


Over Their Garden

by ConscientiousMonster



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Actually talking about feelings to talk things out, Angst, Aphrodisiacs, Background Lapidot - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fusion, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Just all feelings, Mental Health Issues, Mild Gardening, Mild Smut, Mutual Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Imbalance, Psychology, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Some sort of psychological pseudo therapy, Songfic, Steven discovers he's a bottom along the way, Suicide Attempt, That painful trope when a character is telling the truth and it hurts because no one believes them, Trauma, Yandere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2020-10-27 12:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 202,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20760488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConscientiousMonster/pseuds/ConscientiousMonster
Summary: The screen lit up, and the three Diamonds all said almost in unison that they had lost Spinel.Steven looked unamused."Yeah. And I found her."He stepped back, revealing Spinel from behind himself. The pink little gem gave a weak little smile. Maybe things weren't about to go horribly wrong after all?"Oh, thank goodness she's there." White exclaimed, holding her hands to her chest and her forehead in a dramatic manner. "Spinel, we got sooooo worried that we had lost you. We couldn't bear to think we could have had the same story happen to us all over and over again!""Sure seems like it already did."Spinel said in such a drastically deeper and grimmer tone that even Steven, who sat down on the floor next to her, leaned back and raised his hand up, elbow out.--------------------------------The point of the fanfic is to have Steven be the one who desperately needs Spinel, and cares about her, noticing slightest changes in her mood and caring to keep her happy. Just like she did about him, and just like she wished he did about her.But he never did, and now...





	1. The Soil

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank the Stevinel community for the warm welcome and comforting support.

"Not now, Spinel." 

Spinel took a step back. That was new, Yellow had never said anything like that to her before. Now she seemed annoyed, occupied, and just... disinterested in Spinel. The little pink gem stood there with tools in her hands that she was just about to juggle, looking up at the tall Yellow Diamond on her working seat. 

"But I prepared this sequence just for you. I practiced all day!" 

"I am in the middle of disbanding another colony, give me a break." 

It wasn't exactly the first time she had suspected that the diamonds felt this way about her - tired of her and secretly hate her - she was scared of that being true at any given moment. But it was one of those times when she actually came close to having proof of that. 

Spinel placed down the chainsaws she didn't get to use and went to find Blue. She was better, she was more emotional, she'd understand. 

But Blue was no better. She tried to shoo Spinel away when she came closer, and in the end made her cry for a good while and left her alone in the dark, throwing one last "You're not her" as she exited the room. 

Once Spinel was done forcibly crying, she decided she'd seek comfort of the one above both of them. The White Diamond.

She greeted pink-white pearl on her way into the room, and once she saw White - standing tall in the middle of a white lit room, seemingly being the source of said light herself - started to explain the situation. 

"First Yellow didn't have time for me, and yeah, I can understand that... she's busy... but when I came to Blue to talk about it - she told me that I was wrong to complain. And made me cry..."

"And what's the problem with that?" White Diamond blinked.

Spinel took a step back, looking up and not daring to believe what she was hearing, 

"Did you really think that you were here to take Pink Diamond's place? You're only here because Steven couldn't come, and we needed an entertainment. You've always been a toy, Spinel, and you'll always be one. The point of your life is to let people exploit you, that's how it is. So go and wait until we have time and need for you." 

From high up where she stood, White didn't see that Spinel was shaking. The pink little gem was curling her fists and shaking. She came all this way just to find out that she got nowhere. Maybe Pink really did have reasons to trick her into staying, if all she's good at is being annoying - that's what rushed through her mind now. 

She played it cool, as she could. It didn't seem like White cared anyways. Spinel walked out of there, as if nothing was wrong, but she knew where she'd go now. She knew she wouldn't be seeing the Diamonds for a while. 

She nodded at pink Pearl on her way out, sad that she had to part with a newly made friend. 

Pink Pearl looked at her with a sad expression. Then she glanced back at the big room where White Diamond resided.

A warp lit up in the dark room. Spinel landed onto the familiar warp pad safely, looking around and finding that... she was alone. She walked towards the exit of the familiar room. This is where Steven found her crying, and this is where she felt found for the first time... but it was empty now. 

How ironic. 

It was as empty as Spinel's hopes that Steven actually cared about her. He may not have seen Pink in her like the Diamonds did, but Spinel was sure that she was his nuisance, someone in his way and no more. She knew it since she thought and thought endlessly over all the times she had harmed him. Clearly, any kindness from him was just his hope not to get hit again or not to have her go apeshit on his planet again. 

She walked down the stairs until she made her way through his room. It was dark - "night" on planet Earth, it seems - the only light was coming from the lower floor. There was a sound of a happy family down there. A family Spinel never had a place in. Why would she?

She sat on the upper stairs, listening to the voices that came from below while staying unseen by them.

"What about Spinel?" 

"I hope she's doing great." Came from below in Steven's voice, "The diamonds aren't easy to deal with, but it's better than nothing." 

"Nothing?" Garnet asked, adjusting her shades as she raised her head at the stairs, her gesture causing Spinel to lay lower. 

"I mean... I just didn't see myself becoming her friend. I do like to see her around, but... healing her is just a mental weight I wasn't ready to bear." 

Just a weight on his shoulders, of course, what else. What else? What else did she think she could ever be for him?

Spinel would have punched the wall next to her, but she couldn't bring herself to get noticed, she couldn't face Steven like that. There was a part of her that wanted to believe that he cared about her.

Garnet frowned, checking out something in the future. Then she stood up from her spot on the couch next to Steven, and slowly made her way to the stairs. 

Spinel would have ran away and hid, but it caught up to her that Garnet already knew she was there. Still, she probably would have respected Spinel's desire to stay hidden. But at the moment the pink gem couldn't find the mental powers to run. She still remembered spending a single happy day of her recent life with happy cotton candy Garnet. 

Even if it was a lie in every aspect - she had fun. And she held those memories dear, sometimes wishing she could go back there. 

So Garnet held a status of just a slightly "safer" gem to be around in her eyes. 

Garnet walked up, stopped when her head leveled with Spinel's - she had to stand fairly lower for that - and reached her hand out, palm up, inviting the pink gem to join them. 

After a minute of hesitation, Spinel placed her hand in Garnet's palm, and didn't show signs of protests as the honourable fusion led her down by the hand. 

The sensation rang a familiar bell in her head… 

"Look who's here." 

"Oh, hey Spinel." Steven raised his arm to wave at her from the couch. 

By that time Spinel had mentally decided she would pretend that she didn't hear anything he said before. 

"Hey Steven." Damn it. The way his name tasted on her lips still made her feel a little tingle every time she said it. She wanted to say it again and again… what a weird sort of stimming. 

The mom - well, the Garnet - came down further, looking back to make sure that Spinel was following. She sat back down on the couch, but just a bit farther from Steven than she was before, tapping a now empty space for Spinel to occupy. And Spinel obliged. 

It felt special. Spinel said nothing, but it felt special to sit down, with Amethyst and Steven to her right, Garnet to her left, and Pearl sitting on the pillow on the floor, by the table that had cups of warm tea and some pastries, out of which she only recognized donuts. Peace and serenity filled the air, along the soft humming of the old songs from the radio somewhere on the shelf, and soft chatter of the family of gems around her. 

This felt like home. Just not her own. 

The whole evening Spinel didn't say much. She loved watching the scenery unfold, but had nothing to contribute, spare for a few convenient puns that caused bursts of laughter and giggles around her. She still had no experience with a loving family. But make it known? Won't she end up guilt tripping anyone if she spoke about how she felt now? Or was it right to reach out… 

The crystal gems stretched and talked about how it was getting late, and they would be going to their rooms, or other destinations. Before leaving, Garnet placed her hand on Spinel's shoulder, hoping to nudge her in the right direction. 

Then it was just her and Steven in the room. 

Spinel sat leaning against the back of the couch, one leg raised up on it, as she fidgeted with her fingers quietly. She didn’t have anything to voice. She had a lot to say, but nothing that she could actually tell Steven. Not yet anyways. Maybe never.

But Steven broke the silence first. 

"Uhm, Spinel? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see you anytime, but is there any particular reason that you came here tonight? We usually plan our meetings ahead, is all." 

Spinel avoided looking him in the eyes, rubbing her hands together nervously. She wanted to lie, she really did, and maybe it would have been for the better… 

What would she lie? That she just wanted to see Steven again? It would have been truth, and not the one Spinel intended to share. 

"Do the Diamonds know you're here?" 

Somehow the exact question that she dreaded caught her off guard. She just looked away, her expression confused and saddened. 

"Did they do something wrong? You can tell me, I know how they can be." 

Steven knew Spinel had things to work on, but he didn't expect that it'd be that bad by now. He had managed to fix his whole hometown since the last time she was on Earth, and Spinel only seemed to get worse with communicating by that time. 

Finally she looked at him again, "Can I stay on Earth?"

She had nothing else to say, and nowhere else to go. 

"I… can make myself useful. I learned about your planet's "working system", I can find myself a job and a place to live in - I'm sure the Little Homeworld could use someone of my attributes for building it." 

Did she even have to ask him something like that? Technically it was his planet, so it was probably polite to ask before moving in. But what if Steven told her no? 

"I mean - sure. I don't control you." How wrong he is, "But I think we should tell the Diamonds that you're safe before they sound the alarms back on Homeworld." 

The expression on her face didn't give him any good hopes for her. Yet he still carried out with standing up and inviting her back to the warp pad room, where his equivalent of space Skype was installed into the computer. 

Once there, just before he called the Diamonds - a hand stretched across the whole room and tried to gently tug his own back from the keyboard. 

"Steven, I just want to try again." The shiver in her voice was a little too noticeable. "I just want to be your friend. And I want to be better to you. I just… I just want us to be friends." 

Steven raised his hands up slowly, in a calming manner, "Spinel, it's okay. I don't think we ever stopped being friends - I think you're my friend. And I'm sure you've been making progress and working on friendship. Nothing's wrong. I'm not mad at you. We're friends." 

He knew what to say to put her mind to ease, it seemed. Still she remained vigilant of everything going wrong and crumbling apart at any given moment. But she did thank him for the reassurance. 

She sat down on the floor just a little behind him, crossing and twirling her limbs, while he called the Diamonds. 

The screen lit up, and the three Diamonds all said almost in unison that they had lost Spinel. 

Steven looked unamused. 

"Yeah. And I found her." 

He stepped back, revealing Spinel from behind himself. The pink little gem gave a weak little smile. Maybe things weren't about to go horribly wrong after all?

"Oh, thank goodness she's there." White exclaimed, holding her hands to her chest and her forehead in a dramatic manner. "Spinel, we got sooooo worried that we had lost you. We couldn't bear to think we could have had the same story happen to us all over and over again!" 

"Sure seems like it already did." 

Spinel said in such a drastically deeper and grimmer tone that even Steven, who sat down on the floor next to her, leaned back and raised his hand up, elbow out. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"I know what Pink went through with you." 

"Well, yes, but it was in the past…" Murmured Yellow. 

"We changed now." Blue whispered with a smile. 

"And we just want to love you, Spinel." White spread her arms in a welcoming embrace. 

Spinel's posture changed from goofy noodly to just sitting down like a normal gem would, looking somber with her hands clutching together. Her hair slowly became more upwards and spikey, and the tension in her pose grew more apparent. 

"Yet you did to me exactly what you did to her." She raised her head suddenly, looking each one of them in the eyes as she spoke, "Yellow, I could understand you not having all the time in the world for me, but you were rude about it. Blue, you made- forced me to cry and locked me in Pink's old prison chamber. And White…" 

Steven was leaning with his back towards the screen and looking ahead at Spinel, ready to raise his shield at any given moment. She was on edge. It was bad. He was looking at her and expecting damage - so he didn't see White Diamond mouthing "Don't you dare" at her. 

"Oh I dare. White, you told me I was meant to be a playtoy for you Diamonds, nothing more. A honourable fucking entertainment. You compared me to Pink just to say that I would never mean as much to you as she did!" 

Having finished shouting, she stood up, her hands curled into fists and her hair long and standing upwards. 

It took Steven a while of video chatting with her to learn that her hair gave hints of her mood sometimes. And right now, this was aggression. 

He stood up, putting his hands up against Spinel. 

"Wow, wow. Spinel. Calm down. I'm sure they didn't meant it like that…" 

"Didn't mean it? That's exactly what they said!" She was in her rage mode now. It was bad. It was bad… 

"Of course we didn't!" White finally retaliated. "We would never stoop so low and go back to how we were with her… Why would we ever? How… dare you! After all our adoration and hospitality." 

Steven turned around at her "Hey, White, no. That's guilt tripping." 

"But it's true! Steven, we never said anything like that to her! I have no idea how she came up with that!" 

"I didn't come up with it!" Spinel barked. 

But then she saw Steven. How he switched between looking at her and glancing at the Diamonds with uncertainty, all while he kept his hands up for defense at her. 

It sunk in quick and clear. He didn't trust her. 

Her pigtails went down. 

"It's true, that's what they told me just a few hours ago!" She started to sound desperate instead of angry, and it only made it worse. 

"Steven," White addressed him in a calm and more determined tone, "Are you really going to believe a broken gem whom you had known for a few months, that had tried to kill you and your planet, or will you trust us - your… relatives? Us who cared about you for years now, and have grown so much more than she has?" 

Spinel wasn't angry any more. She was terrified. She didn't know what'd she do if Steven picked their side now.

"Steven. I'm not lying, I'm not lying to you! It's true!" 

She was clutching her gem now, and tears were coming out of her eyes. She hated it, she wishes she could stop it but she couldn't and the salty water burnt her face. 

She hated that he was looking at her with confusion at first, then after glancing at the Diamonds again - with disappointment. 

No, no, he could not be trusting them, no. 

Spinel fell to her knees when he remained silent with that face. 

Steven told the Diamonds he would call them back later and ended the call. 

Then he turned towards Spinel. 

She was still on the floor, now on all of her fours, crying all out. It didn't phase Steven, he always tried his best not to get guilt tripped by others. Not anymore anyways. 

He sighed deeply, before approaching her and sitting down next to her. 

"Spinel. I know you're not a bad person." 

She raised her head up, hope sparkling in her eyes momentarily. 

"I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't know why would you do that… but, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed, but not mad. It's… okay. We can keep being friends, but I just needs you to… try harder. And not try to lie to me to control me or something." 

Spinel replied something incomprehensible through her tears at first, "But I'm not lying!" 

"Just don't make this worse. I get it, you… maybe you thought the Diamonds would steal you from me, or me from you. That's why you… tried to set us against each other? You just asked for us to be friends a minute ago, right? Spinel, you don't have to lie and make schemes to spend time with me. And you certainly can't control how much time I'm willing to give you." 

How wrong again. 

The pink gem lowered her whole front part to the floor, gripping her hair. She wanted to rip it out, but doing it in front of Steven would have only made it worse. At this point, anything was only making it worse. 

"I swear… I'm not lying…" She tried one last time. 

"It's not working, Spinel." 

There was a long silent pause between them, during which her sobs very slowly ceased in frequency and volume. Steven wasn’t calming her down - he believed she was throwing a planned tantrum. He couldn’t give in to that, no matter how much the sight of her like that made him want to just hug her and tell her it was going to be okay, and he wouldn’t leave her. But she had to learn to be honest and non manipulative with him first, so he decided. So he just sat there, waiting. 

After a while Spinel stopped crying, her rage and fear momentarily being replaced by a hopeless numbness that consumed every last bit of emotions inside of her in a second. 

"Maybe this really isn't working." 

"I’ve grown immune to people crying for a while now, yeah. Spinel, we can be friends, but you will have to work on being more honest and-"

"Maybe it's not working for us to be friends." Spinel clarified, sitting up, "Friendship… is built on a trust. And we… don't have it." 

Could she blame him? She could not. He was an Angel with a halo shining above his curly hair. And she was a worthless little demon. 

"Oh. I didn't think of it like that…" Steven was surprised by that statement. Somehow he was sure that Spinel would never be the one to lose hope in being his friend. She'd always cling to him needily is what he thought. 

"I'm sorry, Steven." She wiped her tears calmly, avoiding eye contact, "I guess I should go. I'll be fine. Though I'm not coming back to the Diamonds." 

This turn around made Steven experience emotions he never expected to feel, neither be able to name them. 

As she started to stand up, a human-ish hand landed over her own. 

Hope almost sparked up when she saw Steven's concerned look on her. Did he care… 

But… then she remembered his only reason to look at her this way. Right. 

She took his hand in her own, lifting it up, "I guess you don't really trust me, but… I promise to you that I won't go trying to destroy you or your planet, or your friends this time. No one and nothing that you hold dear will be hurt this time. I promise, even if it means nothing to you." 

She let go of his hand as soon as she said it, now standing up and heading out slowly. 

Every step she hoped that she was wrong. That this wasn't Steven's only concern about her. That he'd realise what she meant by what she said and catch up and stop her... but he never did. He just stood there, watching her leave, then inspecting the floor of the room quietly. 

She made it all the way down to the entrance of the house. Passing by familiar scenery, she stopped and grabbed onto the safety bars, staring out at the endless sea. She pondered on where would she head now, when she heard a voice behind her… 

"Spinel." 

Garnet, who called her name, was leaning against the wall. When Spinel looked at her, Garnet took her shades off, looking her in the eyes with a softness Spinel was not used to seeing aimed at her. 

"Please. Don't." 

Spinel needed a moment to understand what she meant. It was in the back of her mind. Then she clenched her hands and walked off. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven watched her leave, watched her hair hang lower than it usually did. He didn't stop her. He really wanted to help her, but he couldn't forgive her for lying to him like this, and then seemingly throwing a tantrum when he didn't believe her… 

Diamonds were right. He knew them for a few years and watched their development. But Spinel… just a few months. And he couldn't say he saw that much progress. 

She always talked about her life in the palace as if it was her job, losing which would mean losing life. During their calls she talked all about what she did for the Diamonds, often measuring her usability and worth by what she did for them each day. It was a bad sign, but one that Steven hoped would wear off over time, or the Diamonds would help her fight it. 

For now he rubbed his face and headed to prepare to sleep. 

~ ~ ~ 

It was getting dark as Spinel made her way to the Beach City, the little place she almost destroyed. Possibly twice. Maybe two and a half. No wonder Steven was so reluctant with her. Would she ever want to be a friend with someone who'd try to destroy her garden? In its prime time at least…  
The Garden? She could always go back to the garden...

She didn't notice as she ended up nearby some sort of a bakery - a place she vaguely remembered from when she was rejuvenated and followed Steven around happily. Happily… 

There were familiar faces as she passed by. The pink human boy who liked to cook and his space pirates crew, she guessed. They seemed friendly towards her, down to the pink boy offering her a spare piece of cake he baked that day. She took the offer, asking what she owed, knowing the concept of currency just a little bit. 

"It's on the house for Steven's friends." Lars said, winking at her in a friendly manner. 

"I am... not his friend." Spinel replied very slowly. 

That caused an awkward silence, which she escaped by slowly walking away.

~ ~ ~ 

Little Homeworld seemed like a better place to stop at. Spinel thought a lot about herself and her issues. She was dependant, easily weakened by betrayal. She had to work on it if she wanted to get better, and in her head there was a plan - to learn to never need anyone again, so that she could never be hurt again. 

Easier thought than done. 

Little Homeworld didn't meet her warmly. The three gems she met before allowed her to help with the building process, but kept an eye on her as if they expected her to attack them at any moment. 

She thanked them for the opportunity, but went away. It wasn't what she looked for. She looked for a better place.

The local train was her last hope. She hoped on it, just like before, and allowed it to take her wherever it went… 

~ ~ ~ 

It was in the morning that the train arrived to the destination. 

The buildings were tall and the people were cold and rude. It was a town. Spinel roamed it, thinking that she could stay somewhere in it. Start over again. Who knows, she might even try to perform on the street, earn some human money to be able to occupy a space of her own in those anthouses of flats.

Maybe she'd find herself there.

~ ~ ~ 

Steven got up, filled with annoyance when the lights and sounds from the warp pad room just couldn’t be escaped in the safety of the pillow around his ears anymore. He slowly made his way over to the communication device and accepted the call after about 15 missed ones. 

A face of a little Pearl appeared before him. It was Pink Pearl, and despite having the most childish attitude that Steven ever saw a pearl have, she looked very serious at the moment. 

“Steven. There is something the Diamonds want to tell you.” 

She looked back at them, serious and expectant. The Diamonds weren’t facing the screen. 

“Tell him.” She said in her soft voice, with a firmness it was hard to believe she was capable of. “You know I heard you.” 

After puffing her cheeks in annoyance, White spoke first. 

“We… may have… misinformed you, Steven.” 

Steven straightened up. He felt a shiver run down his spine when he made a guess as to what they may have lied to him about. But he hoped that he was wrong. He pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t sleeping. 

Blue continued, “We really did tell Spinel to go away in a rather rude form.” 

“We didn’t want to disappoint you. At first… then we” Yellow glared at Pink Pearl “ “Realised” that we couldn’t get away with lying to you if we wanted to be… a good family.” 

“So maybe I did tell her that her purpose was to entertain… but Steven, was I wrong?” Snarled White. 

Steven fell to his knees. The image of Spinel crying her eyes out and promising that she wasn’t lying now flooding back and being clear as day before his eyes. 

“Are you f- Of course you are! Gems are more than their initial purpose! Had it not been the first thing I ever made you learn, how do you ever forget the first lesson you ever-” Steven paused, remembering some recent event in his life, where he forgot his own first lesson. Then kept going, “You have no idea what I did because of your lies!” 

The diamonds looked regretful as Steven scolded them, grasping his head. He ended the call abruptly, then ran down the stairs.

Hurting Spinel accidentally was one thing. Hurting her when she just wanted to find a reason to be mad was another. But hurting Spinel when she literally begged him for a change of heart and mind, and made it clear she just wanted to be friends was on a whole different level of cruelty. Of course she asked to be friends! Steven was kind. The other Diamonds weren't. She needed him, she was reaching out to have some kindness in her life…  
And he slapped her hand. 

Steven put his jacket over his pajama and slipped into his slippers, running outside the house. That's where he was joined in his path. 

"Garnet!" He shouted in a small relief. "Garnet, I need your help. I screwed up, I told Spinel-"

"I know. Hurry, there is no time to lose." 

"No time? What are you talking about?"

Garnet didn't reply. She hoped she wouldn't have to explain. 

All she did was hurry him towards the Beach City. 

~ ~ ~ 

"What do you mean she told you that she wasn't my friend?"

"She said it really... slow and weird, then headed for the Little Homeworld." 

"Thanks anyways, let us know if she shows up here again."

"Sure... weirdos."

Steven and Garnet ran towards little Homeworld as fast as they could, as Lar’s voice faded behind. 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel ran as fast as she could, hearing the people trying to catch up behind her. Who knew that other street performers would react so negatively to her trying to juggle in "their area"? Who knew that clowns were so territorial on this planet?

She should have found a spot where no one else was juggling, instead of trying to join in a team of jugglers just to outdo them with 7 chainsaws. 

And now they were running after her through the streets of this stranger town, with no good intentions in mind towards someone who supposedly tried to steal their show. 

Spinel wasn’t even thinking of fighting back. No, she wouldn’t dare harm any other lifeform on Steven’s planet. Not in those circumstances anyways. And she wasn’t even mad - she was scared. 

Spinel turned around momentarily to see if she ran far enough from them, and saw a rock fly in her direction. 

Then she heard a crack of a glass. 

~ ~ ~ 

Lapis hanged upside down from a scaffolding, "Spinel? Yeah, she was here a while ago. Said she wanted to help us with building, did some building, then went towards the uh... train station I think. What about it, Steven? Why are you running? Uh, well, okay, bye."

~ ~ ~ 

Finally having gained some distance, Spinel jumped onto the roof and hid behind a column by the edge. Alone in a safe spot, Spinel held onto her gem. She kept getting shiver attacks as her limbs shifted in length, out of her control this time. 

Her gem was cracked upon impact. She held onto it, feeling utterly terrified for what's to come once the crack would grow bigger. She was scared. 

And just a little bit at peace. No longer would she have to deal with feeling all emotions that she had to put up with once it’d be over. No longer she would have to put up with feeling anything about Steven… 

~ ~ ~ 

“Steven!” 

"Garnet! This must be the town she stopped at. They're talking about some sort of a pink performer who tried to steal their spot with juggling chainsaws."

"That must be her. Let's split up and search." 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel though she heard a familiar voice. It must have been an illusion, or a cat - she was hiding on the roof of a building after all. It was the one place they didn't follow her up to, but now that she didn't control her stretching - she had no safe means of getting down from there. 

It was kind of windy. 

She stood up, approaching the edge of the roof she was on, another attack of shivers almost knocking her over that edge. Down below on the ground she saw a fence and spikes - anti homeless spikes, they were said to be. Made so that homeless people would have even more nowhere to be safe at. And that fence that stuck out of the ground between the two buildings looked very sharp...

"Spinel!" 

The pink gem shook in place at the sound of that voice. She turned around, noticing that she was no longer alone. 

Steven found her. Again. 

Again... as if she doesn't know what it was all about.

"Spinel. It's okay, let's go home now. I need to tell you… Why are you shaking... Spinel? Is your gem alright?" 

Spinel held onto her gem, looking on the verge of tears again. Steven must have hated that she was never stable with her emotions, he probably did. It hurt. She hated it, it hurt to think that he hated her and she hated it. Spinel just wanted him to... care. 

"Spinel, please. I'm worried for you." Steven reached his hand out, trying to take a step towards her, while the wind rustled their hairs and clothes. 

He could never. Not after thinking that she lied to him. Steven could never care about her like she wanted him to. Just like for Pink she was not good enough for him, she'd never be. 

It all hurt, and Spinel only knew one way to make it all stop hurting. 

Suddenly, she smiled faintly through her tears, looking up at Steven. For the boy the gesture somehow beared nothing good. 

She was standing on the edge of the roof. Having Steven in front of her. And having a deadly pit behind her. 

She feared facing one more than the other. So she faced the lesser fear. 

Spinel took a step back - and slowly saw Steven disappear above as she fell down, down, down right on the spikes. 

She felt like she was falling for a long time.

She heard a crack. 

She saw Steven look down from the roof, reaching his hand out as if there was anything to be done to save her now. 

She felt the spikes cut through her body and gem. 

And she pulled the most wicked smile she ever made, as her form poofed away, leaving behind a shattered gem.

~ ~ ~

Spinel slowly drifted back to consciousness in the vast emptiness of her gem. Everything was white and empty, idly emitting light that hurt her vision at first. 

Alive? How was she alive? She felt her gem crack, she knew it cracked back then, she shouldn't have been alive now... 

She couldn't figure out why was she still existing, drifting through her gem, in the blinding light that came from everywhere and nowhere. So she curled up in the void of her gem and tried to drown out all the feelings that slowly came flooding back, the feelings she tried so hard to escape, and failed even at that... 

Steven sat at home, with Spinel's gem in his hands. Steven may have put the two pieces of her heart back together, but it would take more than just that to help her. Luckily, crying on it when she had just poofed herself did the wanted trick and saved her from being shattered forever. Her gem was whole, but she wasn't reforming. 

And he guessed it was because she didn't want to. Didn't want to be there, didn't want to come back. Didn't want to live.

Steven thought a lot about her through the days when he sat silently, with her gem on a pillow next to him, and waited. He found that he cared - cared for Spinel's well being much more than he ever thought he did. 

At some point he was just afraid of upsetting her and endangering anyone else by the chances of her rage issues. 

But now... now he felt bad for her. Now he realised that Spinel was needing help all along, and he just didn't want to bother - and neither did anyone else. 

Now he realized what he should have done. Now he wished he had been there for her, been there for her like she dearly needed someone to hold her and tell her she would never be left behind again. Now he wished he could have made her feel that he really needed her. 

Was it too late?

On the fifth day Steven cried in front of her gem all day. At this point he wanted to be her friend - her best friend, bestest in the world - if it just meant that she'd want to live again. He found himself wanting her to live. And to live happily. And to be the reason she lives happily. That's how he knew... 

It took Steven to lose her to realise how much he needed her. 

He didn't tell the Diamonds anything yet. But he made a mental decision that this time, once Spinel reforms - he would be there for her. 

If Spinel reforms…

~ ~ ~ 

Steven laid on his bed with his phone, keeping one eye on the heart shaped gem that was neatly tucked into a towel on the opposite end of his bed. 

"You're letting the guilt get the best of you." His friend said over the phone. 

"I know, Connie. But... I really did mess up. I've lost that childish naive wish to befriend anything that tries to kill me, just when doing that would have saved... everyone. I mean," he glanced at the gem that laid idly, "I was so focused on my own happily ever after, and then everyone around, but her, I forgot that she was going through her own pain. But I'm going to do better now. If she reforms..." He paused.

"Of course she will. It's not like she can just... stay in her gem forever? I mean, the cluster has gem shards all over, and they're all still conscious. I'm sure she'll be back in no time. ... Just be careful, okay? Don't let her manipulate you again." 

"Connie..." Steven said in a disappointed tone, as he pinched his nose and closed his eyes in frustration. "She's not evil anymore. For real this time. I know it's in her..." 

He placed the phone down. 

"I just have to bring it out." He added quieter. 

Steven got up and made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. During those recent days he'd ask any of the gems to watch after Spinel so that she wouldn't be alone when she reforms, but this time he decided that she certainly wouldn't respawn just as he leaves for a quick glass of water. 

And she respawned just as he left for a quick glass of water.

Her gem shined and raised up in the air. The heart shape turned upside down. Her limbs formed out. She fleshed out, pink and tainted by her trauma and pain. Alive again, she sighed sadly at that. And with that she slowly landed on his bed softly. 

How much time has passed, she wondered. 

Spinel took a sharp breath in, then looked around at her surroundings. His room? Why was she back in his room? Did he... bring her here? 

Oh no. Oh no, he must have saved her and now... Oh no no no, nothing good was coming now. Now he either was going to bubble her to avoid more trouble with her, or send her back to the Diamonds - she didn't want either to happen. 

She believed that now that she was back again - it was for the worst. Now if Steven pretended to care about her - it would be not only because he is afraid of her being evil again, but because he is afraid of her hurting herself. 

This was bad, this was... wait, who is that? 

Her focus changed. Spinel's eyes spotted a photo frame on the shelf. There was the human, what was his name, Um Greg Universe? And he was with some lady - the same one whose portrait hangs down the stairs. 

Everytime Spinel saw that lady - she felt a strange calling, but could never bring herself to question it aloud, or ask who was she.

Spinel jumped down from his bed and turned towards the balcony. She felt sure that she could easily jump down from it, run again, run better, run farther, start over, forget him, but she could never forget him... 

Her mind was racing all around, and then she heard a faint distorted voice from behind. 

"Steven? Steven, did you put your phone down?" 

It was coming from his little device on the bed. Quite awkwardly, Spinel picked it up, trying to figure out what was that and how it worked. She knew that voice. She heard it before. She hated it.

"...Hello?" Spinel squinted at the phone. 

"Oh! Spinel, hi." Came in a cheerful reply. 

"Connie... Marshmallow or something?" 

"Uh, close enough. How are you feeling, Spinel?" 

Of course. What else would she ask? 

"No I don’t feel like destroying the Earth or murdering." She hissed. 

On her end Connie frowned, "That's not what I meant-" 

"I get it, I get it. You wanted to know if was planning any more harm to anyone. He must have told you all about what I did by now..."

"That's not true! I mean, Steven told me, yes, but that's because he was concerned for you. You're his friend, and he-"

"I am not his friend." Spinel spat again, slowly as before. 

"Huh? I can get it if you're still angry at him-"

"Angry at him?!" She almost crushed the phone in her hand. "Listen here, sword girl." 

Steven was slowly making his way back up, when he heard the voice coming from above. He stopped and leaned against the wall, just barely peeking his head up above the stairs. He listened. 

"Steven isn't my friend. He is the one who doesn't want to be my friend. And why would he? All I did was cause harm to him, and to people he cares about, and to his planet. And now not only does he have to fear me harming people around myself, but also myself! He's not my friend, he's just afraid of what I can do if he doesn't play along this stupid little play pretend game of kindness." She took a single pause. "...And I can't blame him, let alone be mad at him. If I was him, I wouldn't want to be my friend either." 

"I'm not you." Steven said, now standing fully in her vicinity. She didn't even notice him come there.

Spinel almost dropped the phone.


	2. The Seeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven screwed up, so he's determined to make it better now.  
It's out of Spinel's comprehension. 
> 
> Have you ever had a panic attack over something that turned out to not even be a real thing?

Spinel almost dropped the phone.

Steven had to take it slow here. With the state Spinel was in - he was dealing with a cornered animal. Spare for the fact that she cornered herself and let herself drown in all the self deprecation and the voices that always told her to assume the worst. Steven noted to account for that. She as assuming the worst of the situation. So he would have to tell her that that’s not so, even if she would need it spelled out like the alphabet. Which she probably would. 

He saw her glance at the window. No, no he couldn’t lose her again, when he had just found her. But to take a step closer would have certainly caused her to run. 

So Steven took a step back and kept his hands open, at waist level, palms up. He made his voice quieter as he spoke, causing Spinel to lean in and concentrate on him to hear him. 

So she wouldn’t abruptly go anywhere, he hoped. He had to keep it calm. Had to keep it calm with a personified soap bubble that was inching closer to popping at every moment. 

“Spinel. It’s alright. I’m not mad at you.” It was silly to even think that he could be mad at someone who was visibly hurting, but he knew what sort of inner demons she was dealing with. He hoped he knew that this was what she needed to hear now, “I’m… sorry. I should have believed you. After you left - the Diamonds called and-” 

Spinel took a step back, she kept a terrified expression the whole time. What else did they say about her? 

“And told me that they lied. They really did hurt you. I’m sorry, I should have believed you.” 

Spinel eyed him and his posture. She wasn’t used to this, wasn’t used to someone apologising to her. Not the first time he did it in the garden, not the second, and now she still couldn’t get a grasp of it. 

But she did stop being so wide eyed in fear, her face now in the frame of confusion. Her hands went down a little, opposed to being raised as she was ready to follow the flight instinct a moment ago. She placed his phone aside. 

“The Diamonds are sorry now. All four of them.” 

There was a small moment of confusion at his words from her. Was there a new Diamond in town while she was gone? She didn’t always connect that Steven was a pink diamond himself. He was just nothing like her… 

“I’m really sorry. And you have a right to be mad at me.”

A what? 

“But I do want to be your friend. And- and I know- I heard you say why do you think I want to be your friend. But… That’s not so, I promise. Spinel?” 

The last word was an ask for allowance to approach her, as Steven made a step towards her. 

Spinel wanted to run, she really did. She couldn’t understand where was he heading with any of it. Surely he was wanting to get rid of her, did he not? Oh, right! He was going to approach her and attack her! Poof and bubble her away, or rejuvinate her again and keep her that way. Oh well… 

Spinel stayed in place, although she did close her eyes and raise her shoulders. Come on, go on, do it. She accepts it. This was all a fake sweet talk to lower her guard so that he could strike anyways. 

Comfort didn’t exist. It just didn’t!! 

But so be it if it was Steven who was going to hurt her now. 

She heard Steven approach, felt him grab her hand (why did it feel special like that oh why did it have to feel like that?) and then… 

Spinel didn’t exactly understand what happened next, so she peeked one eye open cautiously, then looked at Steven with both her eyes open wide in surprise. He was down on one knee on the floor before her, with her hand gently residing between both of his ones. Spinel was confused, she didn't even know how to react to it. 

“Spinel.” He was speaking softly, looking up at her with that shine of purity in his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I… said a lot of things that were wrong to you. You deserve better. You were saying the truth and I should have trusted you. I made a mistake. I told you that you had to work on being better, but in the end it was me who still has to learn to be a better friend. And- and I want to be a better friend to you.” 

He felt her tug her hand back, and maybe it was a mistake at this point of time, but Steven kept his hold on her hand instead of letting go. 

“I heard you say why you think I want to be nice to you. But… I promise to you - that’s not true. I guess you don’t have many reasons to trust my promise either.” 

Spinel felt somewhat strange about that statement. 

“I… I wasn’t even realizing it. But when I thought I could have lost you… I realized how much I really need you. And I… just want to be your friend, and be there for you. And make you… feel happy.” 

Spinel stared at him with a blank expression, but at least she wasn’t tugging her hand away now. 

“You know… if you wanted to poof me you could have just done so by now, no need to try and sweet talk me more,” Spinel replied sadly. 

Her voice was on the edge of trembling. So, it wasn’t working, wasn’t convincing her… Steven thought about it for a minute. 

“Spinel… If I really did just fear what you might do, or wanted to bubble you away - don’t you think I would have done so by now? You’ve been out for a few days by now.” 

That seemed to… have an effect. Her eyes darted around, as if she was considering something. Then she looked surprised again, by some realisation that had just occurred to her. 

“You deserve a better friend. And I want to be that friend to you. This time I want to do better. I just ask… Please, Spinel? Will you give me another chance to be your friend?” 

Spinel’s mind crashed like a Windows 98 trying to run a modern day 3D video game. 

Steven really was begging for her to allow him to be her friend? That was just outside of her comprehension. Not only did he care, not only did he not get rid of her when he had plenty of opportunities - but he was hoping for a chance now? 

She has never been in a position like that, she didn’t know how to feel. Though she could tell that the emotions that washed over her felt like a warm wave on a pleasantly sunny day washing over the shore of her hopes and rustling the sands of changes. 

She didn’t know how to feel about it, so she tried to go with what she wanted to do about it instead. 

Steven was looking at her from the floor, holding her hand and sparkling hope and sunshine from his eyes. She placed her own hand over his two, and gave a faint smile. Steven smiled back, ready to get up and talk more about the newly found friendship, when suddenly it was Spinel who descended lower next to him. 

She still didn’t know how to feel about him being on his knees. So she leveled with him, keeping her own grasp on his hands. 

Steven figured he’d roll with anything that she needed. And she seemed to find some sort of comfort in this. She wasn’t looking him in the eyes though, her look was fixated on their hands. She rubbed her thumb over the side of his hand, looking strangely pacified at the sight of their contact. Steven would have invited her for a hug, but he thought he went far enough for the first time. 

“Yeah…” she said after a minute of this, “Let’s try again.” 

Steven smiled at her. This time he stood up, inviting her up with him. 

“How long do you say I’ve been out for?”

“About a week. Are you- Oh. I almost asked if you’re hungry. I live with gems my whole life and I still forget that they don’t need to eat sometimes.” 

“To eat?” 

“Yeah, like… You ate donuts, remember?” 

Spinel made her hand come a loop and rub herself on the head. This gesture seemed familiar to Steven. 

“I did what now?” 

“Oh boy. Okay, follow me...” 

The two left the room. Shortly after, the phone was finally hanged. 

~ ~ ~ 

A portal opened and a pink lion with a fuchsia gem and a pinkish gem human hybrid child jumped out of it. Just another day in Beach City. 

Steven climbed down from Lion, while Spinel took one stretch of her legs to get down without moving them much. One order later, the two were sitting on soft cushions at a table in a café, with the table between them containing a bunch of donuts and a drink. 

Steven grabbed the drink for himself, he couldn't hold himself back from making bubbly noises by blowing into the straw on the cup. Meanwhile Spinel was fascinated by the concept of eating, donuts, and the idea of eating donuts. They did seem to make her think of… something nostalgic. Something recent but lost and forgotten. Her innocence. 

She loved the taste. They made her think of spending time with Steven. Even though she was already doing it again. 

Steven placed the cup down in the middle of the table, "Spinel, I think we need to spell out something." 

"Mhmpf?" 

"About our… recent events. Let's make a deal. We will always trust each other, no matter what. But at this cost we will never lie to each other. Even if the truth won't always be easy to say." 

Spinel liked that. Here, away from everyone else, she and Steven made their own secrets. As if they existed in a small isolated bubble, and the world was just revolving around. 

She nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly, But not interrupting her snack time. Instinctively she reached for the cup on the table and took a sip. 

Her vision went white for a while. And her gem seemed to glow up momentarily with some sort of warmth inside. She wasn't sure what was that about, and she decided she's better off not knowing. 

She placed the cup back, where Steven eventually took it again, not even noticing that that took place with her. 

Steven glanced around, "Do you remember the Funland arcade?" 

He earned himself another look of utter confusion. 

"It's where you, me, and Amethyst went to play. You know, when you two were-"

"Oh, sure!" Spinel said cheerfully. Steven was expecting her to get sad over a reminder of it, but she seemed rather happy suddenly. "I made a friend there!" 

"Really?" 

"Yeah." 

"I never knew. That's so great, Spinel. We're right next to it, can we go and meet them?" 

"I hope, if they're still there..." This time Spinel froze up for a second, trying to recall something. Or already remembering something that she didn't want to think of… 

She stored the leftovers in her gem and followed Steven to the Arcade. They weren't in a hurry, so she found a moment to try and hold at least the sleeve of Steven's jacket. She still liked to hold onto him, and if this was a sort of "happy trip" - she wanted to do that again. 

And Steven let her, even meeting her hand with his own and holding it. Making Spinel wish the Arcade was a few miles farther, so that they could walk hand in hand for longer. 

Steven showed Spinel the skee ball they played, vary of her getting sad over the fact that he never included her in it. But she seemed very content now. She grabbed a few balls and with the power of stretching her arms just right - got a bunch in. 

"Wow, how did you do that?" 

"Hehe, I'm good at hitting targets." Spinel laughed. 

There was a layer to this joke that Steven got worried about, but she didn't seem to be stuck on the thought, so he didn't mention it either. 

The little jingle played, and the fairly earned tickets sprung out of the machine. 

"Ah, there's my-" Spinel started to talk, but stopped abruptly, sitting down next to the flowing yellow tickets. "Oh." 

"There's your price. You won them all!" 

"Prize. So it's just…" Spinel grabbed a single ticket with two fingers. "A bunch of leaves?" 

"Well it… it used to be leaves, it's paper now, but… Spinel?" 

Something was visibly wrong. 

"Haah… small- I mean, rejuvenated me thought that this was a living thing. Some sort of… a long sentient noodle that stretched its body out of the machine." She held the tickets up, "Meet my "friend", Steven." 

He wasn't sure if she was joking in a self deprecating manner again, or just being sad about the past. But her hair was clearly down as she looked at it. 

Steven placed a hand on her shoulder. He got the idea. He neglected her so much back then that small her had found a friend in an inanimate object. 

"You know… it does kind of looks like a snake." 

"What's a snake?"

"... Wait here. May I borrow your tickets?" 

He returned in a minute from the prize corner with a toy snake in his arms. 

"It's native to Earth. I think. It's a snake." 

Spinel took it in her hands, inspecting the plushy body. 

"It doesn't seem very… sentient at first glance." 

"Oh uhm it's a toy. A sewn replica of an animal." 

"Oh. … Where are their arms?"

Steven looked down, sadly, "They don't have any." He whispered in horror. 

Someone behind them giggled. The two glanced back at a kid who had just exchanged some tickets for a disproportionate toy puppy. The child looked very happy. 

"Toys make for great presents." Steven explained, tucking his hands in his jacket. "This one's my present for you." 

Spinel looked at the toy snake again, her hair going back to its upward position, and becoming short again. This was touching, at that moment she even saw the value of the object she found strangely useless a minute ago. She hugged it. 

"Thank you Steven." 

Steven would have loved to keep looking at the sight of her being so calm and happy, but he suddenly had his previous drink catch up to him. 

"I'll be right back." He said abruptly, heading away. 

"Huh?" He heard behind. 

"I'll return in a few minutes, I just need to… tend to a human need. Just two minutes, okay?" 

Confused, Spinel nodded, and held onto her new possession as she watched Steven enter a room with a blue sign in it. 

Suddenly, the world around darkened. No, it was fine, she'd be okay. Steven wasn't Pink, he'd be back in two minutes. 

Her breathing grew rapid and she couldn't tell why. 

Come on, calm down, you're not in the garden… just two minutes, he didn't take you here just to leave you. 

She hid the toy into her gem and moved around. Moving, she needed to move. It was terrifying to think of the vines tying around all her limbs if she didn't. She bumped into someone, just to realise she really wasn't seeing anything or anyone around. 

Come on, stop being a baby. He said two minutes. Two Earth minutes. Spinel quickly scanned the walls, and finally found what she needed. A clock. 

Okay, okay, now she just had to see the little arrow make two circles, and Steven will be back. Wouldn't leave her. She was still hyperventilating, but she was getting the hang of it, holding onto her gem. 

And then the little arrow stopped. Froze in space and time. Stopped moving. Was twitching over the same digit. 

Spinel freaked out. It was happening again, the time had stopped, everything was a lie, he was never going to come back for her. She slowly slid on the floor, tears swelling up in the corners of her eyes. 

Steven tucked himself in calmly, assured he even saved up some time, and exited the room - just to find Spinel sitting on the floor and sobbing, while people gathered around. 

Uh oh. Steven rushed to her. Was she really still so bad at this?

Making his way through the worried crowd that Spinel was not aware of the existence of, he sat down next to her and touched her shoulder lightly. She seemed to snap back to reality at that. 

"Steven?" 

"Spinel. Everything's okay. I'm here."

"The time stopped." 

"Huh?"

She seemed to be in a bit of a dissociated state. But he followed her eyes and noticed that the clock on the wall had stopped. 

He sighed in relief, suddenly understanding what took place. 

"Spinel, time didn't stop. That's just a wall clock, it's a mechanism used to measure time, but it's just a machine. It can glitch sometimes. Here." 

He grabbed a free chair from nearby, put it underneath the clock, stood up on it and touched something behind the round object. 

The time went on. 

Spinel coughed, feeling like she just woke up from an entranced state. 

Steven climbed back down safely, and she was already by his side. Before the boy could say anything, she held onto him, placing her head on his shoulder. Steven was caught off guard by that, but after she showed to be content doing it - slowly hugged her back. He tried to pet her carefully, starting from the back of her head and letting his hand travel down her back, then circling it back and doing it again slowly. 

"It's alright. I get it." He said, cutting off the need for any further explanation. 

Spinel would have stayed like this for a long time if she could. But she too cared not to weird Steven out by wanting to be in touch too much. If only she knew he'd be content with that. 

She leaned back first, having Steven hold her hands in his own.

"Hey, Spinel. Do you think you can stay for a sleepover tonight?" 

"What's a sleepover?" Spinel asked, cheerful again. 

Steven laughed softly.

~ ~ ~ 

"That's what video games are." Steven hoped that he was clear, he wasn't about to explain the concept of video games to an alien again. He forgot what it was like when he had to teach gems about the human culture. 

Spinel was smiling softly. She knew what video games were already - she often played them on Pink's communication device in the Garden - but when Steven started explaining it to her she just wanted to listen more to his voice. 

She was inspecting the controller Steven gave her, when someone walked into the room. It was just Pearl, she brought a basket of some material with her.

"The laundry finished. Here are your pay-jays, Steven. Fold them when you have time." 

"Thanks Pearl. I will. Not now though, I think we're about to have a tournament." 

Spinel prepped her head on her hand, looking at Pearl intently. Then she started giggling. 

"Did I say something funny?" Pearl asked, lost in guesses. 

"No, nothing, just…" Spinel tried to pause her giggling, "I just thought of the time you came to pick Pink for an important Diamond meeting. And instead of coming with you - she sent you back home to "Inspect the back wall of her room"." Spinel laughed more in a very strange way, "She told me when she finally returned, ages later, you were… still staring at that wall! Bwahahaha! I guess she treated us all the same." 

Despite the painful remark, Spinel didn't seem saddened or disturbed to bring that up. Pearl was certainly disturbed now, but she knew better than to mention it. And after all, Spinel was right. Pink treated them both like the play toys that she eventually grew out of. 

"I do recall that," she replied, trailing off and going back down from Steven's room. 

Steven told Spinel to practice moves in the fighting game he picked for the two to play, while he put his spare pajamas away. 

"What's that?" 

"Pajamas. It's like a night dress. Clothes you wear to bed." 

"You redress to go to bed?"

"Well, yeah. Humans don't sleep well in daily clothes. They're… intended for the day activities." He finished putting the pink suits into the drawers, "Alright, I'll just carry the basket downstairs and I'll be right back." 

Steven hoped this would go better. He even made sure she was occupied this time. And he knew for sure that all the clock in his room were working fine. And she could always peek down if she got worried and see him... 

Was Spinel really damaged so badly? Steven looked up at the big portrait on the wall. A woman with closed eyes and curly hair stared back down. Sometimes he still couldn't believe that she was capable of causing so much harm, and never giving it a second thought, never even learning of the consequences, of the pain… 

Pain. Right, Spinel. Steven left the basket where he should have, and walked back up. It was getting darker outside. He expected to find Spinel there, thought he would find her in the same spot, accounted that he could have found her having another breakdown. 

What he didn't expect was what he saw. The pigtailed gem sat exactly where she was when he left the room, but she was dressed in his pajamas now. She picked up the pink one with little polka dot of hearts. The flannel mostly. Seems like the pants were too wide for her. 

Steven laughed, and joked by saying nothing, but she got him to mention it eventually by giggling too much. Not that he opposed what he saw. 

~ ~ ~ 

It had to be mentioned. It was already decided, but Steven had to bring it up. He hoped it would not make the day worse, not after all the fun they had. 

"Spinel?" He asked when he was done putting away all his games, and sat on the edge of the bed. 

Spinel must have misread him, because she came closer and climbed on the opposite side of it. 

"Yes?" 

"There's… something else I need to clarify with you. But don't worry, nothing that you don't want to happen will happen!" 

It was that moment that he was glad Spinel was an alien, because another human, had they sat on his bed in his pajamas, wouldn't have taken that phrase the same way. 

"Yes?" she asked cautiously. 

"The Diamonds." Steven made it clear what he was going to mention. "You don't have to go back to them, no. No one will make you do it. We probably need to let them know you're here by now… but I just want you to know - you can stay here for as long as you want."

"I can stay here?" Spinel wasn't expecting it. She didn't know what to expect at any moment of that day, and tried her best to go with the flow of whatever happened or whatever Steven suggested, although she was confused or felt like she was being stupid most of the time. 

"Yeah, I mean here. You can sleep here." 

"I don't have to sleep?" She tilted her head. 

"You can stay the nights here. I do have to sleep though. Humans… we run out of energy through the day and have to recharge it at night. You can sleep too, if you want. Gems can sleep." 

"Oh. Okay." So she was allowed to stay. "Thank you." 

She wasn't sure what'd she do if she wasn't. So this was convenient. Still, she had no idea about sleeping, but an allowance to be around Steven was good enough. 

The boy climbed under his blanket. He was done telling gems not to stare at him while slept long ago, and just accepted it as the thing they did. He couldn't say they never held him through the hard nights before. 

He clicked the lamp off, making it dark in the room. 

Spinel seemed content with it. She took a walk around his room, inspecting the toys and photos once more. 

She walked towards the balcony - Steven turned to look at her when she did - and stared at the endless looking sea, holding her hands behind her back. 

Earth was fascinating to say the least. Spinel didn't really care what settings surrounded her, so long Steven was with her. 

This whole day has been an experience for her. Even since the little moment on the floor - she found herself experiencing a strange sense of… serenity with Steven. At this point she decided she would let him take the lead, and if he really planned to poof her at some point - so be it. 

But it never came. Never did Steven give her any reason to suspect that he was getting tired of her. At least so far. 

Spinel may have acted happy, but she was on the verge. At some point she wanted to barge in and fall to her knees and cry her eyes out, pawing at Steven's legs and begging for the mercy from the constant fear of… shattering the cute little illusion he had built of him caring about her. She would agree to be hated, to be used again, to be broken to pieces, if only it would be him doing this to her, at the cost of being sure that he'd never leave her. 

She glanced back. Steven was snoozing peacefully. Spinel made her way back to his bed. She wondered if it was intentional on his end, but Steven only occupied half his bed, the rest of it looking empty and inviting…

Spinel leaned against the wall and hummed quietly. 

"I was fine, till she left   
And I figured that my innocence was theft.  
I was mad, meeting you,  
Even though I tried to bring you to your doom.  
I was mad, fighting up,   
Thinking that your pain would lift the one I got.   
I was down, giving up,   
Till you held my hand and helped me rise up...  
Now I'm here, am I not? Am I not? Am I not calm now?   
Now I love, do I not? Do I not? Do I not love you?   
You came, you forgave me, and you held me. I felt whole…   
I'm whole now, am I not? And isn't this called love?" 

Steven was already asleep when Spinel climbed onto the bed and under the covers on the free side. She curled up, crossing her hands. There was… something nice about this. The safety of the darkness, the warmth of the blanket, the peaceful little snoring of Steven by her side. 

One thing was certain in Spinel's mind - she would not let anyone else have her best friend anymore. 

He would be hers and hers alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is referencing Pearl's "It's Over Isn't It" song.


	3. The Weeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love dandelions. I think they deserve to count as flowers. I don't get why do they classify as weeds.  
But weeds do tend to get in the way of flowers blooming peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jasper is going to be portrayed as a villain here, so is Connie.

Those few days went by like a paradise. The closest Spinel knew to this happiness was her past life in the Garden, but she knew that this was nothing like that, and it certainly wouldn't end up with her abandoned and forgotten again. 

Right? 

Steven did his best to be as thoughtful as he could. He let Spinel into his space anytime she shyly wanted to. He always watched for the signs of her mood being right. He calmed her from similar panic attacks, and had to reassure her that she wasn't going to be abandoned again a lot. 

And surprising himself, he found that he loved it. Steven liked to make a change, and any day he got to change Spinel's frown to a smile made him feel special. Made him feel that he was watering a little flower with the water of his efforts, and it was blooming. It started out as a little pink seed, and grew to be something breathtakingly beautiful.

Or so Steven thought, looking at the way the setting sun played on Spinel's gem, as they sat by the shore watching the sunset. Except they watched each other. 

Steven couldn't name the way he felt about Spinel, if he had to guess he'd say he just cared about her like about any other gem. But there was more to it. 

And Spinel felt the same, with even lesser experience of knowing how to put her feelings. 

She hasn't stopped being haunted by her fears. Sure, Steven was saying and making it clear now that she wasn't a bother or a nuisance. But for how long would it last? Certainly she'd bore him eventually, annoy him to the brink of his patience… 

So she thought. 

On Steven's end, this could never happen. Because there was something about Spinel that made him instantly love whatever she spoke of, be it an elaborate step by step balloon animal creation instruction, or her talking about her feelings while crying and curling up on the floor, with a ragged breath. 

Yeah, that was an occurrence. 

But they were working through it. Spinel tried hard for Steven. And Steven loved to help Spinel. 

They matched like two puzzle pieces, even if they came from two different worlds, and looked so differently… 

Spinel's frame was much more smaller than Steven's. At least when she wanted it to - she could have made herself taller whenever she wanted, but it was mostly needed for intimidation. And she hasn't felt a need to defend herself lately, so she kept herself small next to Steven. This made her feel safe. And had certain benefits… 

"I'll be right back, Peridot just needs my help with this. Could you hold my jacket and- could you go see Lapis before I return?"

"Sure Stevie." 

Spinel grabbed the jacket that was reached towards her. Once Steven took a few steps away (still glancing back frequently) she put it on herself. A pink organic jacket. She loved the sensation of his body's warmth that it always saved. And for some reason - the smell. 

Steven disappeared behind a column. Okay, she can do this. She's got him right here with her - his warmth on her shoulders. She hid her hands in the pockets of the jacket and walked off, searching for Lapis Lazuli. She wasn't alone, she had a task, and just like Garnet told her - they were still together even if they were apart. Although she also mentioned having to go through an Earthly ritual and wear a pair of rings for that to count. Spinel didn't give it much thought, she was just glad to have such a dear and caring friend in Steven. 

Eventually she found Lapis, though the blue gem seemed occupied. Lapis was leaning against a wall, her hands crossed together. She was looking to the side, with a mild disgust and pain on her face. 

Next to her, a buff orange gem had her hand placed on the wall she leaned at, just above Lapis, and the other hand at her hip. She seemed to be asking Lapis for something, and Lapis kept saying no. 

Spinel decided to investigate further. 

"Hey Lappy." She approached the two, putting on her stupid loving baby voice, "Who's your friend?" 

"That's Jasper. She's not exactly my friend…" 

"This is none of your business, twarp." Jasper cut her off, before returning her attention to Lazuli only, "I'm telling you - I changed! There's no war goin' on now, I'm not tryina' kill Rose or Steve whoever that is now." 

Spinel blinked in confusion, not stopping her smile. Haha, what? 

"It's a better time. Why don't you want to fuse with me now, I'm being nice!" 

"You're really not. I want you to leave me alone." Insisted Lapis. 

"Well I think you're just playing hard to get." Insisted Jasper. "You know you wanna fuse with me and feel Malachite again, you know it deep inside…" 

"Lap, is this gem bothering you?" Spinel interrupted the seduction innocently. 

"Yes." Lapis whispered. 

"Quiet down, will ya? Who are you even supposed to be, playtoy?" 

Spinel glanced at Lapis. The ocean gem nodded in approval. 

Spinel stepped forth, taking one hand out of her pocket and reaching it out to Jasper. 

"I'm Spinel, Steven's friend!" She said that with enthusiasm now. "I'm so excited to meet you."

Jasper waved her hand at her in annoyance. 

Perfect. That was all Spinel needed. 

She grabbed the big gem's finger with her pink little hand. 

And the next thing Jasper knew - was suddenly thrown over a small pink shoulder and landed into the trash containers nearby, upside down. 

During the moment it took her to realise what just happened - the next thing happened. 

Two giant rubber gloved hands tied around her, she was spun around, and thrown high up into the sky. 

Spinel turned her legs into a spring and launched herself up, quickly catching up with still utterly confused Jasper. She had to work quicker here - this wasn't Steven, she wouldn't purposely slow her descend down if she wanted to. 

Steven… Spinel thought of the time Steven opened his arms for her, in the light of the moon. And she hit him in the face. Repeatedly. 

Oh no, now wasn't the time to let it flood back, no… 

Spinel growled. She looked at Jasper, and imagined that it was her now - the Spinel that caused Steven so much harm - starting to fall back down below her. Spinel expanded her arm and held it clasped in a fist, as she made a spring out of her noodly hand and turned it around to face Jasper. 

Then she launched her attack, quickly descending down and effectively imprinting the orange gem into the ground with all her inner unresolved rage issues. 

There was now a small crater around them, and a little Jasper sized hole in the middle of it, with the Jasper herself now weakly laying down in it. Spinel returned her body to its normal proportions and slowly walked towards the center of the hole she created.

Once next to Jasper, she set her foot down on her chest, and leaned closer, putting her hand over her raised knee. She spoke with a kindest smile she knew how to pull, in the sweetest, childish voice: 

"Nice to meet you. If I see you around Lapis again, or if she tells me that she saw you anywhere in her vicinity - I'll rejuvenate you and bury you back underground." She made a motion of reaching for Jasper's face - which Jasper leaned away from, startled - and closing her hand, now holding her thumb between the pointing and the middle finger. 

"Got your nose!" She giggled softly, "Next time I'll rip it out of your face." 

With that, she hid her hands back into her jacket and walked off her. 

Where she stayed, Jasper was seeing stars in her eyes. Then her face lit up in a blush and she held a hand next to her cheek. It's been a while since a gem had kicked her butt like that. And she hated to admit - it was incredibly hot in her eyes…

Spinel walked back to amused and giggling Lapis. 

"I don't think this one's gonna bother you anytime soon." 

"Yeah. Thanks Spinel." Lapis smiled at her softly. 

Spinel was looking at that smile, and thinking of the time Lapis had kept an eye on her, because she expected her to ruin their job again. Or try to kill them. Again. 

"What are friends for?" Spinel shrugged. 

In a minute, Steven and Peridot ran towards the two. 

"We heard a noise - is everyone alright?" Steven asked first. 

Everyone? Did he… did he think that she… attacked someone innocent again? 

"Are you alright, Spinel? Did you get hurt?" Steven quickly added. Right, it made her feel bad when he suspected her in hurting others. 

She still wasn't sure whether to bring it up or not, but Steven placed his hand on her shoulder. Alright. She'll just forget it this time. He always had that soothing effect on her that made her feel at ease and made her want to forget all her worries suddenly. 

"Yeah, she just helped me explain to Jasper that I didn't want to see her again, is all." Lapis laughed, snorting in the middle of the sentence. 

Steven finally looked at the still lying gem in the middle of the crater behind them. Then he grabbed Spinel's hand into his own and hurried the two to run away. 

"We better get out of here before Bismuth sees it!" 

Spinel laughed, happily obliging and following Steven, letting him lead her. They were like rebels. They rebelled against the world! Two gems on the run, away from all the other gems, away from the places they knew. Just together, somewhere, someday, somehow. Just the two of them - sharing an embrace and never parting, as the world keeps turning around… Spinel could dream. 

She dreamt of having Steven all to herself, and never sharing. 

~ ~ ~ 

Her dreams weren't far from reality. Steven spent all his time with her, free or not. Neither of them ever ran out of the things they wanted the other to know about. And even when they shared a moment in silence - it was special. 

Spinel thought that nothing (spare for her issues) could go wrong about their idyllic harmony. 

And then something went wrong. 

That something slammed the glass door open and threw her bag on the ground of the house, as if she owed it. Then she ran towards Steven and hugged him tightly, chattering all about how much she missed him during the space camp. 

Spinel sat on the couch, cross-legged with her hands tucked on her legs, when that scenery unfolded. She stayed quiet, not yet sure what to do. She let her guard down for a little too low it seemed. 

Steven hugged Connie back at first. Then quickly pushed her back and kept a distance when he remembered who was watching. 

“Connie, I’m glad to see you too.” 

No asking why she came or for how long she was going to stay, huh? Has she ever tried to hurt Steven, Spinel wondered. 

“I’ve got the weekend all to myself, I couldn’t wait to spend it all with you!” Connie held her hands together happily. She didn’t seem to even acknowledge that Spinel was in the room with them. 

“Hah, that’s great. Spinel and I were just planning to go for a movie together, let’s pick something all three of us will love then. Oh, we can introduce her to The Unfamiliar Familiar series-” 

“Steven, what are you talking about?” Connie’s smile became a bit screwed. Spinel thought it was mocking her. 

“What? Oh! Sorry, it’s been a while, I forgot - was it not the first book in the series? That’s the one they made a movie about, right?” 

“No, I mean - I came all the way here to spend some time with you.” She insisted.

“Well, yeah, that’s great-”

“Just you.” 

She wasn’t smiling anymore. Neither was Spinel. Neither was Steven. 

Steven wasn’t sure how to put what he wanted to say. He felt like Connie was being just a little bit more rude than she needed to be about it. But then again, she barely said anything. That feeling just hanged in the air around her. 

How should he put it? He was glad to see Connie, but he didn’t want to leave Spinel hanging. It wouldn’t be wrong to, Steven did have a right to have a time and space of his own. 

It’s just that he really didn’t want to. 

“Spinel is also visiting from Homeworld, I think it would be rude to leave her hanging.” 

“Then don’t leave her hanging, she can hang out with someone else meanwhile.”

"Well maybe so can you." Steven frowned at her. He was right, she intended to be rude. 

Spinel held her breath as she watched the two. 

"Steven, you're being rude." 

"I only told you the same thing you just said. Spinel isn't a child or a toy to be passed around. Maybe you're being rude?" 

Connie clenched her fists, "Maybe you're being too dependant."

Spinel straightened out where she sat. Him? Dependant? Was that meant for Spinel instead and she didn't catch it? Steven wasn't… needing her all that much, was he? 

Was he?? 

"Connie, I don't see where this is coming from." 

"Maybe from the fact that you literally haven't parted with her for a week now?" 

Has it really been just a little week of a paradise between them, and also, has it been a whole long week of a paradise between them?

"Anytime I called or texted, you were with her. Either sent me a snap of hanging out together or said you were busy and… I just don't think this is healthy." 

Steven's expression turned sour, "Well sorry, didn't know I was a child incapable of recognizing healthiness or lack of it in your eyes." 

"That's not what I meant." 

"Then what? That I'm obsessed or-" 

"That she's manipulating you!" Connie raised her voice. 

Spinel got sad momentarily. It couldn't happen again, no, it couldn't happen again. Was Steven going to believe that, and not her? No, she wasn't manipulating him, could she ever? Even if she knew how to? Spinel reached for her gem, then she lowered her hands. 

No, she wouldn't let it happen, not again. Steven wouldn't hurt her. He wouldn't, she would do anything to assure that. 

"Connie! That's not true!" Steven stomped his leg, visibly angry at her. 

Oh, so Spinel didn't have to do anything after all. She had never seen Steven angry before. Even with her he was disappointed, but not angry. 

She got up and walked forward, standing next to Steven and looking at him with a mix of shock and softness. So he stood by his promise after all. 

Watching the familiar scene unfold, but this time with Spinel as the one he trusted, felt liberating. Like a heavy rock was lifted from her shoulders. 

Steven looked back at her with soft determination, then turned back to Connie, frowning again. 

"I thought you trusted me?" 

"I trust you. I don't trust her. I think she's doing something to you - she tried to destroy this planet, and you too! She tried to kill you!"

"Yeah, well, who hasn't?" Steven parried. 

"I didn't!" 

Steven didn't quite get the meaning of that. Was Connie… being jealous? 

Seeing his sudden confusion, Connie spoke on to change the subject. 

"You can't stay by her side forever." 

Steven almost replied "Watch me". 

As much as Spinel was relishing the sight, she suddenly realised that the two were arguing because of her. Nice as it felt, she didn't want to be a source of a problem between them. 

No one had ever stood up for their right to be by her side, and it was making her feel warm inside, but a chill of fear ran down her body at the thought of Steven being mad about arguing with Connie whole day. 

"I think I should go." She said, taking a step back. 

Where would she go? Probably to another room. Not likely to Homeworld, maybe just take a stroll, let the two settle it without the ability to say she made them angry at each other. 

She was in awe when Steven turned around, grabbed her hand, and said in a determined and firm voice, 

"No, stay here with me." 

He faced back at Connie, "You're being very rude, even if you think you're right from your point of view. You've got to ask me how I feel first, then-" 

Steven heard a thud and a flop behind himself, and both humans looked at Spinel. 

She had never had anyone, in any shape or form, insist on her staying around with them. Never had someone want her around so firmly, and she never thought Steven wanted her around so strongly. Never was it told with such a strong desire, she never felt so wanted and so needed and so protected… 

Her limbs went noodly and she melted onto the floor, her painted cheeks turning darker fuchsia than they already were as she blushed. All that she made out was a soft sight, and her gaze was unfocused and staring into something in another dimension. 

"Spinel?!" 

Steven sat down next to her, picking her head up. Her neck stretched with the motion. 

"Whaaa?" 

"See, she did that on purpose to distract-"

"Connie, I think you should leave." Steven cut her off. He made a mental decision not to react to anything else she would say. 

She added something about wanting to open his eyes. But Steven stayed focused on the fuchsia gem that melted on the floor before him. She was… so vulnerable like this. 

He couldn't allow for anything to happen to her like this. 

Connie eventually left, storming out and bringing her bag with her. 

Steven barely noticed it, spare for feeling easier about protecting Spinel now. He tried his best to gather her up and put her at least on the couch, and he sat there with her. Spinel finally moved her limbs - just to tie them around Steven tightly, subconsciously accounting for his need to breathe.

He held her head in his lap while her body regained its shape again, and he slowly pat her head while he was at it. 

Spinel relaxed. She felt safe with him. She knew she couldn't count on this sense of security forever, but just for now - she wanted to feel safe… 

~ ~ ~ 

“Why ya crying, small?” 

Connie raised her head. She thought she was sitting alone by the shore, crying out her eyes. But it seemed she was not alone after all. 

She wiped away her tears, and didn’t oppose when Jasper sat down by her side. 

“I think I’m losing my friend... to someone who’s bad for him.” Connie wanted to believe the last part, because she feared the first dearly. 

“You tried telling him?” 

“Yes. It didn’t work, because she…” Connie couldn’t put to words what exactly happened. It would take too long to explain. 

“Are you talking about Ro… eh, Steven? And... Spinel?” 

Jasper whispered the last word softly. The human girl got suspicious. 

“Yeah… what about it?” 

Jasper looked away, going silent. Connie leaned closer, seemingly trying to drill a hole in Jasper’s head with her look and read her mind. The buff gem leaned away, covering her face. 

Then she turned around abruptly, screaming so loud she knocked Connie back, 

“I think I love her, okay?!” 

Once Connie found her balance again, she continued. 

“I wan’ a chance with her… but she’s constantly staying with Steven, as if the world outside doesn't even exist anymore." 

“Oh.” 

Connie remembered. That’s right, Jasper loved Lapis for being a strong gem that beared a lot of power. And Spinel was… quite powerful, seeing as she managed to reap all the 4 crystal gems after 6000 years of standing still, and not even break a sweat. Thought it might have been a shock state for her. 

And Spinel… just like Jasper, wanted to always be together with someone. 

Connie jumped up suddenly, smiling wide. 

“Jasper, I have an idea!” 

“Cool. You want me to get you a card to commemorate that?” 

“Pffft, no. I have an idea how both of us can get what we want, if we work together.” 

Jasper raised an eyebrow at her. 

“How so?” 

Connie considered it one more time. Jasper was still far from a good person, but then again, Spinel was no better. Spinel stole her friend - her Steven. She wouldn’t be hurt all that much by Jasper, would she? No, she would probably be the one to hurt Jasper rather. 

Was Jasper worth it? Well, that was certainly outside of Connie’s concern. At the moment she just wanted her friend back. 

“You want Spinel, I want Steven. They’re together all the time. We can work together to split them up, and then each of us can have what we want! What do you say?” 

Connie reached her hand out to Jasper, looking confident in her words. 

Jasper took a moment to let her idea sink in. Then she stood up and grabbed the human’s hand for a handshake. 

“Maybe there is some fight in you after all, little.” 

~ ~ ~ 

Amethyst shot up the flight of stairs, and pretended to slam a nonexistent door open once she got to Steven's room, faking a sound of a door being slammed. 

"You two are fusing!" 

Steven and Spinel were laying on the bed, each with their own book. 

Steven turned to Spinel, 

"We were fusing? Spinel, why didn't you tell me? I would have put my book down." 

All three laughed at their re-enaction of the famous silly TV scene. 

Steven already taught Amethyst about the wonders of the internet culture before. Now she shared it with Spinel any time they would hang out together. Other days they would have a shapeshifting battle, sometimes over small prizes. Such as picking the junk food to order. Amethyst always leaned towards salty things, while Spinel states loyal to donuts. 

Loyalty, her forte. And her curse. 

Spinel laid on her gem, with a book before her, slowly swaying her feet in the air. Seeing Amethyst in Steven's vicinity wasn't making her worried. She knew Steven loved her like a younger sister, and the type of his love she didn't intend to share wasn't that to a younger sister. She was after something bigger. 

While the two talked, her mind wandered away from her book. Back to the earlier events of the day. When she punched Jasper. She imagined she was punching herself to feel better about it. And it… made her feel strange. She felt that it was wrong, but there was a certain relief in pain and aggression to her. She did her best to suppress it, letting sadness and numbness come in its place. But for how long would it work?

She was just that afraid to lose Steven again. But every day he proved more and more that he wouldn’t leave her over anything. So maybe… it was wrong of her to hide parts of herself to ensure it? 

She was mad. She was angry, often. It was the only way she knew to cope with her fear and pain, her trauma… 

She closed her book, without bookmarking where did she stop. It was decided. She would talk to Steven more about less pleasant topics. 

Being happy was one thing. But digging up the grave of her mistakes and counting the bones of her issues in it had yet to be done. And boy, she had a lot of skeletons in the closet to reveal. She just didn’t want to feel sad with him. 

But whom would she face her flaws with, if not with Steven? The one who intended to help her? The one she… felt safe with. 

Amethyst went away, wishing them well, and Steven started to put the books aside anyways. 

Honeymoon was over. It was time to tend to her garden of feelings. 


	4. Watering the Seeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weed out the dandelions and water the seeds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connie and Jasper are still purposely villains.
> 
> There is a mild smut in the end of this chapter.

She could wait till the morning, right? No, she could not. 

The ceiling was consumed by darkness, just like everything else in the room. But it had a few luminescent stars decorating it, which glowed of faint green in the dark. 

Spinel stared up at them, she was learning the pattern by now, thinking that this was some sort of a secret map to a place in a galaxy that was important to Steven. But truly it was just a random way he placed them there when he was decorating. 

Yet she stared up at them, from the comforting safety of this human bed and human blanket, finding the sight she was getting used to - to be comforting in its constant familiarity. 

She turned her head to the side, facing Steven. Was he asleep already? Her hand was out of the banket, and deposited in his own. Occasionally that was how they fell asleep. It kept Spinel calm on the… difficult nights. 

It seemed Steven was already asleep after a tiring day, feeling just as calm as he made Spinel feel. 

He looked so peaceful like that. Alright, alright. She could wait till the morning after all… 

Waking up was always weird. One moment Spinel didn't exist. Then she needed a minute to remember where she was. And every morning the first though Spinel had in her mind was,

"Am I still in the Garden?" 

Steven raised up and stretched out next to her. No, she wasn't in the Garden. She was home. 

"Hey sleepy head." She giggled, reaching her hand out. 

Sleepily, but coming to his senses, Steven took it. 

"Steven? I wanted to ask you…" 

The boy moved his hair out of his face. Spinel hadn't started a serious talk with him this whole week. Was this about Connie? Did something else upset her? 

"Yes?" 

She took a moment to gather her thoughts. 

"We made a…" Truce? Pact? "Promise to always be honest with each other." 

"Yes. Yes we did." 

"And I want to be honest with you." Spinel finally sat up too, "I'm not perfect. And I'm not nice. And I know I'm not. But I want to work on it." 

Steven wanted to note that she was nice, but this wasn't about the facts. This was about how she felt. Those two things don't ever align together all that well. 

"That's great." He commented, rubbing his eye, "Do you mind if we continue this talk when I'm… awake? Then I'll be more focused." 

She nodded. Steven had his morning routine, she learned that by now. 

She paced around, rehearsing what she wanted to tell him, while Steven did all his morning preparations. 

It was down in the kitchen area when he finally became viable for serious discussion. He sat on the couch, intending to listen carefully and catch every word, especially those unsaid. Spinel was walking in circles. 

Spinel asked to gather her thoughts once more, to which she received an assuring reply that she had all the time in the world. 

"Really, if you don't feel comfortable talking about it - we don't have to." 

"Thank you, Steven. But I've already waited- postponed, I've already postponed this enough." She held her hands together, two pointing fingers pointing up next to her mouth, "Hoo boy. I'm aware I am… far from a mentally stable person." She kept one eye closed in mild embarrassment, gazing at Steven, "And- and it's been nice to forget it for a while. But I… you said we need to be honest with each other. Honestly, I am not a nice person. And, maybe, sort of, I've been…" She was afraid to look up at him, "Trying to suppress the bad in me to feel better. But… I figured that I was just lying to myself."

She held her hands open, symbolic of her opening her soul to Steven. 

The boy looked at her seriously, with a lot of attention focused on her speech. Not mad, not disappointed, not angry - that's good. Lack of those is a good sign. 

"I'm still bad. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I want to get mad - at things, at people, at myself. And- and sometimes I want to get mad even when I know I'm not right - I just want to be mad and punch it out on something. Or someone…" She was twirling her hands, trying to gesture how complicated it all felt, "I want to be better, I promise I do. I… just don't know how! I'm conscious of it all being wrong and I can't help it!" 

"Spinel." Steven patted the place on the couch next to him. 

She slowly uncroissanted her hands, and sat down, while Steven got up. 

This time he spoke before her. 

"I'm really proud of you for getting the courage to tell me all of that. And for acknowledging all of that. That means you're already on the right path, even if so shallow now. Now, I… I'm not a professional psychologist (people tend to forget that), but I can tell you some things about this. 

Self hatred is not healthy, but it never comes from nowhere either. You were hurt. You were hurt in a way that made you think you weren't good enough. And that's… bad that it happened to you. And that explains a lot about you. But it doesn't excuse you." 

He waited to make sure Spinel got the idea. 

She nodded back silently. 

"And it doesn't always depend on you if you ever upset someone with something you can do or say, unintentionally… just like someone can upset you with their actions, and it's reasonable to say that their "I didn't mean it" won't cut it for you. It's true. 

The thing about it is… you have to account for how people around you can feel about your actions and words. Not for everyone, mostly for people you know. Though it’s good to be thoughtful in general. 

Then people will account for you too. 

What I'm saying is… you were hurt. Hurting others wasn't the best plan of action. But it was the one your shattered mentality required. It made others hurt, and you know what that became - they weren't incredibly thrilled to see you, because you hurt them. That's what anger impulses cause. 

And, rage issues… Look, I'm not a therapist, I can't give you professional therapy to help it. 

But I can help you find safer means to spend your boiling energy. Safer for you, Spinel. You shouldn't be… wanting to harm yourself." He got noticeably quieter. "Like I said, account for how it makes people feel… I care about you. What you did- what you tried to do - made me feel sad. Because I like having you around… I want to be able to keep doing that." 

Steven stopped now, before he'd accidentally list everything that he liked about Spinel. 

She thought about his words for a while, tucking her legs to her chest. 

"So you're saying that the path to being a better person is just… think of others, and channel aggression safely?"

"Well, yeah. There's more to it, but that's a good start, and that's just what I think anyways." 

"You make it sound so easy." 

"It is harder than it sounds. That's a path of healing for you."

"What about… relapses?" 

Spinel stood up, with her hands down by her sides. Steven put his hands on his hips and tilted his head in confusion. She needed an extra minute to elaborate on it - to confess to him. 

"I've been suppressing it so many times by now. Times when I just wanted to… go ape shit. On people. Random people. Who upset me. Or not. Because if I was upset - why should they be happy? I know!" She added before he said anything, "I know it makes no sense and sounds rude, and that's what pushes me further into hating myself for being this way, and that's what makes me angrier, and that's what makes me want to hurt people more…" 

She slid down to the floor as she spoke. She held her legs to her chest and hid her head in her hands, clutching her hair. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't wanna be this way." 

Steven sat down by her side, putting a hand over her shoulder. 

"Spinel." She didn't reply, though she seemed to listen. "It's… okay. It may not seem like it now. But it will be. Eventually. You're… not mad right now, right? Look at me." 

She looked up at him, still holding onto her hair. 

"Say, you were mad now. There's only me here. So you'd try to hurt me. … How would it make things better?" 

She avoided eye contact. 

Steven continued to speak, very softly, almost in a whisper. 

"Would it make it better? Would it make you hurt less?" 

"Nooo…" She whined. 

"And if you break something in anger? You'll look for it later, when you're not mad, and find that you broke it. That's the consequences…" 

"I don't want to break things…" she said, smallish. 

“Or you could end up pushing people away.” 

“Mmm…” She made a distressed sound. 

"You don't have to give in to your anger. There are plenty of ways to deal with it. Sometimes you just need to wait it out before acting. Like counting to ten. Taking deep breaths." Steven held his arms out, invitingly. "Counting on your friends. You can do that." 

Spinel let go of her hair, and reached for him, letting Steven bring her closer and hold her, until she calmed down again. 

"There we go." Steven thought, but did not voice. "I'll keep you calm. Always." 

But it was time to actually start the day. 

"I think we've done enough for the first time. You did well, Spinel." 

~ ~ ~ 

It was the middle of the day when Connie came over again. She seemed regretful of her actions, and even enthusiastic to make up for it - she invited the two to hang out in the mall in her town.

This seemed like a good idea to start over. The transport of choice was decided on - lion, of course. Connie sat on the front, causing Steven to hold onto her from behind, while Spinel held onto Steven from the back. The difference being that Steven tried to keep as much distance as he could with Connie, and Spinel leaned fully into him, taking in the smell of his hair that she loved so much… 

Lion brought the three to the destination - a tall and glassy building with moving staircases and a lot of flashy shops and mini bars inside - and wandered off. 

This was going to be fun. Spinel didn't get the idea of whatever the "Mall" was. She just hoped it wouldn't include having to "maul" anyone. But she joined in on her friend's enthusiasm. 

The first stop was jumping on and going up and down the moving ladders. 

While the two humans played around on it, Spinel managed to get her rubber hand stuck in one of them. Steven found it funny at first - she was so flexible and liquid, she’d probably go in and come out on the other side. But then he recalled that her gem wasn't made of rubber as well as her body, and so it probably wouldn't fit in the gap. So he rushed in to hold her back from being consumed by every child’s worst nightmare. 

Spinel didn't have the concept of this danger sink in to her yet, though she did like the fact that Steven suddenly held her. She let her arm stretch for a while… till she decided it was time to move to avoid making this awkward, so she made her hand so flat - it reeled back to her with ease. Steven was relieved to recall she could also do that. They laughed about it together, while he still held her. 

Damn it. That was one way Connie's plan backfired. But it was too early to say that it failed completely… 

Next thing on the list - clothes section. 

Neither of the three needed new clothes, they only needed those round hangers to hide at. Connie suggested hide and seek. After getting Spinel's approval, Steven agreed. 

Connie tried to spy where did Spinel hide, and playfully lure Steven as far as she could while he searched for the two. 

But in the end Steven turned around and instantly found where Spinel was, causing the pink gem to jump up happily and hug him for finding her. 

Connie shook her hands in rage from the distance. 

When she was seeking - she planned to leave Spinel hanging wherever she went, but she managed to bump into Steven the second she started seeking. And from there Steven quickly helped her find Spinel. It's like the two sensed each other. Another hug took place. 

When Spinel sought - she scared Connie by stretching her head around until she spotted her, then reaching all the way up to her just to tell her that she's been found. 

Steven seemed to have a good laugh at Spinel "cheating" the game with her abilities. 

Connie was silently growing furious. 

It was smoothie time. She couldn't screw up this. She got two cups, and one of them had two straws. She hid that one behind her back, as she reached a single cup for Spinel. She waited until the gem tasted her drink. Now it was claimed by her. 

Then she revealed the second cup, sadly informing Steven that there was no alternative, and they would have to share it now. 

Steven felt fine about this, as he took a sip from his side. Before Connie could do the same on her part - Steven leaned away, saying that he didn't like the taste. 

Spinel instantly reached her own cup for him to try. And he liked that one more. 

"Seems like you're getting the whole cup to yourself, Connie. That's so great." He said innocently. 

Connie almost choked on her recyclable straw. But she kept quiet and drank it all up, while her two "friends" took turns drinking from the same cup. A gesture even more romantic than two straws, damn it. 

Spinel got those strange warm feelings again, when she'd take sips after Steven, but again she didn't give it a second thought. It was probably an allergy. 

Connie concentrated. It was time for the main plan to take place. This one the two lovebirds wouldn’t ruin. First thing first, she suggested going to look for some fancy clothes, even if they weren’t planning to buy them - she said she’d just like to introduce Spinel to the concept of shopping, so she asked to borrow her for a while. 

Steven asked Spinel if she felt okay with that. The pink gem did hesitate, but she eventually agreed, reassured by Steven that she could do that. Connie wished she could put two fingers in her mouth and press them down on her tongue to throw up, while she watched the two discuss parting for a short while as if they were parting for years. Steven didn’t act that way when Connie said she was going to the space camp. He didn’t act this way with her at all. 

She cursed Spinel in her mind. The fuchsia gem must have been good at pretending to be having all those “panic attacks” and “tantrums” that kept Steven by her side all the time, Connie thought, even though she never saw her do the latter. She just assumed she did. 

She led Spinel to the girl’s clothes section (which wasn’t an accurate alignment, just a part of Connie’s plan). They tried on skirts, though Spinel leaned more towards pants and boots. She found something fancy about them. 

And she found something good in herself. There she was, away from Steven and not even in his jacket, but feeling… fine. Missed him already, sure. But she could do this. This time she wasn’t having a panic attack, so far at least. And she was with Connie, the girl who seemingly sincerely wanted to be friends this time. Things seemed to turn out for the better… 

As they carefully folded and placed back the clothes that they tried on, Connie said she would return in a minute. 

A minute. Sure. Spinel could do that. She kept examining the hanged dresses, while Connie ran around the corner, waited a minute, and returned again. Somewhere deep in her conscience, she did start to feel a little bad for doing this to her. But she tried to drown it away, telling herself that Spinel was bad, and she was saving Steven. She was, was she not? 

“Spinel, Steven called me over. Can you wait here? We need to do something - jam buds stuff - and we’ll come back for you, okay?” 

“Jam buds” was a white, contextless noise for Spinel. 

Steven called her over, only her? And told Spinel to wait here… That’s strange to say the least. But she could do that. After all, maybe he wanted to settle something personal, or maybe they were preparing something for her… Yeah, there could be a lot of options. 

It’s weird that he told her to wait. Usually if he thought he’d be occupied - he’d at least let her have his jacket. But alright, maybe she didn’t know all about it. 

Spinel agreed, and kept looking at the clothes. 

But Connie added, 

“Okay, stand right here, and don’t go anywhere. We’ll come pick you up later.” 

With that, she ran off. 

Her last words gave Spinel chills down her spine. 

She froze for a moment. In her mind the fear Connie arose in her and the will to calm herself were battling. And she stood moveless and quiet while they did that. 

No, no, get… yourself… together… No!

Spinel jumped up and landed down a few meters behind. Moving, moving, moving. She had to keep moving. This was so stupid, they just left her behind for a minute (left her behind forever!) No! People get told to wait all the time, why couldn’t she be a normal gem about it? 

Spinel held her head in her hands and closed her eyes, her mind becoming too loud to handle. 

Maybe to hell with it? Screw what she said, go and find them. Steven told her to prioritize her mental health. And right now she was getting a panic attack all over again. 

So… what? Go and find them and admit how weak she was? No, Spinel was strong, stronger than anyone thought she could ever get. She was strong, she could make a change, she could make a decision, she could… 

She stared down at the floor, breathing heavily, as familiar sensations flooded back to her. 

Back in the Garden… She knew she could do something about the pain she felt. She was going to come to Earth and… rage. Take her anger out. Make it known she was hurt. And hurt others. 

No! It was wrong! Steven said it was wrong to give in to the anger!

But Steven wasn’t here now… 

But it doesn’t matter! He would come back for her, she would make him proud for once this whole week! 

Spinel tried to stand idly. But as soon as she willed herself to stop moving - a vision appeared before her eyes. The room got dark, everything around rotted. And from the ground below her feet - the vines started emerging and enveloping her legs, slowly crawling higher, getting hold of her hands and dragging her down to leave her rotting with the rest of the scenery, with the rest of the Garden...

Moving snapper her out of it. 

A hand reached out to pat her shoulder lightly. Spinel scanned the source of it: Not Steven. She swapped the hand away. She was not even aware - and didn’t care - who’s hand was it. 

After she got her hand slapped away, Jasper questioned if she should have carried out with the plan at all. Spinel didn’t seem to acknowledge her presence at all. But… maybe it was for the better? 

Jasper tried again, this time her gesture accompanied by calling out to Spinel. 

“Hey… Spinel? Ya need help?” She felt so stupid saying that aloud now. 

Spinel felt another advance. She slapped her hand away again, with more force now. 

Force… it felt so good. It felt so good to her to be able to let her feelings out by hurting things, the impact, the pain she felt back, it made Spinel feel… lighter. 

She turned towards the source of the invading hand - the Not Steven. She twirled her hand around and landed a good punch on whoever it was. 

She sent Jasper flying back a few blocks. 

This felt nice. Spinel laughed, this felt better than calming herself. And instantly! 

That was decided. She’ll cope with this the way she knows how to. 

“I’m rude now.” She said in her blinding rage, forming her hands into springs to launch herself off the place that she stood at. 

She jumped on one of the giant decorations that hanged from the ceiling, searching the area for… Is that Connie and Steven? 

Connie ran back to Steven as fast as she could. The first thing he asked her was the whereabouts of Spinel. Of course. What else? 

Connie caught her breath, 

“She… stayed behind to… look at more clothes. I asked her to come but she, uh…” This was for the better, this was for the better, “She said she’d catch up to us later.” 

“Oh.” Steven blinked at her. That sounded nothing like Spinel. And nothing like honest Connie… 

“Steven, while we’re alone, can I talk to you? I really wanted to tell you… I’m really sorry. I’ve… I did act rude back then.” 

“Yeah, you did.” Steven was still squinting at her, trying hard to imagine Spinel staying behind and telling people she’ll find them later. That just sounded nothing like her. 

But then again… why would Connie lie? 

“I’m really sorry. I really hope I can ever… make it up to you. Steven…” She held her hands together, faking shyness, “You’re my friend. My dear friend. I should be… more considerate. I just… really don’t want to lose you.” 

Steven sighed. She really was the same Connie that he knew for past few years. He thought it was so silly now, that he spent years questioning if he liked Connie as a friend or was there more to it. And then he saw Spinel exactly once and already knew she’d be his wild ride with a length of a lifetime. 

He realized Connie would always be his best friend. He placed one hand on her shoulder, reassuringly. 

There was a weird, faint thud in the distance. 

“It’s okay. We all make mistakes. You’re my good friend after all.” 

Connie pretended to be deeply touched. 

Then she made her grave mistake. 

She leaned in, fully hugging Steven, and smiling happily about it. Steven thought, just this once, nothing could go wrong. And he’d go looking for Spinel right after, to tell her the good news of him having sorted his feelings out for Connie. 

He hugged her back. 

There was a loud thud right next to the two. An enraged fuchsia gem landed on the ground right next to them, creating cracks where her soft shoe hit the tiles. 

Steven felt so shocked, he forgot to let Connie go from his arms. And Connie purposely kept holding onto him, now even closer. 

Spinel was mad. Her limbs were extended out, making herself seem bigger for intimidation. Her hair was long and upwards, like the ears of an angered bunny, ready for an attack. 

And the way she looked at the two meant nothing good. It was pure rage at first, then surprise - shock. Sadness. Pain. And she cycled back to being mad again, with renewed passion. 

Right. Steven forgot she was capable of it. But why was she like that? Something must have happened. What could have… 

Spinel snarled. In her mind Steven told her to wait - indirectly - left her behind - and went to hug Connie? He went to be with her and left Spinel behind?! After everything? 

Spinel lowered her body, ready to jump. 

Steven had to act quick. He threw Connie aside, summoned his shield and blocked off an attack of Spinel launching herself at him. 

She extended her fists out. Steven kept two smaller shields on his hands, blocking out her advances. 

“Traitor!” She screamed, spitting out. 

“Spinel, what are you talking about? What happened?” 

“What happened? What happened?!” Her voice turned into a growl, as she snuck one of her hands to grab Steven by the face. “Not only did you leave me waiting behind - you went on to be with Connie!” 

Steven tried to get her hand off his face. 

“What?!” 

“Was it all a lie?!” She kept screaming. “All that time just… playing with me? And leaving me behind when you’ve had enough fun!” 

“Spinel, I would never leave you behind!” Steven finally pried her hand off himself, raising up his shield. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. But I promise, I didn’t leave you behind! I didn’t trade you for Connie - she’s just my friend!” 

Connie was on her knees nearby, supporting her body up by her hands on the floor. Her eyes trembled when she heard that. 

Just a friend… 

“Liar!” Spinel roared. 

“I’d never lie to you, I made a promise!” 

The pink gem raised her hand up, making her fist bigger and aiming it at Steven, planning to send him flying into the next week. 

Steven saw that. 

He put his shield away, hearing a faint “Steven no!” somewhere from the side, and stood with his arms open and spread in front of enraged Spinel. 

“If you really believe that I lied to you - you can hit me! Hit me until you feel better then!” 

He looked serious and determined, turning his other cheek for her. Waiting. If she thought he lied - so be it, he’ll let her get it out. And then he’ll talk to her about it once it’s out of her system for good. 

Her fist shook with anger in the air. 

But it never landed a hit. 

She subdued, making herself small again and sinking down to her knees. She started sobbing. Steven sat down next to her. He reached his hands out - she leaned back at first, as if she expected him to hurt her - but then took his invitation and let herself be held in his hands. 

“I’m sorry…” She whispered. 

“It’s alright.” He comforted. 

They sat silently for a while, it didn’t seem like either was planning to part any time soon. Steven kept petting her head, making sure she was calming down and her breathing was getting even… 

Connie carefully approached the two. 

“Steven, what are you doing?” She asked with a desperate whine, “She was just trying to hurt you!” 

Spinel shuddered, ready to get up and leave, but Steven tightened his hold on her. 

“Yeah. Because she got hurt. And she thought I hurt her.” Accounting for other people’s feelings, huh? “And then she did something much bigger than that.” 

Steven grabbed Spinel by shoulders and helped her sit up in front of him, her hands staying on her knees. He was talking to her only now. 

“You did it! You actually did it - you managed to control your anger! You stopped! You stopped it all by yourself, that’s so great! You did good, Spinel.” 

Spinel’s expression twitched, and she held onto her gem. 

“I…” She didn’t feel like it was her own accomplishment. “I just… realised I didn’t want to… do worse. I didn’t want to hit you. Even if you- Even if I thought you left me behind.” 

“I didn’t leave you behind, I promise.” 

Connie held her hands together worriedly. Don’t let them talk it out, don’t let them find out… 

“Steven? Don’t you think it’s… wrong? You left her for a minute, and she… went berserk. Don’t you think that makes her dangerous?” 

A silence hanged. Spinel could hear a faint heartbeat. 

Steven slowly raised his head at Connie, looking utterly disappointed, and angered. He didn’t even know where to begin with that - with her trying to paint a mentally ill gem as socially dangerous because of her trauma. 

He didn’t even know where to begin, so he didn’t. He got up, helping Spinel get up with him, and holding her hand in his own tightly. 

“You can call me when you realize how wrong what you just said is.” He threw at Connie, and led Spinel away. 

“But I’m right!” Connie threw back at him, but it’s unlikely he even heard her… 

~ ~ ~ 

“I just don’t feel like I did anything.” Spinel said, sitting on the couch at Steven’s house. “I… wouldn’t have stopped, if it wasn’t you in front of me, and if you didn’t do what you did… How’d you even know that was going to work?” 

Steven put a pair of warm cups of tea on the table, and sat down next to Spinel, covering their legs with a blanket. 

“I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t think it would “work”. I just figured you were mad beyond being reachable, so I thought I’d just let you rage it out ‘till you’d calm down.” 

“You were just going to let me hit you?!” 

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” he tried to laugh it off, “but I’m proud of you. I just stood there, literally. You stopped yourself.” He patted her shoulder. 

Steven really was proud of her. She was making progress, and he was helping her with the hardest part. Kept believing in her. That’s what she needed the most. 

And he hoped she still needed him. Slowly and over time, Steven was aware of all the times he felt incredibly comfortable together with her. Usually he loved to get some alone time to himself, but Spinel took the need of that away. He felt as peaceful as alone with her. Was that how it works? Was it normal to want no one else around but her? And feel so… at home with her?

Deep inside he wanted to find out just how deep he was willing to dive into this with her. But the fear of scaring her off was greater, so Steven hoped he could just… keep it without changes for a while. 

But changes never ask when to come. 

Someone knocked on the front door. 

Steven went up to answer, but found no one around. Only a suspicious box on the ground. He picked it up and called Spinel to follow him to his room to inspect it. 

She brought the cups of tea with her. 

They would need it. 

~ ~ ~ 

“The bird is in the nest.” 

"What's a bird?" 

Connie put down the binoculars and rolled her eyes. 

"The fish took the bait!"

"A'ight. You gonna mention if Steven took the box yet or not?" 

"That's what I'm saying, I'm just coding it for conspiracy." 

"What conspiracy, we're alone in this whole place." Jasper pointed around them. They truly were alone, hiding behind a large stone arm and looking at the house. 

"Say again, what's yer plan here?" 

"This time I'm going to make it so that Steven will tell Spinel to leave him alone." 

"With a piece of cake?" 

"A special piece of cake." 

“You made me go and buy whatever you soaked it in - “Aphrodisiac” or whatever - I get a right to know what was that.” 

Connie thought that Jasper was the last person - well, gem - to be talking about rights. Yet she knew she also wouldn’t shut up until she’d tell her. 

“So basically, the thing that we put in that cake will make Steven… Uuuh… It will make him feel… the way that when humans feel that way - they prefer to be alone.”

“You have a drink for wanting to be alone?” 

“No, not directly. It’s more like… It will make him feel … Vulnerable. It’ll make him feel vulnerable in the special human way. In a way when you don’t usually want someone around yourself.” 

“Usually?” Jasper didn’t like what that word implied. 

“Yeah, well, other times people stay and… do things together. But that only happens between people are like… really close and trust each other and stuff. Like, romantically together.” 

Jasper kept quiet for a moment, putting her hand to cover her mouth as she mentally rehearsed the plan in her head again. 

“So yer telling me… that we gave Steven, who hasn’t left Spinel’s side all week, and been huggin’ and comfortin’ her all the time - something that can make him romantically vulnerable?” 

Connie hesitated to answer. 

“Uhhhh…. don’t sweat it! It’ll work out and he’ll ask her to leave him alone and she’ll have a breakdown over it- Just you wait!” 

They’re not that close, are they? - Connie wondered silently.

~ ~ ~ 

“Steven, what’s wrong?!” Spinel felt terrified, looking at the way he started to feel shortly after they shared the found piece of cake. “Oh no, oh no, what if there was poison in it? What do we do?” 

“Spinel, I’m alright, really, it’s just…” Steven crossed his arms and doubled over, “It’s nothing, it just got really hot in the room all of a sudden, heh heh.” 

His laugh came out very faked. He wasn’t doing so well, sitting on the side of his bed with his body running hotter every second. “I don’t think it was poisoned… I’m fine, I promise.”

“Promise? You don’t look fine. You can’t even move! Steven…” 

Spinel came closer, grabbing his shoulders and trying to read what was making him feel so bad on his face. Steven was blushing and was weirdly hot, and that was all. But Spinel didn’t know enough about humans, or half humans, to come to any conclusion here.

As for Steven, he felt a jolt of electricity when she touched him. This was torture, it seems there really was a poison in the cake that they found in the box and shared, but not the one he expected. Steven guessed that whatever it was - got him in the state he was in now. 

The aroused state. 

Spinel was all over the place and worried, but he didn’t know how to tell her - how to explain any of it to her. And right now, he couldn’t even think straight to explain anything. 

If he could just take care of himself now, he would… Steven shook his head at himself. Did he just forget that Spinel was in the room with him? Did he just visualise touching himself while she was with him, or did he… want it? Spinel wasn’t exactly human, no, but… He surprised himself when he thought of it again and again, finding that the thought of being so vulnerable and intimate with her didn’t scare him all that much. Fear for weirding her out, sure. But if she wanted it, he wouldn’t oppose… Why would she want it though? And how in a world would he know that she felt the same? 

Maybe this was just an effect of his state, and he wouldn’t normally feel that way about her? Then he should probably wait unit it wears of and ask himself again… 

But he couldn’t wait! He didn’t even know he was shaking. But Spinel knew, as she saw that. She was worried, but not scared. She was determined to do whatever it takes to help him. If she needed to carry him across the town now - she damn would do her best to cover the long distance fast. But Steven just wasn’t telling her what was wrong. Was he not trusting her? 

Spinel took his face into her hands, leaning closer. 

“Stevie…” She said slowly, “How do I help you?”

She was looking him into the eyes ever so softly, with concern and care and a sincere desire to help written all over her trauma-scarred face. 

It was that moment that Steven’s self control gave up. 

He held her face in his own hands, just like that - and with that brought her closer to kiss her on the lips. 

Spinel didn’t get what just happened. Why’d he want to put his face against hers so closely? It’s not like she complained though, this felt somewhat nice. She felt her lips right against his own. She opened her mouth to try and say something - but didn’t carry out with that, because the next moment his tongue was inside of her mouth. 

It was about third weirdest human thing Spinel ever faced. But she didn’t protest, sincerely curious as to what was happening. She could feel him exploring her mouth, she could taste him - and then there was this feeling again. 

Her vision became white and her gem felt hot, as if someone poured hot lava straight into it, and the more she felt exposed to it - the more this pleasant warmth spread through her body, making every touch that she got feel ten times softer and more special. 

Ah, so it wasn't an allergy. 

It was all because of Steven’s taste? She knew that his saliva had healing powers towards shattered or damaged gems and humans, but she was whole. And it made her feel so… blissful. He probably licked her gem back together when she tried to shatter herself, she thought with adoration, the grim note having no effect on the moment they were sharing. At the moment she suddenly kind of wished he'd kiss her gem again.

Finally, Steven moved back to breath again. Looking terrified, he started whispering how sorry he was to do that. 

Spinel didn’t reply right away - she was cooling down from what she felt. Steven wasn’t cooling down though. He was only feeling worse, he wanted more. He couldn’t hold himself back from wanting more. 

“Can we do it again?” Both of them asked in unison. 

There was a second of surprised silence, then Spinel smiled and let Steven bring her closer, going back to the explorations they were doing. She put her legs down around his own on the bed, but Steven fell backwards, causing her to follow him and now loom above him. 

That didn't stop the two. In fact, both laughed about it for a second, and then returned to the more important matters at hand. Steven brought her close, holding onto the soft body like it was his dear life, and maybe to him she really was. He needed her now, needed to feel something against himself more than he needed to breath. And she was oblivious to whatever was happening, but Steven was finally feeling better, and she was having her own fun, so that was a win-win. She let him guide her head as he kissed her deeply, exploring the newly found sensations and the things he had only fantasized about before, or wondered about in the dark of the night.

Spinel was having a blast, but something was missing for Steven. The security and the confidence that he was with the one person he trusted enough for this - was in place. But he needed more than that. He needed a different type of stimulation - or at least a well played lack of it - to finish. 

"Spinel..." He said softly, in a breathy tone. 

"Yes?" Did he want something? 

"Could you…" He was taking pauses to catch his breath. "Could you please…" 

"Steven?"

She placed her hand over his own, mentally ready to do anything that he asked of her now. Anything to prolong or better the moment of utter pleasure that they were sharing. 

"Please… hold my hands." 

Spinel grabbed his hand into her own, softly. 

"No, no I mean… hold them down." 

Hold them down? Hold him in place? That was a weird request, but she was happy to oblige. 

She got hold of his wrists, grounding her hands into the bed with the strength that she never had at first glance, yet she always had it in her. 

That was more like it. Steven loved that - the lack of control over this, the struggles he put in. He struggled almost all too happily against that, suddenly feeling like his pants got tighter on him.

Spinel noted those struggles. She decided to go with his own request further. When he bucked his hips up again - she sat down, grinding on his hips to keep him down. 

Steven made a weird sound at that. A prolonged moan. The sound almost came across as pained, temporarily scaring Spinel - did she do something wrong? 

"Are you alright?" She asked, while holding him down with every limb that she had. 

"Yes, please." He said in a hazy state, "Please Spinel…" 

"Yes?" 

He had no idea how to put what he needed of her. And even if he wasn't feeling like that - he wouldn't explain it. So right now he could only say, 

"Please take lead." 

There was a need for a double take on that. Spinel never took lead or was in charge of anything (spare for her evil plan and anger). But right now her main objective was to make him feel better. And she had no idea what was going on, but she happily obliged. 

She held his hands down, while she smiled above him with a tint of gloating, watching as he struggled to reach up and kiss her more, he was begging her so cutely. She waited a little more, before leaning down and kissing him - this time she took the lead of that, exploring his mouth. Making him have to accomodate for what she pleased to do to him. 

He was bucking his hips up with a steady rhythm, and it somewhat reminded her of riding a horse, or at least seeing other people do that on TV. She couldn’t help but giggle, feeling that she was on a happy ride. 

And she was fast to notice that the tighter she held him - the happier Steven seemed. Interesting… 

She moved both of his wrists to her one hand, and used her freed one to hold him around the neck. Softly at first, just waiting for him to protest or say no. But he didn’t - he seemed content with what was to come - so she tightened her grip around his neck, watching as he struggled to free his hands and probably fight her hand off, if he could. But he couldn’t escape that iron grip. He could only hope that she knew what she was doing. 

And Spinel certainly did. She let go and let him catch his breath eventually. Then closed her hand again. She liked playing with him, like he was her toy now. She was in control, in utter control of everything about him, and this felt, and this felt… 

Right. 

Suddenly Steven’s movement became more erratic, he sped up thrusting his hips up - Spinel took it for a que to tighten her grips on him and kiss him once more. She was so focused on getting the kick out of this power play - she forgot her other pleasure. 

And then there were loud and pained moans coming from Steven, as he finally stopped struggling and thrusting so much. 

Spinel let his limbs go, and laid down besides him. Both were catching their breaths now. Spinel reached to hold Steven's hand, crossing their fingers together. 

"What was that?" She asked, utterly confused, but certainly pleased. 

Steven thought on the words he could have used to describe it, now that he could sort of think again, but only ended up whispering few words quietly, while looking right before himself. 

"The loss of my innocence."

The two exchanged a look. Then they laughed, innocently and happily as can be. 


	5. Weeding out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time we carry out with Jasper's plan.  
Weapon headcanons.  
Cliffhanger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know the smut part was rushed in - that's the point of it being there. The conflict. The awkward situation that Steven and Spinel have to learn to grow over - to continue being together.  
If they can.  
I'm so glad and thankful that you guys are tagging along to find out what happens next, even if you didn't like that scene all that much. Thank you.

The next day. He wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t want to talk about it at all. Steven was in the middle of still questioning his feelings all around, and he thought that rushing into something like that… was a bump on their road. It somewhat simultaneously made it better and worse that Spinel had no idea what they did. Or rather, what she watched him do. What did she even get out of it? 

She sat on the couch now - literally over the couch. Her legs were on the sitting part, while she sat on the top part of it. Steven sat more normally, besides her. 

It hanged in the air, he needed to say something. Explain what it was to her? Scare her away? Weird her out? 

This was bad for him. He didn’t want to lose her, or her progress, or anything that’s been building up between them, if there even was anything. He didn’t even know if he wanted to like her that way, and if she would ever… even know the equivalent of those feelings, let alone feel the same. 

Love takes time to build. Sometimes it rushes, sometimes it’s too slow. Sometimes it takes pain and break ups and not very good decisions being made, and then more pain, before it even has a chance to grow. 

But one thing has always been certain. If the feeling of love (or friendship, for that matter) was there - it would always be there, through any sort of misfortune and disagreements. And if it ends - then it was not there to begin with. 

Yet nothing was ever as painful as taking that 50 / 50 chance of finding that out. 

Fear to lose it all took over. Alright, Steven thought, maybe if he’d never bring it up again - they can just… pretend it never happened. 

Someone knocked on the door cautiously. 

Connie walked in - much more reluctantly than a while ago now. She started by saying how sorry she was for what she said, while trying to scan the expressions on their faces to tell if her plan had taken place as she expected it to work. 

The two seemed fine next to each other, although Steven was looking a bit… flustered. 

"I… hope I didn't ruin the day with what I said to you, Spinel." She tried to crawl closer to the topic.

"Oh, nah. I had a good day… after that breakdown. Me and Steven played a lot of fun games."

Steven shot up, putting his hand up and a finger next to his lips. 

"I rode Steven." Spinel smiled innocently. 

Connie just froze in place. 

Steven leaned forward, grabbing onto his head and hiding his face. 

He could use poofing. Preferably falling through the floor and disappearing. Forever. Preferably now. 

"He was like a horsey below me, and he was making silly noises. Is that what a horse sounds like?" She looked at Steven. "Oh and then he made me feel all giggly and warm too with his…" She forgot the word "saliva" momentarily. "...Liquid. So, yeah. The rest of our day was fun." 

"That's great." Connie blurted, before exiting the house in a ridiculous power walk. 

Steven sat up, his eyes wide open, taking in a lungful of air. 

Alright. New plan. He would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hesitate to explain things to Spinel again. 

~ ~ ~ 

The feeling of the water covering their feet as they walked the shore line was new and pleasant to Spinel. That one she liked more. She knew what that was, she felt good about this slow walk on the beach. 

And she felt good about Steven, despite barely making sense of what he was telling her. 

"So let me get this right. What we did is what people do when they're very close. But we did it on accident. And you don't want people to know about it." 

"Yes." Alright, Steven sighed with relief. Part one was done with - Spinel got the idea of what happened. It was time for part two - to explain how he felt about it. And ask how she felt…

"Honestly, I don't care that we did it." Spinel answered before he said anything. "I mean. I don't get it. Just wanted to help you since you looked really hurt, and I'm glad I did. But I don't feel uh… mental weight because of it?" 

"That's great. But, I do feel like… like I should say…" he stopped, and grabbed her hand into his own, "Even if it means nothing to you - I'm sorry. I didn't mean to rush into… things. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was interested in you that way… I wasn't controlling anything. And I mean - it's not that I didn't think how I feel about you. It's just that… it's just that…" 

Steven was trying hard to look for the right words. But they just weren't coming. They just weren't. 

"I don't know." He admitted. He didn't know how to put it that he was in the middle of figuring his feelings out and never meant to rush it. Didn't want to make it sound like he wanted more, or that he would never want more. 

He sincerely didn't know. 

"I don't know..." He repeated. 

He felt Spinel hold onto his hand back. 

"I get it." 

"You do?" 

"No. Not really. And that's how I get that you don't know - I don't know either! But if it would make you feel better to pretend that this never happened - I'll gladly play along." 

Suddenly there was a light in the end of this dark tunnel. Steven didn't even expect that she'd find such a good way out of this awkward situation. He held her hand in his two. 

"Spinel, thank you so much. That'd be ideal. Yeah. Thank you." 

"One question." She sort of interrupted him. 

"Huh?" 

"Is the whole thing sacred, or… the part where we just…" It was her turn to look away shyly, "That part where we… put our lips together… is that also a thing only very very very close people do?" 

"Oh, uhm… well, friends do that sometimes. Like, close platonic friends. It's called kissing." 

"Yeah, can we… canwestilldothatonesometimes?" 

"Yes." Steven whispered as awkwardly as she said her part, blushing with a bright pink colour. 

It wasn't the first time they both shared an awkward moment, and just like before they both soon laughed at it. It always made it feel better - to just laugh at how ridiculous and dramatic things were. Even if they'd circle back to taking things too seriously all the time - that was the beauty of it. 

Before the laughter subdued, Steven reached out to peck Spinel on the cheek with his lips. She seemed to like that, seeing as she returned the favour. There was something warm and fuzzy about this gesture. 

Teenagers, they were teenagers. 

~ ~ ~ 

Connie covered her face when she went back to their secret base at the Little Homeworld, embarrassed of her plan backfiring so drastically. 

"Lemme guess… backfired." Jasper guessed, when she walked into the room.

The human girl sat down and covered her face, just like she saw Steven do a while ago. 

"Alright. New plan. Now we'll do it my way." 

"Don't you get it?" Connie raised her voice out of nowhere, "They're that close! We can't just desperate them…" 

Something akin to conscience started to boil inside of her. 

"Like I said. We go with my plan now. We'll separate 'em."

"Wow, great plan." Came in a salty reply. 

“Na, you don’t get it. We’ll do it more…” Jasper put her fist against her open palm, “Effectively.” 

“Whoa, whoa!” Connie raised her hands up, defensively. “You’re not planning anything violent, are you? We can’t just… kidnap one of them.” 

“Who said we can’t?” The buff gem shrugged, “We can and will. And here’s the plan.” 

“I don’t think I like that plan already. I signed up to this to get my friend back - not to get anyone in danger.” 

“Let me talk, will you? No one’s gonna be in danger, or sad. I got a friendly Aquamarine on Homeworld, who got me all that we’ll need. This plan can’t backfire, and both of us will get what we want.” 

Jasper summoned a weapon from her gem. A weapon Connie recognized, although she barely saw it before… No. No, they were not going to do that. 

Connie stood up, turning to head out. 

“I’m not on board.” 

Before she made it far, Jasper grabbed her up by the shoulder and slammed against the nearby wall. Not hard enough to damage her, but hard enough to get the idea of a threat across. 

“Then I guess I’ll have to tell Steven all about who’s been behind the misfortunes that he’s been facing.”

“You would not!” Connie raised her voice too, her years of practice turning ineffective when she was swordless and rendered immobile by the bigger gem. “You’d have to reveal that you’re behind that too!” 

Jasper laughed at her, 

“So what? I’m not the one who’s got a friendship to lose with the boy.” 

Connie went quiet, suddenly terrified. Oh, what has she gotten herself into? Nothing good. 

“You either fix your friendship or lose it forever. Your choice?” 

A prolonged silence hanged in the air between the two. 

“...What’s the plan?” Connie finally asked in a defeated tone. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Saw you hanging out with Connie yesterday." 

"Spinel, it's not what you think-"

"I won't hesitate… snitch!" 

Spinel held her hands in the shape of a gun. 

"Dude, it's bitch." Amethyst said from behind the recording phone. 

"Golly." Spinel rubbed her eyes, "My bad. Alright, let's take another shot."

"Nah, I gotta move. Have fun, you two." Amethyst hid Pearl's phone back into her gem, and went off. 

"Don't forget to free it of our recordings before you give it back to Pearl!" Steven added as she was going down the stairs, "And don't forget to give it back to Pearl altogether!" 

"Can't hear ya, too far away!" Amethyst "screamed" from the lower part of the stairs. 

"She always forgets it." Steven turned towards Spinel once they were alone. "Say… do you ever feel like we forgot to do something?"

“We had to do something?” Spinel put a finger to her lips, trying hard to remember. “Someone asked us of something or like…” 

“No, something else, but I can’t recall… It’s in the back of my head, uhh…”

“Oh well, if you can’t remember that then it’s probably not importn-”

“The Diamonds!” He blurted out. “We forgot to tell the Diamonds that I found you.” 

“We never did that, huh.”

“Yeah, we probably need to update them on…” 

Steven looked down, at the figure that had appeared in the staircase before them. 

“Oh, uh, hey Connie.” 

“Hey.” Connie waved at them, trying to hide the fact that she was very nervous. 

“You wanted something?” 

“Yeah, I… wanted to… ask you guys to hang out again? Like, give it another shot?” 

“Sounds fine to me.” Spinel commented, understanding that “giving it another chance” was directed at her, considering what happened last time. 

“Then, how about you wait with Connie here, while I update the Diamonds?” 

“Yeah. I'll be fine.” 

The pink gem made her way down the stairs, while Steven went up for a quick video chat. 

Spinel stopped and turned around mid-walk, looking up at the portrait on the wall. That lady… 

“She was… something, yeah?” Connie said from the first floor. She was trying to hear Steven’s footsteps, to determine how far was he. 

“Huh? You knew her?” Spinel asked, making her way down to stand next to Connie, but still looking at the portrait. 

“Yeah, well, who doesn’t? That’s the Rose Quartz.” 

Rose Quartz… The Rose Quartz?... That was ringing a bell in her head, but she just couldn’t put her finger on it. When or where did she hear anything about a notable rose quartz? 

“Yeah, there’s a piece of her sword here too.” Connie said, reaching out to grab it from the shelf and bringing it closer for Spinel’s inspection. 

“It broke when we were fighting Blue Diamond.” 

“You guys fought Blue? Why, did she make you all cry too?” 

“No, well, yes, but…” Connie took the chunk of sword back into her hands, and slowly circled Spinel, “Back then she… wasn’t on our side… yet…” 

“Why?” 

“Because…” Connie gripped the blade, “she didn’t know that Steven was…”

Spinel kept her attention fixated on the painting, feeling… haunted by it. Then she gasped, feeling a sharp blade cut through her form and come out right below her gem. She turned around, startled, as the blade remained impaled through her. Connie was looking just as equally terrified - of herself - and regretful. 

Then there was a poof and a sound of a gem and a sword hitting the ground. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Okay, Spinel, the Diamonds say they're sorry and they want to see you." Steven said, coming down. "Spinel? Connie?" 

He looked around the room, but didn't find anyone. Did they leave without him?

No. Spinel would not leave without clarifying it with him. Something happened. 

Steven rushed back up. 

"I'll call you back. I think I just lost Spinel." 

"Again?" Gasped Blue. 

"Steven," White tried to say quickly, "I think you could use-" 

Steven ended the call before he heard the rest of it. 

He rushed out, with very little idea as to where to look for her, and an understanding that he could not just sit and wait now. 

"Lion!" He called out. 

First thing first, he'll go find Connie. 

~ ~ ~ 

Silence. Dead silence filled the place they were at. It smelled of a rotting… everything. Rotting plants, rotting place, rotting hopes. 

"Is that really?.." 

"Their Garden, yeah." Jasper made her way through. "A playground designed for… my Diamond." 

"It feels sort of… dead in here." 

"It doesn't matter, it'll be fine. Hand her over." 

Jasper reached her hand, and hesitantly, Connie handed her the heart shaped gem. 

The place did seem pretty dead and wilted. Connie didn't like a single second spent there, yet she tried to imagine standing there for 6000 years - alone, quietly, moveless…

She walked, looking around, until she found two footprints in the ground. There were some ripped vines next to it. Did they… grow around Spinel's legs? The human girl tried to imagine… 

She slowly walked backwards from the sight, covering her mouth in fear, until she bumped with her back into Jasper. 

"Watch it." 

"Let's get out of here quicker." 

"You can go, I gotta wait here." 

"I can't activate the warp pad. You're gonna have to take me out of here. Or what, do you want me to be with you two here?" 

"Ugh, fiiine, I'll-" 

Before she finished the sentence, the gem in her hand lit up and floated up, the heart shape turning upside down. 

Connie fell back over, in fear. 

"Here she comes!" Jasper took out the weapon she prepared just for the occasion. She held it up, ready to strike. 

Spinel reformed and jumped down, seeing Connie before she saw anything else. 

"You!!!" She screamed, ready to unhinge herself, but her eyes darted around. 

No, she couldn't be here, no… 

While she froze up, Jasper stroke - the sharp blade of the rejuvenator cutting through her body in one swift stroke. 

"Ah-" 

And she poofed away again. 

Connie crawled back, when her gem fell to the ground once again. 

"Let me go home…" she was starting to cry. 

"Fine, fine, but quickly, she'll reform soon. Now, remember, you saw nothing." 

Jasper went there and back, teleporting Connie away. 

Once back and alone at the Galaxy warp room in Steven's house, Connie curled up and started to cry. 

This felt wrong now. 

~ ~ ~ 

Jasper sat next to the poofed gem, contemplating. Maybe this was rude, maybe this was wrong - but Jasper wasn't the one to care. She saw what she wanted and went for it. She really could not care less for whatever would happen next between the two puny humans. All she cared about was what she wanted. And she wanted to feel good. 

She felt good with Lapis. Lapis was strong, and she liked to take her anger out on her inside their fusion mind space. In her turn, the Jasper loved to absorb it, to be constantly brawled and pushed back, just so she could feel the thrill of fighting back and winning. Or not winning. Both felt good. 

And she loved to be a hunter. She hunted Spinel, and now here she was… 

Jasper took her gem into her hands. She seemed so… fragile. She could probably shatter the gem with her bare hand. Yet once she'll reform - she'll be the one kicking her ass, and she'd be with her all the time…

Whether she wanted it or not. 

Finally, the gem lit up and floated up, this time staying in the position of the upright heart. Other limbs appeared and the gem giggled loudly as she landed on her… squeaky shoes? 

Spinel stopped shining, her appearance becoming clear and… cute. 

Cute? 

It was clear as day. Spinel was baby. 

Jasper blinked twice, then rubbed her eyes for clarity. 

The cute little Spinel looked around, smiling wide. 

"Where's my best friend?" She asked, giggling. 

"Uh… I'm your best friend." 

"Hehehe, no you're not." 

Spinel extended her hand towards her face - 'Oh yes hit me baby-' - and booped her nose gem gently, saying "Boop!" outloud. 

"My best friend is Pink Diamond!" She smiled, looking around happily. She put her hand over her eyes, like she was shielding from the sun.

Then she frowned slightly, and spoke in a sadder tone, holding her hands together. 

"Hmm, why is it… so dark here? Pink likes it when it's bright… and pink…" she looked down, her eyes starting to dart around. 

"Where's Pink?" She asked, growing worried. 

"I, uh- Don't you recognize me? I'm… Pink. I changed my shape." 

"No you're not, you're a Jasper." She whined. 

"How dare, I mean, no! I am Pink, your Diamond.. I'm just being really, really good at play pretending." 

"Really?" Baby Spinel rubbed her eyes, "Are you really really Pink? I don't feel like you're Pink." 

"Yeah, I'm… really good at this. Hey, why don't we… play?" 

"Play? I wanna play games…" 

"Yeah, let's play brawl!" 

“What’s that?” She blinked innocently. 

Jasper glared at her. Something was… up with her. And what was that style? 

“Yeah, it’s when we fight each other! Come on, hit me with your best!” 

“Okie dokie lokie!” 

Spinel spun her fist around, and hit Jasper with all her strength. Or well, booped Jasper. Softly. And made a squeaky toy noise at that. 

Jasper covered her face. Something was wrong. 

“Did I do wrong?” The little baby before her asked. “I never played it before. We usually play…” 

She looked around. Everything was dead around. Spinel walked through the wilted garden further, until she came across two footprints in the ground, and some broken vines splattered around. She reached her hand and picked some up. 

Those things sent shivers down her spine. Suddenly, she didn’t feel all that good. 

“Spinel?” 

She started breathing rapidly, faster every second. The Garden slowly drained of all the light, everything turning black and rotting away, becoming the dust, drifting away… Drifting away… 

She was drifting away. Pink was in the distance, drifting away. Spinel took off and ran after her, 

“Pink! Wait for me! What did I do wrong?!” 

But no matter how fast she ran - Pink slowly walked farther and farther, eventually disappearing in the dark. 

“Pink!” Spinel cried, sitting down on the ground, defeated and reaching her hand out. “What did I do wrong? Come back, I’ll play better…” 

“There’s no one there.” Jasper said, approaching her from behind. “What’s wrong with you?” 

She reached her hand towards the little gem on the ground - but instead of hitting her hand away, Spinel only leaned away, scared for her life. 

“Don’t touch me! You’re not her!” She screamed through her tears. 

“Oh, you don’t wan’ me touching you? Well… then stop me!” 

She reached again, grabbing a tight hold on Spinel’s wrist. 

“Let me go! Let me go!!!” She cried louder. “I wanna go home, I wanna go back, I wanna be with… with…” 

She looked up at the gem who raised a hand to hit her. 

The hand landed down - and bounced back from an expanded rubber limb in its way. Spinel pushed Jasper behind. She was crying, and the tears on her face were leaving behind black trails. 

“I want to go home, to… To…” She held onto her head, trying to remember. 

“Pink… No, no, not Pink, but… something pink…” 

“Argh!” Jasper growled, growing frustrated with the little crying baby. “There’s no one to go back to! Pink’s gone!” 

“Gone?!” Spinel fell to her knees. “Then, who’s…” 

She couldn’t remember, but she knew the feeling she was longing for. Someone… soft. Kind. Someone who made her feel… found. 

Her gem lip up, and some items fell out. 

A bunch of tickets, a bunch of donuts, a toy snake, and… 

His spare pink jacket. 

Spinel picked it up, looking at it. Rubbing her hands at the fabric. 

“Organic… jacket.” 

Jasper was done. She didn’t know what was going on, but she hated it. She just wanted one side of Spinel, not the rest of her, not her sadness or trauma - no other facet of her, just one side that appealed to her. 

She ripped the jacket out of her hands and ripped it apart. 

Spinel watched, as the little shreds rained down, like the shards and bits of a poofed pink gem. 

“Steven?” She asked, with a heartbroken voice. 

She didn’t want to lose Steven. That was her strongest memory. 

Her body lit up, as her gem turned upside down, and the hearts in her hair bled out into pigtails, her bunny ears, her sharp and prolonged horns. 

Jasper got worried, looking at that transformation. She was the Spinel that she wanted now, wasn’t she? 

Spinel finished her transformation, and looked up at her, still crying. 

“...”

“...”

“YOU!!!” 

Spinel launched herself up, extending all her limbs out. She landed with a loud thud that cracked the ground below her feet, then grabbed the nearby floating column and launched it at Jasper. The orange gem managed to close her face just in time, letting the stone break on her elbows. 

“Now we’re talkin’ “ She smiled, summoning up her helmet. 

“What is wrong with you, you, you- You rejuvenated me! In here?!” Spinel extended her fists out and launched at Jasper, knocking her off her feet and giving her a good punch in the face. Her helmet broke on the impact. 

“How dared you!” 

“I love it when you’re mad!” Jasper seemingly wasn’t listening to her at all. 

“What is wrong with you!” Spinel punched her into the former communication hub. “Didn’t seem to “love” me a minute ago, you freak!” 

“A minute ago you weren’t mad.” Jasper calmly clarified, getting back up on her feet. 

“I am more than my damn mood!” 

Spinel grabbed her up by the neck and threw at the warp pad, with such a force that it shattered the teleportation device on impact, leaving Jasper scratched and damaged all over. 

Spinel moved in place - and her leg bumped into a forgotten weapon on the ground. She picked it up and activated it. The rejuvenator’s blade sparkled to life. 

“You loved me, huh?” She said grimly, slowly walking towards the orange gem, “Love takes damn more than loving a single feature of a gem. Sometimes it takes putting up with the sides of them that you don’t love all that much.” 

“That’s stupid. Why would I put up with something I dislike?” 

“For the gem you want to be with. To put an effort - love takes effort and time. Love takes willingness to be with them - through good times and bad times.” 

Spinel loomed above Jasper, her stone cold face illuminated by the scythe in her hands. 

“You don’t know anything about love. But I’m glad to see that...” She raised the weapon in her hands up. 

“Wait!” 

“Makes me see that I’m not the worst gem at it after all.”

Spinel impaled Jasper in the middle of her face, and led the blade down, as if she was cutting her open. 

And then Jasper poofed. 

Spinel grabbed her little gem, hid her rejuvenator away, and summoned something else. She planned to use it on the Crystal Gems when she got on Earth for the first time, but she never got to, with Steven poofing her. 

So she got to use it now. It was a gold casing, that clicked open in her hands. She put Jasper’s gem inside of it, and locked it closed. 

Now she would not be able to reform until the casing would be unlocked. 

Spinel hid her gem away, then she slowly walked over and picked up the toy, the tickets, the donuts, and… 

Well, suppose Steven’s jacket was out of question of being a jacket now. Still she picked the pieces up into her gem. She didn’t want to leave anything behind in here. It was his organic jacket… did it mean that it would grow into something, had it been planted? 

Spinel looked around. The garden was dead, but the soil was still in tact. And the ecosystem was… somewhat renewable. If given enough tending and care… this place could be healed back, just like her heart was. 

But it was time to move. She didn’t want to stay a single second longer in this place filled with the worst memories of her existence. 

Spinel turned towards the warp pad. 

It was shattered. 


	6. The Tools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven searches for Spinel.   
Spinel finds herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might start taking two or more days to update because I want it to be of good quality and quantity for you guys, and it's not the only project I want to write about the two.   
Like I said, the all-smut tale written by me about the two now exists and is posted on here, for those who came here for that type of content from me.

"Was it worth it?" Garnet kneeled down next to the crying human child. 

Wiping her tears away, Connie guessed that she already knew of her deeds, and didn't feel a need to question it or hope that she didn't know the whole story. All she felt now was fear and regret. 

"I didn't want this…" She curled up further, trying to make herself small. 

"Then you should have told him about how you felt. With honesty." 

"I did!" 

"Did you now?" 

Garnet sat down, waiting for the realization to kick in. Connie almost replied that she indeed tried to, but then she remembered how her talk about it went with Steven. 

She was rude about it. She never said what did she have a problem with - she just acted mad about it. Tried to blame it on anything that wasn't her, on Spinel. She never even admitted to herself what truly made her mad, and that pushed her to do all of that. 

"I just… didn't want to lose my best friend…" 

Garnet stayed silent, letting her say more. 

"Maybe you're right… I should have told him honestly what bothered me. Instead I… went to make evil schemes. I was just so mad that she just showed up one day and… took all his attention. She took him from me..." 

"Is that so?" 

Silence fell again. More tears swelled on her eyes and rolled down her heated cheeks, as it caught up to her: Steven loved spending his time with Spinel. There was nothing Connie could have done about it, and nothing that she should have. He was happy. And if she really cared about him - why did she ever decide to make it worse for him? 

"This is so stupid…" she mumbled, turning to face the fusion next to her, "Garnet, is it too late to try and fix it?" 

Garnet adjusted her shades. Then she looked to the other side, hiding that she was smiling about something. 

"Everything depends on what do you say now." 

"Huh?" 

A portal opened in the room, and Steven rode in on the lion. As soon as he registered Connie - he jumped down, and rushed at her. For a second Connie thought that this was going to be just like it used to - he'd run to her and hug her and tell her that he was worried about her. 

But instead of hugging her, although Steven did grab her by her hands on the sides - he only shook her back and forth. 

"What have you done to her? Where's Spinel?" 

Connie lost her focus, crying more while he did that. When the boy saw that she wasn't even catching her breath - he stopped. Right, now wasn't the time to be angry. It was time to find Spinel as soon as he could. He could make it better. He skipped helping Spinel to save the Earth before - he could skip helping Connie to save Spinel now. Priorities. 

Connie held her hands together, trying to find the right words, or any words to use now at all. 

"Steven, I'm so sorry. I should have been honest and… I should have just told you how it was. I was…" 

"Yes, I know." Steven crossed his hands on his chest, "Codependent on Spinel, not noticing anyone around…" 

"That's not what I'm saying. Well, it's what I said before, but…" she looked down, "It's not true." 

Steven's expression softened, he awaited what would she say next. 

"I wasn't caring as much about what you had with Spinel - I don't think I ever got any idea of what do you two have."

"Neither did we." Steven whispered to himself, sadly. 

"I just knew that you started spending all your time with her, and none with me."

"I did try to invite you to a movie." 

"Yeah, I know you did… I missed spending time with just you. And I felt like she was pushing me out of your life. I know maybe it wasn't so - okay, yes, it defnitely wasn't so. But that's how I felt!" She held onto her elbow, looking down. "Left behind." 

"Connie…" 

Steven sounded softer. Now that she actually told him what her problem was - he got the idea. She was his friend, and wanted his friendship, not Spinel's friendship that Steven tried to push her way. 

"I'm sorry. I wish I realized how I made you feel sooner." 

"I didn't even try to make myself very clear either." 

The two stood in front of each other quietly. The silence fell, and they both knew it should have been broken with an "I forgive you", but neither felt like they should have said it first. 

"I'm so sorry." Connie spoke first. "I ended up making a lot of mistakes."

"It's... okay." It wasn't. But there was no reason to dig deeper, and she was not the one to hold a grudge against, "We haven't been friends for years to break our friendship over this… misunderstanding." 

He placed a hand on her shoulder, "I forgive you." 

Connie’s chin trembled as she almost started to cry again. She took his hand and moved it away from her shoulder, looking on the verge of tears. Guilt was eating her from inside out. 

"You shouldn't. You have no idea how far I went." 

"Huh?" 

"I... did something horrible. A lot of horrible things." 

This time Steven waited. Garnet, who was still in the room, nudged Connie by the shoulder. 

"I helped Jasper steal Spinel." 

"Oh… Yikes. Well, if we hurry to wherever they are - we might be in time to save Jasper from her." Steven joked, feeling easier as he thought that she was safe and found again. 

Garnet shook her head, smiling. 

"And we rejuvenated her." 

"What?!" 

This time the boy held onto his head, his security for her ripping in shreds before him. 

"I didn't want to, but she threatened me. It- it was going to be just a few attempts at breaking you two up, but then…"

"What? Connie, what the hell?"

"But then she threatened me and-" 

"She threatened you how exactly? You've taken on her before, you could defeat her at any time!" 

"No, she threatened to tell you that I set up the whole mall thing and the cake and-"

" _ Connie… _ " Deep betrayal, disappointment, and sudden embarrassment all together were visible on Steven’s face at once, although they quickly made way for the anger. 

"I'd lose you if she told you!" 

"And you think you'll have me now?!" Steven screamed before he thought on those words, stomping his foot at her. 

He wanted to be mad, right now he just wanted to be mad, with no forgiveness in sight in his heart. He could almost relate to Spinel's anger when he first met her. 

But somewhere deep, very deep inside - he knew it wouldn't be the thing that their friendship wouldn't work through. 

"Just tell me where they are. Connie, please." He said, covering his face. 

'That could have played out better', thought Garnet. 

"I'm sorry. I… they're in the garden. Steven-" 

He pushed her aside, walking up on the galaxy warp. 

But it didn't activate. 

"Huh? Garnet, why isn't it working, are my powers off again?" 

"Your powers are fine. The Garden is closed off."

"What? But then they could be anywhere! We have to find them. How in a world…" 

"Steven-"

"Not now Connie." 

"But I might know where they are, or someone who knows where they are. I want to help now, I promise." 

"Then tell us. Tell us who knows where they are!"

"Jasper mentioned an Aquamarine on Homeworld getting her a rejuvenator. That might be a clue." 

"Then let's go to Homeworld, quick." 

"Get Amethyst and Pearl." Garnet told Connie, before she joined Steven on the warp pad. 

After they warped away, Connie still stood in the room for a while, silently looking at an empty warp pad. She reached her hand, when there was no one to reach it for. 

Was she going to lose him forever? 

In her mind she was starting to believe she deserved it. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Pink?" 

Steven turned around, reacting with curiosity as to who could have been referred to as Pink. 

Pink Pearl stood behind him, looking concerned. Right. She was still… half way there on accepting that Pink was gone. 

"Just Steven. Sorry, Pip." Steven said, as if it was his fault that she was gone. 

He didn't think that was so, but he did feel sorry for her, just like for any of "Pink's lost treasures". 

She looked down. As if there could have been a different reply. Yet every day she… hoped for it. 

"Where is Spinel?" Pip asked. 

"That's what I want to know."

"You've lost her again?" 

"She got stolen… but I'm looking for her. I'll find her again."

"Maybe you should look in your Garden." 

"Mom's Garden, Pip. And… I don't think she's there. It's blocked off." 

"Steven!" Garnet called over, as the Diamonds entered the room. 

By that time, Pearl, Amethyst, and Connie caught up. 

"Blue. Yellow. White. We've lost Spinel again." 

"How did it happen?" Cried Blue, putting her hands to her mouth in worry. 

"It's…" Steven glanced back at Connie, "We're not sure. But it might have to do with the war gems." 

"Steven, I think you should-" Started White. 

"War gems?" Gasped Yellow, interrupting her. 

"Yes, those gems who aren't happy that the war and colonization ended. Like Aquamarine, Emerald, Eyeball…"

"Steven. You really should-" White started again. 

"What “eyeball”?" Blue raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh, it's a Ruby with a gem on her eye. She used to… dislike me. Pretty much like everyone back then." 

"Steven. Can you just-" White attempted again, slowly growing furious. 

"We'll shatter… I mean, we'll get her for it!" Yellow closed her fists. 

"No! Don't shatter or hurt anyone for disliking me! There's nothing wrong with it, it's not like they attack me. … And even when they attack me - it's usually a misunderstanding. Come on, that's exactly how Spinel got on Earth! And now she's my friend, and she’s…" he almost said she was gone, "She's… lost again. And I have no idea where to look for her, the garden is blocked off, Jasper is gone, Aquamarine isn't here, my best friend turned against me, my, my…" 

Steven trailed off topic in his frantic worry, his breathing becoming faster. 

The Crystal Gems in the room rushed to try and calm him down. 

White was done. White looked done, and she was very much done. She shined up - almost blinding everyone in the room - and changed her shape. Or rather just the size, as she shrunk down to about an Opal's size, and walked closer to Steven. The Crystal gems stepped back, Pearl being the last one to retreat, as White sat down on the floor next to the boy, and reached a hand that she placed on his forehead. 

Steven's breathing slowly evened, and he lowered the hands that he was gripping his hair with a minute ago, now looking up at her a little more calm. 

"Steven. You can check where she is. You have the power to it." She finally finished her sentence. Now that she was whispering softly - he heard her better. "I don't know how you keep forgetting - we try to visit you in your dreams any time you sleep here, how do you even let that fly out of your head?"

Steven blinked at her, astonished. He wasn't used to this somewhat maternal side of her yet. He probably never would be. 

White shined again, returning to her natural size. 

"Right, I can just… check on her. Right. Thank you White. Sorry." 

She only smiled in reply and nodded. 

Steven sat down, crossing his legs and putting his hands together, as if he was about to meditate. He got a much better grip on this power of his over the years. Now he didn't need to sleep for it to work - only needed to concentrate, concentrate, and… 

~ 

Wake up! 

Spinel shot up from his place. He looked around, warily. 

The Garden. He was in the Garden. 

Spinel looked down on his arms. Those rubber arms stretched and made balloon noises. 

"Is that how she feels all the time?" 

So he was in the Garden. 

Whole. 

Safe. 

Good. 

No longer rejuvenated. Or not rejuvenated yet. 

But he was safe is the thing. 

Why wasn't he teleporting away? 

Spinel looked at the warp pad, or rather what was left of it. 

Oh. 

It was shattered.

Well, that explains it. 

So they would have to get there by other means, alright. They can do that. 

He probably should have left her a note. So she would know he's coming for her. 

But how? 

Spinel didn't read English. 

Steven didn't write Gem language (not all too well yet anyways). 

But he did know how to spell four words. 

Spinel sat down on his knees and started to draw in the soil...

The soil was wet. 

Spinel placed a hand on his cheek - there were recent tears. 

He had to be fast. 

Spinel drew with his hand in the mud - one diamond separated into 4 equal pieces, and drew a line on the top one. 

"Pink Diamond." 

And the second he was done - he realised it may not have been such a great idea to spell out. 

So he drew more, circle, circle, circles, more circles, few lines… 

He wasn't a professional artist yet. But he could draw his own face decently. 

Done with it, it looked pretty decent. 

Spinel smiled softly. 

"Hold on tight. We're coming." He whispered to himself.

The he collapsed down… 

~ 

Steven shot up. 

"I found her. She's in the garden, but the warp pad is broken. Can we get there by others means." 

"We should have the coordinates saved. You can take a ruby ship." 

"I'll drive it." Volunteered Pearl. "I know where it is. I've flown there before, when Pink would…" she mumbled the next part quieter, "Lock the warp to avoid seeing me." 

So it was decided. Steven and Pearl rushed to the warp pad - to the docks area. Connie tried to follow them. 

"Steven?"

"Connie." He cut her off in a firm tone, turning around to face her for a single phrase, "I can't talk to you right now."

He carried out with Pearl. The boy hoped he was clear enough to show Connie that he wasn't trying to cut her out of his life completely, but he couldn't be all buddy-buddy with her right now either. 

~ ~ ~ 

Rising up, Spinel rubbed the back of her head, with very little idea of what just happened. Did she faint because of a panic attack? 

She looked down, noting something smudged in the wet soil. It resembled the Diamonds insignia, and something resembling Steven's face was nearby. Spinel rubbed the dirt she smeared off her face, still confused. 

Then things slowly flooded back to her. She was stuck, alone, left behind, in the Garden again. The worst place, where most of her existence went by, as she stood silently every day, questioning if she was doing something wrong, or asking herself if she already did something irreparable, and that's why Pink left. She didn't feel the same now, but it didn't stop her from worrying. 

It was all coming back. Spinel crossed her hands and held herself, whispering through her sobbing, 

"Stop, don't fall, don't fall…" 

The ground was opening up and the vines were inching closer. 

She creamed, trying to fend it off. 

Then her eyes shot wide open, as something occurred to her. A minute ago she was fighting Jasper. And when she did that… she wasn't thinking of the fact that she was in the Garden, and hence wasn't having a panic attack. 

With immense effort, Spinel willed herself to even her breathing. It didn't quite work, but it stopped getting worse. Good. That was progress. The tiniest bits were a viable progress. 

"It's alriiight, I don't have to… feel this way…" she spoke to herself. 

It wasn't convincing enough. But she didn't give up. 

"I wasn't crying a minute ago. I wasn't thinking of it. I wasn't registering that I was here…" 

She looked around. Alright, so be it that it was the Garden. Awful place. But she was herself - her new self. She was crying, sure, but she was strong and safe. 

Alone… 

But safe. In tact. Not damaged. 

So there was hope. Or rather, a technical possibility for her to be saved. 

Steven found her here once. He would do that again. 

Steven… 

Her breathing unbalanced again. She held herself tighter. 

"No, no… it's alright… I can do this... I should just… stop focusing on the things that make me feel this way…" 

It wasn't working. 

"No… no, that's wrong. That's not "just". It's more than that. I have problems. They are not going to be solved or fixed in one day…" she took a deep breath, which she hiccuped during, and mentally willed herself to say the right thing. 

"And that's okay. ...Healing is never easy. But however long it will take… however long… I'll get there." 

She hissed, shaking in her own hold. 

"I'll get there!" She cried, saying it louder and louder. 

"I'll get there! Eventually! I'll be fine, I'll be stronger! I'll feel found! I'll get there, I'll get there someday! For Steven! ...For me!!" 

She let her arms go, and hit the ground, letting a surge of her energy out. 

"I'll get there!!!"

The phrase exploded out of her, leaving her feeling like her worries became a deflating balloon inside of her, along with her strength. 

Then her breathing started to even out, the hiccups and sobs becoming lesser and lesser. 

"I'm here." She kept going. It felt easier when she was talking. Less focused on everything else. "No matter what, I'm here. I'm safe. I don't have to fight for my life right now. Do I?" 

She glanced around, perfectly aware that she was alone, but humouring herself. 

"Hello? … Hmm. No, just me here. So I'm safe." 

The last bit came out so naturally that she had to double take herself. 

“I’m safe.” 

She sat up, placing her hands on her knees. 

“I’m safe.” 

She got up, stretching (like a human) and wiping her tears. 

“I’m safe…” 

Despite everything that happened up to this point, she managed to make herself smile and laugh ever so faintly. 

“Look at yourself, Spin. Figured it all out, even without Steven leading you like an overcooked gem by the hand into it.” She looked down at her hands, folding them into her fists. “I’m safe. I’ll make sure I’ll always be.”

She glanced around, starting to measure if she could potentially launch herself to any sort of a bypassing alien ship, or repair the communication hub somehow, or find any other way out of here. 

She was not giving up. She was ready for actions. 

“I do miss Steven though. Wish I was with him sooner…” 

And no sooner than she said that, she heard a whirling come from somewhere above. The pink gem got lower, trying to find the source of the noise - and soon enough saw the red ship approaching the Garden. 

She giggled. There she was, found again. 

She stayed in place, watching happily, as the ship landed, and Steven exited it, calling out for her. It didn’t take long before he spotted her in the distance and ran towards her, smiling wide. Spinel opened her arms and caught him when he jumped at her, spinning him around happily. 

Finally she put him down, holding onto him carefully. Steven held her face in his hands. Both of them were laughing, the words “I’ve missed you” and “I was worried” hanged in the air for them. Both knew that was there. Both didn’t even feel the need to say it. When their laughter momentarily subdued, they hugged tightly, Spinel let her hands come a few loops around Steven. She couldn’t wait to tell him how well she did, but on another hand she really wouldn’t mind if their embrace lasted for 6000 more years. 

She felt warm from the inside, without even kissing him - just from his presence. 

And Steven… he finally realized he had something to tell her. After losing her twice - he finally knew why he could never find peace if he didn’t know that she was alright. Even if she was away from him - he just always wanted to know that she was safe and was doing well and was happy, and he wanted to tell her… 

There was a single four letter word for this feeling. 

His eyes were shining with happiness. 

“Spinel… I want to tell you…”

“I missed you too, Steven.” She smiled back. That’s what he’s after, the smile on her face, the sound of her laughter, “Hehehe, I knew you would find me. I believed.”

“I did. And… oh, did you see my message?” 

“Huh?” 

“I drew for you in the dirt.” 

“You did… How’d?... Oh, you mean that. Well, I did have my eyes on it, you could say…” 

Spinel looked to the side, giggling. 

“Huh?”

“I kinda smeared it with my face.” She laughed, looking at him softly. 

He laughed back, not even in the slightest caring that her hands were coiled around him like a snake. He already loved it. 

“I’ll help you wash your face when we’re back home… and then I’ll cuff myself to you so you’re not going anywhere anymore!” He laughed. 

“Hehehe, I’ll be fine with that.” Spinel joked back, not really joking about it. “Ah. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” 

Pearl watched the two from a distance. She hugged herself, then wiped a single tear that ran down her cheek and to her trembling chin. She slowly retreated back to the ship. 

Steven remembered what he meant to tell her. Right. It was time. He would be the one to do it. And he would hope for the best. 

“Spinel.”

“Yes?” 

“Could you uncoil - for a minute, I just need to do something. I won’t let your hand go.” 

She trusted him, reeling her arms back. When he was free again, he sat down on one knee before her, reaching to hold her hand, like he had done before. 

“Hehe, Steven, what are you doing?”

“Spinel, I really want to tell you. I’ve thought about it - about it all, about you, about us - for a long time now. I think I finally figured it out. I…” He blushed, “Spinel, I lo-” 

A sudden gust of wind interrupted their moment, and drowned out Steven’s last words.

The two stood up and looked to the sky, seeing the spaceship that Steven just got there on - take off and fly away, leaving the two behind. 

Trapped in the Garden again. 

~ ~ ~ 

The ship landed back on Earth, right next to the temple house. Pearl exited it and stormed off, towards the temple, wiping her tears away as she was mad. 

“Why’d you do that?” Garnet asked, seemingly appearing behind her out of nowhere. 

She looked at Garnet for a second, but turned away fast, raising her shoulders up. Pearl couldn’t reply, couldn’t admit it to Garnet, or to herself. 

Garnet came closer, and the pearl expected that she’d tug her to go back and retrieve the two up. But instead the fusion hugger her tightly. 

“I get it.” She said. 

Pearl wasn’t moving, shocked. The given comfort slowly started to spread through her, softening her. She lowered her head on Garnet’s shoulder and hugged back. 

“It’s just that…” Pearl began, “He grew up so fast. I guess I… thought I would always be responsible for him. Not because of his gem. Because of me.” 

She leaned back to look Garnet in the eyes, 

“Because I chose to raise him and love him like a son, on my own, I chose to be there for him… even though not at first. But it grew to be my choice. And then…” 

She stepped back, clenching her fists. 

“And then one day Pink’s lost toy came over and…” 

“Stole him.” 

“No, goodness, of course she didn’t!”

“But you feel like she did.” 

“Ugh!” Pearl covered her face. 

“I understand. Steven has been a son to all three of us.” She stepped closer, placing a hand on Pearl’s shoulder, “But he’s grown up. He’s got more than us in his life now. It’s time to let him go.” 

Pearl hesitated to accept that. That would make it a second pink diamond who’d toss her aside as he’d grow out of needing the role she played in his life. 

“He won’t ever toss you aside or forget you. He’ll never stop loving any of us. And you know it.” Came reassuringly. 

Birds flew above the two, voicing their calls and heading towards the ocean, seemingly following the setting sun as it gently let the night cover the land with her soft blanket of darkness. Here on the beach, the little pearl finally faced that a child she raised had grown up, ready to spread his wings and fly out of their family nest. 

But just like Garnet said, he’d never forget his home. He’d always have a special place in his heart for all of them. That’s the Steven that they raised. A pink diamond that cared about others. 

Pearl wiped her tears away, smiling. 

“You’re right. Let’s go get them back.” 

“Get whom back?” Amethyst asked, approaching the two, with her hands behind her head. 

“I left Steven and Spinel trapped in the Garden with a broken warp pad.” Pearl shrugged easily. 

“Haha cool beans- wait you _WHAT_ _ ?!” _


	7. The Gardener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things normalize... or do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, finally a 5k chapter again. That's my goal number.

“They must be here, right? Pi, I can’t believe you’d do that!” 

“It’s in the past now. We’re here to pick them up safely.”

“Thank you Garnet, at least someone in here knows when not to hold grudges. … After all, I wasn't going to leave them here forever. I'd come pick them up later.” Pearl glared at Amethyst. 

Amethyst glared back, puffing her cheeks to show that she was “offended”. Then she stuck her tongue out, laughing. 

“Haha, bet you just gave them even more alone together time. Wonder what they did while we were gone.” 

The ship that the three piloted finally landed back in the Garden. But Steven and Spinel were not in sight. 

Instead, something heavy seemingly jumped onto the ship from above, and by the sound of it - crawled towards the opening entrance. 

The Crystal Gems retrieved their weapons and pointed them at the entrance, ready to strike… 

~ ~ ~ 

The ship took off, and the two stayed behind. 

“Pearl!?” Steven fell to his knees, gripping the ground and looking up at the disappearing ship. 

“Well, that’s a tad out of her usual self.” Spinel said, coming closer to him with her hands behind her back. 

“Why’d she do that, oh my gosh, doesn’t she know that…? Of course she knows, why would she...” Steven grabbed onto his head. 

“Knows what?” 

“I- I’m not like the normal gems, I can’t survive in space for a long time.” 

“We’re not really in space.” 

“But we’re away from any… things for humans, and who knows when will she be coming back? What if she won’t be coming back? What if, what if…?”

Spinel had to take a double take. Could it be that this time Steven was… panicking? 

She sat down next to him, deep in her own thoughts. Watching, as the boy tug on his hair and mumbled something beyond comprehension. This time it was his breathing that grew rapid and ragged, as he was struggling to keep himself together. 

"She's never coming back, she's never coming back…" he kept repeating. 

That wasn't true. That couldn't be further from truth. Spinel scratched her head, her previously lowered pigtails raising up one by one in curiosity. Steven's fears were so irrational - is that what panic looked like on the side? Is that what Spinel looked like when she had hers? 

Surprised. Watching someone have a panic attack wasn't as embarrassing as she thought it was when she had her own. Sometimes she worried about the way people thought of her when they'd witness her have one of those, especially Steven. She imagined that people thought she was "cringy" to look at, even though no one used that word by its true meaning anymore. That she was ridiculous, maybe. 

And truly, now looking at it from the side view, she could see that the things Steven worried about - weren't real, ridiculously weren't real. But… it didn't make her judge him. Nothing could never. It made her want to help him and… 

Huh. 

What was that feeling? She wanted to bring him closer and to hold him and calm him down… but it was him who usually did that to her? What was that feeling? 

Spinel's eyes darted around, as she tried to comprehend the ideas and desires that suddenly appeared in her, and only grew stronger. 

Was it just her being loyal to _ a _pink diamond? Her desire to serve and make happy? No, it wasn't that. She wanted to do something drastically different. 

Something drastically different from her whole life. She wanted to hold him and tell him that he was going to be okay, and she would make sure it would stay that way. She wanted to… 

Protect. 

Suddenly it all clicked together. Her hair straightened out and shortened, as she thought... 

Back when they did what Steven asked her to forget. He put her in charge, he let her be the stronger one and lead things. 

And she ** _loved it._ **

It was like in her rage, but no one hated her for it when she set down the rules of the games to play and won them in her own way. 

Spinel smiled, looking past crying Steven. 

Of course. Now it all made sense. That's what she wanted to do. That's what she would do to finally break free of everything that tried to take control over her and hold her up to certain expectations… 

She would be ** _Protective._ **

She will stand strong for what she wants: For Steven in her life, for her mental health, and for her right to make decisions and set her own boundaries of comfort.

She looked at Steven, that weak poor crying child before her. 

She would protect him. And she would treat him better. She would keep him her own, and no one will ever take him from her. And she will keep him safe. Her own, and _ safe _. Forever. 

And everything will be just perfect. 

Her eyes turned into familiar spirals at the thoughts of it all. 

"Steven." She said ever so softly, reaching her hand towards him. 

She held it in his field of vision until he registered her presence. Then she extended it further, placing her hand over his own and letting her fingers make their ways between his own. She hooked his palm and slowly made it unclench his hair and move down. She did the same with the other one. 

"Steven. We'll be fine. I promise to you." She spoke in a whisper, moving both of his hands into her own, and reaching to rustle his hair, ever so softly. She pet his head, letting her hand's path start at the top of his forehead, travel down the back of his head, and down his spine before she circled back. 

“How- how can you know?” He asked, weakly. 

“I may not know how. But we will be okay. I will make sure you’ll be okay. You need food, right? Lookie.” 

She summoned up one of her stored donuts. 

“There. This buys us some time, yes?” She reached it for him. 

Somehow, in this situation, the sight of this stored pastry made Steven feel… easier. For the weirdest of reasons. Not just because he thought it was his salvation, but because… she was just so in time with it. 

Spinel was just there with him, and somewhere deep inside he knew he was having irrational fears about their situation. And suddenly she made it better. With no judgement or looking down at him. Just with care. 

He took her offering with both his hands carefully. 

“There you go” She patted his cheek, “See? I’ve got this.” 

She brought him closer. Her limbs extended out - she was taller than him once again, almost cradling him into her hold, as her hands coiled around his back. Shielding him. 

“And I’ve got you. I’ll keep you safe and sound.” 

It was now that Steven noted that her eyes had spiral shapes again. But other than that - she seemed normal. Well, this-Spinel-normal. She was calm. Strong. Determined. So he didn’t give it a second guess, biting into her comfort food. It was sweet... 

Actually, he probably should have saved it. 

He sat up and reached it for her to deposit back, as she did, uncoiling her hands back. It was pretty romantic that she quite literally kept things that reminded her of Steven inside of her heart. Did she know about the symbolism of it, he wondered. 

“Thanks Spinel. You’re right. We can’t give up now.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking shy, “I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I just… had a down moment.” 

“Hey, that’s fine. That’s all that I’ve been doing for past days.” She smiled at him. “But I’m better now.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I was meaning to tell you. Just before you came here - I handled a panic attack all on my own. I stopped it.” 

“Really?” He gasped, putting his hands to his face. His eyes gained star shapes inside of them, “Spinel, that’s so amazing!” 

“I know. So I think I’ve got this figured out. Well, not all at once and forever… but I feel like I have a better grip on myself now. I know it's possible now...” She reached for his hand. “I won’t break easily again.” 

Steven leaned closer to her, letting their foreheads touch carefully, while both closed their eyes, content together again. 

"That's a good plan. Just… don't be sad if it…"

"Won't work out as well as I expect it. I know. I have a lot to work on. Of course there will be more falls… but I'll face them, and come out alive. For you." 

They haven't parted hands. And each could feel the other's breathing so close by, Steven's one was warmer. He actually had lungs. 

It was that special comfort that they shared. Only two of them. There was a sense of security when they laughed over things together, taking everything easy and not always knowing what to do to make it right. But moments like those - when both were high on sentimentality and could simply look at each other lovingly for hours - is what made them know that there was more to their connection, than just a strong friendship. 

_ I always thought I might be bad _

_ Now I'm sure that it's true _

“I’m not afraid to fall if you’ll be by my side.” 

“You can count on me to catch you, always. 

_ 'cause I think you're so good _

_ And I'm nothing like you _

“And you can count on me to go through any weather with you.” 

“And you should know that I’ll always be on your side.” 

_ Look at you go _

_ I just adore you _

_ I wish that I knew _

“I love you, Steven.” 

_ What makes you think I'm so special. _

Steven forgot how to breath for a second. Despite being ready to tell her the same words a minute ago - he didn’t expect that she’d not only reply positively, but voice them first. He only blushed as she spoke on. 

“It’s been on my mind for a while now. And I… get if you tell me that I’m not... “ Not good enough, “Not healed enough to “be in love” with you - or anyone - yet. But… that’s what I feel about you. That’s how you make me feel.” She took his hand into her hold. “You make me feel calm and give me a sense of having a place where I belong. Like having home. And when it gets rough on me - you’re the one pulling me out of the grasp of all the problems I’m facing. You never let me drown…” 

Then something changed, like a click of a switch. She let go of his hand, quickly. Her hair went down. 

“What am I saying? I, I don’t want to make it sound like I, like I- It’s not because of the things you do for me. It’s because of you. Because I always want to see you happy and- and make you happy if I can. By my own decision, not because... I just- I just-” 

She felt like she was spiraling. Did she rush it? Did she ruin it? Was it too soon? Was she not good enough, has she not worked through enough yet to be with him? 

Was she not good enough? 

“I get it.” Steven reached out, waiting for her give him her hand back. Reluctantly, and scared, she let him hold it again. “It is called love. And… I was going to tell you... That I love you too.” 

“...Are you joking?” Was he pitying her? 

“No, I’m not joking. Spinel, that’s what I’ve realised too, over time. When I watched you smile and it made me feel warm inside. I don’t think anything wrong of it, really. I…” 

Why was he blushing, why was he shy, she just told him the same thing. 

“I want to be with you too.” 

Too? Was he sure that she wanted to be with him? 

“But Steven… I’m not good enough.” Somehow Spinel willed herself to voice her worst concern, rather than say “yes” and never tell Steven that it would slowly rot her from inside each day as one of her endless doubts. 

“There’s no “good enough.” We’re both imperfect. No one is really perfect all the way, or always makes the right decisions… But I don’t think you’re bad at all. And- and maybe I’m the one making a mistake here, maybe you’re really not… in the best place to be dating right now.” 

“I don’t think I am either.”

“But I do want to be with you.”

“I want to be with you too.” 

And nothing else had to be said. They knew it wasn’t perfect. They knew it as rushed. They knew it was sloppy and awkward like a first kiss or a child’s first steps. They knew there was more to it, and yet it was so simple. Love was in the air and between the two. That pure, devine feeling of wanting to see each other smiling and laughing, of wanting to hold hands and never let go, and tell each other of everything they ever knew. 

Steven leaned closer first, waiting for a reaction. Spinel approved of what he went for, and leaned forth to accept a kiss from him. This strange human thing that she has grown to love as it made her feel all tingly and warm inside. 

And it made her feel warm now. And it made Steven feel warm. At that moment, both of them felt an immense amount of trust for each other, and… 

~ ~ ~ 

The mysterious thing crawled on top of the ruby ship, inching closer to the opening entrance of it. 

The Crystal Gems summoner their weapons, ready to fight whatever came their way and probably took away the two they came here to retrieve. 

Something appeared from above the entrance in a flash- 

"Surprise! Ahaha!" 

A friendly face looked at them upside down, holding onto the ship as it giggled with its sudden appearance. Then the person it belonged to jumped up, did a flip and landed in front of the ship, straightening up just to bounce up and down happily. 

The Gems held their weapon down momentarily, approaching closer. 

The thing before them looked like a gem. It had curly magenta hair. It was about the size of a garnet. Pinkish hands popped out of a two parted velvet body, blue jeansed legs kept it up, and two pairs of eyes stared at the gems happily. 

"Hi! Hello, hi! I'm so excited to meet you!" The unknown gem giggled, then used its rubber limbs to move next to each gem as it spoke. 

"You must be Amethyst, the cute little rascal, so fun to have around!" They rustled her hair, jumping off,

"You must be Garnet, a walking symbol of true kinda love!" they posed, making a heart shape with their hands and pointing at her proudly, 

"And Pearl. The mom, the legend, the bird. The one who's grown so much! Go you!" 

The gem run its hands around her to bring her closer for a hug, quickly making the other two join in, then it laughed more as it stood before them, hands uncoiled and swinging around happily, as they swayed in place. 

"It can't be…" Pearl said, finally looking closer and noticing two gems on the front of the stranger's body. There were two gems. A pink diamond and a spinel. 

"But it can be, and it is!" The fusion threw its hands up in the air happily, "I'm Pink Calcite, your new best friend and mental support! And I hope you stay hydrated and remember to sit straight if you gotta!"

"We don't need to drink…" Glared Pearl. 

"And we ain't sitting." Frowned Amethyst. 

"No, but they might be." Pink Calcite winked, looking in the direction you've imagined seeing them from. 

"I like this gem." Garnet smiled, putting her hands on her hips. "Now _ that's _an experience." 

"Yay! I'm an experience! That's so about me! Ooh, can you tell me more about me? You're so amazing!" 

Calcite bounced up and down with a wide smile on their face, giggling occasionally. They were so excited. Excited to exist, to feel loved from somewhere within and just happy to be. They held their hands together - somehow it made them feel even better. As if they were holding someone special. They just wanted to sing and dance - sing and dance about helping others and being kind. 

"I see you being excited to come home with us, and looking around the house." 

"A house!? Wowie! I've never seen a house." 

"And I see…" A frown painted her face momentarily, as Garnet glanced at Amethyst. But she said nothing about it. "And I see you being happy." 

"That's so true, I am happy! Soooooo what's a house? Can you eat it? I'd love to eat donuts… are there donut houses? The ones that taste like house?"

~ 

"There sure are the ones that taste like home." 

"I heard that, Spinel." 

~ 

"Hehehe, let's go, let's go!" 

Pink Calcite sang on their way to the ship, talking all about the qualities and growth that they loved about the gems and were so proud of them for. It was nice for the first 14 and a half minutes. 

"This one is nothing like Stevonnie." Garnet told Pearl while the fusion listed to Amethyst all the fun games that can be played in a garden. 

"How so? They both have good amounts of limbs." 

"But they're not the same. Stevonnie was the experience of two kids having fun. But Pink Calcite is the fusion of love and cherishment." 

"You can tell that just by looking at them once?" 

"I can tell that by the way they look at themselves. Just look for yourself." 

Pearl watched. Every so often, Calcite hold their own hands, or pet their own hair, or would seemingly giggle and be happy about… existing. They radiated happiness in every inch. A sweet little lollipop rock. 

One thing certain about Pink Calcite - they really couldn't stand idly in place. As soon as the ship landed at home - they shot out of the ship and rolled over to the beach house, gasping and holding their hands in adoration, sticking one leg up behind. 

"A brand new place to play!" They laughed, entering and stretching around inside the building to look at everything at once. Both pairs of eyes darted in different directions. They inspected the whole lower room, even shapeshifting their size to see behind the shelves and other previously hardly accessible locations. 

Then finally they settled next to the other Crystal Gems. 

"I love it so much in here! We're going to have so much fun together, I can't wait to explore and play games and cheer and be happy and sing and dance and-" 

The gems suddenly turned their body around, while their legs kept facing the other way, hearing someone open the door. 

"A new friend! Hello! I'm-"

They froze. 

Standing at the entrance, Connie froze as well, trying to understand if she was seeing what she thought she was seeing at first glance. Was that…? 

The perpetually happy expression on the fusion's face was replaced by shock, fear, and anger in the matter of seconds. And then it poofed, sending two smaller gems flying in different directions and landing on the floor. 

Spinel got up first, rubbing her head and getting her fists up and ready to strike. But before she could get at Connie - Steven got in her way, reaching his hands out to stop her in her track. 

"Get out of my way." 

"I know what you're thinking, Spinel. But I want you to hear a few things before you do anything. Don't hurt Connie, she's my friend!" 

"_ Don't tell me what to do, Steven Universe. _"

She said through her gritted teeth. 

Steven was taken aback by that tone, but didn't find it to be a matter for a worry. Yet instead of opposing, he strangely chose to submit to her will. 

He lowered his hands, looking as if he was asking for a hug now, rather than blocking her off, although he still stood in a way to block Spinel from advancing. 

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm asking you - please don't hurt my friend. That will make me upset." 

"How can you call her - your friend, after all that she's put me through?!" Spinel roared with rising intensity. 

Connie wondered that too. Steven didn't want to talk to her at all - why was he shielding her now? Didn't he think she deserves it? She sure thought so.

"She was confused with her feelings and made a lot of mistakes because of that." 

"That's not cutting it for me." 

"Spinel. I'm asking you. Listen to me." He almost begged, although he could have stomped his feet and raise his voice instead. "Just hear her out, and you can chose to hate her if you want. But please don't hurt her. Don't make mistakes you won't be able to fix." 

The fists that shook in the air a moment ago slowly deflated back down to normal palms, as Spinel lowered her hands and spiked hair. 

"Alright. Just for you." She whispered, taking a calm step towards the human girl. 

"Spinel? I don't even know where to begin…" 

"Not here."

"Huh?"

"Don't begin here, Connie." Spinel explained, going up the stairs, "I want to have a more… private talk with you."

Steven put his hands at his hips at her, but Spinel merely shrugged, replying, "I'll be fine, and no one will get hurt this time." 

"True." Confirmed Garnet. 

Connie followed her, feeling as if something about Spinel was off, but she couldn't put her finger on it. They passed by Steven's room, and Spinel took her all the way to the last flight of the open stairs, with a view of a seemingly endless ocean. It was getting dark. 

She turned around, finally showing her what was off exactly - her eyes were spiraled again, and that accompanied by the enlarged and sticking up hair - wasn't a good combination. But Connie didn't read Spinel like Steven did, so she didn't know it all.

Taking in a deep breath and gathering her thoughts, Connie started… 

"Spinel. I'm so sorry. I did a lot of things wrong to you and I understand that I can't even hope for your forgiveness. I just want you to know how deeply I regret-"

"I don't give a fuck." 

The human looked at her, startled. 

"I don't. Give. A fuck." Spinel repeated the line that she had picked up from Amethyst earlier, now slower in case Connie didn’t get it the first time. Her shoulder spikes raised up as her fists clenched. She was speaking lowly, in a slow whisper, 

"You pushed me over for the last time, Connie Maheswaran." 

Before the girl could react - Spinel grabbed her face with her palm, tying her fingers around the whole head and covering Connie's mouth with the solid part. Then she whipped her hand towards the ocean - off the stairs - and fixated it in place, holding Connie above the lethal height pit by her head alone. The girl had to hold onto Spinel's hand for any sort of support, and a horrible realisation that she could not scream for help downed on her. 

"You know, back in Garden I kept myself together fueled by a single desire - to drop you off the height like that and see you splatter on the ground into a little puddle of blood and broken bones. And I would do so…"

She let her hand loose, while still keeping her palm in place - letting Connie fall the whole distance down. She was screaming through the gag, but it was muffled out from being heard by anyone. Just before she hid the ground - Spinel's arm came to motion again and coiled around her body, saving her and quickly reeling her back up to hang in front of Spinel again, still with no stairs below her feet. 

"But Steven would be too saddened by your death for my liking. And I plan to be happy with him… So I will make do with you telling him that drowned by your guilt, you no longer want to be friends with him, or me, ever again."

She inched the girl closer, whispering even quieter, "And if I continue to see you around him - _ no one will find your bones when I'm done with you. _" 

Connie was beyond terrified for her life, a chill ran down her spine as a single thought flashed in her mind, 

'_ I pushed her to this. _'

She tried to motion nodding, although it was hard with her head kept in place. But Spinel noted it. She came few steps lower and threw Connie over at Steven's bed, letting her head go finally and reeling her hand back in place. 

Connie coughed, catching her breath. 

"Is everything alright, you guys?!" Came in a shout from the floor below.

"Everything's alright, Stevie." Spinel instantly replied in her sweetest voice, smiling momentarily before her face became enraged at Connie again. 

"You- you can't keep him all to yourself and isolate him from his friends, that's not healthy!" Connie tried to reason in a whisper. 

"Watch me." Spinel spit at her, putting her hands at her sides, "Oh he'll have friends alright on my watch, just less ratty ones than you." 

"But, but… he can't be all yours. You've got to share, uhm…"

Connie got up and retreated, as Spinel advanced towards her, looming over the human girl in a threatening fashion, until the girl hit the wall with her back. 

"Sharing is caring!" She tried one last time. 

Spinel smiled suddenly, bending down by placing her hands on her knees, and looking Connie in the eyes with a wide, twisted mocking grin. 

"I _ don't _care." 

With that she turned around, heading down and loudly telling Steven all about how she heard Connie out, and they peacefully settled everything out. 

Connie hurried home suddenly. For now she would have to play it low. But this wasn't over. 

Seeing as everyone was about to head about their own business, Pearl asked loudly. 

"So what happened to Jasper?" 

Standing next to her, Spinel slammed her forehead with her palm. 

"Right, I forgot!" She summoned Jasper's gold locked gem up, freaking the gems in the room out. 

"I've regged her." 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"Dude, too much deets." 

Fuchsia gem rolled her eyes, "I've _ rejuvenated _ her." She clarified. 

Pearl quietly whispered, starting at the gold casing, "Were those meant for us?" 

She didn't want to know the answer. 

Spinel tossed the cased gem up and down in the air, "Gotta be honest with you. She sucks. I dunno what to do with her now."

"Can I have that?" 

The gems looked back to see Amethyst reaching her hand out to Spinel. 

"You know she's gonna pop out looking to serve Pink Diamond and colonize the Earth, right?" 

"Yeah. Can you just give her to me? Please?" 

Such politeness was unusual for Amethyst to say, that's how Spinel knew she was being very serious. She learned to read those gems well over time. 

"Sure." 

She stretched her hand all the way to Amethyst and tossed the gem for her. 

"It unlocks on the side." 

Amethyst held the gem in her hands as if it was a little critter or a bird, with her palms crossed together and open up. 

"Yeah. Thanks." 

She headed up the stairs from there. 

"Let's go sis." She whispered. 

Once she disappeared above, Pearl turned at Garnet. 

"She'll be fine, in the Kindergarden." 

Having that reassurance voiced to her, Pearl glanced at Steven and Spinel one more time. She held her hands together, smiling softly, and looking much more content. 

"So will we." She whispered. "Sorry, you two." 

"It's fine, Pearl. We had a good talk there."

"Meh, I've been left there behind for longer." 

The two teens laughed about it as they did, going up to Steven's room, as the two other gems watched them happily. Garnet placed her hand over Pearl's shoulders. 

"We did well." 

"We truly did."

~ ~ ~ 

"And then I looked up and you came for me." Spinel glanced down at the half human boy who laid with his head on her crossed legs, as she sat up in his bed. She guessed it must have been uncomfortable, even though she was made of soft material. But Steven wasn't complaining about his position.

"That's pretty… dark." 

"Nah. Could have been worse." 

"I was right though. When Connie told me that you were left alone with Jasper, I said - we better hurry before Spinel poofs Jasper!"

He shrugged his hands, as Spinel snorted at it. She placed her hand over his head, staring down at him lovingly. 

"We really did that, huh?"

"Hmm?" 

"We really… told each other how we feel in the garden." 

"Yeah… I guess we're dating now." 

"Like, we're… together?" 

Steven reached his hand, and Spinel gave him hers to hold.

"Like we belong to each other." 

Belong. That has a nice sound to it. 

"And nothing will do us apart?" 

"Nothing. Hopefully." 

"Well, we'll make sure not to break up over miscommunications again, right?"

"Right. Open and healthy communications. And only the truth." 

"Truth only."

"Good. So. Speaking of truth…"

Spinel tensed up. 

"Did you… what do you feel about Connie now?"

"Oh." She relaxed again, "Nothing." 

"Nothing? Aren't you mad?" 

"Eh… it ain't gonna get me anywhere if I am to hate on her. So I just… choose not to care." 

"Well that's one way to deal with it." Steven smiled at her. "I'm proud of you, Spinel." 

"Aww jee, I have you to try for." 

The exchanged soft looks, but then Steven frowned lightly, remembering something. 

"Spinel? Can I ask you something?"

_ Anything. _"Yes?"

He raised his hand up, patting her cheek lightly. 

"Your eyes. They're…"

"...Beautiful? Like yours?" 

"Well, that too. But yours look like… how they usually look when you're… feeling unst… uh… down. I feel like maybe the events that happened in the Garden before I got there were a little more traumatizing than you're letting on?" 

He hoped it was okay to probe this talk. Spinel took hold of his hand on her face, softly. 

"I feel fine." 

"Fine now. But maybe you weren't, and you might want to talk about it?" 

She kept quiet, pondering.

"I…" she bend over, closing up face to face with Steven, "I just really really missed you there." Came in a sort whisper, as she kissed his lips and sat up again. 

“Of course I knew I’d take on Jasper, and I knew you’d come see me… Eventually… But I still worried. I really, really don’t want to lose you.” 

“Spinel…” 

At this point this specific tone in which Steven would whisper her name stood for many words at once, mostly for “I love you” and “I’m with you”. 

“We won’t have to part anymore.” 

“And… we’ll have good days now?”

“Yes.”

“We’ll have a happy day tomorrow?” She shined up. “Together, just you and me?”

“Yes. We will.” 

Spinel cheered, coiling her hands around Steven and bringing him up for a tight hug.

Everything was going to be just perfect from now on. 

Except that it wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see my illustration of Pink Calcite, as well as some astonishingly amazing fanart and even some audio recordings people have done for Over Their Garden - on my tumblr main monsterritory, it's all tagged as "over their garden".  
I'm endlessly thankful to all of you for reading this and letting me know that you love this tale so much, and to those people for making me smile so wide for days over their fanart. Thank you so much!


	8. Their Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day together, the most special day... It was meant to be.   
A small conflict of interests.   
And another one of Pink's lost treasures.

"Hurry up! Pffft! Those boots look ridiculous." 

"They're for gardening, you know."

_ Here in the garden, let's play a game  _

_ Only for you and I  _

"Hehehe, you're bringing human culture to a gem garden?" 

"I brought peace to the galaxy, might as well bring human tools to the garden." 

_ Here in the garden, come pick me up,  _

_ I'm fun to have around.  _

"It's our Garden now after all." 

"It is, Steven. Race you to the warp pad!" 

_ I love your smile, that's what I'm after.  _

_ The smile on your face, the sound of your laughter. _

They went through the newly installed warp pad, bringing a bunch of gardening tools and flower seeds to the garden. 

They've refused the offer to have the garden repaired by other gems, saying that they wanted to do it together. 

To make it special. 

_ Happy together, your hand in mine _

_ Happily watching the world go by.  _

Spinel worked with the shovels, as Steven instructed her - she simply needed to dig the dirt up and rustle it around. To renew it. Moving just behind her, Steven planted flower seeds, kissing then before he'd deposit them in the soil. 

Beautiful roses and hibiscuses bloomed almost instantly. 

_ Happy together, all on our own,  _

_ under the endless sky  _

Somewhen through the day Pearl warped to the garden to leave a basket of food and water nearby the entrance. No matter how hard she tried - seeing Steven with Spinel never even remotely reminded her of seeing Pink with Spinel. 

Steven truly did love her.

Pearl warped without seeing the two directly, letting them have their space. 

_ Happily smiling, happy away,  _

_ And it's just you and I.  _

Spinel worked happily, taking advantage of her abilities to do things faster than Steven could catch up, teasing him when she'd climb up a column and asking how's the weather down below. 

_ Happy I wonder, night after night, _

_ Am I so good or are you just so kind?  _

She didn't need to rest, but she wasn't in a hurry to restore garden. So whenever Steven sat down to rest - she sat by him, rustling his hair or pinching his cheeks happily. 

_ Happy to listen, happy to cry, _

_ Only world needed is you and I.  _

They went to the garden almost as soon as Steven was awake. And it may have been dull in there, but Spinel wanted to spend their whole day in there. Because they were together, just the two of them. And no one else. 

_ You keep on turning pages  _

_ For girl who doesn't care,  _

_ girl that will go on  _

_ without you. _

They never heard anyone call them for an emergency home, and that was good for the two. They shared thoughts without being interrupted once. Spinel listened with fascination to all of Steven's reviews of his favourite video games, and then he listened to her explain how to play gem games.  _ _

_ Just stop and look at me now  _

_ Gem who loves you so, _

_ gem who needs you so  _

_ gem who'll do it all,  _

_ gem who won't go on  _

_ without you.  _

When Steven took a small nap, Spinel just sat by his side quietly. Watching. She loved to see him so vulnerable, helpless. Needing her for protection from any danger in the world. She loved him. 

_ Finally happy, finally peace,  _

_ Nothing between us now  _

_ She will not bother, you will be mine,  _

_ Just never turn around.  _

She loved him. She never wanted to have to share him with anyone, all she wanted was to be with him all the time. For every single movement and gesture of his to be directed at her. For every look to be for her, for every smile, and every tear… 

_ Isn't that lovely?  _

_ Isn't that cool?  _

_ And am I not cruel, _

_ and aren't I a fool to think _

It was wrong.  _ _

_ I'll keep you with me  _

Not reasonable or healthy to the extent she fantasized about it. 

_ I'll keep you mine  _

But she didn't care. 

She only cared to keep him with her. 

_ Only world needed is you and I. _

~ ~ ~ 

"Whew, I think we did well for the first day." Steven wiped his forehead, looking proudly at their progress on the restoration of the garden. Spare for the paths to walk on, they dug up the dirt, letting it breath again. Planted seeds and watered them, and had Steven kiss the dirt here and there. 

One thing he found funny was when Spinel saw where he was kissing the dirt, and immediately made herself smaller and sprang towards his next target for smooching, to be smooched instead of the ground. Her ability to become flat on the ground was still creepy sometimes, and almost always surprising, since Steven tried his best to forget that she had that in her. He thought at least some of her shapeshifting abilities were a nightmare fuel.

Now some flowers were blooming. Hopefully they'd make the place feel more alive. 

They've done a fairly decent job of disposing of the old rotten vines and the grass. Steven did it himself, to avoid risking getting Spinel triggered.

But she seemed to be holding well. Instead of freaking out - she actually suggested to put a little statue in the spot where she stood still for 6000 years. 

"I'll never forget, or be able to erase my trauma. So I don't want to pretend that it's not there." Was her reasoning, a huge progress from when she tried to repress her hurt side. 

And so a little winged heart figurine was placed there, with a batch of hibiscus surrounding it. 

They still had a lot to do, a lot of area to cover, and had yet to deal with the water being sticky and nasty. But they were sure they'd get there. 

Another good thing about being in the Garden - their own Garden now - is that they got to kiss without witness a lot. Steven wanted to make sure he'd stop being awkward and shy about it. But he just couldn't help himself. Every time that Spinel would catch his idea and lean in to kiss him - he couldn't help but chuckle at how adorable she was. And she would never leave him laughing alone, so the whole thing would turn into a small laughing fit. 

Perhaps kissing in public was out of question for now. 

But holding hands wasn't. This hasn't changed since Spinel was her baby self again - she loved to hold onto him. To wrap her hands around his hand and not let go, to put her hand over his shoulder possessively, or to simply let her palm be held in his own. The latter was the most special one. 

The two rested on the warp pad platform after a lot of hard work, sitting on the edge and talking about everything and nothing. 

"So… what's dating like on Earth?" 

"Hmm. Well, for each their own."

"Oh, no, I mean… what are people… going to think of us? Like, like is it a status quo thing, or…" 

"I guess the answer stays the same - for each their own. Some people make it public and make out in public, some keep it secret… You know, I'm glad you brought it up. I don't think we should keep it a secret. But also… take our time to tell others, or even let them guess. What about you?" 

"What about me?" She still wasn't used to being asked about her opinion. 

"Do you want people to know that we're together, or would you rather keep it a secret?" 

"Oh…" Spinel would have loved for the whole world to know that Steven belonged to her, but on another hand - it felt so special when it was between the two of them… "Let others guess, I guess. Like a game of who can do it earlier." 

Steven smiled at her idea, "My dad will probably know first. Jee, I haven't told him anything about us yet. I don't think he even knows who you are." 

Was that bad? 

"What's a dad? I remember seeing some human hang around you and the gems when I was…" there was a short search for the right word. "Going ape shit on your planet." 

"Yeah, that's him. He's… basically he made me."

"I thought Pink made you?"

A bit of a pause formed, as it downed to Steven that there was no soft way to put that his dad basically was the reason why Pink was gone, after Steven himself. 

"They both did. It's complicated… you should just know that: He is - what other Diamonds were to mom for me. Except he actually cares about me. And is a person with decent morals. I'm sure he'll like you." 

The boy got up, inviting Spinel with him.

"Let's go. I bet he's at his car wash right now." 

Spinel hesitated to grab his hand back. 

"I… thought we were going to have an "us" day?"

"We  _ are _ having it. We'll just go around Beach City, see some people. Together. Your hand in mine." 

Seeing others. She didn't like the sound of that, but it was Steven who was reassuring her, so it would be okay. It had to be. 

~ ~ ~ 

This was not okay. She didn't sign up for this. 

"Dad, this is Spinel. You remember her using that injector and resetting the gems?"

"Oh, yeah. Ain't gonna forget that anytime soon. I don't see Pearl being so…" Mr. Universe shrugged his hands "So pearly every day." 

Steven laughed at him. Spinel didn't like the man she was seeing before herself, let alone the fact that she now  _ had to  _ hope that he'll think nicely of her. 

No one was allowed to judge her anymore.  _ No one!  _

But since Steven had him in his family tab… she could only put on her "Yes my Diamond" smile accompanied by "Your Best Friend" voice now. 

"It's nice to meet you." She got out of herself. 

"It's nice to meet you as a friend too. It's not everyday that a gem shows up and takes all three of them out in one go, you know?" Greg tried to sound positive, reaching to shake her hand. 

Spinel blinked at his hand, innocently, suddenly conveniently forgetting what touch stuff were used for on Earth. 

At least it couldn't get worse than that. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Look at her forms and shapes. Oooh, she would make for a perfect model to draw for the beginner cartoonists." Vidalia circled Spinel, admiring her strangely. Spinel just stared awkwardly, wishing it was Steven who'd be making her feel so flustered with positive things about herself. 

"Can I touch your hair? For structure. I see you nodding, thank you. Ah, yes, it's rather… coarse. Say, does your hair represents your mood sometimes?" 

"Wow, you caught on that too?" Steven asked, pretending to be an interested art student. 

"Of course. There are so many things in her that stand for how she feels and how she perceives herself. Just look…" 

She touched her shoulder pads, "They're triangles, although not too sharp. They weren't triangles before, were they? It stands for her attempting to make herself look more evil, but the softness and roundness is what gives out that she doesn't carry through with it. The shape of her body parts - are both squares. She means business when she wants to, I bet. Squares are serious and responsible. And the mascara… those lines, they're like scars-"

Vidalia reached to trace them, and it was the first time that Spinel had broken her still pose. She kept it when she noted how interested Steven was in this weird psychoanalysis. But there were places of her that were not up for touching by anyone. Her scars were one of them, so she leaned back from the touch, very open about her discomfort. 

"Sorry, honey. Got carried with it. Would you care for a sketch and a tea?" 

Steven was about to say that they'd love to stay, but he eyed Onion in the corner of the room. 

He believed Spinel was strong of will, but not strong enough to face Onion yet, let alone his… tapes. 

"Thanks but I think we'll be going, okay bye-"

He grabbed Spinel by the hand and ran. 

"What'd scare you there, gem boy?" 

"The unforgettable." Steven whispered, slowing his step eventually and leading Spinel by hand now, "Which I hope you never see." 

"Hmm. You know, I would let you…" 

"Let me... what?" As he was still thinking of Onion's tape that he had a misfortune of seeing almost two years ago, her phrase caught him off guard. 

"I would let you… trace my scars… if you wanted." Spinel looked away and covered her face with her free hand. Seemingly forgetting that she was still holding Steven's hand with the other. It must have been becoming a natural state for her - to hold onto him. 

"Oh. Thanks. I can see it means a lot to you."

This was good. This was fine. Why would it have to get worse? 

~ ~ ~ 

"Hey Steven. Who's your friend?"

"Hey. You guys remember… I mean, this is Spinel. Spinel, those three are the local cool kids. That's what Lars always called them."

Three people. She gripped his hand. It couldn't get worse than that. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Hey Lars, hey Sadie. You guys working stuff out?"

Steven turned at Spinel, "Those two are a couple, somewhat. They both don't know it yet, I think." 

"I remember you. You said you… weren't Steven's friend? So like… are you though?" 

If Spinel had a tongue with pain receptors she'd bite it right now. 

Just another two. It can't get worse than this. 

~ ~ ~

"Steven, Spinel! It's so good to see you two finally safe and sound!" White exclaimed, putting her hands together. 

This was the worst. Spinel clenched her hands on her knees where she sat, very poorly keeping her smile on by now. 

She didn't want any of it. She didn't want any of them, she didn't need any of them. Or at least not that day. She just wished that everyone could disappear, and she could stay with just Steven, alone, quietly… 

Everything burned. She wasn't even hearing what was Steven saying to the Diamonds in the call. She felt as if though a flame ignited inside of her. A bad flame, as it burned the back of her neck and her chest. It made her feel like millions of tiny needles were penetrating her skin anywhere they could reach. Her jaws were clenched. 

This wasn't a panic attack, so then what was it? She wasn't panicking, although she was ready to shoot up from her place, scream out and rage and cry. Probably crash the place or crush Connie if she saw her now, she probably wouldn't hold her rage back.

_ At this rate I might just go get a new injector and carry out my plan of killing every little thing on this pitiful little planet but me and Steven and- _

Steven tapped her shoulder, as she failed to hear when he called her over, and simply continued to stare at the wall before her. She slapped his hand away momentarily. Steven guessed that she must have zoned out, and was about to come back to her senses and apologize, and he would assure her that it's okay, and he'd hold her more… 

But that didn't occur. 

Instead Spinel got up, clearly crying, and stormed off. 

White held her pause, before "whispering" softly, and dramatically, 

"Steven, is everything alright? She wasn't looking exactly...  _ happy _ since you called."

"I'm… I'm not sure? I'll call you back." 

Ending the call, Steven hurried back down to catch up to her. Okay, he could deal with this. Whatever it was - Spinel was here, safe, next to him, not trying to destroy his planet or herself, not punching him in the face… for now. He could work with it. They could talk it out. 

"Spinel, I'm sorry, what was-"

"You're not."

Spinel stood in his room, with her back on him, gripping her fists when Steven finally caught up to her. He thought her voice was a little shaky. 

This reminded him of something… 

"I  _ am _ sorry." 

"You don't even know what for."

"Yeah. You're right. I don't. Please, tell me. What's wrong? Was it something I did? Was it because of White? Spinel?" 

He tried to approach her again, slowly reaching out to hold her shoulder. She turned around fast, visibly crying with a mix of anger on her face. Once she registered his hand so close to her - she slapped it away again, harder this time. 

Steven stepped back, holding onto it and making a small "Ah!" sound. Not as much because it hurt, but to show her that she was hurting him. 

Spinel raised her hand up for more, but stopped mid track, looking at her shaky hands. 

Okay, good, Steven thought. This is the part where she regrets hurting him, subdues, becomes willing to talk it out. 

But she didn't. Spinel did start to spiral mentally, blaming herself for hurting Steven, but part of her was excusing it as an eye for an eye - he hurt her! Those two sides battling led to her slamming her fist on the nearest wall with a roar, creating a hole in the wall that Bismuth tried so hard to make perfect. 

Okay, so this was a… level 8 on Spinel mood drop scale. Okay. He can work with it. Injector only starts from the 10 anyways. 

Out of 10. 

Steven learned one thing about Spinel. He couldn't quite put it to words yet, but he had an idea of what to do. 

Spinel loved to be above. She was wildly unfamiliar with the concept of being above, but Steven knew she loved to be there. He knew that since the time they… well, he just knew that! Perhaps with some more sense of security in that position it would become easier to get her in that state, and work on bettering it from there.

For now, Steven had to play it right and carefully. 

He rubbed at his hurt hand. Not trying to guilt trip her for hurting him there, just trying to look shy and weak as he could. 

"I'm sorry. I really wish I knew what I did wrong. So I could apologize. Maybe I can make it better?" Any hint, anything?

It's not like he failed to notice her new hairdo or something on that shelf. He always watched it closely for any changes. 

Unfortunately for Spinel, his tactic worked. Although slightly, but worked. She only shook in her anger, instead of letting her energy out to make another hole in his room. Progress, good. She got some self control back. 

Steven mentally rehearsed his whole day with her. They were over their garden, then they met his dad, then cool kids, then Lars, then more people, then he called the Diamonds… 

Did she expect that he'd be more excited to introduce her to everyone? No? 

Steven took another glance at her troubled stance. No, there was more to it, that he previously didn't see… 

"Spinel. I'm so sorry. You… were stressed. Whole day. Something was stressing you the whole time. I get it, it's like a cup that fills up, and then one last drop makes it all pour over the edges. That's why you snapped now, right?… I'm so sorry, I had no idea you felt that way, but I should have! I should have noticed earlier, I'm sorry…" 

Steven held onto himself sadly, for a better effect. He was being honest, but he had to be more dramatic about it than that to make a change in her. 

Other options weren’t viable. He knew not to try and overpower her, because Spinel could and would overpower him if he tried. So he had to submit and hope for the best. 

"Of course. Spent whole day  _ like that  _ and  _ now  _ that I've already had enough and snapped - you remember to apologize." 

"Spent whole day like what? Spinel, I'm really sorry, maybe I'm not seeing something the same way you do… please tell me what's the matter. I want to talk it out." 

Spinel opened her mouth to speak, but froze up, suddenly considering: How would that sound?  _ I hated seeing people whole day _ ? Isn't that wrong and evil? Would he leave her over it?  _ Would he leave?  _

She seemingly subdued, to which Steven reacted positively. Now she'd tell him what was wrong and they’d talk it out… 

"Nevermind." 

And they're back to square one. 

Think, Steven, think. It must be something… that matters to Spinel, and she must know that he had chances of not noticing it. That's how it sounded. 

But it wasn't true that he shouldn't have cared. Even if he didn't know her reasons - Spinel was hurt, crying, angry, she punched him and his wall. 

It means it mattered to her. Something was up, even if it only existed within her head. 

"Spinel? I can't not mind. Whatever it is - is making you feel this way. Then it's real for you. I want to know what's wrong. I want to know what makes you feel this way. So maybe I can help it." 

He was trying his best to pick his word, just to hook the information out of her softly. 

Spinel battled heavily the desire to relax and tell him what the matter was and have him understand her. Maybe he was right? Maybe it wasn't silly or ridiculous just because it was about her emotions? Along with everything else she battled wanting his security. But he could have pushed her away as soon as she'd voice her pain… 

But she'd never know unless she'd try it. 

"It's just…" she started very quietly, "I thought we were going to… I wanted an "us" day." 

"An "us" day. Well, isn't it what we had?"

"No! No, it wasn't!" That was the explosion part. "It was an "us" day when we were in the garden, but then it was your dad day, your friends day, your other friends day, the Diamonds day!.." Spinel threw her hands up. 

Alright, good. This was the explosion part - the part where Spinel let's it all explode out of her. So she would be vulnerable now for some time, and Steven had to be extra careful with her, he had to account for that, and… what did she just say again? 

"Are you saying…" He didn't want to put it in a rude fashion, but he couldn't pick the words for it, "Everyone… you think I shouldn't have… what do you mean?"

No, he couldn't put words into her mouth. He needed her to say it as it is. Unfortunately for him, Spinel took it for a straw to renew her anger with. 

"Yeah, no issue there, is it? Just a day dedicated to  _ anyone _ but us!" 

"Do you think it was wrong that we saw them all?" 

Spinel sobbed, crying by now, "It was going to be a perfect day, out first dating day, and we started out so well, but then we did anything but stay together! I didn't wanna s-see any of them, I just wann'ed you." 

Steven didn't know what to say. Sure, being together did seem reasonable for their first day together as partners - he didn't even know she gave it so much thought. But she was complaining about… seeing his friends? 

He glanced at her again, considering. He could let her have it and apologize, or he could let her know that this was wrong, and he had his boundaries too.

A decision had to be made. 

"I didn't think it… meant so much to you."

Spinel seemed momentarily relieved. "...Well, you know now. Can we… do better now?" 

"No."

She took a step back, looking up. What?

"I can see my friends. You shouldn't be telling me to avoid them to be with you." 

So he hasn't learned… 

"Then… when are you going to have time for me?" She asked, as if they never met each other. 

"I do spend time with you. We spent the whole morning in the garden. Together, alone." 

She frowned, "Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know I had a daily limit of your time. Is it up yet, do I leave?" 

"Stop it. You know you're being hurtful. And you know you're being wrong. Just admit it." 

"And the next thing I know is that I'm not being needed, is that so?" 

Steven felt bad about it. He noticed that their voices went up in volume as they spoke and he hated it. And he hated that he started to… want to reply nasty things to her too. 

"You're not a toy to only be around when you're needed, I'm sorry my mom made you believe otherwise, but I had nothing to do with it!" 

"Sure seems like you're taking after her." 

"Do  _ not  _ compare me to her." This was his only red line. 

Developed through painful years. 

"Why not? I wasn't good enough to be all she needed. Doesn't seem like my value to  _ a  _ Pink Diamond changed much over 6000 years." 

"Stop that, don't say that!"

"Oh, sorry, am I misbehaving my Diamond?" 

" _ Don't  _ call me that! I'm nothing like her! I'm  _ trying  _ to be nice to you, you… At least you got to know her!" 

It was the first time that Spinel saw Steven clench his fists and close his eyes as tears ran down his face, yet he seemed so angry a second ago. The emotional state she was so familiar with. 

"You at least got to play with her, got to know her for ages. Got to hear her voice. And I…" He let his hands fall down, eyes darting around the floor. 

He was right. That was one thing Spinel knew, that Steven never had a chance to know. She felt something strange suddenly. Some sort of a guilt… for something she held no control over. 

"And she's gone now." Steven whispered to himself, rather than kept talking to her, "And I'll never know… what am I doing? Why are we fighting? I don't want to be like this. I don't want to hurt you too."

"Anger is contagious, eh?" She almost smiled, "I think you're right."

The boy looked up at her in confusion. 

"I'm sorry. I know what she was like. What she was like when no one else saw her, the sides that she never showed to anyone else…"  _ Because everyone else, but me, was above her.  _ "I of all should know you're nothing like her." 

"Did I really… remind you of her when I led you through the town?" 

"Not really… at least you actually took me with you. It's just that…" 

"You're right."

It was Spinel's turn to get surprised. 

"You're right. We should have spent the day the way that would have made both of us happy. And I didn't exactly… ask you if you wanted this. I just dragged you along. I should have been more considerate." Steven raised his hands up, inviting her for a hug, "I just don't want to lose you, Spinel." 

She still looked on the verge of tears, but those were good tears. She came closer and hugged him back. 

"I should have spoken about how I felt." 

"You can be sure I would have listened." 

"What is this?"

"What's what?"

"This. What is this? I just wanted to be mad and maybe destroy the planet again a minute ago, but now I'm… saying that I was wrong, while you're saying that you're wrong… And I'm not even mad anymore." She leaned back to look at him, not breaking their hug. "What is this?"

"It's called working things out."

While she pondered on his words, Steven suddenly leaned down and hooked her knees up, picking her up. She let herself be carried to wherever he wanted. And it wasn't that far off - he just placed her to sit on his bed, and continued their hug there. 

The bed did feel like some sort of a drama-free common ground of the room. They never argued there. 

"Garnet was right. Love can live through anything if we face the truth together."

"She really did give us a relationship advice just before she reformed, huh?" 

"Yes. And she said a wise thing. We've got to talk things out. To tell each other how we feel, even if it's weird or small - sometimes those things matter the most. To work things out. There's nothing that I wouldn't trust you with. You know that, Spinel?"

"Yes." For some reason she was blushing. Must have been from crying a minute ago. 

She deposited her head on his shoulder. 

"What if we can't talk things out one day?" 

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno, just…"

_ What if you refuse to believe me again? _

"Let's both keep it in mind then. That we want to be together. And to be together sometimes we'll have to admit things that aren't pretty. This is an extension of our promise. Alright, Spinel?"

"I guess..." 

"Spinel?"

"Yes, yes, right… What about today? How will we spend the rest of the day?"

Steven held her closer. 

"However you want. We'll do what you want. I hope I can make it up to you."

She felt relieved. After all she got what she wanted. 

"I want just the two of us together, and nobody else." 

"Just the two of us, huh… Spinel, I think I know just the room for us." 

As she looked up at him with sudden fascination and a tint of worry, his gem lit up. 

Somewhere downstairs a corresponding gem lit up on the door. 

And the door opened. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" Connie rubbed her hands, very nervous that this could potentially reach Spinel and make things worse. But she had to try.

She came to the Little Homeworld hoping to find any of the Crystal Gems to talk to them. They were authority over Steven, if she could only convince one of them that they weren't healthy together - there would be hope. 

Pearl and Garnet went to the town that day, and while Garnet stopped to help with the construction, Pearl stood nearby. 

Pearl had to understand. She was Connie's teacher, and she was all about healthiness of attachments now. She had to understand. 

"Sure, Connie. What is it?.. Is it about Steven and Spinel?"

"Maybe… Pearl I just need you to hear me out." 

The tall gem only smiled down at her softly, reaching her hand to rustle her hair. 

"I know, I know. You feel left out." 

"No, I mean yes, but that's not the point. I just don't think they're good for each other." 

Pearl's smile screwed up a bit. 

"I thought you were over this lesson?"

"I know I used it as an excuse for my actions before, but now I really think so!" 

She was starting to sound worried, and Pearl took it for a sign that she was being honest this time. 

She walked towards the nearest bench and called her over, patting the place next to her. Pearl sat with her legs crossed over one another, while Connie's legs didn't really reach the ground from it. 

"What makes you think they're bad for each other?"

"Their dependency. Just look at what happened with Steven when Spinel went missing for like a hour… You guys have to be ready to fight to protect Earth at any moment. What if something happens now and those two just get stuck together or get separated and… they won't be able to focus on saving the Earth or helping others. They're too dependant!" 

Pearl put her hands together and waited before replying. 

"Connie, I think you're exaggerating the real picture. It's not that bad." 

"But it literally is! Steven started panicking and lashing out when he lost her for a hour." 

"To be fair, he suspected something bad must have happened, since they didn't agree to part. And it's… not that he was wrong. I'm sorry." 

"It's true but, but… they're literally inseparable, they even fused! It's- I think it's getting to the point where one won't do well without the other by their side." 

Pearl was looking concerned, tapping her fingers together. 

"They got together about a week ago. I'm sorry, I really don't see the same picture that you do here. Of course they've been wanting to be together all the time." She looked around, searching for arguments to something seemingly so simple. Then she saw Garnet. 

"I mean, look at Garnet. The two love each other so much, they stay fused all the time. And even when they don’t - they married so they can still belong to each other, even when they’re apart. That’s just love. Is that wrong?"

Connie put her legs on the bench, up to her chest, and covered her face, making distressed noises. 

"Tell me one thing." Pearl continued, "Since you believe the two are so bad for each other, or have some sort of abuse going on… have you tried asking Steven how he feels in this relationship?" 

This worked, because for a second Connie started to doubt that she was right. But then the memories of what Spinel told her showed up. 

"Maybe he doesn't feel bad, but I think she's being bad!"

"Are you scared of her or are you caring for Steven? Connie, I can't tell you much here. I can only ask you to ask Steven how he feels. If he doesn't feel bad with her - why does it matter how _you_ feel about her? You're not the one dating Spinel, he is. … But please know that I don't blame you. I felt left out too when I saw them together, and… may have acted out while they didn’t even notice that I stepped away." 

"That's what I'm talking about! It's like the world around ceases to exist when they’re together!" 

"But I figured my feelings out. And I'll be here for you if you'd like to talk about it and do the same." 

Connie tugged her hair down the sides of her face, humming angrily. 

"Thank you anyways." She said politely, jumping down and going away. 

She would find a way to make them see it. 

She would break him free. 


	9. The Spoiled Seed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm.  
A visit to the room.  
More mild smut humour.  
Connie's one last attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh!

"That's my room." Steven said, walking through the pink clouds, "It used to be mom's room, but now it's mine. ...You should probably…" 

Steven held Spinel's hand. 

"I almost lost the last friend I brought here in the clouds."

Last friend? Was it Connie? She deserved to get lost in there, in Spinel's mind. 

"So… do you know how it works?" Spinel asked cautiously, looking around. 

The room hasn't changed, although the owner did. 

"Well, yeah. It materializes things I want."

"And what do you usually do here?"

"Oh, uhm…" Steven's eyes darted around, as he blushed. "...Stuff." 

But lucky for him, Spinel didn't notice. She let go of his hand and took few steps from him, glancing around. 

"Well, what do you want to make here?"

"Oh I was thinking something for both of us. We can come up with a place or make people…" 

"Make. I want to see someone."

Something about the way Spinel spoke and acted made Steven feel uneasy for some reason. But having no proof of anything being off, he carried with it. 

"You're gonna have to tell me about it. The room only listens to me." 

She shifted, turning around at him. She wasn’t smiling. 

"You know whom I want to see." 

It took a minute. 

"I don't think that's a good idea. It's true I've… done it before. When I was younger, once I came here to see “mom." And it wasn't a good experience. This stuff can mess you up and make you forget that they're not real in here. Like lucid dreaming." 

Spinel repeated herself, "I want to see Pink in here." 

As soon as she said that, a whirl of clouds flew next to her and formed up a tall figure dressed in a pink attire of a jester. The cloud Pink smiled at her, standing numb. 

"Huh?" Steven looked down at his hands, trying to understand at what point did he summon her and how. Then he looked up again. 

Pink Diamond, his mom… No! It wasn't his mom, it was a bunch of clouds. He had to remember. 

"Spinel… how?" 

"Isn't this fun?" Said Cloud Pink, "I can make anything in here! Ohhh… I want you to be able to use this room too, Spinel!" 

She held her hands together, laughing happily. Her laughter… was this…? 

Steven stepped back, "Spinel, I think we need to poof- to make her go. This is freaking me out. I… I'm sorry, I want her gone!" 

"No!" Spinel replied fast and loud, turning around at him while she grabbed Pink's hand. A second later it occurred to her what'd she just do. Her hair went down, as she slowly turned back around, to see her hand over the hand of the cloud figure. 

Pink was smiling softly at her. Looking at that gesture - Spinel's body shined up and changed form, becoming baby Spinel again, as her gem turned upside down, to its natural state. 

"You're so much fun, Spinel! Let's play another game!" Pink laughed, letting go of her hand and twirling around as she laughed, and laughed, and laughed…

Steven watched, as the clouds around slowly turned grey, then got darker and darker… and then formed a familiar place. 

It was the Garden. But it didn't look like it did that morning. It looked like it did 6000 years ago. 

Spinel stood still, her hands open and her hair hearts smaller - as they would turn when she was sad - looking at the dancing Pink with tears in her eyes. Steven stood behind her, only seeing her back, and having a bad feeling about all of this suddenly. 

"Oh, you're my only salvation, Spinel!" Pink stopped spinning, and looked at her with a tired expression, "Yellow and Blue are awful, but I suppose you're the one good thing that came to me from them. Maybe one day they'll also get me my own colony… then I'll prove myself!" 

"Spinel, I have a really bad feeling about this." The boy was having a hard time reminding himself that this was a cloud replica of a deceased person, an imaginary friend, no more. 

Spinel seemingly wasn't hearing him. 

Then the scenery changed. It got noticeably darker. Pink stood still, looking serious and… greyer. Not White-esque, just less colourful all of a sudden. Her face was bored and numb. 

"I'm tired of you." She blurted, turning around and walking off, to the warp pad. 

But she didn't make her way to there - she teleported over to the communication device suddenly. 

Spinel turned away from it, now facing Steven but not looking at him. She was looking down, shaking, as she put her hands together. Just like she stood in the garden. Steven noticed some vines that started to materialize around her. 

And soon, the whole place turned darker, the water spoiled, the columns crashed down, and the grass and vines grew rapidly, covering the area. 

Cloud Pink watched from the communicator, laughing and loving and living as Steven and Spinel were stuck in time, terrified and unknowing, facing the consequences that she never bothered to think about. 

Then Pink turned towards Spinel and spoke loudly, "I've lived my life! I had fun, I've ran away, I liberated my own colony, I faked my shattering, I loved and I loved and I loved and I loved… and finally, I died, happily knowing that…" her face started to melt away, "That Spinel will die rotting away, forgotten, while I laugh." 

She laughed, coming forth. Laughed maniacally, with a melting twisted grin. 

Still as her baby self, Spinel took off and ran towards Pink, crying out for her and begging for it to be one cruel prank on her.

It couldn't be that she just… betrayed her, could it? 

She fell down to her knees, crying it all out. 

"How could you!? After everything we had - I thought I was special to you! Why?! Why!!!" 

She hit the ground with her fists, over and over again, screaming through the tears, as her voice turned hoarse from all the screaming, 

"I wasn't good enough! I wasn't and now I'll never be because you're gone and you're never coming back and I never won the game, I never… I don't… I don't want to!.."

In his shocked state, Steven couldn't even move at first, as he watched Spinel grab onto her gem. He knew that gesture, he had seen it a hundred times before, whenever she got sad. But now… something was off. 

Spinel held tight onto her gem - Steven reached his hand out, too scared to say or do anything - and he only watched, in utter fear and shock, as Spinel… 

Ripped her heart out. 

He glanced down at her body. Her heart gem was in place. 

In her hands, a cloud replica of her heart formed up. 

Then it fell down to the ground from her hands, as she continued to sit down next to it, sobbing.

Spinel reformed back into her current self, her heart becoming a spade again, and her hair hearts bleeding out. 

Then the cloud Spinel's gem lit up, as she also reformed, although she looked different than Steven knew her - she looked more monstrous. She was darker, with spikes and horns sticking out of her body, and claws and talons being where her limbs ended. Her tears were liquid, dripping down, but they were black and much more gooey than tears. Spare for the colour, they resembled blood, as they fell to the ground, spoiling it. 

"No… that would be too easy for you…" The monster said in a trembling, devious voice, "I'll make you pay."

Then Cloud Spinel jumped over and rushed at Pink, putting her fists through the cloudy body. 

She was unstoppable, she was unleashed, she was enraged, as she punched and kicked the lifeless cloud figure. 

She jumped back, reeling her fists in and crying it all out. A cloud rejuvenator appeared in the monster's hands. 

"I'll make them pay!" 

The cloud replicas of the Crystal Gems and Steven formed up. Cloud Steven was looking a little more pink than the usual. 

True Spinel kept sitting down, her eyes closed as tears kept coming down her face. She was sobbing less, she was feeling ashamed.

"I'll make you all pay for my pain!" Screamed the cloud monster, as it launched at the gems, cutting each of them up into pieces that fell down on the ground rather than poof away. 

"You'll know my pain! I'll make you pay! You took yourself away from me, and I'll…" 

The monster stopped next to Cloud Steven and raised the weapon up, 

"I'll take away the only thing you truly held dear!"

Then she ran her scythe through him, poofing Steven. 

Only his gem was left behind. 

And then it poofed away too, turning into clouds again. Then the Crystal Gems. Then Pink. Then cloud Spinel. 

The Garden turned black and disappeared, and the room returned to looking like a field of pink clouds. 

Finally, Steven caught his breath from the show he watched unfold. He slowly made his way towards Spinel, sitting down next to her. 

"Is that how it… happened?"

She nodded silently. 

Steven reached his hand carefully, and traced a finger down the black scar on her face. Her expression didn't change, but she did put her hand over his own. Not stopping him - just holding it there. 

She seemed to take that gesture like a cat takes being pet - pretended she didn't care that Steven existed next to her right now, but deep inside secretly dearly appreciated it and liked it. 

"We can still play here if you want." 

"Sorry. I just… used it to vent. I meant to have fun in here, but… it just reminded me so much… She made it so that I could also use this room, so we could play together."

"I didn't know you could do that."

"Yet it works. Sorry."

“No, no, it’s okay. I’m… glad you got all that out. Really.” He cupped her cheek into his hand, and she nuzzled against the touch, “Thank you Spinel. You did the right, healthy thing.” 

~ ~ ~ 

"Garnet?"

"I know." 

"I think-"

"You think wrong."

"Can't you at least-" 

"Listen. No." 

This wasn't working out at all. Garnet of all should have seen troubles coming a mile away. Yet Connie wasn't even able to start a talk with her. 

"They're growing unhealthy attached to each other, why won't anyone but me see it?"

"You're the only one concerned with what they do together." 

"Because it's wrong!" 

"It is wrong. You should let them be." Garnet put her hands on her hips, "Any attempt that you'll have at breaking them up will only bring them closer together."

"Oh no. That's awful! What can be closer than they are now? Oh no, oh no… I don't get it, how can you be so calm about it?" 

"I see nothing wrong." 

"But they're inseparable!"

Garnet smiled softly, "So are Ruby and Sapphire. You wouldn't say that they're codependent, would you?" 

"Well, maybe they are!" 

The next thing Connie knew is that she was locked outside of the Beach house. She leaned against the glass door and slid down, saddened. It's like the world was against her, no matter what she did. She glanced inside though the glass. 

The door in the temple opened, and the two small gems walked out. Steven led Spinel by hand. He stopped with his back at the front glass door, and looked at her. Asking if she was feeling okay. Spinel nodded, as she let him hold her cheek and wipe her tears more. She was learning to accept those gestures of security. 

And then she eyed the small human figure watching the two from outside the glass door. 

Spinel fixated her look on Steven, suddenly determined in what she wanted to do. She came closer, running her hands around his head and locking them together, as she nudged his head to leaner closer softly - Steven let her guide him and leaned in, putting his lips out for a kiss. 

And Spinel kissed him. She held his head with her hands and guided it to turn and bend as she willed. Her gem glowed from the exposure to Steven's healing powers again, and soon she melted into this spontaneous make out session that she started a second ago just to make Connie see what she claimed as her own. 

On Steven's end, he was pretty content with it happening. He knew she loved to guide and be in charge, so he let her take the pleasure she needed from kissing him. Not like he was any more experienced at it than she was. He wasn’t. But he loved it. He got to relax with her, and he loved it about her. 

And he always wanted it with her. 

At least they were learning to kiss without laughing all the way through it. That’s progress. 

Steven leaned back first, needing to breath for a second. Spinel kept looking at him lovingly, stroking his soft curly hair and giggling a little. 

“We didn’t really… make our story there, maybe you’ll like to learn a new one instead?” 

“Hmmm?” 

“I’ve been meaning to show you around more. There’s this place - the library. I like to come there. There will be people, but nobody to join the two of us. What do you say?” 

_ I’ll go to the edge of the galaxy with you, _“Sure.” 

Connie jumped up and hid around the corner, as she saw the two head towards the door. She was crying. She really wanted to just jump in, poof Spinel in place, tell Steven all about what she said and hope… that he’ll just send her back to the Diamonds, and be with her again. 

But the words she heard earlier caught up to her, _ “Have you ever stopped to think what Steven feels with her?” _

She glanced down, as the two made their way down the stairs and off to the distance. Spinel tugged on Steven’s jacked until he let her drag it off and put it on herself. All while the two laughed, as she snuggled into the stored warmth of his body. Then Steven reached his hand and Spinel took it into her own, as they walked off… 

Connie looked to the side. Maybe, just maybe she really was wrong… 

~ ~ ~ 

“And back then I realised,” Steven spoke, going through the rows of shelves with books as Spinel followed, “That we need to know each other’s language better. I’m already learning Gemish writing… so maybe I can teach you to read human books meanwhile?” 

Spinel glanced around at all the pretty covers. Seemingly endless shelves had books with covers that portrayed beautiful existent places, beautiful non existent places, couples, stars, some colourful children aimed books… 

“We can pick any book and try reading it!” 

“Hmmm…” Spinel stretched her hand to the upper shelf, and reeled it back with the first random book she grabbed. 

“How ‘bout this one?” 

The book had a grey tie on it. 

“Uhmmm…” Steven stammered, “How about… something for kids. Those books are usually easier, since they’re for kids… who are just starting to learn to read… you know?” 

“Then whom is this for?” Spinel asked, turning the book open and looking through the pages of text and text and no pictures, “Why isn’t this one illustrated? How’m I supposed to know what is this about?” 

She squinted at the text. Steven softly grabbed the book out of her hands. 

“It’s about very boring human things… Let’s grab something more general.” 

“A’ight”. Spinel walked forth, looking for the next book to catch her attention, while Steven placed the one she already took down. 

Someone passed by and chuckled at him. The boy blushed. Well! At least it can’t get worse than that. 

But it did. 

He caught up to Spinel as she held a different book in her hands. The book was red, and the name of it was spelled out in big letters on the front. It was a bit of a folio too. 

“I found this one, but it doesn’t have human writing, I think.” Spinel said, turning pages over. 

Steven covered his face, facepalming somewhat. Wishing he had just went reading online with her back at home. 

“Spinel, this isn’t…”

“I know.” Did she now? Did she even know what he wanted to say? 

“I know, I know. Sacred human sex thing. I wanna know what the fuss is all about.” She calmly answered the unasked question, turning over another page of the very intimate illustrations. 

“Hmm. Is that what all humans have?” 

Steven picked up a big kid’s book and made Spinel hold it behind the Kamasutra book she was holding, to cover the cover. She didn’t see why he’d bother, but did whatever he wanted.

“I’m only seeing two variations here.” 

“Yeah those… can we please sit at the further table with this? … Thank you. Alright, yeah, those are what humans have.” 

Steven deemed it would have been better for both of them to get over with this this way. Spinel had a right to know after all. 

“So… which one do you have?” 

“I’ll tell you. But uh… you shouldn’t be asking people that. It’s very private and… it can be offensive to ask that.”

“Why?”

“Because there are trans people.”

“Trans? Do they like… transform what they have? Can they shapeshift?”

“No, not really. Though that’d be really cool for humans… But no, they can’t transform. They do get operations sometimes... Trans people are… Okay, okay, give me a second.” 

Steven moved to sit closer to her, as he placed his hand over her own on the book, and gathered his thoughts.

“So naturally humans have two sets of genitals. Those things. And depending on what you have - when you’re born the doctors who help humans… _ hatch _… will either assign them to be a “male” (this one) or a “female” (this one on this page). And for a long time on Earth it had a meaning - like if you were assigned female - you had to be… I mean, people expected you to be soft and weak and sit home and not vote. While males did work and voted. But it… kind of died out. We still have just those two sets, but everyone defines what they want to be now. Like males - boys - can wear dresses and paint nails, and girls can vote and be strong and do anything. Gender is… a whole spectrum. It’s complicated. But also not really, because now everyone defines it for themselves. It’s like your identity. A part of it, at least. … Right, so, trans people are the ones who were assigned one of those genders, but as they grew - they decided they wanted to be something else. Like if someone who was born a female wanted to be a man. Then it’d be a trans man. And it’d be rude to ask them what genitals do they have because… it can come across offensive... I’m not sure if you can see why?”

“Yes, I can.”

“Oh, good. So people just define themselves and love whomever they want.” 

“Hmmm…” 

“It’s kind of like… the Gems who don’t want to be what their initial purpose was meant to be.” 

“So, if my purpose was to be cute and adorable, but I rejected all associations with that…” Spinel hummed, “Does that make me… trans?” 

“I guess so. If you want to… identify that way.” 

“I’m trans?” She tasted the phrase aloud. “I’m trans… what about you?” 

“Oh? I’m not sure yet… I guess I’m a boy, but I like wearing dresses.”

“You don’t know for sure?” 

“That stuff can take years to figure out. There’s no rush. And even when you think you figured it out… things can still change, you know? That’s the thing about humans. We change all the time.” 

“Figured as much.” Spinel chuckled. “If only gems did that too.” 

“Well, I think for a gem you changed a lot.” 

He felt her tug her hand back from underneath his own suddenly. 

“For the worse?” 

“No! There’s… there’s no worse or better. We just… change as we grow. That’s all. And… I’m sorry your growth wasn’t for the best reason…” He grabbed her hand into his own, “But I love what you are now.” 

“...Really really?” 

Steven chuckled. “Really really.” 

“Huh-well, then I… guess I’m not that bad. If someone as good as you likes me.” 

“You’re not bad.”

“And you like me?”

“Yes.” 

“Really really like?”

“Yes, really really like you.” 

“Really really really…?”

More soft laughter formed between the two, “Spinel, we’re dating.”

“I gotta know!” She laughed. 

They put the red book aside, and focused on the childish one, spending the rest of their time there with Steven teaching Spinel the human alphabet, as if she was a little child. When she had questions about certain letters - she’d form them with her hands and fingers. 

By the end of their first session she was able to spell out a four letter word. 

“Love.”

~ ~ ~ 

Lovers don’t notice the time passing. 

The two love birds thought a single day flew by, as a whole week passed. Spinel had long forgotten that Connie never told Steven they were no longer friends, or that she existed at all. There was a single time when Steven checked his phone and was surprised to find that Connie wasn’t texting for a long time now, but he assumed she was busy with the space camp, or feeling guilty. He decided it would be a matter for another day. He had something that made him much more happier to do now. 

Spinel. He had Spinel to spend time with and teach about human culture and world. He had her to lift up and hold if she cried. They argued once or twice, but always didn’t even notice when they’d circle back to holding onto each other for dear life. 

They needed each other more than they wanted to be right. And in the end of it, they’d discover that both were wrong anyways. Spinel for assuming and getting mad over nothing, Steven for not seeing that earlier or for putting his emotions out before realising what needs to be said to defuse the situation. He wanted her to know he had boundaries, but in the end… he just needed her by his side. 

It’s not like Spinel was bad for him. She was wonderful. She was wild and she could go 0 to 100 and loop back again in the matter of minutes. And that’s what he loved so much about her - a wild ride. The rollercoaster of their experience together. 

Their experience together… Pink Calcite. The two had not formed them again ever since. Nothing wrong - it was their happy experience. But there was a secret to it that they did not intend to tell others, and the less people knew about them or were exposed to them - the better for keeping it a secret. They would joke about it here and there in the way no one could tell, but for the time being that was it. 

Both did prioritize spending outside time together, unlike Garnet who reveled herself in being herself. There was so much to be done together - to hold hands together, to laugh together, to smile together, to play together, to love together, to sit in complete silence while each read a book in the language only they knew together. To exist together.

Everything was peaceful as can be. 

Well, spare for that one time… 

~

“Spinel? Are you okay? You look a little… shaky?”

_ “I can taste colours by looking at them.” _

“Has anyone seen my coffee? Oh, here’s the cup. … Why is it empty? Steven? Why’s Spinel shaking all over the… room?” 

~

But that only added to their lives, as anything that was fun and harmless was good. 

Somedays Steven couldn’t believe his life. He was just… there, in this part of his life when he fell asleep with Spinel’s hand in his own, smiling softly at her till he’d drift to sleep, and know that he’ll wake up to spend even more happy time together. Probably - most likely - he’ll be awoken with a boop or a kiss on the nose, as she liked to do. 

Could it really be this? Was it really his true happily ever after? The final part where he never had to do anything ever again, and could just be happy? 

No. 

Love takes time and effort, and Steven of all should have known that things tend to change. 

~ ~ ~ 

And sometimes love takes guns. Spinel pointed the water gun at Steven, making a menacing sound. 

“_ This time _ we’ll take the first place.”

“If we hurry, maybe. Otherwise Onion and Sour Cream’s team will have time to plan out their whole round’s strategy.” 

“I can’t believe we lost last time because you sacrificed yourself.” 

“I had to shield you, he was going to shoot at you!” 

“I could have sprung away! Besides, you’re better at this… water war? Water battle? Water activity… uhhh water sp-” 

“Okay okay I got this Spinel!” Steven raised his hand quick, “Water war is good enough. That’s what it is. And today,” He cocked his water gun. “We win, and far not with peace and talks.” 

“Today we’ rude.” Spinel laughed back. 

She sprang down from the staircase, rolling over and sitting up on one knee, pointing her water gun in front of her as if she was a bodyguard shooting off an attack.

"Pew, pew!" She said, pointing her gun to the door as the human girl walked in. 

Spinel's expression got more serious, yet she still held the gun in her direction and pretended to shoot it, making a more realistic sound of a bullet hitting flesh. 

“Ha-push.” 

"Hey… guys? You're going to the water war event?" 

"Hey Connie. Yes, did you want something?" Steven stood before her, while Spinel got off her knees, still holding the gun ready. 

Connie took a deep sigh once more, rehearsing all that she had to say now. She thought a lot about it in the past days. 

"I know I said this a lot before… I'm sorry." 

No one broke the silence she formed, so she kept talking. 

"I've seen you two around the town, but felt… that I couldn't approach you two yet. I messed up a lot. And I felt… I feel a lot of guilt that I caused you two so much trouble."

Spinel stood behind Steven, glaring. Holding the water gun as if it was a real one, and she ready to shoot her at any moment she'd try to step out of line. 

"But I saw you two more and… and I finally realized. You two are so happy together. And I'm… glad for you. I know we" She looked at Steven, "will drift away from each other when I go to space camp, and you stay here with… space ambassador stuff. So I guess I'm glad we got to be close friends while it lasted." 

Finally, Steven smiled at her. 

"I don't think we'll drift apart that much? You can still text me, you know?" 

Spinel stretched her neck and glared at her from behind Steven. She stretched her hand too and gestured cutting a throat. 

"I mean… what for? We probably won't see each other again." Connie spoke surprisingly calmly. "I'm glad we made each other happy. Now she makes you happy. I finally see that. And you make her so very happy too. I'm glad for you too. Hope I will meet someone to love one day too…" 

"I'm sure you will." Steven said, coming closer and reaching his hand to shake hers. 

Connie didn't take his hand. 

"Yeah. So. Have a fun life you two." 

She raised her hand up, as if waving goodbye." 

"Okay?" 

This was a little awkward, and her expression was unreadable, but since she sounded so sincere Steven had no reason to suspect that she came up with yet another evil scheme. 

The two love birds headed out, following the girl. Connie opened the door, as she was already the closest to it. 

"Even though you're so unhealthy." She blurted, heading out. 

Spinel's eyes spiraled. Steven shuddered, facepalming himself and quickly changing his stance to irritated. 

"Connie…" He rubbed his face, exhausted of this. 

"What? Oh, no, no. I'm not going to try to split you guys up anymore. It's none of my business if you two want to be interdependent." 

"I swear if I hear another word with "dependant" in it…" the boy started, but didn't finish the sentence. "Connie, you were just saying goodbye, what's the matter?" 

"No matter! You guys have fun! Bye!" She walked out. 

Connie hurried her step when she heard a pair of squeaky toy shoes catching up to her. She ran down the stairs faster. 

Spinel barely avoided slamming the door open as she hurried out, but was stopped momentarily by a firm hand on her shoulder pad from above. 

She turned around, somewhat scared, looking up to see the owner of the half gloved hand. 

"It won't be the end of it." Garnet said. "Your love can and will work through this, you just have to wait and know what truly matters." 

Spinel subdued. Garnet was a special case to her, and just sometimes she was a little… intimidating. She was a strong protector figure, but sometimes Spinel couldn't help but remember Garnet protecting the Crystal Gems and Steven from her that one time. It may have been months ago, but Spinel still felt bad for it to the present day. 

She calmed down, nodded thankfully, and looked back at Steven, inviting him to go to their planned event. 

Steven gripped the water gun in his hands, then slowly walked after her. 

The mood was ruined. But it was not the worst thing that happened. Steven looked at Spinel rushing forward and calling him over. And he knew he wanted to be closer to her. And he rushed to be closer to her. 

But in the back of his head he thought, _ Are we really bad for each other with this dependency? _

Connie's plan worked. The deed was done. 

The seed of doubt was planted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say Thank You again for all the kind messages that I've been getting on here, and on tumblr. And say that I've been replying to most story-related asks with doodle illustrations and mild spoilers. You can find it all tagged as Over Their Garden on my tumblr main monsterritory, along with some amazing fanart of Pink Calcite and the snake scene, which seems to be the fan favourite.  
Thank you again!! You guys make me so happy, I'm so glad to keep writing for you <3


	10. The Empty Soil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .......Hoo boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Freak the Freak Out from the Victorious OST.

He's been quiet. Unusually quiet. Too quiet. Usually chattering and impatient to tell her more, now Steven has been unusually quiet for a long time. How much time? It felt like an eternity, so Spinel couldn't tell. But she could tell that something was wrong. 

Be it that they simply sat over his bed now, the safe drama free zone of the room, it was still off that they were so quiet. 

"What's wrong?" She asked, reaching to fix a stray batch of hair from his curls. 

Steven grabbed her hand midway. 

"Your hair…"

He let go of her hand, pushing it away from himself. 

"I'm just… thinking…"

_ If this is about what Connie said I am going to murder her. What's wrong Steven? Are you tired of me already? That lasted less than with… no, no, don't think that! He loves you, you can be secure, he won't toss you away!  _

Spinel battled herself to feel safe with Steven, safe and secure that he won't leave her. It was hard for her to reach this point, but with how much time they've been spending together - she was starting, little by little, to let go of her fears. Little by little, baby steps… 

"About what… we've been doing."  _ She doesn't have to know this comes from Connie or she'll think I’ve been brainwashed,  _ "Doing everything together." 

Spinel softened down. 

"Yeah. I like to think of that too. It… makes my gem feel warm. Almost like when we…" 

She leaned over to him, supporting her weight on her hands, as she wanted to kiss him. 

But instead of his lips, she felt a palm against her lips eventually. Steven just held his hand against her mouth to keep her back. 

She leaned back, mildly shocked. And embarrassed. Was that the wrong time?  _ What's going on?  _

"...Steven?" 

She sounded so weak that for a moment he felt bad about it. 

"...Maybe we  _ are _ bad for each other?"

** _NO!!!_ **

"..what?" She asked, smallish. "Wh- what do you mean? Stevie? Is this a cruel prank?" 

_ Please be a joke please be a joke I'll forgive it please just be a joke.  _

"I mean… all the people say… They do have a point. We're inseparable. We… can't be happy away from each other?"

"Of-of course we can't! We love each other and we make each other happy! That's… that's how love works… isn't it?"

The pauses Steven was making while keeping his expression neutral and saddened were the worst. 

"No, it's not that…" He bent down, covering his face, as if considering one last time before… cutting. Then he shot up and looked at her, deciding to be firm and direct about it. 

"We're bad for each other. We need to break up." 

Spinel just blinked at him. 

She had only felt the emotions she was feeling now - once in her life before. When she heard that Pink died. 

This time her silence was bad for Steven. He realized what was to come - explosion, damage, vulnerability, tears, all of that… harm. Self harm? 

She wasn't breaking the silence, hoping that he'll eventually say "Sike!". Hoping that he'll start laughing now and call her ridiculous for low-key believing this. Hoping that this was all a simulation inside the cloud room that she forgot she entered, and the real Steven was waiting outside. Hoping that this was a nightmare that she was about to wake up from. Hoping that she was hallucinating again. Hoping that Pink would appear out of nowhere now and say that everything in her life was a lie - she was ready to face that, and anything much worse. 

Just not the same betrayal twice.

"What do you mean?" She finally whispered. 

_ Hoo boy.  _

"We're unhealthily dependant on each other. It's bad. We can't keep… being this way." 

"So you… want to stop spending time together… because you want to spend time together?" Her eyes darted around in worry and confusion. "What sort of… game is this?"

"Spinel, this isn't a game. Please, don't make this harder than it needs to be."

Steven jumped off his bed. 

He held onto his elbows for comfort. He heard a moving balloon noise - a hand stretched across the room and tugged on his jacket. Their universal sign for "Let me have your jacket." from Spinel. Usually done when she wanted to feel warm, or when she felt unsafe and needed comfort, or when they parted for some time. It always brought her a lot of comfort. 

Steven shooed her hand away. 

"Please, Spinel."

She reeled her hand back, putting her hands down together over her bent knees. 

She felt… in a way that she would not be able to put to words if her life depended on it. Even Spinel herself was surprised that her inner bomb wasn't going off at that. 

Probably because it wasn't sinking in yet. 

"I don't get it." 

Maybe Steven needed to say it in her own language?

"I don't want to play together anymore." 

On second thought, this was not a good way to phrase it. Steven braced for impact, for the "You're just like your mom!", for anything. He was ready for any sort of lash out. 

Just not for silence. 

A soft little "Oh." came from behind. 

He couldn't take it much longer. He turned around, ready to talk this out, while Spinel slowly stepped down to the wooden floor, and turned towards him. 

And then it sunk in. 

The fuse was set. 

"I see… well… that's… rather swell."

"Spinel?"

"No, no, I get it, I get it!" 

Her voice raised, as she held onto her hair, tugging it down. The fuse was nearing the bomb, sparking idly. 

"I get it. Had our fun, but no one said it- it- it was meant to last forever so it's just... not gonna, I guess! I get that!" 

And then it exploded. 

** _"I don't get it!!!"_ **

Steven only stepped back as she shouted. 

"Everything that we did, everything we worked through, every therapy session and every fucking heart to heart talk!"

"Spinel?"

"Was all to break up  _ because  _ we're happy together? Steven, what the fuck?" 

"It's for the best. We need to be healthier!"

"For  _ whom _ ?!"

"For people who care about us!"

"I care about you, doofus! What about it?" 

"It's bad for us. We literally can not separate, this… this is not okay, I've been avoiding some of my friends or not hugging them like I used to because - because I was worried about you reacting badly to it! Yeah, that's bad too! You're always trying to restrict that about me!"

"Oh, now I'm the bad guy?"

"Maybe you are!" Steven was shouting before thinking by now, "Came into my life trying to destroy it but then started to destroy it by… by… by becoming it!" 

Spinel stepped back, not even knowing how to react to that statement. She let go of her hair, revealing that it was going down anyways. 

"I can't focus on… this that way. You can't be my whole life, no matter how much I… want you to… that's not healthy..." 

Steven held onto his stomach with one hand, feeling close to throwing up from all the worry. His free hand was clenched into a fist, as he was trying hard not to cry and failing miserably. 

"It's not healthy… it's not… not for either of us." 

He looked up. Spinel was crying too. 

"Why'd you do that!" She shouted. 

The whole situation was painful. 

"Do what…?"

"Why'd you give me hope?!" She wailed, "Made me believe I found myself and my place and now you're just… taking it all away..." 

"That's the point! You can't base your happiness and who you are on someone else! Even if you love them!" 

"Why not?!"

"Because it's wrong! It's not-"

"If you say "healthy" one more time  _ I swear- _ "

She raised her fist up. Usually Steven knew that he only had to turn the other cheek to avoid it being landed. But this time he summoned his shield. 

"What  _ was  _ I supposed to base myself on?" She continued.

"Not me. I'm sorry-"

The fist landed over his shield, almost pushing Steven down. 

"Don't fucking say you are." 

"But I am! I should have known. You were… spiraling into this." Steven hit his forehead with his wrist, "And I was… enabling you. Just like the diamonds. I'm sor-"

Another fist landed, pushing Steven a meter away from Spinel, as she reeled her enlarged hands back. 

Spinel advanced, landing more hits over his shield. Steven knew somewhere deep inside that she didn’t want to hurt him, she just wanted to be mad. But it was getting hard to believe it when she seemingly tried to demolish his shield, all while screaming and crying her soul out. 

Steven only shielded further, building more mental walls against her. 

_ For the best, for the best, for the health, for her health…  _

Spinel raged until her mental powers gave out. But instead of the usual explosion-vulnerability, something else and entirely new was happening to her mentality. 

It was shattering. 

She built herself a perfect little world in a pink bubble where she was perfect for Steven. And now that he was gone - he wasn’t even gone but he wanted to be gone for her - she had… nothing. Emptiness inside of her, a hole where her heart would have been. Just like when she ripped it out of herself in her first attempt. Or when she fell onto the fence that was meant to shatter her, knowingly. 

But this hurt much worse. 

She stopped punching the shield, now placing her hands on it, still crying. Her love - her life - was right there, looking back at her through the walls he built, crying about it too!!! And just… not letting her in anymore. Nothing stood between them, just Steven’s shield, just Steven himself. 

Spinel fell to the floor, shaking. Just like she did when Steven refused to believe her in front of the Diamonds. 

“Why are you doing this to me?” She whined, “I gave you my heart I asked you to hold it…” 

“You need to learn to hold it yourself. For your own good.” He became a little less tense at her. Just a little. 

“I don’ need anythin’ for me…” 

“That’s the problem. You should.” 

“I don’ wan’...” She bent down, still crying it all out. 

In Steven’s mind, this was bad. This was awful. This is what he drove her to. Maybe he just didn’t need to break up with her? Then this wouldn’t happen. But wouldn’t it… still be there? Her dependency. What if this would happen later, for any other reason? Would it be worse? Spinel had to learn to exist for herself alone, no matter how much Steven just wanted to be with her. 

That’s what he told himself. 

Was he right? 

Spinel wasn’t quieting down, every time that she tried to - a new wave of tears came crashing her, as she realised that things wouldn’t be the same, and she could not just go and seek Steven’s comfort from this nightmare. And Steven just stood there, telling himself that he wasn’t doing the same mistake - he was doing the right thing. He wanted to believe that he was. But then why did it hurt so much?

For Spinel, she slowly felt a paralyzing numbness take over her and push her rage aside. Suddenly she was empty. Hollow. Her gem was cold, her world shattered. Or was it the other way around? She couldn't tell. She didn't want to tell, she didn't care. Didn't want to care about anything - she just wanted to die right now, to stop living this nightmare. 

Of course. It was all too good to be true. Just when she told herself she can trust and love again… 

No. She was right all along. There is no security, no comfort, no safety. And there will never be for her. 

She was not allowed to be happy. 

Finally, after a good while, Spinel stopped crying. Was that the vulnerability part? 

“Alright…” She whispered, with tension in her voice, before repeating more firmly “ _ Alright _ .” 

She sat up, placing her hands on her knees as she stood up. Her face still had tears streaming down the long ago ruined mascara, and it portrayed no good emotions. She still seemed mad. 

“Alright.” She turned away from him. 

Steven suddenly really wanted to say “I’m sorry.” 

“Spinel?” 

“Alright!” She was speaking through her clasped teeth, trying not to scream so that Steven could hear what was she saying. “You want a break up - you get a break up. That’s it! That’s all! Finita la commedia! I’m done! Goodbye.” 

She turned towards the exit of the room, and headed there. Her shoes weren’t making squeaky toy noises. Was she in control of that? 

“Is everything… okay?..”

“No!” She turned around - or rather stretched the upper part of her body to turn around at the boy. "No, nothing is okay about this! But fine, whatever! I lived 6000 years forgotten by everyone, I can do it again!" 

Worry set inside of Steven. Was she going to…? 

Spinel kept trying to exit the room - then she felt the unpredictable. She felt Steven run up to her and tug her hand from behind. 

It took all of her willpower not to imprint him into the other wall at that moment. 

"Let go." 

"I don't want you to harm-"

" _ Let. Go. _ " She shook him off, causing the boy to collapse on the floor. 

"You chose to let go of me - there you have it. I don't want to see you anymore. I'm not gonna try and shatter or poof myself again, or destroy your planet.  _ This time _ I won't." 

Somehow he didn't expect this turnaround, but at this point Steven wasn't sure what did he expect or want to happen at all. 

"Turns out this isn't for me after all. But I always suspected, you know? I didn't have a single damn day go by when I didn't fear you leaving me. Guess I was right after all!  _ Thanks! _ " 

She walked up the flight of stairs, and soon Steven heard her teleport away. 

He kept sitting down on the floor for some time. Quietly wondering if he truly did the right thing, if he should have done it differently? Somehow he didn't expect that she'd let go of him. Was it really for the better, where did she even go? 

Only time would tell what happens next. 

Steven took out his phone. How it hasn't cracked with Spinel trying to beat him up at least once a week was a mystery. One day she could… oh right, she just left. 

Steven typed and sent a single message. 

"your plan worked. hope you're happy" 

~ ~ ~ 

"Wonder what that means." 

Connie shrugged, placing her phone down after reading a message on it, as she munched on the cafeteria food. It was a sunny day at the space camp, things were looking up for her. 

"You got place here?" Some girl asked her, wanting to sit at the same table. 

"Sure, lemme just…" 

Connie grabbed her sword and moved it over, freeing space. 

"Thanks. Is that like a prop?" Asked the girl, sitting down next to her. 

"Oh, no it's not. I think I'll have to return it though." Connie pondered. 

"Like, it's for a cosplay, yeah? It's the size of you." 

"Yeah. I mean, it's not a cosplay thing. It's a real sword. I wield it. I guess I'll just leave it to the lion next time." 

"Lion?" 

"Yeah, it's sort of a pet to me. Well he lets me ride him and store things in his mane." She stuck the fork into the food again, prepping her head on her hand. 

The short haired girl next to her opened her mouth in shock. Then she gathered her thoughts, asking straight forward and not straight at all, 

"Are you single?" 

~ ~ ~ 

Garnet stepped down from the warp pad, carefully walking along the gardening tools that Steven and Spinel had left all over their garden. 

It was their Garden, but without the proper care the flowers would wilt very soon. And she knew that. 

Garnet made her way through the thorny bushes of roses, stopping next to the two particularly big ones and shoving them apart, revealing a small hidden fuchsia gem that was curled up and crying. She knew she'd find her here. 

Spinel held her knees to her chest, and ran her hands around herself a few times, as if trying to cover away from the world. She glanced up momentarily when Garnet found her, quickly registering that it wasn't Steven, so she would not even bother to get up from where she was or shift her pose. 

"You were wrong. We didn't get through this." 

"Do you really think that's the end of it?" 

"Why wouldn't it be. We're… apparently bad for each other  _ because  _ we're happy together… I don't get it… but it makes sense to him, and… I can't force him to love me…" Spinel felt a jolt of shivers as her tears threatened to pour again, "I w-want him to be… happy…" 

She covered her face. It was a wonder how could one little gem contain so much liquid that now poured out down her face. 

"Love takes time to work through things together." Garnet got down on her knees next to her, keeping the bushes open.

"What love? He doesn't... want to be together. What's there to work out if it's… over?"

"Nothing is ever over forever." Garnet reached her hand towards Spinel. The small gem looked the other way, "Neither is our own friendship. Spinel, I didn't hate you the moment I got my memories back. And I don't hate you now. I never did. Sadie Killer is playing tonight, and if you want proof that things can change and stay the same at the same time - I invite you to go to a rock show with me." 

She kept her hand and the offer up. It took a good while before Spinel even looked at her. Garnet's soft well-wishing smile was met with a look of hopelessness and pain. But Spinel eventually took her hand. 

As she followed Garnet out of the garden - she blamed herself. Spinel held herself for some sort of comfort, every single voice in her head saying that she was making the same mistake. She was hoping to find some sort of security with her. And she hated herself for it not even being a few hours since her last comfort person broke her heart. 

Was that her fate, ultimately? For people to toy with her feelings and leave her? 

She stepped onto the warp pad thinking so. 

It's just that she felt too numb to care that she was probably getting herself used by someone all over again. She didn't care. She wanted something - anything to take her mind off this numbing pain that was making the world feel grey around her. But even Garnet's presence wasn't working, neither was her hand on Spinel's shoulder doing anything for her, as they warped away. 

~ 

Sadie really did perform that night, but she took requests rather than showcase new songs. Garnet whispered something to her, then made her way over to Spinel. 

Spinel barely registered where she was. Flashing lights and people holding glowsticks and moving in sharp motions around her, as some sort of filler song played. They were drinking and screaming along the words of the songs, dancing happily and living a happy life. This was awful. Why were they so happy, why were they all allowed to be happy while Spinel was so sad and helpless? 

Garnet made her way through the crowd and stood next to her, as the new song started playing. 

"Just let the rhythm take you." She hinted, tapping her feet to the growing rhythm. 

Sadie held her microphone tight on the stage, "This ones goes out to the ultimate best friend!" She said vaguely. 

_ Are you listening? _

_ Hear me talk. Hear me sing. _

_ Open up the door, _

_ Is it less, is it more? _

Spinel just stared at Garnet, who was dancing in a strict and almost robotic fashion, her movements synchronised with the rhythm of the song. 

_ When you tell me to beware, _

_ Are you here? Are you there? _

_ Is it something I should know? _

_ Easy come, easy go. _

She felt awkward leaving Garnet out, now that everyone else stepped back and it was the two of them in the middle of the dancefloor, so she let herself tap her feet to the song and bounce up and down, mildly. Just to get the feeling of the rhythm… 

_ Nodding your head, _

_ Don't hear a word I said _

_ I can't communicate, when you wait, don't relate _

Something about the words she sang… struck a chord on Spinel's heartstrings. She started to sway her hands up and around, just like the people around did. 

_ I try to talk to you _

_ But you never even knew, _

The people around... were dancing chaotically, each doing their own moves they knew, or just came up with on the fly.

_ So what's it gonna be? _

So maybe she could let go too?

_ Tell me can you hear me? _

The beat dropped, and Spinel unhinged. 

_ I'm so sick of it, _

_ Your attention deficit _

_ Never listen, never listen. _

_ I'm so sick of it, _

_ So I'll throw another fit. _

_ Never listen, never listen. _

Garnet fastened her own dance, while she saw Spinel twist and swing all around the dancefloor. No wonder she danced twister somewhere in there, everything about her resembled early cartoons of 30's. And Garnet knew of those.

_ I scream your name, _

_ It always stays the same. _

She reached her hand, hooking it around Spinel's own, as they circled each other, wiggling a finger up on each side, 

_ I scream and shout, _

_ So what I'm gonna do now _

_ Is freak the fuck out, hey! _

Sadie sang and showcased her voice, deep inside feeling so happy that she got to perform one of her favourite childhood songs on stage now. She watched the two gems dance. At first they started out dancing each their own, but as she sang, their movements became more and more synchronised. 

_ Patience running thin, _

_ Running thin, come again _

_ Tell me what I get _

_ Opposite, opposite. _

Spinel let go of Garnet's elbow hook, but kept her hand holding onto her own, letting the bigger gem support her as she leaned all the way back, till she was looking at people around upside down. 

_ Show me what is real _

_ If it breaks does it heal? _

_ Open up your ear _

_ Why you think that I'm here? _

It still hurt and the world was grey. But… suddenly she felt… lighter. Easier. She was here. And be it that Steven… was never coming back - she was here now. Dancing. Garnet was smiling at her. 

_ Keep me in the dark _

_ Are you even thinking of me? _

_ Is someone else above me _

_ Gotta know, gotta know _

Garnet raised her back up, connecting both of their hands as she brought her closer and spun around. And then both leaned back, holding onto each other to support each other. 

Spine wished she was doing it with Steven. 

But then… she smiled mildly. 

_ What am I gonna do? _

_ 'Cause I can't get through to you _

Steven let go of her. 

_ So what's it gonna be? _

And Garnet was here, holding her, suddenly bringing her closer and...

_ Tell me can you hear me? _

There was a bright flash of light.

_ (Can you hear me?) _

A new gem formed. Three eyes, two legs, four arms, and two hearts, one filled with love and one with pain. 

_ I'm so sick of it, _

_ Your attention deficit _

_ Never listen, never listen. _

And it danced to the beat like nothing happened, although the movements were far more unsynchronised. As if two people tried to move in a single costume awkwardly. 

_ I'm so sick of it, _

_ So I'll throw another fit. _

_ Never listen, never listen. _

Things became blurry in the fusion’s eyes. She stepped back, freeing the dancefloor that she stood tall above, and holding onto her head with her two lower, much more noodlier arms. 

_ I scream your name, _

_ It always stays the same. _

The tall fusion sat down and hid her head down, closing her eyes, going deep inside. The music slowly faded. 

_ I scream and shout, _

_ So what I'm gonna do now _

_ Is freak the fuck out…  _

Spinel jerked her head up, still holding onto it, suddenly in complete silence, with very faint sounds of the song playing in the background of this place… where was she? 

She looked around. It was an endlessly empty space, painted with blue and some red shades. Garnet was there, sitting with her legs crossed, and her hands held together. 

And the two weren’t really alone. There were butterflies, shining butterflies. And they all circled the two, some of them landing over Spinel and even trying to blur her vision further. She found it hard to breath. 

“Just breathe. Slow, in and out. They can’t hurt you. Nothing can here.” 

“I know.” She replied knowingly, as she’s been in this fusion-mindspace before, closing her eyes shut, “I know it can’t here, but… but it can! At any moment, when and where I least expect it! I was…” She sobbed, “I was trying so hard to feel safe again… to love again, to trust again… I just couldn’t! I felt pain that I tried to drown out every single day! Pain of the fears that he was going to leave me behind, I feared it, I knew it could happen - and I still wasn’t ready!” 

“What do you want to do now, Spinel?” 

Garnet reached her hand out, letting some butterflies sit on it. 

Spinel knew the answer to that all too well, but she gathered her thoughts before replying, now sobbing less, although still pained by her own words, 

“I just want to be with Steven and make him happy. He’s… so good, so wonderful. I just want to be making him happy all the time… Nothing else.”

“What about you?”

“Nothing about me.” 

“He loves you.”

“I don’t think so.”

“He does. And he cares about you, just like you care about him. And he wants you to be happy too.”

“He makes… made me happy.” 

“And he wants you to have more than just himself. He wants you to have a full happy life too. Don’t you feel the same?” 

Spinel couldn’t lie, not in here, not to Garnet. More butterflies sat on and around her. 

“No. I want him all to myself.” 

“But you know the world makes him happy. His life, his friends, his family.” 

“Yes…”

“And you want him happy.”

“Yes…….”

“Would he be happy away from it all?”

“No…” 

“Spinel.” 

She wasn’t looking at Garnet. 

“You can make him happy, and be with him - _ while _ he has his own life too, and you have your own. You can still belong together while you are apart.” She knew that all too well. 

The pink gem shifted her expression, looking up in doubt.

“And he won’t want to be with anyone else, even if he meets new gems and people, and life forms. Because love isn’t about going for “the best”. It’s about going for the one meant for you, and the one you’re meant for. So long you have this bond - nothing will ever break it.”

“But- but he just broke it!” 

“Is it broken though?” Garnet smiled, knowingly. “Did you stop loving him?”

“No.” 

“Do you think he no longer loves you? Do you really believe he does not?” 

Spinel stayed quiet. 

“Let him go. If he’s meant for you - he’ll come back to you. And if he doesn’t - then he wasn’t the one.”

“What if he doesn’t?” She asked in a defeated tone. 

“Do you believe that he won’t?” 

Spinel replied nothing. She sat up to mirror Garnet’s pose, and uttered two words. 

“Thank you.” 

Garnet smiled at her, putting her glasses away. Facing her eye to eyes. 

“Now. Let’s let Rubellite have a fun night out there, can we?” 

Spinel nodded, closed her eyes and concentrated… 

_ Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh! _

Rubellite got up from her knees and let go of her head. The gem looked at herself, seeing the reflections of herself in the mirrors and shiny surfaces around. 

Her hair and her shades had a form of a heart. So did her shoulder pads, from which two strong Garnet’s-like hands came out of. Her second set of hands came out lower on her body, and they resembled Spinel’s hands much more. Down her torso a seemingly tunic that separated into blue and red colours fell over wide hips, supported by two strong legs with pointy shoes. Rubellite was only a little bit taller than Garnet. The three eyes darted around curiously. The top and lower left eye seemed to follow the same direction, while the third one went awry. 

The fusion picked up on the beat and continued to dance, experiencing herself and her bond of friendship for the rest of the night. 

_ I scream your name, _

_ It always stays the same. _

_ I scream and shout, _

_ So what I'm gonna do now _

_ Is freak the fuck out, hey! _

~ ~ ~ 

The two gems headed out of the club, looking up at the starry sky. 

“Thank you again.” Spinel said, holding her hands together and fidgeting awkwardly. 

“That’s what friends do. You can come here and see me anytime you want to, know that.” 

Spinel was about to say that she was going away now, so she realised Garnet saw that coming and replied ahead. Talking to someone who knows what you’re about to say sure is an experience. 

“Also.” 

Spinel waited, to see if Garnet would reply right away again. It seems Garnet saw too many different possibilities to see where Spinel was going with this now. 

“Please. Don’t tell anyone about…”

“I won’t.” Garnet replied at first, “But I don’t promise to keep it that way if your health will depend on it.” 

That was vague, and the word “health” made Spinel shudder. But she thanked Garnet and headed off, to the Little Homeworld. To use the warp in there to get home, rather than risk walking past Steven to get home. 

Home… Homeworld wasn't her home, it didn't feel like her home. She just had a place to live there - a room. 

She walked slowly in the dark of the night, holding onto herself. “Healthy”? Was she not healthy for Steven? Was she really bad for him all along? She faced the hard question of whether she wanted him to be happy, or she really wanted him all to herself - to be happy herself. 

Spinel stopped in place. 

“Oh.” 

All that time she thought she was obsessed and would rather die than lose Steven - and she still wanted to die now. 

But what she didn’t want was to make him sad. She could have stormed in and steal him and take him away where he’d be all hers, like she dreamt of… But now, actually faced with the situation she dreaded and possibilities to do it all - she didn’t want to. 

She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to make him sad. To have him crying to go home at the cost of being her own. Be it that he no longer needed her - she wanted him happy  _ more  _ than she wanted him - all to herself. 

She fell to her knees. It only took to lose it all to discover that wasn’t the monster she always thought she was.

~ ~ ~ 

“Oh, Spinel? You’re back already?” White Diamond said in a happy tone. “What about Steven, will he come to visit you and stay here next?” 

Spinel only squinted her eyes at her, exhausted, slowly making her way towards her room. Her hands dragged behind her on the floor helplessly. 

Her room, Pink’s room, Steven’s room. Who cares? She let the pebbles keep it as a mirror image of Steven’s room, spare for one installed difference. The Diamonds got her a new soft bed in the shape of her gem - of a heart. It was placed where Steven's bed used to be. They let her have soft pink pillows and blankets on it too - to mirror Steven’s need for nightly comfort. Spinel had no need for it - she didn’t sleep. Although she did relish chilling up there sometimes. 

She saw Pink Pearl on her way to her room. 

“Did Pink have enough playing with you?” 

Spinel had no energy for this. None to correct her and tell her that Pink was gone, none to note that it seemingly was true and cut her deep. She just walked by her, launching herself up onto the upper floor and flopping down on the soft pink bed, letting her limbs loose and spill all around like a knocked over bowl of spaghetti. 

Pink Pearl left her alone. But Spinel wasn’t left alone for too long this time - Blue and Yellow Pearls came over right as she thought she could finally stay alone and cry her eyes out where no one saw her. She even started to, letting her black mascara ruin the pink sheets and pillows. 

“What’d happen?” Asked Yellow Pearl, jumping up on her bed along with Blue Pearl. 

"I don't wanna talk about it…" Spinel replied, burying her head into the silky blanket. 

The two pearls exchanged a look. Yellow carefully reached for the beginning of Spinel's ponytail - and tugged it to undo the ostensible ribbon that held it together. Usually Spinel would not be very excited to let anyone touch her or her hair, but right now she could not care less. Her limbs were already sprawled all over the place, although she felt Blue Pearl collect them up and tuck up to her nicely. She reeled her limbs back, gaining her usual proportions again, and crossing her hands around her hidden head, as she let her hair down. Two pigtails morphed into a solid hair from her head and fell down. 

Yellow exchanged a look with Blue. They sat each by Spinel's side, separating her hair into two parts at first, then splitting that into three equal batches and braiding them. 

Under normal circumstances Spinel would have given it a lot of thought right away. Her whole body was marked as a red No Touchy zone, especially for anyone who wasn't Steven. But those two… Two little Pearls wouldn't be able to harm her from her back, she concluded, willing herself to relax somewhat. Then she tried to care again. They barely knew her, but this wasn't the first time they hanged out around her, like they were… friends. She felt her face turn red a little, as she felt Blue ran her fingers through the roots of her hair, gathering more and splitting it into measured parts she was about to braid.

"Did the Earthlings hurt you?" Yellow Pearl tried to tease her. 

"I think we should let her tell us when she wants to. No pressure." 

"Eh. Whatever." 

Blue and Yellow pearls were known for their borderline romantic relationship that had lasted for millennias. Rumour had it they were very much romantic with each other when no one else saw them. And they had an open relationship too - they had invited Pink Pearl in to be surrounded by love now that she needed support more than ever. And the invitation was always open for Pink's last Pearl, but she never even considered. If only she didn't act like she was "above them" for wearing pants. 

"You know, we've asked Pearl to join us before." Yellow hummed while she braided Spinel's hair, "If only she wasn't acting like she's "above us" for wearing pants." 

"She sure does… wear pants." Spinel attempted to communicate. She knew she couldn't isolate, not now, although she wanted to. 

"And Pip. But she's been spiraling lately." 

"She's been getting worse with each solar rotation." Blue Pearl continued. 

"Each planetary rotation lately. Have you noticed? She put on some pants." 

"She did?" 

"Yeah, didn't you see her?" 

"I think so… she asked something about Pink…" 

"That's the problem." Blue whispered in a concerned tone, "She's starting to think that Pink is still around. She put on pants that resemble Pink's ones." 

"Why don't'cha give her a therapy?" Spinel shifted her pose, finally raising her head from having it buried in the sheets. She raised her legs from behind, letting them sway in the air. 

"We tried. I mean, I think we're decent enough at ourselves to be helping others at it. Look at me, it's been two and a half solar rotations, and I now know that my feelings are relevant." 

"And I draw so much better." 

"And we love being free! But it's different for Pip. She's…" 

"She recently asked if Pink left her because she wasn't good enough for her." 

Spinel turned her head at Blue Pearl rapidly, causing both Pearls to lose what they were braiding. They were almost done anyways. 

"Luckily, we had an idea." Yellow leaned on her hand, and gestured with the other one, like a diva, "An episode of our talk show dedicated to the victims of Pink Diamond!"

"_Previous_ Pink Diamond." 

"And you are just what we need for it, besides Pip. I'm sure it'll make her feel better if she sees that she's not alone." 

So they had a use for Spinel. But… it sounded like they also offered her help. 

"We can even get Steven in it, I bet he has a lot of pain that he inherited from-"

"No!" 

The two Pearls leaned back, as Spinel sat up.

"I mean… fine, I'll come to your show, but no Steven there. He won't want to be there anyways." 

"How come?" 

Spinel really didn't want to answer. Or rehearse the pain again. Yet she'd be lying if she said she wasn't still hurt and doing her best to suppress that pain, and all those desires to shout about being hurt by Pink  _ and  _ Steven. 

"He… doesn't want to see me." 

"Jee, what'd you have to do to make him not want to see you? He befriends like everything that tries to kill him." 

Spinel chuckled in a clearly fake way, "I did worse! I made him happy." 

The two didn't get the joke. 

"When's your show?"

"It airs right after Keeping Up With Zicrons today. So in a good while from now on, I'd say."

"Let us show you what changed while you were on Earth." Suggested Blue Pearl, "I've drawn you a few times." 

She summoned her little blue pad with drawings. 

"They're sketches, but here. It's… fanart for some of the tricks you've shown us." 

Spinel took the blue pad into her hands, swiping through the illustrations of her doing handstands, stretching out for jokes, and juggling. Something about that… made her feel. It made her feel emotions yet again. First the comfort of their presence, now the drawings that made her… smile. Blue Pearl took her time and thought of her and her actions as she drew that. It was… heartwarming. 

Spinel sobbed. 

"I'm so sorry, is it that bad?" Blue held her hands together in worry.

"No, sorry, they're wonderful, I'm just so touched…" 

It was half true. Half of Spinel was crying because it touched her deeply that she was so appreciated by the two. The other half wished Steven would have drawn her. 

Steven… 

Spinel cried more, dropping the pad onto the bed and bending over, succumbing to another crying attack. 

"What's wrong?" 

"You don't look like you're crying happy?" 

"He left me…" Spinel sobbed. "He said he doesn't want to see me anymore!" 

"Pfft. That's all? My Diamond tells me that all the time now." Yellow Pearl tried to make her feel better. 

Unsuccessfully. 

"Nooo, it's not like that… we spent so long together… we… we…" she gripped the sheets. "And then he just told me to leave…"

Blue Pearl pet her back, while Yellow patted her shoulder. 

"There, there. Surely he wouldn't leave you forever. Look at yourself. You're wonderful. Who wouldn't want you around?"

"We'd accept you in if you wanted." 

"And we don't say that to anyone often." 

Why were they nice? Why were they nice to her? They knew nothing of her evil deeds, they didn't have to fear her destroying the planet or herself. Then what did they comfort her for? She couldn't get it. 

But she accepted it. She longed for any comfort she could get now. 

Blue Pearl wiped a tear off Spinel's face with a thumb. 

"Let's help you look better for the show, and we can fetch Pip while we're at it." Blue Pearl smiled reassuringly, holding her hands down. 

"Yeah. We'll… need your help. She hasn't exactly been down to communicate lately, we might not do without your abilities to stretch and catch." Yellow Pearl chuckled about something she knew. 

Spinel nodded. She could do that. 

~ ~ ~

"Lapis and Spinel wouldn't fuse well." 

Garnet voiced that out of nowhere, sitting down on the couch back at home. Pearl, who was going through organizing her saved phone numbers, asked without raising her head from the papers, 

"How so?" 

"They have the same problem with fusing."

"Problem?" Pearl raised her head. 

"Malachite never formed a personality because Lapis did not in the slightest trust Jasper. In the case of that - a fusion serves like a vessel for two or more gems to control." 

"That's true, but what does that have to do with the two? Do you think Spinel doesn't trust Lapis? Why would they even fuse?" 

"It's not that they will. It's that Spinel doesn't fuse. Even with me she did not let her guard down, and Rubellite came out without her own personality. The mindspace was very vivid." 

"So then…" Pearl placed down the pencil she was holding, now meaning business as she asked, "Pink Calcite…?"

"Isn't a fusion. It's their trench coat. No wonder the two sets of eyes always looked in the different directions." 

Pearl leaned back in the couch, crossing her hands and looking concerned. 

"I didn't think Spinel still had it that bad." 

"No one did. But she's still unstable and insecure." 

"There's hoping for Steven to heal her from it. He did pull all three of us from being insecure, dependant, obsessed…"

She made a pause. The floor creaked above. 

"We need to ask Steven if Spinel's alright." 

"We broke up, remember?" 

The two looked up at the boy on the staircase. 

"For how long did you stand there?" 

"I got here just now. I don't know where Spinel is…" 

Steven looked worse for the wear as he stepped down. This break up wasn't affecting him in any good way. 

"You still haven't made up?" Pearl asked, concerned. 

"What? No, and we won't." Steven crossed and uncrossed his hands, shooing away the very idea of that happening, "We weren't good for each other…" 

He almost asked them if he was right. 

Pearl and Garnet exchanged looks. 

"He has to figure this out on his own." 

Garnet said what Steven needed to hear, but not what he wanted. He wanted any sort of guidance. And at the same time didn't know whom could he ever trust about it. 

He made his way outside. It was a shining morning, and the day was going to be fine. He smiled. Now he'll go wake up Spinel and… oh right, she's gone. 

He frowned. This would take some getting used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything you'd like to yell at me about I'll be waiting over at tumblr monsterritory as always.  
The fusion illustration can also be found there.  



	11. The Wilted Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now we see how Steven handles it. Or rather, how he doesn't.  
We take another brief stop at the Smut City - don't forget that it's a part of the story, and we will eventually have it mean more and be described in more details. Eventually.  
We also get another glance at Pip, at Jasper, and at Connie.

Okay. He can do this. After all, that's what Steven wanted. He was not unhealthily attached now. Okay. He was on his own now. 

Steven stood outside his house. Alright, what did he have to do now? He was planning to go to the town and show Spinel the… oh right, she's gone. 

What did he even do before she came into his life? Steven was shocked to realise he couldn't remember. He never planned that far out, somehow he didn't connect that letting Spinel go would actually mean living without her. 

Well. What _ did _he do? He had his other friends, right. Well he already saw Pearl and Garnet today, so… 

Steven looked at the Little Homeworld in the distance. 

~ ~ ~ 

Right, so this was really cool. He would get to hug his friends with no fear of Spinel’s inner bomb setting off! There goes Peridot, running towards him happily! Aww, yeah! There Steven goes, hugging her, lifting her up and twirling around, and telling her he’s glad to see her. 

Then he puts her down and she runs off, to carry on with her daily matters of building the Little Homeworld. 

Well. There was the fun hug part. And now Steven was alone again… Was it worth the price?

Steven shook his head. Alright, concentrate. _ This is all because you’ve been unhealthily attached for the past two or so weeks. You’re free now. Just need to get the hang of things again. _ Right, so he’ll turn around now, call Spinel over, and then go to… oh right, she’s gone. 

Steven strolled through the town, watching the gems each do their part of building a new home on Earth. He joined in their talks and helped them here and there. The Heaven and Earth beetles (were they meant to be addressed as beetles now?) sure loved to see him. They talked all about the citizens of the New Homeworld, and how happy they were to be back doing what they were meant for, whatever that was. But the only thing Steven really remembered about their talk was how they kept holding hands together and laughing, and as he walked away from them he saw one kiss the other on the cheek. 

Were the gems around always so… lovey dovey with each other? Or was it always there, waiting to show once he'd stay alone himself? 

The sun was high up. It wasn't even noon yet, and there was nothing to do. No one to show the places around to and no one to tell about little human things. And no one's hand to hold… 

The boy clenched his fists, neatly hidden in the pockets of his organic jacket. At least he got to keep his jacket on at any time now. Was it worth it? 

~ ~ ~ 

It must have been an eternity and the clock must have been broken. It couldn't have only been a single hour that took Steven to walk through the whole Beach City and back again. Why did the time suddenly slow down so much, why did every second feel so long? 

Is that how time felt when Spinel stood in the Garden? 

Spinel… 

No, he could not be thinking of her now… but he probably should have. 

Steven sat down on the bench, putting one leg over the other. So, they were together, inseparable. They shared everything. Any thought, a breath, a few kisses. An awkward moment (Oh gosh, did Steven basically dump her after a one night stand?), a heart to heart… several of those. And it always felt so… pleasant. When he'd just get to tell her how he felt and about her and comfort her. It was so nice to feel and see that he was making _ a change _ for her. To be longed for - oh how she longed for him, sometimes wrapping her whole self around him and giggling as the sense of security would wash over both of them… 

Steven chuckled, remembering the cutest moments they shared… and then he stopped laughing. No, it was wrong… but, then why did it feel so good? He leaned forward, holding onto his head. It was wrong to be with her like that, that's what everyone around said! So why'd he feel so good with her and thinking of her now? 

Actually, now that he thought of it… the happy memories gained a sad tint in his eyes.

She was laughing with him. And now she was gone. She held his hand and was so excited just to be there with him. And now she was gone. She always found a way to cheer him up when he felt down himself. And now she was gone. She loved him and now… 

She's gone. 

Steven held onto his head tighter, taking a moment to wipe the small tears that threatened to pour down his face. 

This couldn't be right. Something was wrong. Was it what he did or what they did together? He was so happy with her, was that wrong? Was he not supposed to? What'd they do, they played and laughed and kissed and cuddled. Was that bad? 

No, no it wasn't! Then why did it feel so wrong, and why… did it feel so sad to think about now? 

Because it was never coming back! 

Steven shot up and hurried home. He needed the security of being alone right now…

~ ~ ~ 

The security of being all alone so he could cry his eyes out. 

Steven laid on his bed, curled in a fetal position, holding onto the pillow in his hands and crying into it. It served as a good soundproof device. 

What was this? Why did he just want to cry and why did he already want her back? 

This was probably the problem. The unhealthy part. He was dependant on her. So then… maybe he should have set off and go looking for her and beg her to be with him again? Where would he even look for her? Was that right? 

Steven held onto the pillow tighter. No, this wasn't okay. Was this love? It could be, it felt more like a loss. 

He just had to make it through this part here. To stop being dependant on her. To live without her, oh he did not want to… 

Steven sat up. 

_ Get yourself together! _

But he quickly returned to crying, feeling another surge of tears coming forth. 

That's fine. It hurt like hell, but it would be fine eventually. He'll cry his eyes all out now, and feel better and lighter later. That’s what happens when you let yourself cry it all out. Right. He’ll get there. For now, he'll cry… 

~ ~ ~ 

"And today we are airing a new program. A special one - a support group type of meeting for…" Yellow Pearl held a dramatic pause, pressing the buttons that played a drum roll for them, "The victims of the previous Pink Diamond! Woohoo, let's hear it out for Pink Pearl and a Spinel!" 

The gem audience clapped at the two pink gems who sat over pink cushions. 

Blue Pearl took charge, 

"For those new here we remind that by "previous Pink Diamond" we mean the one who died with the beginning of Era 2, presumably shattered by a Rose Quartz soldier. The war mystery is still not unraveled completely… but it should be known that this Pink Diamond had nothing to do with Steven the Pink Diamond of Era 3." 

"Indeed. Now, let's hear whom have we here today." Yellow grabbed a diamond shaped microphone and made her way to the two pink gems, sitting up behind their chairs and posing dramatically, as she shoved the microphone towards Pink Pearl and asked, 

"Identify yourself." 

"Uhm, Pink Pearl. Custody of Pink Diamond. I go by Pip." 

"Is that whose clothing style you're trying to resemble with your… attire?" 

Yellow glanced down, seeing that Pink Pearl had copied the whole lower part of Pink Diamond's attire by now. 

"I must look better for my Diamond." She gave a brief Diamond salute. 

"Ma'am, are you aware she's gone?" Was asked of her out of nowhere. 

Pip looked mortified, as if she was just deeply offended with a three roof insult of her non existent ancestors. She knocked the microphone out of Yellow's hand. 

Every gem held the breaths they didn't need. 

Spinel stretched her hand, picking the microphone up and giving it back to Yellow Pearl. Yellow twirled around and sat down facing Spinel now. 

"Aaanyways. Identify yourself." 

"Spinel. A best friend…" 

_ Trans? Steven's best friend? Donut enthusiast? _

"So, tell me, Spinel. What purpose were you made for?"

"I was gifted to Pink Diamond-"

"_ Previous _Pink Diamond," interrupted Blue Pearl. 

Spinel glared. 

"I was gifted to the previous Pink Diamond along with a beautiful garden. It was… meant to be a special place where I played a role of her… best friend."

"Mhm, mhm, and how'd that make you feel?" 

"Well it… made me feel…" Spinel paused, at a loss of a word for it. 

She used to be happy with Pink. But… was it true? Was it a true happiness or just in her head, in her blind little mind? 

Seeing that she wasn't replying, Yellow carried on, 

"And what did she do to you?" 

This time Spinel knew what to say, as she instantly grabbed the microphone from her hand and brought it closer, along with Yellow's hand, causing the latter to bend forward to keep her balance, 

"She left me to play a little game while she lived a whole damn life." 

"What game was that?"

"The game of standing still for 6000 thousand years and waiting for her to come back." 

Spinel felt that she was heating up in sense of her anger. Nearby, Pip closed her ears, trying to ignore her words. 

"But plot twist to the story: I was never meant to win! She just died, never questioning what would happen to me. She died hoping I would rot away with the Garden. She died knowing that she'll never see me again. She died having moved on without me, just like, just like-" her voice trembled. 

Pip jumped up from her seat, grabbing the microphone away, 

"Just shut up, will you? You're not the only one she left! And you're not the most important to her either!" 

After a momentary shock, Spinel growled, standing up to face off Pip. But Pip had no intention to fight - she just fell to the floor, clutching the microphone, crying her soul out. 

"And now uh a drawing lesson. Open your pads…" Blue Pearl dragged some switches and pushed some buttons, replacing the main camera with the one that was focused on her and her drawing pad. 

"Today we'll learn perspective. So, pick a dot anywhere on the board, and draw some straight lines coming from it…" 

Blue muted the rest of the room while she was at it, giving Yellow and Spinel some time to make Pink Pearl calm down and let go of the microphone. 

Pip cried, cried loudly, holding onto the object in her hands and cursing everyone to leave her alone. While Yellow tried her best to somewhat soothe her - Spinel could only stand and watch. Is that how she looked, crying over losing Steven? 

Steven… 

Spinel held onto her gem. He wasn't here, he was never coming back. Why was it getting dark in the room all of a sudden? 

Oh no. Oh no… 

Spinel slid down to her knees. _ Just breathe. _ She could do this. She could handle it. She was hyperventilating. She was doing it and she couldn't stop herself. But she had to. For… for whom? Steven wasn't coming back to her, so for whom? **For herself.** Garnet said to care about herself… but Garnet wasn't here now. 

Then who, who was there for her now?... 

Spinel was. She was there on her own, in a room filled with gems, all alone. 

She clenched her fists. So to hell with being needed and loved and wanted… she'll need and love and want herself, since no one else is going to, apparently. 

It got light in the room again. 

Spinel stood up, her breathing calm and even. She made her way over to the Pink Pearl, whom Yellow Pearl barely managed to make sit up. Spinel kneeled down next to the crying gem. 

Then she showed her the back of her hand. 

Shocked and hurt with that slap, Pip reminded her of someone at that moment - of her own baby self. 

"Get it together. She's gone and she's never coming back. We live for ourselves now."

For Pip it was not convincing in the slightest. But she lowered her head, no longer crying it all out, and reached the microphone for Yellow to grab again. 

"I guess we won't be airing episode two anytime soon." She grimaced. 

The two pink gems apologized. 

~ ~ ~ 

This wasn’t helping. Steven already cried out everything he had in himself - he could have sworn he cried out more water than he drank that day. But it just wasn’t helping. 

He probably needed a little more time to be sad over it, just a little more. And then it’ll be fine. 

Steven raised up from his bed. Maybe he can ask Spinel to hold him while he- Oh right. 

She’s gone. 

She’s gone and he did it. 

Did he feel better? Did anything get better? 

Steven wanted an answer to a single question. He would have given anything right now just to know: 

Did he miss her because it was true love, or because it was an unhealthy obsession? 

Every argument that he thought of for both sides of this dilemma was contradicting one another. 

What if it was true love, and it hurt because he lost it? But then how come it hurt so badly, maybe true love wouldn’t hurt so much? Then again, love is about being together, and they were apart. But… but… 

Steven rubbed his eyes, they were getting itchy from all the crying. 

What had he done? 

~ ~ ~ 

Dig up the dirt. Plant a seed. Cover it. Add water. 

The flowers didn’t bloom the moment they were planted now. Steven wasn’t kissing them. Spinel thought it was symbolic of her path of healing. 

Steven made walking it seem so easy. Like one of their countless walks in the park or by the beach. He made beautiful things bloom out of seemingly nothing in a matter of seconds. 

But that’s not how things worked. True flowers of progress would take a lot of time and effort to grow, and a lot of care to grow healthily. 

Spinel saw that now. And she’d work on that now. She’d heal. 

Maybe she’ll be aromantic? Steven told her that’s when people don’t experience cravings for romance. But she craved it… Then again, she could crave it without actually wanting to have it. Just like asexuality. 

Maybe she’ll spend her time watching soap operas. Her time that was free of gardening anyways. She’s been in the garden for a few hours now, cleaning up and planting flowers. 

Maybe she’ll be an engineer. 

Spinel got up from her knees. She grabbed the tools and moved on to another space that could use some work on it. There was a tall rock in the place (was it always there?). She placed down the tools, and climbed on it, looking up at the starry sky. 

The stars looked so close by… It’s like she could reach her hand out and… 

Her hand. Spinel looked at the bite marks on it. She remembered. 

Right. 

It was barely a while before she came to the garden, that she was crying her eyes out, calling Steven’s name, letting it sink in that he was never coming back, and biting her hands while she was at it. It felt bad, but when it hurt - it made her forget the other pain just for a second… 

But the downside was that the bite marks stayed. She was no longer sad now, but the marks were there, reminding her that she almost permanently altered her appearance because of her pain. 

_ What if… _

She gasped, closing her mouth with her hands. 

_ What if one day all that I’ll have on the outside will be the scars of the pain I’m getting? _

She took a step back, disturbed by her own thoughts. No, she could not, she could not… 

She could not allow to be hurt anymore. 

Was it going to work? No, of course not. Pain would always be there, such is life. 

So at least… she clenched her fists, looking at the trembling limbs. So at least she would make sure she won’t trust easily, and attach easily. Maybe then she’ll avoid being backstabbed to some degree. 

Looking up at the sky, she took another step back - and fell from the rock she was standing on.

That hurt, and now she was laying on the ground, sprawled out. Oh well. Life hurts. She stared up. Life sucks, but at least she was alive. And she could leave the garden now… 

The stars were so beautiful. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven stepped outside and sat down on the stairs outside of his room, looking up at the endless sky. 

The stars were so beautiful. 

~ ~ ~ 

_ "You could probably see the Homeworld from here." _

_ "You could probably see his planet's solar system from here." _

_ "I wonder what is she doing right now." _

_ "I wonder what is he doing right now." _

_ "I hope she's safe. She promised to be safe… why can't I stop thinking of her? Why?" _

_ "Probably met up with Connie or spending time with his other friends. Laughing and smiling and playing and moving on from me..." _

_ "What have I done. I've done nothing but cry about needing her whole day. Will this ever stop? I probably played the role of mom's fountain whole day…" _

_ "I should have known it'd be this way. He got tired… now he'll find a next toy that will make him happy. Then another… and his life will go on without me… Why am I surprised the son of Pink Diamond did this to me?" _

_ "I don't even know what I want anymore. I need her, but… I need to… need to learn to live without her." _

_ "I need to learn to live without him." _

_ "Mmm but I don't want to!" _

_ "I don't have a choice… again." _

_ "I just want to see her…" _

_ "He probably doesn't even want to remember I exist. Probably already had a party without me…" _

_ "Stop it stop it you're starting to hyperventilate stop thinking of this…" _

_ "After all, I'm already stronger. I handle my panic attacks better now. Not perfect, but better." _

_ "I can't do this, I can't do this…" _

_ "I'm a strong gem now. I can do this. I'll get there." _

  


~ ~ ~ 

Steven ran back inside, towards the bathroom where he washed his face in the cold water. This was just the first day. He saved the galaxy, he could do this too… he could do this. 

Steven wasn't convincing himself. After a long and tiring day of doing nothing he crawled under the blanket on his bed, ready to sleep it all away. To sleep this whole nightmare away and wake up feeling better. Now he'll turn to the side and grab Spinel's hand and feel at home… oh right. She's gone. 

And oh, right, he forgot his pajama. Without getting out of bed Steven reached for the pink pants in the bed stand. And it suddenly occurred to him that he no longer had to split his pajama with Spinel getting the flannel. He got to wear full pajama again. 

Isn't that lovely? 

Was it worth the prize? 

~ ~ ~ 

There were… a plenty of upsides to this, he just wasn't concentrating on them. 

For one, he had a lot of free time now! 

Steven looked around the dark room, as he laid with his hands over the covers. 

Alright, well… maybe someone else with a lot of things to do would love that? To be free to do all their plans all the time they wanted to. Yeah. Romance is not the necessary part of life. There's plenty of things to relish and a wonderful fulfilled life to be had without romance at all. So many people do so many great things on their own. Yeah. Living for yourself rocks!

...It's just that it wasn't for Steven. 

The boy already saved the galaxy, so there was not that much to do now. 

Here he is, in the future… alone. 

…

Well, there is this one thing he can do since he's sleeping alone again. Steven never brought it up, having had enough of their "first time" accidentally doing it together. 

The boy made sure no one was in sight, then hid under his covers, carefully unbuttoning the bottom of his pajamas. If anything, Steven needed to let some pent up energy out now. It has been what, two weeks? That's a long shot to go without pleasing himself for a teenager. He best not have forgotten how it's done… 

The hands seemed to remember what motions he liked the most, as Steven let his mind wonder… 

...Held down. He wanted to be held down while someone would do this to him. He wanted no control over what they did. He wanted his wrists to burn against the tight ropes as he'd struggle, he wanted, he wanted… her hands on his wrists, and her legs straddling him, and her face next to his, and to whisper "Spinel…" in a plea to a benevolent gem above him, a prayer to be gifted a kiss from her sweet lips, a begging to be blessed with her heavy breathing against his skin, and her teeth on his neck, and her hands on his wrists, and control in her hands, and… 

Steven shot up from underneath his covers, holding his hands up. No, no, no! That was wrong! He broke up with her, she was never coming back, that was creepy! He couldn't just… think of her while he touched himself, could he? No, he probably should not… 

The mood was ruined. So he zipped up and laid down, just trying to sleep in a deafening silence… 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven opened his eyes when the sun was already up long ago. He could have sworn he cried himself to sleep. 

His right hand searched for something on the other empty side of the bed, that was no longer there. No longer booping his nose to whisper a soft "good morning". 

It was a cold morning. 

He didn't want to get up. 

~ ~ ~ 

"I was wrong I'm so sorry."

Seen at 9:35 am. 

"It wasn't codependency or anything it was just how love works!!"

Seen at 9:37 am. 

"I know now, I met this girl and I have a lot to say you probably are really busy if you can't reply now." 

Seen at 9:40 am. 

"And I just want to spend my whole time with her its so amazing she's so cool!! I didn't know it can feel this way. I'm so sorry I see now why you turned so blind with Spinel.

That's just how it be.

That's just how love is."

Seen at 9:43 am. 

"I'm so sorry I just hope nothing went wrong between you two I'm sorry it took me to fall in love myself to realise how you were feeling."

Seen at 9:45 am. 

"You guys alright there? Spinel with you?"

"Connie. Please. Delete my number and forget where I live." 

Seen at 9:46 am.

~ ~ ~ 

"Dude are you even listening?"

Steven rubbed his tired eyes. The world around was so grey. 

"Sorry Amethyst. Yes, what is it?"

The short purple gem crossed her hands, glaring angrily. 

"I'm sorry. I… was thinking… of things. What were you saying?" 

Still glaring, Amethyst pointed behind herself, still angrily. Oh, right. Somehow Steven didn't notice a huge orange gem in the room. 

"Hi Jasper." He said, not really caring if Jasper was in the mood to imprint him into the nearest wall by any chance, as usual. He could use that. 

"She knows me?"

"Jas, that's Steven. He's sorts human, I told you." 

"Right, sorry." 

Amethyst turned back at Steven, ready to tell him all about the reformation she's put Jasper through to this point - but did not carry through with to, as she saw that Steven was just staring at the floor again. She waved a hand before his eyes, until he snapped back to reality. 

"You alright? Where's Spinel, why ain't she clinging onto you?" 

"Who's Spinel?" Jasper repeated after Amethyst. 

Steven thought of all the things he could reply to that for a moment. Then he sat down on the couch, asking Amethyst to tell him all about Jasper and her new development. He kept his hands hidden in his jacket the whole time as she spoke, doing his best to stay concentrated on her words. The world was grey, but it was fine, this was Amethyst he was listening to. So maybe he'll feel better with her around. 

As she was telling him all about her days in the kindergarden, Garnet and Pearl joined in to the three, pretending that they had never met Jasper before. For the Crystal Gems, the experience was fun. For the three of them at least. Steven was surrounded by colourful alien gems his whole life, and yet right now the world felt absolutely grey to him. He rubbed his eyes, finding that he was not paying attention to what was happening around at all. 

His whole family was there. The three gems that were maternal and sisterly figures to him his whole life. They were right there, but something felt… missing. 

Just like when they were with him, missing their memories, and Steven risked it all to save them...

Steven shot up from the couch, almost knocking the table in his way. 

Of course! Of course that was so! He remembered now! 

Back when the gems had lost their memories… Steven risked the world, just to get his friends back. That was a part of him, it always was - to care this much about those he considered his… his… 

"Family." Steven turned around. 

From Gem's perspective Steven just jumped up, started smiling, randomly turned around as he whispered "Family." and then ran off. 

Pearl and Amethyst glanced at Garnet, awaiting a prognosis. 

Garnet sipped from her Starbucks, "Ah. That coffee is hot stuff." 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven ran to the warp pad, almost falling face down while he made his way over. It all made sense to him, and all he had to do was compare how he felt about the rest of his family to this. 

Steven did have moments of parting with Spinel where both felt safe, it's when he thought he had lost her forever that wasn't okay. And it would not be okay with any of the gems he called family. He remembered how much he missed each of them when they were present, just without their memories. 

And the same went for Spinel. He just didn't want to lose her forever. He needed her. 

Or maybe the same didn't go for Spinel. 

Steven didn't care!

He needed her, no matter what she was. Good or bad for him - he _ needed _ her. And there was nothing to be done about that. 

Steven was crying as he launched the warp pad, trying to guess where could she be. 

But he had a decent guess. 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel's hair twitched, as she heard the warp pad activate. For a second she thought that Pink had returned. She spent so long waiting for that to happen… 

But she quickly remembered that Pink was gone. So it must have been Garnet, here to invite her for another Gem's night out? 

Spinel happily looked at the warp pad pyramid - but frowned momentarily, as she saw that it was Steven. What'd he need there? 

"Spinel!" Steven ran towards her. 

Spinel didn't blink an eye. Steven caught up to her, catching his breath. She saw that he was crying, and felt nothing about it. 

"Spinel, I'm so glad to see you. I need to tell you-"

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Steven blinked at her in confusion. 

"I, it's… it's our Garden, I came here to see you."

She clenched the gardening tool in her hand, before throwing it to the side. Their Garden? Alright, whatever. She could find herself a new one… Actually, no. _ Steven _ could find himself a new one - he had the whole planet to himself - Spinel only had this Garden. 

"This is _ my _ Garden. You have the Earth. Go back to your own space piece of dirt." 

"You have all the right in the galaxy to be mad at me, I get it. But, Spinel, I realized something. I came here because I-"

"Shut up." Spinel frowned at him, showing him her toothy grimace. "Just shut up and go the fuck away before I intoxicate you more." 

"What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? Why don't _ you _ tell me?" She stepped forward, looming over Steven angrily. "Apparently I know _ nothing _ about what is right and wrong. So why don't you lecture me about what's "healthy" and not - _ while _ you make your way _ out of my Garden! _" 

Steven took a step back. He was having a mixed batch of feelings. He was intimidated, a little turned on, and very much happy that Spinel was just… there. In front of him. 

He sighed, somewhat happily, smiling. 

"Spinel, I'm sorry, I-"

Column. He suddenly had his face painfully hit a nearby column. How'd that happen- ah, right. She punched him into it. Before Steven could get up from where he fell down - Spinel stretched her hand, grabbing onto his leg and tossing him over herself with a roar, into a column on the opposite side. Steven felt the pain of the impact - and the pain of the column crumbling over him. He used his shield to cover from the bits and shards falling over.

That enraged Spinel further. Just a few days ago she was more than willing to dedicate her whole life to Steven. But now, now that she knew how cruel he could be with her broken little heart - she only wanted to harm him and hurt him and watch him suffer at least some of what she had suffered because of him. 

And then he pulled his shield out, covering from the falling debris. 

Control. Control of the situation? No. Spinel growled. He would have _ none. _ Not in this place he won't. 

Steven got up, putting his shield away, and coming closer toward Spinel. 

"I just need you to hear me out. I realized something."

"Let me guess." She walked towards him too. "You realized that I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you, and I should be shattered?"

"What? Of course not!" 

"Too bad." She summoned a weapon. "But that's only a matter of time."

Steven saw that happen. He saw her extend the rejuvenator out as it sparkled to life in her hands, and grip it tighter as she seemed ready to leap at him. 

Well, Steven knew what to do now. 

He stood with his hands open and apart. Turning the other cheek. And usually it would have made Spinel subdue and stop attacking him. 

But this wasn't "usually". 

Spinel took the opening and leapt forward, headbutting Steven back to fall on his back, as she raised her scythe up. 

"Go away!" She screamed, "Run away and go back to your healthy pretty little friends! Run away from this unhealthy gem before she poisons you!!"

Steven didn't even flinch as he saw her come closer with the threatening weapon in her hands. He thought it was kind of cool. And hot of her. He loved that side of her that always took charge and knew what she would do each next moment. 

"Staying, huh? A-boo-hoo, too bad for you." She raised her weapon up, "Let's see you protect yourself from the bad unhealthy gem now!!" She cut it down, "Without! Your! Stupid!! Powers!!!"

She cut through him with each word, screaming louder as she went. Steven covered only his eyes, even though there was no need of it. Sure, it hurt, but there was something else about that… 

Spinel was there, not poofed, not shattered, not rejuvenated. She had weird markings on her hands, but otherwise she was fine and safe. And be it that she was mad - Steven concentrated on the thought that she was feeling _ passion _for him right now. Be that passion - anger. But it was a passionate anger. She was very enthusiastic to hit him. 

Steven felt every cut - the scythe felt like it passed through his skin each time, and the only difference was that it did not leave bloody cuts behind, only gave little electric shock through his body, as his gem half took the hit. And he felt it excite him a little. He felt his powers leave him, and felt himself regress to a normal human who didn't stand a chance against Spinel. 

Except Steven stood his chance as both a human, a gem, and a hybrid that he was. 

Steven was barely covering his face from her advances. He didn't care. He just didn't care!

Spinel slowed down her pace, as she heard a faint sound come from him. Was he…? No, it couldn't be. 

She lowered her weapon for a moment. 

Steven was shivering, spasming strangely. She thought he was crying at first. But when she sat down to take a closer look - she saw that… 

"Are you mocking me?" She asked, growing furious. Steven put his hand away, no longer covering his face. Letting her see that he was… 

"Why are you laughing?"

Steven was laughing. Laughing as pure as can be, as if she wasn't trying to murder him now, but instead had just kissed him. And he had tears in his eyes too. 

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I love you!" Steven finally let out. He sat up while Spinel was still kneeling down next to him - she was higher than him at the moment - and held onto her. Hugging her quite awkwardly. 

"I love you! I'm so sorry it took so long to realize. But I do! And I- I don't care if that's unhealthy or not, I don't care if that's an obsession, or what other people or gems might say! Spinel, I need you, and I want to be with you, and I want to love you and be loved by you and… and I want to fix us back together, I love you, Spinel. I love you…" 

Steven looked up at her, filled with hopes and love, laughing with tears streaming down his face, and beaming with a wide smile on it. 

But something was wrong. Spinel didn't smile back. In fact, she looked disgusted. Steven's hold weakened when he saw that, and she kicked him off with her leg. 

He was laying on his back now, supporting himself up on the elbows. Looking at her with concern and confusion and some sort of sadness setting in. 

While she just looked at him with sincere disgust. 

"You really hurt me this time. I believed you moved on from me." 

"That's not true, not at all, I need you! And I know, and- and I'm truly deeply sorry. But I'll make it up to you. Now that we're together again." 

"That's where you're wrong, buckaroo." She interrupted, firmly.

Steven stayed silent. Feeling a cold sweat run down his spine. 

She looked away and around, a grimace of regret and pain shifting on her face. Finally she looked at him again, the same disgust painting her face as soon as she saw Steven. 

"I don't think I can love you again, Steven Universe." 


	12. The Bouquet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven attempts to fix things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
A lot of kicks in the face 
> 
> OST in the end.

"I don't think I can love you again, Steven Universe." 

Steven blinked twice, the phrase she said was not setting in yet. 

“What?” 

What was there to be said, to be explained? He cut her deep. Almost as deep as Pink did, but in a lesser amount of time. And now… was he really not understanding what he did wrong? 

“Did you honestly think you can just come back to me and ask me back, and I’ll fall to your knees and praise you for picking me back up?” 

“I, I…” 

“It’s over, I got it. You told me you no longer want me. I got the message, rehearsed it in my head over and over again.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care.” She shrugged, standing up. “I just don’t care about you now.” 

Steven held onto his heart, suddenly shaking in fear. His heart hurt, it felt like a batch of needles were stuck through it in one go. 

Spinel didn’t wait for his reply. She picked up the gardening tools she dropped earlier, looking around for the next part to work on. Those diamond shaped bushes probably needed to be replaced… and reshaped. She didn’t want diamonds in her garden now. 

“Spinel, I… I’m sorry… I really am, and I need you! I really really need you!” Steven stayed down, up on his elbows, feeling paralyzed by the dawning realization that he screwed up big time with her, “Please! I’ll do anything, anything it takes to make it up to you! I need you!” 

“Pfffft- hah! Yeah, right. Need me to toss me away again. What a fun game it must be!” She turned at him. “I’m not letting you hurt me like that. Ever. Again.” 

“No, no!” Her laughter hurt him, cut him deeper than the rejuvenator. “I will never hurt you again, I promise! I’m sorry I was such- such an idiot, I got scared of how much I wanted to be with you. But I’m not scared now - wanting to be with you is what I want to do the most! It’s the only thing I want!” 

“Oh save it, canary.” She growled. 

“Spinel, please I… Please, forgive me. I’m so sorry! Please, let me have another chance! I’ll be better, I’ll do better!” 

She rolled her eyes, they were not even spiraled. 

“I’ll do- I’ll do anything you say! Please! I need you!” Steven didn’t quit. 

Spinel facepalmed. 

“Anything, huh?” 

“Anything! Anything at all!” Steven leaned forward and held his hands together, pleadingly. 

She stepped closer to him, landing her foot over his own leg, and bending down to level with him. She reached her hand towards his face - _ Hit me baby one more time? _

“Then listen up. Here, in my Garden:” She touched his nose with her finger, “Stay very still and quiet.” 

Steven nodded, putting his clasped hands down and sitting quietly. Spinel stood back and returned to her gardening business, as if she had instantly forgotten that Steven was there to begin with. 

And Steven waited. Waited like a dog that was taken to the forest and ordered to sit down and wait, while the former tired master got into the car and left it there, with no intention to remember its existence ever again. Is that how Spinel felt for 6000 years? 

She was hardly the same gem. Now she had plenty of things in her life. She did gardening, she planted flowers and she took care of them to watch them grow into something beautiful with her efforts. And she took care of herself, on her own path of healing from it all. In her own battle with her panic attacks and hallucinations. She knew she could not always win - but she would make damn sure she gave it her all in every battle. 

Steven waited, almost moveless, only turning his head to see Spinel walk around the garden and take her time with the hedges and bushes. 

“Hmm…” she hummed to herself about some dear plants, “I’ll need more nutrients in the soil to regenerate those…” 

She put down her tools and headed towards the warp pad.   
“S-spinel?” Steven asked smallish. 

She didn’t seem to react. 

“I’m sorry, but… you took away my powers. I won’t be able to… leave the Garden on my own if you leave me here… alone.” 

She stopped. 

“Well why don’t’cha sing a song about changing then?” 

“I... don’t feel like… I’m making a change now.” 

“Jee, look at all the fucks I give.” Spinel pointed at an empty space next to her. “Ya seemed to have enough energy the last time, enough to fuse, _ and _ lift yourself up, _ and _ lift another double fusion up, _ and _ lift up a whole damn lion _ with yet another fusion _ on top of all of that! Did all that, but found it suitable to leave a little spinel behind. Sure had fun, didn’t you? Bet you can gather some strength now to warp yourself away.” 

Then she walked out, warping away. 

Steven stayed where he was. There was a little spark of hope in him that maybe if he listened well now - she’d change her mind? Spinel loved to be in charge, maybe if she saw how willing he was to submit now - she’ll want to give it another chance? The boy looked down in doubt. It wasn’t too late now to fix everything… was it? 

He knew one thing for sure about it - that he’ll do _ anything _that it takes to bring her back. 

Steven needed Spinel. 

He just hoped dearly that it wasn’t too late. 

The time seemed to slow down yet again. There were reasons to panic - he was left behind in the Garden, with no means of escaping, alone again… But on a bright side he saw Spinel. She would come back for him… right? And she was safe, that was important. She was safe and sound. Even better than he was… 

Steven frowned, his frame visibly getting smaller. It was so quiet. Wind blew but that was about it. No other sounds. Just Steven, his breathing, the sound of his own heart. Here. Alone. Not knowing when was she coming back. If she even was… 

Last time he was stuck in the Garden was better. She was there with him, and suddenly she comforted him and shared her comfort food with him… Did she still have them with her? Did she still keep all the little love trinkets of their love in her gem? If she did - maybe there was hope to fix it all yet… 

There had to be hope. He needed her - he just wouldn’t do without her… 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven jolted awake, not even realizing that he had fallen asleep while he was waiting. The stress of the previous days was getting to the baby, and Steven was that baby, now lying in the dirt and seeing a pair of jester shoes next to his face. He looked up at the owner of them. 

“Get up.” Was thrown at him in a cold tone. 

Spinel didn’t seem like she cared to wait, as she walked towards the warp pad as soon as she said it. Steven got up and ran after her, barely catching up as she made her way onto the warp pad. He didn’t even get on it fully when she already activated it, sending both to an unknown location. 

Actually, it was a well known location. It was Homeworld. 

Steven didn’t get his balance in time and fell on his face when they landed. She walked off, leaving him behind, although not for long. 

Steven got up and ran after her, but the next moment he was lifted up into the air and - snuggled? 

"Steven! You're finally here!" Blue Diamond said, holding him up carefully. She called the other diamonds over, and they were next to her in an instant, greeting Steven and being so happy to see him. 

"Are you going to stay here for a while?"

"Will you sleep in your room?" 

"Pink's former room, Spinel's current room. We know you're not Pink, but the room does belongs to you now." 

Steven put his hands up, trying to summon his bubble to protect himself from their hugs and kisses - but then remembered that his powers were out. Right. Spinel. Rejuvenator. 

Speaking of. Spinel didn't even turn around, as she made her way through the warp room, and into the unknown direction. 

Steven almost jumped down to catch up to her - but suddenly recalled that he would not float down slowly now. On another hand, he didn't want the Diamonds, or anyone, to realize that this happened to him again. And there was something special about it… Spinel altered him, did something to him. Something only they two knew of. Something that made him a little embarrassed… And he couldn't tell anyone. Their little secret. 

"I'm uh… yeah I think I'm staying for a while… aaand I'm really tired so if you could slowly and carefully put me down - that'll be great." Steven smiled softly. 

"Oh, Steven we can even carry you to your bed if you-"

"Just to the ground will be fine, thanks." 

His little plan worked, and Blue carefully put her hand down on the floor. Steven stepped down like her hand was a staircase, greeting them again and making his way to his room. Hopefully to find Spinel there. 

Someone called him over, 

"Pink?"

Steven stopped, frowning in frustration and turning to look at the Pink Pearl. 

"Pip, no, I'm Steven. Pink is gone!" 

He ran off, not wanting to hear anymore from her or stop and talk about it. Making a big mistake that would bite him in the butt later. But he didn't know that. 

Pip clenched her little fists as he ran off. 

~ ~ ~ 

His hopes were answered. Spinel was in the pink room, resting on top of the pink heart shaped bed. As Steven walked up the stairs and saw that scenery - Spinel laying on her front, slowly swaying her legs in the air, prepping her tired head on one hand and glancing at him nonchalantly - he suddenly felt bad that he never appreciated this wonderful scenery before. Not that he saw that before - he felt bad that she was mad at him now, and he could not approach and join her on this bed and hold onto her for comfort and beg for forgiveness… 

Or could he? 

Steven stepped closer and landed his knee on the edge of the bed. Instantly Spinel pushed him back, sending the boy to fall back off the edge. Luckily, he landed on the soft surface that the pebbles unraveled below him the last moment. 

"Thanks pebbles…" Steven said, getting up and letting them retract the soft surface back in. 

"Spinel?" 

The gem from above didn't reply. 

"I'm sorry. I… I can't describe how sorry I am if I wanted. I know I screwed up, but… I…" it was the time for his voice to tremble, "I need you, I really need you… I don't know what I'll do without you." 

"Be healthy, probably." She replied unseen. 

"No, that's… I don't care… I really don't care if you're the unhealthiest thing in my life - I just…"

Spinel reeled her head out of the edge, to glare at him with frustration. 

"I just need you." Steven held his hands together, like he was praying. And somehow he truly was. 

Spinel only retracted her head back and placed a pillow on top of it, tugging it down. 

Steven fell down to his knees, “What do I do for you to hear me?” 

He heard muffled screaming from above. 

_ Well, jee maybe if you weren’t so deaf to me in the first place- No. No, Spins. No. Don’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction. Don't answer. _

Spinel said nothing. 

There had to be something… 

“We were so happy together… it couldn’t just… all go away? I- I couldn’t just have… ruined _ everything _with what I did… right?”

No reply. 

“I’m sorry, I…” He thought about it, “I love you, I do! I’ll… just prove it to you again!” 

Spinel was not replying. But on another hand, she was not telling him to leave her alone. If it really was a hopeless case - she probably would be telling him to go away now. Okay, so that’s a spark of hope. 

“I’ll be right back, please don’t go anywhere!” 

Steven hurried back to the Diamonds’ rooms. He would need a little help, he realized. But Diamonds would cause too much of a fuss… 

He eyed the Blue and Yellow Pearls, and ran towards them. 

“Hi, I- I need your help.” 

The two looked at him, somewhat knowingly. Surprised at first, then Yellow grimaced and Blue chuckled in amusement. 

“You remembered your Spinel, huh?”

“Do you want a relationship advice?”

“Or just a make up tactic?”

“Actually I… just wanted to ask one of you guys to help me teleport… somewhere… I uh forgot where was the garden.”

“Your own… new Garden?”

“No, I know where that is. The garden here, on Homeworld.” 

There was a garden on Homeworld. The Diamonds installed it almost two years ago, and with the help of Peridot and Lapis’s gathered knowledge of human agriculture - filled it with various vegetables, fruits, and some flowers. They did it to ensure that Steven would have something to eat and drink anytime they wanted him to stay on Homeworld for longer. 

So Steven started thinking of staying over at Homeworld - as if he was visiting his aunts and grandparents in a suburban village, who did not really understand him but cared to listen and to make sure that he was nourished and well fed all the time. It was… nice. 

Right now, he just needed to grab some flowers from there. Any maybe a fruit. He was a little hungry. Of course Steven had a preference for other types of food, but he had to make do, as pizza and donuts did not grow on trees yet. 

“I need to go to the food garden.”

“You can just send a worker gem there, you know?” Yellow Pearl put her hands on her hips. “You’re a Diamond, just say a word to a gem whose work is carrying and delivering stuff if you’re hungry.” 

“No, it’s not that. I need flowers. And- and I need to collect them myself.” 

It took both pearls a minute to realise what was he talking about. Then they held their hands together, leaning closer to each other and voicing one prolonged and knowing _ “Ooooh!” _.

“Oh! You want to make her a bouquet?” 

“And apologise for being awful and breaking her fragile heart and worsening her mental state?” Blue Pearl said, innocently. 

Steven blushed. “Yes, I… need to make it up to her, and it needs to be special.”

“You need help?”

“I’ve got ideas. I just… uh… need help teleporting. I… didn’t sleep well so my- my powers are a little… off… because I didn’t sleep well! Only that!” 

“Eek, that can happen to humans?”

“He is a half human.” 

“Alright, alright. We’ll help you. But you better do well and make her happy again.” 

“If you fail to win her back,” Blue Pearl held her hands together, smiling, “We’ll steal her from you.” 

Steven stepped back, mildly shocked and scared for dear life.

“Oh, please.” Yellow Pearl held her hand over Blue’s ones, “It’s not like we can control her. At the end of the day it’s all about Spinel’s own choices.” 

Right, Steven nodded. It’s all about her happiness and her choices. He was one of her choices before - he can become it again. 

~ ~ ~ 

“Spinel?” Steven was scared as he walked up the copied staircase in the pink room, but he felt easier the moment he saw Spinel still on her bed, possibly not having even moved from her place. “Oh thank goodness you’re here. I… got you something…”

There were no vital signs coming from her. No human vital signs anyways. 

“Here, it’s…” 

Steven got down on one knee before her bed, holding out a big bouquet of Purple Hyacinths, along with a few Roses and Hibiscuses mixed in, and some Lilies of the Valleys in the back. It was wrapped in the paper with a polka dot of hearts and a red ribbon. 

Steven stayed moveless, waiting for Spinel to look up at him. Not wanting to push her further than she was ready to go. 

In a few minutes, she raised her head at him. Her eyes were very tired. 

Steven suddenly realized that she might not know that flowers have meanings down on Earth. 

“Uhm… On Earth, flowers have meanings. So a bouquet of flowers can be read as… a message. See, those purple flowers, they stand for being sorry, and the roses-” 

Spinel reached her hand out, grabbing the bouquet from his hands - _ yes yes yes! _\- just to throw it away, further into the other side of the room, watching all the flowers spill out of it on the impact of hitting the wall, and fall down. Then she retracted her hand back and hid her head down again. 

Steven sighed. 

Alright, next plan. He’ll do one of the very few things he knew how to do well. But he’ll need something for it… 

Steven ran back towards the warp pad. The Pearls weren’t in sight. Alright, he could probably gather some energy, just to warp back home and here. Although the galactic scale warps were much harder to do. And sometimes took longer. What if he’d lose his powers midway?... 

As Steven stood before the warp pad, considering his options - it lit up suddenly. 

Now Garnet was standing on it, holding his ukulele in one hand, and a cup of coffee in another. 

“What’cha got there?” asked Steven.

Garnet sipped the drink through the straw, “A star buck.” 

She reached the ukulele for Steven, and teleported back away before he could ask her anything, or even thank her for it. He went back to the pink room. 

Alright. He could do this, and he would do it right. After all it was one thing he did not need his gem powers for. Only his human skills… 

Steven tuned the instrument. Then he sat down on one knee on the floor, strumming the musical instrument. 

Spinel stayed unamused. 

Steven thought about it for a moment… What could work, what could do it? 

_ Hey, you, _

_ Show me that solvable problem. _

_ We can get through this, _

_ I'll do the hardest part with you. _

Spinel didn’t bat an eye. Alright, something else. Something more… romantic, maybe? The next one he thought of was not easy to be played on a string instrument, but he tried. He had to. 

_ It's been said and done _

_ Every beautiful thought's been already sung _

_ And I guess right now here's another one _

_ So your melody will play on and on, with the best of 'em _

Spinel raised her head. She did not look amused, but she did react! That was a good sign, just keep singing, Steven, there’s hope, there’s always hope.

_ You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible _

_ A centerfold, a miracle, lyrical, _

Spinel rolled her eyes with annoyance, and rubbed the bridge of her nose. 

_ You've saved my life again _

_ And I want you to know, Spinel _

Steven strummed the ukulele, standing up and now looking at her as he sang the chorus, confident and loud, 

_ I, I love you like a love song, darling _

_ I, I love you like a love song, darling _

_ I, I love you like a love song, darling _

_ I only beg you for another cha-a-ance. _

“Hey!” 

“Spinel?” Steven smiled, was she going to say-

“Just can it, won’t you?” Oh, so she was not touched deeply as he thought she’d be, “I don’t care about your stupid love songs!” 

“Oh…” Alright, well… maybe she was not the one for this type of songs? Alright, there was another option. Maybe she’d like one of Earth’s traditional ballads? Steven played a different tune, 

_ Baby, can't you see? I'm calling _

_ A gem like you should wear a warning _

_ It's dangerous, _ (he smiled) _ I'm falling _

She continued to look at him with a look of a gem who was completely done and frustrated that this was still going on. 

_ There's no escape _

_ I can't wait, I need a hit _

_ Spinel, give me it _

_ You're dangerous - I'm loving it _

It’s good that Steven’s powers, even if he had them now, did not come with the ability to read minds, Spinel thought.

_ Too high _

_ Can't come down _

_ Losin' my head _

_ Spinnin' 'round and 'round... _

He could never ever ever ever learn... that she going head over heels in her head, as he sang for in, in a desperate need to win her back. She had to keep an angry face at him, no matter how euphoric she felt knowing that winning her back could make him go to such lengths. And he kept going them, even when all she did was push him away! 

Just like when she kept begging to be together again... even as he was… pushing her away… 

_ Do you feel me now? _

Spinel held onto her heart gem, the memories of their break up becoming vivid before her eyes. 

_ Cause the taste of your lips, I'm on a ride _

_ You're toxic, I'm- _

She kicked him in the face with her foot from where she laid, sending the boy flying a few meters away. The ukulele barely survived the impact. 

Spinel turned her back at him, grabbed a pillow and hid her face into it, frustrated, enraged, saddened, forgiving but mad, so mad that she was forgiving him, knowing that she couldn't just let him back in easily, and give him an idea that it was okay to wipe his legs over her feelings, like she was some sort of a loyal doormat that he could do anything with and still have in his life.

“Spinel, pleeease…” He whined, becoming more and more desperate. Steven went up the stairs again, making his way to her bed, “I beg you- please, I need you! I just want to be together again, so I can- I can make you happy each day! I will! I’ll be making you so happy, I’ll be entertaining you! I’ll be anything for you, just… please…” 

She curled further away from him. Steven stepped back, cautious of being kicked down yet again. 

But he was glad to notice one thing. He noticed it back on top of the injector, on the day they met - Spinel could have kicked him off as soon as he climbed on top of it. But she waited. She allowed him to approach her. She let him have a chance. And maybe she wouldn’t have tried to kill him if he’d just say the right thing, instead of screaming at her. 

It was the same now. She was not kicking him off - so there was still a chance - a chance that there was something _ right _ to be said to her. 

“I just… want to see you smile. And laugh. I want to make you smile and laugh - to know that I’ve made you happy each day. And I want to help you. And I want to… to carry you around,” Thought he would rather have her carry and throw him around, “And to… to…” 

Steven very carefully tried to set his knee on the edge of the bed again. Spinel twitched… but did not kick him off. Alright. Good. Wonderful! He was on the right path, somehow. 

“I’ve done nothing since I’ve lost you, but… cried. I just cried and cried, and nothing could stop it. I… was like Blue, I guess. I tried seeing my friends-” Spinel twitched again. “But- but it meant nothing to me! Just- the whole world just felt grey, and nothing made me happy anymore. I felt… like I was living dead.” 

Steven climbed onto her bed with both of his legs, now sitting in front of the curled gem. 

Spinel sat up, still having her back at him. She crossed - well, croissanted - her legs, and held onto the pillow in her hands, hiding her mouth. 

_ He can’t know I’m smiling. _Her eyes were frowning angrily. 

“And I… couldn’t even sleep. I kept thinking of you - I kept… kept thinking that I’ll just go to you for comfort, like you were still there, like you were a constant part of my life. And I could have asked you for comfort in this. You're a family to me, Spinel. And it… really is so. You’re… someone whom I’ll always want around.” 

She bit into the pillow with her fangs. 

“The only one! The only one I want around, I don’t even need anyone else, I… I really don’t…” 

Steven looked down at his hands, as if he was just now realizing something. 

“They were all there - my family, with me, and I still felt dead. Because you weren’t with me… I only need you, Spinel. Really really only you.” 

Steven reached his hands towards her - very slowly. Spinel didn’t move or twitch. Steven had to be very careful, he was holding his breath as he held onto her body, scooting closer and placing his cheek against the back of her head, while he held onto her. Like for dear life. 

“I _ need _you…” 

She heard his voice tremble. He was crying. 

“Please, Spinel. I’ll do anything...” 

_ Anything, huh? _

Steven tried to stay still as he felt her shift around. He opened up his hands from around her, holding them up and open, as she turned around to face him. She didn’t look as… angry as before. 

“Anything?” She asked him back. 

“Anything.” Confirmed Steven, still holding his hands up and apart. 

Spinel looked at the position of his hands. 

_ Perfect. _

“Aaanything?” She sang, crossing her hands on her chest, now facing Steven.

Her recently saddened face now portrayed determination and confidence. And condescension. Steven heard his heart in his ears, his face turning red as he stared at her. He forgot how to breath for a second, lost in her spiraling eyes.

She was finally looking at him again... 

“Anything…” Steven replied. 

“Anything.” She asked one more time, smiling in a way that let Steven know he was about to face a challenge to prove his love. 

And he already knew he’d do whatever it takes to prove it to her. 

“Anything.” He replied for the final time. 

Spinel’s eyes had spiraled, and that gave her expressions a grim tint.

"Then you'll listen carefully to me now." 

Steven nodded, being all ears and keeping his gaze fixated on her beautiful eyes. 

"I was made to be an entertainment. To always give and never question about receiving." She frowned, "And I am very done with what. I want to give - when I find fit to give. When I feel like it. But more importantly - I want to receive. You promise to make me feel loved - you better do so. I have demands." She poked her finger at him as she spoke, "I want to feel that you love me each day. I want to be loved and cherished. I want to feel wanted and needed, and that I am here for a reason - and that reason is being needed. I want to see the lengths you're willing to go to be with me, not just when you screw up." 

Steven was nodding while she spoke, silently agreeing. He could do all that - he'll be more than happy to do all that. 

"I want to be loved decently. I deserve it. I know that now. You may have noticed - I'm not on my knees for you now." She smiled in a wicked way, "_ You'll _ have to be on your knees for me now. _ If _ you want me around."

"I do want you around… and, and you're right to want to feel loved… I'll do all that, for you. I want you to feel loved." Steven raised his hands, smiling softly. Feeling like a heavy weight has fallen from his shoulders - like he was finally swimming up to the surface after drowning for so long. 

"Better make me feel like no one else does." She teased. 

“I’ll do that. That’s what- what you did to me. I’m so sorry I didn’t appreciate it - but I’ll make sure to treat you like you deserve it, Spinel. I'll do anything…" 

"That's good. Because I want something only you can give me now." 

Spinel leaned forward, balancing on her hands. Just like she did two days ago. 

Steven blushed suddenly, getting some ideas.

"Yes…?"

She reached her hand out - grabbing Steven's shirt and tugging him towards herself. 

"I want to feel good now, like only you can make me feel." 

Steven nodded. He got the hint, and he wanted to do it as well. He held one hand over her own clenching his shirt, and used the other one to balance himself as he leaned forward to meet her.

Nodding back, Spinel put her lips against his own. This time was different from their previous kisses - this time she knew what she wanted and how to go for it. She licked his lips, getting a taste of that salty human skin, before placing her lips over his own and sticking her tongue between his lips. Steven opened his mouth, quite shyly at that, and tried to relax as he let her tongue enter inside and explore, and fill his mouth with that taste of vanilla cotton candy that she always had. 

His gem started to glow up again, painting the scenery with soft pink hues, and the longer it lasted - the better it started to feel to Spinel. His powers were coming back - he finally felt like he made a change again. 

Steven held onto her hand with both of his, not breaking the kiss. Spinel let him hold her hands, intercepting their fingers together and holding his hands down while they were at it. She was a little taller right now - causing Steven to bend his head up to keep kissing her when she pinned his hands down. 

She broke it momentarily, reveling in this. She held control. She decided when the itty bitty Stevie would have more of her - and when he would not. 

When Steven whined and tried to raise up to reconnect with her - she laughed in a slightly evil manner, but kissed him again eventually. And Steven loved that - he loved that she took charge and left him begging, restricted, wishing. Not in control… He moaned slightly, as Spinel took her pleasure from him.

And she sure took it, feeling that hot liquid pour into her very soul again. It cleaned her heart and made her feel elated. She felt herself get a blush on her cheeks, as the familiar sensations sent her high up into the clouds of pleasure again. She was taking it. She was being in charge of all that happened. This time she knew what she was getting, and Steven also had a choice and a say - and he chose to do this too and tell her "yes". 

She noticed that Steven was making his silly noises again, moaning against her mouth, struggling but looking happy to do so. She broke the kiss and held his hands down with her own, while she cupped the side of Steven's face. He nuzzled against her touch, crying a little bit. He was just so happy to have her back - he could hardly believe it was really happening.

"Why do you do that?" She asked curiously. "Those noises. Is that because you also feel warm inside? Is that how you feel good?" 

"Y-yes." 

She nuzzled against his face, "I want to know how to make you feel good too, Steven."

"It's fine, really, I just… I like to be held down. Maybe…" 

"That's not what I mean. I want to know more than that. But… only if you want me to. I don't want to rush you either." 

So that's what she wanted now, huh. Steven thought about it, thought about feeling… secure with Spinel, as it could be. Feeling ready to go all the way with her... But perhaps a room which could be entered at any time, with a wide open balcony for any bypassing gem to look inside of - was not the best place to figure things out at for the first time. But he felt that… he trusted her, and wanted to tell her more. 

"You do make me feel safe. And I want to have… uhm… I want to be close with you in that… intimate human way. Just… maybe not today, and maybe not here." 

She let go of his hands. Was she pushing him where he didn't want to go? 

Spinel wanted to be in charge. But she wanted to have Steven's consent while she was at it. Not otherwise. 

"No, wait, I mean - it's not because of anything right now… I just don't want anyone walking in on us. This room can't exactly… be locked up for security."

"Oh." She nodded, understanding. Right, it was sacred. 

"Yes. But… but I do want _ this _… to happen… between us… just a few more kisses, maybe... " 

Steven covered his face as he said that, blushing. Was he bad at putting his thoughts to words right now? Possibly, quite possibly. 

But then, to his surprise and relief, something comforting happened. He peeked out between his fingers - Spinel sincerely giggled at him. 

"Hehe, you're afraid of them walking in on us, yet you still want to make out now?" 

Steven blushed, "Well maybe so… I'm a teenager, what's your excuse?" 

Spinel took hold of his hands again, wrapping his wrists into her hands and holding them down with a smile. 

"I guess I have none…" she kissed him more, sucking on his lips as she almost bit him just to get more of his taste into her mouth. 

Spinel grabbed both of his hands into one of her arms, then leaned back and put her fingers to her lips, hushing. She reached her hand out for Steven, holding her bitten places for him to kiss better. Steven noticed the marks, but paid them no mind right now, as he was a little carried with the flow of the moment and didn't want it to end. He kissed over the given surfaces, and Spinel watched with fascination as her marks slowly disappeared, making her skin smooth again. The pain was no longer there, and now no longer would there be the scars. This was a bit of cheating, but she really felt good no. So good that she didn't want to look back at the time she was so hurt that she brought more pain. She let the boy work on kissing her other hand, then grabbed Steven's hands, tangling her fingers with his own. Looking down at him, at this loving look he was giving her - a pure look of sincere adoration and happiness - she felt so much lighter, as if everything was finally back in place in her life. 

"I knew you'd be back." She smiled, letting go of one of his hands and laying down on her back by his side, one hand still tightly holding Steven's. 

"Of course I would. I love you." The boy laid down too, turning to his side to face her. 

"And need me?"

"And need you. And want to be with you." 

"Maybe you're unhealthy obsessed?" Spinel laughed. 

"I honestly could not care less." Steven laughed back, happily. 

“Don’t you know that I’m toxic?” She teased. 

Steven brought her hand to his mouth, kissing it lightly. 

“Still don’t care.” 

“I’m a monster.” 

“Lucky for you I specialize in loving monsters.” The boy smiled, remembering every single corrupted gem monster he had found a place in his heart for. 

“I’ve done bad things.” Spinel kept going, her smile very faintly fading down. 

“Nobody’s perfect.” 

“I threatened Connie.” 

Steven blinked twice, shaking his head. 

“Haha, what?” 

“Yeah, you know after I was back from the Garden, how I left to have a chat with her…” Spinel stared up at the ceiling, one of her legs nested over the other, and her free hand was now over her gem. “I kinda maybe pushed her from the staircase and reeled back up, and told her that I’ll kill her if I see her near you again.” 

“Ah.” Steven replied, looking at the calm expression with which Spinel was telling him all that. He laid on his back too, still gripping her hand in his own. He mirrored her pose, as people do when they like somebody. 

“Well I… wish it had worked.” 

Spinel turned her head at him in surprise. 

“I mean - you shouldn’t kill people, yeah. But she really should have just… stopped bothering us. I don’t think I blame you. If someone trapped me in a place where I was traumatised severely, and wiped my memory so that someone could take advantage of me - I’d probably be mad at them too.” 

“I told her I’d kill her.” Spinel clarified, not sure that Steven was getting just how grim and wrong her action was. 

“Yeah. Wish it’d work.” Steven repeated. 

Spinel sat up, looking at him in utter (although somewhat comforted) shock. 

“She message me this morning.” Steven told, “Saying how she started dating this other girl this morning, and she finally realized that wanting to be with each other is normal for couples.” 

“And, well, what’d you-”

“Basically,” Steven turned towards her, “Told her to fuck off.” 

Spinel chuckled, holding her cheek, “Really?”

“May have worded it differently, but that was the point.” 

“Yeah, you don’t talk like that.” She booped his nose, “You’re pure. I’m the one swearing in this relationship.” 

“Hehe, you can be.” 

“And I’m the one in charge in this relationship.” She clarified, just to make sure. 

“I hope you are.” Steven nodded. He looked to the side, suddenly. “I’m… really sorry, Spinel. I don’t what’s gotten over me. It’s just how I kept getting told… pressured by people around… Okay, mostly Connie. I let… let what others told me - convince me I was wrong, and wouldn’t have known better for myself. In our own relationship.” 

Spinel sighed, relieved. 

“I’m just glad we’re back together.” 

She felt him grip her hand tighter. 

“Let’s… I mean, I’m the one who needs to learn this. But let’s make sure we talk things out better in the future. I’ll make sure to listen to you better. And let you change my mind." 

Spinel laid down over his chest, crossing her arms and staring lovingly at him. She let her legs sway in the air behind her. 

“Agreed.” Was purred softly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1st song: Steven's little bit from "True Kinda Love".  
2nd song: Love You Like A Love Song by Selena Gomez.  
3rd song: Toxic by Britney Spears.


	13. A Single Pale Bud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff!! Fluff for you, fluff for everyone!  
Picnic! Kisses! Bites!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best! Thank you so much! I cherish every feedback I get dearly.  
So here is some fluff for you.  
Some innocent fluff  
Just some fluff  
c :

_ Do you know that feeling? When you let your trauma get the best of you? When you know you're wrong, but you can't help it? _

_ It was just like this the last time it happened. I don't want it to happen to me again. So I'll fight it. I'll do anything it takes. I won't let anything remind me of the way it was back then. _

_ Even if I have to be unreasonable for it. _

_ And I know I'm wrong. But it won't stop me. _

_ And… that’s why I've got to be more grateful for having you in my life. _

_ You actually put up with me. _

As she was deep in her thoughts, Spinel bit into the unfamiliar food in her hands, looking at Steven with a fond smile, while he looked just between concerned and humoured. 

And the next moment she grimaced, spitting out. 

"What _ was _that?" She asked, sticking her tongue out and rubbing the taste off it. 

"That was a lemon, Spinel." Steven laughed at her silly reaction, "I didn't mean to mix it up, sorry. It's sour, isn't it?"

Steven grabbed the bitten citrus and hid it back into the basket. 

They were having a lovely picnic date in their Garden, and it was Steven's idea to let her taste more Earthly food than just donuts. He grabbed whatever got under his hand in the garden on Homeworld and rushed to have the picnic sooner, and it seems he grabbed a whole lemon while he was at it. 

"Makes my mouth feel funny. Not good funny." Spinel spoke, still stretching her tongue out of her mouth.

She looked up at her boyfriend with a hint sparkling in her eyes. And Steven got that hint. 

"You want me to kiss it better?"

She nodded, letting him scoot closer on their shared picnic blanket, and kiss her on the lips, as she finally retracted her tongue back in for a good matter. They have gotten pretty good at not laughing halfway through their kisses. 

"I like the taste of you the most. You taste sweet. Like home." 

Spinel circled her hands around Steven, holding him close to herself. She loved that comfort that he brought with his presence. It was not even painted over by their recent disagreements in the slightest, although the memories were still there, and were… sour. 

"I guess I don't like sour."

"It's alright, maybe you'll like salty things? I've got some sandwiches… if you let me reach for the basket." 

"I don't think I will." Spinel laid her head on his shoulder softly. 

Her hair tickled his face. Steven didn't protest or struggle, feeling very safe with her wrapped all around him like that and nuzzling against his shoulder. It was very serene. 

The Garden was coming to life, very slowly. Flowers that they planted made it smell good there once again, instead of the constant rotten smell, even though only in a small area yet. It was still dark and dim, but with their efforts it was getting lighter. The two love birds were lighting it up with their love. 

Finally content, finally happy together again. And so it will be… 

"Spinel?" 

By now she was learning to tense up at the sound of her name being called. 

"Yes…?" 

"I know you fear something." 

That confused her, yet Spinel only leaned to the side, laughing. "I don't fear anyone!" She retracted her hands from Steven, standing up to a fighting position and making her fists bigger. "I can't be taken down! I'm not afraid of everyone - I'll kick anyone's butt if I have to!" 

It was so cute about her, Steven almost felt bad for ruining her little idyllic thought of indestructibility. 

"But you're afraid not to be in charge?"

Making her hands small again and rubbing them together awkwardly, Spinel glanced at him with fear momentarily, her hair going down. 

"I… thought I was in charge?" 

"You are, you are!" Steven quickly assured, watching for her hair go up again. She needed that comfort right now, even if it was a tad delusional, "I just want to make sure - you're aware that that's your weak spot, right?"

Weak spot? What did he mean?

"What do you mean?" She sat back down next to him. 

"Don't get me wrong. I'm very content with you being in charge - I like it! But it's clear as day that you've got… uh, issues with it. And one day it could… get you in trouble." 

Her hair stayed down. 

"No trouble with me. With other people." 

It went back up a little. Very much like bunny ears.

"What sort of trouble?"

Steven scratched the back of his head, "It's hard to give a direct example… but I just think that you should… that _ we _should work on helping you work through it. I get that you're scared - that you were traumatized by obeying an order… I'm sorry." He reached to grab her hand. "I want to help you climb out of it." 

Spinel gripped his hand back. 

"Are we having a session?" She asked smallish. 

Their sessions. The times they sat down and talked about feelings, being as honest as they could manage to be with each other. The times they worked together to better each other's mental health, because apparently it was what healthy couples did - wished better for each other. Or maybe just them. 

"I guess, I mean, if you want us to. I just felt a need to mention. You know I care about you, Spinel." 

He thought that must have sounded so sweet - oh how he loved that feeling! He was being loving and making her feel good, wasn't he? For sure now she would smile at him for such heartwarming words of support and thank him kindly, and talk more about working on her issues. But sadness painted her face as she looked down. 

"You're too good for me." 

He could have said he wasn't. But realized that Spinel wouldn't be convinced by the argument. So instead he reached out to hug her, holding the smaller gem in his arms.

"That's just kindness, Spinel. You've always deserved it. I'm sorry you didn't always have it." _ But I'll make you used to it. _

She thought about his words, slowly hugging him back and holding on tight. 

"So… what exactly do you want me to do? I guess… if anyone can tell me what to do - it can only ever be you. So maybe it's okay…" 

"Just… You know, couples don't usually have power imbalance. We can be equal, and we can ask each other for favours, and we can have our comfort boundaries… and it can be safe. Do you trust me?" 

It didn't sound like the truth to her, but at the same time she realised he was right. And she wouldn't mind to have that sense of security he offered, just like the one Garnet gave her. But it wouldn't be an easy thing - to start feeling this way.

To start feeling this comfort with Steven because of a trust that he wouldn't use or abandon her. Again. 

And not because of that dreading feeling that he could kick her ass at any time, had she dropped the cotton candy facade and showed her spikes. Like with Garnet. 

"That'd be nice. But it really won't be easy for me." She finally concluded. 

"That's alright. I'll be with you the whole time." 

She pushed him back out of nowhere. 

"Why are you like this?!" Her voice raised, "Why are you so kind to me and willing to put up with me?" 

_ What do you want from me? How are you planning to use me?! _

The boy blinked at her, taking a minute to let the shift - the mood swing - sink in, "I don't put up with you. I love you!" 

He reached a hand out - fully expecting it to be slapped away - and waited. Whatever has came over her - Spinel was sobbing and shaking now, suddenly unsure of her whole life. But also and most importantly - vulnerable. She sobbed and moved closer - jumping straight to hugging Steven again, and placing her head on his shoulder. It got wet from her tears. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay…” He whispered, holding her close and petting her back slowly. 

“It’s not… I’m sorry, I don’t… don’t know what’s wrong with me…” She cried. 

“It’s okay, I promise it is. Take your time… all the time and tears you need, Spinel. I’m here.” He placed a hand over her head softly, “I’ve got you.” 

“But I- I’m just making it worse, I’m just being a mess, I, I…”

“You’re spiraling, yes. But it’s okay. I’ve got you.” 

He wasn’t sure what was that either, although Steven had a decent experience of dealing with people’s varying emotions. This probably went on the “mood swings” tab, if not anxiety attack. But she didn’t seem to be hyperventilating. And she was letting him hold her - usually she’d be scared to feel held in place at times like that. So this was a good sign. 

Steven loved this. He learned her signs and her habits, and her ways and her mood swings. He could - almost always - tell what she needed to hear to feel better. Knew how to help her fight her demons. And he saw that he was making so many changes, as he helped her grow past her pain. 

And on top of all that - she made him so happy, he just wanted to be together with her all the time.

Isn’t it, oh isn’t it love? 

Steven didn’t even notice - it was purely a subconscious decision for him - when he turned his head and kissed the back of her head softly. 

Spinel stopped crying, the wave of sadness disappearing as quickly as it washed over her. No longer drowning in it, she swam back up to the surface. 

“Thank you.” 

“It’s okay. I love you.” 

“Sorry.” Though she still hasn’t swam all the way up yet. 

“It’s okay.”  
“I’m really sorry, Steven.” 

“I get it, Spinel, it’s okay.” 

“But it’s not, and I’m sorry you put up with it.” 

“Now you’re just going in circles.” 

“Sorry…” 

“Spinel...” Steven suddenly felt as if his arguments wouldn’t have helped here. She was just suddenly… stuck in the moment of saying that word. Could he pull her out of it? “It’s okay. You don’t have to say you’re sorry.” 

“But I feel like I should, I’m… sorry, I just… sorry I’m just doing it again, I’m…” 

No wonder she punched him almost any time he tried to say it to her - it reminded her of her own weakness with the word. 

They looped around few more times, and Steven did not come any closer to breaking her out of that “sorry” cycle. 

So he did the second best cure he knew for emotions like that. 

“You know? It’s okay, just say that you’re sorry as much as you feel like you need to. But know that I already forgave you.” 

He still held her, not having parted for a single moment, having a wet shoulder of his shirt and feeling her twitch in his arms from the slowly subduing sobbing. 

“Sorry…” 

This went on for another minute. 

And then… she felt better. Spinel leaned back, rubbing her eyes. 

"Thank you. I feel better." 

"That's good."

"So I have something to do now." 

"Huh?" The boy tilted his head like a curious puppy. 

"You made me feel better. Sooo…" she booped his nose, "I want to do something for you!"

Steven giggled, "You don't owe me anything for-"

"But I want to make you happy and I _ will _." She giggled, springing herself up to her toes. "Hehehe, what games do you love to play, Steven?" 

"Me? Oh I love…" he loved so many things, including Spinel, that it was hard to pick a reply at first, "I love music! And swimming. But most of all…" he got up, "I love you!" 

“I love you too!” Spinel laughed more, pure and happy, grabbing his hand and heading out of the Garden. "Come on, I know a place where we can combine all three!" 

~ ~ ~ 

"Okay, okay, I'll be right behind you, I'll grab the radio." 

Steven stopped in his room to grab the little portable radio, while Spinel happily skipped down the ladders, preparing to have a little swimming and dancing fun with Steven. 

She grew to love this Earthly place. His room, the bed they slept in, the stairs to rest on, the room with the kitchen and a little coffee table by the couch where Amethyst sat chatting with Jasper, and the door to the… 

Record scratched as her train of thought paused. Spinel stopped in place, almost falling off the edge of the corner stairs - but spinning her hands in circles until she regained her balance back. She stared at the two gems. In shock. 

The two quartzes stared back at her. 

"Hey Spins." Amethyst raised her hand. She was smiling. With her mouth only. Her eyes were just a little worried as she glanced back at Jasper. 

The buff gem squinted at Spinel… but only looked confused about her, and no more. 

"Hey Amethyst. Who's… your friend?" Spinel tried. 

She tried. She tried to stay calm. She had not forgotten that she utterly hated Jasper. She had not forgotten being a small and helpless Spinel who's wrist she grabbed with a lot of force, aiming to hit her in the face to make her mad and use her fighting to satisfy her twisted needs… Spinel tensed up, her hair going up and getting spiky, rougher in texture. 

Jasper stated at her, confused. Amethyst was growing worried… 

But then the scenery changed. Steven appeared in the staircase, holding the radio, some other objects, and… having noticeably less clothes on. Just his swimming trunks and sandals. He came down, still smiling and laughing innocently, as he grabbed Spinel's hand and led her with him. He greeted Amethyst and Jasper on his way down. 

Jasper watched intently as Steven grabbed Spinel's hand and raised it to his mouth for a kiss. As she laughed softly. As he led her by the hand. As they didn't want to part for a second. The orange gem clenched her fist. 

The lovebirds exited the house, heading towards the beach. Spinel finally took a closer look at the things Steven brought with himself. It was an umbrella, a blanket, and a radio. She sat by the shore and watched as he set the umbrella up, above the blanket he straightened out, then set the radio down and turned it on, listing through the channels for some upbeat music to go with this. 

While he worked on setting things up, Spinel glanced around. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, blinding. Warm. She felt her gem heat up with the rays that passed through her gem and stayed there from all the mirroring turns they took. She felt the warmth of this massive star - resting softly on her face and body. Just to think that it has traveled millions of kilometers, just to make her day feel a little better... Made her feel calm. This was nothing like the Garden. And it would never be again. She was free now. Living a good life now, a life of her own. No Pink, no one to fight, nothing to fear… 

Spinel turned to sit towards the sea, stretching her legs out and supporting herself with her hands from behind, staring out into the endless horizon. 

She could hear Steven laugh happily somewhere behind her. She closed her eyes. 

Today, right here, right now, life was good.

...A touch on the shoulder brought her back to reality. 

"Come on, let's go. The water is fine! Race ya!" Steven rushed towards the water as he said so. 

How naive. She let him think he was going to win… and then stretched across and reached the water first into just two steps from where she sat. 

"That's not fair!" Steven laughed, entering the water after her. 

The water felt so new. Soft, it felt like it hugged her anywhere it reached, and held her. But held her safely, securely, ready to let go the moment she would have wanted. Spinel stood where the water reached her waistband. She leveled down, only keeping her eyes above the water level. Up close it looked even better… 

And then splashes! Steven splashed her! He waved his hands, making the water splash her way. Spinel laughed, covering her face at first, but then putting her hands down and accepting this silly shower, as it was so much fun. 

"Alright, my turn!" 

She extended her arms up into the airs, stretching them out. 

Steven barely managed to get one small and worried "Spinel-" out, as she slammed her hands on the water, creating waves that sent Steven floating a few meters away. 

"Are you alright?!" She asked, momentarily worried that it was too much. 

Steven turned over, holding his hand up with all the fingers curled but the thumb staying up. 

"I'm fine!" He reassured, swimming back closer and smiling, "Come on, let's go, I'll show you more!" 

He swam towards the horizon. Spinel walked after him with her hands held together behind her back, slowly submerging under water as she went. It was even more beautiful here, although a little blurry. The sunshine that traveled through the water was so… breathtakingly beautiful. Spinel opened her mouth in ave, and then opened it wider, surprised at the bubbles of air that escaped her and swam up to the surface, where Steven was swimming by. 

"Whoa!" she would have said, but she was underwater, so what she said was "Glubl!"

She saw Steven dive down and point to the side for her. She looked where she was prompted to, seeing sights that she had never seen before. Beautiful forest of corals and reefs, alive and vibrant with colours, filled with many different types of fishes and sea critters that swam or scuttled all around in their busy aquatic life. 

Seeing how Steven swam, Spinel copied his motions, and soon they both swam through the sightful places. Steven would occasionally swim up for air, but when he was down - he would hold her hand during their explorations. All this felt so warm - Spinel was surprised that she wasn't boiling the water around herself. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Who was that gem?"

"Oh it's Spinel. She kinda tried to kill Steven but now they're dating." Amethyst rubbed her nose. "Sure glad that happened. She's kind of better than the other gems who tried to kill him."

"A lot of gems tried to kill Steven Diamond?" Jasper placed her hands on her knees, listening to her caring sister intently. 

"Ya, some weren't happy that he existed, some weren't happy he was helping them."

She held her hands together, shyly. "Did I ever?…" 

Amethyst hesitated to answer. 

"Uh… yeah, once. But you didn't know what was going on so it's fine. Also it's just Steven. He doesn't go by "diamond"." 

"Why is he with Spinel?" 

The orange gem deposited her head on her hands. 

"I dunno, why was Bonnie with Clyde? Rose with Jack? Lone Samurai with sword? Why was Pearl with… Rose." 

Amethyst stood up, glancing up at the portrait on the wall. 

"Because they all felt… like they found their other halves with each other." 

"But how did they know? How did they all know it was forever?" Jasper knew nothing about the names Amethyst mentioned, but guessed they were couples. 

Amethyst pondered on the question she asked for a good minute. Then she shrugged. 

"Guess they just were together and talked things out till the end. Love just kinda… happens."

~ ~ ~ 

Love just kinda happens. Love just kinda occurs. Love can be cruel. Love can make a warrior that will face off the Diamonds themselves - out of a single pale pearl. Love empowers. Love elates. 

Steven floofed his drying hair up, sitting down on the blanket besides Spinel. 

"You have her hair." She noted, watching him shake his head and send splashes all around. 

Steven looked at her cautiously, since she brought up _ her _ \- the one who didn't always needs to be named - but Spinel seemed quite alright to do that. At peaceful times like those she seemed much more content with things that would have otherwise sent her hyperventilating. 

But was she really alright, or was she putting up a mental war at the moments like those? Spinel herself couldn't tell. Sometimes it just… felt alright to say it. 

"I would have never guessed that you have anything to do with her." She continued. "You're… nothing like a diamond. I mean - nothing like she was back then. You're kind and caring… you don't put yourself above anyone." 

Steven just listened, having nothing to contribute, and watching her do a lot of progress as she'd open up about the most traumatizing person in her life. 

Luckily she was gone and never coming back. 

And Steven and Spinel were here, existing, experiencing the world each in their own unique way, and being happy. 

Steven looked towards the horizon, in the same direction Spinel was facing in her pacified melancholy. As they sat next to each other - the boy reached his hand to hold over her own, not without a worry. But Spinel allowed for that, not even twitching her hand as he placed his own down in it. Only smiling about it, looking out at the setting sun and the bright future to come… 

And then the rain clouds rolled in. 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel helped Steven curl up into a blanket on his bed. It was raining cats and dogs outside, as they settled in safely. 

"Jee I won't be surprised if I catch a cold from this." Steven rubbed at his nose. 

The phrase flew over Spinel's head, but she continued to help him. Now that the boy was in his pajamas (for once she didn't steal a part of it) and curled up in his blanket, she made sure he was comfortable in other ways, such as bringing the pillows closer and making a bit of a nest around the them. 

"Humans needs so much care." She mused, "It's kind of cute."

_ Wish gems needed it. Then maybe someone would come looking for me. Or I'd just die. _

"You should have seen the children. Human babies. They can't do anything without adults. They needs diapers changed and food blendered, and baths like every day. And all that, constantly, just to survive for the first few years. They're so… fragile too." 

Spinel moved to sit in front of Steven, and looked him in the eyes with a serious expression as she said, 

"That sounds like fun but I literally have no idea what do any of those words mean."

Steven only smiled softly, curling further into the blanket. Its warmth wasn't enough. 

"Wish we actually stayed on Homeworld as we meant to. Then _ I'd _ be the one telling you all about the stuff you don't know, like you’re some sort of an Era 2 techniwielding firstdayer." She lovingly insulted him. 

"I have no idea what does that mean." 

She smiled, finally letting him feel how she felt once again, but then her expression was tinted with worry. 

"You're still shaking." 

"Not warm enough." 

"Where can I find more blankets for ya?" 

"I don't think they'll be of help much… but if you could… uhm…" 

"Yes?" 

Spinel looked so innocently ready to do anything it took to make him feel better. How did the boy ever think he'd let her go from his life? In a matter of a few seconds, Steven reached his hands out for her, grabbed Spinel, brought her next to him under the covers, and curled back up into the blanket, now covering his blushing cheeks with a corner of it. Spinel made a squeaky toy noise as she was relocated, like some sort of a… toy. A child's favourite toy that he always clung to, and wouldn’t sleep without. She just blinked at that at first. 

Trying to read the expression on her face for any sign of discomfort, Steven hesitated before finding the need to explain his action, "I… when people cuddle, they… usually warmer..." 

Nope, he couldn't do it now. He just hid his face further into the blanket, hoping that he could just make the moment last without the awkwardness…

And then he felt two soft hands find their way around his body and hug him. 

"It is kind of nice." Spinel said, holding onto him. "And warm. Buuut we're still going to Homeworld later, right?" 

"Yes, right." 

He'd go anywhere. Because anywhere was perfect with her by his side. 

The rain continued to tap on the window, as the two cuddled peacefully, safe from any trouble in their shared little perfect world, holding onto each other in this serene and comfortable shared silence...

~ ~ ~ 

"Do you feel like we're forgetting anything?" Steven put a finger to his lips, trying to remember if he forgot anything back on Earth, now that they were on Homeworld again. 

"Hmmm…" Spinel looped her hands as she counted, "We told the gems we'll be staying here, we got some junk food for you and blankets, we warned the Diamonds… we didn't forget anything that you'd need." She extended the loops she made and coiled them around Steven. "And I know I've got everything I need with me, right here." 

"Aww." Steven leaned against her touch. 

_ Finally just some peace and quiet ahead of us, with nothing to worry about, _thought the boy. 

Suddenly Spinel uncoiled, remembering, "Our pajamas!” 

_ “Our” pajamas? But they’re not… well… okay. _

“I’ll be right back I’ll just fetch them up.” 

“Do you want my jacket with you?” 

“Oh… yeah, sure.” 

Steven gave Spinel his jacket, as they usually did. Spinel zipped it up, giggling about how well it fit her. Then she ran to the nearby warp pad. Steven leaned against the nearby wall, waiting, musing, happily thinking of the next fun things they’ll do together… 

Someone lurked around the corner. Steven turned his head towards the noise maker - Pink Pearl was looking at him from behind the corner wall, only having her eye and a hand visible to him. 

Oh, right, her. 

“Pip?” Steven tried to wave to greet her. 

She came out of her hiding spot, and Steven could see that she was now dressed in full attire of his deceased mother. 

“Oh boy.” He sighed, “Pip, I… think we really need to talk.” 

“Pink?” She said, shaking a little, but looking very furious. 

“Yeah, about that… I’m sorry. I think I’ve been neglecting to try and help you face… the loss. I’m sorry. But it’s not too late to help you, right?”

But it was too late. 

“I’m not talking to _ you _.” 

Pip came closer and reached her hand - grabbing Steven by the shirt and tossing him to the floor. 

“Ow!” He made a noise, while the little pearl turned him on his back and raised his shirt. 

“Pink? Can you hear me?” 

_ Man I really gotta stop letting pink gems toss me around and remove my clothes. _

“She’s not there, Pip. She’s not secretly alive and stuck because of me around her. We’ve… been there. We’ve checked. It’s just another pink me there. Please let me go now. We can talk about your feelings.”

Steven tried to grab onto Pearl’s hand - but she slapped him painfully the next moment. Her gem shined - as she summoned a weapon. It wasn’t her own - it was borrowed. Steven recognized it - the tool for removing gems. 

He raised his hands up, shielding from her, “Pip, no, wait! Please, listen to me! I know what you’re thinking! But if you take my gem out - Pink won’t reform! She’s not there anymore! She’s gone!!!” 

He was screaming that on top of his lungs, but it only made the matter worse, as Pip started to cry, looking down at him with a weapon in her arms. 

“I’m sorry, but it is how it is now! She gave up her form to let me be born and live!” 

“She didn’t even know you!” She cried back. 

“No, but… but she knew I’d be! I’d exist! And I’d be loved! She… wanted me to be loved!” 

“Don’t say that! You don’t know anything about her! You don’t know who was she and what she loved and whom she loved!” Pip raised the weapon up. “She loved me!!!” 

“She did! She loved you and she’s gone now!” Steven got ready to summon his shield, but he wanted to talk this out peacefully if he could. “And she would have wanted you to be happy!” 

Pip’s hand trembled, so did her chin. She cried from the one eye she had left. She lowered her hands slowly. 

_ There we go. _

“I’m sorry. She loved you, maybe more than I ever knew about her loving anyone. If it makes you feel better… she never loved Pearl - her other pearl. Just. At all.” 

Pip was crying over him, but seemingly not listening. At least she was not attacking him. 

“She would have wanted you to be alright again, and to be… yourself. She believed in the beauty of uniqueness and…” 

“Stop.” She frowned, “Stop talking like you knew her! You didn’t! She…” Now Pip seemed to grow angrier as she spoke. “She loved to play with me, she had a special name for me! She called me “Perlyna” - not some stupid “Pip” like you all do now! She loved me… and then she just… she just…” Pip held onto herself for support, barely talking through her tears. “And she just left me behind!” 

_ Oh boy. _

“I’m sor-”

“She just left me be there! She could have done something - anything! Could have agreed to be beaten up again or- or could have agreed to have me back if she finished her colony!” Pip held onto her missing eye, her hands grasping the surface and the weapon in anger, “And she never did!!!” 

Steven gulped down in worry. It’s true - Pink was prone to leaving things and people behind, and never thinking of the consequences of that. And Pip was just as much a victim of it as most of her lost treasures. Steven suddenly felt very bad that he never thought to help her through this. 

Why didn’t he start the “Pink’s victims therapy club” as he wanted to? 

His mind trailed off momentarily, and was brought back to the scenery with another batch of her screaming. And more. 

The warp pad activated behind the two. Spinel returned. 

“I don’t get it!” Screamed Pip. “Is it because I wasn’t good enough, is it because I didn’t play nice? She left me behind after all the talks of how dear I was to her…” 

Spinel dropped the pajamas on the warp pad, seeing Steven pinned down and the single pale pearl with a weapon, crying above him and talking about a trauma she knew all too well. 

“Did she hate me? Did you hate me, Pink?!” 

Pip raised her weapon. 

Steven froze in fear. 

Spinel launched at the two, her gem shining. 

And then there was a sound of a glass breaking. And a human boy screaming. Steven screamed, screamed from the shock of pain and a sudden chill going through his whole body and sucking out his life senses. And then the pain in his stomach took over everything else, blurring his vision and hearing as he fell back started to faint. 

He faintly saw Pip holding up some sort of a pink shard. And then a pink figure starting to form out of it. 

And then a familiar white blur of a weapon sliced through both pink blurs before his eyes. 

And then he fainted… 

~ ~ ~ 

“...ven? Steven!? STEVEN!!!” 

Someone was shaking him. But the voice struck a familiar string in him - a heart string. 

Steven hummed weakly, letting the shaker in who’s arms he resided - know that he was awake. 

“Steven!” Spinel hugged him, as his eyes finally focused and he saw her. She was crying. Expectably. 

“Spinel… I’m… I’m fine really, but what… what happened… where’s…” 

Steven reached his hand down towards his stomach. He felt… something… was wrong. Steven raised his shirt up - something was definitely wrong. His gem… was shattered. 

But he didn’t feel like he was dying? Steven looked closer - he had exactly half of his gem intact and in place. But where… what… how? 

“What happened?!”

“I’m so sorry.” Spinel said, holding him closer, “Pip hit your gem and split it in half and into- into so many shards - before I could get her! I’m so sorry, I should have been faster!” 

“Shards? Where are the shards?” 

“They’re here. In you. The other pearls found us and Blue gave me some of the “healing water”. I think it was…”

“The water from the fountain.” Steven concluded, looking down at his half a gem. So it was back in place with the bits. But the other half…? 

“Where’s the other half?” 

“It’s here.” Spinel pulled it out from the pocket of Steven’s jacket, that was still zipped up on her, “Blue had very little with her - just a small tube. We barely got all the bits back together, but didn’t have any left to give you the other half.” 

Steven took the half a gem from her hands. 

“It’s okay.” He sighed in relief. 

“It is?” Spinel’s hair perked up, like a surprised bunny’s ears. 

“Yeah. Don’t worry… we won’t even need more healing water for this. See, the thing is…” 

Steven sat up comfortably, ready to explain the situation to her - finally noticing that they were on the floor of the pink room - when someone walked in. 

It was Pink Pearl. But she was dressed in the attire Steven saw her have the first time they met. If one could even call that a meeting. 

“Does she…” He started to ask carefully. 

“I do remember.” Pip instantly replied. 

She did remember. But she no longer looked ready to kill him. Instead, she was holding herself together, looking very guilty and sorry before the two. 

“I’m… sorry… I wasn’t… I don’t know what was I even thinking…” 

Spinel growled at her, keeping Steven closer to herself. But the boy didn’t seem to react negatively. 

“I’m just glad you’ve calmed down.” He said, standing up. 

Spinel stood up with him, letting the still weak boy place one hand over her shoulders, to hold on for support. 

“Pink’s… uh… _ Your _ gem… it’s…” 

“It’s fine, Pip. I was going to explain it to you two anyways.” Steven held up the half a gem in his hand. “See, the thing is - I’m half human and half a gem. I’m not Pink. Pink is gone, forever. She doesn’t live in this gem. Once it will shine up - you both will see me form out of it. But… more pink me. Pink Steven, if you will… and then I’ll be able to fuse back with him.”

The two pink gems looked at him in utter confusion. 

“We’ve been through this. White… tried to pull my gem out, because she thought Pink was hiding inside of it. You know. About two Earthly years ago.” 

This still didn’t make much sense, but the two gems worried about that less. Spinel nudged Steven. 

“So uh… when pink you reforms - you’ll be fine? You’ll be whole again? And you’ll be alright, is that what you’re saying?” 

“Yes. Just wait a little bit.” 

“I, uh…” Spinel’s voice trembled a little bit from the worry, “I think there… may be a problem with it.”

“Huh?”

“You see…” She tsked, “When I… saw Pip attack you - I rushed over to save you… and I only had my rejuvenator with me so I struck her with it.”

Steven smiled softly, “Well, that’s fine. She’s right here and already got her memories back after all.” 

“That’s true… buuut…” Spinel glanced at the half a gem in his hand with worry. “She… wasn’t the only one I hit…” 

Steven blinked. 

“I didn’t even see the pink Steven reforming - I thought my eyes were deceiving me because I could see you - normal you - right there on the floor, so I thought - why would a pink you be there? So I uh…” She closed her eyes, “I hit him too.” 

Steven glanced back at his gem in a quick worry. _He doubted_. But then he took a deep breath and carried on. 

“Well… then I guess he’ll reform as an infant gem.” He chuckled, “We’ll just have to remind him of what makes him - himself. Like take him to Earth and show him… things I love! Or… or maybe he’ll reform as me now - but with no memories! Oh, won’t that be interesting?” 

The boy laughed more, feeling more than positive about this. 

“Are you sure?” Spinel didn’t trust his laughter. Did she have a special sense built into her to tell when Steven masked his true emotions? 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Oh gosh… you’ll probably see me being a baby…” He placed a hand at his cheek, pretending to blush, “Jee, that’s so embarrassing, haha…”

“What’s a baby.” Spinel blinked at him. 

And then his gem lit up. It floated up, flying over to the side. Pip ducked down, now watching from the floor as it started to reform. 

Steven held onto Spinel tighter, and the gem returned the favour. 

“We’ll be fine.” He whispered. “I promise.” 

She trusted him. 

They watched as the gem formed into the first Pink Diamond’s shape at first. And now they would watch as it’d shape into Rose, and then into Steven… 

But it never did. 

Pink’s body stopped shining, as her form became solid and she landed on the floor before them. She opened her eyes, looking at the three pink gems before her. 

Steven and Spinel held onto each other tighter, paralyzed. Both of their gems were hidden from the view.

But Pip’s one wasn’t. A single tear formed at her eye. She held her hands together, breathing out what she said next in a prayer that was answered.

“It’s really you…” 

Pink blinked at her. 

“Perlyna.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Pip will not be dating Steven or Spinel.  
She's just standing there. 
> 
> This is a start of a story arc To The Stars.  
Cover art by yours truly, the author:  
https://monsterritory.tumblr.com/post/188436301784/over-their-garden-to-the-stars-a-story-arc


	14. To The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink meets everyone again.  
Steven disagrees with someone.

Steven and Spinel held onto each other, both keeping each other back from engaging, and holding on for dear life. After all the talks about Pink being no longer alive… there she was. Standing tall in front of the three gems she harmed in one way or another. 

Pink rushed over to sit down with Perlyna, hugging her and laughing happily. And the little Perlyna held back onto her tightly, crying happily. 

"I knew you were still here!" Perlyna said through her happy tears. 

Pink was smiling at her, but then she frowned, placing her hand over her missing eye.

"I'm so sorry…"

"It's nothing. Nothing you won't love about me, right?" 

"Right. You've always been perfect. But…" Pink stood up suddenly, glancing around her redecorated room, "How are you… here now? Why did… why were you set free?l She shook, visibly, "Do Blue and Yellow know?"

She took a few steps around the room. Jumping up and slowing her descend to stand on top of the weird pink builds by the pebbles. Taking another look around the room. Then she jumped back down to Perlyna's side, landing gracefully as ever. 

"Who are you two?" The brought back to life diamond addressed the two frozen lovebirds. "Why are you here? Why is it redecorated? Is this not my room? Where are the pebbles, I don't want my room to look like this… mess." 

Steven felt the grip on his hands harden so much - it threatened to spill blood. He tapped Spinel's shoulder. 

She didn't react. She was shaking with furry. Basically ready to leap at Pink and probably do many things that were normally not very welcome to be done with the Diamonds. 

Steven held her back, unsure how he felt about it himself. It was Pink. His mom. But… he had never met her. But… she was his mom… 

"Is Pink Pearl there?" Was said in a loud thunderstorm voice from outside the room. 

All three gems looked to the wide entrance of the room, as the sound of the loud giant footsteps filled the atmosphere. Yellow Diamond, followed behind by Blue, walked inside. 

"Is everything alright? I heard the pearls talk about what happened…"

She didn't finish. 

Pink gasped at her, crouching down in fear. In a blink of an eye she grabbed her Pearl over her shoulder, and launched up outside the room, summoning a pink bubble around them as she went. 

Steven just blinked as she disappeared in the window frame. Then he turned to Spinel. 

"I probably need that half a gem to live." 

The next second Spinel picked him up bridal way, making a spring out of her legs and launching after the two. Both were functioning on autopilot - very unsure of their emotions, but holding onto each other to stay grounded. Mentally grounded. 

Yellow and Blue's shock lasted a few seconds longer, before they rushed outside as well, but through the door like the gems of culture they were. 

Pink landed the two on the bridge somewhere below her balcony. She unbubbled them. 

"Are you alright?" She asked, placing her Pearl down.

"I am. Oh… I have so much to tell you…" Perlyna was crying, happy tears streaming down one side of her face. She finally did it - she brought her back! She knew it would work, no matter what they told her! She was finally right! 

"I won't let them take you away from me again." Pink reassured her, determined as ever, despite being scared for both of their lives. 

"I trust you." Perlyna took the reached hand and stood up, looking up fondly at the gem that she had risked it all to bring back. 

They weren't alone for a long time. Spinel landed just behind the two, staring out at the gem who was once the world to her, but now did not even seem to recognize her. Could she blame her though, with her own redesign and hidden gem? She placed Steven down. Spinel's focus switched between the two halves of one gem - she looked to make sure Steven could stand on his own, before watching Pink for any sign of aggression, or… reconcile. Steven still made a weakened impression. 

Shortly soon, Blue and Yellow caught up again. As she saw them approach, Pink seemed ready to run away again, but then…

"Pink… it's you, but how… oh, we're so sorry!" Blue wanted to cry, but she knew it would affect everyone around her, so she battled herself to hold it back. 

"Huh?" Pink couldn't believe what she was seeing. Blue… was trying not to hurt people around her mentally? Since when was that a thing? 

"We thought you were gone!" Yellow glanced at Steven in her confusion, but the boy only shrugged as well. 

Yellow was normally loud, it was her normal volume. But to Pink any word from her, even in her calmer inside voice that she was using now, was a bad sign. She started to shake her hands and grip them into fists, growing more and more worried as she stood before the two. Her pearl held onto her tightly. 

"What is going on here?" Came from behind Blue and Yellow, as they stepped aside to make way for White. 

Pink cried out in fear, holding onto her Pearl and trying to cover her with her whole body. She was crying. Probably remembering something from the past. 

"What is the meaning of your faces, what is-" White froze in place, as she also saw Pink. 

And how Pink shook in fear before them. Someone jumped between them - Pink and Perlyna watched as the stranger gem (being?) with brown curly hair jumped between them and the Diamonds, spreading his little arms out to protect the two from the big authority figures. 

"Blue, Yellow, White! Don't come closer, you're scaring her! She doesn't know what's going on!" 

The three tall Diamonds looked at each other, after hearing Steven out. Then they carefully sat down on the bridge they were on, trying to level with the smaller gems. They kept quiet, each holding their hands up in worry. Both Blue and Yellow reached to hold each other’s hand for mental support. 

Spinel slowly walked towards Steven, still not taking her eyes off Pink. She held Steven's hand, as both turned to face the gem that was responsible for leaving them both and never bothering to put any effort into knowing what was to come next for the two. 

"...Hi." Steven waved his free hand. It was hard to describe the courage he had to gather to greet her. This still felt like a surreal dream to be seeing. 

"Hello." Pink replied, still holding onto the Pearl on her knees. She did seem very scared of everything, and now also confused as to how did this little weird looking gem - if she even was a gem? - stop the Diamonds. 

"You've been… missing… for some time. And things changed since the last time you were around. I know that the Diamonds had hurt you before - but they won't do it now." Steven reached a hand towards Pink, "They're… friendlier now." 

To say that they were good would have been a great exaggeration. They were still half way there. Maybe halfway to being halfway there on the scale of healing. Maybe even further, considering their recent behaviour. 

"They won't hurt you." He repeated, trying to convince himself. 

The diamonds nodded quietly, not taking their soft and concerned eyes off Pink. 

"Why should I trust you…" Pink slowly stood up, turning at the two pink gems. "Who are you?" 

Somehow that was a question Steven didn't expect to hear. Then again, she was probably missing her memories. Right. She was just having amnesia. Or not remembering. Spinel did reset her after all. 

Spinel?

The only force holding Spinel back from sending Pink flying across the town and imprinting her into the rough ground to the point of shattering was the fact that Steven held her hand in his own. And the fact that he needed his other half of a gem. And another reason she would rather die than admit to herself. 

"We're…" Steven hesitated. Should he tell her? How would he even explain it? 

"I think I know." Pink suddenly came closer to the two, sitting down before them. Her pearl followed her. Spinel tensed up. "I think I know who you are. You look so… familiar to me..." 

Steven gasped, holding his breath. "Yes?" _ Were maternal love and senses real after all? _

"You are _ my _…" Pink held her pointing finger out. Spinel tensed up more, which was hardly imaginable, as Pink booped Steven on the nose, "My replacement!" 

The two took a step back in sync. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I see that now. My hair, my eyes… bet you have a gem similar to mine. Though… you're a bit of a…" she leaned closer, squinting her eyes, "Bad example. You're so… small? Your colours are all off. And what is that…" she reached her hand closer, poking Steven's cheek. "What's with that form? It's all sticky and squishy…" she turned towards the Diamonds, unamused. "Is that the best you could do? Really?" 

Everyone just stared in awe. Perlyna laughed, making a blush appear on Steven's face, which was already frozen in an image of shock and broken dreams. 

Steven sobbed, tearless.

He waited his whole life, not even sure if he had anything to wait for. Always dreaming of meeting that perfect image of an all loving Rose Quartz who thought that all life was precious, when he was younger. Steven glanced at Spinel - _ all life was precious _... Seems like not all life after all. 

He dreamt of meeting that ultimate comforting giant woman who would hold him safely in her arms, just like she held her Pearl instead, and whisper to him about how much she loved him unconditionally. 

But there she was, unimpressed by his very being. Looking at him with incredible boredom and disappointment written over her face. 

And then there was a hard punch - it landed right on Pink's face, and sent her tumbling back - over the edge that she grabbed onto, instead of falling off. The diamonds gasped in fear, before they remembered that Pink could float. 

Spinel wanted to do that gesture for so long. And once she did - she felt… nothing.

Perlyna helped Pink climb back up from the edge. 

"What was that for?!" 

Spinel made her fists bigger, ready to let Pink have more taste of them, ignoring the three Diamonds calling out for her to stop it. But not ignoring the fourth one. 

Steven finally snapped out of his shock, placing his hands over her fists, "It's not worth it. And she's right." Spinel stared at him with questions. "She's right. I… am a Diamond. Just like her." 

Steven leaned closer to Spinel, whispering to her, "She doesn't know better." 

Then he stepped to the front, talking to Pink again, "Yes, I'm also a Pink Diamond. It's been a while since you were here. Things changed. A lot. No one will try to fight you here anymore. But… we probably need to have names to distinct us, since we're both… the same gem."

The boy clenched his fists, trying hard to hold himself from crying. 

16 years, 8 months, 21 day, 5 hours - he waited in hopes to meet her. And now, when he finally did, when the stars finally aligned in the way that allowed him to meet a somewhat true Pink - she _ ridiculed _him. Disliked him. Hated him. Was disappointed in his very being. It was his turn to clench his fists - her gesture. 

"Since we know what you did…" he tried to break it to her painless as he could, "You can be Rose… and I'll…"

He hesitated, waiting for someone to talk him out of saying it. The diamonds stayed quiet. And all he got was Spinel placing her hand over his shoulder. Encouraging. Showing support. Enabling.

"And I will be Pink." He finished. 

Boy this would get confusing fast. 

Pink Diamond glanced at Spinel, gesturing to prompt Steven to name her as well. She was not recognizing her. 

"This is… Calcite." Steven blurted out. "My emotional support gem." 

"Yeah, real supportive…" Pink rubbed at her hurt cheek. "Wait… what did you just call me?.."

"Rose." 

"But that's the name I had on…" Pink froze, looking up at Steven, "My colony!" 

She got up, grabbing Steven by the shoulders and shaking him in her worry. 

"My colony, where is my colony? What became of it?"

"It's safe, it's safe, so is all life on Earth!" Steven quickly replied, shaking her hands off and taking a step behind, along with Spinel. 

"It's safe?! Was it completed?!" 

"No, no it wasn't! You s… It was saved. It's safe, and people are living there." Steven held onto his head, "P- uh- Rose? We… had reasons to believe you would never be back. We're… not sure how to take the fact that you're here again…"

Pink looked up at the Diamonds again, then glanced around, finally seeing the world around herself… 

It was Homeworld. Just not her own. 

It wasn't the place she knew before. Her detention tower was missing or obstructed, the gems traveling around looked much less scared and forced into their roles. There were fusions - fusions of different gems all around. Roaming free and being free to be happy together. Being truly happy. 

Pink Diamond held her hands together, smiling suddenly. It was the world she always talked about. And it happened without her. 

Steven turned towards Spinel. 

"Go back to Earth. Tell everyone that once we're back they should call us Pink and Calcite." 

She nodded. Then she patted his cheek, and pointed towards oblivious Pink, with concern in her eyes. 

"Yes. I don't want to tell her who I am… not yet maybe. And… you're silent for the same reason, is that so? You don't want her to recognize your voice?"

Spinel nodded, tugging the jacket that she was still wearing closer. It hid her gem. 

"That's alright. I can understand you. I think it will be fine." 

Spinel reached to touch his belly. 

"Huh? I know, I know I will need it. But…" Steven glanced at Pink, "Now is not the time yet. ... I feel fine. I'll be fine. Just… keep an eye out for yourself." 

She nodded at him, thinking about it for a second. Then she kisses his cheek, and took off, going to warn everyone that there were new names to be used for the two who were sometimes known as Pink Calcite. 

For now. 

~ ~ ~ 

"...And that's why I was wrong." White Diamond held her free hand to her forehead, "I tried so hard to ignore that everyone around me had a personality when I didn't approve of it. But now!" She pointed a finger up, "Now I know that it's _ wrooong! _" 

Pink looked very unamused at her, sitting down on her free arm, with her legs in a “w” position. 

“Aww. She makes faces just like S… uhm… just like Pink.” Blue commented, still getting the hang of it. 

Right. Steven = Pink, Pink = Rose. Confusing, but the diamonds knew that being supportive of the young, even if they didn’t exactly understand them, was extremely important for being a family with a healthy dynamic. And they wanted to be that for Steven and Pink, and everyone else below them. 

Who would have known that being nice felt so much better than being evil dictators? 

Even though it occasionally included being vulnerable. 

White placed her hand down, letting Pink walk to the floor, and sit next to her pearl, as she looked up at the diamonds again. 

“So… I’m not getting punished anymore? You won’t take my toys or my pets or my pearls away? Do I still have to poof myself if I do wrong?” 

Steven, who sat nearby, shuddered occasionally as he listened to her. He glanced up at the diamonds, very displeased. White blushed in guilt and embarrassment. 

“No, you don’t have to-”

_ “What is that?!” _Pink asked, her eyes gaining stars inside of them. 

“What is what?” White looked around the room, trying to find what had caught her attention. 

“You’re… you’re turning pink!” Pink pointed with her finger, meeting the kettle. 

“Oh? Yes, I suppose I am. It… occurs.” White hid her face. “Ugh!” She waited a minute, before uncovering it again and saying more, “Those are called emotions… and they’re… normal to have, and should be accepted… Euwgh…” 

“Oh my stars!” Pink giggled. It sounded so much like Steven did when she did that. “You really_ did _ change!” 

Steven was sitting fairly to the side of her, watching intently, while staying unseen. He was startled by a tap on his shoulder, but quickly calmed down when he registered that it was merely Spinel who returned. She nodded at him, confirming that she had made everyone back at home aware to call them Pink and Calcite. 

What she couldn’t tell him now is that everyone assumed that this decision had to do with Pink Calcite, rather than anything else. But it wasn’t crucial. She helped Steven raise up, as he approached Pink again. 

“Rose. Now that you’re… back, now that you’re back - we need to talk. There are a lot of things that we need to talk about - about your behaviour and...” 

“Pffsh.” She blurted at him, “What do you know?” 

Steven puffed his cheeks. Anger, not fear, not heartbreak - just anger, he hoped. “I know a lot more than you do, Rose. As you can see, everyone around you has made an effort to be a better person.”

“A better what now?” She tilted her head like a curious puppy. 

“A better _ gem. _” Steven sighed, frustrated. 

“Oh yeah I see that.” Pink sat back, prepping herself with her hands. Perlyna copied her position, “I’m pretty happy about that.”

“You have to do the same.” 

“Huh?”

“M- Rose, you’re not a good person. You need to work on that.” 

Pink laughed at him, “How so? I’m feeling like I’m just peachy. I mean, jee, I’m glad _ they _changed for the better.” Somewhere behind, Spinel gripped her fists. “But me? I’ve always been good.” 

“That’s not true. You did a lot of mistakes. And you have to face the consequences if you want to be a good-” Pink held her hand out, covering Steven’s mouth suddenly. 

“I don’t owe anything to anyone!” She laughed more, ridiculing him. 

It was that moment that something inside of Steven… cracked. And for once it was not his cracked gem. He shook her hand off and covered his face in frustration. 

Then there was a shout. There was a shout, and it was made in an old forgotten voice, in a tone that sent shivers down the spines of the gemkind, and made the loose soldiers obey their orders undoubtedly. 

It was a shout in the Diamond voice. 

_ “You are not above the consequences!!!” _ Steven shouted, whipping his hands, and shutting his eyes from the anger that overwhelmed him for reasons he could not even name. 

When he opened his eyes again, they had diamond shapes in them. 

The White, Yellow, and Blue diamonds leaned back, never having known that Steven was capable of their kind’s tone. Spinel stepped back, feeling a very wrong sort of shivers run down her spine. Perlyna raised her head, covering her face in fear. 

And Pink… Pink didn’t blink an eye at first. Then her delayed reaction kicked in, and she covered her face from the sudden motion he made with his hands, as if he was going to hurt her. 

Steven was about to go on as to why would she ever fear him hurting her, but then remembered - he should not have. Pink didn't know him. Pink was abused. Be it that he had nothing to do with it - doesn’t mean she could have known he’d never hurt her. Steven glanced up at Spinel, who just stared out in fear. No, he should have known better than anyone that the consequences of abuse were not selective. 

“Sorry.” He uttered in a whisper, his diamond eyes fading to their normal shapes. “I know you’ve been hurt. But you need to know that the pain you went through - doesn’t excuse the pain you caused.” 

“I’m sorry.” Said Pink, in a strangely mocking tone. 

Steven sighed, facepalming, “I know, I know. You’re not used to this. I’m not scolding you just for you to say "sorry" and do what I want you to. I'm not like the Diamonds were. I want you to be a better gem.” 

Pink looked up at him. 

“Why?”

Steven didn’t have a reply. 

After no one broke the silent pause that fell, Pink resumed saying, 

“I don’t recall hurting anyone.”

Spinel made a pfffing sound with her lips. Steven continued. 

“You left a lot of people behind once you grew tired of them.”

“Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do when I grew tired of them? What, lie and pretend that I care? Force myself to care? Stage it up so that they’ll hate me and leave first? Hurt their feelings? I went easy on them by leaving.” 

Spinel almost poofed again as she listened to that. 

Steven pointed up at the Diamonds behind him.

“Look at them. One day they were told that their ways are wrong as well. Even if they didn’t see how, all too indulged in their own ways of thinking. Stuck in their own heads. But they listened. You might not even get it - but you need to listen. We want you to be a better gem. You’re gonna have to work on that. You’re gonna have to listen to us, and to put efforts to be a good gem. You can start by apologizing to most people you’ve hurt - a plenty is still around.” 

Spinel breathed out, relaxing from the fury of tension that she was in. This is why she loved him, the boy who always knew what to say to bring out the best in people. It was only saddening that people did not always let him change them. 

Spinel frowned suddenly, looking down with a question forming in her mind. Was she letting him change her?

~ ~ ~ 

“Alright, alright… so…” Pink gathered her thoughts. “Perlyna. I’m sorry for your eye, and for leaving you behind.” 

“I forgive you.” Perlyna clapped her hands, sitting in front Pink. 

“Thank you!” Pink clapped her hands as well. 

Then the two pink gems laughed, suddenly clapping their hand together in rhythmical motions. It seems they have forgotten where they were at, now just playing a gem equivalent of an Earthly game. 

Steven sighed, “Well, that’s some sort of progress. But that’s just Pip… uh… Perlyna. She already forgave you. You’re going to have to say “sorry” to the gems who will be way less reluctant to forgive you so easily.” 

Pink laughed, bringing Perlyna closer and depositing her in her crossed legs. The little pearl fit perfectly inside of her embrace. Pink didn’t take her eyes off her pearl as she spoke again. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean-” 

“Pink? Calcite?” Was called out in a graceful tone, as another gem entered the wide room. 

_ Uh oh. _

Pearl made her entrance into the room, looking for Steven and Spinel. 

“Pink? Calcite? Why did you two…” She stopped in her track, looking at the pink elephant in the room. 

Her face was emotionless, spare for her eyes widened in shock.

Pink looked back, just as silent. Then she grimaced.

“Uh… Pearl?” The pink diamond looked up at the white one, “Didn’t you reassign her or something?”

White shrugged. So Pink stood up - seemingly forgetting that pearl was in her hold and dropping her - as she approached Pearl. 

"Huh, it's really you. Nice to see you… again. It's been so long." 

Pearl stared up with her mouth open, then she glanced at Steven. 

"What sort of prank is this?"

"It's… hard to explain. This isn't a prank. This is… Rose."

Pearl took another glance at her in disbelief. 

"Hi." Pink raised a hand to greet her, awkwardly. 

"Come on now, you've got to be kidding- that's not her! What sort of trick is this?" Pearl held onto her head, it was starting to hurt. "She's… gone. She's supposed to be gone!"

"I've missed you." Pink suddenly whispered. "You weren't the best. But you were cute enough, I guess. And it was fun fusing with you. Oh!" She turned around, towards Pip who had picked herself from the floor by now and was dusting her knees off. "Perlyna, we should fuse! Did you know that that's heard of now?" 

Pearl bit her tongue, blushing. Then she summoned her weapon. 

"It really is you, Rose. No one else can… scar me emotionally so much in such short spawn of time." 

She pointed her weapon at the oblivious gem. 

But the next moment, Steven was standing between the two, once again covering Pink from a potential danger. Despite having grown quite a few inches in past two years, he still wasn't tall enough to really cover Pink from Pearl. 

But he wasn't alone. 

Spinel made her way over, standing before Pink and shielding Steven from her. She felt Pink's breathing reach her, as she stared into her eyes with one sole emotion. Spinel's arms trembled just a little. She thought she'd be mad and disgusted, facing off Pink. But right now, most of all, she felt scared. 

The one thing that was keeping her up was that she felt her back brush against Steven's. She made herself taller, so she felt his hair softly brush against her back. It kept her grounded. 

"Pearl, put away your weapon. No one's attacking her. She's here to… be a better person. I'll explain to you later." Steven patted her spear, "Trust me?" 

Not without hesitation, Pearl put away her weapon. 

Meanwhile behind them, Pink was squinting at Spinel, seemingly trying to recall where has she seen her before. 

"You don't look like a Calcite… where's your gem?" 

Spinel tried to take a step back from her, but only bumped into Steven's back. She held her hands over her chest - instinctively reaching to cover her gem. Steven felt that, and moved her behind himself, swapping their positions. 

"Now. Rose. Do you recall what you did to… this Pearl?" 

Pink squinted. 

"Uhhh… I left her somewhere?" 

Spinel choked, coughing loudly. 

"Try again." 

Pink concentrated, trying to remember, as Steven looked up to her with hope sparkling in his eyes. 

_ Come on, come on… remember me too. _

"Oh!" Pink clapped her hands together, not even reacting to Perlyna who came closer by then, "You were my Pearl on Earth." 

On her side, Pearl was on the edge of giving up on reality and going berserk on the gem before her. She had only lost her grip on reality like that once before, and to this day she sometimes shuddered when anyone would say "good morning" next to her, or when someone put sunglasses next to slices of pizza. 

Pink giggled nervously, glancing at Steven. 

"What do I apologize for here?" She said through the shut teeth. 

"Try apologizing for never really caring that Pearl lo-" Pearl covered Steven's face, as she spoke for herself. 

"For never caring is where you can end it." 

"I did care about you." 

"It didn't feel so…" Pearl was glaring angrily. 

"Duh, fiiine. Sorry that it seemed to you that I never cared about you, _ Pearl _." 

Pearl reached for her weapon again. 

"Okay, wait!" Steven raised his hands up. "Maybe not all of her memories are back yet? Let's go show her the Earth. Then she might remember the rest…" 

Pearl nodded, postponing her murderous tendencies towards her. For now. 

Spinel had sneakily stepped away, and made her way over to the other diamonds. She extended her legs out, till she leveled with White’s ear, and whispered to her. 

“Chances are you’ll never see her again once we leave.” 

Then she descended back down, glancing at the company. She held her hands hidden in the jacket's pockets at all times. 

The Diamonds exchanged looks, before shining up and shapeshifting. They shrunk down, now standing just a bit above Pink’s height. 

“Rose.” White called out with unusual softness. 

Pink covered her eyes when they shined, but now, looking at them, was confused beyond comprehension. The three diamonds, now barely above her height, reached their hands out open for an embrace. Reluctant, Pink felt wrong about it. But just for them, she would do it. 

The (second) littlest diamond stepped forward, stopping when she let herself be circled by the three. White hugged her first, slow in her movements, and gentle in her being. She crossed her hands over around Pink’s back. Blue and Yellow hugged the two from around. The hug was tensed, and serene at the same time. Pink felt uneasy as she realized the diamonds didn’t want to let go. 

But they had to. 

She was gone after all. 

They whispered soft apologies, as they let go of her. Pink tried hard to pull a smile at them, and then walked off with the rest of smaller gems, not looking back. 

As they led Pink towards the warp pad, Spinel held onto Steven, wrapping her hand all around his own. The stress was starting to get to her. 

~ ~ ~ 

It wasn't until Pink came down to the lower floor of the building that she recognized the place she was in. 

"I remember!" She exclaimed. "We lived here! Gosh, the crystal gems never saw me like this. Are you sure it's okay that they know now?" 

Steven walked behind her. 

"No. It's not okay. They're not happy with what you did and left behind."

"Ah. Right." Pink's frown only lasted momentarily, until she eyed the fridge in the further corner. She licked her lips. 

"Do we still have Cookie Cats?" She asked. 

Everyone in the room - that being Steven, Spinel, Pearl, Perlyna, and Pink herself - kept quiet. 

"You know. Half vanilla, half strawberry cream in a chocolate coating? They also have this funny jingle - _ Cookie Cat! He left his family behind! _ \- Hahaha, that's so funny! I loved them a lot. I used to eat a lot of them when I was…" 

Suddenly Pink held onto her stomach - where her gem was. And where Steven was once. 

"When I was…" she repeated, not finishing the phrase. 

Before she could, the warp pad activated behind the company. Garnet stepped down from it. She registered Steven and Spinel first, smiling at the two. 

Spinel held tighter onto Steven, hiding behind him strangely when their gazes met, frowning about something. Garnet didn't get the meaning of that gesture - but before she could think more about that - she finally saw the big deal. 

Pink Diamond stood in the room, almost herself. 

Garnet unfused, her form turning to light and changing into two small angry looking gems who held their hands together. 

"Aww haha! That was Garnet!" Pink held her hands together, smiling. "...Where'd she go? I like her."

Steven felt Spinel shudder against him. 

"She's not here for you." Ruby replied, very displeased. 

"How is that even possible. I didn't see a single possibility of this." Murmured Sapphire. "The closest I saw to this was them returning with a gem child Steven, or Pink Steven." 

"I'm sorry, what?" Pink cleared her ear with a tip of her pinkie, "You spoke too quietly, I didn't hear you." 

"I did not speak for you." Sapphire salted, smiling smugly. 

"Ugh, different gem fusion…" Perlyna rolled her eyes, "Earth is full of dirty, nasty things, am I right, my Diamond?" 

She was looking up at Pink with an expecting gaze of a puppy who had just performed the most elaborate trick she knew - did not ruin the carpet again. 

"I love everything on Earth." Pink simply replied, not mad, not seemingly aware of what she said at all, and walked around the room as she looked for more new things to discover. 

Perlyna sighed. Okay, come one. She was just… out of her focus for a second. Why was she thinking that it had to be a big deal?

Pink circled the counters, opening the drawers and quickly going through the weird boxes and bags she found, before switching to the next ones to look for something interesting or shiny. Steven sighed, approaching closer. 

"See, that's your problem. You do things without thinking of consequences. You just made everything fall out of the shelves. We put it there. You wouldn't want someone to come to your room and mess it up, would you?" 

"Well I mean," Pink raised up a carrot she found in the lower drawer, taking a bite of it, "You pwetty munch did come t'mine and mess it upf…" she spitted the vegetable out, tossing it aside as she wiped her tongue. "Ewh." 

"That's not an excuse…" 

To be honest with himself, Steven would have to admit that he had very little hopes in actually turning Pink Diamond around, even if he subtly knew that he would eventually… need her gem back. He didn't know if given the opportunity he would ask - force? Explain? - her for a sacrifice so he could live on. She was nothing like the Rose on the recordings. She was… real. 

Steven just wanted to find some maternity in her. And so far he found none. She ducked down to search through the lower drawers, and for that second that she disappeared from his gaze - Steven wondered if this was even really happening. 

The warp pad lit up again, this time placing down Jasper and Amethyst as the laughed together. 

"Oh, yeah, let's grab some snack. I gotta show you the kindergarden." Amethyst suggested, letting her taller sister do the honour. 

Jasper waved at everyone in the room, smiling innocently. She eyed everyone, not stopping her gaze on any of them in particular, and somehow that alarmed Spinel even more than if she stared at her. The small pink gem glared. 

"This will not end well in a long run." Sapphire whispered to Ruby.

Adjusting the ponytail in which she now held her hair, Jasper made her way over to the counter to grab some food. Just as she approached it - Pink showed back up, clenching a bag of chips in her teeth. 

Jasper froze in place, holding her hands to her chest. Almost in a diamond salute. She mouthed “My diamond” with her mouth, but couldn’t even breath those words out. 

"Oh, he-ya." Pink said, dropping the chips back down. "Shoot." She picked the bag up, but didn't figure out how to open it, so she threw it at Jasper to catch. “You want em?”

Jasper seemed frozen in place, shocked with her mouth wide open and eyes shining weirdly. 

It was Amethyst's turn to worry. She took one look at Garnet- well, at Ruby and Sapphire - looking for any sort of answer. 

Sapphire crossed her arms, shaking her head. 

Amethyst nodded, rushing over, grabbing Jasper by hand and leading her out. Neither of them were mentally prepared for this. So they simply teleported away. 

"You've got to be kidding me…" Steven held his hand up to his face, rubbing down his cheek. "Guys, can you watch her? I'll be right back." 

He headed up the stairs, and was followed there by Spinel. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven paced around his room, with his hands behind his back, "I don't know how to feel about this."

"And I wish I didn't know how to feel about this." Replied Spinel, who sat on the edge of their bed. 

"It's not like she's irredeemable… but she's just so… uhh, irritating, frustrating. It just doesn't feel like she… cares. At all!" He stopped, turning to face Spinel. Her hair has been down for the whole day. 

"I imagined that she was childish - when I stopped idolising her I did - but I didn’t imagine that she was this much childish… How can she even be there? I… Pink Steven said she was gone! She must have been gone!" 

He held onto his head, his universal sign for anxiety. Spinel saw that. She stood up and came closer, reaching her hands and holding Steven by the shoulders. 

"I'm sorry. This is all because of me." 

"No, Spinel, no. You saved me. Pip did all of this, you saved my life." 

"But I reset him… her… I'm sorry. If I knew…" 

"There's no "if" now." Steven grabbed her hands into his own, lowering them down and holding firmly. "Mistakes were made. Let's do better than her - let's face them and work with the consequences here." 

"Let's not." Spinel suggested calmly. 

Steven let go of her hands at that, causing the gem in his jacket to gasp. 

"How can you say that?" 

"Steven, she's no less traumatizing for me to see than for you. I idolized her for a little longer than you lived. And I just… don't want to deal with this again now." She reached her hand out for him again, "I want to stay with you, where it's safe. Let’s wait this out together." 

"What are you even saying." Steven didn't take her hand. "My damn dead mom came back to life, I have to deal with that!"

"Well maybe you don't!" Spinel frowned, "This is not working out, she's not being any better, and you're just stressing yourself over it. Come on, let's leave it be. We can go and be happy together while this… dies out." 

Steven shut his eyes in frustration, "Spinel, are you actually crazy?" 

The gem grimaced, despite that he wasn't looking at her at that moment. 

"We can't just… leave her be, that's- that's what she'd do! Avoid the consequences! Don't be like her!" 

Steven lowered his hands and opened his eyes. They had the familiar diamond shapes in them again. 

"I'm not trying to avoid them, I'm thinking of your mental health!" Spinel insisted. Those eyes of his made her feel uneasy. 

"I'm not asking you to think of it!" 

Rage. Rage of the whole day so far has been building up in Steven at that moment. And he needed to let it out, he just needed to get that frustration out on… somebody. He looked at Spinel, _ Come on, do your usual. _

Spinel crossed her hands. "I do more than I'm asked off." She reached her hand out, coiling it around Steven's palm. "You've had enough of her influence. You're coming with me." 

Steven eyed those familiar spirals in her eyes. How _ dared _ she tell him how to be or what to do? She was… _ just a spinel! _

Steven whipped his hand, breaking it free and slapping her hand away, as he snapped at her, 

"Don't tell me what to do, _ why can't you just shut up and face this with me? _" He said in his diamond voice. 

Instantly. Something strange happened. Spinel took a step back, standing up still and straightened out, her limbs becoming their default size. She was moving like a robot. A mindless robot who’s hands raised up and crossed together at the tips, leaving a diamond shaped space between them. She saluted him. Diamond saluted him, as she uttered the words against her own will, 

"Yes, my Diamond." 

Her eyes were blank of feelings, devoid of emotion as she did that. She was behaving. Undoubtedly. Without a second thought. Like a puppet. 

Steven gasped in worry. 

Then both of them snapped back to reality. 

Spinel looked around, with her eyes only, as she tried to understand what just happened. She looked down at her hands, as if it wasn't her who formed a diamond shape with them. After a second she whipped her hands by her sides, gasping in fear. Her posture became imperfect again. 

Steven held his hands over his mouth, feeling guilty, as she looked up at him with a look filled with pain of a betrayed trust. _ He ordered her. _ Steven tugged onto his hair, not even knowing why did he choose to give in to his anger just a second ago. 

No, no, she was right, Spinel was right. Pink was rubbing off on him in the worst possible way. He had to stay away from her.

"Spinel, I…" he tried to start, to say anything to defuse this tension that formed between them, "I'm sorry." He whispered, almost sobbing. 

He reached his hand out, but Spinel immediately took a step back from him, holding her hands up defensively. 

"...I know." She said eventually. "You're… not like her..." _ I think _. 

Spinel unzipped his jacket and took it off herself, reaching it for him. When he didn't take it, too startled by her action, she threw it on his bed, and turned around. 

"Wait… please?" Steven asked this time. Careful with his words now, when it was already too late. 

Spinel didn’t turn around as she replied. 

"I get it. I'll be fine. I just…" she bit her lips, the phrase was not easy for her to voice, "...need some time for myself." 

She walked off, seemingly walking over the edge of his balcony - but actually stretching her legs to step down from it safely in one easy step. 

Steven didn't see where'd she go. He slid down on the floor, coughing and tugging at his hair, _ stupid, stupid, stupid little diamond! _

~ ~ ~ 

This was awful. This is awful. Pink was here, Spinel was gone, everyone was upset, Steven was getting worse. And worst of all - he couldn't even explain it. Seeing his allegedly mom made feel so surreal, and at the same time subconsciously pushed him to seek her comfort and approval. But she offered none, in fact, she was displeased with him. Displeased with his mere existence. Unamused, unimpressed, not valuing the life form she created. 

And it was the weirdest part that drove Steven up the walls - he already lived his whole life without it, why did have to matter now, when he met her? 

Why did it matter what she thought of him? 

Steven went back down, where Pink sat on the couch, surrounded by the other gems. Perlyna couldn't make her way to be near her, so she sat behind other gems, frowning at the sudden lack of her attention. 

Steven made his way to stand before the occupied pink gem. Apparently she snatched Pearl's phone and was now playing games on it. 

"Why did we never have this installed on you?" She laughed. 

Pearl still looked ready to kill, but Sapphire held her hand on her shoulder to keep her down. 

“The first piece will happen now.” Sapphire whispered. 

Steven reached for the phone in Pink’s hands, snatching it out. 

“My record!” His mom complained, “Why’d you do that?”

“Because you’re not here to play games.” Steven returned the phone to Pearl. “Now that you’re here, you have to-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Face the consequences, apologize to gems or whatever.” She yawned, “Do we really have to go through with this? I think I like playing those “videos game” more than trying to be a good person.” 

Steven shook his fists, his eyes once again falling to the dark side of having diamonds inside of them. 

“Yes! You have to carry with it, you have to become a better person! You have to take this seriously!” He was starting to cry, but none of the gems around dared to stand up and say anything. He needed to do this on his own, they knew. 

“Here’s what I think of that.” Pink put a hand to her mouth, making a farting noise. 

“Why are you like this!” Steven shouted at her, while she just laughed back. “You’re supposed to think all life is precious, you’re supposed to care! You’re supposed to care about everyone in here, and even more gems! Gems that cared about you, I thought you were better!” Steven was full on crying by now, breaking down, “I- I always thought you were… always right, I thought you were perfect and kind and all loving! Now you’re just… you’re just…” 

Pink waited, patiently, smiling strangely and biting her lip in an attempt to hide it. 

The volcano of rage that Steven has been trying to suppress so poorly finally erupted. 

“_ You’re just acting like a child! _” He threw his hands up. 

All the gems leaned back. Perlyna got shudders. 

Pink laughed more, “I _ am _ a child! What’s _ your _excuse?” 

Steven slowly lowered his hands back down, crying. He just noticed he was crying. And now blushing. But out of a very strange embarrassment that washed over him suddenly, swallowing him like a giant wave of emotions, quick and deep. 

“What’s your deal, why do you care so much what I’ll think of you?” Pink continued to giggle at the lost gem in front of her. 

Why did he care? Steven knew. He didn’t want to say, but he knew. He wanted to cry and he wanted to scream and he wanted to hug her and he wanted to hug any of his maternal gem figures now. And he wanted her approval and he wanted her attention. Wanted to show her how to play with a frisbee and watch his favourite childhood movies with her and know what she’d think of it. 

“I do care what you think of me.” Steven sobbed quietly, admitting what he really didn’t want to admit, as he looked down. “I am your child.” 

Pink stopped laughing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I heard you guys like cliffhangers.


	15. And Back To Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink Diamond continues to mess with people post mortem.  
I know this summary also applies to the whole series but bear with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't give in to your anger, kids. It makes you do and say the regrettable.

Pink stopped laughing, squinting her eyes at him. 

_ Still can't believe it?! _Thought Steven.

She rubbed her chin, cycling through the memories and thinking of the ways to put this. 

"...Nora?"

Steven sobbed. He wanted to raise his hands up, ask for a hug, but couldn't bring himself to it. It felt strangely humiliating. 

"S-Steven." He stuttered out. "I was born a boy." 

"How am I supposed to know that?" 

_ Fair enough. _Steven looked to the side. 

"Steven…" Pink looked down at her gem, placing a hand over it. "We… made it. Me and…" she turned her head up quickly. "Is Greg still around?" 

Somewhere behind them, Pip groaned in frustration, as she dreaded meeting another irrelevant character in the story she was slowly becoming a background character of. 

"He is." Steven grimaced. "But I don't think you should see him. It might be… too traumatizing for him." 

She was still not reacting in the way he thought she would. So through his immense embarrassment and mild sobbing, Steven raised his hands up, asking for a hug. 

_ Oh you’re so desperate, _Pink thought. 

“Huh? Oh, sure.” 

Pink reached her hand out and... rustled his hair. The she used him as a support to stand up, and walked around the room, placing her hands on her hips. 

“So… how come both of us are here? Didn’t my gem… become yours?”

Steven frowned sadly, sitting where she sat a minute ago on the couch. The seat was cold. 

“It did. But then it was cracked in two and uh…” 

“So your gem - our gem? - our gem was cracked, and I emerged? Was I trapped there all along?” 

“No. It… used to be just me. But when you - when I - I don’t even know anymore.” 

_ Come on Steven. _

“When your part started to reform Sp… uh… you got hit with a rejuvenator.” Steven rubbed his hands together. 

“But… that doesn’t make sense.” Pink hummed, “Why am I here? If I was no longer there, you say… how did I come back when the gem got reset?” 

Steven covered his head, sighing. 

“I really don’t want to know that…” 

_ Alright. _

Pink walked back to him, stepping over Pip in her way, and crouching down next to her other half of a gem. 

“Alright. You know what? That doesn’t matter. I’m here now, somehow. And… and I see you. Wow…” Pink took another look at her son. “You’re… human. I made you. Wow.” 

_ Wow? Is that really all you can say about me? … Mmm-maybe you’re just shy? Still afraid to show emotions in front of others? _Steven thought. 

_ I don’t think you get it. _Was thought I'm reply to him. 

From behind the two, Pip clenched her little fists, shaking in fury. 

“Pink! I think it’s time to go!” She raised her voice. 

“Oh! You’re so right!” 

Pink grabbed Steven by hand, and led him to the warp pad, the surprised boy couldn’t even keep up at first. 

“I want to show you so many things!” Pink smiled. 

Steven looked up with hope in his eyes. Could it be that she was finally… 

~ ~ ~ 

Could it be that she was finally breaking? Oh that was despair. This was absolute despair. Spinel pushed her head against the stairs’ railings, crying. Of course she couldn’t have gone far from Steven’s house. Had he came out - he’d find her right there where he left her. Sitting down on the staircase and crying her eyes out. 

_ Shut up and face it with me. _

“No!” She screamed to the voices only she could hear. His voice, his phrase, his tone - his_ order _ \- hung in the air for her, He ordered her. 

_ Shut up and face it with me. _

She could not. She would not. She was made to follow orders, but times have changed. Too bad her coding didn’t. Spinel wrapped her limbs around the railings as the phrase kept repeating itself in her head. 

An order. A Diamond’s order. What’d be next? He’d ask her to stay somewhere, and wait, alone? 

“No!” She barked. “No, he would never! He’s not her, no! No! Go away!”

But it kept repeating. 

_ Shut up and face it with me. _

Spinel bit into the railing. She would do anything - anything that would _ not _ be shutting up or facing it with him.

Would she have to tell Steven? He was so smart, he had to know by now that gems - especially those custom-made - had a very firm coding. She was a little too perfect. 

Firm coding… that did not strive well against Spinel’s broken will and shattered mentality. She howled, willing herself to hold on to the railings and not get up, not go to Steven now, not keep her mouth shut, _ not shut up and face it with him… _

_ Shut up and face it with me. _

No. She would _ not _ be controlled again. She would _ not _ follow orders, and Steven would _ not _be in charge. He would not! 

She cried out. This was wrong. She wanted him to be happy, not to control him!

But could she be happy herself without it?.. 

Spinel growled, as her eyes spiraled. Of course she could! What sort of stupid question is that, why would she even- Oh. 

Oh no. She was _ spiraling. _Spiraling into the madness of her rage and vulnerability. Spiraling into overthinking simple words a milling times. So wild how every little thing seemed to matter so much. 

She felt like something light - like a butterfly - sat on her head. Spinel uncoiled one of her hands and tried to get it off - just to discover that it wasn’t a butterfly, it was just a little bug. 

Just a little bug… 

_ Shut up and- _

“No.” She said firmly, defeating her preset mind. Then she uncoiled all her limbs from the railings, making a firm mental decision. 

“I’m not going to do this alone.” She stood up and headed back inside the house. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven’s eyes had stars in them again, as his… mom… led him to the warp pad. So he’s get to see cool places she knew of and he’d get to hang out with her and he’d get her attention and her comfort and her approval- 

“Wait, that’s not what I meant!” Pip threw her hands, standing in front of the two. 

Somewhere behind her, Spinel opened the front door, and slowly made her way towards the two. She realized… her gem was no longer hidden. She held her hands up to cover it as she came closer. Ashamed? No. Just… not ready. Not yet. 

She stopped just a little behind the scenery that was unfolding. Pink saw her… but said nothing. 

“I thought you were going to spend time with me!” Pip went off. 

“Yeah, uhh, about that…” Pink rolled her eyes, “I’m kind of… getting tired of you. You’re really… eh, pesky?” 

Spinel froze in place and fear. 

“I-” Pip stuttered, “I risked everything for you! I brought you back!” 

Pink frowned, “I didn’t ask you to attack my… child.” 

Steven gasped, feeling strangely flattered, but also wrong about the things she was saying. Pip stepped back, torn between anger and fear. 

“Wh-what? Then what am I to do now?” 

“Could you uh…” Pink glanced at Spinel, out of pure curiosity, as she spoke, “Could you wait here for me?” 

“NO!” Spinel screamed as if she was a human who just got stabbed with a knife to their chest, taking a step back and throwing her hands to the sides. Revealing her heart. 

She raised her hands, ready for an attack. It was the fight response, as she was scared. Steven saw that - he didn’t blame her. But for the safety of everyone he instantly activated the warp pad, teleporting him and Pink away before she could do more damage. He looked sorry. 

But Spinel didn’t see that. All she saw was that Steven ran from her, as she was being hurt. 

Over and over again… 

Pip fell to her knees in a position that was all too familiar to Spinel, tucking her legs below herself and crying, as her best friend drifted away. What was she to do now? Betrayed and abandoned… 

As Pink left the room, the remaining Crystal Gems sighed. Sapphire reached her hand to pick Ruby’s face by the chin, and make her look at her. The two small gay gems smiled at each other, as Sapphire took the lead and kissed Ruby. She liked being together like this, and they both wouldn’t refuse to stay happy together for a while… 

But Garnet refused. Garnet refused so that both could be happy together, and so could she. Her friend needed help after all. 

Her visor was off as she approached Spinel. Poor gem had a lot on her plate the whole day, and things weren’t looking bright for her in the long run. Garnet reached a hand out, placing it down on Spinel’s shoulder, as she looked at her with a fond smile. 

Spinel twitched on the soft impact, slowly turning her head towards the invader of her personal space. Utter fear and relative disgust written in all caps on it. 

“Let go of me.” She seethed. 

Garnet only stared at her, taken aback by a reply she didn’t see coming. 

“Let. Go. Of. Me!” Spinel slapped her hand off, in rising rage. 

But just like a splash of water, it instantly died down, as she glanced up - _ up above her _\- at the tall and strong gem she just hit. Provoked? Angered? 

Garnet wasn’t angry. Just confused. Wondering if she just did something wrong, misread a que, or if Spinel just couldn’t let herself be touched now. She raised her hands up, showing that she didn’t intend to cross her boundaries. 

But all that Spinel saw was Garnet raising her hands to summon her weapons and hit her. 

_ Maybe shatter if she pleased… _

Spinel walked back from her, almost collapsing down as she bumped into the front door. 

“Sorry…” She whispered in a stuttering voice. “Sorry, I’m… I’m sorry!” 

“Spinel?” Garnet said, softly, with a lot of concern and worry on her face. 

_ “Spinel!” _Spinel heard with a lot of rage and disgust coming from someone who was mad at her. 

Without taking her eyes off Garnet, she searched for the doorknob behind herself awkwardly. Once she felt it, she twisted it open and ran out, leaving the gems in the room utterly confused and lost in guesses. 

All gems except for Pip. Pip didn't give a damn as to what was happening around anymore. Pink just left her. Left her while she had a free will to be with her or not. After all that Pip did for her… the little pearl held herself together, crying. Sobbing it all out in a place filled with gems she could not care less about. 

Garnet put her shades back on, scanning for the futures where Spinel told her what was going on. And she saw quite a few where she talked with her, but non where Spinel explained herself. What was up with her… 

And was something up at all? Perhaps Garnet just got mistaken for a hot second. Spinel was under a lot of stress right now. And she was seeing her and Steven falling in the moonlight soon. Perhaps she could leave it be for another day. Spinel clearly needed space right now. 

Garnet looked at her slapped hand. Right. Some other day… 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven landed himself and Pink on the warp pad in the Prime Kindergarten. He felt bad. Bad for leaving Spinel behind, hurt like that. Bad for leaving everyone behind in the moment his emotions took control of his mind. 

But right now… he had an excuse. He had something very important to do. 

"...Do you remember this place?" Steven pointed around. "I've been here before too." 

Pink crouched down on the edge of the elevated warp pad, glancing around. Unfamiliar scenery. Steven stood by her side, shyly. Just like Perlyna would a short while ago. 

"Hey, over here!" Someone called the two over. 

Amethyst showed out of one of the holes. 

"Get yourselves hiding spots! We're playing!" 

Steven smiled at her, nodding. He reached for Pink's hand again. Excited that he could actually play games with his mom for once, and not just like that one time in his room. 

"Let's play hide and seek along?" 

Pink nodded. She grabbed Steven up and jumped down, slowing her descend. Steven coughed as they flew to the ground. 

Before the two could join in, Jasper showed from around the corner, instantly greeting the two newcomers. From where she was allegedly hiding, Amethyst sighed, jumping down. 

"Alright, alright. This doesn't count." She walked between her sister and her brother. "Jas, what do you say we let the two play with us?" 

Jasper still stared awkwardly whenever she saw Pink. 

_ I really hope this will not bite him in the butt later, _thought Pink.

The three gems agreed to play. It was decided that Amethyst would search, so every gem ran in their own directions once she started to count. 

Pink walked through the unfamiliar places, deep in her thoughts. It was nice to see the world herself for once. Perhaps she was wrong. But a lesson had yet to be taught. She only hoped she would not cause permanent damage. Pink held her hand under her chin, posing gracefully while no one watched, as she laughed in a mocking way. 

But someone was watching. 

"Pink?" 

She tensed up, turning around to look at the gem who caught up to her. 

"Jasper." She sighed. She really wanted to hit her in the face, but just couldn't. 

"Pink… diamond?" Jasper came closer, looking scared and worried as she had never been seen. Confused at her own action, she folded her hands in a diamond salute. 

"My Diamond." 

"No, it's just…" Pink blew through her lips, shaking her head. "What are you doing here?" 

"I wanted to see you. And…" Jasper sat on one knee before her. "To tell you that I swear my loyalty to you." 

The orange gem reached her hand out, looking to hold Pink Diamond's hand and kiss the back of it in respect. 

Pink sighed, very frustrated and bored of it. She jolted her hand back. 

"Yeah, cool, whatever." She yawned. "Don't you have to be hiding?" 

"We are hiding, my Diamond." Jasper smiled in a way that made her feel concerned. "We are your gems. And all we want is to pay our respect to the ways it used to be, not the ways it is now, in the era of this… stupid fluffball of a weird hybrid-" 

Jasper froze mid sentence, as she looked up and found Pink looking at her with a lethal stare. 

"Don't say that about Steven. He is my… son." Pink growled. 

"My Diamond…" Jasper stuttered in sudden fear, as she lowered her head in a bow. 

"If you let a single hair fall from his head - I will find you. And I will…" Pink raised her hand, clasping her fist suddenly. "Shatter you." 

Jasper was frozen in place, while Pink made her way back, walking around her, and disappeared in the distance. The buff gem felt her form tremble, as her gem shined up in a sudden wave of emotions and memories… 

~ ~ ~ 

"Steven?" Pink called out, when she returned to the center of the Kindergarten. He wasn't around. What if she had lost him? Pink closed her eyes, turning her head around… 

Then she opened them again, now looking for a familiar scenery. She found it, and approached it, finding the other half of her gem hiding behind a rock. She looked over it, leaning on it with one hand. 

"Steven, I'm bored of those quartzes. Let's go back. I'm sure it's calm home now." 

Steven jolted up as she found him, surprised. It seemed like she started talking to him before she saw him. But she couldn't have known that he was there… right? 

"Oh, uhm… mom? We can't just leave." 

"Duh, yeah we can." She frowned. 

"No, I mean- we need to warn Jasper and Amethyst or they'll think they've lost us and keep searching." 

"Oh please. They can figure out we left." Pink leaned down over the rock. "Won't you listen to your… mother, Steven?" 

The way she phrased it tossed Steven into the middle of an emotional tornado. That was very clearly intended as a manipulation, but also… she just admitted to be his mom. 

Steven allowed himself to make a mistake of letting the latter drown out the rest of his worries. He stood up, following her out of the Kindergarten, feeling a bit of regret as he'd imagine Amethyst helplessly searching for him for hours. The boy coughed. 

They warped away. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven didn't usually come to that warp pad location, but he liked it nonetheless. It was an edge of a field, with a horizon that was visible clear as day to a naked eye. The edge looked like a hill that was cut off in the middle. Pink sat on that edge, looking out at the setting sun. She swayed her legs back and forth. Steven sat down next to her.

"Karen." 

"Huh?"

"We wanted to call you Karen." Pink turned her head at him. 

"It's a good thing you didn't call me Karen." Said the boy who has been browsing the internet for the last 10 years. 

"And cat. I wanted to call you Cat, but Greg said we would have to call you "Katherine" to let you be Kat." She shook her head, "That's so ridiculous… We also wanted to call you Ezra. Or Rock. I even thought Pebble. Or Greg Junior." 

"You guys had a lot of options, I see." 

"We did," Pink lied through her teeth. 

"What was it like?" 

"Unimpressive." Pink coughed. 

Steven coughed too, but not as conveniently or made up as she did. 

The silence filled the air. 

"...Did you… know dad's last name was DeMayo?" 

"It is?"

"Yeah." 

"Cool." 

Nothing was fixing the awkward silence. Not even the new burst of Steven coughing. 

"I… like cartoons."

"Oh. I don't," Pink blurted. 

Steven wiped his eyes from the tears that threatened to fall. They had to have something in common, something they could talk about… 

"I love the Crystal Gems."

"Thanks. I started them." 

"You also made me." 

Pink sighed. "Yeah…" 

Steven held onto himself, since she wasn't hugging him. And he felt a weird jolt of shivers run down his spine. 

"Are you proud of the Crystal Gems?" 

"Eh. I've had toys more interesting before." 

"Well, then, then…" he coughed. "Are- are you proud of… of…" 

He didn't get to finish the sentence as he had another coughing fit, this time accompanied by shivers. His health was giving out. Steven's eyes shot wide open. He needed his other half of a gem back, or this was going to end badly. 

But… how would he even go about it? Not only was the current bearer of it extremely unimpressed and not fond of him - she was also a person that he had just found and did not want to lose - his mother. 

"We- we need to go back." Steven got up, heading towards the warp pad and shaking in his jacket. 

"Aww. I was loving the view," Pink complained, as she laughed at him when he wasn't looking, and followed him. 

Steven tried to bury deeper into his jacket, away from the cold and merciless situation, feeling a familiar smell coming from it suddenly… cotton candy and strawberry and vanilla… the components of… 

"Spinel…" He whispered softly, outside of Pink's hearing radius. They teleported back to home. 

~ ~ ~ 

Pearl sat on the couch by herself, when Steven walked by her. No one else was in the room. Steven glanced up at her. 

"Steven? You don't look very good…" 

"Where's everyone?" 

"Pip left a while ago. I'm not sure where'd she go. Garnet and S… and Calcite are outside." 

"She's here?" Steven forgot that he was feeling bad momentarily. 

"Which? Well, yes. But I'm more concerned as to where Pip could have gone- Steven?"

Steven didn't hear the end of it. He ran outside, as fast as he could. Leaving Pearl alone with Pink. 

Pink sighed, feeling her demise inching closer. She leaned on the counter, crossing her hands. 

"Thank you." 

Pearl glared. 

"For loving him. Thank you for loving him and taking care of him." 

"Well, someone had to." Pearl crossed her hands as well. 

"I know I do." Pink smirked. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven was wrong about one thing. After he left the kindergarten, Amethyst didn't continue looking endlessly. She saw him leave with his mom, ostensibly. And then she saw another gem use the warp pad. 

Pink Pearl jumped into the dirt and ran as fast as she could, her little pink ballet shoes turning brown from all the mud. She hid in the first hole she found to be of convenient size, and started to cry her eye out. 

"What's your issue, tiny?" Someone asked outside of her hole. 

"Go away!" She screamed. 

"Is that 'bout Steven?" Jasper attempted to talk again. Pip replied nothing, and she continued. 

"If ya got an issue with him - come see me after the sun sets in the open fields. We'll talk. I know a bunch of gems who'll probably relate to you." 

"What sort of gems?" Asked the soft little Pearl. 

Jasper smiled in a twisted way. Despite looking softer again, after she reformed, her sly personality was in place once again. 

"We call ourselves the war gems…" 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven made his way down the stairs outside the house, starting to hear two gems talk below. 

"Are you afraid of me?" 

Spinel sat very still, with her hands held together, staring up at the fusion who sat down by her side with a blank expression. 

"No. I'm sorry." Her tone was monotone, "I was under a lot of stress and I don't think I even realized it was you." 

"I don't blame you." Garnet replied, feeling like the smaller gem wasn't saying the full truth. She tried to grab Spinel's shoulder again. The fuchsia gem's face twitched unnoticeably, but she showed no reaction. She just glanced at the hand on her shoulder, and back up at Garnet. 

_ Stay s… still, and it will end sooner. _

"Everything is alright." Spinel lied. 

Garnet frowned at her, wanting to dig deeper but knowing that nothing could be dug up now. But then… 

"Guys?" 

The two gems looked up at the boy who approached. 

"Spinel? May I… talk to you?" 

_ Yes please just save me now. _

Spinel nodded, and Garnet stood up on her que, letting the two have a talk. 

Spinel was looking at him very sadly as he came closer. Steven stopped a few steps below her, sitting down and placing his hand on her knee. When she showed no protest, he laid his head in her lap. 

"I'm sorry."

"I know." 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Spinel smiled as Steven said that. That was usually her phrase. “I just… chased after her attention. But now I feel like I just closed my eyes on… everyone.” Steven raised his head to look at Spinel. “But that’s half the problem. That’s not even the problem at all. I’m just… so sorry that I pushed you away.” 

Oh Spinel smiled. She was growing to like this. Steven was no diamond - here he was, by her knees, begging for forgiveness. He was no ruthless master. There he was, like a kitten on her lap. She deposited her head over his own, nuzzling against the curly hair. 

"I understand…" she purred. 

"You're so good to me." Steven closed his eyes, feeling calmer, feeling at ease for the first time since this mess started. "You're so magical." 

Truly, he felt as if the gloomy clouds were lifted up all of a sudden, and he had traveled to another dimension. And in this dimension they were together alone, at inner peace, content and had all that they needed in each other. Just like in their fusion.

This… was what he needed. Nothing else. 

Spinel curled his hair around her fingers, humming softly. There he was. Finally home. 

"How can I make it up to you?" He asked softly. 

"Mmm… just stay with me. I wanna be with you… alone…" Spinel murmured, letting her guard down temporarily. "I just wan' the two of us…" 

"I want that too." Steven whispered back. 

Then he looked up at the sky. The moon was full, just like the night they met. And it reflected so beautifully on the endless sea, gently drawing its mirror image on the waves, in the motion of life. It was quiet. Nothing was wrong. He coughed. Nothing was wrong… 

"Spinel?"

"Yes?"

"Toss me up. Please." 

Spinel raised her head in surprise. 

"Do the what now?" 

Steven got up, standing on the sand below the staircase. 

"Toss me up and catch up to me." 

"I dunno…" Spinel glanced down at his half a gem with doubt. 

"I'll be fine. Trust me. I just need you to-"

Before Steven finished, he giggled as Spinel grabbed him up the hips and spin around rapidly, before tossing high to the sky. 

As he found himself making his way through the clouds, Steven easily slowed his descend, coughing a bit as he held his jacket closer for warmth. It was kind of humid… 

Then Spinel showed up, catching up to his level, and reaching her hand. But she didn't count her momentum through - didn't account that he'd change his descend speed - and she felt herself start to lose the height before she could reach him. Not that that was dangerous, she’d just try again once she’d land. It would just feel frustrating and bad… 

But it didn’t. With perfect precision, Steven fastened his descend momentarily, grabbing Spinel’s hand and bringing her closer for a tight hug. Surprised but delighted, Spinel held onto him too. Then he slowed their descend again, as the moonlight illuminated the soaring pair. 

Spinel saw the stars in Steven’s eyes. And Steven saw hearts in her own. On que that they both felt coming - they leaned closer to each other, sharing a soft kiss. 

“This is how I always feel with you.” Spinel said, as they parted so that Steven could breath. 

“I know. This is how you make me feel all the time.” 

Being so close with Spinel and absolutely away from anyone to see them felt so personal - it sent shivers down his spine. Or maybe it was the wind. Steven coughed again. This was getting annoying. 

“What’s this?” 

“I’m not sure…” Steven turned his face to the side, coughing away from her, even if he couldn’t exactly spread the virus to a different form of life. It just would have been rude. “I might be getting sick.”

“Is this- is this because…” Spinel glanced down Steven’s body, a gesture somehow made Steven’s mind wonder for a minute. 

“...What? Oh! My gem… I mean…” Steven felt shivers run down his spine, but not from the wind for once. From what he remembered. “I… I could be dying?” 

“What?!” Spinel coiled her hands around him tighter. 

“Wait, no! I’m fine, I mean. I’ve…” Steven opened his eyes wide suddenly. “My powers! They’re in place! But… You glued my gem back… I… I don’t get it! But they’re working! I feel fine, but… I don’t get it.” He coughed more, feeling a scratch in his throat worsen as he spoke. 

“You need your other half.” Spinel concluded. 

“You’re- cough- You’re the only other half I need.” Steven covered his mouth. “But we need to… settle the gem thing… Spinel?” 

He lost her at the “the only other half I need”. Her eyes were widened and trembling, it felt like they were shining. Her smile certainly was beaming. Spinel leaned into him, tying all the limbs she could around him, as she buried her face below his own, giggling. 

“You’re all I need too!” She laughed innocently. 

Did he have a heart to tell her that they needed to go down now? No, Steven did not. He held back onto her, laughing back and landing a little kiss on her head. Her hair tickled his face softly, and as she turned her head to nuzzle against him happily, it swayed, pet him, got under his nose, and he, and he- 

“Achoo!” 

Spinel uncoiled at once, making a noise of a startled cat. Her descend didn't slow at first. But then she looked down, only then realising that it was a mistake, as she plummeted down, losing Steven’s touch. Steven saw that, after he rubbed his reddening nose. He quickly fastened his descend again, now flying with his belly facing the ground, catching up and holding his hands out for her.

Did Spinel get to feel scared before that happened? Who knows. Of course she wasn’t afraid of falling from high heights. But seeing Steven drifting next to her certainly was a sight she would not be afraid to risk her life for. She held her hands in his own, as her (allegedly) elbows coiled around the boy. She brought him closer, turning so that her legs faced the ground. And there she was, now holding him. Smiling at the boy in her limbs with a find smile. That’s right, she kept him safe, she always would. 

Spinel extended her shoes out just before reaching the shore, making herself bounce up and back down a few times as she reached the ground. It was somewhat akin to being on a trampoline ride, Steven thought. Finally they were grounded, and Spinel helped him step down on his own legs. It didn’t escape her gaze that Steven shivered, holding himself together. 

“Let’s go. We have something to settle.” 

She helped him walk back to the house. 

~ ~ ~ 

Two things happened at the same time, but only one of them was noticed. 

The warp pad lit up, and a single pale pearl known as Pip landed on it, and Steven and Spinel walked into the room from the opposite side of that. 

It was a weird scenery that they walked back to. Pearl was sitting on the couch next to Pink… and she was laughing with her. Not mockingly, not angrily, not saltily. Genuinely laughing. But also seemingly concerned for something. As she eyed the two, she quit her laughing, now looking more collected and serious. She moved back away from Pink.

Garnet came down the stairs as they returned. 

“Oh hey. Ya left? I didn’t notice.” Pink said, placing her elbow on her knee and prepping her head on it. Looking bored once again. 

“Mom…” Steven looked up at her. “We need to talk.” 

Pink waved her hand, _ go on. _

“You only have half the gem. So do I. And I… think I might need your half. Otherwise I…” Steven glanced back at Spinel. “I won’t be complete. You’re already been a part of me. I’m… missing you now.”

Pink put both her elbows on her knees, crossed her arms, and deposited her unamused looking face on her hands. 

“That so, huh?” 

“Yes.” Steven frowned. 

Pink glanced at Spinel, down her exposed gem, and back at Steven again. 

“You still play with toys?” She mocked. “Well. I guess a child stays a child, but… wow.” 

Spinel stuttered, and if she had a heart she would have felt it sink now. 

Steven puffed his cheeks, as he pointed at Spinel, “This is _ not a toy _. This is Spinel. She’s a gem of her own mind, with her own life and choices.” Steven made a step closer towards Spinel, grabbing her hand, “And I love her!” 

“Okay?” Pink rolled her eyes. 

Steven closed his eyes, feeling the familiar anger rise up in him. The diamond shapes threatened to appear again… 

And then he felt something else. Spinel gripped his hand back. 

And then… it clicked. 

Whatever has cracked inside of Steven several hours ago - clicked back together. 

“ “_ Okay”? _You know what?” He bought Spinel closer as he spoke to his mom, “I… I don’t need this!” 

Pink blinked, her expression neutral. Though her eyebrow slowly raised up as he spoke. 

“I don’t need _ you! _ Yes, that’s- that’s right, I don’t need you to love me - I already love myself. And I don’t need you to respect me - I respect me! And I don’t even need you to know me, for all I care! You can go away, you can keep your half a gem and go and live a life and never even see me! _ I don’t need you in my life! _” 

Steven expected that it would be much more harder to say that. But as he voiced the last part - he found that he felt… much easier. As if a heavy weight had finally left his shoulders. 

“I don’t need the mom you would have been!” He screamed more, feeling lighter and lighter, easier as he spoke, “I already have the best mothers I could have ever wished for! I have the best dad I could ever wish for! And I’ve always had Pearl, always had Garnet, I always had Amethyst, I have the Diamonds as my aunts or grandmothers or something, and I- I have Spinel! They’ve all always been there for me, when I was sick, when I was weak, when I was down and sad and scared. They always supported me and they always loved me, and I know they’ll always love me too! I don’t need you to support or approve of my life! I already have all that I need. ” 

Steven stopped to catch his breath, coughing more. It took everything from what was left of his voice to say it, as the itchy throat got the best of him. 

But at least he said it. At least he said it to himself. 

Pink kept looking at him. Then she closed her eyes, letting her expression soften momentarily. She put her hands down and spoke again, but in a different tone. Not the childish mocking one that she has been using all along. 

She spoke in a soft and comforting tone, with a soft sigh of relief in her voice, 

“Finally. I thought we’d never come here.” 

Steven grimaced at her in confusion, as Pink started to laugh. In a pure and soft laughter that sounded like a ringing a Lily of the Valley would have made, had it been a real little bell. 

It wasn’t as annoying, but Steven still tried to cover his ears to avoid hearing her mock him, probably. It didn’t feel like she was mocking him now, but he covered his ears and eyes. And suddenly found… 

That he was still hearing her inside of his head. 

Steven opened his eyes wide. One of his eyes was missing its vision. It was pure white and shining, just like Pink shined up before him, changing her shape into Rose Quartz (whom Spinel did not register), and then turning into… 

A mirror image. An identity. A happiness. An other half of a single being. 

Pink Steven. 

Everyone in the room stayed quiet, looking at the scenery. 

It was the pink elephant in the room that broke the silence first himself. 

“Took you long enough.” He smirked. 

Steven blinked twice at him. Then the event kicked in, and he opened his mouth again. 

“What the fuck.” 

Pink Steven laughed more, smiling. “Did you really think I would let us slide?” 

“Let us slide??” Steven raised his hands, confused, begging for an explanation. 

“Do you not remember? Before I reformed. You _ doubted. _” 

Steven looked down quietly, recalling that he truly did doubt for a second that his other half would reform out of the other part of his gem. 

“I don’t… I don’t get it…” 

No one got it. 

Pink Steven eyed everyone in the room, smiling contently - that was new - as he decided he’d let them see behind the curtains a little more. 

“We were back the moment they used the healing tears on us. Did you not question why did all our powers work after being rejuvenated? But I felt you doubt that our mom was gone. So I had to remind you.” 

“Remind me by… pretending to be her?” Steven coughed out. 

“Remind you that she’s gone, and remind you that we don’t need her to love us.” Pink Steven placed his hands on Steven’s shoulders. “We already love ourselves.” 

"Steven?" Spinel whispered from behind. 

"Oh, uhm, Spinel. This… is my identity. I told you about it." 

"So he's back now, so… you're not dying? Yes?" She was mildly confused, and very concerned. 

Both Stevens replied in unison, looking at her softly, "I am not dying, this is just a human cold." 

Then Steven looked at his pink self again. 

"But… I don't get it. That's such a… such a…" 

"Dick move." Finished Pink Steven. 

Pearl frowned at him. 

"Why would I do this to myself?" Steven asked, looking at himself. 

"Why would we not." Pink Steven replied. "We have hurt Spinel in our anger today. We could allow to hurt ourselves just to remember what is important." 

"I…" Steven held onto his head. Pink Steven mirrored his motion. "I really did… Pip threw me off balance, and then all that stuff with… gosh… all I did was let my anger take the best of me today." 

Steven rubbed his head, turning back to look at Spinel once again. 

"I am so sorry." Both said once more. 

"I'm a little confused but that's alright." Spinel rubbed her hands together shyly. "I'm just glad you'll be fine." Then she got a thought that she realised she would not live in peace if she wouldn't commit now. 

She stepped forward, between the two, hugging her Steven. Steven hugged her back, and just like she expected, Pink Steven stood up and hugged her as well from behind. She got safely sandwiched between the two, warmly covered from the cold world outside... 

She giggled. Alright, she was right. This felt good. This felt like home. This felt… _ safe. _

She nuzzled against her boys, letting the moment last an eternity. 

Reluctantly, she let go, stepping behind and looking at the two halves of a single gem lovingly. 

Around the two, Pearl and Garnet still sat quietly, smiling, exchanging knowing looks. 

And somewhere in the distance, Pip was sitting down on the warp pad, letting the despair of her life sink in. 

"Still." Steven turned at himself. "That was a dick move." 

"Let us be better then." 

"And handle our anger better." 

"We are not Pink."

"She is gone." 

"And we are better."

"We are we."

"We are me." 

The two laughed, hugging each other, letting their gems glow up - and soon after instead of the two mirror images, there was a single boy in the room, hugging himself. Loving himself. Loving being himself. 

And living his own life, in which he already had all the love he needed. 

Spinel approached him first, hugging him. Behind her came Garnet, hugging both kids with her arms. And then Pearl joined the hug.

In the distance, Pip teleported away into unknown destination. 

Pearl patted Steven's head, while Garnet pet Spinel's head. The little fuchsia gem kept her emotions to herself, while Steven smiled at the comfort of his family. 

"I'm glad you've remembered who you are, and that you love yourself." Pearl began softly. 

"We're proud of you, Steven." Garnet smiled. 

"But you're still getting grounded for mentally scarring us while you learned your lesson." Finished Pearl. 

Steven frowned momentarily, but looking at Spinel in his arms, realised that being stuck with her together in his room wasn't such a bad perspective for now. 

After all, he probably needed it anyways, as the time he got wet in the rain on a beach day finally caught up to him, and as he… 

As he…

As he…

"Achoo!" Steven hid his face into his sleeve, while the two knowing gems stepped back from his sneezing. 

But not Spinel. 

Spinel jumped up, startled, springing to the ceiling and looping around some wooden plank sticking out of it. 

Steven looked up at her, wiping his red nose with his sleeve. Spinel glanced down, shaking, concerned. But he seemed calm, so she calmed down too, now tugging her limbs back to uncoil them… and realising that she got some of them tied together on accident. She puffed her cheeks, blushing in embarrassment, as Steven noticed what happened to her. 

Then they both laughed about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this story arc would be longer, huh.  
If you want to feel good I can recommend rereading the previous chapters and seeing all the hints of this happening.  
Such as "Three gems in the room" being said whenever there were Pink, Steven, and two more people in the scene. 
> 
> I threw quite a bunch of headcanons in here so if you have questions, as always, I'll be waiting to answer them over at monsterritory on tumblr.


	16. The Flowerpot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven is sick and grounded, and Spinel is by his side the whole time.  
Some old friends are planning to visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy it's been a while since I posted a chapter with this amount of angst in it.  
Proceed with caution and water.

"You can come down, I promise this is… a normal human thing. That's just sneezing." 

Spinel glared at the boy on the bed from the top of his shelf. 

"Well, if you say so…" She stretched her legs, stepping down, still holding up the bowl of soup she carried from the kitchen, "But it… gives me bad feelings." 

Steven moved back on his bed, dragging with him the several blankets he was curled up into, making way for his gemfriend to sit next to him. 

"But I'm the one sneezing? I'm sorry, does the noise startles you?"

"It's not the noise…" 

Spinel reached the bowl for the boy who took it carefully. She let him nestle in her lap, while she ran her hands around that worm of blankets that he was. Steven motioned for the lack of spoon in the bowl to use, but to his delight it wasn't missing. Spinel just had it in her hand. She poked Steven's cheek with a soft giggle, as she took care to feed him the healing soup by spoon herself. 

"You're so adorable like this… I almost feel bad that you're gonna be healthy again soon." 

"You uhm… I don't have to be sick for you to feed me by spoon..." Steven covered his face, but Spinel lowered his hand back down from it, looking at the pretty little blush on his face. He was almost as pink as she was on his cheeks. 

"Sooo uh… what is startling you, if it's not the noise?"

"Oh uhm…" Spinel coughed, then quickly shoved another spoon into the boy's mouth, "How's the soup, Stevie?" 

Steven reached for her hand before she shoved another silencer his way. 

"Spinel?"

"I don't want you to get wrong ideas about me." 

The boy shifted to hold her by the hand. 

"I'll trust you." 

"I'm… surprised that you don't already know." Spinel tilted her head, "I'm supposed to be your friend. Instead I love you - that's my own… decision to be. But that doesn't… doesn't cancel out that I'm…" she looked away from him, "I'm made for a Pink Diamond." 

Steven let her speak on, waiting patiently. 

"It's like I'm programmed to always care about you. Sense your location and mood, and stuff." She turned her head back at him, "I don't want you to think that that's the reason I want to be with you! I do love you, that's more than what I was made for." 

"I get it, I get it." Reassured the boy in her hold. "I trust you. And I wouldn't… blame you for this. I think you were made for me as much as I was meant to be your friend. But you know I love you for more than that." He paused, momentarily. "Oh, _ now _that makes sense!" 

"Huh?" 

"Why I startle you when I sneeze. Humans kind of die for a second when they sneeze." Steven bit his lips, "I'm literally giving you heart attacks. Whoa… I'm sorry." 

"Humans work really weird." Spinel concluded. 

She still wanted to go to Homeworld to have some sense of upper hand in knowing how things work, but this was not the time and not the settings. They tried to go there, and ended up with a whole mess spiraling out of Pink Pearl in her unattended grief. At least there she would feel like she knew how things work that Steven didn't know anything about. She wanted to feel above, for some time. And she did find some of that feeling while she cared for him, tended to him, fed him… 

"You're the one to talk. But… look, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten onto me yesterday, but I _ promise _to you - I'll never order you again."

She didn't feel like he would keep that promise. And the intrusive thoughts of how could that fear come to fruition gave her unwanted worries and mental images. 

"I take your word for it." She replied, stretching her hand to set the empty bowl back down. 

"I could have came and picked that myself!" Pearl screamed from the kitchen, when she saw the pink hand stretch all the way down from Steven's room to place it in the kitchen sink. But the hand only put the tip of the pointing finger to the tip of the thumb, as it reeled all the way back up. 

Back where it was meant to be - hugging Steven. 

"Are you cold?" Spinel murmured, nuzzling against the boy. She just wanted to do anything for the boy who meant the world to her. "Can I get you anything?" 

" 'M good, thank you. Just stay here."

Steven let himself be held and be protected. It reminded him of being a small child and seeking comfort from his friends and finding it in physical affection. 

Just how much did Spinel know about it? She spent first part of her life exploited, second by standing still, and the third one was now. Was she touch starved? Perhaps there was another word to describe her level of touch depravity.

She wasn't touch starved. She was touch dead. 

Spinel was still in a long long road to recovery. It's been so long… has anything changed? There were times she wanted to cry her eyes out when the despair of her seeming lack of progress would show up. It all felt hopeless. It felt like she could be abandoned, it felt like she would get controlled, it felt like she had to be in a certain way so that Steven wouldn't grow bored and leave her behind. And it was tear jerking when she'd let herself focus on all of that. 

She was falling, spiraling, drifting further into the shadows that tied around her limbs and mouth like the Garden vines, and held her back from reaching for help. 

It was awful. It was so hard to open up about anything. To admit sadness, hurt, hysteria, panic. To admit the feelings she couldn't even name. To hope that she would not be annoying anyone around her had she reached out for help. And she needed that help so much more often than she actually asked for it. 

Steven was her last hope. A hope that she could be pulled out of this and be whole again someday. And more than anything it was _ embarrassing _to admit she had only relapsed back since they were together. 

As for Steven. He felt relieved he no longer found himself trying to walk the eggshells around Spinel. He thought she was making good progress, although certain moments had him worried. 

Spinel was talkative, the more she was excited - the more she'd talk. So any sort of prolonged silences or pauses were never a good sign. The boy suspected she was withholding talking about her feelings. 

Still he had hopes for her. Hopes in himself - to change her for the better. Not for himself - Steven has learned he will love her no matter what she will become and no matter how far down she'll fall. He wished better for Spinel. And he would make her content with her emotions and imperfection. 

No matter what or how long it'll take. 

~ ~ ~ 

Reality came knocking on the door of his conscious in the face of a hand that slowly stroked his face and played with his hair a little. Steven reached to hold that hand in his own, feeling a soft kiss follow on top of his hand. 

_ Spinel… _

He wished he could one day give this back to her - wake her up softly, into the world of love and adoration he had a plenty of to put into her. 

"What time?" He hummed. 

"Still sunny." Spinel replied, holding his warm hand in both of her own. 

Steven shook off the cocoon of blankets he had build around himself, like a butterfly coming to life in her new attire. He felt somewhat better, but still hot from the heat of this fever he caught. 

The gem by his side looked oh so lovingly at the boy with the messy hair and circles under his sleepy eyes, and a little trail of salvia that stilled on his chin. She loved it all about him. He couldn't help but smile back. 

"Ya hungry, boyo?"

"I'm good." 

"Pearl said to check your temperament when you wake up." Spinel said, reeling her free hand for the thermometer on the bed stand. She couldn't tell why did Steven suddenly laugh at her words, but it felt nice to be of entertainment, whatever was the reason that that happened. 

"I feel good, really." Steven took the device from her. "Though… there is one thing…" 

"Yes?" _ Anything, love. _

"It's just that…" _ Okay, okay, just an attempt, _ "I've been… I've done a lot of bad things lately…" 

Steven leaned down, towards Spinel, holding one hand over her shoulder. 

"I probably… have to make it up, or uhm… well, maybe… need to do something for it… with-with anything I could do for you..." 

Spinel giggled, stroking his face back, "Oh it's alright, Stevie." She kissed his forehead, "I already forgive the world to you. You don’t owe anything." 

Alright. Well. Not what he expected, but good to know. 

"Thanks. You should… be honest if I ever upset you though." 

"Upset? How could I ever be upset at my…" Spinel held her hands to her cheeks in excitement, "My very own _ boyfriend! _" She sang. 

"Well I mean, you could. Just like I could be."

Record scratched, as the gem's eyes shot open and her smile turned upside down. But she waited before coming to conclusion.

Well, actually, she did not. She assumed at least ten worst-way scenarios this could have gone, before Steven continued.

"No, no, you haven't done anything. I'm just saying - it'd be alright if you did, because we'd just talk it out. That's what couples do. That'd be okay." 

Spinel's mouth said "Oh okay." but her face said "Guess I'll just die if I ever upset you." with a bittersweet smile. And Steven read that. He reached for her hand. 

"No, it's really really okay. We can mess up and we can be imperfect with each other. Love's about working through things. You can trust there's nothing you could ever do that I would leave you over, or refuse to work out through." 

Spinel gave him a sad little smile. 

"Knowing me that might become a challenge." She bit her lip. "Sorry, I know what I can be. I just don't want you to deal with… _ all _ that I can be." 

The next moment two hands by her sides brought her closer to the boy, as she faced him.

"But I want to deal with _ all _of you!" 

On second thought, that probably came across more menacing than Steven intended. 

"You're imperfect. I'm imperfect. That's okay! Nothing has to be perfect or good enough." He sighed, bringing up something that hanged in the air for a while now, "You can tell me when you feel down. Anytime you feel down. I know you keep it a secret. But I promise you have nothing to fear when you tell me." 

On her side, Spinel sighed as well, moving back and standing up tall before Steven's bed. 

"I know!" She announced, raising her hands. "I know you mean well, I know you're willing to put up with me! I know you want to say that you're "not putting up with me - you love me!" And I trust that!" The spread her hands out, "_ But that doesn't change what I lived through! _" 

Steven pouted at her. 

"You're not with Pink now."

Spinel pointed at herself, pulling a salty toothy grin, "My trauma doesn't clarify."

"You're right. But that doesn't mean you… can't try to start to… trust more?" Steven rubbed the back of his head, "Gosh, it's not like I can push you to this. I just want you to know that… you can. Anytime you'll want to try - I'm here for you, to help you." 

Steven reached a hand out, inviting her to sit back next to him. 

"...I'm a lot to handle." She hesitated, holding her hands together over her heart shaped gem. 

"And I'm handful! I have two hands, I can handle you. I _ want _to." 

The offer, in the form of Steven's hand, stayed in the air. 

Spinel closed her eyes, counting. Waiting. Waiting for it to lower in despair. This can't be true, this won't be true, she'll ruin it, she knows she'll ruin it, she always ruins it, she's not the best for him, her breathing fastens, she's a mess, Steven deserves better… 

Spinel shot her eyes open with determination in them, and spiraled pupils. 

He deserves better. But _ damn, _ she wants him for herself. Even if she's the worst ever - she wants him by her side. And she _ will _ have him. 

It wasn't right, and probably not healthy. But Spinel knew no better way to cope with her trauma. 

Her breathing evened, and she reached a hand to hold onto Steven's one, letting him help her climb back on the bed next to him, as she hugged him. Her body reflected her mental state, as she became smaller than him again and held onto him tightly. With a soft sigh she placed her head over his shoulder. 

"I want to be with you too." _ More than I hate myself. _

"I love you, Spinel." _ And I'll teach you to love yourself too. Eventually. _

It wasn't the first time they talked about this, probably not the first time those words were said and points were made between them. But that's how that is. That's how healing is - never in one take. 

~

Mental healing wasn't the only one on Steven's mind at the moment. Not with that cold. So maybe he could draw a parallel, or use it to his advantage? 

"Spinel?" 

The gem that was curled around him under the blankets hummed back. 

"We're stuck here for days anyways. Can I ask you to humour me and-"

"Oh golly gee! I thought you'd never ask! Of course you can - I was made for it!" 

Spinel sprung up, landing on the floor on her hands, and launching up once more to turn around and face Steven. 

"Did you hear about a Bismuth that stayed on Earth to build houses and scaffoldings? They say she's got a good _ Bismuth _ going." 

Steven chuckled. "Spinel, that's not-"

"Oh wait, you'll love this one. Why did a Spinel come down to Earth?" 

"I dunno, why did a Spinel come down to Earth?" Steven bat his eyes, expecting the punchline to be along the lines of "To kiss her boyfriend.", with the action following.

Spinel spun around on her heel and posed, smiling wide, "To meet the maker!"

Steven just blinked, fixing his cover. 

"...On Earth to say "to meet the maker" means "to die"." The boy whispered with a pout, not getting the joke. 

"I know." Spinel continued to smile at him. "It would make more sense - well, be funnier - if you knew how I was made."

"Well, may I know how were you made?"

"No." She lost her smile for that one word, but quickly changed back to her happy tone again, "Why did a Topaz fuse with a Topaz?"

Steven shrugged. 

"Because she couldn't allow _ topaz _ up the opportunity!" Spinel cheered. 

"Thank you Spinel, that's very funny, but that's not what I meant by humouring me." Steven attempted. But Spinel was a quicker thinker than he was. Especially now that she wasn't stuck counting the seconds. 

The liberation of moving never failed to make her happy. She put a finger to her cheek, thinking about it. 

"Hmmm… hm hm hmm hm… _ Oooooh! _" She laughed, twirling her hands, "I get what you want now! Oh you playful little thing, you!" She cooed. 

"I- what?" 

She used her hands to spring up and land back on the bed. Then she dragged the covers off the sick boy, and pushed him on his back. 

"Spinel-" Steven barely got to gasp. 

"Oh don't be shy, I get it. It's alright, honey you should have just asked if you wanted this!" The gem above him beamed happily. 

"_This is really not what I _\- wait I could have just asked?" 

"Of course, silly!" Spinel raised her hands up, in a strangely menacing way. "I would never pass up an opportunity… to tickle you!"

Before the boy could protest, she moved her hands down and below his shirt, tickling the boy on the sides and laughing along with him. 

Steven could have swore he heard her say something along the lines of "Who's a good human boy?" above him, but at the moment he could only try his best to concentrate on breathing and trying to ask her to stop. When the words that he couldn't even make out proved to be ineffective, Steven managed to slam his hands down over Spinel's own, catching his breath while she stared down at her hands now kept under his shirt. 

"Spinel I- I appreciate this, but that's not what I meant!" 

She withdrew her hands, looming over the boy once again and almost whispering to him in a tone that underlined just how alone and private they were at the moment. 

"What do you want, Steven?" 

"I want to talk about your feelings."

Spinel pouted. 

"My… my feelings? Uhhhhhh- You know… You know, Steven, if…" she placed one hand over the exposed part of his belly, making her hand "walk" over it with two fingers for legs, that she even shapeshifted to have pointy shoes like her own, "You know, if there's something else you _ want me to do… _ something _ special… _ sacred… our own - then you should know I _ feel _ like I'd… gladly do that to you again." 

Steven hesitated to reply. She got the hint he dropped hours ago, but why only now? Of course he wanted_ this _ , but not like _ this _. Not by using her with her lack of knowledge of what was she doing. 

Spinel raised his shirt just a little bit, gazing down into the pink diamond in the middle of his belly. All while Steven pondered on her offer. The perspective… was awfully seducing… so pleasant to think about, it almost felt like there was a catch to it. 

And Steven found that catch when he asked himself: Why did she just agree to it? Why did she offer it herself and so suddenly? 

The answer was simple. To avoid talking about her feelings. 

As much as the teenage hormones were starting to get to Steven - he had to refuse. They would not be in such a perfect position to talk about her feelings again, had he said yes to this now, or maybe Spinel would feel like she could always find other ways out of facing her own feelings with him if she got away with it now. And on top of that, it was still unfair that he couldn't please her back. 

No. This would have to wait for another day. 

But Steven was just a tiny bit late to voice that he wanted none of that, and - he felt both a bit of concern and hormonal fascination when Spinel suddenly ducked her head down at him - to plant a little kiss on his shiny gem. 

"_ Ah! _" 

Spinel shot back up with a delayed reaction, visibly ready to apologize for weeks for the gesture. Steven was more concerned as to whether or not he should have felt _ that _when she did such a simple gesture. But he had her emotions to tend to now. 

"Sorry, I…"

"It's okay. It felt… nice." 

"Oh, well, do you… want me to do it again?"

"Yes. I mean- no. I mean, I do, just…" Steven tucked his shirt back in. "Just not today. Sorry." 

His sorry is what helped her feel more safe about this.

"Did I do something wrong?" 

"No, you didn't. I just have something that's more important to me right now." 

Steven sat up to face her, reaching out for a hug. Spinel smiled and took the invitation, hugging him tightly, keeping her hands on his back, and thinking that this hug was about reassuring her that she did no wrong. As always, she looped her hands around Steven's torso a few times. Ah, this was pleasure. This - she could always do, she was made for, she felt right doing… 

But little did she know, this hug… was a trap! 

Steven hugged her back, falling on his back and trapping her with him. 

"So..." He waited to see if this was past the red line of a panic attack inducing. But it seemed that being with him outweighed being scared of restriction this time, "Let's talk about your feelings." 

Spinel let her neck loose, letting her head lay nearby Steven's face on his pillow as she pouted. 

"I dun wanna…" 

"_ Spinel.. _." Softly, with gentle persuasion. 

"I'm feelin'... happy."

"Is that so?"

"Well, duh. I'm happy with you."

"What about your self worth?"

"My what now, I don't have any-" That slipped out. She coughed, trying to get a hand reeled back to cover her mouth, but just now realising the evilness of Steven's trap of her hands, as they were neatly deposited below his back. 

The boy watched. No signs of panic attack. Just mild confusion. So far so good. 

"I mean… I don't have aaany… issues with it?" She gave a painfully fake smile. 

Steven looked at her with such a soft and heartfelt concern - she couldn't take it. 

"Mhmmm… fine!" She puffed her cheeks. "What do you wanna know? I think I'm bad, I don't think I've done any better lately. I think you deserve better… But I want to be with you." 

The boy below her smiled softly. There, some progress. She was opening up, there we go, just like that. Steven patted her back softly.

"You're doing good." He mouthed. 

Was she really? 

"And, well… well I want to be better. For you. I… don't always know how."

"That's alright."

He was so encouraging and looking at her so caringly as she warily took the steps in the pitch black room of opening up, not knowing for sure but suspecting that one of those steps could send her rocketing down through the floor. 

"I… don't want to talk about my feelings. I mean - I don't always want to. It makes me feel… like I'm a _ burden! _" She closed her eyes, "Like I'm opening up just to say that I'm a mess and have people pat my back and say "you can do bettew, uw-hu". It never goes anywhere. I feel useless trying to do anything with it and end up feeling like I just wasted everyone’s time. It's so - so much easier to just not tell anyone how I feel and put on a smile - than to admit that I don't even always know why I'm sad!" 

Spinel opened her eyes again, biting her lips. It was starting to sink in just how vulnerable her position was now, with her face looming just above Steven's, and her tears occasionally dripping onto his cheeks… for how long was she crying?

Spinel tried to tug her hands back again, but Steven refused. He cupped her head and wiped her tears, stroking her hair gently. Looking up at her with a fondest smile he could pull.

"It's okay, Spinel. You're doing good - so good. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. I'm really glad to hear what's going on inside your mind."

Sometimes, just sometimes, talking to her felt like talking to a traumatized child to comfort them. And maybe it really was like that. 

"It's all good. Thank you. You did good."

"You're not… mad?"

"Of course I'm not. I'm glad! I love it when you talk about your feelings."

"But… I didn't make sense. I don’t think I did." 

"It doesn't matter. Feelings don't always make sense. But you put them to words so well and I'm so proud of you."

Sure this was an unconditional overdo, but for what it's worth - it seemed to do the intended job. Spinel had to be taught that this was okay. That talking was okay. 

And here she was, looking around as if she forgot where she was or wasn't believing what was happening. Sure, there was a mild worry about her hands being restricted, but it was just Steven, so it was kind of okay. Kind of safe. And here he was, petting her anywhere he could reach and thanking her for… being a burden? She didn't get it. 

But a praise is a praise. And it did the expected effect.

Her expression of fear and worry softened into a little smile. A single word flashed in her mind - _security_. 

"Thank you."

She leaned down, rubbing her face against his own. 

"The pleasure is all mine." 

"Hey, uhm…" Spinel glanced to the side. "Do you still want uh…"

"Yes…" Steven replied just between the intonation of a question and a confirmation. 

Before both could finish the thought, a floor board squeaked behind the two. Startled, they turned their heads towards the intruder, looking at Pearl with just as much astonishment as she had looking at the two like this. 

Steven opened his mouth to say something along the lines of "It's not what it looks like", but before he did - Pearl gave them an awkward thumbs up of approval, and hurried away, leaving the medicine she came in carrying on the shelf. 

Once she was gone, Spinel and Steven glanced at each other again, laughing about that. Well, the mood for more explorations was out of question. 

"I'm gonna need my hand to get that medicine for you."

The boy pouted, "I like your hands with me."

"I won't leave your side, silly. I'll just reel it here." 

Finally, Steven sat up and let her get her hands back. Spinel still held onto him, as she grabbed the meds and the glass of water for him, and fixed the covers back up around the two.

"Honestly, I'm feeling much better already." Steven concluded. 

"You wanna go and tell them you're healthy?"

"Hmm. No. I don't think I do."

"Oh ho ho, are you going to… _ lie? _" 

"I call it a strategically postponed notification." 

"Postponed for what?"

"Well, mostly for this, I hope…" Steven hugged Spinel, "I'm grounded anyways. Might as well cuddle with you the whole day." 

This time they both laid down, with Spinel giggling in Steven’s hands. It was one of those times when Spinel would smile at him with sincerity, with no fears and no emotions hidden or held back. Those times when she was genuinely _ happy _. To Steven, giving her those moments was worth a lifetime. 

"Spinel?"

"Yes?"

"...Do you know more gem puns?"

She giggled, "Do I know more gem puns? Do all blue aligned gems fly?" 

Steven blinked at her with a dumbfounded smile. 

"Blue aligned gems fly." Spinel gripped his hand, sighing happily. "At least I finally get to teach you a thing or two."

"Yeah, I could use that. I'm still a little rough at Earthly updog thought." 

"What's "updog"?"

Steven grinned with an evil smirk. 

~ ~ ~ 

"They're growing closer so fast." Pearl leaned on the counter, mixing a cup of freshly made coffee in her hands. "...Garnet?"

Garnet sat on the couch with her legs crossed, seemingly meditating. She was looking through the possible futures, if Pearl had to guess. And she kept looking… concerned, adjusting her shades and looking more tensed the deeper she dug. 

"Come on, come on… at least one timeline where it doesn't happen…" she whispered. 

"Garnet?" Pearl came closer, now more concerned. "What are you seeing?"

"I'm seeing… but that's just the near future…" 

_ Let's try looking further, _Thought Sapphire. 

Garnet raised a finger up, making Pearl sit quietly while she tried to look further ahead. She frowned more and more… and finally, she smiled. 

"We're good." She said, putting her hands together and looking at Pearl, ready for any sort of discussion. 

"I think we should check on Amethyst sometime soon." 

"She's planning to come here with Jasper this weekend." 

Pearl looked down, "Do you see anything good about Jasper? Do you think she could one day remember?" 

Garnet didn't bat an eye, "There is nothing for her to remember." 

Unfortunately Pearl missed the point of that phrase. 

~ ~ ~ 

“...And the last I heard from him was him asking me to forget him.” 

Connie sat by the window, staring out at the rain that poured down that day. A girl she knew well came to sit by her side, with a journal in her hands. 

“Yeah girl you fucked up big time.” Said her friend with benefits. 

“I didn’t know… Ugh, okay, yeah! I did! And it led me exactly where I thought Spinel would lead me - to losing Steven. But I did this to myself… myself.” She curled her knees to her chest. “Maybe if I had just… supported them and trusted in our friendship more...” 

“We should visit him.” 

“I don’t think he’ll be very glad to see me.” Connie shook her head. 

“Hey, chin up. If you two really are friends - then you’re gonna work through this.” 

“Why would he forgive any of this to me? I tried to sabotage his love life several times.” 

“Yeah, well, what’d the cake plan ended up doing?” the girl gave a knowing smile. Connie covered her face at that. 

“Not something I’m fond of remembering…” 

“I bet they are fond though.”

“Huh?”

“Like, yeah, you tried to fuck them up, but in the end you’re kind of the reason they drifted closer to each other.” 

“I guess…” 

“Sooo…” The short haired girl closed the journal and put it down. “They owe you for that in their life. And _ come ooon, _ I want to see all that magic stuff you talked about!” 

“Well I mean… it won’t hurt to try and fix it all one last time? After all, haha, I can’t possibly do more damage unintentionally than I’ve already caused!” 

Connie stood up, holding her hands on her hips and grinning wide, suddenly filled with hope of one of her most important friendships working out in the end of it all. 

“That’s what I love about you - you can be so strong when you set your mind to things.” Her friend came closer, chuckling as she kissed Connie’s cheek, watching the latter get flustered. 

“Aww hehe, I wouldn’t be able to set it without you. You know what to say to give me hope.” 

Connie reached for her girlfriend’s hand softly. 

“Thank you, Marilyn.” 

“Aww. No, you. ‘Kay, let’s see when’s the next free spot in our schedule.” 

“I think we have a window in two weeks…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Boy it's been a while since I posted a chapter with this amount of angst in it."
> 
> "This amount of angst" being none of it. Haha, got'cha!


	17. The Bushes Wilted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bushes wilted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bushes wilted.

“So when do I die?” Spinel asked from the floor, all her limbs loose around her like spaghetti. 

“How did this even happen?” Pearl shook her head. 

“Dude you’re like grilled cheese now.” Amethyst laughed at the scenery. 

She received an angry glare from the worried boy who paced around. 

“Does- does that happen to gems? Can they get sick with their gems intact? Spinel, is your gem intact?” 

“Yeah.” Spare for varying control of her limbs and coughing, Spinel looked fine. “It was whole last time I checked.” 

“Well I got sick once.” Amethyst noted. 

“Throwing up doesn’t count, you shapeshift to do that.” Pearl replied, continuing to inspect whatever has happened to Spinel. “Spinel, have you been, by any chance, exploring the Earth? Do you recall going to any sort of… dangerous looking places? Do you recall any human coughing next to you? I know that doesn’t make sense, but I- I don’t know. Maybe one of a kind gems are built differently...”

“Well I did have Steven cough at me.” 

“But I was having a human flu? Or… wait…” Steven thought about it for two extra seconds, “Could I have, because I’m a half gem… _ invented _a virus that gems can get sick with?!” He held onto his head in worry.

Pearl slowly inched away from Spinel, trying to pull out one prolonged “Nooo… I don't think so, no…”. But Amethyst moved closer to her instead. 

“Cough on me.” 

“Amethyst _ no _.” 

“Ahh come on…” 

Pearl picked Amethyst up and stepped back. The short purple gem seemed content with being carried like a baby very much. She pulled a face of a pleased cat.

“I… think we’ll leave you two to figure this out. Steven, you’ve got healing powers, but feel free to say that you need more help.” 

“I need more help.” The boy replied in a heartbeat. 

“Good to hear. Good luck.” Pearl opened the temple room and went to her own, carrying Amethyst with her. 

“Way to ditch him, Pi.” 

“I’ve seen you sick, I don’t need you dying twice.” Pearl’s voice faded, as the door closed. 

Steven kneeled down next to the coughing gem, picking her head into his hands and raising it up to face her. Spinel looked alright, spare of the weakness preventing her from having a grip at all times, and some coughing and sneezing every once in a while. Loose and soft like that, she resembled a sweet love child of cotton candy and grilled cheese. 

“Okay let’s… let’s assume this is a cold. And it needs to be treated as one.”

Spinel stuck her tongue out, “I’m not eating soup!” 

“You won’t have to. I think? Maybe? Uh… let’s just get you to bed for now.” 

He deposited her head on his shoulder - which was short lived, as it instantly fell over his shoulder and back to the floor with a little thud and an "Ow". 

"Sorry." 

"It's okay- it wouldn't be the first time I'm losing my head over you." Spinel laughed, "Alright. Give me a second…" 

She reeled her limbs up, looking concentrated as her limbs became more firm again. She raised a hand at Steven, waiting for him to help her stand up. But instead, Steven grabbed her torso and picked her up, letting her tie her hands and legs and him. She deposited her head over his own, and he thought it was rather cute to carry her like she was a baby this time. Steven carried her back to his room - there she belonged - and placed back down on their bed. 

"This time I'll take care of you."

Spinel sighted softly, stretching reasonably on the bed, "Just don't tie me 'till I spill about my feelings again." 

The boy gestured of thinking about it, "Hmm, I'll see about that." 

"_ Steveeen… _"

"You gotta learn that it's okay." 

"Okay! Talking about my feelings is okay! There, I learned it!"

"Then I guess you don't mind if we put it to practice again?"

Spinel grabbed a pillow and placed it over her head, curling up with a pained groan. 

"_ Please not now… _" was muffled through the pillow in a pained tone. 

Luckily she didn't see Steven sigh. Maybe he could make her love it one day? Could he get her rewards instead of gentle persuasion, to make her crave wanting to open up? 

No, wait, that's just thinking of her as if she was a bunny to be trained. Then again… whatever would have worked for the better would be great, wouldn't it? Victory excuses the means of getting to it. And forcing her was edging on a dangerous line of pushing too far. 

One small step at a time would be good enough. Steven sat on the edge of the bed, reaching to pat her head softly. 

"It's okay, it's okay…" 

A pink gloved arm slowly coiled around his hand. The moment Steven tried to retract his hand back - Spinel pushed it back onto her head, prompting the boy to keep patting and petting her. 

And he obliged. He'd spend all the time doing that if he had it… 

~ ~ ~ 

But he didn't have it. Measures had to be taken once again. Steven neglected one last intergalactic conflict for too long. 

The War Gems. The gems who weren't pleased with the end of tyranny and dictatorship of the Diamonds, due to losing all the power and respect they held in the now-disbanded armies. 

A good bunch of them had a personal grudge against Steven, which strangely flattered him. For once it was about something he did, not something his mom did. But it was dangerous nonetheless that they were somewhere out there, with a base or a club or something. Maybe they built tents… wait, gems don't need tents. Why would they have tents? 

Steven shook his head. It doesn't matter _ how _they were out there. It only matters that they were. And he had to find them, and… make peace? What would he even do once he'd find them?.. 

Steven glanced over at Spinel, who seemingly fell asleep while he was petting her head. He may not know what he'll do, but he'll have to do _ something _ about them. He couldn't allow for any sort of threat to come after him or Spinel again. 

He saved the galaxy before. He can save two more gems. 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel hated this. It's been several days, according to the clock and calendars. She was sincerely bad at telling time sometimes, but to her benefit the human devices were clear about time passing. 

A hour. He said he would be back soon. How long is soon? Did he really just leave her waiting? Spinel turned on her side, looking at the ticking clock on the bed stand. Hour and 3 minutes. He told her it was okay to part, and that they were still together even when they were apart. 

But she hated it. She hated it! She hated that she would suggest to go somewhere or do anything, and instead of getting to it right away, Steven would go and have some "important" calls up there before they could hang out. And even then, as they would go to the park and have a picnic or go to the swings - he would step aside when his phone rang. His phone with the extension that allowed intergalactic calls. Always checking on other gems whom he assigned to look out for any sort of signs of the alleged War Gems. 

Hour and 5 minutes. Only two minutes? Was she right to get mad? He said he had to do this to protect people and gems, and them. Spinel didn't need protection - she could protect herself. She could protect herself and Steven, even if she had a weapon stuck inside of her body the whole time. Which she hoped wouldn't be a thing, but she knew she would endure a lot and keep him safe. Hour and 5 and a half minutes. 

But… this was important to him. Even if it didn't make sense to Spinel. It was important to Steven. She knew she probably should have supported him, but it just seemed so useless to look out for a threat that consisted of about 5 and a half gems. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a problem… 

She just wished it wouldn't have felt like it pushed her out of his life. Spinel quite literally was a granted, but actually being taken for one felt… awful. She hated it. She hated that she started to _ look for distractions _while Steven would tend to his intergalactic discourses on the topics of whereabouts of a couple of rebels, and the damage that was assumed to be done by them. 

Bismuth has patched up the hole that Spinel had once made on the wall of Steven's room. But now she was edging on making a new one. 

Hour and 8 minutes. Spinel got up from their bed, grabbing the blanket and throwing it over her shoulder pads. It dragged on the floor and stairs as she walked into the upper room of this building, where Steven was having a group call on his device. He even brought a chair there. Spinel clenched her fists at the sight of it. 

Steven, on the chair before the wide holographic screen, with three more windows with different gems open. Yellow Diamond, an Emerald, and some sort of a new Fusion-Free era Rhodonite, who was probably in some sort of command of one of those searching teams… Oh, who cares. Spinel rolled her eyes. 

But Steven. She cares about Steven. She looks lovingly at him. He looks so serious, sitting in this chair with one leg draped over the other, and a hand to his chin, as the gems report to him. Whatever they’re saying. 

A devious plan has already bloomed inside of Spinel’s fragile mind. She stepped closer, not caring that someone was talking. She held two corners of the blanket and quickly enveloped Steven into it with a hug from her side, as she rubbed her head against his face. 

“Stevieee… I miss you… You said only a few minutes, it’s been like a hour!” She outright whined. 

Steven’s face turned red, as he heard an “Awwww”, a “Bwahaha!”, and an “Oh goodness!” come from the three gems he was chatting with. He tried to push Spinel away, but she didn’t budge. 

“Spinel I’m in the middle of having a chat-” 

“You should be in the middle of having a me.” She insisted. 

Yellow and Emerald burst out laughing, while Rhodonite giggled. 

“I’ll call you back!” Steven threw his hands, quickly ending the call. He still had to wrestle with Spinel tied around him to do that, but in the end shut the whole screen down. 

Taking a deep breath, he finally faced the sentient noodle that held him tight now. 

“Spinel, what was that?” 

“What was what now?” She purred against him, “I finally got you to myself…” 

“I was in the middle of a meeting!” 

“Yeah. You can thank me later.” Spinel grabbed him up into her hands. “So, what first? Out or rest home?” 

“None first!” Steven struggled in her hold, breaking free - and falling with his face to the floor.

“Whoopsie daisy. Are you okay?” Spinel knelt down next to him. 

“No, I’m not okay!” Steven sat up, looking angry. 

The pink gem was prepared for it. She kept the look of innocent dumbfoundness on her face. 

“Sorry, I’ll hold you better next time. You kept struggling… You could have just asked if you wanted down.” 

“No, that’s not it. I was in the middle of doing something! That’s the problem.”

“Yeah. That’s was a problem. But luckily, now it’s not.” Spinel sat back, pleased with herself. 

Steven facepalmed. 

“Are you really not getting it? I have to go back to it. This is important.” 

Her eyes shot open as she grimaced, watching the boy get up and make his way back to the chair, walking around her like she was an obstacle. A rubber hand stretched out, making a balloon animal noise as it coiled around his hand. 

“What about me?” 

For a second Steven envisioned throwing her hand away, turning around, and very unkindly telling her to go away. But he thought twice. He looked back at her slowly, with conflicted feelings. She was being selfish… but maybe that only seemed like that from his side? He hasn’t heard her side of it, maybe she felt something he didn’t account for. Right, right. Calmly. With open and healthy communications. Always with open and healthy communications. 

It’s not like Spinel seemed aware of what Steven was feeling about this either. So what sort of fool would he be to get mad before he’d make sure she was seeing how he truly felt about this? 

Steven sighed, walking back to her and sitting down next to her. 

“Let’s talk about this.” 

This, Spinel was not prepared to. It was easier to stay oblivious of her wrong doings when Steven wasn’t trying to talk it out like they were some sort of a healthy couple. Under his soft gaze, she suddenly actually felt bad for what she did so knowingly a minute ago. 

“Sorry.” 

“Spinel?” 

“I missed you. You said it’d be a little while, but, but I counted and it was a hour and… sorry.” 

She grabbed her pigtails, hiding her face into them. 

“I know. I’m sorry. This is my responsibility. The galaxy is never really at peace. I have to do this.” 

“Don’t you ever feel tired?” She looked up at him, sadly. “The boy with the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. Wouldn’t it be easier to… I dunno, at least sometimes take brakes for it. Don’t you think you deserve your happily ever after after all?” 

“You’re the one who taught be better than anyone else that I’ll always have more to do.” 

Instead of knowingly spiraling into another sorry cycle, Spinel just chose to bury her face back into her tugged hair. 

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant - when you came was the one time I thought I could avoid dealing with… the consequences my mom left behind. It- it was before I realized I love you, sorry.” 

Steven reached his hands out, cupping Spinel’s face and making her look at him through her hiding spot. He kept talking. 

“I love you. That’s why I’m doing this. I want you to be safe.” 

Her sad expression turned sour. She heard that before. And she didn’t bite it. 

“I can stand for myself. Show me those War Gems, if they even exist. Bet you I’ll slay them all down in one spontaneous musical number! Maybe even half of it!”

“I’d rather you don’t. They are very real, and more than anything - I just don’t want you to end up dealing with them.” 

She grabbed onto his hands - and threw them off her face. 

“Why does that have to include _ you _not dealing with me at all?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” 

“Maybe… maybe I should find and join those War Gems! Then you’ll pay attention to me again!” 

“No!! You have no idea how dangerous… wait, what? Are you…?” 

Anger on her face softened momentarily as Steven hit the bull’s eyes with his next conclusion. 

“I haven’t been giving you enough attention?” 

She nodded. 

“We haven’t even tended to our Garden...” 

“Our Garden…” Steven put his hands over his mouth, “Have… have you been tending to it? Gosh, when was the last time we were there together?” 

“Too long ago.” 

The boy got visibly nervous. He got used to seeing the Garden as a somewhat representation of their relationship. As their safe haven. It flew out of his head when Spinel left him waiting there, calling the place her own now. She probably related to that too - thinking of the Garden as her love for Steven, and not accepting him back easily as he did an equivalent of going to town down the bushes. And it made sense to Steven that she would require so many efforts, so many punches to the face, and so many promises to know he would be worthy her this time. It was a form of self love after all - knowing her worth. 

...Right. The promises Steven gave. To make her feel loved and cherished each day. Has he been doing much of that lately? 

No. No, he was not. 

Steven scuttled over to her, hugging the gem he now held dearest in his life. 

“Sorry.” 

To his relief, he felt her hug him back. This time without looping her hands around his body - she only looped them around his neck and held her own shoulders again. 

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you. Let’s… let’s have an “us” day.” 

The gem in his hands beamed, “Hehe, that’ll be wonderful! Let’s go, let’s go! We can get to our Garden, maybe not everything has wilted yet-” 

“...Right after I’m done with this.” 

Spinel reeled back with a jolt, staring at him. 

“I beg your pardon?” 

“I need to finish the conference I started. It’ll be fast this time - really. You can sit with me. And then we’ll go and be together.”

“Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us.” 

The offer smelled fishy, but Spinel threw the hook of hopes into the waters of despair, waiting for the fish of success to bite. 

“Alriiight. But you better live up to your words, rabbit boy. I miss youuu...” 

“And we’ll be together again. Could you go fetch the gardening tools while I end this?” 

Spinel nodded. She received a kiss on the forehead, for the extent she was willing to be understanding of Steven’s social needs, with her dependency in account. She took off, gathering gardening and non gardening tools she had found, and went back to the room, waiting for Steven to hear all the reports the now humoured gems had to give, and reply with their next course of actions. 

And she waited patiently, bouncing up and down at the door to the room, with the tools clanking together in her hands. 

And she waited patiently, no longer bouncing, smile faded away. 

And she waited. 

And she waited… 

~ ~ ~ 

"Here in the Garden, let's play a game… I'll show you how it's done…"

"Spinel? Are you singing something?" 

"Oh, yeah, I was just humming an old tune." Spinel replied, digging up a chunk of dirt and planting a seed in there. 

Steven tried to bring the radio with him to the Garden, but he forgot that it needed wavelengths found on Earth to work, and he didn't have any tapes with him. So they filled the air with their own chatter and songs. 

"Steven?"

"Yes?"

She sat up, placing down the shovel. 

"Am I demanding?" 

"No. Not really. What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry. I… don't have the best knowledge of what amount of time is reasonable to ask for. Especially for a human. Do I…" she whispered, "Ask for too much of your time?"

Steven placed his tools down, walking over to where Spinel sat and hugging her from above. 

"No. You have a right for all of my time. And I want to give you all my time. You're right to want the amount that will make you feel loved." 

She held onto his arms. 

"What… what if I want all your time? That's… that's gotta be unreasonably a lot. I don't- I don't want to… annoy you." 

Steven hugged her tighter. 

"You could never! I promise. I love you. You always make me happy, I always have time for you." 

"Is that right?" 

"Of course it's right!" 

"But, but, but what about… your personal space?" 

Steven sat down next to her, not parting. 

"I guess that's a thing about love. I feel that… I want you as a part of my personal space." 

"Don't you want to have secrets from me?" 

"I don't think there's anything you haven't learned about me… hah… hah…"

"But I can't just… be there when you're having a serious meeting, can I?" 

"Well I mean… it might be a bad time to play - during a meeting. But if you could be there with me - I'd love that." 

_ I really fucking don't want to, I just want you to be with me. Cursed be those War Gems or legends of them, I really could not give less fucks. You're supposed to be with me. WITH ME! _

"It'd be okay to be there with you, really really?" 

"Of course. I only worry they might bore you."

"Well, that's what I was made to eliminate - the boredom, loneliness, sadness..." 

"...Again, meetings aren't a place to play games. They are meant to be boring and serious." 

Two cogs clanked and smoked inside of Spinel's head. _ Meant to be boring? _ What a strange and absolutely unnecessary concept. 

"...Ooookay?" 

"It'll be okay. How are you feeling?"

Spinel shifted in his arms, hugging him back. 

"...I feel good. Easier now that we talked about this. Thank you." 

"Good to hear." 

Spinel was almost proud of herself for how well she had learned what Steven wanted to hear from her each time. 

"Don't forget to water the bushes around the statue, Angel."

"I won't. That's due next Thursday, I'll do that."

She watched, as Steven stood up and returned to gardening, making progress on their love even when she didn't exactly agree with his ways of doing it. 

They both sang to fill the dreading silence. 

"Hey you, show me that solvable problem…" 

"Here in the garden…"

"I'll do the…" 

"Play a…" 

"Part with…" 

"Wait here…"

"With you." 

"For you." 

~ ~ ~ 

It took all of her self control not to grab his phone, throw it to the ground and crash it with her foot sometimes. 

It’s not like she jumped to those rage issues right away. She talked about it, continuously telling him how much she felt rejected, in an attention deficit from the only person who’s attention she needed. She dropped hints - she dropped herself into his arms at any moment. One of those line crossing times was the one time Steven got up in the middle of the night, letting go of the gem he was cuddling, just to go up and pick some stupid call about some new stupid revealed facts about those stupid War Gems… stupid! Spinel felt as cold as never before when that happened. Even if she didn't need warmth per se - sudden lack of it hit hard. 

Did she take him for granted? Did she suspect this would one day happen? Was it just like that one time with their first dating day? Should she have thrown a tantrum? 

One day she couldn't take it. One day she sat in front of Steven on the couch. One day she crawled over to him, hugging him and asking to be together. One day she willingly agreed that she'll talk about her feelings, if it only meant that Steven would listen. And the boy nodded and asked what was she feeling. 

And then his phone rang. 

"Oh, uhm, Spinel, is this urgent?"

"What?"

"I mean, are you feeling bad?"

"No, I… I was going to tell you how happy I am with you…"

"That's great! I'll be right back and we'll talk about it." 

Steven stepped aside, picking the intergalactic line and asking if there were updates. 

When he was done talking, he looked back at the couch, but Spinel was no longer there. And he probably would have worried - had his phone not rang again. 

It’s not like she went far. She was just upstairs, planning to make him apologise and make it up to her later. But then the futility of ignoring him sunk in to her. 

_ He’ll probably only be glad to have more time without me around. Get used to it… _

Spinel walked back down and sat on the couch, her hands on her knees, while Steven kept chatting. 

“Wait, so, does she claims she saw them, or was she just caught saying she’d join them? No, I mean, if it’s the latter - she could be just messing around with us… We might just end up losing time here...” 

Losing time? What about their time together? 

Spinel raised her hand - it was shaking. She reached out for the boy who had his back on her, calling out in a whisper, or maybe not calling out at all. It was hard to tell if she made a sound. She eyed darkness threatening at the corner of her eyes. Scenery was getting dark, Steven’s voice and frame was fading from her. 

She stood up. Her hands sprung together, in a tight hold as she looked down, _ waiting. _

No, no, no, not now, not like this… Steven… couldn’t see her like this! Spinel clenched her jaw, raising a trembling hand up - _ this was for the better, he can’t see me like this, this is for the better… _

She bit into her own arm. 

The jolt of pain sent shivers down her spine. The darkness faded momentarily, and the boy became clear before her again. It was the worst idea of her repertoire - but it worked. For now. 

Spinel held her bitten hand with the other, covering it. The boy seemed to finish his talk, as he looked back at her. 

“Spinel?” 

“Ah? Sorry, I didn’t mean to-” 

“No, you did nothing wrong.” Said the boy who didn’t see what she just did, “But I need to go and have another call with them. They found a gem that claims to have some information about their whereabouts, but it’s uncertain. I need to see her for myself." 

"Of course…" 

And he never finds out. And he never notices. It turmoils and eats Spinel from inside, the guilt, the hopelessness that brought her to this measure of coping. And the disgusting feeling that it's only her who feels this way. She misses him. 

He's right there, in the dark of the night, with his hands around her. Like she is his favourite childhood toy - he sleeps with her in his arms. She sneaks her bitten hand in front of his lips for a kiss. He never even noticed. And he'll wake up tomorrow, just another day to save the galaxy ahead. And he'll kiss her in the morning, then go, and leave her waiting. Fighting herself over whether she should have given him more space, or demand her own comfort. 

But it was different that morning. She woke up alone at all. Spinel didn't know how much more she could take of this. 

So Spinel woke up alone. She checked her hands - no bites yet. Good. So less worries to hide anything today. Although her teeth were starting to itch for it already. Where did Steven even go, did he not know how important waking up together was to her? 

It was foggy outside. And suddenly… the world felt grey. 

~ ~ ~ 

Sleepily, Steven reached for the pack of Cereal before him. The next moment he somewhat registered something grey startling him, as he fell back from the tall kitchen chair. 

The curious creature - oh, just a human, seemingly - leaned over the counter. They had grey hair that shined with blue shades at times, deep blue eyes, a visible golden ring in their ear, and a… drawn picture of a butterfly drawn (tattooed?) over their right eye. The looked down at the boy, asking if he was alright, and probably apologizing for startling him. 

Steven was only slightly more concerned as to what was this person doing in his house now. Man, he really needed to find himself and his Spinel some more privacy around here. 

"Can I help you?" The boy said, standing up. 

"Are you the magical half alien boy?" Asked the unfamiliar human. 

"Steven! Marilyn!" A familiar voice called the two over. When the memories of the owner of said voice swam up from depths of Steven's repressed memories - he grimaced. 

"Connie…" 

"Steven." 

Connie stepped closer, having two gazes directed at her. The sweet and loving look of her girlfriend, and a displeased look of her former friend. 

"What are you doing here?"

Connie needed to take a glance at Marilyn, and see that undying support in her confident eyes, before she spoke back. 

"I wanted to talk." 

Steven rubbed his face from the top to the bottom, with a sigh. 

_ Why am I like this, why am I like this… _

"What is it, Connie?" 

He resumed cooking cereal whole she gathered her words. Kind of forgetting Marilyn was also there. 

"I want to make up for what I did." 

Steven didn't reply. 

"I know how much trouble I caused to you two. But, uhm, hey. You two are together happily now, aren't you?" 

Steven raised an eyebrow. Somewhere behind the scenery, unseen, another gem grimaced at her words. Back from the Garden, and into the scene. 

"Right. You two made it through… whatever I caused before, yeah? So I thought… since I didn't do any long term damage - maybe you and I could…" she gulped down, "give our friendship another chance?"

Connie held her hands down, awaiting with worry in her soul. Seeing that, Marilyn hopped over the counter, and came closer, holding her hand in support. 

Behind the two, Spinel… stared in despair. Those two were a loving couple. Those two were together, thinking for each other, looking out for one another. And what did she have with Steven at this point? 

Steven poured some milk into his cereal with unnecessarily serious face about it. 

"Have you considered that maybe I don't want to be friends anymore?" 

It was unclear with Connie, but Spinel certainly was starting to consider. Here it comes, the cycle, the pain. The attention deficit. The despair of her hopes for his love as much as she wanted - _ needed _ it. 

It's like she was back. Back at the very square one. Maybe everything up to this point was a fever dream anyways?

"Alright. Look, Connie…"

Maybe it was always a lie? Security, feeling of home, of being found? 

"I've got my opinion on your actions…"

Of course. It was a lie. Lie from day one. Lie, lie, lie. She was trapped in the world of lies. 

"But I won't be the judge of you. I'm biased." 

And she only knew one way out of it. 

Steven didn't even noticed when she walked up the stairs, he just kept talking. 

"I will forgive you and be your friend again - if you can do one thing." 

"Yes?" Connie held her hands together, happily. 

"Befriend Spinel." 

Her smile momentarily turned upside down. Steven didn't approve of that. 

"Issues with her?" 

"Issues with her? Yes! I mean, no. Befriending her is like climbing mount Everest in summer shorts!" 

Steven stood up with the bowl in his hands, and two spoons in it. 

"Then I guess we won't be friends anymore. Don't get me wrong, Connie." He stepped closer to her, "I don't care about you anymore." He passed by, walking up the stairs. 

Connie followed him up, astonished and shocked, while Marilyn decided to step outside for a brief look around the house. 

"But if Spinel finds a reason to care about you - I will see you as her friend to me." 

"Don't you think this is kind of… unfair?"

"Why? I think it'll be _ a piece of cake _for you." He glared back at her with an unamused look. 

Here they were, in his room. 

"Spinel?" 

Spinel wasn't in his bed. How weird. 

"Spinel, come on, where are you? I got you breakfast to bed!" Steven raised the bowl up, searching around. Then he noticed that the door to the balcony was open. Ah, of course. Decided to take a breath of fresh air early in the morning. Of course. How healthy of her. Steven and Connie walked towards the edge of his room, and found Spinel standing on the very edge of the wooden planks. Somehow that alarmed Steven, waking up the memories from the past he didn't want to wake up. 

"Spinel?"

The gem didn't seem to notice that the humans came closer to her. 

"Love the view, yeah? I love it too. We should meet a sunrise here someday."

_ We won't. Or maybe we'll start to, and you'll have another urgent call… but you won't see me caring by then. _

Spinel glanced down, at the bottom of the house. This time Connie felt uneasy, remembering her last confrontation with Spinel on the stairs. But this time Steven was here, so she didn't have to fear Spinel going after her, right? 

Right? 

"I brought us breakfast. We can still have a breakfast in bed if you hurry back up." Steven shook the bowl a little. Without her responses, he was growing more and more alarmed at her. "Oh, uhm, hey look. That little blue dot down there is Marilyn. She's… Connie's friend, I guess?" 

Steven glanced at the human girl. 

"Spinel, she's here to tell you that she's sorry. And she wants to be friends with you." He smiled gently. "Maybe you two could try to hang out…" 

The rest of whatever he said faded out. 

"So. That's how it is, isn't it?"

"Spinel?"

The fuchsia gem finally looked at him. 

"Toyed with me, got bored, and decided to pass on to the next playmate, hah?"

_ Oh no. _

"Spinel, whatever you're thinking now is not true! Don't spiral - stay here with me, we can talk about this. You know you will only regret whatever your anger makes you want to do now!"

"Really? Well I don't think I will! Do you know why? Do you wanna know why? Do you really really really wanna know why?" She smiled at him. He recognized that twisted smile from before.

From when she was on the fence.

"I _ don't care. _ I don't have to care about _ anything _if that's how it's going to be. I didn't stay for the world, I didn't stay for the diamonds, I didn't stay for Connie or for Marine or for whomever else. And I didn't stay for myself." She took a step towards him, pressing her finger against his chest, where his heart was. 

"I stayed _ for you. _"

He got what she meant, but he wished he was wrong. 

"What's gotten into you? What did I do wrong?" He whispered with concern. 

Spinel laughed. Laughed and laughed, slowly reached for the back of her head - grabbing onto her hair and tugging it. 

"You really think _ everything _ in this relationship has to be only about _ you, _ don't you?" 

"I think I should go." Said the girl.

Connie stepped back. It was hard to describe what she felt about this. Felt that she was right? Perhaps. But as Steven wished - this was his problem to deal with now.

"Wait, Connie, don't leave. I might need help."

_ Might need help? _ ** _Might need help?!_ **

"Oh ho ho, nooo, Steven. Connie said she was leaving-" 

Spinel quickly reached her hands towards the girl, getting a hold of her hair and collar of her shirt.

"_ So let her go, will you? _"

She reeled her hands back, grabbing Connie into this weird threatening hold of a balloon animal - and stepped off the edge with her. 

Steven stopped breathing. 

He dropped the bowl. 

He jumped after them. 

He got a hold on Spinel, causing her to lose her grip on Connie. 

And he missed to catch Connie by an inch. 

Back on the beach, Marilyn saw them. 

She ran towards her falling love. She jumped up, catching Connie before she hit the sand, lessening the impact. Keeping her safe. 

Steven landed next to the two, setting Spinel down, still in his shock state. 

And then he remembered how to breath again. 

"Spinel, what the fuck?" 

Spinel shook his hand off. She stormed off. 

"Don't just walk away! Spinel, what was that? You just tried to kill-"

"I wasn't going to let her die! Why do you think I jumped with her!" She turned around, screaming back. "I would have landed us safely!"

"Wait, really? Wait, but- why'd you do that?!" 

"I was just trying to _ leave _!"

"Leave? Spinel. Please just stand in place for one minute!" 

"_ Fuck no! _"

"_ Spinel! _"

"Oh ho ho, I see those diamonds shining through. Come on, your clarity. Order me. _ I dare you. _"

She meant it. Not because she would have tried to destroy the Earth for it. Because it would make feel her needed by him. How pathetic. How embarrassing. 

How broken. 

Steven held onto his mouth. Willing himself to understand that more screaming was not going to make this any better now. 

"Where are you going? Why are you leaving? Spinel, what's going on?"

"I'm going to join the War Gems."

Steven jolted. He knew all too well that Spinel did not even believe in their existence. 

"What?!"

"Yeah. Maybe _ then _you'll pay attention to me!"

"I've been giving you attention. What's wrong, wasn't it enough?" 

"_ Wasn't it enough? _"

Spinel walked back towards him, pointing at him as if she was shaming him. Her tears were spilling. 

"They _wilted_!" 

"???"

"The bushes around the statue wilted. I saw them this morning. When I woke up alone."

"Sorry, I thought I'd be fast enough, I just wanted to bring you breakfast to bed… wait, what wilted?"

Spinel rubbed her eye, "The bushes you promised to water wilted this morning." 

"How- how did that happen? I'm sorry, I knew I would water them on Thursday, and…" 

"Today's weekend." 

Steven grabbed onto his head, trying to ground himself back into reality that he felt slipping away from him right now.

"I'm… sorry? I thought today was…" 

Spinel fell to her knees before him, sobbing. 

"You've been like this for _ weeks. _ Leaving me waiting and leaving me hanging while you dealt with -hic- with…" 

"Left you hanging?" The boy sat down next to her. 

"I was… going to learn to open up more… I wanted to push myself… but when I finally did - _ you didn't even notice. _"

"I'm so sorry."

"Me too." 

"Why? This was my fault." 

"But I could have tried to fix this better." 

"I'm sorry I… Gosh, I really did get carried away with this. I swear, I just wanted to protect you… and ended up endangering you even more. I'm sorry. But- but it'll be different now, I promise, I- starting from today, I'll-"

"Don't bother." 

Spinel stood up, walking off. 

She heard some uncertain sound come from Steven behind her. Just one glance back - he looked just like he did when she left him waiting in their Garden. Like a kicked puppy. Innocent, adorable little puppy… Puppy who ripped her heart out twice now. 

Spinel kept walking away. 

"I just can't talk to you right now." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bushes wilted- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.  
We're back in the angst bandwagon.  
I feel like saying - for this tale I do not intend for the bad to outweight the good. This angst ride will lead us back to more, much more fluff. Eventually.  
Just hold on tight. 
> 
> Do you trust me?


	18. The Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst train, wagon #2.  
Spinel, Steven, Garnet, and Amethyst have several regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have something important for all of you.  
https://monsterritory.tumblr.com/post/188821067874/
> 
> Also hey with this chapter we hit the 100k mark! Woohoo!

“You know, after everything, I’d love for all of this to be none of my business… but you are a friend I care about, so… Steven? Is everything okay?” 

By now Connie had dusted herself of all the sand, and confirmed to Marilyn that she was fine. It didn’t stop the grey haired girl from being all over the place with worry. Marilyn only felt a little bit guilty that her curiosity to see the promised magic stuff had indirectly led to her girlfriend being in trouble. 

Steven got up. He wasn’t sure what to do or what to answer to the given question. Spinel didn’t say she didn’t want to be together anymore, right? Right… She just needed some space. 

Spinel needed space. That was some sort of an oxymoronic sentence. But then again, no more surprising than Spinel was. A ticking bomb, Steven thought of her some days. A disaster waiting to set off, over something tiny or something scary, or something he didn’t notice for weeks. An unstable gem. And at times, she was just so difficult to deal with, to reason with, to calm down, to talk to… 

But did that make the boy love her any less? No. It did not. Not in the slightest. He wondered if he was a masochist for what he was feeling. But ever since their first break up - Steven found himself thinking that he’d get hit in the face by her boot many times, if only it meant having her back eventually. 

And any time spent apart only proved further that he needed her. 

How weird. He spent so much time this week away from her, but only worried about it when it was her who left him behind. 

Love’s a weird thing. 

Possibly, the reason was that he was not sure  _ if _ he would-  _ how soon  _ he would see her again. Because knowing that she was there for him, in the background was one thing. But her leaving was different. And this also meant that he’d have to make it up to her eventually. 

Connie touched his shoulder. 

“Steven?” 

“Ah? Oh, sorry. Uhm, yeah, this is fine. I mean, it’s not. But it will be. That’s just… the usual Spinel.” 

The usual broken Spinel. The attention starved Spinel. Starved… 

Steven didn’t think that Spinel was wrong to want more attention than a human datemate (that wouldn’t lack the need to sleep and recharge, and wouldn’t basically be programmed to be his friend, and most importantly wouldn’t be traumatized like she was) would want. First of all, she was that sort of person. Second of all, she was hurt. It wasn’t her excuse - it was her explanation. She spent enough time alone, and felt left behind enough... 

Meanwhile, outside of Steven’s mind, Connie accepted that he seemed a little stuck with his own thoughts now, so she held Marilyn’s hand and the two pals slowly walked away. 

“Is he always like that?”

“Only lately. Well, heh, I wouldn’t really happen to know what he’s like lately. And he changed a lot during last two years…” Connie bit her lip, “Do you think he was serious? Think I should do what he said? Try to befriend Spinel so that Steven can be my friend again?” 

“Haha, it’s still so weird that their names are just… their gems. Sorry, wait, so how hard did you say it could be?” 

“Uhh. Like invading... Antarctica in winter.” 

“Hmm…” Marine put her hands together, thinking, “I mean… what do you know about her? Whatever she is - she can’t be a hopeless case, right? She just seemed really troubled from what we just saw. But I don't wanna assume till I hear more about her.” 

“Troubled? More like bratty.” 

“Bratty?”

“Yeah, it’s like she always wants all of Steven’s attention. Constantly. Just… really constantly.”

“Well, I mean, is he okay with it?” 

“I don’t know… it could also be her thing because she waited in the Garden.” 

“Waited in the Garden?” 

Connie took a deep sigh, “It’s a long story. Basically she was a jester, but her, uh, previous owner told her to wait and stand still and then left her. And then one day she found out that they were never going to go back for her.” 

“Jee, that’s rough, buddy. For how long did she wait?” 

“I think 6000 years or something.” 

Marine stopped in her track, coughing. She shook her head, blinking twice at Connie.

“Wuh, I’m sorray- whaaa?” 

“Yeah. I mean I guess it’s nothing for a gem, they’re kinda immortal, but it also seems to mean a lot to her that she was betrayed like that.” 

“Girl she  _ is  _ troubled then. That ain’t brattiness, that’s… gosh, that’s a relapse.” 

“Mhhh…” Connie covered her face, “I just worry that Steven has to put up with this all the time.” 

She felt her friend come closer to her and hug her from behind, placing her head on her shoulder. 

“Heya?” 

“Yes?”

“Would ya hate me if I relapsed?” 

“Of course not!” 

“Then why do you hate her for it?” 

“That’s different, you’re not the same. For one, she’s not my girlfriend, you know? And for two… Her relapses - I’ve seen a few - are just so… unpretty.” 

Marine turned Connie to face her, placing her hands on her shoulders.

“And who’s trauma pretty?” 

Connie didn’t have a reply. 

~ ~ ~ 

"I've seen that look on your face before." 

Pearl and Amethyst sat on the couch, with a boy who was covering his face in between them. Somewhere nearby the counters Jasper looked for cups and coffee, fulfilling a request made by one of the gems to her. She listened, while the other three talked. 

"I kinda screwed up." 

"With the War Gems?"

Steven rubbed his face, exhausted at the two words. Jasper didn't blink an eye, pouring the water into the teapot. 

"No… if only… that'd be easier. I messed up with Spinel again." 

"Well that sounds easy to do."

"Amethyst!"

Steven sighed, "It's true though. Spinel is simultaneously capable of taking down an army, but when she's open with me - she can be so vulnerable and fragile to words and gestures." The boy leaned back into the couch. "Why am I so bad at remembering this. That's what I'm so proud of knowing…" 

Amethyst leaned over, looking at him, "Steve? What exactly do you feel about her?"

"Ughhh, not you too… I love her, can you people just get it already." 

"Well, ya did just say she's a lot to handle." 

"Yeah. She's  _ mine  _ a lot to handle…" Steven made a pained sound, while Pearl gave an uncertain concerned look, "Well… supposed to be with me. I'm supposed to treat her better." 

"Steven, I think it is fair to say she is not easy to "treat right". Don't get me wrong, but… if you ever reconsidered if this is worth it at all… we won't judge." 

Steven stood up, looking back at the two sitting gems with raising anger. 

"I'm not going to give up on her! No matter what she does. She loves me just as much as I love her. We're supposed to work through things like this together. Love isn't always only about being happy together! It's about going through the hard times and facing the truth together!" 

_ So that's where she got it from  _ Thought Jasper. 

Someone behind Steven clapped proudly. He looked back and saw Garnet smiling down at him. 

"I'm proud of you." 

"Ah. At least you get it." 

"I got it even before I knew you again." She smiled, knowingly. Her smile went down, and with her visors on, no one could tell that she glanced over at Jasper. 

"Steven? Are you going to go looking for her to talk this out?"

"I will. But I think she needs some more time before I can face her." 

Jasper finished making the coffee, carrying it over for Pearl. 

"Are you sure about that?" 

"Do you… see anything in the future about it?"

"...No." Garnet looked up at Jasper. 

"I think it's right to give her some more space." 

Amethyst snorted. "Bwahaha, "alone time for Spinel". All she ever wants is to be with you, and you're here like - jee guess I'll give her more alone time." 

"If I try to face her too early - she might knock me over a cliff."

"Is that a problem?"

"Well. No. It just might not be the best time. I think she's still very mad right now."

Jasper listened to it all with her eyes wide open. 

Garnet clenched her right hand. The Sapphire gem. "Steven? What does your heart tells you?"

The boy fell silent for a minute. 

"...It tells me that I want to be with her. But… but logically, it's too early…" 

The big orange gem interrupted him, "I, uh, will go out for a walk. Be back soon."

Jasper headed towards the door, when Amethyst jumped down to follow her. 

"Uh, just me, squirt. All this lovey talk made me wanna take a walk and think about… stuff." 

"Oh. I thought I can… talk with you about it. I mean, I've been around Garnet for a good while now, I've picked up some cheesy stuff."

Amethyst pointed behind herself with a smug smile. Behind her, Garnet was looking a little tense. 

"Yeah, nah, thanks  _ sis, _ I need some of my own space." 

"Oh… okay…" 

Jasper exited the house, while Amethyst made her way over to the couch, looking a little deflated. 

Garnet closed her face, trying not to think about the things she was allowing to happen. She knew everyone would end up safe, so was it fair of her to let it happen? The question tormented her for a while now. 

“Garnet? Is everything alright?” The gems started growing worried. She didn’t usually portray so much concern. 

Garnet glanced into the future. 

_ “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I won’t do this again, please don’t hurt me! Please don’t touch me! I’m sorry…” _

She threw her hands down. 

“Steven. You need to go and find Spinel first.” 

Everyone in the room gasped. 

“First? What do you mean first? Who else is looking for her?” 

Garnet took her visors off.

“The War Gems.” 

~ ~ ~ 

On the hill that loomed over the house, a pink little gem sat on the safety fence, her legs tangled around the bars to keep her from falling. 

Escaping life was no longer an option. It dulled out as Spinel collected her minds. Sure, the despair of waiting for Steven to spend time with her was getting to her. But there was this tiny little spark of hope inside of her gem, that filled her with will power, even if it was so shallow. 

Of course she hoped. Hoped to be with Steven. Hoped to be good - to get better for him. Hoped to have him all to herself… And maybe, without admitting it to herself, hoped that he would fix what was damaged about her. 

Not that she thought she wasn’t whole and good on her own. But if the boy could ever bring her into the world where she could learn to trust again… oh that seemed so sweet to think about. To not be afraid of everyone around her secretly hating her or wanting her gone already. To not be afraid to mess up once and lose people forever. To not try and avoid everyone but Steven anytime she encountered them. 

A life where she felt free and safe to be herself seemed oh so perfect… almost too perfect to be true. Almost too good. All too good… All too good for a broken little toy like her. 

Spinel jumped back on the hill, looking out at the setting sun. And looking down at the blurred line where the waves hit the shore in a slow and calming rhythm. The birds flew over the hill, setting off into the known direction and unknown worlds, for the adventures that awaited the flock that would stick together through them all. The distant sounds of the living city filled the air. Car horns and people talking, living, trusting and loving. The warmth of their hearts. The love in their eyes. The breath of life in every single living being around. 

Spinel took a deep breath, counted to three, and slowly let it out. Maybe, just maybe, one day there will be a place for her in all of this beautiful parade of life?.. 

Someone approached from behind and Spinel tensed up, momentarily remembering that she could never let herself feel secure for too long. And a single minute was way too long. 

“Hey, you… uh, Spinel?” 

The pink gem glanced back with annoyance on her face. 

“Sigh. Hello Jasper.” 

“I heard what happened.” 

Heard what happened? “Jee, do the local news spread fast here?” 

“Nah, I just overheard Steven talk about you.” 

Spinel looked up at her, expectantly. 

“Yeah, how he said you were… well from what ah got you two aren’t together right now?” 

Her gem almost dropped at the way that was phrased. 

“We are very much together.” 

“Still?” Jasper tsked, “Girl, I thought you’d have some more… dignity to you.” 

_ What the fuck is a “dignity”?  _

“What do you mean?” 

Jasper put her hands behind her back, circling around Spinel. The elastic gem turned around, not letting her back turn on the orange gem, despite her legs staying in place. 

“I mean he pretty much grew bored of you, and tossed you aside, and you’re here like… waiting for him to come back and toy with ya some more.” 

Spinel puffer her cheeks, “That’s not true. Steven loves me. He’s just been… busy hunting those gems that don’t even exist.” 

_ Is that so?  _ Jasper snorted. 

“What if he… knows that they don’t exist?”

“Oh, please, what are you even saying.” 

“Nah, hear me out… what if he made all of this up to give ya an indirect hint that… he doesn’t want you around anymore?” 

“You’re out of your mind.” The pot called the kettle, “He’s been doing this to protect me. As if I can’t fight for myself…” 

Spinel looked down, momentarily, finding a small plot hole in his plan at that. 

Jasper smiled,  _ There it is. You doubt, don’t you?  _

“Yeah. Doesn’t he knows you can stand for yourself? So weird that he would try and claim to protect you… and then don’t even be around you for weeks.” 

Spinel kept looking down, slowly raising her hands over her gem, They trembled.  _ No, no…  _

_ Yes, yes…  _

“He’s been toyin’ with ya, playtoy. And now that he’s had enough… He needs to get rid of you.” 

Spinel shook visibly. Toyed? No, no, he stood up for her to whom he thought was Pink Diamond herself - he stood up for her in front of everyone. He loved her, he must have, must have… 

...Wait a minute. 

_ Playtoy? _

“But you don’t hav’ta be alone, sweet fury.” Jasper jolted towards Spinel - only to get on one knee before her. “Sweet lips, I will treat you so much better. He never deserved you in the first place.” 

Spinel jumped a foot back from her. 

“This time I will appreciate you for  _ all  _ of your facets…” Jasper tried to pull an innocent smile, but it was still painted over with the evil spark in her eyes. She held her hands open for a hug. 

“This time…” Spinel uttered after her. Then she frowned, her shoulders raised up as well as her fists. “Just for how long did you have your memories back by now?”

“Long enough.” Jasper growled, “Come on, you know you want this. You know you want what I have to give.”

“I don’t need anything from you, even if I knew what are you talking about.” 

“Everything that you want!” She stood up. “I know what you’re like now. More than your fury, yes. I know you’re lonely. Spinel,  _ fuse with me!  _ And we’ll forever be inseparable. You’ll never be alone again!”

Spinel took another step back, raising her arms. 

“Oh ho ho, you are so mistaken if you think I will let you continue to exist and be a threat to Steven.” She prepared to spring at Jasper. “Maybe this time I won’t give them your gem back when they’ll ask where I put you after I poof you.”

Jasper smiled, remembering all that she had learned about Spinel from the gem who called her a “big sister”. She got down on both her knees, opening her arms.

“If that’s what you have to do…” She bowed her head, “It’s just too sad I’ll never get to tell ya what Steven said about ya…” 

Spinel was taken aback by the display of submission, but quickly registered that this was not a person to accept it from, “I don’t need you to lie to me about what he said. I can just go and ask him at any time.” 

“Then why don’t’cha?” Jasper smirked, hearing the other gems approach. 

“Spinel!” Steven called out, followed by the three crystal gems soon after. “There you are! I’m so sorry.” 

“Sorry, aren’t’cha?” Jasper raised her head. “You’re already here? Weren’t ya going to leave your playtoy hanging for a few more days before coming for her? For yer safety?”

Spinel and Steven glanced at each other in confusion, but the scarred gem’s face had a special tint of doubt to it. 

“Steven?” 

“That’s not true! I wasn’t going to wait for days! Well, hours, maybe.” 

Something went wrong. It became very clear that something just went very wrong, as Jasper stood tall and approached Spinel from behind, and the little gem with a shock on her face didn’t even bother to move away. 

“...What?” 

“I mean - if I went looking for you now - you probably wouldn’t want to hear me out, maybe try to hurt me or… tell me to go. Am I wrong for accounting for it?” 

“You… you…” Spinel’s eyes darted around, “You really thought you wouldn’t find the right words to calm me down? As you always do? Did- did you...”

Spinel didn’t even register it when Jasper’s hand landed on her shoulder. 

“Did you give up on me?” 

“No! Spinel, I-”

“Look at him go, make excuses for himself. He planned it all along!” 

Amethyst stepped to the front row. 

“Hey, sis… why are you saying things like that?” 

Jasper ignored her, not even meeting her gaze, as she lowered her head towards Spinel. 

“Don’t you see how tensed they are? Clearly they came here to fight… to fight you, and bubble you away and never have to deal with you again…” 

Spinel still seemed unsure in what she was hearing. Then her impression became more confident. She understood it all. She made a decision. She reached her hand and slapped… 

Slapped Jasper’s hand away from her, jumping back towards Steven and the Crystal Gems, and facing the only enemy gem there was - Jasper herself.

“I’m not falling for this. I know the truth - and it’s that Steven loves me! Whatever he’s been doing - he’s been doing it for me. I’m not giving up to the dark thoughts like you - I face the truth!” 

Someone clapped. Garnet clapped her hands softly, filled with pride for Spinel. Amethyst and Pearl gave her soft looks of approval that she never saw, and Steven smiled with his love for her on his sleeve. 

He stepped closer to her - just to get punched back in the next moment, into the arms of Crystal Gem, while the orange gem who punched him yanked Spinel’s hair. 

The pink gem looked mortified. 

“Too bad. Too bad you thought that I was going to give you a choice anyways. I know you just need someone to force you into this. And I will be that someone!” 

Before Spinel could react - Jasper grabbed her by the shoulders, making her own gem and form shine up, and to everyone’s shock, and to everyone’s dismay, and to Steven’s pained “No!!” - forced the smaller gem into a fusion. 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel opened her eyes in what looked like a rocky valley. The walls felt uncertain, but she felt them there. She felt locked, restrained. Again. It was dark, she was shaking… shaking… trying to shake. Not able to. 

The dirt beneath her feet opened up, as the vines that felt like snakes crawled out and bit into her limbs, bringing her down to her knees and hissing as she stayed there. She struggled, but they held her in place. This was awful. This was nothing like Pink Calcite. This was nothing like Rubellite. This was… 

"Black Tourmaline." 

Spinel looked up, at the Jasper that paced around, before she approached her. 

"Heh, I thought you'd be better at this, playtoy. Oh well. Just stay quiet back here. We're going to play a game with Steven now…" 

~ ~ ~ 

The four horned monster opened her four eyes. Upper eyes were wide and evil, while the lower set was smaller and sadder, looking hurt and terrified. The fusion had two mouths, one above the other, and four hairy looking horns sticking out of her head. Her hair was shoulders length now, although the concept of shoulders was very vague in her form. She had three hands that differed in length and shape, and four monstrous legs that stuck out of the lower body like spider legs. The fusion was peachy with dark lines across her body. 

The upper mouth smiled wide, revealing rows of uneven sharp teeth, and a tongue split like a snake's one. The smaller mouth looked like it was forced shut, lower lip quivering. There were tears at the corners of the smaller eyes.

"There we go!" Screamed the fusion, "Black Tourmaline, what else would we be? Sounds much better than a Pink Calcite to me!" 

Steven watched from where the gems held him back, terrified. He was crying. Crying his eyes out, and crying out for Spinel, reaching his hand towards the monstrous fusion of fear and wretchedness. Amethyst held onto him the strongest, crying for the sister she thought she had finally found, and lost again. 

And then he got a grip. He pushed the gems aside, summoning his shield and coming forward. He heard the other three summon their weapons. 

"Stay back. I need to deal with this myself. I know I can. This is Spinel. She's…" he uttered the last part for himself, "She's the open book I've read through and through." 

Pearl called out for him to reconsider. 

"Pearl, Spinel is in there, hoping that I know I can find the right words to save her. And I won't let her hopes down." 

Garnet nodded at the boy and at the gems. Steven nodded back, coming closer toward the fusion..

"Spinel! I know you can hear me." He had to speak louder to speak over the wicked laughter of the fusion. This was reminding him of a very traumatic event of his life. But Steven was older now. Stronger. He was prepared to face it. He was prepared to fix what he once could not. 

"My my, you're even tinier now than you were." Jasper's side laughed. The new fusion was as tall as Malachite was. "Just whom we needed, falling right into our claws. Do you know who we are?"

"Black Tourmaline?" 

"No, you goof!" The fusion growled, then one of the hands covered the upper mouth. 

~ 

Jasper covered her mouth, suddenly blushing from the silliness of the word that left her lips. 

~ 

“Not that “us”, you idiot! We represent the enemy that lurked right below the nose of the all powerful and praised little diamond for months!” It smiled, “We come from the War Gems! And we’re here to bring you down, Steven Universe!”

And then it jolted, the smaller mouth gasped out, 

“No!”

~ 

Spinel covered her mouth in fear, gasping out a “no”, but the vines quickly snapped her hands back down. 

~ 

Steven said nothing. He knew that saying that he was right would have been the worst decision he could have made now. He reached out instead, calling for the love of his life. 

“Spinel! I’m here, you’ll be fine! I promise! I’m so sorry for all the times I couldn’t be there for you! You were right, I should have listened to you!” 

Black Tourmaline slammed a fist on the ground. 

“O’course! Now that someone else grabbed your toy to play - you suddenly wan’ it back!” 

“Stop it! Spinel isn’t a toy! She’s a gem of her own, and more importantly - my gemfriend!” 

“Oh, re-e-e-ally?” 

The beast of a fusion loomed over the boy, setting three hands just around him. Lifting his hands up, ready to summon his bubble around himself at a given need, Steven spoke on.

“Spinel, I know you’re in there. I know you can fight her. You’ve fought her before, and you won! I believe in you!” 

~ 

Jasper laughed louder. 

~ 

Black Tourmaline laughed louder. 

“How pathetic. What good have you two been for each other? Steven Universe, took guilty pleasure in using a little Spinel to boost his ego. Built his hopes of “fixing her” on “making her bett-ah”. And look where you have gotten…” The fusion pointed a single hand at an empty spot, “Nowhere!”

“That’s not true, none of it! I’ve been helping Spinel because I love her and want her to be happy. It has nothing to do with my ego-” 

“Or does it?!” She cut him off, “Look at how sad and hopeless you have became when you failed to understand her once. Decided to make her wait for hours before dealing with her emotional instability again!” 

Steven stomped his foot at the monster that loomed high above him in frustration. He was getting real tired of this. 

“For the last time, that’s none of anyone’s business!” 

“Aww- Hahaha! Ashamed of using her?” 

“What?!” That caught Steven off guard. 

“Always using the little toy as you please. Made her talk about her feelings - proud of ya’self. Saw her talk to another gem for once - got your ego licked. Don’t even get me started…” Black Tourmaline leaned down lower, her twisted face taking up whole Steven’s view, as she whispered, “On the time you used her to get off.”

Steven blushed, recoiling, “I did  _ not! _ ” 

The monster threw her head back up, bursting into a ridiculous laughter for her ominous being. 

“Oh little Stevie-wevie. You have no right to judge me - us - this very fusion before her eyes. Me and Spinel are no better for each other than you two are!” 

The boy facepalmed, waving his other hand back at the gems whom he could just feel stand there eagerly to jump into the battle. 

“I don’t even want to know.” He said, looking up. 

“Don’t want to face, more like it. You already know it all about her.” 

Steven clenched his hands. 

“If you say she's dependant,  _ I swear- _ ”

“Dependency is her lesser problem. Obsessiveness is.” 

Suddenly, the fusion recoiled back, falling to the side as it seemingly pushed itself back, then landed her own hand at her face with a punch. 

~ 

“Don’t you  _ dare! _ ” Spinel jumped, hitting Jasper on the face. 

The bigger gem grabbed her hand, spinning Spinel around and pinning her down with her gem to the floor of their fusionscape, as she stepped over her with one foot. Jasper took a hold of her pigtails into one of her hands, and lifted her face by the chin with the other. Spinel growled through her tears. 

~ 

The fusion stood back up, fixing her crooked head back in place it was punched out of.

“Would ya look at that. Least the little doll knows she’s got secrets to keep from ya. Very shameful secrets…” 

“Then… I don’t want to know them!” Steven replied, coming closer. “Spinel, don’t worry! I know you’re fighting her! You can do this! Please, just don’t lose hope! You can win! I know you can!”

The fusion rolled the upper eyes, while the lower ones were fixated on Steven, with guilt and fear in them. 

“Why don’t’cha tell him? Leaving all the fun parts to me, eh Spinel? Alright, where do we begin…” 

The monster carefully circled Steven around, trying to stand between him and the gems. She chose the worst way to destroy Steven - mentally. Amethyst took a step towards the monster, one component of whom she has grown love dearly over the time. Pearl placed a hand on her shoulder, keeping her back. Looking just as sad that this is what it all boiled down to. 

“Little Spinel, always so demanding and attention seeking… dreamt of nothing and no one but the new bearer of the Pink Diamond gem.” 

The fusion shook visibly, hands snapping up and down in an attempt to cover the upper mouth, but the buffer looking hand fought them off, slapping them away, before it tugged on the hair on her head. 

“As I was saying… I know of it all now. I can see the past. All the times she wished the gems would…” 

~ 

Spinel jolted up, but Jasper gripped her head and smacked it against the hard floor, holding it up again by the hair. 

~ 

“-She would simply wish they’d disappear! She wished there was no one in the world but her and Steven. Dreamt of stealing him, taking him far away and keeping all to herself!” 

Steven was only partly surprised. He figured Spinel really loved him and only wanted him, but he didn’t think she would be all unwelcoming to the rest of the world. And he was glad that she knew he needed social interactions. Most of the time she respected it. Most of the time… 

“S-so what? We all have weird… unreal fantasies!” The boy covered his cheeks. 

“Her weren’t a one time thing.” Tourmaline looked at the Crystal Gems, “She felt nothing but fear - fear of the three of you. You, Garnet, especially. Oh and the hatred she felt towards Pearl being picked by the Pink, and not her. Drowned out as she reveled in getting picked by the new Pink Diamond! Drowned out as she let you all get left behind, out of his life, as she tried to fill all the space with herself.” The monster turned back towards Steven, “And failed miserably.” 

Garnet called out. “Steven, I don’t think you can talk her out of this. We need to break them apart!”

“No! She just… She’s just voicing her fears, not her thoughts!” 

It was the fusion’s turn to stare at the boy with surprise in both sets of eyes. 

“I know Spinel dreamt of being together alone. I… picked it up. And I know she would never do any of the bad things Jasper’s saying! Those are… her intrusive thoughts! Spinel, those thoughts are not who you are, and you know that! You’re better, so much more healthier too! This isn’t you, you’re not a monster!” 

“A monster?” 

The fusion cackled, throwing her hand up to the sky - and slamming it down next to Steven. It knocked the boy off his feet, and Black Tourmaline quickly grabbed him up, in a moderately tight hold. 

“Then you really don’t know  _ anything  _ about her after all. Ooor…” The upper mouth grinned wide as the lower eyes closed shut, “She just became a damn good liar.” 

“She’d never lie to me, we made a promise!” 

“Bwahahaha! Ahaha! And you believed her? You believed that a gem so broken and used by everyone - could ever change for the better?!” 

~ 

Jasper was more disappointed than alarmed that Spinel seemingly stopped fighting - or moving at all in her grip. But a quick tug and yank of her hair proved that Spinel was very much conscious, not a single dry spot on her cheeks form all the tears. 

~ 

“She learned to lie all too well about how “good” it felt to open up! She hated it! Hated with every photon of her form, with every side of her gem!” 

The monster of weakness threw Steven to the ground. Steven landed safely, with complete control of his movement. He said nothing. 

“Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask her what was on her mind about you today? How she wanted to beat you-”

“No!” Screamed the lower mouth, before a hand slammed over it. 

“Mad, so very mad at you for never treating her right!” 

“That’s not- mfph!” 

“You broke a little too many promises you gave her, boy.” 

Steven waited until the fusion would stop the fight against herself, although it didn’t seem like she would ever stop struggling out of her own existence. 

“We need to jump in. This can’t go on for any longer!” Pearl insisted. 

Garnet held her back once again. 

“This is for Steven and Spinel to work through. I know they can do this. Neither of them is lying right now.” 

Steven waited for an opening, then he jumped up, and slowed his descend next to the fusion’s face. He stared at the lower eyes, that stared back with a painful dullness of emotions. 

“Spinel, I don’t believe her, but even if a single word that she’s saying is true - I don’t blame you! I forgive you! I don’t give up on you - just don’t give up on yourself too! Please, I-” He got quieter as he leveled with her teary eyes, “I need you.” 

There was a single second during which the fusion froze completely. The lower eyes blinked, a tiniest spark of hope forming inside of the spiraled fuchsia eyes. 

Steven smiled back. Letting his guard down - a big mistake on his part, as he was flung to the side the very next moment. Once on the ground - he saw something dark heading his way - it was the monstrous being’s hand, slamming down over him and keeping the boy in place. 

“You really think you can talk your way out of anything just by talking to her?” 

“Yes! Yes I do!” 

“Aaahahahaha! You don’t even treat her right!” 

The fusion shifted, a sudden chill running through her body. 

~ 

Jasper stepped off Spinel, taking a step back. 

~ 

“I can treat her so much better. Don’t you want this, Spinel? Do you want to stay with the boy who will force mountains and mountains of healthy expectations on your fragile little shoulders, and won’t even always be there for you, forcing you onto his friends when he doesn’t have time for you? Or do you want to stay with  _ me, _ someone who can and will always be by your side. I’ll let you take both your anger and sadness on me. I’ll let ya beat me up and hurt me all you want. I’ll let ya selfharm all you want, and hurt you as  _ you know  _ you want to be hurt and abused!” 

Spinel’s pair of eyes stared blankly. 

“What do ya say? Ditch the boy. He’s been taking you for granted for way too long.” 

The boy that was pinned down did not even have an argument back at that. If for a single moment Spinel would consider this offer - this would be her choice… her unhealthy choice. 

But did Steven want to lose her?... No. Never. 

...But was Steven better to her by enabling her dependency?...

No. It was not her dependency. This was her need for comfort. He couldn’t blame her. Not after what life - well, his mom mostly - did to Spinel. After all, Spinel was right. Her trauma didn’t ask who raised a hand next to her head - be it Steven - she’ll still cover and recoil in fear every time. She’ll still expect a betrayal of him. She’ll still expect him to grow bored of her. She’ll still watch out for the slightest change of his tone and take it for a sign that she has done something awfully wrong. 

She was abused. He couldn’t allow himself to think that she just had a weird behaviour - there was an explanation for it. It was a bush of thorny and hurtful roses, buds of doubt and branches of fears - and it all bloomed from a single seed of trauma. 

“Spinel…” He called out softly, in a whisper. “I’m sorry.” 

The monster stepped back on its four lower limbs. Black Tourmaline raised up. This time Jasper’s eyes waited, as Spinel’s eyes darted around, deep in her thoughts… 

~ 

_ Why are you like this, Steven? Why have you done this to me? Don’t you know how much easier it would have been to just give up by now? How much I wanted to give up back then, on the fence…  _

_ But you picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and glued them back together. And I was so afraid, afraid when you kept my heart in your hands.  _

_ But you were so good - your touch was so gentle. And your love warmed me from inside.  _

_ Your love… made me want to keep fighting. Your love is the rope that was thrown down the rock bottom I laid in. And even when I didn’t bother climbing it - you climbed down on it, took me into your hands, and climbed back out with me in your embrace.  _

_ I’m so sorry, Steven. I’m so sorry that I’ve only done everything I could to make you drop me. I feared that you would eventually do it anyways - I just wanted to be… prepared.  _

_ But I was never prepared to be loved back the way you love me.  _

Spinel slowly raised up, keeping a grim expression on her face. She turned towards Jasper sharply, reaching a hand for her. 

“Let’s bring justice.” She said. 

The bigger gem beamed with a wide grin. She took her hand, sharing control of their fusion as the two faced the world… 

~ 

“Steven Universe.” The lower mouth said in a voice of a disappointed parent, as Spinel’s eyes looked down at him. 

“Spinel?” 

“You’ve made a promise.” Spinel made the fusion crawl closer, lowering down over the boy. “You made a promise to love and cherish me each day, to make me feel loved as you claimed I deserved it.”

“I did.” Steven almost added “I’m so sorry I didn’t go through with it”, but his eyes said it instead. 

“And after everything, after all that time, all that you did was…”

The monster raised her hand. 

The Crystal Gems summoned their weapons. 

Steven accepted whatever was to come. 

~

Jasper was more than happy, gripping the little pink hand - the hand that suddenly looped and whipped her hand away. 

~

“...Stay true to it.” 

Steven just stared up with a confused gasp. 

“You stayed true to your promise, even when I didn’t notice - even when I was difficult to love - you’ve always loved me.” The fusion spoke in Spinel’s voice, as her eyes softened. The lower mouth even gave a little smile as it spoke. 

“I suppose it’s only fair that I stick close to my own promise.” 

~ 

Jasper wasn’t even aware when she had summoned up the vines again. But she glanced at Spinel with an evil stare, waiting for the vines to coil around her again.

But they did not. They were not summoned by Jasper. 

Spinel stood still, her face raised up as the vines she summoned got a grip on Jasper. They held her hands back, and brought her down to her knees. She growled and struggled like a caught bull, while Spinel calmly approached her. 

She reached her hand for Jasper’s face. Spinel’s face was as cold as a stone. 

The fusion spoke in sync with her.

~ 

“Remember what I said I’d do if I saw you anywhere in the vicinity of  _ my friends _ again?” 

The fusion placed a hand on her own face. 

Then she ripped it out. The nose gem was in her hand alright. 

The fairly traumatizing sight only lasted a second - a second too long - before the faceless monster poofed. 

Two gems fell each to different sides. 

Steven jumped up - catching semi-conscious Spinel and keeping her tightly in his arms, as he slowed his descend. 

“Just breath. You’re safe now…” 

Jasper fell just outside the fence, hitting a few bars with her side, as she crashed through the roof of the room with the galaxy warp. Coughing, she raised up, crawling onto the white circle fully and warping away. Back to the base… 

Steven landed down with Spinel, letting her sit up over his lap. He cupped her face gently. 

“Spinel, it’s alright. You did it! I knew you would! I believed! Spinel, I’m so sorry…” 

The pink gem hissed in reply, as if Steven was rubbing salt into her wound. 

“Spinel?” He stuttered. 

Spinel was shaking, she raised her hands up over Steven’s own. 

“G-get… get your h-hands… get your hands  _ OFF ME!!! _ ” 

Steven let go the moment she screamed, scuttling back. The three gems around the two gasped with concern. 

“S-sorry!” Spinel fell to her hands and knees, “Sorry, I… I’m so sorry- please just- please just don’t touch me- sorry- please don’t hurt me!” 

“Spinel, I would never. I love you. I’m not mad at you! I want to comfort you.”

“None of us are mad.” Garnet tried to reassure, reaching an open palm for Spinel. “We’re proud of you. You’re safe now, I promise.” 

Spinel registered the limb approaching - she slapped Garnet’s hand away. Then she fell back, covering her mouth in shock of her own action. Her hair was as low as Steven had ever seen it go. 

“Sorry!! I’m so sorry, I- I won’t do this again! Please, please don’t hurt me! Please!!” She cried out. 

The four Crystal gems glanced at each other. 

“Her mentality took a tough hit.” Garnet concluded the diagnosis. She poofed her visors away, looking down at Spinel. “I’m so sorry. I knew it’d be bad, but… I didn’t imagine it’d get  _ that _ bad.” 

“You knew?!” Steven looked up at her, “You knew this would happen?! For how long did you know?!” 

“I saw futures where this was handled better, and the two of you were making out by now… I didn’t think this is the one that would happen. I…” 

Garnet kneeled down next to the panicking little gem.

“Spinel, I’m sorry.” 

Spinel didn’t register the words said. She just kept hyperventilating, holding onto her hair and begging for mercy from the gems who cared about her. 

“What do we do now?” 

Steven glanced at each of the gems. Garnet was sorry, Pearl was concerned, and Amethyst was… not with them. 

Amethyst stood over the broken fence, looking down at the hole in the roof, and the warp pad that her sister used to run away.

“She lied…” She whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. 

Steven held onto his forehead, sighing. Then he shot up - causing Spinel to cover further away. That, he would have to watch out for.

“Sorry. Okay. Listen. We can get through this. We’ve had worse.”

“I don’t think we did.” Pearl shook her head. 

“But we know what this is! We can… We can do this. I know we can. Spinel… she just needs to…” The boy rubbed a hand down his face, “Gosh, this will not be easy. But it will be possible! She’ll calm down. Eventually. Okay. Let me handle this.” 

Pearl and Garnet stepped back, as Steven very slowly crawled closer to Spinel, who was just laying curled in the grass by now, shaking and crying. Her words weren’t comprehensible anymore.

“Spinel? It’s just me, Steven. Do you recognize me?” 

The gem didn’t react. 

“I’m going to make a shield around us now. Just for safety - your safety. You’ll be protected from everything. You’ll be safe. And you’ll be free to leave if you feel… locked up. Okay? Is that okay with you?” 

As if he said nothing. 

Steven slowly formed a pink bubble with flat floor around the two - making it wide enough that it wouldn’t feel too confined. 

Spinel didn’t register when the grass was replaced with a pink barrier below her. 

“Okay. Well, at least you’re not feeling worse.” Steven sat up, holding his hands together. 

“I’ll wait for as long as you need. We’ll work through this. I promise.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can not say "Thank you" enough for all the feedback I've been receiving. You guys make this happen. Thank you so much.


	19. The Bunny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel isn't healing up at the pace she hoped to have.

Steven imagined that one day he would do the relationship trope of sleeping on the couch. He thought it would be on the day he'd make a unfortunate pun, or on a day he'd say or do something wrong and would need to give Spinel space to forgive him. But he never thought that the reason would be the worsening of her state. 

The boy laid under a cover on the couch, rewatching the memories of the past days before his eyes. A good amount of time was spent with Steven waiting for Spinel to stop spasming and crying in the ground, inside of the safe bubble he used to shield the two. To shield, and partly to make sure Spinel wouldn't run away again. Or bolt towards the opening in the fence. Or over the fence… 

The sun set down when Spinel slowly came to her senses, allegedly. When she raised her head and found herself confined - her hysteria threatened to start all over, so Steven had to poof the bubble away, but he stayed ready to resummon it. Better one more panic attack than to lose her. It was a situation where no choice he could have made was a right one, so he just had to pick the lesser risk. 

"Spinel?" He whispered. 

She knew that tone. That soft, whispering tone that only meant that Steven was worried, loving, ready to comfort her. She had to recognize it. 

She tried to stutter something in reply, while looking at him. 

Looking at him! There we go! She's recognizing him! Somewhat. That's progress. That's good.

"It's okay. It's all okay. You're safe. Spinel? We can go inside now. Inside the house… it'll be even safer there. No one will hurt you anymore. I promise." 

Spinel sat up on her knees, tying her hands around her body. Steven thought she stuttered out something along the lines of "I'm sorry." 

"It's okay. It's all good. I forgive you. Not mad at you. I'm just glad you're safe now." 

Steven stood up, reaching his hand out. Spinel covered her face, not taking her spiraled eyes off him. With a sad sigh, the boy took a few steps down the hill, keeping his gaze on the hurt gem and keeping his hand reached out. She stayed in place. A few more steps, and few more words of comfort and calling. At this point Steven hummed a soft tune. The one Spinel was familiar with. 

Steven didn't even say a word. At this point she knew them all by heart. It was their own love song. 

_Hey you, show me that solvable problem_

_We can get through this, I'll do the _

_Hardest _

_Part with _

_You..._

Spinel placed one knee down, standing up. Her hands kept wondering, from covering her hair to covering her gem. But she followed Steven, like a curious yet terrified animal would follow a promising smell of food. 

Somehow they managed to make it all the way back to the house. Miraculously, Steven got her to follow him up the stairs, to his room. He noted that Rose's portrait was taken off the wall, and turned with its back side out. Right. Garnet did it, probably. Even if Spinel didn't recognize Rose Quartz, it was best to avoid anything that could have set her off tight now. And right now, it could have been anything. 

The moment they entered Steven's room, Spinel rushed over and hopped onto Steven's bed. And that's how the boy knew he'd have a safe zone for her after all. She held onto the blanket, gathering it into her hands and tying her limbs around it. She kept her head buried into it. 

Steven didn't dare approach closer, he moved his little bean bag chair closer instead and sat down on it. Leaning over the side with his arms crossed below his face. Not taking his gaze off Spinel. 

They'll work through this. It could have been worse. It would get better. He knew it would. He believed in it. He believed in her… 

...It's been few days since then. Spinel got somewhat better. She was recognizing him, and not-him. He couldn't exactly say she recognized and differed the others much. There were only two sorts of people for her right now: Steven and Not Steven. Just like Black Tourmaline said. She started to talk again, but not as much as she used to. Replying mostly when asked, with a "yes" or a "no", and communicating by turning her head away any other time. 

But it was progress! She got a little bit better. Any step counted. The smallest ones especially. They had to be valued. She had to be given a carrot for it. Figuratively. She wasn’t exactly a bunny… or was shy? 

At this rate Spinel was very much a very frightened bunny, who’s ears - that were supposed to be up and cheerful - flopped down the sides of her face instead. 

Spinel was a knot in the middle of a rope that was constantly tugged over two sides. One side wanted to reach out, the other could not face letting anyone touch her. 

And so, it was the middle of the night, and Steven laid on the couch, with a pillow from his room and a spare blanket, as he heard squeaky toy noises come from above. Steven laid still, with his eyes open, as he watched a shadow come down the stairs and stop before the couch. Steven's eyes were hidden in the dark, but in the shine of a fading moon, he saw that Spinel was staring at him while he supposedly slept. 

Steven waited for a few minutes. Curious. Spinel indeed stood still, staring at him breath evenly. Alright, not like he wasn't used to that by now, but it had a different meaning to it when Spinel laid with him in their bed and they slept together. Now that she just stood there, with her hands by her sides, staring out with her big ol' eyes - it was making a familiar word replay in Steven's mind, in Black Tourmaline's voice. 

_Obsessiveness. _

Well… Steven, personally, could live with that. 

He pretended to roll around sleepily, then stretch, rubbed his eyes as if he just woke up, then blinked at Spinel a few times. The boy raised up in his elbows. 

"Oh, hey. Spinel?" 

The gem got startled, taking a step back. 

"Are you okay? Is everything okay?" 

She said nothing, but stepped back towards him. Had anything been up, she'd make it clear. She'd find a way. 

"Did you… get scared?" 

He saw her nod in reply, as her eyes closed and opened slowly. Confirmation. 

"Nightmare?" 

No reply. 

"...Missed me?" 

Another nod. 

"Well. You can… stay here. Or do you want me to go up and-" 

The boy started to get up, but Spinel sat on the other edge of the couch, with her hands held together. 

"Oh. Okay. You can come closer if you want." Steven reached a hand for her. 

Spinel leaned back from it, even though there was a decent distance between them already. 

Steven moved his hand back, grabbing his pillow and laying his head on it. 

"But. Just so you know. You can come closer. It's okay." 

Spinel nodded in reply. That was the last movement Steven saw of her, as he laid in silence and slowly drifted to sleep soon after, under her watchful gaze that never blinked… 

~ ~ ~ 

The sun was high up and shining, when the glass door slammed open, and a grey haired girl zoomed into the house. Her girlfriend followed behind with a little bag over her shoulder. 

"Steven! Spinel!" Marine called out. 

"I still think we should have warned them before we came here." 

Connie placed her bag by the door, lowkey ready to hear that they weren't welcome today, and that they had to turn around and leave. 

Steven took a few steps down the stairs, greeting the two from the edge of his room. 

"Hey." 

"Hey magic boy!" 

Marine ran up the staircase, getting a hold of Steven's hand and shaking it, almost shaking the whole boy along. 

"Nice to see ya. We came to hang out."

"Hi, I uhm… I don't think this is the best time for it." 

"Oh it's okay!" Connie voiced, "We can just come another day..."

"Then we're here to be a mental support!" Marine lovingly interrupted. "What sorta friends leave each other to deal with stuff alone?" 

Steven stared down at her with surprise in his eyes. A pleasant surprise. 

"I guess. Let me…" he took a few steps down the staircase, then gestured for Connie to come closer as well. He spoke quietly.

"The thing is… Spinel got badly traumatised." 

"We know that." 

"No, I mean, few days ago, when you saw all that... Some bad things happened after that. I'd rather not tell the whole story. Just know that… Spinel has bad trust issues now, she can't be touched or approached. And she doesn't really talk…" 

"Gee, what happened? At least, like, in general? Precisely?" Marine put her hands at her hips. 

"I don't think it'll make sense to you. Basically, Jasper forced her into a fusion." 

Marine glanced at Connie for an explanation. The latter shrugged.

"It's kinda like forcing someone to share their mind with you." 

"Yes." Steven continued, "And she did a lot of bad things to her while they were like this." 

"I thought Jasper was rejuvenated and reformed?" 

"She got her memories back for some reason…" Steven instinctively reached for his gem. "It doesn't matter. She went back to the War Gems. And Spinel is here, safe and sound… kinda." 

"Maybe we didn't come at the best time after all?" 

Connie glanced at Marine with a hope to just leave already written all over her face. But Marine was deep in her thoughts, as she put one hand on her chin, and used the other to hold that one up. 

"Alright. I've got a plan." She announced. 

"A plan?" 

"I have an experience with frightened and abused animals. Well, bunnies mostly. I'm sure it can be applied here. I just got a feeling it can work. Now you two come closer, I'll tell ya the plan…" 

~ ~ ~ 

_First rule of befriending a bunny is to enter its vicinity and level with it. Show it that you are no threat. That you mean no harm. _

_In fact, act like you don't notice their presence at all. Not interested. Pretty much like befriending an introvert - show them that you're aware of them in the room, but don't reach a hand towards them. _

_Let them get used to your presence on their own pace. _

The three kids walked back to the room. 

"Spinel, Marine and Connie came over to hang out. If that's okay with you. I thought we can let them hang around. They brought games." 

"And money to order a snack when we get hungry." Marine places the bag on the floor, opening it up and retrieving something out. 

Spinel watched the kids settle in a circle on the floor, by the bed she was still occupying. She was lying on her front side, her hands circled around her face for any sudden need to cover, and her legs together and tucked close. Steven sat closest to the bed, where he could easily see Spinel and smile at her, while not invading her righteously claimed territory - his bed. 

Well. Their bed by now. 

Spinel watched, while Marine retrieved a deck of colourful cards and made 4 sets by 6 cards in them. One she reached for Steven, one for Connie, one she placed closer to the bed, and one she kept for herself. Spinel didn't pick the pack intended for her, but that didn't seem to bother anyone.

The match began. The three kids kept the cards to themselves, Spinel being the only one who could see Steven's cards. And occasionally, Marine would show a card to Connie before she'd place it down. 

"Uno!" She eventually announced, placing down a card with two circling arrows. "It's Connie's turn now too." 

Connie smiled back at her with that evil shine in her eyes, as she placed the same card of a different colour down, making it Marine's turn again. Marine placed down her last card, winning the match proudly. 

"That's not fair, you guys are teaming together!" Steven laughed, happily accepting the defeat. 

"All is fair in love and war." Marine placed a hand around Connie's shoulder, bringing her closer and placing a soft kiss on her temple. The kissed girl giggled, covering her blushing face away. 

"Awww…" Steven cooed, looking at Spinel with a smile (with no expectations) and back at the scenery. 

Spinel watched it all with a familiar feeling. A feeling that she was watching life unfold before her, but not with her in it. That she was in a bubble, laying away, only being an audience to whatever was going on. And at that she was also on high alert. 

~

Marine looked at Steven, nodding about something. The boy nodded back, acting accordingly to their plan as he took all the cards and put them back into the box that had "Uno" written on it in big letters. 

"Thanks. It's always nice to play a… uh…" he looked at the box, holding it up where Spinel could see it. 

"The uh… the onu? The nuo… the nou?" 

"Uno." Spinel whispered. 

"Right, how could I forget, it's Uno. Thank you Spinel." 

With the blessing of the Cunningham's law to the rescue, they got a word out of her. A wonderful progress. 

~

"You guys hungry, I can order pizza." Marine took her phone into her hand, looking through the numbers she knew. "Preferences?" 

"No fish. Much cheese." Said Connie. 

"Pinapples on the side." Said Steven. 

Spinel stayed quiet. 

"Does Spinel has a preference?" 

"She hasn't actually tried any pizzas yet. She just loves sweets." 

"Aww, that's so… sweet. Haha, alright, this one little place I know delivers desserts, I'll get some." 

"I'm… not hungry." Was voiced from the bed, where the only change in Spinel's position throughout the whole time was her putting her hands lower by her sides. She resembled a resting bunny this way. A loaf of a bunny.

_After you got your bunny used to your general presence, get them into a moderately open pan, and sit inside of it, nearby. _

_Show no signs of interest in them. You are teaching them that you are no threat. This is an exercise of trust. They might need a lot of tries for it, so don't get sad if they don't love you right away. _

"Ah. Okay, so I'll just order two for Steven and Connie. I'm not hungry either." 

'I'm not hungry either' said the girl who would be playing around a single piece of cake in half an hour later. 

She and Connie finished their shares of the main course and drinks, and now moved to the part where Marine would pick up spoonfuls of the chocolate flavoured treat and make an airplane motion with it as she treated her girlfriend with it. Connie laughed, saying that she was embarrassing her. But that didn't stop Marine from feeding her and joking about her being a baby, neither did it stop her from leaning in and kissing a corner of Connie's mouth when a bit of a cream stayed on it. Said process caused Connie to hide her face and make flustered noises, which the other girl found simply delightful. 

Steven watched the two as he sat next to the bed in his bean bag chair. He barely touched his sweet treat himself, but he did scoop up the cream from above and held the plastic spoon up, strangely just within Spinel's range of motion… 

_Share food with the bunny. That's a sign of friendship and trust as well. And it will make sure to make them associate you with good things._

Steven stayed moveless, when he saw Spinel reach for his spoon in the corner of his eye. He pretended to focus his attention on the two lovebirds on the floor. And he expected Spinel to either grab the spoon from him or stretch her head towards it. But instead she scooped the cream with her finger, reeling it back and getting a taste. 

_Sometimes if you try to feed your bunny, they will grab some of the offered food and scatter back away to eat it, as they might not be trusting you yet. _

Steven didn't say a word, but he scooped more up and held it in the exactly same position. 

This time, the spoon was grabbed where Spinel's fingers didn't reach Steven's ones, and reeled back to the gem with her hand. Steven held the plate up and out for her. And Spinel would stretch her hand, grab a slice, and reel it back to eat it. 

_Hold the bunny's head down while you feed them to establish dominance. _

Steven looked at Spinel, smiling proudly and happily at the gem who ate something for the first time in days. Which incidentally wasn't as concerning or upsetting as if she had been a human, but still was a very good sign. 

~ 

"Alright, I've got Twister and Monopoly." Connie came back up with two boxes. 

"Monopoly." Steven quickly suggested. That's strange, Twister wasn't a part of the plan. That would have been a game of many touches, and it was probably the last thing Spinel needed right now. 

Connie placed the other box down, and went to open the monopoly box, getting the map and money out. 

"Alright, Monopoly it is." 

As if it was a choice. 

But all of a sudden, Spinel reached her hand for the other box, sitting up as she reeled it back in and inspected. 

"What's Twister?" 

"Oh." Steven replied, "I don't think it's a game you'd like to play, because it's…" 

Spinel looked up at him, not knowing what he wanted to say. And Steven suddenly doubted if it was right to address the traumatized elephant in the room. 

"Because it's… too easy for you! You'd win it from the first try, we wouldn't even have chance! Haha!" 

_If you love them let them win, they say. _

"How come?" 

"Because it's a game about… stretching and… um, it usually ends with people being tangled together." Steven tried to warn her very carefully.

Spinel opened the box, completely ignoring that Connie was half way through setting down all the Monopoly pieces. 

"Is that so?" She pulled the spinning piece out, sending it to come around and stop on a pink spot. 

"Yeah. But it's okay, we can play Monopoly, that one only needs people to sit down by the board and know the concept of capitalism, and…" 

"...What if I promise not to stretch?" 

The three kids turned their heads towards Spinel. 

She pushed herself out of her comfort zone, getting off the bed and coming closer to Steven with the coloured box in her hands. 

"Let's twist." She assumed she named the activity of playing the game right. 

"...Sure. If you want us to." Steven shrugged, helping her set that game down. 

Somewhere aside from them, Connie crossed her hands in frustration, having so carefully set all the pieces of the other game out. 

There was a tint of doubt in the air. Steven suspected Spinel was pushing herself to it, seeing as she could not even take being pointed a hand at earlier. But maybe he underrated just how much their efforts to bring her out of her bubble meant? Either way the kids remembered all that they talked about before they came up here.

If she tries to join their activity or go as far as make a physical contact - be as open as you can and let her have it at her own pace. 

It wasn't long before three kids were on the playing mat, struggling against each other to keep the balance, while Connie was the one to spin the spinner and order them around. It was her choice not to end up anywhere near Spinel - she had enough of her physical contact since the last time. 

"Right hand on pink." 

Spinel patted Steven's shoulder with a chuckle. 

"Spinel, no. Okay, fine, you get a different move." Connie spun the wheel again. "Left hand on blue." 

The time Spinel reached and tapped Marine's blue tunic, feeling something small and rough under the surface. 

Connie sighed, shaking her head. 

Marine beamed, finding her reaction cutely amusing and laughing about it - as she collapsed down, bringing Steven down, and consequently Spinel with them. 

Laughter was in the air, but so was the mild emotion of worry. Spinel wiggled her way out from below Steven. 

A secondary pause in the laughter.

And then Spinel let a smile cross her face as she laughed too. It was a sight of mixed signals. Her mouth and laughter said happiness, her eyes showed subtle sadness, but her raised hand around her chest, along with the crossed and tucked legs, stood for insecurity and shielding. 

She must have thought that if she pretended to be okay again - she could convince herself eventually that she truly was. It wouldn't have worked. 

But what's done was done - She was happy on the surface. Just not below it. 

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel stood by Steven's side just outside the house, as they waved goodbye to the two newly made friends, wishing them safe way home and hoping to gather like this again someday. 

It was foggy. Spinel leaned over the fence, staring out at the sea - a sight that was starting to make her feel melancholic. Steven reached his hand out - but never let it complete the intended journey, and placed it down on the fence next to her own. Spinel noted, raising her hand and slowly reaching it over Steven's own. It lingered above in the air, before she held onto his hand. 

The boy smiled at her proudly. The gem didn't smile back. The boy stopped smiling, growing concerned. 

Spinel withdrew her hand again, holding onto it. 

"Sorry… not yet." 

"It's okay." 

Spinel looked away, taping her fingers. 

"Did you invite them to help me?"

"What? Oh, Marine and Connie came on their own. To hang out." 

"But you all planned your actions to… bring me out of my bubble?"

Should he have admitted the truth? Would that be a mistake? Was she looking to guilt trip herself?

"...We all care about you." 

Spinel looked down, now holding her hands together. So, they planned it all?

"That's what friends do, Spinel. When they care about you. Want to help you." 

_Because I'm a burden that needs to be helped._ "Thank you." 

"Huh? Really?" 

_You put on a show for me._ "Yeah. Thank you. You all did it for me." 

"That's what you would have done too, I'm sure."

_Say what now?_ "Say what now?" 

"When your friends are feeling down - that's what you do. You try to cheer them up." 

"Isn't it fake?" Slipped out before Spinel could cover her mouth and look at Steven with worry. She had to get a grip on her actions again. Her instability was not a reason to lose grip like that. 

_Is that what you thought of us? _

Steven bit his lip, remembering a time of his life when he had the gems he called family set up a whole course of challenges to make him feel better. A fake course. But was it wrong? There was not a single day of his life when Steven thought that they were wrong to do it, or that he was wrong to lie. 

"No. It's not fake. It's about caring. Sincerely caring. Just like when I was sick and you did everything to cheer me up." 

"But that's different. I love you. They're just… they don't even have reasons to like me!" 

Steven reached his hand out for her, an open palm up. 

"Kindness doesn't need reasons." 

_I must look either ridiculous or ignorant if he has to explain that to me like 1-2-3. Or both. Probably both. Definitely both. _

"You're right." 

_You're really that unused to kindness, are you, Spinel? _

Spinel moved the back of Steven's hand away with the back of her own. 

"Sorry. Not yet." 

"It's okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

_When did I ever want to talk about my feelings? _

"I want… to tend to our Garden." 

"That's a good idea." Steven opened the glass door, inviting the gem to follow him.

The Garden was always a good place to visit for the two. 

Or at least in Steven's experience it was. 

~ ~ ~ 

"I love you." Steven held a rose up in his hands, looking at the crying gem before himself. "I just wish I could help you." 

"I'm sorry…" Spinel wiped her tears away, but they kept coming and coming. "Sorry, I don't want to be like this… I swear! I wouldn't if I could! I'm sorry." 

Spinel held onto her head, as if it was hurting. 

20 minutes in the Garden, watering the seeds and digging up the old soil, and she broke down again. 

"Spinel, what you're having isn't wrong."

"But it is! Look at me!" She opened her arms up. "I'm a mess!" 

"No. You're doing really good right now. You're letting it all out." 

Spinel growled, "Just stop it already!" 

Steven wondered about an elaboration on what to stop doing exactly.

"I won't stop loving you." 

"Why?! Why would you!" Spinel stood up, coming closer towards Steven, "Why do you even pretend to like me when I'm like this? I'm always like this, I haven't changed at all!" 

Briefly he wondered if he should have let her vent it out, or actually try to answer. It's not like Spinel would have listened right now. But his heart told him to do that still. 

"This isn't wrong. What you're doing isn't wrong. You're just venting. You've been through a lot of pain. You've been needing this." 

"Rrrargh! What about this seems right to you? I'm always either angry or sad, there is no inbetween!" 

"That's not always so." Steven was strangely calm and confident, "Spinel, I'm sorry for whoever made you think that your feelings aren't worth expressing. But that's a lie. Things have been bad lately, that's the reason you feel like you being happy is a life time way. But I've seen you happy, and I know you'll be happy again. For now, you have to let your anger and sadness out when you feel them. No matter where they come from. Reasons or no reasons - they're your emotions, and you have to let them be. Accept them. Face them. It'd be unhealthy if you'd let it boil inside of you. It can eat you from inside."

Steven twirled a rose in his hand. Spinel was shocked and conflicted, listening to him talk. Then she snatched the rose from his hand and threw it to the ground, stomping on it. She looked back at him - Come on, scold me. 

"That's okay. It was a dead flower anyways." 

"_Why are you like this!_" Spinel grabbed onto her hair, sliding down on her knees again. Steven noticed a weird gesture she did suddenly - she brought her wrist to her mouth, nibbling on it though her tears. 

Steven sat down, leveling with her. 

"This… is normal, Spinel. What you knew before was not. I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to make you feel better sooner. But you're already doing the best thing for it by letting this out. I'd… pat you on the back for it." 

Her tone went from enraged to scared momentarily, "Not yet, please don't." 

"I know, I know. I won't. You're safe." 

"Sorry." 

"Don't be." 

"I am! I don't want to be so… so… so red zone all over!" 

"It's okay." 

"I…" she looked up at him, "I want to hug you too. I just can't."

"That's okay. I promise." 

"How?" She drew out with a sob, "Why are you saying it, how can any of this be any sort of "okay"?"

Steven concluded that Spinel did not hear the previous times he explained why it was okay to express her emotions. So now he simply sat quietly and let her do that. 

Her hysteria went from a metronome of sadness to anger to a sudden slam of a hammer over it - a hammer of emotions so mixed up, she started laughing. 

"That's funny, isn't it? All your efforts, and now I'm way behind than I was before." 

"No one could have known this would happen." 

Hysteria died down, making way for the numbness, as Spinel held onto herself. 

"Maybe I could have stopped it…" 

"What's done is done. We deal with the consequences now." 

"Maybe I should just let you…" she said something unintelligible, "...myself." 

"Sorry, what?" 

Spinel held her hand out towards him, "Maybe you should just say "fuck it" and force me out of this?" 

Steven recoiled, "No! Touching someone who says that that makes them feel bad is wrong!" 

"I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to climb out of this. You make me want to climb out of this. I just… don't know how." 

The silence formed, as they only exchanged looks. The eyes filled with hope met the eyes filled with despair. 

"I won't give up on you. No matter what. I promise that to you." Steven tried to comfort her, looking up at the starry sky above them. He spotted a planet he had seen loom above the place several times before. It was hollowed out with a shape of a heart. A heart in a circle. A heart and a circle… 

"You're signing yourself up for a challenge to love." 

Spinel brushed a hand over her hair and up. It followed, sticking up for once in past few days. Somewhat. 

Steven looked back down at her. Hopeful of that change of her hairdo.

"I think I know what to do." 

The gem waved a hand at him in a vague gesture, "Well, let's hear what hopeful plan am I about to ruin horribly this time."

"Spinel. Let's form Pink Calcite." 

~ ~ ~ 

Back on Earth, at a beach house, on the couch, inside of the gem who sat up meditating, two smaller gems had a chat inside of their fusionscape. 

"We should have warned them." Sapphire rubbed at her face, putting her hair away from her eye. 

"Don't blame yourself. We… you couldn't have known. It was as possible as the other way it could have played out." 

"Then… maybe we should have told Steven about the War Gems. That he was concentrating on them too much. And leaving Spinel behind." 

"Like you said, they need to work through things like that on their own." Ruby sat in front of Sapphire, softly holding her hands out to cup her face. "Love takes time."

Sapphire reached out, moving closer and hugging Ruby. She let the red gem hold her in her strong hands. 

"Maybe we should tell them now?" 

"What's coming for them? Or?.." 

"I'm not sure. At least about the War Gems? I see them coming, but they won't be trying to hurt Steven. Though, if anyone needs our support now - it's Amethyst. But..." She sighed, "But, yes, Steven and Spinel need to tend to their love on their own. We can't interfere." 

"Steven is a big boy now." Ruby placed her head over Sapphire's, petting her wife's back softly. "He can make the right choices - we raised him well after all..."

Garnet sighed out in relief, "We sure did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thank my dear friend for telling me about bunny befriending facts for this chapter. 
> 
> This story arc is the one I'm mentally calling "Descend into the rock bottom". Be aware of that.


	20. Down the Rabbit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel spirals.   
Flowers bloom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sighs] Hoo boy.

"Spinel. Let's form Pink Calcite."

Spinel jumped back, as if she just got stabbed through the chest, through her gem. But two additional seconds of thinking about it changed her mind, as she stood up, still a little hysterical. 

“Okay.” 

“Wait, that’s not all.” Steven meant to explain his plan further, but Spinel came closer to him, making her gem shine up and holding her hands out. 

“No, no, it’s okay, I agree.” She lied through her teeth. “Let’s do that.” 

She held onto Steven, her whole frame trembling from the mental clash of comfort and fear. Steven wanted to gently push her off and explain what he meant, but the moment she tied her hands around him, and her face was so close to his own once again - all he could think about was to hug her back. Even forgetting for a moment what a bad idea that was. His gem shined up too, and the two lost their shapes as the new life they made together attempted to come to the light. 

But something went wrong. Their form was uncertain, limbs shifting around, the face not forming. From two hands to three hands, to having both Spinel’s and Steven’s shining hands stick out of the shining body of a fusion that wasn’t working out as intended. Their faces wouldn’t form into one, and instead both could only feel half of their face, as if they were mashed up together. A two coloured cone of vanilla and strawberry ice cream. The fusion never stopped to shine. 

It screamed, never coming to life, and the two fell out of it in two different directions. 

Spinel got up first, ready to try again and unsure what went wrong. But Steven raised his hand up at her from the ground, for once in the last few days being the one to shield from her touch. 

“That’s not what I meant!” He tried again. 

“Oh? I… I’m sorry, I just thought...” Spinel started to laugh again, covering her face, “I thought you decided to follow through with my plan and force me out of this.” 

“What? No! I’d never do that. I’d never want to force you into anything you don’t want.” 

“Well, maybe it’d work?” Spinel scratched the back of her head, “Steven, I am very much in despair of options here.” 

“Then… hear me out. I want us to form Pink Calcite - which we won’t do if you say “no” to this - and I want you to control it.” 

Spinel’s pigtails perked up like a curious bunny's ears. 

“Say what now?” 

“You and I know what Pink Calcite is. That they're… not a fusion. They're like a trench coat for us. Like a giant mech that you and I climb into." 

"What's a mech?" 

"A mechanical… shell, I guess?"

"I feel like a shell right now." 

"I know Spinel. So I thought… maybe if you can go through that again - but be in control this time - you can overcome your fears? Overwrite the bad memories with a new experience." 

Spinel thought about his words, "You want to fuse and… let me be in charge? But- but what if it’ll go awfully wrong?” 

“I don’t see how can this possibly go wrong.” Steven shrugged, naively. 

“What if I’ll go mad with the power?” 

“Whatever helps you.” 

“What about you?” 

“What about me? We’ll be together. Everything else will be fine with me.” 

Steven stood up with confidence in his humorously flawed plan, reaching a hand for Spinel. 

A fusion… A fusion where she would control it all, to let her see that it was safe. See that she didn’t have to be hurt in a fusion. See that fusion was a beautiful thing to do, only tainted to her by the recent experience. And Steven must have been trusting her with his life if he proposed such a plan to such a broken gem. 

After thinking of it for a good while, Spinel nodded at him, taking his hand and concentrating on this better than the last time, five minutes ago. 

Steven kept Spinel's hand in his own as he held it up at a shoulder level, and placed his other hand on her hip, humming a familiar tune as he guided her to follow his dance. Spinel placed her head down on his shoulder, humming along. 

A step by step, and a twirl, and a spin. And a twist, and a spin. And a hand and a grin. And a kiss… and a new lifeform sparkled to life. 

A lifeform quite familiar with everything… for it was not a new lifeform at all. Just a trench coat. 

Steven and Spinel danced, until the Garden around them slowly turned dark, then bright, and then it looked like a place they knew. 

Uncertain dimension. Endless and confined. Dim floor beneath them, and teal clouds that formed all around. Everything in the distance was a teal fog that was only darker in one corner. A corner where they kept the worst memories. It was an empty teal space they shared their minds in. A special secret place just for them. The bubble that shielded them from the rest of the world. 

The Aether. 

The two parted from the kiss they ended up having. Spinel was the first to look around, recognize the familiar place, and start to freak out. She broke free of Steven's hold, looking around as if she suddenly discovered having claustrophobia. She darted around like a worried bunny in a confined pan where it was forced into to get used to a human to trust. 

Steven kept turning around after her, watching where she'd jump next. He knew they were safe there anyways. Hands in his pockets, he imagined his old bean bag chair from his room… and it appeared next to him. Steven sat down on it, watching the cute little bunny hop around. He wasn't holding Pink Calcite together, so had Spinel wanted them to - she would have had the full freedom of unfusing at any moment. 

But she wasn't unfusing them. Chances are she was forcing herself into this, maybe even subconsciously. But she wasn't unfusing. 

Steven forgot to account for one thing though. He realized that when he closed his eyes… 

...And Pink Calcite's lower set of eyes opened up. Steven could see that the body was hopping all over their Garden, mirroring Spinel's movements inside. Except it was actually crashing the physical place. Ruining the newly installed columns and bending the neatly shaped bushes, as they tried to ran from themselves. As Spinel tried to run from herself. 

Finally, Pink Calcite stopped in place, still hyperventilating. The upper eyes - the eyes that Spinel watched the world through - darted all over the place. The bottom eyes - the eyes of Steven - would have stared up at the forehead, if that was possible. But right now they looked down at their gloved hands, that dug the tips of the fingers into the soil. Right. They were down on all fours, bending their back out and hissing, like a startled cat. 

"Spinel…" The "Pink" part of the Pink Calcite spoke, "It's okay. See? You're all safe. Not hurt." 

Then the mouth shut again. Spinel bit her lip, and Calcite repeated the motion. Steven felt that. 

Then the "Calcite" part of Pink Calcite spoke, "I… am? Safe?”

Pink Calcite sat down, holding onto their body with their twirly hands. Then they stood up and approached the fountain. The water was renewed a while ago, now clean and serving as a reflecting surface when needed. Pink Calcite looked down at themselves. Their form was a little mixed. The purple from the top and bottom parts of their body mixed together and leaked into each other, and their hair was ragged. 

Calcite held onto the edges of the fountain, and to Pink’s surprise, leaned over and dove their head into the cold water. A minute of mild struggles later, as they only had half - quarter? - the ability to have no need to breath, they raised their head back up, breathing in. Calcite ran their hands down the wet hair, making it all smooth and letting it down… And then they shook their head, to the point all the hair floofed up over their head, in a somewhat shape of a heart. Just like most parts of their body. Their eyes continued to spin - each in its own direction - after they stopped shaking their head. Eventually their hair took its righteous shape - shape and smell of a bunch of sweet twirly zephyrs, with two prolonged ones that resembled bunny’s ears, and fell back behind their head with a twirl at the end. 

Sugar sweet, Pink Calcite was sugar coated from the tips of the hair to the twin toes. Just like the relationship they represented. Two sweetest candies in brightly coloured wrappers, each hiding sour and salty insides under the coat of vanilla with chocolate topping and a strawberry pudding. (Except that the vanilla chocolate topping wasn't topping at all.)

Mirroring Spinel's movements from inside, Calcite finally stopped hyperventilating, now looking around the place with a more calmer stance. 

"I'm here." Said Calcite. 

"I'm here." Said Spinel, looking around their fusionscape. Steven still sat back in a bean chair, he had summoned himself a fidget spinner while he waited for her to hop around. 

She was here. She wasn't being hurt. There were no vines. There was no restriction. No pain. No hair yanking. No pain. No words that cut through her like the spears of the fence. No pain… 

Spinel walked towards Steven, staring at him like she had never seen him before. Steven sat still, spinning the toy in his hands. He was smiling at her softly. 

"I love you." 

This was so weird. All she ever knew in fusion was pain and insecurity and fear. And now… none of it was there. 

Just the two of them. Just the Aether. 

Just Steven.

Just her… 

...Because she was in control. Of course. Just like Steven said, she'd be in control. She was now. That's why she wasn't getting hurt. 

That must have been the only reason. 

Spinel's eyes spiraled as she smiled wide. Grass showed up all around, and tiny flowers started to bloom up on the floor of their fusionscape. 

"I love you too."

Then Spinel turned towards the alleged front of Aether again… 

"I'm safe!" Calcite screamed happily, getting onto their fours and hopping around the place again, but now cheerfully and content. The ran around, looking at all the beautiful flowers that started to come to life in the Garden again. It was restoring. Healing up. Just like Spinel was. With setbacks and some flowers pushed back down to dirt, but nothing was ever perfect all the way through.

The warp pad activated, and the sound startled the fusion. They jumped into the nearby bushes, peeking out to see who had just entered their nest of love. 

Amethyst stepped off the warp pad and walked down the stairs, calling out for Steven. 

"Oh!" Said Pink - the Steven side of Calcite. "That's just Amethyst. Let's go surprise her. Remember, we barely know her." 

"I've got this. Stay back." Calcite commanded, hiding further into the bushes. Like a predator waiting for an oblivious pray to come closer, they watched Amethyst walk further into the Garden, down the open path, starting to think that she was mistaken, and Steven wasn't here, and she was all alone. She hugged herself, looking down… 

"Surprise!!!" 

Amethyst fell back down before the fusion that had just leaped out in front of her. 

"It's so exciting to meet you again!" 

"Oh uhm hey… Hi. I was actually… looking for Steven." 

"Aww? Well, look no further-" Calcite stood up proudly, framing the round pink gem with their hands. "He is rooo-ight here! Please leave a message after a signal, for he is away. Beep! Thank you. Currently it is I - Pink Calcite, at your service."

The fusion bowed down, pointing at themselves proudly. 

Amethyst didn’t stop frowning through their speech. “Yeah, uh. Sorry, I’m not in a mood for this. I’m actually really sad and I was looking to talk to Steven about it.” 

Steven got up from the bean bag chair, and took a few steps towards Spinel. 

“We need to comfort her-”

“I’ve got this!” Spinel raised a hand at him, standing where she was. The grass around the two made a height jump when she did that sudden motion, but it was too small to notice. 

“Aww. That’s too sad. Well, Steven is nooot here, sooo - don’t mind if I try to cheer you up instead, will ya?” Calcite smiled wide, but their lower set of eyes portrayed worry, and looked somewhat sorry all of a sudden. 

Amethyst made it very clear with the look on her face, that she somewhat expected the two to unfuse when she said that. Then again, could she have any control over what other couples did? 

“I guess you can try… Well, thanks for wanting to help anyways. It’s about Jasper.” 

The happy fusion’s smile and posture suddenly went down. 

“There's lotta sad things to be said 'bout this one, but let's just throw the whole suitcase away." 

"Not helping, dude. I thought she was like… reforming and becoming a… better sister." 

"Well golly gee, don't you just need an oculist if you can look at a carnivorous shark and think you're seeing a cootie patootie little kitten of a sister?"

"Sharks don't eat people, dude. I mean… don't you know what it meant for me?" Amethyst stood up and put her hands behind her back as she circled Calcite around, "I spent so long teaching her how to be a good gem, and then she just… walked out of the door, messed up big time, and now she's gone to hell knows where!" 

Calcite yawned, "Yeah, good riddance." 

Their lower eyes frowned. 

Steven frowned, looking at Spinel. 

"You can't just be rude about it. She needs support right now."

Behind Amethyst, Calcite suddenly turned around at an empty spot, speaking in a frustrated and salty tone. 

"Jeepers, let me just take a second to feel bad to her losing an abuser, I guess!" 

" "Her"? P-C, I'm right here with ya." 

The fusion looked at Amethyst, confused for a second. 

"Oh, uh, yah. Sorry for your loss, I s'ppose." They tapped their fingers together nervously. "Look taffy, I'll be honest. I may not know who dat Jasper is, but… my memories of her from my Spinel side… are far from award winning. Forgive me if I don't have a heart to feel bad for the loss here." 

Amethyst sighed, heading back to the warp pad. Calcite followed. 

"I guess I can't blame you… that's why I asked if Steven could come out for a second. I just feel really… stressed because of it. Wish I could talk this out with someone who doesn't judges, and gets it."

She looked up at the fusion with a renewed hope. that they’d get the hint 

"That's rough, buddy. Wouldn't wanna be ya. Well, 'm sure you'll find someone to hear ya vent it out." 

The two gems stepped on the warping platform with nothing else said between them, as they left the Garden. 

~ ~ ~ 

To say that Steven was upset at that exchange would be an understatement. Sure, he settled down about going back and talking to Amethyst properly when they saw Garnet and Pearl comfort her instead, but the thought didn't leave him. 

"Spinel, don't you think we could have handled that better?" 

"What did I have to say? That I was sorry to hear that she had hopes in… in…" Spinel hugged herself, "In an awful, awful person?" 

"Account for how people can feel, remember? She didn't hurt Amethyst. She only hurt you. And I'm sorry she-"

"Yeah, we wouldn't fucking be here if she didn't. You know, I think for a change - Amethyst can be the one to account for  _ my _ feelings about h-her."

"...You're right, sorry. I can't expect you to talk about it lightly. So… maybe we could, just for a couple of minutes, unsufe so I can-"

"No!!" A whole bush sprouted up as Spinel rapidly turned at Steven and said that. "No! I'm in charge. We're staying Pink Calcite."

Steven stepped back, raising his hands and waving the open palms, "Okay, okay. You're the boss. I'll just… sit back there then. Don't forget to make us eat." 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven realized that he had fallen asleep when he woke up. Right, they were being Pink Calcite. Spinel was in charge, overcoming her trauma. And… 

And Steven felt pain. Distinct pain of emptiness in his stomach, and a drain of power. 

"Spinel?" He got up from the grassy floor he slept on, looking around. 

The Aether was blooming with flowers and bushes, floor completely covered with grass, and even a small tree sprouting somewhere. How fascinating. Clearly the flora must mean something very good about Spinel. Maybe she was growing at peace of mind? 

She certainly was not growing more knowledgeable of the ways of humans - or at least half humans. She forgot to feed Pink Calcite. Steven got up, calling out for Spinel like he was lost in the woods. 

"Stop screaming, I'm right here." 

Spinel was sitting right next to him, facing the front. 

“Oh, hey. Good morning.” 

“Mornin’ sleepy head.”

“How long has it been?” 

“Since when?”

“Since I fell asleep.” 

“I dunno. I was just watchin’ the sea.” 

Steven looked to the front. 

Pink Calcite sat on the balcony of Steven's room, mimicking Spinel’s position inside. They were watching the waves come and go by the shore line. Flowing in… staying there… and flowing back into the endless ocean. Like a rhythm of a calm breathing. Ocean brought pleasant memories to Spinel… 

"Oh. Nice." Steven sat down next to her. "So, uhm… how are you feeling?" 

Spinel hesitated to answer. 

_ Scared. Terrified. Have to be in charge or I'll be hurt again.  _ "I'm fine." 

"That's good to hear… I, I love you." 

Spinel smiled softly. Taking her gaze from the ocean to look at Steven. 

"I love you too, kitten." 

Steven blushed at the nickname, "Oh, you… So, uhm, Spinel, do you remember what I asked of you?" 

"What?" 

"I asked you to feed us." 

"Oh. Yeah. Sure. I don't want to." 

"It's not a "want". It's a "need". A human need. We need to eat or… things could go wrong for Pink Calcite in a long run." 

Spinel deposited her head on her hand, keeping the elbow on her crossed knee. "Okay, fine, we can have a donut." 

"We need… proper food actually. Something salty. You can't survive without a proper human diet." 

"Bleh. I can survive without food at all." 

"Well, I can't! And this fusion is about quarter a human. We need to tend to human needs. I need… to visit a bathroom too…"

"Eh? I mean, sure. We can go there. What do you need there?" 

Steven raised his hand to his face slowly.

"No, I… I have human needs. You know that. I just need a few minutes of care and…" 

"Well I mean, yeah, I've always been curious why you gotta go there." 

Steven took a deep breath in, deeming that as much as he trusted Spinel, some things were just not meant to be shared between them. He turned to face her, now with more confidence. 

"Spinel, we need to split - just for a few minutes, I need to-"

"No!" 

Steven felt something press against his arm on the ground. A flower sprouted out of nowhere right below it. How weird. 

"Just a few minutes. You need to let go. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. You'll be safe. And I-"

"No! No, no… no!" Spinel stood up, holding onto her head all of a sudden. "It's not true! It's never true! Never safe, never!" 

It was at this point that Steven started to have second thoughts about it. He stood up too, coming closer to Spinel with his arms open. Just wanting to hug her. 

"Spinel. I'm sorry, but I promise to you - you are safe, and we're- Gah!" 

Something snapped around his wrists as he reached his hands for Spinel. Two vines that seemed to come from the ground itself. They yanked him back down, keeping his hands pinned, and he could only look up at Spinel from where he was now. 

_ ...On the list of things I should not be finding inconveniently hot - this, definitely.  _

Above him, the pink gem was hyperventilating, tugging her hair down. Her face shifted between portraying regret, fear, and insecurity. And then masking it with anger.

"No, not safe… never safe… but I can be safe! It's, it's… I get it now!" Suddenly she laughed loudly, "I get it now! It's abuse or be abused! It's that simple! Ahahahahaha!"

"Ahahahaha!" Calcite laughed, bending over and holding onto their gems. "Oh isn't this hilarious? Isn't this utterly… wretched!" 

They hopped up, turning away from the view of the ocean. 

"Why don't we go for a walk?" 

In a few quick hops, they jumped around Steven's room, knocking some valuables over, as they made their way down the stairs. 

Then they froze up as they reached the floor. 

The Pink of Pink Calcite spoke again, Steven's eyes taking over. 

"That's not true! You don't have to abuse or be abused! You just met the wrong people who did awful things! But you can be vulnerable and safe!"

"No!" Replied Calcite. 

"Yes you can!" Parried Pink, "I'm sorry. This was a mistake. You weren't ready for a fusion. We need to unfuse."

More vines snapped around Steven's arms, keeping him down. Steven made a strange sound as they tugged on his hands hard. 

"...Oh, fuck me." He uttered quietly, cursing about the weakness he had about this predicament. 

Otherwise he would have given it more fight. But in his personal case - giving it more fight would have only ended up making him want to fight less. 

It didn't help that Spinel loomed over him, looking a little deranged, but very determined in her fury. Her eyes were very spiraled. 

"We are not unfusing until I say so… and I say  _ never! _ "

"Spinel?" 

Pink Calcite jerked up, looking over at the source of the sound - the couch where the three Crystal Gems watched the scenery of their family drama unfold just now. 

Calcite stammered, unclenching their fists and waving a hand at them in a friendly manner. 

"Oi, uhm, hoi! Didn't see ya there, haha…" 

Was there a meaning to keep pretending? Garnet probably put two and two together, and already knew what they were. But maybe she didn't tell anyone, like Spinel asked of her? 

Garnet sure was very sorry for what she deemed was right to do now. She had to intervene. She stood up, making the other two follow her. 

"Steven, Spinel. We know you're in there. It's okay, everything is okay. But you two need to unfuse. He is right. this is not helping, this is making things worse." 

"Goodie, is that what your future vision is telling you, Seris?" Calcite put their hands on those sides, tilting their head with a sly and salty smile, "Why don't'cha look for a future where we end up making out in five minutes? Or better yet," They bent forward as she came closer, staring at their reflection in her ominous visor, "Why don't you tell me about a future in which we stay exactly like this, forever?" 

Garnet clenched her hands. 

“You need to let go of this. Spinel, we promise you’ll be safe. We know you’re hurt, and it’s pushing you to be this way. But it doesn’t have to be this way!” 

“What do you know!” Calcite took a leap back. “You haven’t been through any of what I’ve been! None of you have! You all sing happy songs about trusting and loving… Why don’t any of you try walking in my shoes for once!” 

Steven raised his head. Now that Spinel’s focus changed, he could at least sit up. 

_ Is that why she wants me fused with her? For me to understand her pain?  _

“Oh, sorr-ay, do my shoes don’t fit you? Are they too much… of a sad clown shoes? Is that what you all think of me?!” Calcite shook in place, as their hair started to drip down, renewing where the drops fell from, “Sad Boo Boo the Fool gone wrong! A psychotic Betty Boop on a revenge rampage, no less!” 

Garnet raised her hand up at the gems behind her, as she foresaw them reach for their weapons in a minute. 

“No, none of us think that of you, or hate you. We care about you, Spinel.” 

“Liar!” Calcite crouched down, gaining momentum for their jump over the heads of the gems, as they landed on the other side, closer to the warp pad. “I know what you are! I know what do you want! I… I won’t let you fool me again!” 

Their tone changed momentarily. 

“Spinel!” Said Pink, snapping their hands down. “We don’t have to fight them! They're friends. Please, just breathe. We can calm down… we can trust them… maybe unfuse and have a little snack together while we talk about your feelings?..” 

The tone of the fusion changed again, upper eyes spiraling and taking up more of the face space. 

“I am… so fucking tired… of being  **forced ** to talk about my feelings! I just... I just…” Calcite threw their hands up and to the sides “I just want to go!”

A phrase so innocent, but mixed up with Spinel’s backstory of selfharm, settled the fate of this talk. 

The two Crystal Gems behind Garnet summoned their weapons. 

“No, wait, don’t!” 

“Oh ho ho, you wanna  _ play? _ ” 

Spinel turned back at the boy who had just managed to stand up with the vines on his hands. She knocked him back down, looking just a little sorry behind this mask of anger. Anger that rooted in fear. 

“I’m sorry. I have to do this. To keep us safe.” She whispered, closing her eyes… 

Calcite snapper their upper eyes open, taking full control, and summoning up a shield and a rejuvenator. To summon their shield, Spinel made the vines on Steven’s hand shake it until it’d show up for his self defence. 

Confused by their own actions, but acting on the fight instinct, Calcite activated the rejuvenator, and put the shield over the top part. The two weapons shined up, fusing together, changing in shape… And when it stopped shining, the Crystal Gems saw a pink battle ace in the hands of Calcite. The handle still looked like the one of the rejuvenator, but the upper part resembled Steven’s shield, split in two and sharpened on the edges. 

“Jinkies, I wonder what that does.” Uttered the scared fusion, “Welp! Only one way to find out!” 

They leaped out, holding the weapon over their head and swinging it at Garnet. 

Garnet saw that she would not jump out of their way in time - but Ruby and Sapphire would, and they did, unfusing before the axe touched either of them and jumping in two opposite directions. 

Pearl and Amethyst pointed their weapon at Pink Calcite, as they landed down. 

“Owo, what’s this?? You wanna get a taste too! Get in line! Why don’t we  _ start small? _ ” 

Steven only watched helplessly, uttering “Couldn’t we please just stop and get a waffle? Can we please get a waffle?” as Calcite’s bunny ears of a hair raised up in anger and they leaped again, swinging the axe at Ruby. The red little gem covered her face for the lack of better reaction - but the hit never landed at her. Instead - she herself landed a few feet away, as Sapphire pushed her out of their attack’s trajectory. 

The axe passed through Sapphire. 

Calcite landed down, glancing back at Sapphire, as confused about what would happen to her now as anyone in the room was. 

Sapphire’s form shook a little… but it didn’t poof. The shining mark of where the weapon passed her through disappeared in a soft light. 

“Sapphire?!” Ruby ran up to her, hugging her quickly. Then she inspected her face. “Are you okay? What’d it do to you?” 

“Me?” Sapphire pushed the hair away from her eye. “I feel good. I don’t know why would you worry about it. Pink Calcite would never harm any of us.” 

“Is… is that what you’re seeing in the future?” 

Sapphire put her hands together, and spoke with a soft smile. 

“I don’t need to see the future to know what a kind and generous experience Pink Calcite is.” She turned around, facing the utterly lost fusion. “I feel fine. And I am… so glad to be seeing you. You’re wonderful.” 

Calcite blinked twice. 

“Say what now?” 

They looked down at their weapon, before finally getting the idea of what was going on. The other gems in the room exchanged concerned looks about Sapphire, then they raised their weapons up at Pink Calcite. 

The fusion in the room stood tall, looking down at their newly formed weapon, as they named it. 

“Axe of hearts.” They held their weapon up, ready to strike others. "Axe of hearts, the weapon of infatuation. Of fake admiration. Of ass-kissing ministrations."

Calcite glanced over, where Ruby still held onto her wife, crying a little. 

"Sapphire? What are you saying? Are you… okay?"

Sapphire held Ruby's hand, "Of course I am okay. I love you. I am just… so proud of the fusion of Steven and Spinel's beautiful love."

The fusion with dripping hair, mixed colours, and racing guilty eyes stared back, their hands were still shaking. 

"Whoa. This weapon blinds." They concluded. 

"I am not blinded. Not at all. I feel like I am finally seeing." Sapphire stepped towards them, not letting go of Ruby's hand. "I finally see what a wonderful match you too are. Your love… it has done so much healing." 

Calcite leaned back, puffing their cheeks and staring out in shock. They took a step back as Sapphire advanced. 

"Steven, you have done so much to help Spinel. You will never give up on her. And, Spinel. You have made so much progress." 

"S-stop! You're… brainwashed! Lying! You're not being honest, I don't- don't deserve your kindness…" 

"You deserve much more kindness than you're getting. Spinel, I'm sorry we don't have the best of friendship. But we'd like to fix that. We will give you all the space you need - but we want to strengthen this friendship." 

Calcite stepped back, till they walked over the wap pad. 

"I, I…" they were breathing heavily. "I need space right now! I have to go!" 

The warp pad activated beneath them, and in a blink of an eye, they were gone. 

"I hope they have fun out there." Sapphire simply smiled. 

The other gems were frozen in their worries.

~ ~ ~ 

Away. Pink Calcite wanted to go away. Spinel wanted to go away. To disappear. To never face them. To stop… stop wanting to give in and trust the moment she was shown kindness. Comforted…

Security is a lie!! Calcite didn't know where they were teleporting to. The only destination they thought of was "Away, far away. Where they won't be found"... 

They finally landed against the other warp pad… and slid down. As the warp pad was stuck vertically, against the cliff. 

Calcite plummeted down, looking at the rocky bottom filled with sharp upwards spikes that they were falling down to. 

Spinel accepted it momentarily… and then remembered that she was fused with Steven. 

Calcite stretched their hand towards the nearest tall rock, swinging away from the deadly pit and landing on a rough but safe surface. 

They looked around, scanning the surroundings. It was some sort of a dark and rocky place. Kind of reminded Spinel of… things she'd rather repress in her memory. The warp pad stayed behind, high above, verging over the deadly pit. Clearly whoever lived there was not welcoming guests. But for now, not a soul was in sight all around… 

So they were safe. 

Pink Calcite stood up, dusting off. 

"We need to go back." Said Pink.

"What we need is to stay away from them." Said Calcite. 

"No!" 

Calcite jumped up, startled by Pink's firmness of that word. 

"You attacked my friend! I… get that you're hurt and scared, but… we're not dealing with it the right way. We need to unfuse and go home. I will help you better. You just… need some security…" 

"I am very secure in charge, thank you very much." 

"No, no you're not. You're just… scared. Irrationally. Spinel… do you really think I would ever try to hurt you?"

Calcite didn't reply to themselves. 

"Please… let's unfuse. I'm so hungry too. Let's just go home, get a snack, and… we can go to our room and just stay there, safe, we can talk about this…" 

"You…" 

Steven didn't like what has started to happen inside of the Aether. It got darker as more vines formed and reached to hold onto him - keeping him down. 

_ Man I really should not be as okay with her doing this to me as I am.  _

" _ You… _ " Calcite fell down, drawing their claws into the rocky dirt, as their form started to shine up around their abdomen. And then from inside, Steven showed no changes, but felt sudden pain in… 

His gem. 

As the space around it shined up - it turned over, sharp side out, as it was pushed deeper inside. Now just a small cone sticking out from below a wide spinel gem above it. 

Calcite stopped shining, giving a wicked chuckle. Spinel has spiraled far down the rabbit hole of her damaged sanity. And she had no idea just how little Steven blamed it on her. To her luxury and luck she had no idea of it. Spinel had no idea of anything anymore. She only operated on a single desire in her head… 

_ "You're not going anywhere…" _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate the Easter egg to everyone who forgot who wrote what fanfic.   
I love you all.   
Thank you for keeping up with my story and interests.


	21. The Rock Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel hits the rock bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy.  
I say that a lot, do I not?

"I see a lot of upsides to this." Spinel pet the head of the boy who was somewhat willingly curled up on her lap. "You know, I thought it would be worse…" 

"What would be worse exactly?" Steven sighed, "The kidnapping part or the starving part?" 

"Oh ho ho, you're so silly. But that's one of the reasons I love you so much… No, you lil goofy. I'm talking about finally getting you all to myself! I spent so long… hating others for taking you from me. I spent so long afraid to tell you. But I never imagined that to give up on being a good person and just go apeshit would be so… liberating! Teehee, hopelessness of redemption can be so much fun!" 

"Aren't you tired of going apeshit? Don't you just wanna be nice?" Steven reached his hands around her torso, looking up pleadingly. And hungrily. 

"Hmm? No. I don't think I do." She held him back. "Oh you have no idea for how long I waited… dreamt of this…"

"I do have an idea, Spinel." 

"For how long I just… wanted you to be all mine and nobody else's."

"I know, Spinel. I heard you do a musical number about it several times before." 

"And here you are! And all it took was… to give up. Give up on being everything good that you believed I could be." 

"Well, I haven't given up on you. I know you don't mean to be like this."

"I mean to, though." Spinel laughed more, "Tee hee hee! I finally get the feeling! Steven, I see it now. I see why you feel this way about me. I'm also ready to forgive everything in the world to you, because I am the one who gets to keep you _ mine! _"

"I mean, you're not far from how I feel about you. Spare for the… giving up on being nice part. I think you can be nice."

"Keep dreaming."

Spinel stood up, patting the boy on the head as she left him down with the vines to keep him in place. 

Calcite, the fusion of the two that by now had became a full time tool of kidnapping, walked forward from where they were, exploring the unfamiliar planet. They put their hands behind their back, musing aloud. 

"We could find a place to live at. A new place. A place where we'll exist together and no one will hurt us anymore…" 

(_ "Spinel… you do realize that I won't survive without food, right?" _)

"Pfff, bwahaha! Do you really think I would let you come to harm, my honey bee?" Calcite twirled around on the back of their heel. 

"Of course I'll take good care of you! I'll keep you safe. I promise I will. That's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. And no one will stop us…" 

~ ~ ~ 

"We have to go after them and stop them!" Pearl paced over the warp pad, clutching her weapon. "Where could they have went to? The Garden… no, that's too obvious. Homeworld?... Goodness, they could be anywhere right now!" 

"Yeah, P. If only we had some sort of a foreteller to tell us where we will find them. _ Oooh, wait, right! _" Amethyst pointed at Sapphire, who sat by the table calmly, with a cup of warm tea in her hands, and a worried Ruby by her side. 

"It would be rude to find them right now. They said they needed space. So let us respect their boundaries." 

"Sapphire, she kidnapped Steven!" Reasoned Ruby. 

"Who hasn't?" 

"She's dangerous for him." 

"Spinel won't hurt Steven. She needs him. Besides…" Sapphire reached the cup of tea for Ruby to try too. "She loves him. It's so beautiful and gentle… just like we love each other. Why don't we form Garnet again, Ruby?"

"No!" Pearl protested. "That effect… whatever they did to Sapphire could spread through fusion." 

"I do not feel like changes were done to me, but fair enough." Sapphire sipped more tea, as the warmth of it was renewed by Ruby's touch, "I'm sure wherever Pink Calcite is now - they are experiencing themselves happily. I even see them making friends soon…"

~ ~ ~ 

Calcite jumped from a rock to a cliff, looking around. The Spinel part couldn't help but feel like this place was strangely familiar. Calcite jumped higher and higher, leveling up with the cliff the crooked warp pad was on, as they found a good place for a lookout.

(“_ So close yet so far from going home.” _)

"We _ are _ home, goofball pants." Calcite looked out at the starry sky, till they spotted what they looked for. 

"See that little white dot?" 

(_ "Spinel… this is space. _ _ Everything _ _ in the sky is a little white dot. _) 

"But this distinct one? That's our Garden!" 

(_ "Really?! Wait… then, where are we? Are we somewhere that's visible from it?" _) 

"We sure are, honey cheeks! I know this place!" Calcite bounced up and down happily, "This is the Hollow Heart Moon!"

(_ "Wow! That name tells me nothing." _)

"The hollow moon that has a hole in a shape of a heart in it! Do you remember now? Yeah! That's where we are! I didn't even know there was still a warp pad here." 

Calcite skipped around, swaying their hands in tact with their hops. 

"Seems like a good place to stay at. And even if anyone comes here they'll probably crash to their deaths before they find us. Teehee, hehe, haha, hoho- Isn't that just swell?" 

Not looking where they were going, Calcite stopped abruptly, sensing that something felt… off. They looked around, not seeing a problem. 

Then they looked down. 

Oh. Right. They stepped off the solid ground a minute ago, now hanging above a deep ravine, waiting for the laws of physics to kick in, which were postponed by the more powerful - laws of comedy.

They looked up at the camera again, blinking twice. 

"Uh oh." 

And then they plummeted down, barely turning over to hit the bottom of this rocky ravine with their back, rather than the gems. 

And with a loud thud, here they were - at a rock bottom. 

They raised up, rubbing their head, and looking at the sight that presented itself before them. Fields and fields with dead and empty soil that stretched towards the gloomy horizon… 

And tents on it. Tents? Why would there be tents here? Were there other people? 

"Uh ho… whoopsie daisy, time to go! Wham, bam, thank you madam." 

(_ "No, wait! Maybe they have food…" _) 

Calcite turned around, running back towards the cliff with the warp pad, when they saw a giant shadow pass over them. Like a giant carnivorous bird that spotted a prey to intimidate, something else flew over their head. Calcite stopped and fell back, looking up to the sky as they saw the caster of said shadow circle them, and then the beast got lower and lower… and the shadow got smaller and smaller… 

And then a little Aquamarine with a gem in a shape of a tear under her left eye landed next to them. 

Calcite crawled back away from the gem that was barely as tall as their alleged knees, till they bumped into a rock that wasn't in their path earlier. Except the rock was breathing down on them. They looked up, noticing a familiar Jasper looking back down at them. Calcite screamed as they leaped in another direction - and were momentarily grabbed by hand by yet another gem that came out of nowhere. 

"Well well, what have we here- hey! Wait!" 

Before the Ruby with a gem for an eye could finish her dramatic entrance, Calcite grabbed her up and flung over their shoulder, at Jasper. 

Jasper leaned to the side, letting the angry little gem fly by and crash down behind her. 

(_ "Yeet! … Oh, also, yeah. We're fucked." _) 

"Who are ya, and how did ya get there?" Jasper asked, stepping closer. 

Somewhere inside of their mind, Steven felt the vines suddenly tug him a little tighter. 

“Don’t hurt… p-please don’t, I…” 

Spinel stammered, paralyzed by her fear… but then she remembered she was fused with Steven. And she had to keep him safe. Calcite sat up, a little more confident. 

“Don’t hurt us. We ran away to fuse and stay together.” They lied.

“We’ll see if we have reasons to hurt you.” Aquamarine flew up, circling around them. “You look like a rather… strange fusion. Well, that’s none of our business what did you two or more get together for. Just pray tell, what do you do here?” 

Jasper interrupted her. “You know what she’s doing here. The warp pad is set to the “run away” destination. I’m only surprised she didn’t die when she got here.” 

(_ “We’re they/them…” _)

“You have a point. Clearly she ran from something…” Aquamarine uttered in her Earthly British accent. 

“Or some authorities.” Eyeball ruby caught up, rubbing the side of the face she landed on when Pink Calcite yeeted her. “Tell us… Did you… run from the Diamonds?” 

(_ “More like we run with the diamond…” _)

“...Thaaat’s none of your business, mate.” Calcite replied, standing up. “We… got on the wrong planet. We’ll leave now.” 

A soft voice interrupted the scenery. 

“No… please, don’t go yet.” 

A gem with a step of a light ballerina stepped in. But she looked nothing like one. The soft melodic voice came from a gem dressed in a short black coat with gold shoulder pads, and dark pants that stuck halfway out of two heavy looking boots for a gem her size and shape. Yet the little pink pearl seemed confident in her attire and the new mental role she had given herself. 

She had a black triangular eyepatch over her missing eye. The coat was unlocked where her gem was.

She held her hands open, in a welcoming manner, "We're glad to have anyone join us. We all had our reasons to hop on a warp pad and just wish to run far away…" She put her hands together as she came closer, maintaining a condescending posture that her soft tone was mismatching with, "We are the War Gems. And we mean no harm to those who seek shelter and help. You must have had a very sad reason to run away. But you're safe here, now." 

(_ "As much as I'm kinda terrified of Pip by now… I hope their shelter system offers food." _)

"Tell us, fusion. Are you associated with the Crystal Gems?"

(_ "Do you think we can ask them for a snack before we run for our lives?" _)

"No!" Calcite replied to Pink, before they realized that Pink Pearl also asked something. "Oh… I mean… the Crystal Gems… are our enemies! Wahaha, they… we're totally against them, hee hee, hoo hoo…" 

(_ "...You know, Spinel? I liked it better when I suspected you of having a feeding kink towards me." _)

"Oh that is… very sad." Pink Pearl said with a smile, "Worry not. They'll never find you here. You can stay with us. We'd love to have you. But that is absolutely alright if you'd like to have your own space. Just tell us, what would you like?"

(_ "A bagel." _)

"I… no, we…" 

(_ "Or two bagels." _)

"We're… we just want to go and have our own space."

Pink Pearl frowned, holding her small hands together and up to her mouth. 

"Hmm. That saddens us, but alright. I hope you will understand why we must do this." 

She was unusually calm as she closed the distance between them and summoned up a weapon. A sharp tool for gem extraction. A chisel. The other War Gems circled the fusion. 

"We can't have random gems know where we hide." 

Calcite stood up, aiming to run, but was immediately held down in place. Jasper got hold of their right arm, while Aquamarine and the Eyeball ruby held onto the left one. 

"Wait, no, we won't tell anyone, we promise! Let go! Let me go!!" Calcite panicked, trying to struggle out of Jasper's grip. It was bringing up very traumatizing memories, and worsening the state inside of their fusionscape even further. 

"I'm sorry. I have to do this. You are either with us, or prevented from being our threat. So… maybe you'll reconsider?" Pink Pearl held the weapon up, threatening, "What sort of gems are you anyways… sorry, I can not tell?" 

The three gems that held them tight took a good glance at their gems. 

"I've never seen a gem so wide and big with so many cuts. That upper one… it has strange pink hues as well." 

Spinel felt self conscious at her words, blushing on Calcite's cheeks. 

"And that lower one is so small… is that even a gem? It looks more like a shard. What is that, a Topaz?.." Aquamarine inquired. 

Pink Pearl pondered, "Hmm… I've seen the gem of that shape before. But… it can't be…" 

She looked at Calcite's upper eyes, spotting the familiar spirals inside of them. 

"Ooooh!" Aquamarine let go of their hand for a second. "Wait! I know that gem! I recognize that cut alright! That lower gem is…"

"Pink Diamond." Pink Pear finished her sentence. "...Long time no see." 

"Wait, then does mean that the upper one is…" Jasper grabbed onto Calcite's hair, attempting to turn their head to face her. But the hair melted into a syrup like liquid around her fingers, leaving nothing to grab onto. "Spinel?" 

Pink Calcite hyperventilated. 

"What a grand luck, everybody." Pink Pearl perked her head up, "The culprit of our little club is here. Hello, our Diamond. We heard you like talking things out. Well, we have some constructive criticism about the new way of the Gem Empire."

Now that Spinel was having a full blown panic attack, Steven could stand up. The vines still dug into his body, but he could move. He stepped forward, holding onto the scared little fuchsia gem. 

"I'll take it from here." 

"No, no, Steven, no, no…" 

"Well. I'd love to hear it." Said Pink. 

"It sucks." 

"That's… not a constructive criticism." 

"I know. You can count the fucks I give." Pink Pearl raised her hand up, showing that it was empty. "You took away everything from us. Our positions, statuses. Our power. Our meanings." 

"I freed you a way to not be stuck in a single role and mindset your whole life." 

"Did you ask if any of us wanted it?!" 

Steven didn't reply. In his arms, Spinel glanced up, now registering that a weapon was held way too close to his gem. 

"Let us go!" Calcite screamed. "Let us go and no one will get hurt! We're just trying to be a fusion out here!" 

Pink Pearl laughed. "For everything that you took away from me-"

"Us." Jasper stuck in. 

"-you are _ not _ going anywhere!"

"You can't just keep us here against… our…" 

Tsk.

"_ Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, _ shit." Said Spinel. 

Steven looked unamused as Spinel faced the irony of their position. But he kept holding her to keep her panic from worsening. Be it that she made a lot of mistakes, he loved her dearly. 

"I'm so sorry." Spinel whispered, looking up at Steven weakly. 

“It’s okay. I love you.” 

“I… why…" 

"The only place you're going to-" Pink Pearl reminded them that she existed, "-is bubbled away, _ forever! _"

She dug her weapon into Pink Calcite's chest, right between their gems. 

The two gasped, air leaving their lungs momentarily. Spinel recovered from the pain first. The plants around her started to wilt as she looked at Steven. The boy held onto his stomach, making pained noises. 

Spinel was a gem. She knew she'd be just fine. But Steven wouldn’t… 

She made the vines let go of him, grabbing onto his face and making him face her. 

"Steven?! Steven are you… I… I'm so sorry!!" She bit into her hand, diving her teeth deep into it, right in front of the boy who was a little too far in his own pain to register it properly. 

"S… Spinel…" 

"I'm so sorry, I said I would protect you, I… I… what have I done, I should have never… I don't know what I was… no, no, please just breathe!" 

Steven was breathing alright, heavily and pained. He slid down in her hands. Spinel sat down next to him, still holding the boy's head in her hands. 

"I'll fix this! I promise! I'm so sorry! Sorry! I'll- I'll get you home, safe and sound! I promise!" Her whole form shook, "I'm sorry for this too…" 

She placed a hand over Steven's forehead. And then the boy fell asleep, cradled by the only flora that was still blooming around him inside of their fusionscape…

Pink Calcite's bottom eyes closed down. But the top ones shot open. 

"You stabbed the wrong mothefucker." Their tone was grim, as the shadows formed on their face. "_ A spectacle it is then. _"

They leaped their feet up, bucking the gems that held them away, and knocking Pink Pearl back. 

Pink Calcite stood up, shaking, with the sharp chisel sticking out of their torso. But they knew better than to pull a knife out of the wound. 

"Well well well… let me get a good look at the company. Or better yet… let me get a better angle."

They leaped up at the nearby low cliff to gain some high ground, looking down at the four gems that started to get up. They hung their head down, as the scenery got darker all of a sudden...

Jasper looked around in confusion. "Why do I hear spontaneous power ballad music?" 

"Oh I heard about you alright, you Pest Gems. Scheming against the peace across the galaxy. You really couldn't hold yourself from dumping all your problems on the only boy who's _ aaaaalways _ guilty for the things his mom had done, that had _ nothing _ to do with him! And yet, how bold of you to assume that you are the worst thing to have ever happened to him. You just haven’t met _ me. _" Calcite chuckled. 

"What's a mom?" Asked Eyeball. 

Looking unamused at the interruption, Calcite stretched their leg to punch the ruby in the face, sending her flying a foot back.

"Well then…” They retracted the leg back, “Since none of you _ fiends _ asked, let me take artistic liberties of introducing myself properly. I am Pink Calcite. This is your host, Spinel speaking. You stabbed my boyfriend. Now you’re going to pay." Calcite raised their head up from the shadows, pulling a sharp toothy grin. " _ Let's play a game. _"

They leaped off the cliff, down towards the War Gems. 

_ That's right I heard your story over and over again _

_ Jee it's swell to finally meet his other _ _ fiends _

They sprung around like a slinky, while the War Gems summoned their weapons and tried to land a hit on them. All but Pink Pearl. She simply watched. 

_ That's right I heard your inputs, can't say I'm fond of your plans _

Aquamarine retrieved her wand, but Calcite leaped at her, taking her for a flight above the ground, grabbing her under their arm and snatching her wand. They broke it in half, then gave her a noogie and dunked her back down, all before they landed.

_ Jee it's swell to finally beat his other fiends _

Half a second later, they rushed at Jasper, spinning around her like a tornado, as the orange gem felt dizzy while she tried to hit them. 

_ What do you have against him, what do you have? _

They slid on the ground, grabbing Eyeball and Aquamarine as they started to juggle the two. 

_ How did you plan to crush him, what did you plan? _

The threw Aquamarine to the side, jumping out of the way of the orange bull of a gem that ran at them. When Jasper slowed her speed, they threw Eyeball at her, knocking both down. 

_ Did you have plans to kill him, did you have plans? _

They slithered on the ground, making zig zags until they reached Pink Pearl. From there they jumped up, spreading all their limbs out in an intimidating manner. 

_ Did you honestly think that we wouldn't fight back all of you? _

Pink Pearl didn't blink her eye at that. 

Next thing that happened was Calcite sending their four limbs to stretch out and grab onto the four gems. They spun up, bringing all four together and bumping them hard against each other. Now they had them all right where they wanted them. 

_ Oh that's right I heard of War Gems, don't really like your resent _

They unraveled, landing with a slide next to the team they ran circles around. Calcite summoned their weapon, leaping up high into the sky above. 

_ Jee it's swell to finally make you _

_ All con- _

They plummeted down. The gems stared in shock. 

_ All con- _

Pink Pearl poofed her form. 

_ All content! _

The Axe of Hearts went through the present gems, slicing them in half. But none of them poofed away, just shook a little. 

Calcite landed a few feet away, desummoning their weapon. They shook with a sudden jolt of pain that run through their body, as it glitched around. The chisel was still impaled into them. Run. They had to run. Make it home. They had to make it home. She had to save him. 

"That was… astonishing." They heard from behind with a British accent. 

"I've never had a gem kick my butt so amazingly!" Said Eyeball, cheering for Calcite's victory. 

"Whao…" Jasper simply uttered, blushing. 

Calcite raised up, looking at the gems that fawned over them now. 

Eyeball ran up to them first. 

"Ohhh, this is so… great to be seeing you! You're amazing! Can I…" she held her hands together, pleadingly. "Can we play together?" 

Calcite let the frustration appear clear on their face. It didn't seem to matter to the small gem that clung to them though. 

_ ...Was I really that oblivious with her? _

Calcite stepped back, very clearly annoyed. 

"Suuuure buddy ol' pal chum of mine, lemme just, uh… pick a game..." 

They had no other options. 

"Line up." 

As the three excited and lovestruck gems lined up, Calcite fixed their hair off their face with an annoyed groan. 

"Alright, listen up…” 

_ Here on this… planet _

_ Let's play a game. _

_ I'll show you how it's done… _

_ Here on this planet… _

They booped the noses of the three gems. 

_ Stand very still. _

"This will be so much fun!" The three gems replied in unison, happily awaiting what was to come next. 

Calcite limped away, holding their trembling form together. 

Did Spinel feel bad? Did she feel awful? Did she feel like she wanted to die from having done this to them? Was she ready to die after she realised she had performed every single abuse she faced but on others? Had she felt absolutely awful for what she caused to Steven? Would she just let herself be shattered, had she been alone and not fused with Steven right now? Did she hate herself even more now, which was hardly imaginable?

The answers to any of those questions did not matter. The only thing that mattered was getting Steven to safety now. 

Calcite sprung up the tall mountain the fell off from earlier. And then they recalled that the floating ability was one of Steven's powers, not Spinel's. As Calcite started to lose momentum and height - they reached their limbs to grab onto the sharp edge in the rough surface, slamming into the mountain with their side. 

Alright, that's fine. Steven's gem is safe. Spinel can do this. She smiled somewhat, feeling the familiar sensations of pain overcome her and blur out the mental torment… and then she remembered that she was still fused with Steven. Her pain was his pain. 

Calcite shook, two tears streamed down their cheeks, past the dark upside down hearts below their four eyes. But they snapped out of it, climbing up. It was a rough way up, and they almost lost all their progress several times as their form would glitch in the middle of their movements. Yet it would not poof away. Spinel held it together. She had to. It was not easy, but she had to climb out of this rock bottom. For Steven. Steven was with her, she had to live up to her promise at least somewhat. She swore she’d keep him safe… 

“I am one bad obsessive gemfriend...” Calcite mused, climbing up, “If I can decide so easily… that I’d rather have Steven safe and alive... than with me.” 

They made it to the top of the mountain, sitting down… maybe to catch a break… just for a moment… the chisel hurt so badly… 

...No! She could not rest now. She had to stay focused, to go home. To save him. Calcite grunted, coming forth to the warp pad on the side of the cliff. The glitching worsened, but they were close, so close to home now… just a little more… This was never going to be easy, life was never going to be easy. Not for anyone. Not for those who seemed like they made no mistakes. Not for those who seemed like they did nothing but mistakes… 

~ ~ ~ 

The warp pad shined up in the temple. Pearl, Amethyst, and Ruby jumped back, but stayed ready to fight the newcomer. And Sapphire simply ran up to them, holding her hands together in adoration. 

“Oh! Calcite! You’re back! I’m so glad to see you. Is that a new decoration?” 

Calcite looked down at the chisel in their body with a pained look, full of tears. Tears streaming down from Spinel’s eyes. Steven’s eyes were closed. Calcite looked like they needed a vacation. With the zephyr hair dripping all around, and the form glitching back and forth. All they did was shake and hold themselves together. For a sweet sugar coating their expression was bittersweet, sour. 

They raised a hand at Sapphire, and snapped their fingers. 

Sapphire snapped back to reality. She rubbed her eye, covering it with hair again. 

“What… just… happened…” She needed a moment to catch up with the present itself. “...Pink Calcite?” 

“I made it.” Calcite sighed out… 

And then the two unfused. 

Steven fell to the right, while Spinel fell a meter away with a chisel cutting in just below her gem. 

“Steven!!” 

The gems jumped to their half human son, waking him up and looking for any sort of damage. Spinel raised up on her elbows form where she laid, forgotten, jolts of shivers and glitches running through her body. She looked at the Crystal Gems. The family she had let down a little too many times. 

Steven seemed to wake up, somewhat conscious and aware of the others. Pearl repeated his name again, holding him tight in her hands. Amethyst hugged from the other side, waving a hand before his face to check if he was with them. Steven’s eyes faintly followed her hand. 

“I made it… saved him...” Spinel concluded. 

Ruby and Sapphire held onto each other, forming Garnet again. She checked on Steven as well, before Spinel saw her turn her attention to the other unfused gem. 

_ Oh no… _

_ ...Actually. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does anymore… This is it... _

“He’s safe.” Spinel smiled one last time, seeing Garnet approach her. But Garnet never made it to her - as Spinel poofed away, leaving a chisel and a broken heart behind. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven shot up awake. Reality slowly sunk back to him, as he realised he was in his bed, with Garnet and Pearl sitting by his side. A thermometer and a glass of water on his bed stand. 

“Steven!” 

“What happened…” Steven looked down instantly, raising his shirt to look at his gem. It was safely where it has always been. Not a scratch on his body. Just the strong feeling of hunger. 

“We were so worried. How are you feeling? Amethyst left to grab some food for you.” Pearl explained, placing her hand against Steven’s forehead. 

This woke up a memory… 

“Spinel?” Steven instantly asked, looking around. “Where is she?” 

Garnet and Pearl exchanged a look. 

“You need to rest.” Garnet reassured. “You both have been through a lot.” 

“Where is Spinel?” He insisted, trying to clench his fists. But he still felt weak from it all. “For how long did I sleep?” 

“It’s been a few hours. Here.” Pearl grabbed the glass of water and reached for him. “You need to rest and regain your energy first and foremost.” 

“Are you hiding something from me? Is she…” Steven tried to get up from his bed, “Is she cracked!?” 

“No, she’s safe, I promise to you she’s safe.” Garnet made him lay back down. “She’s in the Little Homeworld, with Lapis and Peridot.” 

“Why, is something wrong with her?” 

“What is not wrong with her?” Amethyst asked, coming in with a paper bag that had a nice sweet smell to it. 

Steven frowned at her. But he didn’t have it in his heart to be mad at her remark. It was somewhat true anyways. 

“I need to see her. Now.” 

“No.” Garnet replied firmly. “I think it is best that you two stay away from each other for some time. Steven, I care about her too. But I think she is not very stable or viable to interact with now.” 

“So you just want me to leave her in her worst pain alone? So that I don’t get hurt too?” Steven was not looking around kindly. “She needs my help. I know what she’s been through.” 

“Why don’t you tell us first?” Pearl reasoned, “Might give us some light on the events that occured to the two of you while you were… Pink Calcite… I’m sorry, should I not mention it, was the event too traumatising for you?” 

“No, it wasn’t traumatising. I just need to see Spinel now.” 

“_ Dude. _” Said Amethyst. 

"Steven. You need rest. And you… need a break from her." Pearl insisted. It has been a long while since she had to use that commanding tone on Steven. 

"_ Pearl. _" 

Steven couldn't get why did Pearl suddenly look terrified of him at first. Then he realized. He rubbed at his eyes quickly, trying to rub the diamond shapes away as if it was a physical feature, not a mental one. He took a deep breath, remembering… flexibility, love, and trust. 

"Sorry." He said in a calmer tone. "Spinel went through a lot of bad things as Pink Calcite. Both mentally and physically. Of course she is probably feeling even worse now. I need to be there for her right now. I'm… the only one who can make it better for her." 

Amethyst sighed, closing her eyes as she voiced what has been on everyone's mind about this. 

"You are the only one who can... Doesn't mean you must." 

Steven replied as slowly as she spoke. 

"I love her." He gripped the blanket. "Somedays I can't even say why. But I know I won't be of peace of mind if she's not by my side, not safe, not feeling good, or not… just not with me." The boy placed his hand against his forehead, "I can't even name it… is it her laugh or her smile or her… just her being? I don't know. I know she's flawed. Troubled. Hurt. I know she's hurt people too. But I can't be mad at her. I just… can't? Like at any of you. I just want to hold her and comfort her while she cries on my shoulder, and I want to be there for her through any weather, and I- I want to cry on her shoulder while she holds me and I…" Steven wiped his tears away, his happy tears, "I just love her." 

The Crystal Gems looked down. Reconsidering.

"I get it." Amethyst spoke first. "I mean, look at me and Jasper… I should know that caring about troubled people can be like that." 

"I'm sorry, Steven." Said Pearl. 

"You're right. You can go see her." Garnet concluded. "But still… after you both regain at least some strength. Amethyst?"

"Oh, right." 

The purple gem gave the paper bag to Steven. Steven opened it, looking down at the still warm and fragrant pastries. Some waffles, two bagels, another muffin… 

Steven drooled a little. He looked up at the gems. Pearl reached the glass of water for him once again, while everyone smiled at Steven lovingly. They starving boy just stared up. 

"Can I go see Spinel first?"

~ ~ ~ 

"Let me go!!!" Spinel struggled against Lapis's hold, but the blue gem got a good hold of her hands and tried to keep her down. 

The gems had no need of beds. But this room had a few as an exception, for it was a medical check room. Lapis struggled to keep Spinel down on one of the beds, while Peridot stood back, checking something on her tablet. 

"He threw me out! I know he did! I need to go before he changes his mind!" Spinel wouldn't quit struggling. 

"No, he didn't!" Replied Lapis, "Garnet brought your gem in and said to help you. Nothing about Steven!"

Garnet? Garnet carried her gem? Garnet made it all the way here, with her gem in her hands? Hands that could have crashed it, shattered at any moment? Hands that could have bubbled her away and hide forever, instead held her and brought her… to… 

"No!!!" She struggled with renewed strength, "It's a lie!! I know it's always a lie! Let me go, I need to run away!" 

"Why would you need to run?" Peridot peeked from behind her device, "You're safe here?"

"Of course not!!" Spinel stopped struggling while Lapis held her torso down, but only so that she could focus on replying to Peridot. She still kept her arms on Lapis's elbows. "It's all a lie and I'm tired of it! I'm tired! Security is a lie, all those feelings… they're…" 

A sob wrecked through her body suddenly. 

"Spinel? Spinel, look at us. Do you really think Steven lies about loving you?" Lapis asked from above. 

For once two equally sentimental gems who had both known both hope and despair met for a talk. But Lapis learned of it all long ago, and Spinel battled and rode it with equal feelings of utter fear and desire just recently. 

And now this emotional wave that she had surfed for a good while had crashed her at the shore of numbness, and left alone. 

"No… that's the problem… he probably… I… I probably fooled him into loving me… I need to run before he comes back for me. I'm so… so fucking bad for him." 

She quit her struggles just a little. 

"Why do you think you're bad for him?" Lapis asked, hearing something familiar in her speech. She glanced at Peridot for a second. 

"I did awful things... so many mistakes…" Spinel started crying. Not that she ever stopped - her hysteria was a constant state by now. "After… After Jasper forced me into… into…" she shot her eyes closed, but Lapis got what she said anyways, "I… did the _ same _ to Steven…"

Another loud cry filled the room. Lapis moved her hands to Spinel's shoulder pads, keeping her down. Spinel trashed her head back and forth, arching her back while she cried. 

It almost looked like her gem was a true beating heart. 

Especially now, that it was back in its original position. Right side up. 

It was a spur of a moment of a mental decision. Spinel realized that ever since she had left the Garden - nothing changed. She was still unstable, looking to either be a toy or keep Steven as her toy. And she was doing no better with her emotions. They were still all on her sleeve. On her chest - for everyone to see and read what she truly felt. 

Spinel had lost her ability to mask her feelings. Along with her feelings. And hence her gem was right side up again. It didn't matter. She made no progress. As for her form, she still looked like a prom queen that had a bucket of blood dumped on her head as she thought she'd finally won something in her life with her outlook, but that was the usual. Her mascara was the same. 

"Peridot, can you leave the room for a minute?" Lapis said firmly. 

"Uh… Sure… Just scream if you need help." Peridot exited the room, feeling a little saddened that there were things in Lapis's life that she preferred to keep secret even from her. 

"Spinel. Listen to me. I know exactly what you went through." 

The toy gem grimaced.

"It's not like you were left behind by everyone you ever cared about for 6000 years and then came back to society just to become as bad as people who abused you while trying to take your anger out on the people you cared about." 

"Yeah. That's about what I did." Lapis looked unamused. 

Spinel quieted down momentarily, looking up at her in shock. 

“Yeah. It’s a long story… I just want you to know you’re not the only one.” Feeling that Spinel was no longer struggling, Lapis let go of her, sitting up. “That’s what Jasper did to me too. And then I… took my anger out on her.” 

Spinel crossed her hands. 

“It’s not like you cared about her.” 

“Nah. She can get shattered for all I care.” Lapis fixed her hair back. “It’s that… I feel bad that _ I _did something so awful. Just because she’s a bad person didn’t give me a right to be awful to her…” 

“She hurt you though.” 

Lapis shrugged, “I got myself into this… But. Hey. I’m here now. Spinel, look at me. I climbed out of that rock bottom.” 

“Rock bottom?..” 

“And I’m good now. I still feel… scared of being that way again. I fear hurting…” She glanced at the door, “Gems I care about. … But. Working towards bettering myself helps me.” 

“Well… that’s very great?” Spinel shrugged with a fake smile. “Great for you. Not for me. So-” 

She tried to leap up, but Lapis got a hold of her again. 

“Didn’t you hear me? It’s okay, Spinel it’s okay that you messed up! We can all mess up! You’re still a good gem!”

“How can I “still” be what I never was? Ugh, it doesn’t matter! Just let me go!”

“No!” Lapis raised her voice, her anger playing into the scenery. “You gotta stay, you gotta tell Steven you’re sorry. Don’t you know him? He’ll understand! He’ll forgive you!”

“I know he will, I don’t need him to forgive me!!” Spinel punched her in the face by twirling her leg around, and jumped to the floor. “I just need to go!!” 

“Peridot!” Lapis screamed, summoning up her wings and leaping at Spinel. 

Spinel fought her off, but Lapis managed to grab the smaller gem into an awkward hug. The hold was joined by Peridot, but from another side - Peridot held onto Lapis’s waistband, helping her keep Spinel grounded. 

“I get that it feels shitty! But you don’t have to run from it, you can just trust us and face it together with-” 

“Are you deaf? I don’t want to face anything!” Spinel stopped struggling for a minute, not even catching her breath as she spoke. “I don’t want to work through this, I don’t want to try and be a better gem, I don’t want to be loved by others, I don’t… I… I love Steven, but I can’t keep hurting him! I just… I just want to disappear!!” 

She stopped struggling, letting her body reel down as her limbs went loose, while only her head and hands stayed in Lapis’s hands. 

“I’m done!” Spinel cried, “I’m done, that’s all! I’m done fighting and struggling and putting up with it… it’s too much, this is all too much, I just want it all to stop…” 

Lapis slid down to the floor with her, sighing sadly as she felt powerless to help her. Peridot held tighter onto her back, closing her eyes. The little gem never knew why did it feel so… right… to stay close to Lapis. But she liked it nonetheless. 

“You can’t just give up.” Lapis said, staring at the wall before her rather than Spinel, “You… can be a good gem. And you deserve to love and to be loved. You… can be a good gemfriend to her…” 

“Uhm… Steven uses he/him?” Peridot tried to point out Lapis’s mistake. 

“I know.” Lapis wasn’t talking about Spinel and Steven. 

“...Lappy?” 

Two sitting gems turned their heads at the rather creepy pasta of a gem on the floor that had just addressed one of them. 

“Please let me go before Steven gets here. I don’t want to see him.”

“Are you mad at me?” Asked the boy in the door frame. 

All three turned towards the open door, where Steven stood. 

Spinel reacted first, reeling her limbs back and kicking off the other two gems. 

"No!" She screamed, crawling back away from him, "No! No no… get away!" 

Spinel covered her head with her hands. 

Lapis and Peridot, who fell back quite awkwardly over each other, got up with a bit of a guilty look. They did what they could to keep Spinel there before Steven came in, but they felt bad that they could not help her more. 

"I'll take it from here, thanks guys." Steven said, letting the two gems exit the room. 

He locked the door from inside, turning towards Spinel. The fuchsia gem was shaking, her hair was down as ever, and her gem was… 

“Spinel? Your gem...” 

She looked down at it from underneath her hands. Yes. It was right side up again. Just like when she was a baby. Now this baby, all grown into a monster with a ruined mascara and several mental illnesses and issues, was shaking and crying on the floor, before the boy who just wished he could be with her. 

“Please talk to me.” Steven sat down next to her, reaching a hand for her. 

Spinel scuttered further away. 

“Please, don’t… I… I’ve got nothing left.” 

“Nothing left?” 

“No hopes. I’m not going to get- get any better. I just… don’t want to hurt you anymore.” 

“You’ve never-”

“I know I did. Please just… let me go… I just want to go!” 

She covered her face, curling up on herself. 

So here they were, back on square one. 

Scared little cornered animal Spinel, and Steven who was lost in confusion. Lost in ideas of what could he ever do to help her. He just wanted to make things better for her. How do you help someone who does not want to put efforts into helping themselves? Steven tried so many things. What would he even do now, that he didn’t try before? Make out with her? Let her be in charge? Let her go mad with the power, hoping that she’ll come to her senses? 

“We can work through this.” 

“Please. Stop. I’m so d-done wasting your time. I just don’t want to try anymore.” 

“Do you…” Steven felt a chill run down his spine, as he realized. It sounded like she wanted to… break up. 

No. No, it could not be happening. No, not here, not when she’s so weak, not right now. And never! He didn’t want it. He knew - he could see that - she didn’t want it. Nobody wanted it! Why would she even sound like it, was Steven not good for her?

...Then again. How has Steven been good for her? He tried everything, one option after another. But he just could not find the one right way to make her feel better.

“What do I do now…” He sincerely asked aloud, not really directing the question at Spinel. “I don’t even know. I just want to help you. I want to be making you happy, Spinel. Does it even… depends on me? I’ve tried so much, does that even depends on me? I want to help you. I just… don’t know what t-to do…” Steven sobbed. 

Spinel raised her head, now just blinking at him. To her surprise, Steven was crying too. 

Because of her. 

He was crying because of her. She had hurt him so much, but he never cried over any of it before. Not even when he got stabbed. It didn’t hurt him as much. 

Then… what hurt him now? 

Spinel gritted her teeth. She did. The hopelessness of helping her. She couldn’t get why was he even feeling this way. Why didn’t he just want to play with her and use her? Why did he have to care about her feelings? Why did he have to care about her at all? Couldn’t he just use her like everyone else in her life did… it would have been easier.

Steven was too good for her, Spinel concluded that once again. 

He was so wonderful. Now crying because he couldn’t help her. He was in pain, and she sensed it, and nothing she could have done would have made it better, because she knew she would not change for the better. Even for him, it simply seemed impossible for her. She was just making it worse, she was just being difficult, she was just whining and crying and breaking down and being annoying and taking up all his personal space and driving his friends away and making him upset. 

Everything crashed down on her at once. This was bad. This was awful. This was the worst she had ever felt. 

She didn’t want to feel any of that. She just wanted to disappear. For the ground to open up below her, swallow her in and for her to cease to exist. To shatter. To have her gem dusted away till there was nothing to fix back together. 

Her form glitched. 

This was it. 

This was rock bottom. 

  
  
  


But she wasn't dying in place.

No matter how hard she wished she could. She couldn’t die to avoid this.

She could not run from herself. 

So there must have been only one other way out of this rock bottom. 

And... she would take it. She had nothing left to lose. 

She could always shatter herself if she fails again. But right now, she'll do it one last time - she’ll climb out of this utter rock bottom of an abyss the only way she was shown how to. 

She would give up for Steven. 

She'll stop struggling as he was pulling her up, out of it.

She’ll give up going against every nice thing he tried to do for her. 

She'll let him take the lead, and she'll feel hurt and she'll cry about it, but she'll make him happy again, in the only way she can think of. 

Because she wants him to be happy. 

More than she wants to live. 

What is there left to lose? 

Spinel slowly crawled closer, stopping next to Steven, still a little shaky. The boy looked at her. Both had tears in their eyes. Spinel reached her hands out - holding them up as she begged for a hug. For comfort that she feared so dearly. She looked like she was in despair. And she truly was.

"I give up." She whispered, numb. 

Steven didn’t get what she meant at first. 

“No, no you can’t just give up. You’ve gotta keep going…” 

"Yes. Yes. That, exactly. I give up _ to you _ .” She nodded weakly. “I give up. You can take the lead. You can do whatever you want. I'll... obey. I'll play along. I won't fight. I’ll face whomever you want me to. I’ll talk about my feelings. I won’t lie. I’ll do- do anything you say. Please just..." Pathetic, she must have looked so pathetic as she cried out the last words. " _ Have mercy on me! _"

Steven hugged her, utterly confused, but not missing out to comfort her when it seemed like he could finally accept it. Spinel held onto him, sobbing into his shoulder. The boy held one hand around her torso tightly, and another over her head, giving her a light pat as she let it all pour out. 

Whatever she meant, Steven didn’t quite get it. But he did hear that she’ll talk about her feelings and face people. He didn’t get it. He just couldn’t process what had happened. It was confusing. He just wanted her to feel better. Was this going in favour of him doing it? 

It seemed so, since now he could actually hug Spinel for comfort. 

Steven held her close to his heart, like a favourite childhood toy that means a world to him. 

“I need you.” 

“I need you too…” 

“Everything will be alright.” Said the lost boy, holding the lost gem in his hands tightly. “You’re here. You’re safe. That’s all I need…" _ That’s all I need to know we’ll work through whatever comes next. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome.  
This has been the most important chapter of the fanfic.


	22. The First Buds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel faces off the Crystal Gems in one of her hardest battles yet.  
Battle with herself to trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know? I could have ended the tale on the previous chapter. 
> 
> But naaah, I took it upon myself to drag Spinel through the whole healing process, and you can bet I will.  
Thank you for riding along.  
And anyways we haven't even gotten to the part where they finally have

The sound of Steven's heart beating is what kept Spinel sound of mind. Or at least of what was left of it. Her mentality took hit after hit and punch after punch, until there was nothing left to break. And when she thought it was all finally over - the worst thing happened. 

She found herself still alive. 

Indeed, if one would dare call the state she was in - alive. She felt like a puppet. A puppet that stopped fighting her strings getting tugged and pulled all the time. Spare for the fact that… no one was pulling them. 

She could hardly say that Steven was keeping her, let alone persuading her to anything - he just held her in his arms as they sat on his bed. Steven was sitting up with his legs apart in a "w" position, freeing space for Spinel who sat with her back to his chest. He had his hands wrapped around her torso, while Spinel kept her hands crossed together, and her legs tucked below neatly. She felt a finger poke at her gem, tracing the upper outline. Steven was probably still not used to the fact that it was turned over again. Like those heart symbols he told her so much about. 

It used to be nice. Nice when he would just talk to her and tell her things, and smile and believe that everything was fine. Sometimes he even helped Spinel fool herself to believe that it was true. 

"How are you feeling?" He asked. 

And she wanted, more than anything, to just lie that she felt fine right now, as she got so used to doing lately. 

"Numb. If you weren't holding me right now I'd be looking for a cliff to fall from."

She felt the grip around her tighten. Any other time it would have alarmed her, made her uncomfortable, she wouldn't allow it… almost like she had a say in it. But right now was different. Right now she swore she would do whatever would have made it better for Steven. If he wanted to hold her, and if he wanted to know the truth about her feelings right now - so be it. He would have it all as he wanted. As painful as it would be for both, much to Spinel's dismay. 

"And now I feel bad that I told you that. Because I think it… makes you… think it obliges you to keep an eye on me somehow." 

"You mean you think it guilt trips me?" Steven nuzzled his face against the back of hers, the pink hair getting tangled into the dark curls. "Maybe in another context, with another person it could. But… I don't think you're accounting for the fact that I already love you. And already want you with me all the time. So I'm not guilt tripped into caring about you - I'm just doing what I want." 

"I hope you are." She sighed in his hold. 

"I love you, Spinel." 

"I don't think I deserve your love." 

"...But?" He whispered knowingly. 

"But I love you too." 

He smiled. There she goes. This little spark of hope inside of her. Emotions she still feels. Even if she doesn't care about herself, she still finds it in herself to care about Steven. She wants to make Steven happy. And the thing that makes Steven happy is… Spinel being safe and happy. What a fun cycle. 

What is this, a dedication, a habit, is this about her own reasons to love him? 

Steven may never know… 

He does, in his mind, compares her current mental state to a depression. But he can't really call it that, as there's this little spark of hope that keeps her feeling something. And he is that spark. 

And he also hesitated because a mental illness of a light-based AI with feelings probably wouldn't translate 1 to 1 into human terms. 

The two perked up like curious bunnies, as someone walked up the ladder to Steven's room. 

"M' interrupting something?"

"No, you're fine Amethyst. Come in." Steven said, picking Spinel up and placing her more over his lap, as he turned to face the incoming gem. 

Spinel felt guilty for her last interaction with Amethyst as the host of Pink Calcite. Did she owe her apologies? She probably owed all the gems much more than she could ever make up for. 

"I've been lookin' to talk to you about… you know. Feelings. But if you're busy…" Amethyst raised a hand, pointing at the toy gem in Steven's hands. 

Steven shot a look at Spinel, and replied with a smile "We're fine. I've been meaning to talk to you as well. Take a seat and take your time." 

So he had kind of tagged Spinel into this. Oh well. So be it. So long she could just be there in his arms. Spinel turned over, placing her head on Steven's shoulder. To hide away from the world, if only she could. 

Amethyst dropped into the bean bag chair, following the given instructions and taking her time. 

"Why is she just… sitting there?" Spinel whispered. 

"She wants to tell me a lot of things, and they're not always easy to put to words." 

"How come?" 

"Sometimes it's hard to be honest and say what you really mean. But in the end it always helps. Helps clear things up. And it helps to let things out. Remember? You can't just let things that hurt boil inside of you." 

Amethyst cut him off there, "Yeah, that's why I came here to spill the cauldron. It's been brewing." 

"Oh course Amethyst. You take all the time you need."

Spinel squinted her eyes. Would Steven be as kind to her if she would spill like Amethyst was getting ready to?

"So uh…" Amethyst rubbed her face, "After the whole deal with Jasper kidnapping Spinel and being rejuvenated and all… I took her to the kindergarten. She really did come back bein' all like "Where's my diamond? I need to protect my diamond." It was hard to tell her that the war was over. I… may have made some BS up about it." Amethyst gave a faint smile. 

Steven chuckled back. 

"What's "BS"?" Asked Spinel. 

"Oh, it's… a lie, basically." 

"Okay." 

_ I can lie too. Chuckle at me. _ Thought Spinel. 

"Anyways." Amethyst continued, "Told her lie here and there, but I managed to convince her that we live in a time of peace and love and acceptance. … It was nice after that. I thought she… believed me. And… accepted. Accepted this life, accepted kindness, accepted that I care about her, even if in her eyes I was… an imperfect amethyst."

Spinel held onto Steven. 

"...Even if she thought I was imperfect, she got the idea that I saw a sister in her. Like, wow, I even managed to explain to her what a sister is at all! You know how you came over to the kindergarten to play once? That's what we did mostly. We played games, we explored. I showed her places on Earth, I showed her the Little Homeworld... I…" 

Steven sat up higher, still with Spinel in his hands, as he saw Amethyst cover her face and stutter the rest through her sobbing. 

"I… she… it was like having another younger sister. T-the one I taught everything. Like they once did to me. I… I cared about her!" 

Amethyst stood up. She started to pace around, as she tugged on her hair. A gesture Spinel recognized with fascination. 

"And then she just fucking went and fucked up everything, fucked up Spinel, fucked up our friendship, and… and ran! Left! And I…" Amethyst threw her hands up, as she fell down on her knees before the two, crying. "I miss her… even if she did all that… I still care about her…"

Spinel stared down at this crying gem, from her position in Steven's embrace. She would have felt nothing, but about this specific case - she felt something alright. 

Anger. Disappointment. A strange upsetting silent rage that someone could care and feel bad about a person who hurt her so severely. 

"Wow, she's having a full breakdown over… her." She commented. 

"Yes, I am, so what?" Amethyst looked up at her through her tears, "What would you do if you lost someone you care about?"

"I'd die? What kind of question is that." 

Spinel only had one person to stay for. This seemed obvious to her. 

"You've got to understand her. She's… not in the best place of mind." Steven excused Spinel, placing her down like a toy bunny for a second, as he stood up and came closer to Amethyst. 

The boy sat down, reaching his hands to hug his sister. Amethyst almost leaped at him, continuing to cry it all out. Spinel approached the two and sat down just a little behind Steven. Like an obedient dog next to the occupied owner. 

"There, there… let it all out."

_ I don't get it. _

"Just breathe." 

Amethyst's breathing was accompanied with hiccups. 

"Sorry." Said Spinel. "I don't understand how can you feel this way about her. So I can't offer my sympathy here." _ Not that I have any. _

"You can pretend to care for starter." Amethyst muttered. 

Steven patted her shoulder. "She has a different perspective on Jasper. Remember that." 

"I do have a different perspective. She was a bad person. She did awful things. Both to me and Lapis." Clarified Spinel. 

Amethyst glared at her at first. But then sighed, letting go of Steven's hands, and looking just a little sadder. But at the same time… she felt better. 

"I know. I just needed to get that all out. Thanks dude." 

"Anytime." Steven smiled back at her. 

"...Say what now?" Spinel tilted her head in confusion. 

"Well. Duh. You're right. Jasper did act like a jerk. And I'm in the wrong for caring about her. Just kinda wish we could find a way to talk it out with her rather than… fight if we see her. But yah. She's a mess." 

Spinel let it be clear on her face that she didn't get what Amethyst was saying. 

"She's a bad person. But I know I can't control how I feel about her." Amethyst repeated slower. 

Nothing changed. The silence remained. 

"Dude is she broken?"

"No, she's… well, she's not cracked. I think you two just aren't on the same wavelength. Spinel, what are you thinking?" 

Steven scooted behind, letting Spinel and Amethyst face each other on the floor. 

"I'm thinking that I don't feel bad for Jasper. I think she deserves to suffer. And I know that Amethyst hates me for this." 

"Nah. It's cool beans." 

Spinel leaned back in shock. 

"Are you… not getting what I'm saying? I think she sucks. You should hate me for this." 

"Yeah. I hear you. She does sucks. I don't hate ya for it." 

"I don't… get it…"

"What's not to get here, dude." Amethyst shrugged, "I feel one way, you feel the other. I know what you went though. I can't judge ya for how you feel. So like… I can't blame you for how you feel. You know?"

Spinel looked at Steven for a solid minute, before she returned to Amethyst, still completely astonished. 

"You don't… hate me?" 

"Why would I ever- ugh, okay, not the best question. I mean - no, I don't." 

"But I hate someone you care about?"

"And I literally saw what she did to make you feel this way. I _ get _it." 

"You should hate me?!"

"I don't." 

"Judge me." 

"Nope."

"Ugh… change my mind?" 

"Nah. Too much effort." 

Amethyst turned at Steven, whispering. 

"Is she really… so bad with emotions?"

"In her defense she was never taught how to experience and handle them properly."

"Why are you two being so… nice to me?" 

"Dude it's more of a common sense." 

Amethyst noted that, before Steven put it to words Spinel would grasp better.

"She's accounting for your feelings, Spinel. For your side of it."

"Didn't you _ just _have a break down about her?" Spinel asked Amethyst. 

"Yeah. But I got all that-" she gestured at her chest and away, "Outta my system. So now I'm Gucci." 

"I thought you were Amethyst?"

The purple gem laughed, accompanied by Steven. 

"Dude you really gotta try letting things out someday."

"I cry on Steven's shoulder regularly." 

"No, like. Really let it out. Like you gotta be the one to face and like accept what you're feeling. Honest with yourself, you know?"

"Honest with myself…" Spinel thought about it, putting a hand on her chin. 

Amethyst stood up from the floor. 

"So I'll be going. Thanks Steve. I feel much better." 

"You're welcome."

"Wait." Spinel stood up, as Amethyst was heading out. "So then… what do you hate me for?" 

Amethyst shrugged. 

"Nothing." 

"You just hate me?"

"Naaah. I don't hate ya. That's all." 

Amethyst disappeared down the ladder. 

Steven leveled with Spinel, hugging her from behind. The little fuchsia heart gem was too deep in her thoughts to even hug back. 

_ She doesn't hate me?.. _

~ ~ ~ 

Garnet postponed this enough. She had to know what was up with Spinel. She wasn't mad at her for whatever she had done to Sapphire, neither did she blame anything that happened recently on her. It was a complicated situation in which to let the lovebirds handle it and work through it on their own - seemed like the only right decision. 

Garnet just wanted to know one thing. Why did Spinel avoid her? 

She walked into the room quietly, and caught the two having a curious discussion. 

"I just… don't get it. She just cried about it on your shoulder… why did she suddenly feel better all of a sudden?" Asked Spinel. 

"Because that's how it works. Sometimes you just need to say things aloud to feel better." Replied Steven. “It can also help you sort your feelings out when you just… name them honestly. Accept them for what they are.” 

"How in a world would that even work?"

"I'm not sure I can put it to words. But that's what I've been wanting you to do for a while now. You just let things out to someone, and it makes them weight less on your own shoulders." 

"Well… if I was to whine to people about the mental things I don’t even always understand about myself - wouldn't it just make me a burden?" 

Steven blinked at her in confusion. What she said flew over his head like Pink Calcite flew over the heads of the War Gems. But he did get why she felt that way. 

"Do you think Amethyst was a burden just now?"

Spinel held onto her elbows. 

"No, of course not. She had her troubles lately. She's been hurt. So she talked about it. And she felt better… after letting it out, I guess?.."

"And if I told you about things that trouble me? Would I be your burden?"

"No!" She showed emotions for a second, "Of course not. I love you. I always want to be helping you. If I can make you feel better by listening… then I want to do that. Anytime. In any amount." 

"I know you want to. And I know you'll always listen to me. So just… why do you think you don't deserve to be heard yourself?" 

Spinel took a step back from him. The answer was obvious, on the same shelf as most of her self deprecating thoughts. 

Before she could reply, Garnet made her presence known. 

"Steven. Spinel. I wanted to talk." 

Steven turned at her with a smile, gesturing for Spinel come closer and hold his hand. 

"Hey Garnet. Glad to see you." 

Spinel said nothing, holding onto Steven’s hand and kind of trying to hide behind him. 

"How are you two feeling after all of this?"

Steven nudged Spinel. "See, she's asking us to talk about our feelings so we can feel better by letting things out, if anything's bothering us." He turned at Garnet. "I feel fine. Thanks to you spoiling me in the kitchen lately, haha." 

_ You only feel fine because of her? I can cook for you too. I can live up to having you suspect me of a feeding k- _

"What about you, Spinel?" Asked Steven. 

She snapped out of her thoughts, looking at Steven and Garnet as she tried to catch up with the present, and remember what was just asked of her. 

"What are you feeling, Spinel?" 

Spinel took a step back, but Steven didn't let her hand out of his own, keeping her in the room and in the moment. 

"I feel that I'd like to go and hide away now." Spinel said, looking at Garnet with no emotions on her face. 

Garnet poofed her visors away, looking Spinel in the eyes. Spinel instantly focused her gaze on Steven, only shooting looks to the side to watch Garnet for any sudden movements. 

"Spinel?" Garnet asked softly. 

"Yes." The toy gem replied as to a command.

Garnet couldn't make a mistake now. And she could not backtrack, or let Spinel backtrack, although she trusted Steven would be in charge of that. 

"What do you feel about me?" 

She wanted to ask if Spinel was mad or upset at her, but figured it was better to avoid putting words into her mouth that she could have latched onto or took for what Garnet wanted to hear. 

Spinel tugged her hand from Steven, but the boy tugged her back to the front. 

She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to face this. She didn't want to hurt Garnet, didn't want to be hurt by Garnet. 

But there was no way out of it now, was there? 

At least with Steven in the room, maybe he would shield her from the wrath. Oh, now the words from the earlier had sunk in to her. It was not easy to find the right words for the things that were so difficult to admit to herself.

"I…" 

Spinel kept her free hand clenched into a fist, as she finally dared look up at Garnet. Garnet… why did she have such a soft and caring look for her? Spinel must have been misreading her face. Like she always did. But those three eyes still pierced into her ever so caringly, and those strong hands were down by their sides, not threatening, not clenched. Garnet wasn't looking angry… 

_ Yet. _

Spinel made one last attempt to step back, one very visible attempt to retreat from this. She just didn't want this, she just didn't want to ruin it, to voice it, to lose the illusion that she was wrong and Garnet didn’t hate her... 

But she wasn't wrong. She knew she wasn't. 

Spinel bit her lip, looking up to face Garnet eye to eyes. 

She wasn't looking up at her as caringly. 

"Are you mad at me?" Garnet couldn't hold it back. She'd rather know that and work from there. 

"I'm not mad at you." Spinel spoke very slowly, on the verge of tears. "I'm _ terrified _of you."

It was Garnet's turn to take a step back and tilt her head, as she was utterly confused by the reply. 

"When you found me in the Garden… when you helped me… you made me feel very safe. Secure..." 

Spinel began, still somewhat attempting to tug her hand from Steven so she could run. But she eventually dealt with that she had to live up to her words, and live up to them right now. She said she would face whomever Steven would want her to, and she said she would be honest with her feelings. 

Even if it meant giving people reasons to hate her. After all, so long Steven would be with her - nothing else mattered. 

"But then I felt so scared that I allowed myself to just let go and have fun for one night... Because last time I allowed myself to feel safe was with… with..." her stance got more tensed up, "...Pink. You remind me of her more than I like to admit. Or at least of what I thought she was. You're… tall, strong, all knowing. Caring… I thought she was all that. And then she…" she bit her lip again, looking up at the concerned fusion, "And besides all else, you're a leader. What if you try to give me an order someday? What if I get it wrong? Or can't follow it at all. I'll fail your _ expectations. _"

Steven and Garnet stared in awe as Spinel spilled out everything that made her hide away from Garnet for more than a whole past month. 

"Then I'll do bad. And you'll… you'll be _ disappointed. _ And you'll just leave me waiting somewhere alone. Because that's what… that's what _ authorities _do!"

She stopped to catch her breath, then her look changed to apologetic. 

"I know you hate me. I just didn't want to ruin the illusion for myself that maybe you didn't… but after everything that I've done I've got no doubt that's how it is now. And I… can’t blame you. I’m just sorry I kept… pretending that things were okay when they weren’t." 

Garnet held her hands together, considering the ways she could start to unravel this. She listened to all of this patiently, trying hard to understand her side of it. Spinel was afraid of her? She saw her as an authority figure? And in the end of it all… she thought Garnet would be evil to her? 

Garnet looked at her again. This scared and lost little gem… No, that's wrong. Spinel didn't think Garnet was evil - she just had a lot of irrational fears that got the best of her. 

"I don't hate you, Spinel." 

The smaller gem grimaced, not believing her. Assured she only owed hearing that come from Garnet to Steven’s presence in the room. 

"I had no idea you saw me as an authority figure. I think of you as my friend. A friend I helped. As you said, I gave you security back then?" 

"Security is a _ lie. _"

This wasn't true. This was just what life has taught Spinel so far. 

"I'm sorry that this is what your life has led you to believe." 

"Huh?"

"But security exists. And it is what all of us want to give to you." 

"Why are you… masking your anger at me?" _ Because of Steven, isn't it? _

"I've got nothing to mask." Garnet sat down on her knees to level with Spinel. The latter seemed miffed by the gesture. 

"Do I look mad or upset to you?" 

"...Well maybe you're-"

"Am I really a type of gem who would be good at lying about my feelings in your eyes?"

Spinel didn't reply. Doubt has crawled into her mind. 

Good. 

"Spinel. I'm _ sorry. _"

"Fuh- for what? I'm the one who's…" 

"I'm sorry for the way you feel. For your experience. And for whatever I must have contributed to you feeling this way about me. Perhaps I could have made myself clearer with you earlier." 

_ Clearer? Come on. Clear up how exactly do you hate me. _

"I don't hate you at all, Spinel. And I could never. Because I know you. I know you are a good person. I never considered giving you orders - I don't even give orders. I just try to keep our team focused and cooperating when we fight. I could never be disappointed by your actions."

"Buh- but what about the time I-"

"I could worry for your well being."

"What about the other time when I-"

"For your _ and _ Steven's well being. But I get how you feel. I get what pushes you to the actions you take and conclusions you come to."

"Okay, okay, wait, time out, time out!" 

Spinel stretched her hand to make the shape of the letter "T", as her other hand was still held by Steven to keep her from leaving. 

"I get why Steven wants to put up with me and acts nice. But why would you? You can literally choose to never have to deal with me." 

"Spinel, I care about you." 

"Why would you??" 

"... Because you are a friend to me. At least I see you that way."

"Just… why? What's my use for you?"

Garnet sincerely shrugged. 

"You don't need a use to be a friend." 

Spinel fell silent, trying to let the phrase sink in. 

She spoke again in a minute, directly addressing Garnet. 

"Is that true?"

"Everything that I've said so far is."

"And you… don't hate me? At all?"

"No."

"Even if I'm still afraid of you?"

"I get that I'm not going to change how you feel about me in a single talk. I just hope… that I can prove to you I have no ill intentions with you overtime." Garnet stood back up. "But I'm glad we made a step towards working this out." 

"You're glad?!"

"Of course I am-"

"You shouldn't be! I was _ so terrified _ to tell you, why in a world are you being so _ nice _to me after hearing me say so many unpretty things that I thought of you?!"

"I can't be mad at you for how you feel." 

Garnet wished the two well, leaving the room. 

~ 

"Well, how do you feel, Spinel?" 

So many emotions, so many new things were opening for her now that she was doing what she always thought would only bring her pain. 

She was opening up to others about the ways she felt about them. 

Steven nudged her shoulder. 

"Ah? I feel… weird." Spinel replied to Steven, "I always thought that… that they hated me. Or that if I was to talk about my feelings - I'd be an unwanted burden and everyone would hate me. Or that - or that I didn't deserve to talk about my feelings. So this is so weird… I'm telling them how I really feel, and they just… don't hate me?!"

"Yes!" Steven cheered, bringing his hands up. "Yes, that's how it works! You're right. It's okay to just talk to people about your feelings!" 

“Is- is this a lie? A joke? Do they feel like they owe being nice or… or…” Spinel circled her hands around her face, “Are they really… is that really so… is it really… really…” That word, that painful word that she dreaded so much danced on the tip of her tongue, “..._ safe? _”

“It is safe! You are safe! They’re not pretending. That’s just how it works.” 

“Whoa…” 

Spinel sunk down on her knees. She had a lot to reconsider in that moment of her life. 

This wasn’t so bad. This wasn’t bad at all! People were being… reasonable. Not hating on her. Not leaving her behind. They were… _ wanting _to work through things to stay friends with her. They cared about her. What is that feeling? Is that what having friends is like? Spinel never knew any of that. 

Two sides fought inside of her head. One that cheerfully bounced up and down, excited that she finally discovered that she was allowed to feel safe after all. And the other stared from the shadows with a scared expression, screaming out that this was a lie, and it would all crash down on her the moment she chooses to relax… 

But the offer was too tempting. 

Spinel jumped up, bouncing up and down in front of Steven. 

“This is not so bad! This is… kinda good! Jee, whom am I kidding? This feels good! Why didn’t I do that earlier?” 

There were many mental illness related answers to this question, and Steven chose to cheer for her rather than answer the question that was rhetorical anyways. 

"I'm so glad for you." He said, reaching his hands out for her. 

Spinel leapt at him, hugging him tightly as Steven spun around with her happily. The heart gem tied all her limbs around Steven, smiling. 

She was giving in to this happiness, to the feelings she hardly believed she deserved. But for right now, she just wanted to drown the pain out. She just wanted to feel happy, for this moment… 

~ ~ ~ 

  
  


Pearl was brewing up some coffee as she saw the two happily come down to the living room. Spinel seemed very happy all of a sudden, her hair was somewhat up as she was exchanging loving and cheerful looks with Steven. That’s rather sudden, yet isn’t that some good news for once? 

The two sat on the other side of the counter, in front of Pearl. 

“I see you’re feeling better?” She inquired. 

“Spinel made a lot of progress just today!” 

“I do feel really happy.” Spinel chuckled. Deep inside she wasn’t even sure what caused this sudden feeling. As if someone tied a rope around her body and pulled it up with a sudden motion, bringing her to a cloud nine and leaving there with her newly found wings. “This is so exciting! I didn’t know it was just… okay to talk about your feelings.” 

“Yeah. I’ve been there.” Pearl laughed, putting two cubes of sugar into her cup. 

Spinel picked a sugar cube, eating it whole like a candy.

“Really? You’ve been where I am?”

“Not exactly in the same spot, I-”

“Yeah, hehe. Pink didn’t make you wait in a single spot at least.” 

“...Yes. As I was saying, I was in a mental state in which I… never considered that I could have just talked about how I felt. To keep everything inside seemed like the only viable option of dealing with it. I’ve suffered quite a lot from that.” 

“Suffered?”

“Yes. You see, when you don’t admit how things make you feel - you can end up being self defensive, hurtful, salty… and people would never know that you have your reasons to be this way - fear, pain, guilt… People don’t know what you’re feeling until you tell them how you feel. They can even get the wrong ideas of you.” She sipped her coffee, “My goodness gracious, remember when I fought Amethyst because I couldn’t figure out why was she mad? There were… quite a couple of times I can name that would have worked out much more peacefully, have I had the knowledge I have now, back then. But you know…” She sipped more, “You’ve got to live through making a mistake before you learn from it how to do better next time.” 

“Gee, that’s so profound, teehee.” Spinel placed her elbows on the counter, prepping her head as she listened. 

“Yes. I knew one gem who could have used that knowledge…” Pearl took a prolonged sip, “But she’s gone now.” 

Spinel’s smile faded just a little. 

“Pink?” 

“Yes…” 

_ Oh, this is great! _ Thought Steven, _ They can bond over talking about her and the traumatizing impact she had on both of their lives! _

“Pink Diamond could not have known better. She grew up where the talks of feelings… where the talks of _ anything _were forbidden, if it wasn’t contributing to expanding the empire. Not to sound like I excuse anything that she did. I just see where it came from. It’s still rather upsetting that she did all that…” 

Pearl brought the cup back to her mouth, sipping her coffee. 

“Yeah.” Said Spinel, “We learn from the ones above us. I guess you were no better than her when you left me and Steven to die in the Garden.” 

Pearl spit her coffee out. She stared at Spinel with a mortified look. Steven rolled his lips in, closing one eye.

_ Oh boy. _

“I beg your pardon…” 

“What? You literally did the exact same thing. Don’t shoot the messenger.”

Spinel glanced over at Steven, noticing that the boy was visibly concerned. 

Worry. 

"Did… did I say something wrong?" 

She looked up at Pearl. Pearl had a facial expression somewhere between hurt, offended, and deeply disappointed. 

Realization hit Spinel like a spear through the chest. 

Oh no. 

_ Oh no, no, no… I screwed up!!! _

Spinel covered her mouth. Her hair went back down, like floppy bunny's ears. She jumped off the chair, stepping back. Away. Time to run away, time to never see any of them again, time to disappear. 

Steven got up too, catching Spinel by hand before she could get anywhere. 

"I… I'm sorry, I just…" 

_ Why did I trust this, why did I ever think it was okay? It's not. Here I am. Not safe, never safe, can never relax, can never let my guard down. Voiced my fucking feelings, there I go. I messed up, I messed up, I messed up, I messed up… _

“It’s okay, Spinel, just don’t back out of this, you can talk this out-” 

"I messed up, I'm so sorry, I should not have… I thought…" she covered her mouth. 

She was thinking about how much worse it was making this that she was freaking out over this right next to Pearl. 

It did affect Pearl in a way Spinel feared it could. Spinel did just cut her deep, she compared Pearl to her abuser. And of course Pearl felt very hurt by it. But seeing that Spinel was freaking out over it so badly… did make Pearl consider that she should have addressed it, rather than get up and run away to cry about it, as she or may not have planned now. 

Pearl stood up, coming closer to the two. Steven was trying to console or at least keep Spinel in place, but as Pearl approached - she saw her raise her noodly hands over her head and make a whimper, as if she feared being hit.

Yes. She spiraled fast. 

Pearl sighed. 

"Spinel. I'm... not mad at you. I can see where you're coming from. But it does hurts my feelings to hear it put so bluntly." She stared down at the cup in her hands. "I just… need some space right now. I don't hate you." 

Pearl stepped back, looking to the side sadly. Seemingly not listening to the two anymore. She raised a hand over her mouth, to cover a trembling lip.

"I screwed up." Spinel shook, as Steven wouldn't let go of her. "I messed up… I- I thought it was okay to say how I felt but I just did it over and over again. This always happens. Why did I open my mouth? Why did I think it was okay to say? Why did I… she hates me now. She's mad I know she's mad now…" 

“Spinel, it’s okay. You messed up. It happens. It’s okay, this happens sometimes.” 

“But it’s not like the previous times, I- I really hurt her. She- she does hates me now! She’ll never want to see me again…” 

Steven grabbed Spinel into a hug. Her hyperventilating rocked him back and forth with her. 

“No, Spinel, this happens between friends. She doesn’t hate you. Pearl, come on. You two can talk this out.” 

“This is hopeless.” Spinel carried on in a whisper, “Oh can’t you see this is hopeless. I’ll always find a new way to mess things up, I know I always will…” 

“And you can always find a way out of this too.” Steven reassured. “People mess up all the time. it’s just something that happens. The important part is that it’s usually something you can fix.”

“Steven is right.” Pearl spoke again, looking at Spinel with a tint of anger. Of course she did not like having to console someone who had just hurt her very much, “I won’t hate you forever. I can see how you would come to that conclusion when looking at just the bare facts, but hearing it still hurt my feelings.”

“I’m sorry.” Spinel hiccuped. 

“I know. That’s why I won’t.” 

“Won’t…?”

“Won’t hate you forever. It’s clear that you regret the harm your words caused and leaned from the experience.”

Spinel stopped struggling in Steven’s hold, mostly because she wondered what was Pearl talking about. 

Pearl put her thumb and pointing finger to her forehead. 

“Look, Spinel, I know that feelings are still something you’re getting used to. That’s why I’m trying to put it this way. You said something hurtful, but I know you and I know you’re trying to get better and be more understanding of those around you. And I know you (most likely) wouldn’t intend to hurt me.”

Steven let go of Spinel when he no longer felt her trying to run away. Still he kept a hand up and over her… elbow?.. over her hand. 

“But… you _ are _ mad at me?” 

Pearl considered her phrasing. 

“I’m hurt by your words. I recognize you didn’t mean it. I’m not going to hate you. I just need some time and space to forgive you properly.” 

Confused, but Spinel followed the given explanation and nodded. Pearl exited the room, disappearing down the ladder behind the glass door. 

“I… don’t get it.” 

“What do you feel, Spinel?” 

“Bad. I feel bad. I said how I felt and it hurt her. But I didn’t want to hurt her. And she… did she lie? What if she will hate me forever now?” 

“You know her. She would not. She’s kind and understanding.” 

“But what if she could.” 

“There… probably are people out there who could. But tell me, Spinel. Would you want a friend who could stop wanting to be your friend over a single word said wrong?” 

“I guess… no? That sounds like a lot of expectations to meet.” 

“You know what they say?”

“They say what now?”

“They say if a friendship ends - it was not there to begin with. Would you want a friend who would take the first opportunity to leave you?” 

“I don’t think so, no…”

“Then you should stick to the friends who will be willing to work through things, even if it won’t always be easy.” 

Spinel slid down to the floor. 

“Oof… friendship really isn’t all that easy to grasp, to maintain, to keep...”

Steven sat down next to her. 

“I know you can do this though.” He reached a hand to hold her face, and Spinel leaned into his touch, closing her eyes. “It’ll be a long way. But I know I’ll guide you through this.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to share feedback or ideas with me, or see some really cool fanart by other fans / art by me for the tale, I remind you that my tumblr main is monsterritory.  
Don't ask me about the air date of the next chapters though. That'll come when the time is right.


	23. The Sprout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel has a chat about her feelings again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course the pacing slowed down. This is the slow part where she very slowly makes her way out of this rock bottom.

Peridot raised her hands up. "So, we don't hate you." 

"Wow. That's so convincing." Spinel said in a monotone. 

"Heh, give her a rest. She's still figuring emotions out too." Lapis snorted at the exchange, placing a hand over Peridot's shoulder. "It's nice to see you, Spinel." 

"It's nice to see you two too. I wouldn't have came here had it not been for, well…" Spinel pointed at the boy onto whom she was holding tightly. "I just hopped on him in the morning and whatever happened next - happened." 

Steven sighed, thinking that he really had to have some serious discussion with Spinel about the ways she phrased things sometimes. Or they could at least live up to the things she said. 

"...We're glad to see you either way." Lapis raised a thumb up at her. 

Steven made Spinel take a step back from him, so he could wave back at the two. Then he looked around, spotting Bismuth in the distance. The boy took his jacket off and reached it for the little fuchsia gem, just like he used to do when she was feeling better, and they would part for a bit. Spinel knew the gesture. She took the jacket, putting it on, and looking at the boy to receive the next command. Her expression made it clear that had Steven said nothing, she'd just follow him quietly. 

"Spinel, why don't you chat with Lapis and Peridot while I talk to Bismuth?" 

"I can tell you many reasons why not." 

Steven looked at the two gems behind, shrugging with a soft apologetic smile. They two waved their hands in a "It's fine, whatever" gesture. 

"Spinel. Please stay here and talk with Lapis and Peridot while I check on Bismuth. I'll be back very soon." 

"Yes m… okay." Spinel nodded, standing in place as the boy slowly stepped away and towards the third secondary Crystal Gem to the right. 

"I miss him." She uttered five seconds later. 

Peridot glanced at Lapis, "Pretty needy, huh?"

"Meh. Understandable." 

“You think it’s…  _ too _ needy?” 

“I think that’s up to Steven, he’s the one dating her.” 

“No, I mean… to you… if someone was uh…” Peridot stared up at Lapis, not finishing her sentence. Then she turned at Spinel, shouting, “It’s nice to see you when you’re not trying to destroy the ecosystem of this planet, heh heh!” 

“Thanks.” Spinel raised a hand to wave at her, before promptly hiding both her hands into the pockets of the jacket. 

“It’s been a while, yes?” This time Lapis tried to start a friendly chatter with her. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been kinda shattered inside.” Spinel did not take her eyes of Steven in the distance. 

So easy. It was so curiously easy to boil all that she was down to no more than what was needed of her in the moment. She was not about to go through the same mess as she did with Pearl again. She needed to think before she spoke. She needed to make sure she wouldn’t voice what she felt. 

Only what people wanted to hear. 

That’s the way of friendship, right? Just bend down to everyone’s will, move your puppet limb when a string is tugged. And you’ll be fine. 

Lapis saw that. She sighed, coming closer to Spinel and placing two hands on her shoulders from the front. It did the wanted effect of making Spinel change her focus at her this time. 

“I want to know how have you been.” 

“What humans call “dead inside” is how I have been.” Spinel looked at her with no emotions written on her face. 

Lapis tsked, calling Peridot to join her. “We kind of noticed you weren’t in a best place of mind last time… and we want to help you.” 

Spinel sighed sadly. Of course, that’s what everyone lately wanted to do. Was that some sort of a guilty pleasure for all of them? Was that a kink she was not aware of? A trend? Did everyone collectively owe doing this to Steven?

“...We care about you.” Lapis told Spinel what Steven made her feel once without words. 

Like she was hit by a thunder, Spinel shivered. She placed her hands over Lapis’s ones, taking them off her shoulders and moving back. 

“Thank you. Please don’t.” 

Lapis grabbed onto her hands back, not letting go. Spinel had no mental energy to shake her hands off this time, as she did lately. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I have to warn you that I’ll just end up hurting you or your feelings eventually. So you’ll spare yourself some nerves and time if you don’t bother with me.” 

“You know, you remind me of someone.” 

“Jee, who?” 

“Myself.” 

Spinel made a sour face at her. 

It was true, Spinel reminded Lapis of herself. Of her past self. Except if all of her past emotions were exaggerated and handled by her so much worse than she actually handled it. And in a way it both flattered and worried Lapis. Flattered that she was not the worst at handling emotional things, she was not her own worst version after all. And worried for Spinel - she wanted to help her. There was just something melancholic about looking down at this fuchsia gem and seeing her own old eyes in Spinel's current ones. 

“What’s that supposed’ta mean?” 

“I told you. I was where you are now. And I made it out. I want to pull you out of it too now.” 

Spinel blew air through her lips. Lapis didn't give up despite that gesture.

“You wouldn’t believe how good it can feel to just… love yourself.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“Oh, sure!” 

“No, wait, I was joking-” 

Before Spinel could explain that she was just trying to be salty, Lapis picked her up, summoning her wings and taking off into the sky. 

Peridot watched the two from the ground, unsure if she should have tried to follow. Then she kicked the dust up with her feet. 

One day, one day she would tell her… one day… 

~ ~ ~ 

Lapis flew up with Spinel in her arms. The fuchsia gem wasn’t even trying to hold onto her, so Lapis made sure she was the one holding her tight. They flew past the clouds before she would slow down and soar above them. 

“Let me guess… You hate yourself? You did bad things, and you think it makes you an awful person who could never deserve kindness now.” 

“Uhhh…” 

Lapis made a loop in the air, more wind blew in the faces of both of them. 

“You don’t get why is everyone trying to be kind to you. Frustrating, isn’t it?” 

“It… kind of is.” Spinel shrugged. “And the worst thing is that it makes me feel even more awful-” 

“That they’re all being so kind and there’s nothing good that you can do in return! You’re like a-”

“A burden! Some toy that was pulled apart, that everyone is trying to put back together now for some damn reason!” 

“Well I would have said a broken gem, but close enough.” Lapis flapped her wings more, “And the whole concept of being allowed to be happy just feels so… foreign, isn’t it?” 

“The concept of what now.” Spinel said with a smile to indicate that she was kidding this time, “It’s like - what good have I done to you all, to deserve any of it? Screwed up is all I did so far." 

“I’ll screw up at any time.”

“Yeah! I know I will, and I know I’ll inevitably hurt people.” 

“And like… You can’t trust people.” Lapis checked if she was flying in the right direction briefly. 

“Yeah. Security is a lie.” 

“Truly. Though, you know what's even worse?” 

“What?” 

“It's only half the problem that it’s so hard to trust people again when you’ve been hurt. But the other, bigger half of this problem is that… it’s even harder to trust yourself. How can you trust that you won’t hurt people again?”

Spinel actually held back onto Lapis by now. 

“Golly gee, you really do get it. I just don’t trust myself at all at this point.” 

“Like you’re a monster that needs to be contained, or isolated from people?” 

“Yeah!” 

“So that you can’t hurt anyone anymore.”

“Exactly!” 

“You know what that means, right?” Lapis suddenly grinned wide and knowing. 

Spinel glared. 

“...Whaaa?” 

“That means that you  _ care  _ not to hurt people. And that’s a kindness towards others.” 

Spinel puffed her cheeks in a grimace. 

“...Drop me down.” 

“Nope!” 

Lapis did however hold Spinel closer, as she launched down back below the clouds. It appears they’ve covered quite a distance, and were now soaring much lower to the Earth, right above the tops of the trees in some unfamiliar but mysteriously alluring forest. 

Spinel wished she could have gone there with Steven. 

“Steven once showed me around the Earth and gave a really profound speech about… how everything on Earth changes.” 

“Steven does that. Always being so… good at knowing the right words to make you feel better.” 

“He is really good… Hmpf. Spinel? How does it feels? ...To be in love?” 

Lapis suddenly felt a hand loop around her neck. 

“ _ ...Lapis Lazuli, if you’re thinking of  _ ** _my _ ** _ Steven Universe, I swear-” _

“Pffft, Spinel, No!” Lapis laughed as if her life wasn’t getting threatened at the moment. “It’s not about Steven. I… kinda like another gem. But I’m afraid to tell her about it. And I wanted to ask you, since we seem to share a mindset. Kind of.” 

“Oh. M… my bad?” Spinel retreated her limb, as Lapis shrugged it off. “What do you wanna… know about it? I don’t know if my love with Steven can be example worthy though.” 

“Yeah, exactly what I need. That’s what I want to know. We’re both broken and we fucked up a lot.”

“...Fair point.” 

“So I wanted to know how does it… feels? To be imperfect and in love? What do you do when you upset him? Do you worry that you’re bad for him often?”

“I don’t worry often.”

“Oh, that’s a relief-”

“I just know that I'm bad constantly.” 

Lapis bit her lower lip. 

“I’ve already fucked up beyond repair, It’s just that Steven is really kind and forgiving to me.” 

“Yeah. What do you feel about that?” 

“You know, Lazuli? I think I like this about you.”

“Like what about me?”

“You  _ do  _ have a use for me.” Spinel giggled, “So this is not a one sided desire to help me that’s coming from you.” 

“I wouldn’t say… well… whatever makes you feel good about it, I guess.” Lapis shrugged.

“So… Messing up with Steven, yeah? See, the thing is - I really really really love him. I don’t even know if this is what they call love or something… Steven is no stranger to it, but this is still something stranger to me… It’s like a game with the rules he knows of, and so do I. But those rules are unspoken of and so weird. And…” 

Spinel trailed off as she glanced down at the sights they passed by. Tree tops have long ago been replaced by the fields that resembled an ocean as they drowned in colourful and fragrant flowers. And then they flew over the ocean itself, seeing their reflections on the surface of this emerald shining water. The smell of water was salty and fresh, just like the two gems who flew above it. 

Lapis descended down, and then just above the water, Spinel reached a hand towards its surface, tracing a line that formed into an arrow that followed the two. She smiled faintly. Strangely content. 

“I love Steven. The world is kind of grey to me. But when I’m with him… everything turns so colourful. Everything feels so warm. I feel so calm. When he holds me I feel so safe. Like I belong, like I have a place where I’m wanted and needed. And… I feel it in him. I see that he loves me too. And I don’t feel like I deserve it, or like there’s that much good in me for him to love me for… but… but damn! Damn, I love him! And I want him to be with me! Am I… selfish?.. Or do I secretly love myself so much that I want to be happy? I… don’t know!” 

Lapis flapped her wings, making the ocean give her a boost as she launched back higher into the sky. They flew over some open valley in between rocky mountains now. 

“That sounds so familiar... Sorry, keep talking Spinel.” 

“Sometimes he actually makes me think that there’s something good in me, since he sees it. It’s got to be there, he can't be fundamentally wrong about me…”

“It’s weird, right? How some people can just act like there’s something good about us that we're not seeing.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Like, how can they know us better than we would know ourselves? And yet… She thinks there’s something safe about me, and I don’t get it.” 

“Who, Peridot?” 

“Yeah, she- wait, wah!!” 

Startled by the guess, Lapis stopped abruptly, dropping Spinel out of her hands. 

Spinel fell down, like a dropped toy, feeling something familiar… 

Falling. Falling down, watching as Steven stayed on the rooftop, reaching a hand towards her helplessly… She hurt him back then, she guessed. 

And now it stung her. Out of nowhere, the pain of realization shot through her. It hurt Steven when she was hurt. Just like any pain hurt both of them when they were Pink Calcite. 

Oh. That’s what they were. Pink Calcite, just like any fusion, was the physical representation of their relationship. And even when they unfused, Pink Calcite was still there. It was a sense of sharing a life. Nothing Spinel hid from Steven, and nothing Steven hid from Spinel. They shared feelings, emotions, secrets, everything. 

Did that mean they also shared… insecurities? Fears? Pain? 

Spinel suddenly remembered that she was falling to her shattering. She got a grip on herself, turned over, and extended her hand out, sending it to punch the ground below. 

The impact left a decent hole in the dirt, but at least Spinel slowly descended down, as she controlled her descend now that she was grounded. 

Spinel hopped onto the ground, retracting her hand and looking around. It was a valley. There were flowers and grass all around. But not where Spinel had landed her fist. She was now in a little crater of bare dirt and flowers that were ripped out of the soil by her. 

How symbolic. Yet another aftermath of her actions that ruined something. Just like she almost ruined Steven’s whole planet… 

Spinel stepped back, walking until she stepped into the grass again. She kept walking backwards, trying to see the whole picture before her eyes. A little valley that was surrounded by mountains, a small river that streamed just nearby. A bit of snow visible on the tops of the mountains in the distance, and some trees that covered the line where they met the ground level of the valley. The seagulls flying up above the valley in a “V” formation, the bees pollinating the flowers she hadn’t killed. A beige bunny hopped around somewhere in the taller grass, next to a burrow in a hill nearby. 

Life was blooming in the valley that this little doll of a gem had fallen into. 

Spinel was looking at it as she took one more step back - and then she fell. She rolled over a few times, before she collected herself up again. Looking around, Spinel found herself in… another crater. It seemed more man-made. Very similar to the one she just made, but… so different. So much older too, so it seemed as it was… filled with grass and flowers, just like everything around. An unnatural hole in the ground it was, but it was covered with life. 

“...It heals.” She mumbled. 

Lapis finally showed up, calling out for Spinel with worry in her voice. She spotted Spinel and flew towards her, landing next to her. 

“I’m so sorry - are you alright?!” 

“It heals.” 

“Huh?”

Spinel pointed around herself. 

“Humans were here. Or maybe a rock fell from the sky. And it left a bare hole in the ground. But… time passed. And the grass grew back again. And the flowers bloomed again. Life came back here. So… maybe…” 

Spinel laid down on her back, looking up at the sky. She kept her knees bent up, and her arms crossed over her gem. 

“Maybe if the dirt can heal… so can I?” 

Lapis’s worry quieted down as she smiled softly, laying down next to her and staring up as well. She placed one leg over another; one arm over her chest and one behind her head to prop it up. 

“Maybe so can we.” 

The clouds slowly passed by above the two. 

~ ~ ~ 

“What the _ fuck _ do you mean she just fucking grabbed Spinel and fucking left in unknown trajectory?!” Steven asked Peridot calmly.

~ ~ ~ 

“Yeah, didn’t you notice her do that?”

“To be fair I was a little busy breaking the fuck down.”

“Well, it happened. I noticed that Peridot held onto me. Wouldn’t it have made more sense if she helped me hold you by, you know, holding you, and not me?” 

Spinel nodded, rubbing the back of her head against the dirt below. 

“Yeah, that does makes sense. So I guess she is somewhat drawn to you.” 

“It’s not like I don’t like her back… I mean, I guess she’s kinda cute… charming in her own way. She has a nice voice… and she is pretty knowledgeable… Kind of a nerd but in a cute way, you know? And she-”

“I got it, I got it. You “ _ kinda _ ” like her. To the point, Kowalski.” 

“And I… kinda want to know what it would be like if we… I dunno…” Lapis tapped the grass below her hand nervously. “...Were in love or something like that.” 

Then she sat up suddenly, grabbing onto her head. “I’m just… so afraid! I don’t want to end up being bad to her or taking my anger out on her. Or, or fusing and having it go wrong, and…” 

Spinel reached a hand and patted Lapis’ back softly. The blue gem shivered at first, but quickly registered that it was just Spinel, and accepted the comfort. 

How curious. So, that’s what it was like to others when Spinel had a red light for comforting her physically? Well, that… wasn’t so bad to deal with after all. Lapis laid back down and kept talking. 

“Yeah. And you’re… no offense - you’re kinda way worse at this whole “self love” thing than me.” 

“Yeah, fair. I am.” 

“So you kind of… give me hope.” 

Spinel raised an eyebrow at her, prompting a further elaboration. 

“When I see that despite everything that happened and every way that you hate yourself in - you’re still here, in love with him... it just gives me hope for myself. You’re filled with hope too, aren’t you? Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself - it’s very noticable. You hope that you can be better for him.”

“Mmm… not really. I think between hope and despair, I am very much feeling the second more often. I gave up on trying to be better, so I’m just kinda… being what he wants me to be now.”

“It’s noticeable. And… I get that feeling.” 

“Which one?”

“The despair. I’ve been there… been  _ stuck  _ there for a while, you could say.” Lapis smiled painfully at her own pun of her pain.

Spinel shrugged at her. 

“But really. You didn’t shatter yourself. That means there…  _ is  _ hope in you that things can get better.” 

It was Spinel’s turn to bite her lips, as she had to correct Lazuli. 

“But I  _ wanted _ to shatter myself, so many times.” 

“But you didn’t!”

“But I was so ready to…”

“And you’re still here! You made it here! Spinel… you’re here.” 

Spinel stared at her with no argument, before she turned her attention to the sky. A cloud in a shape of a butterfly passed over the two. 

"...I'm here." 

"That's how you give me hope, Spinel. Since if you managed to climb out of everything that happened to you… maybe so can I?" 

Spinel thought about her words. "I'm honestly not even trying to make you feel anything here, let alone hope." 

"But that's how you make me feel nonetheless." 

"That's interesting, you know… I guess… I guess I could never know how am I going to end up making people feel. I thought everything would be fine and then I hurt someone. Then I thought I would hurt your feelings, but apparently I gave you hope. So… maybe I shouldn't worry so much about the other's perception of me and my words, since I can't control it?" 

"You could use worrying less. On Earth at least, things just sort of… happen. And sometimes it feels like you're just watching it go by… from a… mirror. Or a bubble." 

"Girl tell me about it." 

"I am telling you. Things just happen and sometimes there's nothing to do about it. So you just gotta stick to whatever you want in life." 

Spinel nodded at her words, reevaluating her life. 

"What do you want in life, Lapis?"

"Security. And you?"

"Steven to be happy."

Lapis reached her hand towards Spinel. 

"Let's pursue having that one day. And stay in touch about our progress.

Reluctantly, Spinel eventually took and shook her hand back, smiling at Lapis with much more trust than she had for her before they flew up this morning. 

"Yeah. Let's do that… friend." 

Lapis smiled back, getting up and stretching out. 

"Let's go home. We have gemfriends to make happy." 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven paced around while Peridot looked through her device. 

"You said you would make her come back?" Steven held his hands together in worry, "You have no idea what Spinel can do if she's… separated from me. Unwillingly. For too long. Or for any time, really." 

"I'm trying to reach her, alright!" 

"How exactly? Are you contacting her, does she have her own communication device? Or…"

Peridot pressed some buttons on her tablet. Then she turned it for Steven to see that for the last 10 minutes she has been actively trying to get Lapis to come back by posting tweets about it. 

Steven facepalmed, rubbing his hand down his face. 

Something appeared in the sky, above the two. Like a hawk, it made a sudden descent down… and Lapis soon landed right besides Peridot, setting Spinel down carefully. 

"Spinel!" Steven cheered, seeing her. 

Spinel opened her arms and Steven ran towards her, hugging her tightly and placing his face against hers. 

"Aww, did'cha miss me?" Spinel smiled at him. 

Steven leaned back, still holding onto Spinel as he smiled at her lovingly. 

"I was worried. Sorry, I didn't think Lapis would take you away for a flight and scare you." 

"Pffft, scare? I wasn't scared at all. We had a nice chat with her." 

Steven got confused by her words. 

"Really?"

"Yeah, she showed me some cool clouds. And we talked about our feelings." 

Spinel winked at Lapis. Lapis returned the gesture, then she focused her attention back on Peridot and her tablet, as the latter showed her what she did in her absence. 

"You talked with her about your feelings?" Steven asked almost in disbelief, although that seemed logical. Their traumas were similar, just like their experience with Jasper. But somehow he didn't think that Lapis would manage to make Spinel spill so fast. Maybe he underestimated them both?

"I'm so glad for you. I hope it made you feel better." 

Spinel raised her hands, putting them over Steven's shoulders. 

"It sure did, honey pie. Helped put something into a new perspective." 

Steven chuckled, momentarily forgetting that the world around them existed. He had his hands around Spinel's body. It was marvelous just how neatly she fit right into his palms. 

He leaned his face a little closer to her own. 

"Come on, tell me what did you two talk about me? Don't tease me like this..." 

"Teehee, "tease"? Are we playing a game?"

The boy's smile turned into a pout. Right. There was still this abyss between them. The only thing the two did not share yet. The sacred human rituals of intimacy. 

Spinel noted his smile dropping. Oh no. No, don't do that, no. She wants him to smile, she wants him to be happy. 

What did she say or do that he pouted at?

No. 

Wait. 

It's not about what she did before. It's about what she can do now. 

What can she do now to make him smile again? Can she say something? Do something? Do something… 

Spinel stood on her tippy toe and leaned her face closer to Steven's, softly placing her lips against his own. The boy gasped in surprise, but kept holding her in his hands. It was a simple feather like touch of one pair of lips against the other. She leaned back down, looking to see if it made him feel any better. 

Steven held one hand up to his mouth, his cheeks turning a curious shade of pink by now. He looked at Spinel again… 

And then he smiled in a flustered way. Giggling a little as he kept a hand on his cheek. 

Spinel beamed up. She made him happy. She really did! Just now, she… 

_ Whoa. _

After everything she's been through, after every worst thing that she thought of herself… she still managed to make Steven happy. 

And she never would have done that now if she had shattered herself back then. 

Spinel held tighter onto Steven, placing her head on his shoulder. The boy was caught confused by the relocation, but quickly adjusted, hugging her accordingly. 

She sought comfort. And he was there to give it. And he would always be there to give it to her. 

He felt her breathing reach his neck. 

...As of today, one thing that Steven decided  _ firmly _ on, no matter how  _ hard _ that could turn out to be, is that he will have  _ a talk _ with Spinel, once they are safe and alone. A talk they had a long time ago, now a topic they would renew. Perhaps she was not in the best place of mind for it. But her being ready to accept anything he said was still a better state than her trying to take the lead out of her fears and insecurities. 

~ 

Lapis laughed, watching Peridot show her all the efforts she made to bring her back sooner. So intelligent and yet so silly sometimes. Such a cute combination. So alluring. 

Peridot looked up at Lapis. A gem with such curious morality, such powerful attitude. And such fascinating sense of fashion. 

The two gems turned their attention to Steven and Spinel, just in time to see the two kiss softly and get all giggly about it. 

Then they looked at each other, smiling and laughing about that sight. 

And each of them thought the same thing. 

_ One day… One day… it'll be us.  _

~ ~ ~ 

“You two have fun. Don’t forget your nutrients. Wear hats when the temperature drops below +5 Celsius. Connie, keep your sword sharpened, you never know where the enemy might jump at you. Marine, I’m trusting you to make sure my daughter goes to sleep at a reasonable time.” Doctor Maheswaran instructed the two girls, before she gave her daughter one more hug, and closed the door to the house behind herself. 

“Jee your mom is  _ really _ caring.” Marine said, hurrying Connie to walk away from the house. 

It was evening already, and they had yet to make their way back. 

“You haven’t met her years ago. She used to be worse at it. She really wanted to control everything about my life and make sure I had no interests outside of what she wanted for me…” 

“That really so?”

“Okay, well, maybe it was only sword wielding and lion riding that just happened to be on a “black list” for me. But she was very much against it when she found out about it.” Connie shrugged, “She later ended up letting me go to space to fight in an intergalactic war. So… there was a development there.” 

Marine nodded, looking to the side as she tried to remember something of her own. Her smile faded at the memories. Connie noticed that Marine zoned out into her own mind. 

“What about you?” She tapped her elbow. “What was your mom like?”

Marine sighed, fixing her hair off her face, “I barely remember her. Can’t say she really liked me much… I think she treated me like some sort of a project. But also… I might not have even known her.”

“How so? Sorry, maybe you don’t want to tell me?” 

“It’s fine, it’s just that… my memories of her are really weird. So I might have dreamt up knowing her at all. Dad always gets sad when I ask him about her, and tells me she didn’t stick around much after I was born.” 

“What do you remember of her?” 

Marine took Connie’s hand into her own. 

“Promise you won’t laugh?” 

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Connie promised. 

“I think my mom had blue skin.” 

Connie did not laugh. 

“Do you think I dreamt that up?” 

“Eh, that might as well be true. I mean, my other friend’s mom was a pink skinned alien princess jester who left her abusive family behind when she pretended to have a war with herself.” 

“That’s rough, buddy.” 

“Sorry if I don’t seem impressed by your memory?” Connie joked, “Blue skinned mom sounds tame.” 

“Yeah.” Marine stretched, yawning, “I haven’t seen her most of my life anyways. I’m sure it’s a story of the past now. No reasons to bring it up. I live now, with people that I have in my life now.” 

The two exchanged soft smiles at each other, both agreeing with the undertones of the statement, as they slowly walked the dimly lit streets… 

~ ~ ~ 

Somewhere far away, on a distant forgotten hollow hearted moon, a little pink pearl reformed. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be back on the angst ride eventually, so savour the peace. 
> 
> The next chapter planned can't quite be described with the word "peace" though.   
If I had to pick a word for it... I'd like to say "spicy".


	24. The Fertilizer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be skipped if mild smut is not what you want to read about them having. There is nothing story related in this chapter.   
This is just smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have waited _ 19 Chapters _ for this. And I bet so did you.   
Or perhaps you did not. In which case, skip to the next chapter. Nothing you'll miss out on.

It seemed like a good position to start a conversation like this in. Steven and Spinel were in Steven's room, on the bed they had shared for so long - it was rightfully dubbed "theirs". Spinel was the one laying down on her back, with her heart shaped gem in place and for the world to see. And Steven rested by her side, holding her hand in his own and keeping his head over her chest, close to her gem. It may have been her mental state that made her shrink herself smaller than she usually was, or maybe she was always that small that her body offered almost no chest area for Steven to rest his head on. Placing his head over her gem didn't sound like a rather comfortable idea either. He could have fallen asleep with his face over his own phone and have the same sensations. Except his phone was warm sometimes. 

This had to be brought up. This has to be discussed. This tear had to be stitched. This abyss had to be jumped. Or at least Steven had to try. He'll do fine if he can never have intercourse with Spinel. It's just that he wanted to have a way to make her feel good, like loving pairs do. 

"Spinel." 

"Yes?"

"Do you remember… back when we just started hanging out. There was this one time… with the cake…" 

"That one time that you asked me to forget about, little horsey." 

"Yes. Because it wasn't the right time. But…"

"The time is right to talk about it now?"

"No. But it's less bad than other times." Steven turned his head, hiding his face against Spinel's shoulder pad in embarrassment. "It's not easy to talk about… though it should be… look, it's just that…" 

"I get it, Stevie." 

Steven raised his head to look at her, and found a soft smile looking back at him. 

"I know what you want. I watched some human videos about it." 

"W-what human videos?" 

Spinel shrugged, chuckling, "Videos where humans were having sex, silly. Hehehe, oh look’at’chu, so flustered all of a sudden." 

Steven coughed slightly. His cheeks turning somewhat pink at the way she said that phrase. That one word especially. 

After about half a minute, the meaning of what she said caught up to Steven. 

"Wait, you watched what now?" 

"I had a lot of free time a while ago…" she clenched his hand in her own, "So I did some research on humans. On… the ways they can make each other happy. I thought maybe…" her voice dropped along with her hair, "Maybe I wasn't being good enough anymore. I thought so when I wasn't feeling mad." 

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way." Steven let go of her hand, hugging her body and placing his head back down, below her chin. "You're always good enough for me. You don't have to learn anything to impress me, I already love you." 

"Well duh, I want to impress you though. To surprise you." Spinel patted his head. "I want to make you happy after all." 

"Mhm…"

"So I can shapeshift anything you want."

"Shapeshift anything? For what?" 

"For us to have sex, silly pants." 

Steven shot up to sit and look at her. His eyes were as wide as the moon that lit the night sky. 

"I- what?"

"I mean, you can tell me what you're into, I can just make myself have that to make you happy. I get that I'm kind of… not a human in that sense. But I wanna be making you happy  _ anyway  _ I can."

Steven stared at her with a pretty reddened face. And with… a subtle relief. So, she felt the same about him after all. He also wanted to make her feel good. That's half way into having sex properly - mutual desire to please each other and consent to go lengths for it, as much as was up to each one's comfort. 

"Spinel, dear… that's very nice of you. I… love you." 

"I wuv you too, teehee." 

"But your shape or what you can give yourself isn't my concern. It's not even crucial at all." 

She raised an eyebrow at him, squinting her eyes. 

"You just wanna watch me the way I am while you-"

"Uhm, no, it's just…"

" _ Ooooh _ wait, right. I don't have to give myself anything new, right. I got'cha, mine digger." She winked at him, sticking her tongue out playfully, then licking her lips.

Steven held a hand to his cheek at her gestures, as if trying to hide his blushing. 

"Spinel, this isn't about  _ how  _ to do it. There's something else that's important about it." 

"Oh, right, right. Ehem…" Spinel nodded her head proudly, closing her eyes in content. "I consent." 

"That's good to hear. So do I. But please, listen to me. This isn't about what do you have or how we can do it. It's that… I want to make  _ you  _ feel good." 

Spinel's eyes opened at him in confusion now. Somewhere inside her little head, two cogs bumped against each other and started to smoke up. Again. 

"...Of course. I'll be very happy to make  _ you _ happy!" She tried to slither out of it. 

Steven sighed, placing a hand at his forehead.  _ Stars, give me strength.  _

"Yes. You do make me happy. You love me. And I love you too. You're not my toy, you're my gemfriend. I don't want to use you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I want this to be mutual. So if we are to have… ehem…  _ sex _ … then I want you to feel as good as I know I will!" 

It felt nice to finally put the cards on the table as they were. Steven felt like he had waited 19 chapters of his life events to finally bring this up. 

“...I know.” Spinel sighed back. “I… don’t know how I feel about this.” 

“Sorry, if you don’t want us to, we won’t-”

“I don’t know how to feel about  _ you _ making  _ me _ happy.” 

With her heart being right side up and on her sleeve, she still had no mental strength to mask her feelings. 

“I’m not used to this.” 

“I know. So I was thinking… maybe you just need to be shown things… and you’ll find that you like it? Being cared about and feeling safe, you know?” 

Spinel ran her hands around Steven’s torso, bringing the boy closer and hugging him lovingly. She held him to close to the heart gem that he warmed mentally so much. 

“I love you, Steven.” 

“I love you too.” The boy said, turning his head to face her at this awkward angle. At least he was having a good look of her gem before him. 

“I do trust that I can be safe with you.” She added. 

“I know. I just…” He was looking down at her gem. The quintessence of the being he loved so truly and deeply, “Wish I had a way to make you feel good.” 

He leaned down, and by a subconscious will, he planted a little kiss on her cold gem. 

_ “Ah...”  _

Spinel covered her mouth, surprised at her own reaction. What… was that feeling? It felt like his lips traveled through her gem, and she felt a soft touch where she never knew she could feel it. And it felt so warm, just like the warmth he gave her soul so often. 

When she dared look at Steven - she found him staring back at her, equally surprised. But he was just a little more happy about the sudden revelation. 

“...Are you okay?” 

“...Yes.” 

“Did that hurt?”

“No! No, that… felt kinda… warm.” She kept her mouth covered. “...Oh _ , that’s _ why you’re so flustered about it all the time…” 

Steven nodded quietly. 

Progress. Just a single baby step of a progress. But what a step! She  _ can _ feel things with special sensitivity, just like humans! Or maybe it’s a special spinel thing. Or maybe it’s because Steven is half a diamond. For whatever reason it happened, whatever they have owed to stars for aligning in the way that allowed for this to happen between them - they were thankful for it. At least Steven was. 

“Do you… want me to do it again?” 

It was now or never. It was  _ now.  _ Or  _ never. _

...Or maybe it wasn’t.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to- I mean, I just thought if it made you feel good, I could… do it more… but you should tell me! Tell me if you don’t want more of that!” 

Spinel’s eyes trembled at him. She lowered her hand from her mouth and curled it up into a relaxed fist. Still holding onto Steven’s shoulder with her other hand. 

“Steven?…” As Spinel spoke, Steven waited patiently, ready to proceed with this just as much as he was ready to quit it all now and never ever bring it up again. “...You can do it again.” 

Steven beamed up, but tried to keep it low. He didn’t want her mistakenly thinking that this was being done for him, or making him too happy. This was being done for Spinel. This was about her. Steven wanted this to be about her. 

This is not exactly how he had imagined their first time would go. He imagined there would be more dominance in Spinel’s hands, and less control in his own. But life is a very random thing, and right now he just wanted to make Spinel feel good. Maybe in the future they could switch it up… 

Before his mind wandered away into all the fantasies he previously had about this, Steven returned to the moment at hand. To the heart gem stuck in this body that he held in both of his hands. 

“You can tell me to stop at any moment. Remember that. Okay?”

Spinel nodded. And looked intently when Steven lowered his head down, giving her gem another little kiss. Then a slightly stronger one. He watched her reaction and listened. Spinel returned a hand to her mouth, but there was a noticeable purple shade of a blush appearing on her cheeks. Her breathing became slow and deep. 

Steven was about as shy about this as Spinel was to receive it. But he knew he wanted this. And he knew she wanted this, or at least she wasn’t stopping him, and seemed to be between feeling scared and curious. Fair reaction, if Steven had to guess. He wasn’t exactly experienced more than she was. 

He also only heard of this before. So in a way it made it a little better that they were both new to it. Not like there could have been anyone to give them any sort guidance in this pink cloud field of intimate love. 

He just had to remember: This wasn’t a competition. This wasn’t a test. This wasn’t a Must Do. Not a responsibility, not what they owed to do to each other for any reason. 

This was being done for the purpose of both of them to feel good. 

Anyways, was this connected to his salvia? Well, anything would have made sense at this point. And so Steven, blushing across his whole face with deep pink hue, tried to give her gem a little lick. 

A hand landed on his hair momentarily. 

Steven raised up, looking at Spinel. Waiting to be told to stop. Ready to stop. 

Spinel looked at him. Her eyes had no spirals in them at all, although they seemed to grow bigger in size at everything that was happening to her. 

She also waited. She was starting to feel good about this. A little weird at first, but the further Steven went into this process - the warmer, the better she felt. So was it fair to say she got scared? She had a right to feel scared. This experience was even more new than anything that happened to her so far. So she decided she needed to see something first. A little test. 

“Want me to stop?” Steven nodded, withdrawing his hands to show that he was ready to stop it all, had she said a word. 

Spinel looked up at him, faint hearts appearing in her eyes. Then she sighed with relief, finally taking the hand away from her mouth. She reached for Steven, and pushed him back down, towards her gem. 

“I want you to keep going.” She whispered, content with it. 

The quiet and breathy tone suddenly made Steven feel like the free space in his pants suddenly shrunk a little. But he couldn’t think about that right now. This wasn’t about him. This was about Spinel. Steven nodded, going back down on her gem. 

Spinel found weird serenity in this - the fact that even when she thought she wouldn’t say a word against Steven’s desires and will, even when she was the one who was being done things to as she laid and did nothing but sigh about it - she still held control of the situation in her hands. 

Was this power bottoming? Or was this just bottoming? Just a while ago letting anyone - even Steven - control her and hold her down and do things to her would have been a disaster accompanied with a panic attack. But right now… it all suddenly felt fine. She tried to stop it, and she saw so clearly that Steven was ready to stop it all completely, maybe he would even stop holding her if she asked for it. 

It comforted her. She wasn’t just safe in his arms. She was safe to be free at any moment. 

The boy passed the test. 

And now the boy stuck his tongue out and licked her gem again. Not exactly what he thought he would be licking to make his loved one happy one day, but such is life - unpredictable. People do say all humans have it different “down there” after all. Spinel was the one with a gem as her most sensitive spot. A gem on her chest. 

...So then, did this classify as licking her chest or privates? 

That question certainly classified as unnecessary right now. Only thing that mattered is Spinel and Making Spinel Happy. 

Spinel was making curious and adorable noises. It was apparent she was hiding them at first, but the more Steven worked on her gem - the louder she would sigh. The louder she would…  _ moan _ . 

She was moaning, sighing from the pleasure he was bringing to her with his touch. The gloved hands on his hair and shoulder gripped him harder, keeping him close. Spinel liked it, with a guilty sense of pleasure, she loved whatever was happening. It was making her sigh out, tense up and let go in tact with him. She never knew anything like that. Didn’t even know she was capable of feeling anything like this. Not even kissing Steven made her feel this way before. But she bowed her head down low for this pleasure now, and only wished it would take her away and never let her come for air from the depths of this haze. 

“ _ Ah, Steven... _ ” She sighed his name out after another drawn lick, and the boy almost lost his focus. 

He had to remind himself that this particular experience was not being done for him or his pleasure, although hearing Spinel moan his name like that certainly stroked both his ego and his other ego-dependant body part, mentally. 

He thought of their previous “first time”, if one would even call it that. The boy had no control of his actions, and Spinel was just there, letting him get whatever brought him over the edge and letting him ride it out. 

(Connie’s face as Spinel told her she "rode Steven" still sometimes haunted his nightmares though.)

And now… now the roles had swapped, apparently. Spinel was not in a best state of mind, but she wanted this - she needed this. And Steven… was in charge? In control? He was taking the lead, certainly. He always dreamt of not being the one to take lead for once, and hoped to find that with Spinel. But now that he once again had to take matters into his hands… this actually wasn’t so bad. They could switch back one day. But for now… this kinda felt nice. 

The way her body moved and struggled underneath his hands, the way his mouth alone made her moan and call out for him to give her more of that heavenly pleasure. The way she gripped onto him… 

Gripped. Tension. He was raising her tension, he was making her more and more aroused. He was rising the amount of pleasure she was receiving… so, what's next? Spinel wouldn’t exactly “finish” like a human, would she? Steven did note that her gem was getting warmer under his ministrations. 

So what would be the finish line for her? There was indeed only one way to find that out, but Steven would have preferred to know what was he going for. Not much he could have done for this by now, but keep going. 

Spinel turned her head to the side, breathily whispering for Steven to keep going, to lick her right there, and in between all else words she may have said something about belonging to Steven and having him have fun doing this. He was certainly having fun, a little too into this to even notice what exactly was she saying besides calling for him. Needing him.  _ Wanting _ him. He melted over that feeling - over feeling so wanted by her.

Lucky for him, Spinel did not notice when he started bucking his own hips at the gem that had nothing to offer for that need of his, spare for her presence. Though previous experience proves that could have been enough. 

"Spinel…" Steven sighed her name sweetly, trying to keep himself focused on her gem that was warming up and starting to shine at him. 

Shining… fusion. Is that where this was going? That probably would not have been a good idea, considering the last time they fused. Spinel seemed to be relishing the current experience very much though.  _ Very _ much so…

Spinel crossed her legs behind Steven's back, and held the boy by the shoulders, bringing him closer. Her breathing went in tact with Steven's licks of her gem, which the boy fastened as he went. 

How fascinating. Steven imagined it would look somewhat like this. This was the part where he could not stop now. He had to keep going and make sure she would ride it out so good - for her first time after all - that she would not be afraid or ashamed to do it again. 

He had to be good enough for her. 

The boy felt like he could come too right now, at least from the loving look in her eyes and the mixture of pleasure and shyness in her whole being. 

"You're so good…" He encouraged, feeling thankful that he got used to the temperature of her gem as it warmed up. It was reaching a dangerously warm condition. It was burning under his touch, burning with passion… 

Passion for Steven. For him. All for him. 

Spinel was all for him. And Steven was all for her. 

Steven drooled over her gem, placing his lips hard against it, while Spinel screamed out his name. The light of her gem lit the whole room, and it got joined by the light of a pink diamond's shine as well. Nothing better that Steven thought of doing, as he buried his face into her body, coming too. 

Two forms of light lost their shapes in that shine momentarily… but parted as soon as they realised that it happened. 

Steven found himself looming over Spinel on his fours, catching his breath as he checked if she was okay. Spinel laid openly and completely relaxed below him, also catching her breath that was still deep and ragged. Her limbs were relaxed, one of her palms even fell over the edge of the bed and she made no effort to reel it back in. She was catching her breath too, a need she never even knew she was capable of. 

Spinel looked up at Steven, smiling softly. She laughed about whatever had just happened, a soft and light cheerful giggle. Everything suddenly felt so good and right, as if nothing was wrong in the world. As if she had nothing to fear and nothing to worry about. Just this moment, just her and her Steven in it. Just the way he looked at her and the way his hand cupped her tired head. 

So many things passed by the boy’s mind at that moment. He wanted to ask if she felt good, despite that being written on her face in 48 text size of Times New Roman font. He still worried if she would have said that she felt wrong having done this, or that she masked anything again. She wasn’t masking anything anymore, right? 

Steven cupped her head carefully, with a million things to say. But when he looked her in the eyes - only one of them came out of his mouth.

“I love you, Spinel.” 

Spinel held onto his hand with her own, looping it around his elbow. 

“I love you too, Steven.” 

Content with that reply, Steven laid back down by her side. Only a little discomfort was present now, just below his belt. But he could pretend it wasn’t there. Not like Steven would get up and go clean himself if he wanted to now. He had something far more important at hand right now - Spinel. Spinel, who finally reeled her limbs back in, and hugged Steven, sighing dreamily as she nuzzled her tried face against him. Steven held her too, that little body fit so well in his arms, like it was meant to be held just by him. No one else’s arms. Spinel was so beautiful. Only so beautiful for him. Not for anyone else… 

The two fell asleep together. 

~ ~ ~ 

When Steven and Spinel made their way down the stairs, they saw a banner hanging up just before their faces. The letters on it seemed to be written with a confident and strong hand that knew exactly how to space the letters for them to take up the banner accurately and neatly. As if that someone had future vision. 

The banner said “Congratulations!” 

Spinel tilted her head in confusion. Steven facepalmed, again. But then he laughed, laughed about it. As silly as that was, Garnet was right. This was an event worthy of celebration. 

Steven had just found out that he could give Spinel what he wanted to give her for so long. Now is when her offer to shapeshift anything he wanted would be justified to be taken. Now is when Steven knew he had a way to take her stress off on a bad day. Now is when he held her hand in his own, knowing that they would share one more human thing in their future life. 

Now was the time to celebrate, even if it was only between the two of them… 

But now was not the time to relax. The rainclouds loomed over their shiny future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Pops a non alcoholic beverage bottle open] A congratulation! Here's for celebration.


	25. The Right Pot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel rethinks her recent decisions.   
And makes a new mental choice.  
Steven kind of dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Steven doesn't die, don't worry.

_ Why did I do that?  _

Spinel paced around Steven's bedroom, alone in the room. 

_ But… in the moment, it didn't feel wrong. It… actually felt nice. Kinda even… safe. It felt so good to just let go of my fears for a second and pretend that… everything was normal. That I was normal.  _

Spinel put her hands together, tapping her fingers nervously. Then she hugged herself. 

_ I actually… wanted that experience. Wanted to feel like a normal, healthy gem for a day. What's wrong with me?  _

Spinel sunk down to the floor, letting her hands spaghetti down besides her. 

_ Why did I trust Lapis?  _

_ Why did I spill my feelings? She must have thought I was weak and whiny. Why did I talk about healing so much? She must have thought I was being overly sentimental.  _

_ So why’d… why’d I keep talking, and she kept talking, and we just kept talking and understanding each other, and…  _

Spinel reached for her hair, tugging it down. Her eyes open wide in fear. 

_ ...Did I just make a friend? _

Spinel put her hands down and apart on the floor, looking down at the space between them. And then slammed her head down hard between them, against the wooden surface. 

_ It can't be. It's not like with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. I kind of have to be friends with them here. But… Lapis most certainly owes it to no one to care about me. Oh, what the fuck?  _

Spinel raised up, looking down at her arms, and at the crack in the floor she had just formed with her head. With her head heavy of overthinking every single thing. 

_ Why did I think I was… allowed… to be safe with her? To write her down as my... friend?  _

Spinel placed her hands over her gem again. 

_ She’s better. She’s farther into the healing than I’ve ever been. Than I could ever be…  _

_ Just like Garnet. She’s so much better. And I…  _

The hands clutched the gem. 

_ Lapis… Peridot… Bismuth… Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl… Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl… All those gem I… dare call my friends. The list… grows? But...  _

_ What if I don’t stay good enough for any of them? What if I can’t be there for them? Can’t be there good enough? What if I bore them, what if... _

_ No, no. What if… if I care about them… what if they leave me behind? Hurt me? What if I fail to be a good friend? Worthy friend? Or what if I trust something to someone, and they spill it? Like Pink did when she used to tell my secrets to other gems, so they could laugh at me, and laugh, and laugh and…  _

Spinel's breathing fastened as she looked up. Finding herself in the dark room, and seeing Lapis, Peridot, Steven, and Pink Diamond laughing as they pointed their fingers at her. Pink had a hand raised up to her chin as she did that. 

_ No… no!  _

She leaped at the gems, throwing her hands through them. They poofed out of existence on impact…

Lapis reappeared, her hand around Peridot’s shoulders as she bend down to level with her. 

“...And then she said, ‘it heals’. I mean, how ridiculous is that? So sentimental, makes me want to throw up!”

The two cackled and poofed away, and then the dark clouds reappeared on the other side of the room, in the shape of Steven. 

“I know, right? She’s so demanding for attention. And I can’t say a single phrase for her not to overthink it.” 

Spinel reached her hand at Steven, but the boy poofed away. She just fell forward on her knees, a hand still reached out for the second hand that never came to hold it. 

The dark clouds formed into three figures that cast a shadow over Spinel, as they kept their backs on her. 

“Did she really think she could stay here, become out friend? It’s not like we need her.” Hissed Amethyst. 

“Did she really think I would ever forgive the awful, awful, awful thing she did!” Barked Pearl. 

“You two, quit it. Of course she didn’t.” Said Garnet. 

Spinel turned at her, looking up with a spark of hope in her eyes. 

“Of course she didn’t think! She doesn’t even know how to think like a normal gem! Do you think there’s anything in her head but her coding to make Steven happy? She doesn’t even love him, she is just coded to. But let’s stay quiet about his new toy as long as she doesn’t cause us too much trouble.” 

The three shadow gems nodded. 

And then they poofed away.

Only darkness remained. 

Only Spinel. 

She was alone, frozen in place, in the dark... 

A tap on the shoulder put her out of that state, somewhat. 

Spinel jolted, looking up at the source of it. 

_ Steven.  _

Steven sat down next to her, holding his hands out. Inviting her for a hug, but letting her come on her own accord if she found she could be comforted physically now. And in fact, she did. Spinel hugged him back, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. 

Steven recognized what she was having. He saw that before. He knew precisely what to do, or at least what not to do to help her. 

"Just breathe." 

Was it because of what they did? Steven did vaguely remember being overtaken by the guilt the first time he found out the pleasure his own body could give him, despite it being years ago. Was Spinel having that? She could have been. She just needed to be comforted about it then. Told that they did nothing wrong. Didn't she? 

"What are you seeing?" Steven asked, aware that Spinel was not seeing the same room he was seeing at the moment. 

"Empty. Dark. Left behind." Spinel whispered back numbly. 

"I won't leave you." 

Spinel hugged him tighter. Her hold was not the only one that tightened possessively in this hug. 

"Never ever, Spinel." 

"Others…" 

Steven hummed in surprise. What others? What "others" were there in her life? Other friends?

"I made friends. What if they'll leave?" 

"Oof… Spinel, friends come and go. Some stay forever. Some are temporal, in a friendship that does not last long. You can't be the friend of the whole world." Steven patted her head. "You're doing so good though. Telling me how you feel. And you know I'm always so glad to help you…" 

_ You don't even need other friends…  _

Spinel sighed, nuzzling the side of her face against him. 

"Stevie?" She said in a tone she often used to ask him for something, "Do you think Pearl will forgive me?"

"Maybe you should talk to her about it. I'm sure she's feeling better. And she's very reasonable." 

"What if I mess up worse?" 

Steven closed his eyes half way down, looking more serious. 

"Do you  _ want  _ to mess up worse? Do you want to hurt Pearl?" 

"No! Of course not!" Spinel recoiled. 

"Then what do you want to happen between you two?"

"...I'm not sure. I mean… I probably could do without her. But… there's been  _ something _ going on between us. I mean, we live in the same house now. She's dear to you, you're dear to me. She's your… family. And I kinda used to know her before. So… I guess… we should at least be good acquaintances." 

"And that means?.." 

"...That means I don't want to hurt her, I want to be friends." 

Steven patted her on the head. 

"Good. Now you just need to tell that to Pearl. Let her know how you truly feel - and it'll be alright." 

He felt Spinel shiver at the thought against his hand. 

"What if it'll go wrong again? That's exactly what I did last time." 

"Then… you'll do better this time. Every little mistakes makes you a little better at things." 

"If I fail too much, or too badly… will you help me, Stevie?" She looked up at him with hope in her eyes. 

"Of course I will." 

"...Teehee, thank you cheesecake!" 

With a sudden mood lift, Spinel kissed Steven on the cheek and got up, bouncing up and down as she waited to find out what they'll do today. 

Steven watched her from the floor still. Such a heartwarming sight she was. So beautiful in everything - her fury, her sadness, her happiness. Her mood swings and her turmoils. Her passion - which Steven was the center of. 

And all just for him. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven walked through the Beach City with Spinel's hand tied around his own. 

He was glad. Glad for many reasons. The most impactful one must have been the fact that Spinel took what they did so lightly. That she didn't run and hide in fear. She accepted Steven and what he did for her, how he finally made her relax and feel good.

The War Gems were finally dealt with, and will definitely never ever show up in their lives again, Steven thought. He didn't actually know why he thought so, but something in his subconscious - some memories that were not his own - made him feel that he didn't have to worry about them. Whatever happened to them...

Corrupted gems were saved and given new life. Diamonds were reformed. His family content. Even his own pink side was content. 

And strangely, Steven found himself content with the unforeseen way the things went. Sure, it was nothing like he imagined it would happen between him and Spinel. He dreamt of different things. He dreamt of less control in his hands, of more matters of restrictions. 

It came down to that he had an actual, vivid dream in the dark of the night, of himself looking at Spinel and seeing a dark shadow loom behind her. Whoever was that mystery figure that stood tall behind Spinel - Steven dreamt of it reaching its hands and holding onto him tightly. A hand around his neck. He did remember them resembling Spinel from at least one side. The other face belonged to a monster he didn't know. It was like a side to her personality that Steven never considered, the one that lurked beneath the surface. A monster hidden so far away - Spinel did not let it out even with Steven. 

Her pain. 

Spinel didn’t want Steven to know of all of her pain. She feared to let it all pour out, feared that once it would break out - this turmoil would swallow her whole into the darkness of despair, and not even Steven would be able to be her hope in the dark then. 

And Steven knew that about her. 

Steven looked at the soft little toy gem who snaked her arms around his own, and now skipped next to him through the city. Her? In charge? Why would she ever… 

Maybe being in charge himself wasn't as bad as Steven anticipated his whole life after all? He could get used to it. 

They walked farther and saw two of the people they meant to see that day. Lapis stood by the house to the right of them, and a familiar van with a familiar music man rested by the road to the left. To Steven's surprise, Spinel held against his arm tighter, trying not to look at Lapis. That was a surprising gesture. Haven't they became friends? But Steven let it be without wondering further into it. 

He had something more important at hand right now. 

"Spinel, I think it's about time we let people know we date openly. How do you feel about that?"

"Heh, let the world know about our love? That sounds just lovely. I like having people be aware of my existence." 

"Right. Let's start with-" 

"Ice cream!" 

Spinel suddenly let go of his hand and pointed ahead, where an ice cream van parked just few steps away from them. 

"...Sure." Steven looked through his pockets, then reached a little counter-sentimental piece of paper to Spinel. 

"Get us something and catch up, then we'll go chat with my dad." 

Spinel giggled, taking the money from his hands. And tugging at his jacket while she was at it. 

"Thank you, sundae." She cheered. 

Steven watched her skip away with his jacket and his money to get something to treat herself with. Something about being in power and  _ giving _ was playing an accord of strings in his heart. And if his whole life was spent dreading it and wanting an escape, now it was making a pleasant music in his ears. A music he felt like he rediscovered all over again, and finally learned to appreciate like he hasn't before. 

He walked off towards the music van of the music man by the road. 

Spinel skipped back with a two scoop ice cream in her hand. It was a mix of vanilla and strawberry, and the two colours of flavours twirled and swirled up its length, till all the colours met at the tip. She liked the way it mixed together when her tongue went up the distinct lines of colour, pink and pale respectively. 

Someone called her over in a familiar blue tone. 

Spinel almost choked on the cone as she looked back and over her shoulder. Right. This was probably a sign that she made a right decision about Lapis. She couldn't take worrying so much each time she'd hear her name called by other gems.

"Spinel, I'm glad to see you." Lapis jumped straight to the point as she caught up with Spinel and reached her hands in an invite for a hug. "So, how's it been? Did you and Steven do anything new?" 

Spinel stepped back, rising the ice cream up and out of Lazuli's reach. What she did with Steven was her own business. 

"Spinel? Is everything okay." 

"Lapis. About… our friendship."

Lapis gulped down in mild worry at such a start of a dialogue. 

Steven watched from a few meters away. The two gems seemed to start out fine with each other. Then as she spoke Spinel got visibly sadder, in sync with Lapis turning surprised, and then devastated. Lapis moved her hands up and shrugged, then motioned with her open palms at Spinel, then to the sky and somewhere into the distance with an astonished and saddened look. Spinel visibly shrunk a little, raising her shoulders up and trying to hide her face. 

Steven thought he heard Lapis raise her voice and say "Spinel, look at me!" as she raised her hands to the air rapidly. 

Spinel covered her head fast. 

Lapis looked shocked. She lowered her hands down, asking something with a look of disbelief and disappointment. 

Spinel looked at her again, shaking her head, then adapting a more firm posture and nodding her head with a parody of confidence as she said some sort of a final line. 

Lapis was shaking a little. She looked down at her own hands, then hugged herself, putting her head down. 

Spinel was holding her free hand over her mouth. Then she reached it towards Lapis when the latter started to shake in strange bursts, accompanied by something dripping down her lowered face. 

Lapis slapped Spinel's hand away, then grabbed the ice cream from her other hand and threw it to the ground. Then she stormed off. 

Steven walked towards Spinel and he saw that she reacted to the scene… with a relaxed sigh.

Spinel exhaled, feeling easier. It was not easy at all to say she wished to stay acquaintances with Lapis after all, but now that she did it - it felt easier on her. She felt the metal collar of expectations around her neck snap open and fall off. She no longer felt under the pressure to be a good enough friend. And she may have hurt Lapis now, but at least she won't hurt her anymore. And now Lapis couldn't hurt Spinel either because Spinel no longer… 

Because she no longer… 

Wait… She…  _ still _ cared about Lapis? But that was just going to get her hurt eventually! She may have as well given Lazuli a knife and turned her back on her. 

Someone tapped Spinel on the back. 

She jumped up and got her fists out, but then saw that it was just Steven. 

Steven patted her fists with a soft chuckle, and Spinel slowly put them down and smiled, as she felt felt relieved. 

Right, right. All she needed to care about was Steven. Steven loved her back, he would never hurt her. 

And even if he did, she'd still be okay with it. Probably. 

~ ~ ~ 

What's a "schnuball"? Whatever it was, Steven seemed happy when his dad called him that and ruffled his hair. 

Spinel leaned against Steven, carefully petting his curls back in their righteous places. She did not appreciate anyone altering her Steven's outlook. Spare for herself, although her vision couldn't compare to Steven's genious vision. 

Greg looked at the two kids before him, switching his focus between the two. The way they stood and the way Spinel held onto Steven and pet his hair back in place. 

"There's anything you want to tell your old man, Steven?" 

"You have an old man, Steven?"

Steven laughed at both statements softly. 

"No, Spinel. He's calling himself the old man. He's not old at all though. But… I guess he should know by now…" 

Steven stepped back, making some space between him and Spinel as he held her hand in his own openly. Despite his utter comfort with her, Steven could still feel his heart pound as he finally told his dad the outdated news. 

"Dad, this is Spinel. We're dating." 

So proud. Steven felt so proud of himself. So proud of Spinel for giggling softly and nuzzling up against him as he said it. And his dad smiled too, looking so proud of him. 

"I've been wondering when would you tell me." Greg rubbed the back of his head. "You two aren't exactly subtle with all the love stuff." 

"What in a world could have made you say that, dad?" Steven asked innocently, as Spinel buried her face into his neck with a soft sigh. 

"Have you been together since the last time I saw you?" 

Steven tried to recall that day. That was actually their first dating day when they last saw him. It was… a ruined event, right. But it worked out when they talked it out together. This felt an eternity ago by now.

Goodness, did Steven really not check up on his dad for a month now? 

"To be fair we've kind of always been together." Steven ran his arms around Spinel's body, holding her close and switching his focus to her fully. "It just took some time to learn it."

"We always belonged to each other." Spinel mused back, effectively forgetting that they weren't alone. 

But Steven brought that memory back into the spotlight by withdrawing his hands and letting her just stand next to him before his dad. Still, she caught a second to lean in and kiss him on the cheek. 

"That's good to hear. Funny, I always thought Connie would end up being your first girlfriend."

Spinel felt like a knife just came through her body. 

"Dad, _ no _ . She… was just a childhood friend. It's not like I even had any others. What's up with assuming that two people who stand next to each other often enough could end up being together?" 

Spinel nodded at Steven in confirmation, as she stood next to him. 

"Jee, you're right kiddo. S'just what I thought. I'm glad you found what you were looking for." 

Steven smiled at his dad again, "Also, uh dad… she's my gemfriend. Gems aren't exactly uh…" Steven looked for a word, "....Well. Gems are Gems. She's my gemfriend." 

His dad got the hint and nodded, giving Steven a thumbs up. He looked at Spinel up and down again. 

"So she's… not a girl, is that what you meant?" 

Steven blinked as he realized where did he just mislead his dad and opened his mouth to fix this before it broke farther down this rabbit hole, but Spinel's tongue was faster. 

"No, I'm not a girl. I do feel like the word 'trans' describes me though. It just… feels right to say about myself." 

"Heh. You know, Spinel?" Greg mispronounced her name, "I always kinda suspected my son would swing both ways." 

"I'm… sorry?" Steven raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh, uhm. Or swing one way. You know you will always have my support, no matter what you choose, son." Greg made the gesture of finger guns at his son. 

Spinel glanced back and forth at the two, not really understanding why was Steven starting to blush and feel awkward. 

"Dad it's… it's not like that… I, she, uh we…" 

"Hey, hey it's okay. You don't know what third bases did I hit when I was your age." Greg laughed and accompanied his words with a wink, trying to lessen the tension that was forming. 

It had an opposite effect. Steven just stood still with a blank stare, biting into his lower lip. 

This feature gave Spinel bad associations of her own experience of self biting. Why did Steven do that now? Was his dad stressing him?

"I mean, you two already been there, right?" Greg clarified. 

It was that moment that Steven once again got that feeling where he wishes that the ground would quake and open, and he'd slip down the cracks and will never be seen in the light of the day again. 

"What's a third base, Steven?" Asked Spinel. 

Alright, recalibration.  _ Now  _ Steven was ready for the ground to open up, for the vines to snake out of it, grab him tightly, bring him below the surface and maybe strangle the breath out of him down there. 

"Jee, sorry, I probably rushed to ask that." Greg said to Spinel, scratching what was left of his hair. "You should know there's… nothing wrong with it. Teens do that and it's…" 

"Nothing wrong with what now?" Spinel insisted without breaking her character at all, completely oblivious. 

Steven grabbed her by the hand. 

"Alright-it-was-nice-to-see-you-dad-bye." Steven articulated fast, tugging Spinel to follow him. 

"Hold up cowboy, I'm getting some gemfriend guidance here." Spinel raised a finger at Steven, staying where she was. 

_ How  _ ** _dared_ ** _ she… _ okay, wait. Of course she dared. It was her own life and her own choices. Why'd he even think that… 

But Steven wanted to go right now, the sooner the better. The memories of Spinel just wanting to be with him and nobody else splashed vividly before his eyes. Oh how the tables have turned now. 

"Cowboy? Eh, I mean…" Greg raised a hand at the two, "Back when we were young and reckless… Okay, wait. I mean… back when I was young and reckless, and your mother was… just reckless, I guess," Steven tensed up. "She used to want to try a lot of things… we didn't make you on our first try, you know?" 

"Steven?" Spinel looked over, wondering why did Steven get so quiet. 

He wasn't looking very cute now. Not even cutely flustered. He was looking… 

Spinel felt scared. Steven was looking mad, just like in her nightmares sometimes. 

But he was still holding her hand. Oh no, did she do something wrong? To her surprise, Steven wasn't looking at her with this anger on his face, but rather at his own dad. She took a step behind Steven, watching the scene unfold. 

Steven thought he was shaking a little, looking up at the man who was half responsible for giving him life. Steven opened his mouth… 

Then sighed out slowly. Counted to 10 inside his head. Reevaluated who was his dad and what  _ exactly  _ Steven wanted to get across to him. 

And only then he spoke. 

"Dad. Please. Don't  _ ever _ compare me and Spinel to… what you had with mom." 

Greg didn't think he was wrong. But he saw that it hurt Steven, even if it was true that like father like son, Steven fell for a pink gem alien. It hurt him to be compared to them. It may have been true, but it hurt him. 

Greg nodded at his son. 

"Right, sorry. Of course you're… nothing like us. Rose, she… I never even knew what she really was. And I don't think you would ever repeat my mistakes." 

Steven sighed out in relief. 

Whoa. That was a weird scene to watch. Spinel felt a lot of emotions about it, and she wasn't even a part of it directly. But there was something she certainly loved about standing behind Steven's back as he scolded someone else. Being on his good side while he was mad at someone else. It made her feel… special. She giggled a little, very quietly. 

She guessed Steven's parent hurt his feelings, so Steven let him know that, and he apologized and rephrased it. 

Wow. How realistic. That must be how all kids and parents solve their disputes. With civil talks and goals of mutual understanding of each other's feelings. 

"Thanks dad." Steven said with a soft smile. "I love you." 

~ ~ ~ 

Once back home, Steven fell down on the couch in the living room, face first into the pillow. He buried his face into it with a loud groan. And then, in a minute, he perked his face up, checking to see why wasn't Spinel wrestling the pillow out of his hands and trying to replace it with herself yet. 

Spinel stood by the staircase, looking up. 

Was she looking at the banner? The banner that Amethyst asked about the meaning of, and then as she learned it - proceeded to chuckle over it through the whole morning, while she continuously pricked Steven and Spinel about it? 

Oh, wait, right. At the portrait. Spinel was looking at the portrait. 

"Steven?"

Steven raised up from the couch. 

"Yes, Spinel?"

He stepped closer, noticing that Spinel raised her hands to her chest, rubbing at her wrists. 

"Your dad talked about… your mom… but he called her…" She looked up at the portrait. 

"Rose Quartz."

Spinel's long repressed memories surfed up. 

"That was… her fake name. Her play name." 

"Yes."

Steven leveled with her. He stood in front of Spinel, covering the portrait on the wall in her eyes. 

"She's gone now. No matter what name did anyone know her by, or what impression did they have of her. She's gone now. She had to be, to give birth to me. That's how it… happens." 

Spinel grimaced in a strangely pleased way.

"Good trade." But her face was back to soft confusion soon after. "She used to play a lot of games." 

This was new. Spinel didn't often want to talk about her. Actually, she never wanted to talk about her. So Steven had to tread extra carefully with this spontaneous vent. 

"She…" Spinel stepped around Steven, placing one leg at the first flight of stairs. "She used to play diamonds with me."

Steven waited silently, letting Spinel gather her words and the strength needed to keep talking. 

"Sometimes she was Blue, sometimes she was Yellow. And sometimes she was even White. And I was always… Pink. And we'd play out everything that happened to her on Homeworld."

Spinel clenched her hand around her wrist, taking another step up the stairs. 

"Sometimes Blue made her sad. Sometimes, Yellow hit her. And White…" 

Spinel stepped up, finishing her way up and now facing the portrait from the first platform. 

"White did awful things." 

Steven came closer, his gaze focused on Spinel's hands. 

"I had to know my role. My place. I had to be quiet. I had to be quiet when I was made to cry. I had to be quiet when she hit me. I had to be quiet when she…" Spinel's hands shook, "When she… broke me and… tossed aside, to stand with my hands up while she… while she… had that new pearl, and I…"

She was sobbing, but somehow keeping her stance. "Somehow" being the key word. 

"Was left behind." 

Spinel didn't take her eyes off the portrait as she raised her hand to her mouth, placing the wrist between her teeth and… 

Steven stuck his fingers into her mouth, getting a hold of her wrist and pulling it back out.

Spinel's eyes portrayed blank lack of emotions as she didn't even take her eyes off the portrait at first. Then she seemed to snap out of it, as she looked at Steven. She tugged at her hand, and grew worried when it didn't budge away. 

"Steven?!"

Right, he was scaring her. He knew he was. He knew she hated - no, not just hated. He knew she got  _ triggered _ by restriction. But he just wanted to help her right now. He had to be careful. 

"Spinel, everything's okay."

It caught up to her that her wrist was strangely wet under his fingers. Stars, did she really just almost bite into it? Right in front of him too? Oh no. 

"I, I'm…" 

"It's okay. I know you're sorry." 

"Sorry." 

"Yes, yes, I know. I forgive you. It's okay." 

"It's… it's not, I…" Spinel looked down at her hand in his hold. Maybe, just maybe it being restricted felt a little better than if she had bitten into it. 

"I've noticed you did this before." Steven said softly, placing his other hand on her hand that he had a hold of. Their fingers intermingled. "I'm not mad. I know I… should have waited for you to bring it up first."

"I'd never." Spinel stated sadly. "But… I guess you figured out anyways." She sighed, "Yeah, I do that. It helps me focus. And it… makes other things hurt less." 

Steven held her hand tighter. "I'm sorry. I realize it must have taken you a lot of courage to tell me. And I appreciate it." 

Spinel looked to the side, not facing him. Feeling somewhere between guilty, ashamed, and scared that now that Steven knew she selfharmed that way - he probably wanted to make her stop doing it. Another broken thing about her for him to fix. 

"Thanks." 

"Spinel. I think you deserve better." He rubbed a thumb over her wrist softly. 

"Eh. Better what?"

"Better way of finding your focus. I can see why you would… do this. But I want to help you find a less harmful outlet for this purpose." 

_ Cause you want your Barbie polished shine at all times? _

"Because I care about you, and I don't want you to be in pain, love."

_ Ah. Well, my version was kinkier. Would have flattered my ego though.  _

Spinel pulled a little smile at him. 

"Thanks. That's very touching, doc. But to be honest, it's not going to stop me. It's… more of a reflex. It's okay though, your kisses usually… help it."

"You're welcome? I don't remember kissing your wrists thought…" 

Spinel raised a finger up to her lips, giggling a little. 

"I make you do it when you're asleep."

Steven bit his lip. "That is… only the second most menacingly romantic thing I ever heard from you." 

Spinel placed her hand on her cheek. "Does it weirds you out?"

"Eh. At this point, I see the appeal. So it's… flattering." 

Steven pulled a smug smile, and the next moment Spinel shoved her hand in his face. 

"You're supposed to find that creepy!" She chuckled. 

"You don't know what I'm into." Steven laughed, reaching to hold her second hand. The first one was still in his own by the wrist. 

"Well why don't'cha tell me, cream pie? I could use making you happy. You do so much for me, gotta let me have at least something back."

Steven nodded at her with a smile. 

"Of course, of course. I'll tell you what I'm into." 

Spinel beamed up with an excited smile, as Steven leaned closer and whispered into her ear. Finally, she would have a chance to do something for him too…

"It really fruits my loops when we get to talk about your feelings without you thinking you can avoid it by seducing me into something sexual." 

Steven kissed her on the cheek as he finished saying it. Spinel's smile turned upside down. 

" 'Sexual'? Jee, where's the flustered shyness, rosebud?"

"It's too late. I got the  _ taste _ . I'm more comfortable now."

"Jee… just to think about it… I brought that into your life." Spinel finally looked him in the eyes again. "I altered you. I changed you." 

Steven nodded. "No more than I changed you. We're just… growing together. But yeah, I guess you did." 

"You did change me too. And even when it wasn't directly you…" Spinel glanced down at her gem. Still right side up. "I still changed." She tapped her gem. "For the better or for the worse?"

"Changed."

"But for the better or for the worse?"

Steven let go of Spinel's hands. But only so he could hug her. 

"Just. Changed. There's no better or worse, no definitive of good or bad. There's just life. And we just… gotta live it. And… I want to live mine with you." 

He felt Spinel hug him back. 

"I want to live with you too."

The portrait loomed above the two hugging lovebirds. Spinel looked up at it. Then down at her hands. 

_ She probably would have loved to find out I still do that.  _

Spinel broke the hug first. 

"Steven?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you a favour?"

"Are you kidding? Anything." 

"A favour with an exchange." Spinel held up her hands. "I'll put my best efforts into… not doing this again. I don't give you sweet promises, I'm just saying that I'll try my best." 

"Thank you so much. That's more than I could have hoped for." 

"But. There's one little thing I want to do first."

"Anything, Spinel."

~ ~ ~ 

By the "anything" Steven hoped she would have asked him for some small little favour that he could do for her. Or for something romantic. Or to do their sacred things again. Steven even thought she was about to ask for his hand in marriage - it just felt so in the air. 

But what he didn't expect was that she'd just ask him sit down and wait for her.

Well, alright. She didn't exactly ask him to wait for her. But he didn't have much else to do when she instructed him to come find her in the pink cloud room in exactly three hours since she'd enter it, and no sooner. He didn't have much else to do without her. His thoughts constantly circled back to "Oh, I'll just go spend time with Spinel now." 

Oh wait, right. Right. 

Steven sat on the couch with his legs crossed, and his elbows down on them. His hands propped his head as he waited. Was this a romantic thing to do? To wait and daydream how he'll make her happy once he can see her again? 

Steven looked up at the clock. 

He found himself counting the seconds. 

Is that… how Spinel felt? When Pink left her? When Steven left her out of his focus for… 

No. No. He was not like  _ her _ , and he was not about to compare himself to her. 

He was Steven. He was always himself. 

The time has come. He got up and almost tripped over, as he hurried to the pink room. Opening it up and coming in, he called out for Spinel. 

Called out carefully. He knew the rules of the room by now. 

It didn't take long to find her. She sat with her back on Steven. When the boy came closer, she leaped up and hugged him. The boy felt himself falling over from the impact, so he summoned his beanbag chair, landing softly into it with Spinel clinging tightly to him. 

"Thank you Steven." She said softly. "Sorry I made you wait."

"It's okay, Spinel. I would wait a lifetime for you." 

"You've held up to your end of the bargain. I'll hold up to mine." She raised her hand, pointing a finger up and swaying it. "No more self biting." 

Steven grabbed her hand and brought it closer, kissing it. It felt strangely fragrant. 

"Thank you Spinel." 

"Thank  _ you. _ " She insisted. "You're the one who… heals me. You put so much care into me. Despite everything. You have hopes in me, when I don't. You loved me when I didn't love myself. I want to make you happy Steven. And I think I finally realized what can I do for you to make you happy."

"What can you do?" Steven inquired. 

Spinel leaned closer to his face. 

"I can heal." 

She kissed Steven. It wasn't like any other kiss they had before. It started out softly. With her lips against his own, until Spinel pushed her tongue forward, and Steven eagerly made way, parting his lips for her to get another taste of his magic. 

With a soft sigh, Spinel withdrew from him and raised up, now sitting over Steven as she straddled him on the bean bag. Her gem was shining bright from Steven's saliva. 

Steven looked at her gem. 

It was upside down again. 


	26. The Roots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel thinks she figured things out.  
Steven is drifting towards some questionable moral decisions.  
Some gems fuse.  
Some human learns a new thing.

Steven rested on his bed calmly, laying on his belly with his legs swaying in the air, and an open book in front of him. He read through the pages thoroughly, and would read them the second time when he'd realize that his mind had wandered off while his eyes kept reading.  _ Sure, why not?  _

Another distraction came his way in a form of a cat. It stepped over the book and rubbed its head against his forehead. Steven patted it on the head, and then shoved aside, as he tried to read the page again. 

The cat didn't quit. It approached his face again, rubbing against it as it passed by. Steven almost sneezed at it when its tail came under his nose, temporarily giving him a little itchy moustache. 

The cat wandered over behind him, climbing over Steven’s back and onto the top of his head, where it settled within the nest of curls. 

Steven gave it a warm smile and a faint laughter when he felt the warm little thing nest in his hair. But he kept on reading. 

The cat waited patiently. For precisely 7 seconds, before it promptly moved back down, took two steps down the boy's spine and stretched over it, raising its back part up and stretching the deceptively soft front paws out. 

And then the paws extended out the hidden claws as the cat dug them into Steven's back, driving them up - well, down - his backside through the jacket. 

_ "Eep!"  _

Steven sat up rapidly, making the cat fall off him and turn over her head as she landed on his pillows besides. The cat laughed, as she lit her gem up and shapeshifted back into her true form. 

Spinel. With her heart in the right place, and her heart gem upside down to reflect it. She was joined in her laughter by Steven soon enough. 

"Spinel, what was that?"

"What? I'm just making you happy. You said you wanted me to rake my claws down your back one day." 

Steven took his jacket off, trying to see if Spinel cut through his clothes while she was at it. 

"You said it yourself it would fruit your loops."

"Well that's not exactly the way I meant it."

"Then what is?" Spinel thought about it twice. Something that Steven often found himself regretting letting her do. "Oh! Okay, got it. Wait here, scratchpost." 

Spinel hopped off his bed, and headed towards the warp pad room above with a cheerful whistle.

A hand that caught up and held her own stopped her right before she could step on the warp pad and warp away. 

"Where are you going?" 

"To get the rake from our Garden, maple tree." Spinel smiled softly. 

Steven hang his head down, rethinking his choice of words for a moment. 

"Relax hun buns, I'm kidding." 

He looked up, wondering what she meant by what she just said. 

" 'Course I know what you meant. I just like to humour you." Spinel said, running her hands around Steven and hugging him tightly. "You don't actually think I'm always  _ that  _ oblivious, do you?"

"Of… course… not…" Steven bit his lip before he hugged her back, "I just always assume to believe you. You know, our promise to never lie to each other and all."

"Yeah. I remember. We ate donuts when we made it." The fuchsia gem placed her head on Steven's shoulder, "Good times."

"I like the present better. I get to be all lovey dovey with you now." 

"It is better now in that sense. Hehe, it's just so funny to think that things have… changed so much since then." 

"Yeah. Life just happens and keeps happening… we grow and change..." Steven cupped Spinel's upper body in his hands, like a teddy bear. This gesture was becoming comforting to him when he did it on Spinel, and she didn't seem to mind. She seemed to love to be held. 

"So you do know what I meant by raking your claws down my back?"

"Yeah, though I wouldn't mind a visual reference. Some practice, you know?" 

"That can be arranged." 

~ ~ ~ 

The door to the pink cloud room opened in the temple. A pair of lovebirds stood right outside of it, catching their breaths. Steven, looking a little disheveled, his hair messy and out of shape. And Spinel stood by his side, dreamy and strangely pleased with herself. She patted Steven on the shoulder with a chuckle, as the two finally registered that they weren't alone in the room. They stepped out of the pink cloud zone and into the real surface, greeting the three familiar Crystal Gems on the couch. Spinel kept giggling, as she punched Steven's elbow lovingly. 

Garnet nodded at Pearl. With a reluctant reaction, Pearl got up and approached the two. She glanced back one more time, and Garnet nodded again. 

"Hello Spinel." 

"Hello Pearl." 

The atmosphere felt so thick, one could probably cut through it with a knife. 

"About… our last intersection." Pearl looked back once more, and after Garnet nodded once again, returned her attention to Spinel. "I may have… overreacted."

Spinel only blinked at her in confusion. 

"Perhaps I could have handled it better. I suppose I acted that way because… uh…"

Pearl glanced at Garnet again, raising one eyebrow. The fusion shook her head. Pearl turned back at Spinel. 

"...Yes, right. It matters not  _ why _ it happened. Just that I knowingly exaggerated my reaction."

"Are you saying…"

"I'm sorry, Spinel." Pearl finally got out of herself. 

"Oh, uhm… no." 

Thinking of the scene Pearl was referring to, Spinel suddenly felt like she knew what the situation truly was. She could see both why did she freak out back then, and why did Pearl react that way. She was seeing it all so objectively all of a sudden. It all made sense. 

"Pearl, you were right to react the way you did. I know I hurt you. Even if it doesn't change it - just know that I didn't mean to. And I wouldn't want to do this again. So, I…"

Spinel glanced at Steven. He nodded and gave her a thumbs up. 

"So I apologize. And I want to be friends. With you." Spinel blurted out. 

"Oh. That's good to hear." Pearl nodded, her tensed face softening, "I'd love to be your friend too, Spinel."

_ No thanks. I'm more than full on that. _ "That'd be wonderful. Thank you."  _ Fuck.  _

Garnet nodded with a smile, exchanging a mutual thumbs up gesture with Steven from behind the two reluctant gems. 

Pearl reached and shook Spinel's hand. Then she returned to sitting down on the couch once again. 

"See?" Steven asked cheerfully. "Things are working out." 

"Mm-heh. I guess they do." Spinel mused, taking a few steps through the house. 

Steven followed her right behind. His hands set to rest behind his head as he caught up with Spinel, he felt fairly safe and confident in his future. 

"And I'm sure nothing could ever go wrong for us ever again!" Steven cheered. 

Amethyst walked up right behind him. 

“Heh, carefully saying that kiddo!” 

She slapped her hand on his back in a friendly gesture. 

Steven coughed like he just got stabbed. 

~ ~ ~ 

“Just tell me to go fuck myself already.” Spinel rubbed her hands up her face, and down her hair. 

The gem she asked that kind favour of - didn’t budge to perform it. Lapis kept sitting down on her bench, manspreading in a dominance asserting position and sipping from her juice box. She raised one eyebrow at Spinel, prompting her to continue. 

“...Ugh, fiiine, look the thing is…” 

Lapis nodded silently, letting Spinel pick her words. Saying “Oh go on, go on” without any words. 

Spinel puffed her cheeks up, pouting. Then she held onto her own elbows and continued. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what got over me. I got… scared… of having a friend as good as you and… like maybe not being good enough or maybe hurting you eventually.” 

Lapis put her drink down, “So you went and hurt me so you could avoid hurting me?” 

Spinel could feel the nails hammered down at her. But she knew she deserved it. 

“Fair.” She noted. 

“And now you’re back because…” 

Spinel would have bitten into her lips here, but she gave herself - and Steven, indirectly - a promise that she would not harm her new form. 

“...Because I realized I do care about you, and I’m sorry for… pushing you away. Because I got scared of caring and being cared about. By… someone who isn’t Steven, that is.” 

“Jee, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you, let me think about it.” Lapis took one more sip from her juice box. “Okay yeah fine, I forgive you.” 

“Fair, I suspected you would never want to see me again and- wait what?” 

Lapis crossed her legs, patting the place on the bench next to herself. 

“Spins, which part of ‘I’ve been where you’re at’ did you miss?” 

With low levels of confidence, Spinel sat down next to Lapis. 

“I got mad, yeah, like… I didn’t exactly suspect I’d just come to you after we became friends and you’d be like ‘hey let’s not be friends’.” 

Spinel felt another nail hammered down, now on the other side of her head. With a bat instead of a hammer. 

Lapis sat up, running her hand over Spinel’s shoulder. The fuchsia gem tensed up. 

“But then I thought about it more and asked myself - why would you do that? What would I do that for, if I was you? And then I remembered how I used to push people away and straight up freak out if they’d try to put me in charge of anything.” 

“...Oh?” 

“That’s what you meant, ain’t it? I mean, that’s exactly what we talked about it. Guess I should have seen it coming that you’d backtrack. Oh well,” Lapis shrugged, bringing Spinel closer. “I’m glad you came back around.” 

Spinel nodded. 

“Cause you want us to be friends.” 

Spinel nodded again, looking to the side. “Well, I just kinda… couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I figured-”

“That you care about me?”

“That too. And that it’s easier to just… jump into whatever friendship holds for me than end up hurting people more. After all, it… is kinda nice to talk about your feelings with someone who gets it.” 

“I’m afraid you’ve been replaced.” 

Spinel broke free of her hold, leaning back on the bench with a fearful look. 

Lapis chuckled at her, “I’m kidding, calm down. Let me explain.” 

Spinel sat back up, holding her hands on the bench, in tension. She was tensed so much one could play a melody on the strings of her limbs. 

“After I kinda lashed out on you I went to tell Peridot all about how you made me feel. And…” Lapis laughed a little, “I dunno, guess I must have been throwing my head around or something-”

Another nail batted down. 

“-because the next thing I knew she held my face and looked me in the eyes, and then…” 

Lapis tapped her nose, winking at Spinel. 

The other gem’s eyes shined up, as her tension lessened just a bit. 

“No way!”

“Yeah, she kissed me right on the nose.” Lapis covered her face with her free hand, laughing more. “We got all awkward after that but at least I forgot all about what you made me feel!” 

Spinel was running out of space for the nails. 

“That… great? I mean… you’re welcome??” 

“Yeah, thanks. I guess you pushed us closer to each other, indirectly.” 

Lapis reached her juice box for Spinel. The latter raised her hand, refusing. The blue gem nodded and kept it to herself. 

“So…” Spinel shrugged, “We’re good?”

“All good.” Lapis nodded. 

Doubt still lingered in the back of Spinel’s mind, but she chose to ignore it so long she would not see any sort of hints of that not being true. 

“...Also we ended up making out more later on.” Lapis winked. 

“Teehee,” Spinel laughed. “Come on then girlfriend, tell me  _ all _ the deets.” 

_ Sure, why not? _

“...Did you hear that?” Spinel looked around. 

“Yes, I heard your question. Of course I’ll tell you more, why do you think I mentioned it?” 

“No, I… I thought I heard something.” Spinel sat up, looking in all directions. She even reeled her head down to glance below the bench. 

“I didn’t hear anything but you.” Lapis shrugged.

“Weird… Okay, so, she kissed you on the nose and then?” 

“And then she kept holding my face for some time, because it wasn’t sinking in to either of us what just happened.” 

_ Water pun? I thought Lapis hated those.  _

Spinel leaped up suddenly, looking around the two. 

“Show yourself!” She screamed. 

Lapis put her drink down slowly. 

“...Spinel? Are you okay? Are you hearing anything or…” 

Spinel turned around, twisting her body in unnatural ways to glance all the ways around. 

The voice didn’t show up again. 

“...Yeah, sorry. I’m fine. I think it’s gone now. ...So, she kissed you and what?”

“And then she screamed.” 

~ 

And then Steven screamed out, as he tumbled down from his bed. He raised up on his arms, rubbing his head. 

“Okay… yes…  _ certainly  _ a bad idea…” He said to himself. “Why shouldn’t I trust her if she said she’ll just ‘meet up with a friend’?” 

He climbed back on his bed, grabbing one of the pillows and curling up around it. 

“Why’d I even think this was a good idea… Spying is wrong, and I know I can trust her out there. Not like she needs my eye on her all the time...” 

His fingers fidgeted with the corner of the pillow. 

“...I already miss her.” 

~ ~ ~ 

_ This is much better.  _

Steven thought this was much better, now that Spinel was home again, sitting next to him by the little table in the living room. Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst rested around. Marine and Connie would come over sometime soon and they’ll hang out, and then the two will leave later in the evening, and Steven and Spinel will go to his room, and then… 

Steven dreamily stirred sugar in his tea cup. 

Was this what being adult is all about? Having family, having friends, having a lover by his side, and having utter fun with all of this. The future looked so bright when he found himself surrounded by all the people he cared about, and who cared about him. It’s almost like he could have put the past behind himself and lived a life of a normal… well, of a normal half alien boy with his alien datemate. 

Steven brought his warm cup closer, warming his hands on the cup, but feeling something linger in the back of his mind. 

“...Spinel?”

“Yes zefir roll?” 

“Do you… feel like we forgot something?” 

Spinel shrugged, “I have no friends waiting for me in any forgotten gardens as far as… I… know...” 

Spinel stumbled on the rest of her words. Her eyes opened wide as if she was just shown a video of a human life coming to the light of the first time. 

“...Spinel? Is there anything I should know?” 

Spinel grabbed Steven’s cup, chugging half of it down quickly. 

“Whoops! Gotta go powder my nose!” She quickly set the cup back down, and marched towards the warp pad. She forgot something alright. 

“Wait, Spinel, you just… It-it was still boiling hot… I… Wait, Spinel, you don’t even use makeup!”

Halfway to the warp pad Spinel suddenly stopped, turned the upper part of her body at Steven, and pointed at her face - her face, decorated with tear marks from her ruined mascara - with an unamused look in her eyes. 

“Well… You don’t powder your nose! I know that, I know you.” 

“There’s a first time for everything, agent.” She added, turning towards the warp pad that lit up before she stepped on it. 

Spinel continued to walk and bumped into another gem. She fell back down, rubbing the eye that she almost got stabbed out on something relatively sharp but soft edged. 

She looked up, hearing Steven come closer to her from behind. 

Spinel almost stabbed her eye out with Pink Pearl's nose. 

Pink Pearl stood calmly, looking down at the fallen Spinel with her one present eye. She was surrounded by three other gems by her side - Jasper, Aquamarine, and Ruby. She was the one who looked the most calm and serious, as much as her childish nature allowed. The other three held their hands over their mouths in awe. “You’ve got to excuse them. They’re idiots.” Could have been read on Pink Pearl’s face as she rolled her eyes at her former team.

The Crystal Gems got startled, seeing the gems they mostly knew to be their enemies so far. Amethyst reacted vocally. 

"Jee girl I almost powdered my nose in my pants."

She saw Jasper. But she also saw that Jasper didn't exactly seem to be the same as she knew her. So Amethyst decided she would wait and see what's up with her before she would attempt to communicate again. 

Spinel got up, holding Steven by the hand as she looked at the four gems she left behind waiting, as she planned to never come back to them… or maybe she would have, eventually, came back. At the moment she did that - she was a little bit stabbed and dying to think about that aspect of her future. 

Right now though, she realized… that she could not recall hitting Pink Pearl with the Axe of Hearts, as she did to the three other gems while she and Steven were fused in Pink Calcite. 

Did their charms stay when they unfused?

"Hi." Spinel attempted to probe the grounds. 

"Hello." Pink Pearl nodded back neutrally. 

The three gems who stood just a little behind her were quiet at first. Then Jasper spoke. 

"We… wanted to know if Pink Calcite will come out to play today." She tapped her fingers nervously. 

Pink Calcite's components gripped each other's hands. So, they were still under the charms, it seems. That’s good at least. But now the two had an issues of working their way out of this. 

Steven found the right words first. 

"P-pink Calcite is… in the backyard!" He chuckled nervously, "They're in the backyard! Playing with uh… cool kids! And they asked to not be disturbed. Heh. Heh." 

Aquamarine, Ruby, and Jasper pouted sadly. 

"Pink Calcite is a fusion of you two.” Pink Pearl whispered savagely.

Steven felt a sweat drop come down his forehead. 

“Uhm… yeah… they’re in the backyard… of our minds!” He spread his arms out, as if he was presenting, “And uhm… they…” 

“You’re really bad at this, See-through Universe,” Spinel whispered to Steven. “give me the wheel.” 

Spinel stepped towards the former War Gems, currently known as the Pink Calcite fanclub. 

“Ehem. We’re not forming Pink Calcite.” 

“Wh-why?” Aquamarine put her hands to her face. “Did… did we hurt their feelings? Should we not have came here?!” 

“Should we have stayed waiting where they told us to?” Eyeball said in a worried tone. 

Steven glared at Spinel. The fuchsia gem raised her shoulders up. 

“Ehehe, whoops, look at the time.” 

Spinel looked down at her bare hand where the watch would have been, but has never been at, her entire life. She tried to make her way away, but Steven kept holding her hand in his own firmly. 

So Spinel, being a spinel she is, kept power-walking away as her arm stretched behind her. 

_ “Spineeel.” _

She stopped and slouched her shoulders down. With a heavy and guilty sigh, Spinel returned to standing next to Steven. 

"Eheh… uhm, nope, you guys did it right, you won the game!" She made up on the fly. 

Steven smirked at her, pleased with himself. 

_ Who's a bad liar now? _

"I suppose it's only fair we respect your situation." Pink Pearl commented, looking at her team of lovestruck idiots, "A fusion is a free choice of a free willed gem after all." 

Steven nodded back, "Yeah, and currently we are… not in a mental space to form Pink Calcite." 

"What sort of space do you have to be in to fuse?" Aquamarine asked as she flew down to level with Steven. 

"Uh, well… you've got to…"

The boy looked over at the fusion expert. 

"When the time is right to, and you can both feel it in your hearts." Garnet explained, coming forward to greet the new comers and spread the gems in the room out more from where they all cramped up by the warp pad. "When you can feel that calling, that whisper of a heart that drives you to be with the person you care about. And when they can feel it too. That is when the time is right."

"Well, maybe Steven and Spinel don't really care about each other that much then?" Pink Pearl stared Garnet dead in the eyes. "Since they can't form Pink Calcite." 

Steven opened his mouth in such a harsh motion on it's own - that he immediately received a pink hand covering over it. 

"Fusion is none of your business unless you're a part of it!" Spinel stood up for them both. "You don't know us, or what we have, or what our reasons are. So just… don't stick your nose into this, maybe?" 

"Maybe." Pink Pearl repeated the last word. “You seemed to be the one trying to stick your eye on my nose a minute ago.” 

She had not smiled since the company got there. It was starting to put them off. 

No sooner than Steven softly removed Spinel's hand from his mouth and tried to ask her if she thought that maybe Pink Pearl was never affected, the culprit in question suddenly raised her hands up, holding them together and to her cheek, as she spoke with a bored and lifeless expression on her face. 

"Oh I just  _ love _ Pink Calcite." 

It was about the most saltiest tone imaginable for a sweet voice like hers. 

Eyeball approached Aquamarine and patted her back.

"Hey uhm…" 

"Greetings again."

"I… I think you're pretty cool." Eyeball covered her face as she said that. 

"Hah. Why, thank you. I too think I am pretty cool." Aquamarine smiled back. 

"And, and… I was wondering if you want to… to uhm… to fuse!" 

The blue gem turned to face the red one fully. 

"I beg your pardon?"

"So we can be like Pink Calcite, since they're a fusion, and they're really neat, and you're really neat, and I just thought… I… yeah…" Ruby stepped back. 

Somewhere above the two, Garnet awed. 

Aquamarine stared at Ruby for a minute, befuzzled. Then she laughed, holding a hand up to her cheek. 

"You want to fuse with me because you think I'm cool?" She summoned her wings, fluttering them around. "Why, don't mind if I do!"

Eyeball shined up with a smile. She reached a hand and Aquamarine let her hold her hand, as the ruby led her around in a dance that both came up with on the fly. Aquamarine laughed more, while Eyeball continued to blush, and then their gems lit up, and then… 

"You know, in hindsight this is probably a bad idea." Steven said, looking down at the new fusion. 

"I dunno. They seem to be having fun. Just look at their face."

Their face was curious enough to be looked at. The two didn't mix their colours but rather have the red and blue mismatch in patches on their face. 

Most gems in the room looked up at Garnet. 

She only shrugged. 

Pearl found herself weirdly discomforts by a sight of a fusion who's form's colours came in patches, dividing their face. 

The fusion itself stood up on its four legs, reaching their hands out to balance themselves as they looked around, curiously. 

They weren't much taller than Aquamarine and Ruby were, but they were certainly slightly bigger. They touched their hair, poked at their face, at their gems and eyes. 

"Ow." 

And then they summoned their wings. 

The fusion started to giggle as it flapped its liquid wings and flew up, flying an awkward circle around the room. 

"Hehe.... hehehehehe! This really  _ is  _ fun! You were right!" 

Steven tapped Spinel's shoulder. 

"Do you think fusion can snap them out of loving Calcite?"

"I sure hope not." Spinel replied. 

She glanced over at Jasper. Perhaps the only reason Spinel wasn't attacking her or freaking out was that she saw her - was that Jasper could not have cared less about her existence at the moment. She seemed completely fascinated by the newly formed fusion, while the rest of her mind was dedicated to adoring Pink Calcite. 

There was a very, very, very strange sort of pain in it for Spinel, as she looked at someone who hurt her severely and realized that Jasper didn't even care. Spinel wasn't even hurt because Jasper thought she was special, no. Spinel just happened to be accessible to her. 

The fuchsia gem held onto Steven tighter. Steven stood tall, seeing what scared her and shielding her from the potential danger. He placed his hand over Spinel’s own. 

“I’m with you. I’m with you, shhh, it’s okay.” 

Meanwhile the fusion tried to fly around more, but it seemed to be awkward at it. Either due to their excitement or half of a lack of practice. Or half of practice. Depending on the perspective of it. 

The fusion grabbed onto the supporting crossbeam, desummoning their wings and laughing giddily. 

And soon they weren't the only ones laughing in the room. 

"I told you, save it for when we see them!" Marine said, as she opened the glass door. Every gem in the room looked at the two incoming humans. 

Connie saw Jasper first, then the fusion, then Pink Pearl and the rest of the gems. 

"...Do we know em all? Con, I didn't know that gems were like bunnies." Marine commented at the amount of gems she saw in the room. 

And then the fusion saw Marine. 

The mismatched face flashed with two different emotions - anger and confusion - as the fusion lit up and split up, both components falling to the sides. 

"Whoa!! They do multiply  _ real _ fast!" Said Marine. 

Connie looked at everyone in the room, waving a hand to greet them. And when she realized that no one was tensed or scared or threatened - allowed herself to relax and take it easy as well. 

"They didn't multiply, Marine. They were fused." 

"Fused?"

The two gems on the floor got up, rubbing their heads. 

"Yeah. It's when… two loving gems become one loving gem." Connie continued to explain carefully, not to distract the others. 

Eyeball and Aquamarine exchanged looks. 

Eyeball hid her face away, and closed her eye shut. Embarrassed. How could she have ever… even thought of doing that with a gem as high in ranking as Aquamarine? 

But then she felt a hand hold over her own. She peeked between her fingers. 

Aquamarine smiled at her, sadly but softly, as she took Eyeball's hand into her own. 

Eyeball blushed loudly. 

"...Say again, why did we decide fuse?"

"I don't remember…" 

_ Oh. _

Marine stepped closer to the two small aliens, bending down and supporting her body up by placing her hands on her knees. 

"So they… became one?" 

Steven shook his head with a sigh and a heavy realization that he was about to educate another human on gem fusion. 

"Yes. It's kind of like they made a child, but also not really. Because a fusion is sort of a… well, it's a face of a bond that two or more gems have."

"Those are two different gems." Marine continued her research, squinting at the two gems below. 

Aquamarine glared back. 

"Yeah, that's Aquamarine and Ruby." Connie explained to her. 

"Huh. So then… what was the fusion called?" Marine continued to ask. "Was it like uh… Aquarubine?"

"Not exactly." Steven continued. "Gem fusions aren't named with the names of their components mashed together… usually."

"Yeah it's always some new sorta gem." Muttered Amethyst.

"Or a single big gem of a fusion of the same gems." Pearl punctuated. 

"And sometimes, they are named after emotions." Garnet inclusively included. 

"At least they don't get named by the first thing that hits their head." Pink Pearl whispered from somewhere behind the scenery. 

"So chances are their fusion was… uh… Pietersite? Azurite?..." Steven scratched the back of his head. "What about you guys? Did you two get to figure it out?" 

The two small gems shook their heads. 

"Why did you unfuse so abruptly anyways?"

Marine stared at Aquamarine for a good while before she finally interrupted the discussion with her own statement to make. She pointed a finger at Aquamarine. 

"You look like my mom!" 

The silence fell in the room. 

Aquamarine looked disgusted with the accusation. Ruby behind her got restless. 

"Wh… what's a mom?" She asked, just like the last time. 

"It's a stupid human word." Aquamarine rubbed her face, facing away from the human. 

Steven looked at Connie. 

"Should I… know something?"

"Marine's mom had blue skin colour."

"..." 

"Pot, meet the kettle. Well, at least Marine remembers her having a blue skin." 

"Remembers?" Steven blinked slowly, very confused by the things he was hearing. 

"Yeah, I thought maybe she was a gem too. But they can't be since Marine remembers her being around after her birth."

Marine looked back at the one and a half human talking. 

"You thought my mom was an alien? Wait, what do you mean she couldn't have been around after I was born?"

Steven clutched his hands suddenly, stepping closer to Marine. 

"When gems give birth to humans - which only happened once to be fair - they… die. If your mom was a gem - you wouldn't have known her." 

"They don't."

The kids in the room looked at Aquamarine who just interrupted them. The small gem was looking over her shoulder, her little hands clenched tightly into fists. 

"Sorry… what?" Steven asked, feeling the blood drain away from his face. 

Aquamarine stayed silent. The eyeball ruby came closer to her and reached her hand out. She started with a pat on the shoulder, but ended up dragged into a hug by the blue sky gem. 

Only after she let go, did Aquamarine turn back to the humans and speak again. 

"Back in their previous reign, the Diamond Authority used to run tests on humans. There was a rumour about… a possibility of a hybrid between a gem and a human." Aquamarine looked up at Marine, "I suppose you are one of the test subjects." 

Marine stayed quiet, although she did slowly slide down on the floor. Her expression was unreadable. 

"She's a half gem, well… where's her gem?" Steven asked, worry settling inside of his mind and growing from a chilling gust of wind to a full blown tornado. 

"She doesn't have one. The gem assigned to bear this one wasn't poofed, compromised, or damaged. She just… did what she had to. That's all." 

Marine reached for Aquamarine. 

"Did you know her? Did you know my mom?" 

Aquamarine glared at her hesitantly, stepping back. 

"No," she hissed, "I didn't know her. It was probably some random lapis lazuli or whoever..." 

_ "No, it wasn't!!!" _

Everyone in the room got startled, as they looked back and saw the source of the sudden scream - Steven Universe himself. 

"Suh-sorry." Steven covered his mouth, as he was shaking, "It's just that… it's just…" 

"Steven, it's okay. Just breathe." Said Garnet, who noticed that he was hyperventilating. 

Steven tried to do as he was told. When that failed, Spinel came closer and hugged him from behind, looping her hands around his body, and placing her head against the back of his curls. 

Steven's breathing slowly evened out, and he spoke again. 

"Sorry… but… that's a lie. When a gem gives birth - they die. She dies. She died…" 

"You should have seen the reports." Aquamarine rolled her eyes, "There's a lot of hybrids out there, who's gem bearers are still in tact and serving… well… living in the liberated space, more like it."

Steven covered his ears. Spinel held him tighter. She wasn't seeing why was he getting so anxious, but she was there for him. 

"That's not… true, that's not… that's not!” Steven switched to covering his mouth, “Why have I never heard of those reports?!"

"Duh, because the Diamonds classified the information."

"It can't be… she couldn't… mom couldn't have had…"

"...What's a mom??" Cried Eyeball. 

Steven tore his hands away from his mouth.

** _"I don't know!!!"_ ** _ _

The floor beneath him cracked. Spinel felt a glitch run through her body, but paid it no thought. Right now only Steven mattered. 

Pearl suddenly glanced back, finding that Pink Pearl stepped back from the scenery. She was having a panic attack of her own. 

Pearl stepped closer and put her hands on Pink Pearl’s shoulders. Pink Pearl shuddered, looking up at the younger pearl with a screwed face. She said nothing. 

But she didn't fight her hands off either. 

Steven fell down on his knees, crying, bringing Spinel with him without registering it. Spinel switched her position from being wrapped around him to sitting in front of him and holding the upper part of his body up in a hug. 

"You don't understand… if she… if gems can give birth and not die, it means… it means…"

Steven kept shuddering as he cried against Spinel. He grabbed onto her and brought closer, burying his face in her body, right over her gem. It was only the second time he cried over it. 

Connie came to sit by his side, on a further distance. The three Crystal Gems also sat down be his side. Garnet reached her hand to put on the back of Steven’s head, and just kept it there. 

"What's going on?" Jasper finally asked, no longer able to just stand there silently. 

"Character development." Said Pink Pearl, as she stepped closer as well, sitting down in front of the floored company. 

With nothing better to do, Jasper, Aquamarine, and Ruby all sat down too. Joining the rest that circled Steven. 

Steven dug his nails into Spinel's hands as he finally gathered strength to look up again. 

He saw Pink Pearl in front of himself. She gave him a diamond salute. Salting his wound. 

Steven cried more. 

"If a gem  _ c-can _ … give birth and… stay alive, then mom… then Pink Diamond… then she…" 

Spinel tied her hands around the boy again, but made sure to let him have his space to breath and hiccup as he was doing continuously. 

Steven grabbed onto her hair as he tugged Spinel's head back to face him. 

"It means she  _ chose  _ to die over seeing me." 


	27. The Dandelion Seeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven is looking for the ways to cope with newly discovered information, and Spinel is loyally by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a delay with an update. I had a lot of things to take care of during the Christmas days.  
Thank you for your patience. This soap opera will see many more episodes of angst and fluff.  
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

"Sowwy dawwy." Spinel cooed, as she held a pack of ice next to Steven's face. "It was a reflex. I _ really _ can't have my hair touched since… you know." 

"I know. It's fair." Steven grabbed the ice pack from her, keeping it in place against his cheek. "I probably needed that." 

"At least you stopped crying." 

"Only physically." 

The boy sighed, curling up on the couch while Spinel held her hand over him. The gems had mostly left him be. Aquamarine and Ruby flew off, exploring some newly found connections. Pearl and Amethyst agreed to help Jasper find a place to stay at in the Little Homeworld. Only Garnet and Pink Pearl stayed in the room with Steven and Spinel. 

Garnet let Ruby warm up the cup of tea that had cooled down since Spinel set it down, while Pink Pearl sat by the counter, looking around with her limited vision abilities. For such a soft little pearl she looked rather somber and grim. Garnet sat down on the other side of the couch, mirroring Spinel's motion of petting Steven's side. 

"There, there." There weren't much words of comfort Garnet could have offered. "What's done in the past is done. It changes nothing about our love for you, Steven." 

Steven ran his hands around Spinel's body, holding her close to his head like a favourite toy. Despite the sweet pillow, his face was sour. 

"Thanks. It's not helping." 

Spinel ruffled Steven's hair, uttering something to herself. 

"Account for how he feels… Steven, I know what it feels like to feel disappointed in the fact that Pink didn't care about you like you thought she did." 

"Spinel, that's not very nice to say." Garnet disagreed, "Of course she loved Steven. She wanted him to have a life filled with love and healthiness."

"So kind of her then to be self aware of the fact that she wasn't meeting either of those requirements and leave." Spinel paired. 

Steven dug his face deeper into Spinel's side. 

"I think you're making it worse for him." Garnet noted. 

"I think what he needs now is some truth about it. Pink was not a good person. None of her decisions were aimed to make anyone's life better, but her own." 

"_ Spinel _."

"I'm just saying! It's…" Her hands dug deeper into Steven's hair, "It's easier to hate her when you accept that she was a bad person." 

"She wasn't." Pink Pearl interrupted the two from the counter she sat at. "Pink may have been a little… unstable at times, but she wasn't… a bad person." She held her hand over her mouth for some reason, "Pink just loved to play a lot of games." 

Garnet curled her left arm in a fist. 

"I didn't know her long enough to speak of her before she became Rose Quartz. But the person I knew her as was kinder than most talk about her now." 

Steven raised up from where he curled up.

"Can you all just can it? I just… want to be alone for a moment!" 

The three gems around leaned back from his loud tone, but decided to do the only thing to do when someone asks for space - and give him space. Garnet stood up, pointing at the glass door for the former servants of Pink Diamond. Pink Pearl headed towards the warp pad on the opposite side of the room. Both then looked at Spinel. 

Spinel stood up, but Steven's hands grabbed onto her and brought her back to the couch. 

"My 'alone time' includes you, Spinel." The boy clarified. 

Despite his grim mood, Spinel shined up with happiness, shrugging at the two other gems. Pink Pearl rolled her eyes and warped away while Garnet exited the house with a warm smile. 

"So… tough news, huh?"

"Mhm." Steven sat up in front of Spinel, still holding onto her. She was keeping him grounded in the reality. "I really don't know what to think of it all anymore. I was just starting to come in terms with that she is gone and left behind, and suddenly…" 

"Coming in terms, huh?" Spinel raised an eyebrow at him, "Is that what you call it when your other half pretends to be your own mom and you immediately seek her approval?"

Steven puffed his cheeks. 

_ "Listen." _

"Oh I'm listening."

"It's… different." The boy got sadder visibly, Spinel could have sworn he got smaller but it must have been the way he sat now, with his knees tucked to his chest and his arms around them, "All this time I thought she just never had a choice, but… I guess she did now. She did. She could have stayed..." 

Steven looked up at Spinel. 

"She left me behind."

This was getting contagious, because now Spinel sat next to him, mirroring his pose and growing sadder herself. 

"Tell me about it." 

~ ~ ~ 

Pink Pearl waited for a good amount of hours before she would come back to the house of Steven Universe. She was greeted by the other Pearl when she stepped into the familiar living room again. 

"Where is he?" 

"Depends who is he." Answered the saltier pearl. 

"Where is the current bearer of the pink diamond gem?" Clarified the bittersweet pearl. 

A loud thud that came from the room above answered her question instead. 

"What are they doing up there?" 

"I usually assume multiplying but if that's the case their techniques are becoming concerning." Said the pearl more acquainted with the human customs. 

"Multiplying? What are they counting? Why are they doing math so intensely?" Asked the less experienced pearl. 

The pearl with lesser amount of leftover Stockholm Syndrome facepalmed. 

~ ~ ~ 

Up above, Spinel calmly sipped some chamomile tea that was originally meant for Steven, while the boy threw his possession all around his room. Throwing a very pretty tantrum, she thought. 

"You're doing great, sweetie!" Spinel enabled, as she watched a book fly and crash the glass of the glass door. 

Steven stopped to catch his breath, slouching down with his hands on his knees for support. 

"Wellsies?" Spinel asked, looking around the half destroyed room. "Do you feel bettah now?"

Steven looked around. He broke the crystal clear windows. He broke the colourful panel above his bed. He knocked over the pot with a plant. He tore a poster from the wall. He found a bat he didn't even know he had in his room, and hit the floor with it. And now he shattered the glass of his glass door. 

Spinel suggested that he would feel easier once he'd let all his pain out physically. But right now, all he was feeling was a burnout after his actions. A numbing emptiness that always tip toes after rage, ready to snatch her place the moment she burns herself out. And dull regret. 

But at least he was no longer angry, right? No. He was still angry. 

"No. Didn't help." The boy walked over, and sat on his bed as he cupped his head, staring down at the floor. 

"Oh well." Spinel threw the empty cup out the window, coming closer to Steven with her hands together behind her back. She loomed over him. "I've got 49 more ideas for your unchecked anger."

"It's… not an unchecked anger, Spinel. It's a…" Steven sat up fast, looking at her. "It's a fucking realization that my mother willingly killed herself the day I was born." 

Spinel kept waiting for him to say more. 

"...Sorry I swore." 

"Of fucking course you are." She uttered with a smile. "Don't pout, potty mouth. We'll help you." 

Spinel came closer to Steven, standing between his spread legs and cupping his head to look up at her. 

"We can form Pink Calcite and crash the mindscape?" 

Steven tilted his head, nuzzling against her touch. 

"Pink Calcite is already as destroyed as we could have gotten them. Spinel, I don't think that destroying things is helping me vent it out at all." 

"Aww, but that takes off more plans from my list." Spinel pouted. "What about our Garden?"

"I definitely don't want to destroy our Garden." 

"Any public property?" 

"No, not really. … Also, that's a punishable crime." 

Spinel brought his head closer to her gem. 

"Not if we don't get caught it's not."

Steven squinted up at Spinel. 

"You're trying to drag me down a dangerous path." 

"I love you is all I do, Steven." Spinel placed her hand over his head, tapping it lightly, "47 left. How abooout…" 

"Please let it be within the law." Steven whispers as he ran his hands around Spinel, crossing them over her waistband. 

"I dunno. Maybe to break some laws is what you need."

The boy shook his head against her hold. 

"I mean. Steven, listen to me. You kinda assumed that there were some moral norms that Pink lived up to. And now you're disappointed that she didn't. But now that you figured that she didn't care all that much," Spinel felt the hands around her tighten their hold. "why not stop trying to be perfect like she never was?" 

"Spinel, there's… a lot of flaws in this plan." 

"Go on, I've got time and confidence." 

Steven fell back, laying down and bringing Spinel with him. 

"Well, for starter, I don't have a perfectionist syndrome." 

Spinel sat up, straddling him. 

"You sure about that, m'diamond?" 

"...Yes. Things can be imperfect once in a while. People can be. And so can I." 

"Yet you're getting mad that someone was a worse person than you imagined." 

"It's… not that she was worse than I imagined. I honestly lost hopes in her long time ago. But… I guess she somehow exceeded my rock bottom expectations. Oh well, I'll just relocate the bar of expectations to the Mariana Trench and hope she does not take it for a challenge from her grave." 

"What if this wasn't about you?"

Steven looked up at Spinel with confusion painted over his face. 

"I'm just saying. What if she wanted to run away from other things? You don't hear me assuming that she died to avoid seeing me." 

Spinel got somewhat quieter by the end of her sentence. Her hair fell down, a gesture that hasn't happened since the last time she reformed. 

"Well, she didn't exactly die to leave the Garden…" Steven trailed off, but then he noticed that Spinel wasn't responding. 

He sat up, letting her stay sitting up on his bed as he placed his hands on her shoulders. 

"Spinel?"

He shook her back and forth lightly, it was more of a rocking motion. 

Spinel focused her eyes on him again, her hair perking up. 

"Huh. Sorry. I just… haven't been thinking about it lately, I almost forgot that… she just kinda… left me where no one would have looked for me…" Spinel reached her hands up, placing them over Steven's own. "Sometimes… I wonder. What would have been if I… never saw your message." 

The boy brought her closer, running his hands around her proportionally smaller body and holding it tight, as if letting her remember that she's here now, safe and found. 

"But you heard it. And you moved out of it. And I found you." 

"But what if… wh... huff…" 

"Spinel? Why are you hyperventilating?"

~ ~ ~ 

"Well?" 

"Please do try to be quiet, I'm trying to listen." 

Pink Pear rolled her eye at the other Pearl on the staircase. 

"Is it so hard to tell?"

"Well. I am certainly hearing Spinel breathe rapidly. But… Steven is chatting."

"And he doesn't do it when they do math?"

Pearl looked back at Pink Pearl, frowning. 

"Please stop calling it them 'doing math', I explained this to you."

"You told me they can’t be interrupted from this 'sacred but fairly disgusting human ritual of mutual affection'. That’s all. I just need to see Steh-ven for a minute."

"We can’t interrupt them if they’re ‘busy’. That's what I'm trying to understand by hearing now - if they're doing that, or just chatting."

"Do they chat a lot during math?"

_ "Pip. Please." _

~ ~ ~ 

"What if I never woke up?" Spinel held onto herself, "What if I'm still in the garden, rotting away, and all of this is just a dream I'm having…" 

Oh boy. No, no no. Steven couldn't take this. He could not allow a single other thing to spiral out of his control. In this context it was Spinel's mental well-being. 

This time he cupped her face into his hands, making Spinel face him. Her eyes were darting around fearfully. 

"Spinel. Spinel, look at me." Steven was determined. 

Spinel fixated her gaze on the boy before her.

"Spinel. You exist. You're here. And I love you." 

Steven leaned in, planting a soft kiss on her cheek. 

When he leaned back, Spinel slowly nodded at him. 

"You're right. I'm here. Right now. This is real. This is my life now. You're my life now." 

The boy blushed at the statement, waving a hand at her. 

"Heh, no you." 

"No, _ you. _" Spinel made a kissing motion with her lips. 

"No, _ you! _" Steven quickly leaned in, giving her the kiss she tried to tease him with. 

Spinel giggled in surprise at him. 

"Hehehehe… Hey." She blinked. "Why'd we start making out?"

Steven scratched his head. 

"I don't remember."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"...Can we keep going?"

~ ~ ~ 

"Okay, _ now _they're doing math." 

~ ~ ~ 

Pink Pearl and Pearl sat down in the kitchen, chatting with salt and drinking with sugar. They didn’t notice when the kids finished making out and exited the room above - probably because they went out through the balcony and not down the stairs. 

A can flew over the sand on the shore after getting kicked by Steven's leg from its original position. The boy came closer to it and picked it up afterwards, heading towards Beach City to dispose of it in a designated recycling container. 

"You looked like it helped at first." Spinel pouted as she walked behind Steven, wearing his jacket. 

"It did. It just wore off." 

"We could-"

"No. There's a limit."

"Oh. Well okay." Spinel skipped next to Steven happily. "So 38 ways to cope with 'finding out your parent never wanted you' to go."

"I just… don't understand…" 

Spinel made sure she kept up with Steven's pace. _ Oh, so we're doing number 17? The Talking about it. _

"Even if she did a lot of bad things and had a lot of… people, gems, things, responsibilities to run from… she still could have… maybe… stayed just a little longer… but instead she just…" 

Steven gripped the metal can in his hand. It bent under the force of his fingers. 

"I don't know… I don't think I want to cry about it anymore, but I can't just… act like it doesn't matter. I just… I just want to do something so bad that it makes others see that… she did something bad to me. And I'm hurt over it."

Spinel stopped skipping when Steven stopped walking. She came closer, taking his free hand into her own. 

"Anything you want, saviour. I'll help you save and destroy anything in the world. I will follow you to the edge of the galaxy to be with you through anything." 

She felt her hand gripped back softly. 

"Thank you. You're the only one I've got, it seems." 

"Heh. I better be."

_ Oh you sure are. _

"So, rebel boy, what sort of awful and disobedient thing should we do to the world?"

Steven finished his walk, disposing of the metal can in a designated container. 

"I don't know… I was never actually one of those kids with attention deficit who caused trouble to get noticed. I was always just kinda… loved and accepted. Sometimes even more cared about than I wanted." 

Steven walked further and sat down on the bench, looking out at the sea. Spinel sat nearby him, but upside down, letting her head hang over the edge of the bench while her legs rested on the top part. 

"So weird how you can just… complain about being loved, Steven." 

"For each their own, I guess."

"Yeah, now the same gems will probably shower you with twice as much love, to comfort you." 

Steven sighed with annoyance as he imagined that, throwing his head back. He stared out at the sky above. It was twilight, the stars had just started to come out, barely visible. Steven reached one hand for the stars. Then he slowly smiled and looked back down at Spinel, curling the hand that reached so high. 

"I know how we can rebel." 

Spinel spun upside down, now sitting on her knees on the bench and facing Steven. 

"Hehe, you wanna go grab another injector and bring it to Earth?"

"I… no… actually I was just thinking that we should run away."

"Run away?"

"Yeah. If… _ Pink _ ran away from her problems - why shouldn't I?"

Steven stood up, reaching a hand for Spinel. And the fuchsia gem took it, jumping next to Steven happily. 

"I love where this is going! What now then? Do we run to the edge of the galaxy?"

~ ~ ~

"This is not the edge of the galaxy." 

Spinel pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. This was not a romantic adventure to the edge of the galaxy that she dreamt of. This was the same town she tried to move to when she came to Earth for the second time. And their road here consisted of one bumpy train ride that they spent resting on a hay stack. 

At least they were cuddling. 

"Still, it seems like a good place to get lost in." Steven remarked, walking forward and reaching a hand for Spinel. 

"I dunno. I got found here pretty quick once." Spinel took his hand, walking along. "Just gotta make sure we aren't caught outdoing any local clowns with juggling 7 chainsaw. Trust my experience." 

"How do you even… I… okay." 

Making their way through the unfamiliar town mostly consisted of the two lovebirds getting called a cute couple since they held hands, and of Spinel being either strangely whistled at, or complimented on her "cosplay". 

"What's a cosplay, Stevo?" 

"It's about dressing up as different characters." 

"Oooh, like putting on those cat ears you keep in the closet?" 

"Not really, they're for- wait a minute."

Steven stopped walking, yanking Spinel to his side by the hand when she kept going with a little giggle. 

"You looked through my closet?!"

Spinel looked at the boy, giggling at him as she raised a hand to cover her wide smile. A gesture that she shot back at his grumpy grimace. But as her gaze drifted somewhere behind him she slowly ceased to laugh, and her smile faded. 

"Oh? Spinel, no, I'm not actually mad. I was just-" 

Spinel softly pushed Steven aside, as she walked into the dark alley. A familiar dark alley, although she only saw it briefly, and from a different angle. Spinel walked until she reached the tall fence that separated two alleys from one another. The reached a hand slowly, grabbing onto one of the upper spikes and looking up to the sky. 

That's what she saw that day. That's where Steven watched the very sharp spike she was gripping come through her head, and another cut through her gem. 

And that's where he found her and put her back together. 

Steven followed her behind, not getting why'd she suddenly enter such a state of trance at first, but then he seemed to remember the place as well. Steven kneeled down in front of the fence, right next to Spinel. 

"It was here." 

"How many shards were there?"

"Just two. Two pieces that I cried back together. And then cried more over... Sorry, that's probably not nice to say."

"No, please." Spinel sat down as well, letting go of the spike. "I want to know about this. I never thought of the consequences of my actions. I just thought… it would be the end." 

She was looking down, now holding her hands together over her lap. A hand reached and welcomed her hands into a warmth of a single human arm. Steven smiled at her. 

"It was here. I jumped down, gathered your pieces up. I didn't even need to think of snakes - I was already crying. In a moment, your gem was back together. And then I spent a week over it. Guarding. Waiting. Realizing that… something was missing when you weren't with me." 

"You've barely known me back then."

"But I cared about you."

Spinel jerked her hands back from Steven. 

"Was that a pity thing for you?!"

"What? No, of course not!" Steven raised his palms up, "I didn't pity you. I knew you were strong, and I saw that you were troubled. And then when I saw you… slip from my hands, and…" 

Steven slowly lowered his hands, taking one good look at them, "I just felt how much I wished I was there for you. And how much I wanted to see you happy. And realized how much I wanted to be the reason you feel happy." 

"So… that's how you realized that you loved me?"

Steven shrugged. 

"I guess it really takes to lose something to know its worth."

A hand landed awkwardly over his mouth. 

"Steven. … I loved you first."

"That's great Spin-" the hand pushed harder, covering Steven's mouth, while Spinel slowly started to… laugh. 

"Are you telling me that all the time I spent trembling around you after I reformed - you already loved me back?"

She let go of his face, hugging herself and laughing about it. It seemed to humour her. 

"I mean… I didn't think that it was love, but… I guess!" Steven started to see the picture as well. "I was so worried and wanting to make you happy, and I was already doing that by just being with you. Haha, you're right, that is ironic."

Spinel shook her head happily, "We really did _ always _love each other." 

"Yeah." Steven's gaze was dancing on her face softly, mostly focusing on her lips, all before he heard a curious noise from outside of the alley and jerked his head towards it. "Do you hear that?"

"I'm hearing spontaneous music. Isn't it a normal occurrence?"

Steven grabbed Spinel's hand, getting up and running towards the music that started to play outside, as the gem caught up behind him. 

The source became visible as soon as they stepped out of the dark alley. 

The Carnival was in town. 

It seemed like people have gathered while Spinel and Steven were having a moment. As much as a little dull town could allow - the open streets filled up with flamboyant performers and colourful trinket sellers. There was a beautiful team dancing around each other in synchronized motions, in sync like the clock mechanism. There was another team, consisting of just two performs, and they danced around each other while spinning sticks that burned with tall red flames on each side. There were vans open on the back with people selling snacks and trinkets kept inside. There were mimes, clowns, magicians, and balloon sellers all around. People who walked on legs so tall they were high as the buildings, people who juggled, people who swallowed swords and flames. 

And people who were casual, walking into the wonderland of a magical unfolding story that this event brought into their lives for the night. 

"Oh! Is this some sorta celebration?!" Spinel looked around with stars in her eyes. 

"I don't think… I think it's just a carnival. It's an event where people-" 

"Look!!" Spinel grabbed Steven's hand, rushing to the first shiny bit that caught her 5 seconds lasting attention spawn for the 6th extra second. 

It was at that moment that Steven knew that the rest of the evening and the night would be spent with the two as the part of this celebration of life. They were but two petals on a flower of this bride's bouquet. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Have you tried those?" 

Spinel returned to Steven with cupcakes in her hands. 

"They were up for free, I grabbed us a two." 

"Thank you Spinel." Said the boy who's mind was still in turmoil, as he spent the last 20 minutes wandering aimlessly and following Spinel around. 

There was a lot of beauty in seeing this little gem experience Earthly life for the first time, and stare out with wide eyes at every shining light and every bright feather that decorated everyone's costume all around. 

Steven just couldn't help but have his mind wander back to the pain at any moment that he wasn't looking at Spinel. 

Steven looked at her now, as he bit into the cupcake she reached for him. He didn't pick it from her hand - he cupped her hand carefully, bringing the pastry up in it. Spinel laughed softly, using the back of her hand to wipe her mouth clean after a while. 

Steven finally looked down at the pastry she shared with him. Then he slowly put her hand down and took a few steps back. 

"Is something the matter, Stevie?"

"Huh? No, nothing Spinel. I'm just…"

Steven wiped his forehead, looking around as his cheeks turned slight magenta in colour. Although that was hard to tell in the dim coloured lights of the night that the Carnival was happening during. 

Spinel did catch on that something was wrong. Or at least her anxiety did. 

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked in somewhat of a shaking tone, stepping closer to Steven. Maybe she can fall to her knees and apologize for whatever she did wrong before she'd get casted aside for whatever it was. 

"What? No, nothing is wrong, Spinel." 

"But- but you got upset at me? What did I do? What did I do wrong?" She asked more frantically the second time around. 

"Nothing!" It caught up to Steven that he was leaving Spinel in worries. "You did nothing wrong. The cupcakes…" 

Steven pointed awkwardly at the half eaten pastries in Spinel's hands. 

"Yeah. Are you allergic or did they taste bad?"

"Oh, no, they tasted really good it's just that…" 

Spinel shook in place a little. To the point Steven finally stepped closer to her and hugged her. 

"Spinel. Just look at them."

Spinel looked down at the pastry that was covered with sprinkles and some sort of sweet fuchsia coating. 

"What about them?"

"They look the same as your body." Steven finally blurted out. 

Confused by his words, Spinel moved one cupcake next to her body, finding that the two did indeed share a colour. 

"Ooooooh!"

"Yeah."

"Oh I get it. Mhm." Spinel nodded. "There can only be one cream filled pastry in your life, huh sweet tooth?” 

Steven buried his head deeper into Spinel’s shoulder, growling from his hiding spot. 

~ ~ ~ 

“Hey Steven? What are those?” Spinel asked, pointing at a jewelry sale. 

Steven took Spinel by the hand and quickly led away from there. 

~ ~ ~ 

“I wish I could live at a Carnival.” 

The small gem hopped happily around the bench that Steven was taking a break on. 

“I mean look at them! Bright lights and music and happiness all around!” 

“I bet you’d like that kind of life. But those are humans, and they have a stamina that runs out. And even an event like that can only go on for so long before everyone needs a rest. Those get prepared for months prior sometimes.” 

“Well, if Gems had Carnivals - they wouldn’t need to rest or quit.” 

“Probably. But this is Earth.” 

Spinel stopped behind the bench, throwing her hands over Steven’s shoulders and hugging him from behind. 

“Well, how do humans live on Earth?” 

“Depends. What sort of humans? Children, adults, politics, internet trolls? The latter may seem like they don’t have a life though. I think they’re just really hurt but don’t know how to (or don’t want to) work though it so they just push people aside.” 

Spinel placed her hand into Steven’s curls. 

“Well, how do people who are together live?” 

“Oh, couples? Still it varies a lot… I guess when they’re older they’re older they move in together and start a life of their own. Together. It’s kinda like a fusion, but no really. There’s also marriage...” 

“You said you wanted to run away?”

“Yes.” Steven bit his lip, remembering what he was currently trying to run away from as she brought it up. 

“So how about we… live here?” 

“No, Spinel, we can’t live at the Carnival.” 

Spinel cupped Steven’s and turned him to look up and face her, as she kissed his cheek - immediately ruining the “kiss” she initiated by blowing raspberries on his cheek. 

“I got that, silly head. I meant in this town. 

“Oh.” Said the boy as he wiped his cheek. “I never thought of it that way… but I guess we’re gonna have to stay somewhere eventually since we’re not coming home… Huh. Man, how did I not think this through?” 

“You were probably occupied thinking of me, teehee.” 

“You know? You’re right, I was.” Steven nodded. “And I’d like to go back to that. But first. Let’s get a room.” 

“Aye aye captain! ... Steven?”

“Yes, Spinel?”

“How do we do that?” 

“That’s an excellent question, Spinel. You know, I think it’s really important to know where to start. I think it’s important to have plans in general. In fact, questions of “how” and “when” really help polish those plans to perfection. When I was younger I was good at illustrating plans. I don't think I drew so that well, but you know, maybe art quality doesn't matter much as getting the idea you want across? Like that one time, I drew a picture of my dad for-” 

“You don’t know how to get a room, do you Steven?” Spinel asked from above in a monotone, raising one eyebrow at the boy below.

A half human hand patted Spinel’s cheek. 

“Don’t gloat at me.” 

“Oh I’m gonna.” 

~ ~ ~ 

"That should do." Steven said, opening the door to their hotel room. "Not the final destination, but we can start small here. Now, if you don't mind." 

They boy opened the door to the lit room, but turned around to pick Spinel up in a bridal way and carried her inside. 

"What are you doing, cupcake?"

"Shhh. We just got married and moved in to our first shared home."

"Oooh! Which one of us wore a tuxedo at the wedding?" 

"Hmm. Well, I kinda like dresses more."

"Then I wear the pants in this marriage!" Spinel laughed triumphantly. 

Steven didn't blink an eye as he tossed her over to the double bed in the middle of the room.

"We'll see about that, Spinel." 

Spinel bounced away from the bed with an elegance of a rubber ball, did a flip and landed a meter behind. 

“Sure thing, Steveroonie.” 

She looked around, examining the small apartment. It did not offer much that could be utilized as a toy at first glance. Although Spinel did see a door to another room. She went there, continuing her inspection. 

“Steven, there are free candies here!” She shouted from within the room. 

“That’s great sweetie.” Steven didn’t notice where she went, he was looking through the TV program. “What else is there?” 

“A bathtub!” 

“That’s great sweet- Wait! Spinel! Don’t eat these candies!” 

There was a strange soapy hiccup audible from behind the half closed door. 

Spinel slowly walked back to the main room, her hands hidden behind her back and her mouth closed shut with an innocent smile of a lamb. 

“Spinel?” 

The gem nodded, tilting her head to listen to the boy’s request. 

“Spineeel…” 

The gem tilted her head, in a more prolonged fashion now. 

Steven tapped his foot, crossing his arms. Waiting for a vocal reply. 

Spinel waited too, batting her eyes at Steven for a good while. 

Then she slowly opened her mouth… 

A couple of soap bubbles flew out of it. 

Spinel looked deadly serious as it happened. 

Steven bent over, wheezeing from laughter. 

~ ~ ~ 

"I was afraid to be your burden at first. But now I see that we both have our own strong sides and weak sides. And that it's okay to be happy and sad together. And lift each other up when we need it."

"Jee, could they be any more obvious about it?" Spinel pfffted.

Once they were done cleaning Spinel's mouth of soap, the two love birds made a best of pillows and a blanket on the bed, and now laid upside down on it, facing the TV that played some soap operas. 

"Well I mean." Steven began, fidgetting with the remote, "They probably want to get a lesson across to the audience as clear as possible." 

"Yeah but where's the fun of double meaning in that?"

"What do you mean, Spinel?"

"... Anyways." Spinel snorted, grabbing the remote and changing the channel. She read the name of the new show on the screen aloud. "Here's Wonderwall!"

A music played as a slow-mo montage of the scenes from the series was visible. Every actor got their faces lit up with their names and the names of their roles by their side.

The narration began. 

"Wonderwall. Episode 235. The Rocky Road. Last time we've seen… Rosemary wants to tell Harley that she loves her, but afraid of her own feelings. Not because Harley is a vampire, but because she is…"

A dramatic lightening effect played. 

"A ginger! Meanwhile, Samantha looks through the contact list on Olaf's phone, and she has some questions about the one named "Snowball"..."

Spinel yawned, "What's contact list?" 

"It's a list of people that you have in your phone."

"Huh? I thought humans didn't keep each other anywhere."

"No, no, it's a saying. Like… I have the phone numbers of other people written in my phone."

"Ah. So why was Samantha looking through it?"

"Well, by the look of this scene, probably because she is a possessive datemate type that wants to monitor her lover's life and social life…"

Steven looked at Spinel intently, tapping his fingers against the bedsheets. _ At least I don't have to worry about your social life. You don't want anyone but me with you… I know that… _

"Oh? Is that a healthy thing to do?"

"No."

Spinel nodded. Then she rustled backwards, disappearing under the blanket that the two had over their backs. Steven got concerned for a second as he distinctly felt Spinel reach for his pants - not as much for what was to come but for whether or not he locked the door to their hotel room tight. 

But Spinel returned to the light soon enough, now holding Steven's phone in her hand and pressing something on it. 

"Hey what are you-"

"Shh, we're rebelling, remember? I'm rebelling and checking your contact list now."

"Ah."

"..."

"..."

"...Where?"

"Press the main button. This one in the middle. No, just once. Okay now tap this icon that looks like a face. No, that's Cookie Run app. The one to the left from it."

"Thanks. Okay! Let's see your contacts, like a bad and controlling gemfriend I am…"

Steven muted the TV.

"Oh, woe is me."

"Woe indeed. Who's Gremlin?"

"Oh, that's Peridot."

Spinel glanced at Steven, saying "Really?" with her eyes alone. 

"Then I'm assuming the Sappy is Lapis."

"That's Jamie, actually. Used to know him once."

"Who's Asshole Supreme? Why are they Supreme? How'd they earn the title? Is it a sentient body part?"

"I still have Kevin's number? Jeez. I need to get rid of it."

"Who's Rockstar?"

"Oh that's my dad."

"I thought he was a human. Oh well… who's Sour Cream?"

"That's Sour Cream."

"Yeah, who is Sour Cream?"

"Sour Cream."

"Sour Cream?"

"Sour Cream."

"...Sour Cream."

"Sour. Cream."

"...Okay. Then who's Big Mom Energy?"

"Uhm…"

"And why are they grouped with Small Thanos and Salt Mineral?"

"Spinel…"

"Why's the group called "Crystal Gems"? I thought that was Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl."

"Spinel I think I want my phone back now."

"Oh, _ now _you care, huh? Let's see…"

Steven reached to wrestle his phone away from Spinel, but the Gem made a 90 degrees turn, and landed her boot into Steven's chest to keep him from getting closer. Steven reached his hands aimlessly, as he was held back. 

"Spinel, give it back."

"Hmm, hmm. Heh, who is Space Boy, Steven? Who's a space boy, and who's the Shorty McSinger? Why are they grouped as an "OTP" in your phone?"

"Eh, this ship sunk anyways." Steven sighed. "Without me around… Spinel?"

"Mhm?"

"Do you ever…" The boy shut his mouth, not finishing the sentence. 

"Did I ever what now, foot stool?" Asked the Gem who had her foot against his chest. 

"No, it's stupid to ask you that."

"Ah, come on pumpkin pie. You could never ask me anything stupid."

"Do you ever feel like people around you, and life in general, are all just passing by, while you watch it go by from some sort of a bubble?"

"Okay, yeah, that is kinda stupid to ask me that."

"Hey, you said I could never…"

Spinel retrieved her boot and sat up, reaching to hug Steven. 

"I guess you're full of surprizes. But yeah, I know the feeling."

"I've been feeling like a lot of my friends have been… drifting away for a while now. It was a little before you came along. They're out there and they're living and growing, and I'm just… not there. Not aware of it all anymore."

"I get ya." Spinel patted Steven, "I get'cha."

"Well, you know what?" Steven hugged her back. "I'm growing too! And I… I don't need them all, if they can just cast me aside like that! I've got you here, Spinel. That's all I want. All I need. They can live their lives, and we… we will love ours from now on!"

Spinel was giggling as he spoke, growing more and more happier at that. 

"Yes, my love! I will follow your lead into anything unknown!"

"Thank you Spinel. You're the one I can trust. The only one I have anyways. Thank you for being brutally honest about recent events."

"Eh, anytime chestnut."

"Yeah, it's what I needed, rather than those… comforting words and embraces… though…" Spinel felt the boy lean against her. "Thought I wouldn't mind _ some _comforting now…"

"Awww."

Spinel laid back, bringing the boy with her into the little nest of love they made. She held him tight, letting the boy pained by his own existence find comfort with her, and cry it all out until he felt better. She nuzzled against him, then turned her head to the side, looking out at the sunset through a crystal clear window. 

It was going to be a long day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a soft reminder you can come knocking on my blog over at monsterritory on Tumblr and ask me to draw more Stevinel if I am behind schedule to post written content for this fanfic.  
Thank you all again. May the New Year be filled with positive emotions for you.


	28. The Crown Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a flower named after a crown. An upside down crown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I'll be good at chapter descriptions.

Spinel jumped on top of the bed, the snow white bathrobe flew behind her back like a flowing cape.

"Let it go!" 

"I thought we were doing the second movie?" 

"Oh, right, sorry." Spinel slapped her own forehead softly. 

She jumped back to the floor, curled down, then sprang up to the bed again, the makeshift cape flowing behind her back once again. 

"Let it go into the unknown!" 

Steven laughed, placing down the bowl of soap bubbles he had prepared for the occasion. 

"Alright, I guess we're not reenacting that one. Let's try something else where the hero wore a cape." The boy rubbed his chin. "Hmm… do you like Star Wars, Spinel? I think there was someone who wore a cape there." 

Steven sat down on the floor, tapping his forehead. 

"I think Darth Maul had a cape. You can be him." 

Spinel moved to sit next him, throwing her cape over the boy's shoulders. 

"No, that'd be ridiculous." 

"Why, you don't think you can do the voice? I can even play Luke." 

"No, it'll be ridiculous because he never wore a cape, spare for that one semi-canon comic, and even then only because it took place on a snowy planet. You're mixing him up with Darth Vader. He wore a cape that flowed even in open space, according to the third canon spinoff movie." 

They boy's jaw dropped. 

"But hey, if that's your thing I can play Darth Maul. You can be Ezra Bridger - that's a star boy he wanted to make into his apprentice. Now…" 

Spinel bounced up and made her way across the room, grabbing up a red brush from the mirror stand. 

"Now I'll make you join the Dark Side with me, young Padawan!" 

She spun the brush in her hand, mimicking the motions she once performed with the rejuvenator. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but okay." Steven stood up, grabbing the blue hair curler from where he was. 

The two mimicked something akin to a sword fight, but accompanied it by making "Zoom!" sound effects to parodize a true lightsaber duel. After a good make-believe fight, Spinel got her brush against Steven's wrist, making a triumphant laughter at it. The boy pretended to get hit, dropping his weapon and getting down on his knees with a pained yelp. Spinel stood above, victorious, tapping her brush against Steven's shoulders. 

"I now pronounce you… my apprentice, Ezra Bridger."

"Guess now I'll just have to follow your lead, haha." Steven found it amusing, despite missing the reference. "What do I say here… Beam me up, Spinny."

Spinel sighed softly, placing her hand on Steven's head and ruffling his curls. 

"You'll get there one day, star boy."

~ ~ ~ 

Spinel tapped Steven's side, "Why do those married couples on TV always argue?"

"Honestly, I think it either comes from actual disagreements, or a desire to spice things up." 

"Spice things up?" 

Spinel reached her hand across the room, grabbing the salt from the food tray and reeling it back in. She salted Steven's hand over her own. 

"Like this?"

"...No. It's about when relationships get duller. A little argument between two people who ultimately love each other just results in mutual agreement… and sometimes a make out session." 

"We can start making out at any time." Spinel said, looking curiously from the salt shaker to Steven's hand. 

"Well, yes, but after a heated fight there's… a special layer of emotional background to it." Steven paused. "Spinel, please stop licking my hand."

Spinel pouted, but withdrew from the action she was committing with bright enthusiasm. 

"Hehehe. So, what should we argue about?"

"I don't think we disagree on anything." 

"Man, we're inconveniently a perfect match. … Okay, okay, wait Steveronie. I got this. Ehem… pineapples. On pizza." 

"Yeah. They're neat." 

"No, you were supposed to disagree- nevermind. Okay then… then I don't like them now!"

"Oh. Well, I respect that, Spinel." 

"...I hate them!"

"That's… up to you. And I respect that about you and love you." 

Spinel reached a hand at Steven's face, snapping her fingers over his nose. 

"Ow."

"You're hard to argue with, my Universe." 

"I just want to respect your opinion…" Steven said, rubbing at his nose. Then an idea came his mind. "...Becaaause I love you more than you love me!" 

Spinel blew raspberries, "I obviously love you more, candy cane." 

"No, I love you more, Spinel. You're the light of my life." 

Spinel sat up straight. 

"Well, I loved you first, cherry bomb." 

"But _ I _ learned to love you through harder challenges." 

"The challenges _ you _set up for yourself when you broke up with me." Spinel raised an eyebrow. "I was ready to follow you to the edge of the galaxy first. Clearly I always loved you more." 

"Well, well, listen… listen…" 

"Yeah, and don't forget - I was there earlier than you saw me that day. The day we met again. I was hiding on the stairs, hearing everything you were saying, mistah 'I just didn't see myself becoming her friend', hehe."

"That… goes to say I had a longer journey to learning to love you!" 

"Nu-uh. I made the first move, Stevinette."

"What? Okay, here's where you're wrong. Clearly I made the first moves when I took you for dinner and got you toys, and comforted you…"

"Yeah, well duh? The shit you would have been comforting if _ I _didn't have those panic attacks?" 

Spinel jumped up from her seat, turning around at Steven and placing her finger and her thumb in a shape of an "L" to her forehead. She teased him as she sang in a mocking tone. 

"I loved you fi-i-irst, and I loved you mo-o-ore, na na nana na!" 

"That's not how adults argue." The boy commented the downfall of his plan. "But then again. How would I know?" 

Steven jumped up after her, trying to catch Spinel, but she easily evaded him by stretching her body right outside of his reach the moment he came closer. 

So rilled up, Steven summoned his shield, throwing it over Spinel's head. The gem ducked and laughed at first. 

"Ha!"

But then the shield boomeranged back, slowing down next to Spinel and softly nudging her towards Steven. That whole move confused her at first, and that lasted all the time Steven needed, as he got to grab her by the hands. 

"Ha-ha! Got'cha!"

Startled, Spinel kicked the closest Not Steven object to herself - the shield. And then she raised her shoulder pads up in a jolt, as she heard the shield crash against something that sounded like it was made of glass. At least, once upon a time it was, before it met its doom as the shield knocked it over.

Spinel shut her eyes closed, slouching down and peeking one eye open at the boy who still held her tightly. 

"Uhm… sowwy?" 

"It's okay Spinel. It's just a window." 

"Jee, we don't even own the place and we managed to crash it."

"Eh. Don't worry. I'll pay for it if they ask."

"Pay?"

"Yeah, I took my card when we ran." 

"I dunno, I don't want you to waste valuable although sentimentally poisonous resources on me. I could get a job and make up for the mess I made on my own."

"Spinel I literally have millions on it."

"Ha ha, nice one Steven. So anyways. I think I would make a good uuuh… voice actor? Oh! Wait, I know! I could go to work… at a pet store!"

"To the what now?"

"Yeah, a place where I'll get to see cute pets all day and sell toys and tools for their comfort. Sounds perfect!"

Steven let go of Spinel's arms, sighing at her. At least she seemed happy in her fantasies of a flawless human life.

"Spinel, I can't stop you from wanting to see cute pets. But I want you to understand that I'm not kidding. My dad once got paid for having his song used against his will and acknowledgment in a commercial."

"Uhu, yeah. And you've secretly been a millionaire this whole time. Pffft." 

"That's one way to put this." 

Spinel slowed down her happy gestures that represented the cute animals she was daydreaming of meeting. The truth was setting in. She blinked at Steven slowly, shaking her head in disbelief. 

"...What, really?"

"Spinel?"

"Yes, my sundae?"

"How the fuck do you think we payed to build a whole ass town for the gems to live on Earth?!"

~ ~ ~ 

“Steveeen! Someone’s knocking on the dooooor!”

“It’s probably the room service, Spinel. Just give them the bedsheets and they’ll leave.” 

“Oh, aye aye captain!” 

Spinel scooped up the bedsheets into a bag with the pillows inside, then opened the door to their hotel room, threw said back at an unsuspecting pearl, and closed the door as she happily asked her not to use too much bleach on it. 

Having done so, Spinel dusted her hands off, proud of her accomplished social interaction. 

And then it caught up to her what just happened. 

Spinel opened the door again, biting her tongue and raising her shoulders with an awkward chuckle. 

“Whoopsie daisy, heh, howdy there Pearl!” 

The Pearl in question rubbed the nose that got slammed with the door, as she handed the bag of bedsheets back to Spinel. 

“Greetings to you too, Spinel.” 

Steven perked up at the sound of the familiar voice. He came closer, finally noticing Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl standing outside the hotel room. Pink Pearl was standing outside of his view.

“H-how did you find us?” 

Garnet raised up a printed check from Steven’s card with the name of the hotel he paid for the room of. 

“But how’d you enter my bank page to print it-”

Pearl raised her hand. 

“How’d you get past the guard of this place??” 

Amethyst raised her hand, shapeshifting it into a face of an alligator. 

Spinel laughed, while Steven bit his lip. 

Garnet was the one to break the formed silence. 

“Steven, come home with us.” 

The boy’s anxiety was masked with self defense in the form of the anger in a flash. 

“No.” 

Pearl exclaimed with frustration, stepping closer. 

“Steven?!”

“I said no. Hasn’t it occurred to you that I ran for a reason?” 

“Duh.” Amethyst noted, “That reason being to isolate and to avoid your problems.” 

Spinel coughed loudly. “I’m in the room too you dib.” 

“You don’t count.” 

“I- uh?!” Spinel looked at Steven, waiting for her gentleman of a datemate to step in for her. 

But Steven seemed to be deep in his own troubles with the newcomers. 

“I did not run for you to show up and tell me to go home.” 

“What reasons do you have to be out here?” Pearl placed one hand on her hip, pointing around the room with the other one. “By the looks of it you just came here for a playdate. Steven, as much as we want to support you - you are certainly not mature enough for the life of your own.” 

“His own?? I’m still here? Hello?!” Spinel stepped in, waving her hands.

“I _ am _ mature enough!” Steven shouted back, stomping his foot. 

The floor cracked underneath his step. Pearl didn’t budge from where she stood so close to the entrance to the room. Spinel had a glitch run through her body with the shockwave, but that was her lesser concern right now. 

“Are- are you hearing me?!” She said frantically, “Am I still here?” 

Steven took a deep breath, turning to look at Spinel. 

"You’re here, please just wait for a moment. I just…” Steven faced the other Crystal Gems again, “Need to show the door to the unwanted guests.” 

Pearl huffed, rolling her eyes. 

“I am not too happy with _ this _attitude of yours either. You have been acting this way ever since Spinel showed up.” 

Spinel, who hugged herself as she was shaking, perked her head up. Someone called her? She was existing to them after all?

“Steven, we understand that you have just learned new dismaying news about your mother (as it happens every Thursday), but I think you should have trusted us to be the ones with you through this trying time. We raised you since you were born. And Spinel… just showed up a few months ago. Trying to destroy the Earth at that. She’s been doing nothing but enabling some very bad behaviour in you. We wrote it down as a desire to be together all the time when you two started dating, but now… this is clearly a codependency.”

Spinel felt a thunder hit her, another glitch running through her form. 

“And we’re back to square one I guess.” Steven said, frustrated. “I do not need your insight on my life choices. Spinel is my choice, as well as the amount of time I spend with her. And taking my space is my choice. I just… can’t bring myself to face you right now! Are you going to try and force me to?” 

Pearl raised her hands, leaning her head closer. “No, goodness no! We just want you to throw your tantrums at home, where it's safe, and not stars know where!” 

“I am _ NOT _ throwing a _ fucking _ tantrum!!!” Steven screamed at Pearl, as he slammed the door in her face. 

He didn’t get why did Spinel jump up in fear at first. Steven assumed the behaviour of a startled animal was her usual one by now. He probably should have been concerned by it, but he chose to find it adorable instead. And adorableness didn’t need fixing… 

Oh, right, Spinel just jumped up in fear. And then it slowly caught up to Steven why she did that.

Things we hear always take longer to be processed. 

Behind the door, there was a sound of something fragile - like a gem - cracking. 

Blood rushed from Steven’s face as he opened the door again. Garnet and Amethyst stood with shock and fear painted over their faces. Pearl was shaking, her eyes wide open as she held her hand up to her gem. Her gem that was cracked from the impact with the door that Steven slammed. She was being held up by Pink Pearl. The pink gem with uncertain moral alignment held her by the shoulders. She was looking at the damage, calmer than the rest, before she leaned closer to Pearl’s face. 

“Now you know how I felt.” Pink’s first Pearl whispered to Pink’s last Pearl. 

Steven stepped back slowly, covering his mouth with fear. 

“I- I’m sorry.” He said very quietly in a shaky voice. “I didn’t mean to, I… I’m sorry…” 

What had he done? What had he _ done? _The anger that boiled inside of Steven from before disappeared in a flash, making place for fear and worry. And guilt. Not only did he push them away - Steven almost ended up shattering the Gem who spent sleepless nights by his side when he was sick or even just scared of the dark. 

Garnet and Pink Pearl cooperated wordlessly, helping bring Pearl closer to Steven. The boy only shook more at first, looking at the clear pain she was in. But then he realized what he had to do now. Steven stepped closer to the kneeling pearl, kissing her gem while he was still crying. 

Pearl's gem safely healed up, shining like the day it was made once again. 

But Steven still retreated as soon as he fixed it. He may have fixed it, but it didn't change that he broke it. All this running and anger had him come to the point he severely hurt someone he cared about. Even worse - someone who cared about him back. 

What if he had hurt Spinel? The Gem would probably only need him to raise his hand once to never trust him again. She was fragile, despite how strong she was. 

And Steven was in the rough now. 

Steven didn't even notice how he sat down on the floor, and made a little pink bubble around himself. It was less transparent than usually. The boy just couldn't take to face the world for now, and his powers sensed it. 

Spinel took charge, stepping in between the pink bubble and the Crystal Gems (and one Pink Pearl). 

Pearl had come back to her senses, rubbing at her forehead with worry written over her face. Garnet stepped towards the bubble, meeting Spinel in her way. 

"We need to get him home." 

"_ No _." Spinel grounded her boots and raised her fists and shoulders up, ready for a fight. "What you need is to listen to him. Steven said he wanted to run away from all of this. He didn't ask you to come find us. This wouldn't have happened if you had just let us be." 

Garnet gripped her fists, looking down at the Gem half her size that was standing her ground now. 

"We want to support him just as much as you do, Spinel. But sometimes we know what he needs better. I won't diminish what you mean to him, but you have to realize - we took care of him for longer. We watched him grow. Develop. We've seen him stressed before. We know what to do."

"That's exactly why we ran. Steven knew what would you do. And we ran because he didn't want it. He didn't need comfort and sweet talks about how 'everything will be fine and the birds will sing again and the sun will shine again tomorrow'. What he needed was something different." 

"Steven doesn't always know best what he needs." Garnet knew it was debatable, but she was confident she was right this time. "Spinel, I don't want to fight you. I know how much you love Steven. I want you to help us do what is best for him."

"I know what is best for him. I am best for him. I don't want to fight you either, but I will if I have to, to protect him."

Garnet gripped her fists. "I am not the one to protect him from!"

"Then why did he run away from you?" Spinel started to raise her voice as well as Garnet. 

But the exchange that was gaining in volume was interrupted by a whisper. 

"To escape. Just like she did." Pink Pearl stood with her hands behind her back as she stated that coldly. 

Spinel shifted when she heard the bubble behind her slowly dissolve into the air. 

Steven stood up, wiping his tears. 

"...She's right. I shouldn't have tried to run from my problems like that." Steven punctuated the last two words, but in his mind only. "I'm so sorry. I… want to go home now. But I will understand if you don't want to take me back in now." 

Amethyst and Pearl glanced at Garnet. They already forgave everything to the boy that they loved, but Garnet had to be the one to voice that decision for the team. 

Unseen by anyone behind her visors, Garnet rolled her eyes. _ Of course we forgive him! That's not even a question. _

"Of course we want you back, Steven. Let's go. We can pay for the damage on the way out." 

"If only all damage could be simply paid off like that." The boy whispered sadly. He came closer to Pearl. "I'm so sorry."

Pearl replied nothing. She placed her hand on Steven's forehead. Then walked away with the rest. 

Spinel grabbed Steven's hand before he could follow them. 

"Steven, what was that?"

"A change of plans. But not for long, don't worry." 

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see. For now, we're going home."

"Is everything okay?"

The boy looked her in the eyes. Pain visible in his whole frame. No, things couldn't be further from okay. But he knew Spinel wasn't asking about that - she was asking about them. The two of them. Their relationship. 

"We're okay. We're just relocating. I'm sorry I left you out of this decision." 

"Uhm…" Spinel spun the toe of her boot against the floor. "What if I… want to stay here?"

"I'm sorry. Look. I have a plan. You and I will be together. But we need to go home now. Can you… trust me, Spinel?"

Steven let go of Spinel's hold, but reached his hand for her again. 

Spinel only felt a little icky because she felt like she held no control over this. But it was Steven who was taking charge. So maybe it was okay. 

Spinel took Steven's hand, shaking it with an eager smile. 

But she didn't follow him out right away. She ran back to the other room. There was a noise of her depositing something in her gem. Then she ran back out. 

Steven raised his hand at her in an "Are you serious?" gesture. 

Spinel hooked her hand around his elbow with a nod of a "Yes I'm serious." gesture. 

The two made their way out of the hotel room. Now that Spinel grabbed all of the decieving soaps it contained. 

"Are you serious?"

"No, silly. I'm Spinel!"

~ ~ ~ 

"You've barely touched your dinner."

"Sorry, Garnet." Steven clanked his spork against the plate. 

"You haven't even commented that Pearl gave you a spork with a plate for a pizza slice." 

"I did!" Steven reacted like he got caught on a lie. "I said thank you! Right? I did, right?"

"Dude is that your main concern here?" Amethyst noted, taking a bite of her own spork. 

"Was I supposed to…? Oh." Steven finally noticed the utensil in his hand. "I mean… if Pearl wants me to use it I'd rather…" 

The boy went quiet in the end of his sentence, looking away from the table where the Gems he called his family sat around him. 

To the left from him, Spinel was a having a fucking blast. The memories of all the times she stared at all the family activities from outside of them finally getting written over with Spinel taking part in them. This "Family Dinner" event was fantastic. There was food, there was family. Mostly she cared that there was Steven. Maybe if only Steven was a little bit more happy - everything would be especially perfect. 

But the boy was sad for some reason that Spinel couldn't quite comprehend. She chose to trust him so she patiently waited for whatever he would want to do. Had he spontaneously attacked the family that she was dinning with now - Spinel would have joined without a second thought. But for now she found her comfort place with them. 

Steven quietly tried to cut himself a piece of a pizza slice using a spork. He eyed the three Gems around himself. Garnet was eating her meal as she usually would. It didn't seem like she was looking into the future much, otherwise she probably wouldn't be so calm. Amethyst was eating everything but the pizza slice, including the spork, the plate, the whole salt shaker, and the plastic cup. Pearl was quieter than usual, tapping her intentionally empty plate with a spare fork. She had her head prepped on her hand, and her gaze fixed on the plate. She wasn't looking up. 

Oh and Pink Pearl was there. Everyone forgot about that. 

Spinel was being cheerful as she was. Steven couldn't understand that. How could she just be happy when so much bad things were happening in his life. Of course she was trying to cheer him up. But… is that really all she could have done? Was she really so deep into her role of a perpetually happy best friend toy? Couldn't she join him in his misery instead? It was lonely down there. 

Steven finished his meal first but left the table last, collecting all the dished Amethyst hasn't digested to wash them. 

Spinel put her knees on her chair, and turned over the back side of it, waving at Pink Pearl on the couch. There was a lot of rather awkward exchanges to be made between the two. 

Despite everything that Pink Pearl had done, Spinel was feeling very kind towards her from this family experience. 

"Hey. Sorry for ruining your team."

"It's okay. They were imbeciles anyways."

"Ah. Well. I hope you… feel at home here."

"This isn't my home." 

Spinel bit her tongue.

"Well… it could be! I never thought it would be mine either." 

"I assure you that it certainly won't ever be mine. I would rather get named by the first thing that hits me in the face than find my home here."

"If you say so." 

  
  


~ ~ ~ 

  
  


It was fairly dark in the room. Expectantly, as it was a night time. Steven laid on his back in his bed, with the teddy bear of a spinel resting over him. He wasn't asleep - he was watching. Staring up at the luminescent stars glued to the ceiling above his bed. And then to the side, as he eyed the intruder figure. 

For a moment Steven almost hoped that Pearl had regained her interest of watching him sleep after years, and it symbolized that she forgave him. But he was partially wrong. He was only off about the colour of the pearl that stood in his room now, staring at him like a hawk watches the prey. 

The boy sat up, bringing Spinel with him and causing her to wake up. 

"What's the matter, Stevie… do you wanna…" Spinel leaned against Steven sleepily, rubbing her face against his cheek at first. But she abruptly stopped and jumped up as she realized that they weren't alone. 

"What do you want?" Steven asked Pink Pearl. 

The pearl in the room gave him a diamond salute and a bow, before she approached closer. 

"I wanted to express my respect. And my regret of my actions, my Diamond." 

"Uh, Pip, not to pop your bubble here, but Steven doesn't like it when he is addressed as-"

Steven reached his hand, softly covering Spinel's mouth with it. 

"Keep talking, pearl." 

"I apologize for so poorly attempting to start a revolution against you. If you could be as merciful as the Galaxy preaches you to be - I would like to express my respect for you via my servitude."

"Please use simpler words."

Pink Pearl bit her lips. Son of a fuck, she's been preparing this speech for hours! 

"Let me work for you so I can make up for trying to kill you." She blurted out, put off by her own bluntness. 

Spinel put Steven's hand away from her mouth. 

"Nice try. Yeah, sorry to break it to you, but Steven doesn't do that."

"You're hired."

"Yeah, see, Steven would never- wait what." 

Spinel tugged Steven's pajama sleeve. The boy nodded at her. 

"Remember how you said you would trust me, Spinel?"

"Yes. But… I don't get _ this _. Aren't you against pearls serving?" 

"Just follow my lead. It'll be fine. You'll be by my side." _ We both know there is nothing else you care about. I could try to destroy the galaxy and you would still only care to be by my side. Don't you, Spinel? _

"Well, so long you say so." Spinel shrugged. Despite the reassurance, she felt really put off by his words. As if she read something between his lines. 

Steven stood up from his bed. He turned the lamp on, and grabbed the clothes he prepared earlier. Pinkish pants and red coloured shoes. An organic jacket of a darker shade of magenta than he usually wore. Steven took two hair clips, and closed the jacket halfway down, as he clipped the sides of it apart. Like the curtains in the theater, they now parted away from the star on his shirt. Steven gripped his shirt. He carefully folded it in two on the front, then took the scissors and cut the diamond shape out of the star, right around his gem. 

Steven placed the scissors back down by the mirror, taking one good look at himself in it. 

He was frowning. 

He went out of his room, waving his hand for the two pink gems to follow him. 

The company made it all the way up, into the room with the warp pad that they all stepped onto. Steven stared out at the ocean one last time, before he activated it, teleporting away with the gems that stood by his sides. Spinel had his hand gripped in her own. 

  
  


~ ~ ~ 

  
  


The light was blinding. The trio covered their eyes, waiting before they would adjust to it. 

Right. Homeworld never slept. It was always lit. 

It didn't take long before the Pearls and the Diamonds noticed the guests, rushing over to greet them. 

Steven accepted their welcome for once, and apologized. 

"I know I said I would stay here sooner. But this time I'm here to stick around for a… long time."

"That's wonderful!" White Diamond clapped her hands. The echo of that shook some walls. "Your room has been kept in perfect shape, and your throne… ah, right. You said you didn't want it. But we've been keeping it clean and warm… just in case you would ever want to…" 

The three Diamonds leaned closer down to Steven, holding their hands together and batting their eyes. 

"Thank you. I'd like to see it now. Just… to see it. For now. But, uh, first…"

Steven approached Blue and Yellow pearls, saying something to them. The two stared at him like he was out of his mind, but soon shrugged and waved their hands up and down, agreeing to whatever has been asked of them. 

Having done that, Steven walked towards the throne room. 

Pink Pearl stayed behind, approaching the two pearls as well. 

"What'd he ask of you?"

Yellow Pearl pulled a wide and gloating smile.

"Heh. Look who finally decided to talk to us, lower life forms." 

"We could tell you. If you ask us nicely, maybe." Blue Pearl added.

Pink Pearl rolled her eye, stepping away from the two as she shrugged. "Fine, whatever. I didn't want to know anyways."

Yellow Pearl shook her head, placing her hands on her hips. "Tsk. I hate it when she pretends she doesn't care. It makes me want to make her care!" She ran after the pink pearl, "Okay, wait! We'll tell you."

"Steven asked us to block out all the warps to Earth. That's all." Blue Pearl said, catching up. 

"Interesting."

"Uh, this is the part where you say 'thank you' for telling you this highly confidential information."

Pink Pearl turned away and walked out of the room. 

Yellow Pearl shook her fists aimlessly. 

"I hate it when she's rude…" 

"Because you like it about her too?"

"...Yes."

"Yeah. Me too."

~ ~ ~ 

It as a plan as bad as it all would get. Steven was becoming too bad for everyone around himself. He definitely had to go away. He couldn't handle facing Pearl now, not after what he did to her. Steven was no longer safe to be around for anyone of those he cared about. 

So he ran. He ran to the place where he knew he would at least feel like he was surrounded with beings as bad as he was. 

Obviously, comparing his little tantrums and lashouts that rooted from unchecked aggression and trauma to the intergalactic dictatorship was just slightly inaccurate. But as one does in the chains of their guilt and anxiety, Steven didn't see it that way. 

In his mind he had spoiled. Rotten. He became so bad that there was no going back. And he must have always been this way, seeing as his mother killed herself before she even saw him. If he wasn't wanted even by the person who swore she meant well to him - what was the point of it all now? 

There was no point. There was no point in trying to live up to everyone's expectations anymore. Steven gave that hope up. 

Steven stared up at the throne his mother used to sit on once upon a time. He looked back, at Pink Pearl and Spinel. The first stood tall, her hands by her sides, her look filled with royalty and determination to prove her worth. The other stood slouched, rubbing her hands at her wrists, and looking around very unsure of everything. 

Spinel looked up at Steven. Her scared look, clearly seeking comfort and reassurance from the boy. 

Steven nodded at her, putting on a smile. He did not feel like smiling, but he put one on. Just for her. 

Steven walked up the small stairs, slowly making his way up the staircase and down his sanity. He didn't jump up - perhaps a part of him wanted to savour the last moments of… 

Steven made it to the sitting part. It was smaller than he recalled it being. Although maybe he had grown? The boy hesitated for one last minute, looking down at the noble seat of a jester princess of this meaningless kingdom of abuse. 

And then he sat down, placing his hands by his sides, and looking down at the other two gems. 

Crowned Diamond. 

Pink Pearl gave him a diamond salute. For once in eternity a smile appeared on her face. 

Spinel gulped down, growing more and more worried about this development. She wanted to call out for Steven. But looking up at the figure on the throne, couldn't bring herself to address him as her friend. 

Spinel caught herself thinking that she should go and find Steven for comfort now, despite looking up right at him. 

Steven nodded down at the two gems below him, closing his eyes in dark content. He opened them up again, two diamond shapes now visible in the eyes of the monster. 

"Pink Diamond is back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile I finally got my stevinel stuff on Instagram @monsterritory. 
> 
> Buckle in for a ride with a diamond.


	29. The Flower Crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!  
Things aren't great.

Steven sat upon his throne. Proud. He was where he should have always been, yet somehow, he didn’t feel as happy and he thought he should. It was like a shadow was being cast over everything. Maybe if there was a little more light in the room but in the dark of the night... Night… Night on Homeworld… since when?... 

Something crawled in the dark. Step. Another. Louder. Closer. 

But Steven thought he was alone there? Was his hearing failing him? 

"Who's there?" 

A familiar gem fusion stepped closer, holding their hands behind their back. Steven's first reaction was to breathe a sigh of relief. He knew them. But then it caught up to him… that there was no reason in the universe how he could be seeing them here now. Steven stood up, looking down at the fusion he was usually a part of. A lot of questions formed in his head, but none could find their way out through his lips. 

The fusion spoke first, slowly making their way closer. 

"Why?" 

Steven gulped down in fear. 

"I-I've got the same question. Why- No, how are you here?" 

"Why wouldn't I be?" The fusion asked, stepping up the pink stairs. They stopped when their eyes levelled with Steven's, still standing a few steps away. "Didn't you want to make me?" 

"I…" Steven never asked himself that. This fusion just appeared one day, without a mind of its own. "I didn't make you. Me and Spinel just…" 

Hearing her name, the fusion pawed at their upper chest. Tapping a spinel gem that was nestled sweetly above the pink diamond. 

"You made me. Don't you want me?" 

"We… never planned on having you... being you.." Steven whispered, suddenly feeling guilty for the reasons he couldn't understand.

The fusion's sweet pigtails, that had been perking up the whole time, dropped at his words, as the soft expression grew sadder and darker. 

"so, you didn't want me..." 

"I-" 

The fusion grabbed at their hair, seemingly trying to rip it out, but the sweet curls kept regenerating back every time they tore the bits out. 

"You don't want me!" They screamed, "You didn't mean for me, you don’t need me, you didn't want me!" 

This sudden manic change of tone was so like something Spinel would have done, while the insistent need to be wanted was so like the turmoil that raged in the depts of Steven's soul. 

"That's not true." Steven tried to reassure that part of himself. 

"We just didn't… didn't know you'd be… like this." 

"Like this?!" 

It was hard to see in the pitch-black darkness, but Steven thought he saw something dark appear on the fusion's face, mysterious black tears leaking down their cheeks. 

The fusion jumped back, doing a flip in the air and landing a few meters away with a loud clop. 

"I don't want to be whatever you wanted me to be! I only want to be me! I want to be..." 

"Pink Calcite."

  
  


~ ~ ~ 

  
  


Steven shot up with a gasp from where he previously laid down to sleep, taking a moment to let his surroundings sink in again. 

“Steven? What’s wrong? You were screaming in your sleep.” Spinel asked, sitting nearby on the soft heart-shaped bed in the pink room. 

Right. This was Homeworld. The blinds that were kindly installed in the room created an effect of the artificial night time for the boy to sleep peacefully. It was the room once known as Pink Diamond’s room, then Steven’s room, then Spinel’s room, and now once again a pink diamond’s room. 

“I had a strange dream.” The boy explained, rubbing his eyes. “Nothing serious. Just… stuff I couldn’t explain if I wanted to.” 

“Dreams be like that.” 

Spinel hesitated to continue talking. She wanted to make sure Steven had time for her. She was willing to wait if he wanted to go back to sleep for now. They could talk tomorrow. Maybe after Steven is done with his diamond duties. Spinel could wait. 

She was very good at waiting. 

But Steven wasn’t going back to sleep right away, so she decided to speak. 

“Steven? Could we do that thing again where we talk about our feelings?” 

“Ah? Yeah, that’s a good idea. I really do think we should do that.” 

Spinel beamed up, her hair perking up like the ears of a happy bunny. 

“Well I’ve been feeling-” Both of the love birds said at the same time. 

There was a short lived awkward pause, which resulted in both giggling about it. 

“You first.” Said Spinel. 

“Spinel? Tell me honestly, do you think I’m trying to run from my problems?” 

“I haven’t been seeing it that way… I mean, I’m just following you around…”  _ Because I trust you.  _

“I don’t want to seem like I’m being a coward. I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing it for them.” 

“Them?”

“For the Crystal Gems. Spinel, I almost shattered Pearl… I… can’t stay around them. I knew they meant well and I still distanced myself. They deserve better than dealing with…” Steven pointed at himself. “Me.” 

Spinel held her hands together. 

“I know how that feels. Why do you think I’ve always wanted to… run away? At first, afterwards, and over again… I felt like a burden. Like something for people to deal with. Something unwanted. But…” She reached a hand for Steven. “You taught me to love myself. And know that I’m not a burden. I… think I’m actually good. If you see so much good in me - it’s got to be there. You can’t be wrong.” 

Steven took Spinel’s hand in his own, as she kept talking. 

“I just hope I can make you see the same thing now, if you’re spiraling where I was before.” 

“I’m not spiraling.” Steven gripped Spinel’s hand too roughly. “I’m perfectly fine and balanced… I just don’t fucking know how to deal with all of this.” 

“Hehe, you wanna say sorry for swearing now?” 

“What?” Steven looked up at her with confusion written over his diamond eyes. 

“...Nothing. Sorry.” Spinel suddenly felt smaller, looking at him. 

She let go of his hand. 

“...What do you want to do now?”  _ You know, you could, like, listen to me? I haven’t told you about my feelings yet.  _

“Honestly I just want to sleep more. I have a lot to do tomorrow.” 

“Of course honey.” 

Steven laid back down, closing his eyes. Not even waiting for Spinel. 

Spinel stayed up for longer, sitting up and watching her shadow fall over the boy. Sprouting two pigtails over Steven's curls. Something about this whole exchange ended up rubbing her in a very wrong way. Was this some sort of a rejection from Steven? Did she say something wrong? Did she do something wrong? Was she not being a good spinel anymore?.. 

All she wanted was to make him happy. Because it made her feel happy too. But now… looking down at the boy who turned his back on her, something felt different. She was making him happy. But… she did not feel like she used to. 

Spinel shook her head, laying down and choosing to write those feelings down as some sort of a “mood swing”. 

~ ~ ~ 

A peridot walked into the throne room, holding a respectful posture. She made her way to stand in front of the pink throne, and gave the diamond sitting on it a diamond salute. 

Steven nodded to greet her. To his right, a pink pearl happily stared down with a one-eyed piercing gaze. To his left, a spinel toy bounced up and down. Seems like she was trying to win his attention a minute ago. How silly. 

Spinel stopped, glancing down at the peridot that walked in. She was an Era I Gem, holding a honourable position for unspecified reasons. She wore a red scarf, and had a figure of a note adjusted to her visor, which was one of the reasons she was known by the nickname of Perisong. Other reason was the rumour that sometimes, unseen by everyone, she would sing. 

“My Diamond, I’ve arrived by your request. I’m ready to update you on the current status of the former Empire’s colonies.” 

Steven waved his hand. “You may begin.”  _ Is this how it’s done? Am I doing this right?  _

“What would you like to know first, my Diamond?” The peridot clarified, unamused. 

Steven hesitated. He didn’t want to admit he knew nothing about this. 

“You may start from the update on the off-world colonies.” Pink Pearl spoke for him, holding her hands together innocently. 

Steven nodded in agreement. 

The peridot rolled her eyes at being ordered around by a pearl, but spoke anyways. 

“Most off-world colonies have reported to cease their functions. We’ve been getting strange signals from the Alpha Colony, but further investigation only result in reports of everything working as intended…” 

Steven prepped his head on his hand. Man, this was going to be a long day. But he had to get in the flow of it if he wanted to be a better diamond. He looked over at Spinel, addressing her when Perisong took a pause in her speech to summon up the diagrams. 

“Could you imagine that being a diamond would be  _ this  _ dull?” 

Spinel laughed. 

“Well, why didn’t you just say so earlier?” 

“Wait, Spinel, don’t-” 

But Spinel already did. 

She summoned up three pink bubbles and started to juggle them in front of Steven. The boy felt his face turn red, ironically of his role. 

Perisong raised an eyebrow, but seeing that no one told her to pause - continued her speech. 

Steven waved his hand at Spinel, begging her to cease. 

Behind him, Pink Pearl shook her head in disappointment at her. 

“Spinel. You are clearly distracting my Diamond.”

“He’s not  _ your  _ Diamond.” Spinel pouted, catching the three bubbles with her hands and her boot. “And besides, he wants this. Right, Steven?”

Steven bit his lip, looking away from both of them. 

“Riiight, Stevo?”

_ Uuuuh. Hmm. Interesting. Yes, the ceiling in here is made of ceiling.  _ Thought Steven. 

“Pink Diamond is clearly trying to listen to the report the Peridot is giving.” Insisted Pink Pearl. 

“Well I think  _ Steven _ is clearly yawning at it. If he so wants to listen to this report,” Spinel looked at Perisong, “maybe this peridot should try making it sound more interesting than juggling.” 

Perisong puffed her cheeks in resent. 

“Can you even juggle?” Spinel asked with a triumphant underlining of the fact that she was better at something that this peridot was not succeeding at. 

Perisong shook her head at such a display of childish victory. 

“My Diamond, I know this is how you may operate but I’m trying to finish my report so I may get back to my duties. Is she truly necessary during our meeting?”

Steven covered his face with one hand. To be a Diamond the right way would mean to take it seriously. Wouldn’t it? Right. Sacrifices had to be made. 

“...No, not really, I mean…” He stumbled on his own words. 

Without taking his hand off his face, he could  _ feel _ Spinel’s eyes burning through him. And then he heard her squeak her way angrily down the stairs of the throne and away. 

The boy took his hand off his face, sighing deeply and getting up. 

“If I don’t stop her and talk it out now she’s gonna be sulking in the corner for a week.” He grumbled, passing by the oblivious Perisong. 

“Spinel, wait.” 

“No, it’s okay, I get it.” Spinel raised her hands up, trying to stop the boy from the speech that was coming her way about the 'Importance of being a Diamond'.

“Please, Spinel. I’m sorry. I was just trying to…”

“Do it right. Be perfect. I get it.” Spinel turned at Steven, no anger visible on her face. “I can wait for you, you know? For whenever you have time for me again.”

Steven made a prolonged, exhausted sigh. “Don’t guilt trip me.”

“I’m not tryin’ to! I’m just sayin’ as it is - you do whatever you have to. I learned my lesson since the War Gems bullcrap. I’ll wait it out until you have time for me.” Spinel stepped closer to Steven, trying to make her face easier at him. She tried to pull a soft smile. “It’s okay, really really.” 

It was not okay to her. It was really really not okay to her. But she didn’t want to be a clingy nuisance. 

Seeing her smile, and being too invested inside his own head - Steven couldn’t tell that it was a fake one. He just smiled back at her, taking Spinel’s hand in his own. 

“It’s okay, really. I want you with me. Just… let me listen to the reports, okay? I’m not bored of it. I promise.” 

_ That is not what I feel bad about but okay. _ “Sure thing honey comb.” 

~

One thing Spinel started to regret was her promise to restrict herself from self harming. Maybe that would have taken her mind off this. Steven was right here, clearly bored “a.f.”, and he just wouldn’t let her cheer him up. This was some sort of a torture, and not even one of the kind Steven seemed to have interest in, let alone Spinel. 

The fuchsia Gem marched in circles behind his back on the oversized throne. The sudden decrease of vitamin Steven’s Attention in her life was showing, and it was barely one day.

In between two reports, she stepped in front of Steven and sat down on his lap, facing him. The boy seemed surprised by her gesture, but mostly embarrassed, especially seeing the piercing gaze Pink Pearl was giving the two. It was akin to the one a cat gives to an owner who doesn’t refill their bowl once all the food is stuck to the sides of it, and not in the center. That may have been the case due to her lack of depth perception. 

“What is it, Spinel?” The boy asked, trying not to make it obvious that he wanted her to stand up as soon as possible. 

“M’ bored.” Spinel whined, leaning closer and running her hands around Steven’s shoulders, “And I can see so are you. How about we ditch it and have ourselves a little break? We can play hide and seek in the Palace. I can even show you some good places. I’ll reveal my secret strategy, but only to you. Hehe, ‘cause you know, I love-” 

“Spinel I’m so sorry but I’m in the middle of something.” Steven cut her off. 

_ Ow. _

“...Ah.” Spinel stuttered, feeling kicked off her high horse. “Uhm… okay? Then… just tell me when you’re free then.” 

She slowly made her way off his lap. 

Embarrassing. This was embarrassing for her. And it was so strange - she had never felt so embarrassed in her life before. Let along in front of Steven. He alone should have been the one person to always make her feel right. But right now, she felt so… 

Small. 

Of course she could do what she always does. She could go and drown her feelings out, and wait patiently for the boy to come around. Or she could throw a tantrum. Or she could sit and watch. Wait. Sit and wait. Or stand and wait. With her hands held together, and the vines crawling up her…

Spinel had a glitch ran through her form. 

She tapped Steven’s shoulder rapidly. 

“Uugh… Yes, Spinel?” 

“I don’t feel so good.” 

This was new. This time Steven actually turned around to look at her. 

“I feel… wrong.” Spinel held her hands to her mouth, feeling like she was about to throw up, despite never having thrown up her whole life. 

Wrong? Why did she feel wrong? Wrong about what? Was this Steven’s fault, was this a prelude to another tantrum? 

“What do you mean?” 

“I… feel like I have felt once before. When you left to deal with the War Gems. I feel left out.” Spinel said, closing her eyes and tightening the grip on her mouth. 

This was painful. In her mind she was acting like an attention seeking bratty child. Like a ridiculous child that needed to be held at all times. Who would want a damaged child like that? 

But she learned from before. She grew past it. She learned that sometimes her worst fears and thoughts were only in her head. That they were always exaggerated in the worst light. She learned that how she felt mattered. Even if it didn’t feel so - she learned that saying how she felt was important. 

She was important. And she deserve to be important. 

“I’m sorry, Spinel.” Steven stood up on the throne and closer to her, reaching his hands to hug her. 

It was always up to Spinel if she wanted it. If she could have it. 

And right now… she could. 

Spinel hugged Steven tightly, running her hands around him a few times. And finally feeling somewhat… better. 

“I’m sorry too.”

“No, don’t be. I get it. I promise I’ll spend more time with you.” Steven reassured, patting her on the head. “I don’t want to repeat my mistakes either.” 

Was it really a mistake? What if Spinel was wrong here for wanting so much?

“You don’t have to. I mean, I just wanted to have you know how I feel so that I don’t… don’t let it boil up inside of me.”

Steven’s moral compass and Atlas Personality issues peeked their head up from the slumber they’ve fallen into a while ago. But only slightly peeked up. 

“You did everything right and I’m proud of you for it.” He reassured her. 

Steven kept holding Spinel until he heard her ragged breathing even out. And he would have held her for longer, but Pink Pearl stepped in front of the two coiled love birds. 

“My Diamond. The duties are awaiting.” 

“I’m busy, can’t you see?” 

Spinel laughed quietly. So, he had her higher in priorities than she thought after all. This was okay. She could live on Homeworld with this. 

“Your Spinel can wait, my Diamond. The high ranked war generals may not be so patient.” 

Spinel was smiling wide, feeling very warm and right in Steven’s hands. And then she felt the boy very carefully try to uncoil her from himself. 

“Just wait a little bit, okay Spinel?” Steven tried to find common ground between all of this, very carefully. 

“...Well,” Spinel placed her head on his shoulder. “may I, at least, maybe, possibly, theoretically… sit in your lap while you’re at it?” 

Steven thought about it. 

“You can. But uh, on one little condition...” 

When Emerald finally walked into the room for her report to the Pink Diamond, she was somewhat surprised to find the hybrid ruler sitting on his throne with a weirdly shaped four legged creature on his lap. It was occasionally making a sound that sounded like a “meow”. 

But whatever. 

~ ~ ~ 

“My Diamond.” Pink Pearl nudged. Steven was starting to get fed up with her addressing him that way. But it was the right thing to do after all. “They’re waiting.” 

The boy sighed, heading out. 

A pink hand coiled around his own and tugged him back. 

“Hey! You said I would have my time with you now!”

The boy growled inaudibly. 

“After this one. After this meeting, I promise, Spinel.” 

The Gem puffed her cheeks with a pout and whined. 

“But Steveeeeen…” 

Steven sighed. 

“At least five more minutes?” Spinel insisted.

Steven looked at the way Spinel was giving him her classic puppy eyes. 

_ ...Okay. This is fucking adorable. _

“Okay. What do you want to do?” 

Spinel summoned up Steven’s ukulele from her gem. 

“I’m glad you asked!” She said with a wide smile. “I’ve been thinking of you while listening to this one…” 

Before Steven could make an input, Spinel strum the strings and began to sing. She wasn’t good at playing it yet, but she put her heart into the song. 

_ “Well you done-done me and you bet I felt it _

_ I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted _

_ I fell right through the cracks _

_ And now I'm trying to get back” _

Steven listened to her with a smile on his face. She really didn’t know how to play ukulele right, but she was putting her heart and soul to sing for him - and that’s all that mattered. Steven felt a warmth in his heart as he listened. She really did love him so much… 

_ “Before the cool done run out _

_ I'll be giving it my best-est _

_ And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention _

_ I reckon it's again my turn _

_ To win some or learn some” _

Pink Pearl, who was still in the room - everyone kept forgetting that - tapped Steven’s shoulder, and pointed at the door. “Time to go, my Diamond.” She mouthed silently. 

Steven looked back at Spinel, who was still singing. He felt bad, but he knew he had to go. He couldn’t dare interrupt her further than pat her shoulder reassuringly. 

_ “But I won't hesitate no more, no more _

_ It cannot wait, I'm yours” _

So after Spinel refused to open her eyes and see that Steven was drifting away, the boy just quietly left the room, letting her continue singing alone. 

_ “Well open up your mind and see like me _

_ Open up your plans and damn... you're... free...” _

Spinel opened her eyes and stared around in confusion. 

Realizing what just happened, she sighed sadly. 

She walked around the throne, feeling a lot of things about this. Mad, of course she felt mad… but was she allowed to feel mad? If she got mad at Steven - the boy would probably explain all over to her how important it is for him to fulfil his diamond duties. Spinel blew raspberries. 

She approached the backside of the throne - and noticed that she stepped into something strange. Spider webs. There were spider webs on the back of the throne. Spinel stuck her tongue out, displeased with the sight. Not to mention that those seemed to be much thicker than something a normal Earthly spider would weave. What would a spider even do on Homeworld?.. 

Without giving it a second thought, Spinel summoned a duster from her gem and cleaned the webs away. She picked up a strange dark bottle that laid next to the mysterious scenery while she was at it, and hid it away into her gem with the duster.

Having cleaned up, she laid down on the throne, sticking her legs up and against the backside of it. She strummed the ukulele on top of her chest more, well aware that she was doing a poor job at playing it. She was playing for herself. And for herself, she could allow herself to be imperfect. If only she could feel this sense of security to be imperfect with Steven again. 

She strummed the instrument, singing a happy song with a sad tune and stomping her boots against the back of the throne in rhythm with it. 

_ “But I don't feel like dancin' when the old Joanna plays” _

[Stomp stomp]

_ “My heart could take a chance but my two feet can't find a way _

_ You’d think that I could muster up a little soft shoe gentle sway _

_ But I don't feel like dancin', no sir, no dancin' today” _

“You’re not playing it right.” 

Spinel’s eyes shot open as her face turned sour. 

“This song is meant to be played in staccato, cheerfully. Not to mention that you don’t seem to know how to play this plucking thing.” 

“Don’t you have a report to report?” Spinel sat up, sticking her tongue out at Perisong’s remarks. 

Perisong made her way up, sitting down next to her on the throne. 

“How would you know anyways?” Spinel clarified. “Not that you’d ever do something that is fun, let alone listen to a song.” 

Perisong threw the loose side of her scarf behind her back. 

“Why do you think they call me Perisong?” She reached her hands for the instrument. “I’ve been studying human culture. This musical aspect of it too.”

Spinel passed the instrument over, curious. Perisong adjusted the strings and played a chord and another. It was a slow and gentle tune. 

_ “Short steps, deep breath _

_ Everything is alright. _

_ Chin up, I can't _

_ Step into the spotlight” _

She sang in a voice that was surprisingly soft for a peridot, and undeniably soothing. It was a lullaby. And it cast its effect. 

Spinel laid down on the throne, resting her head on her crossed hands as she listened. 

_ “She said, "I'm sad," _

_ Somehow without any words _

_ I just stood there _

_ Searching for an answer” _

Spinel closed her eyes, imagining that it was her who said she was sad with no words. That it was Steven who finally saw that she was not well, just like he used to pick up on the smallest signs of her mood. 

...Maybe Spinel was no longer good enough if he stopped doing it now? 

_ “When this world is no more _

_ The moon is all we'll see _

_ I'll ask you to fly away with me” _

Spinel sighed quietly, trying to let all the worries leave her head with that sigh. She couldn’t give in to her intrusive thoughts. They would only make it worse anyways. 

So she just concentrated on the soft voice again. Closing her eyes, and believing that for a minute that this song lasted for - everything was alright. 

_ “Until the stars all fall down _

_ They empty from the sky _

_ But I don't mind.” _

Perisong stopped playing the instrument, and placed her hand on Spinel’s head instead, patting her softly. 

_ “If you're with me,  _

_ then everything's alright” _

“Okay, fine… you play it well.” Spinel admitted, not opening her eyes. 

“Heh. Thanks.” Perisong put the instrument away. “I worry about you.” 

“Why would you. You just met me today.” 

“I don’t need to know someone well to worry about them.” 

Spinel opened her eyes, positioning her head on her hand. 

“Fair point. What is it?” 

The peridot sighed. 

“It’s just… really sad to look at. How he uses you, while you… sincerely care about him so much.” 

“Excuse you. He cares about me too!” 

“Then why’d he leave you alone as you sang?” 

Spinel looked away. 

“He’s… busy with the Diamond stuff. I just don’t want to… interrupt or bother him. Much…” 

“You’d think if he cares about you - you could never 'bother' him.” 

Spinel sat up completely, suddenly understanding Steven’s annoyance at everyone trying to tell him how to feel about Spinel. 

“He told me that before. I know that! It just… doesn’t stop me from feeling like a nuisance.” 

Spinel held onto her sides, giving herself a hug. And then a strange thing happened. Perisong held her hands up and open. Spinel hesitated, not feeling too much trust towards the stranger Gem. But she couldn’t deny there was something calming about her.

If Spinel was to use a human word on a Gem - she’d say that Perisong had very maternal vibes. She’d probably make an excellent mother of at least three and a half kids under different circumstances. Maybe in another life.

Spinel bumped her head against Perisong’s shoulder. It was about as far as she was willing to go to accept the hug proposed to her. The bigger Gem completed the gesture, hugging Spinel softly. 

“I just didn’t want to admit it to… myself. But he’s been worse lately. He’s going through some stress and I just want to be there for him. But he’s hurting me in the process.” 

“You should talk to him about your feelings.” 

“I know I should. I know it would be right to. I just… can’t.” Spinel carefully took the peridot’s hands, taking them off herself to pause the hug of comfort. 

“If I can hide how I feel to make him happy… I know I will.” 

“Spinel. Could you tell me one thing?”

“Maybe. What is it?”

“Would you want someone else to act this way about their feelings?” 

“What? Pfft, of course not! It’s not healthy to let stuff boil up inside of… you…” Spinel stammered. “Uuugh, you know what? Fuck you. I know you’re right, but that doesn’t prevent me from feeling fuck-you-ish towards you.” 

Spinel stood up and marched off, angry squeaking accompanied her steps. Just before she exited the throne room, she turned around to look at Perisong again. 

“...Thank you.” 

“I hope you two can talk it out.” 

“Thanks. I hope so too.”

And with that Spinel exited the room. 

Perisong grabbed the ukulele that she left behind and put it in her gem for now. She could always give it back, or she could pass it to a pearl and an amethyst she knew - to play with. 

~ ~ ~ 

“ _ No!!! _ ” Steven crossed and uncrossed his hands, underlining his point with a gesture. “No, you will not! You should not. You… look.” 

Spinel, who had jumped back across the room from his tone, slowly made her way back to Steven. 

“How so? It won’t be for too long, I’ll just call to chat with Lapis or maybe Peridot. I miss them. We left them on Earth - we left everyone on Earth!”

“We shouldn’t see them.”

“Well you don’t have to see them. I want to see them. For myself. I miss em!” Spinel stomped her boot, it made an angry squeak. 

Steven didn’t expect that. He didn’t think that Spinel would stand her ground with him. He got so used to her bending down whenever he needed her to, as far as he wanted her to. 

He needed a different approach here. 

“Sorry, Spinel. You’re right, it’s your right to talk to them all you want. It’s just that… there’s a little… problem.” 

Spinel raised an eyebrow at the boy, as she tilted her stance and put her hands on her hips. She waited for a further elaboration. 

“I blocked out the warp pads from letting anyone from Earth in. So… I don’t want any of them to know that we’re here. Because they’ll come here, and then… they… they…” Steven had to do it. He had to lie. It wasn’t a complete lie after all. He had to do it. For himself… and at least somewhat for Spinel. He wanted Spinel with him. “They could try to seperate us.” 

“Why would they?”

“Because, because… they could think that… you’re a bad influence on me! Enabling me to run away…” 

“But I didn’t enable you to. ...Right? I just walked along.” 

“Uhm, yeah… I mean…”

“If anything - she did more to enable you than I did.” Spinel pointed at Pink Pearl who was also in the room with the two. Everyone forgot about that. Again. 

“...Well, they’re not going to think that, will they?” Steven tried to reason. He had very little reasons to learn how to lie well in his life. “They’ll just… assume it was you. And try to separate us. Do you… want that, Spinel?” 

Pink Pearl watched the scene unfold as she stood next to the window. ‘ _ You’ve gotta be a real empty headed bimbo to fall for a manipulation that transparent’ _ she thought. 

“No. I don’t want that…” Spinel said, her hair dropping down by the sides of her head, as she held onto it. She tugged down, her usual gesture of worry and anxiety. “I don’t want them to separate us… but maybe it won’t happen just because I’ll call them? I really miss talking to Lapis…” 

“I know. I’m sorry. But… you don’t miss Lapis as much as you would miss me if they catch and separate us, right?” 

“Mmm… no…” Spinel said, lowering her head. She was surprised to find her hands coming down from her hair and cupping together. She could have sworn she didn’t mean to do it, the gesture just… came by itself. 

_ Good, good. There we go. Wow. I’m actually doing it… lying and manipulating her… that’s so… I’m so…  _ “Good, good Spinel. We don’t even need anyone else here. We can just be here for each other.”  _ I'm so fucked up.  _

Spinel nodded her head quietly, as if she was guilty of something. Her lips were trembling with a sob.

Steven stepped closer, giving her a hug, before he quickly stepped away again. 

“Okay Pip, what’s next for today?” 

Pip smiled wide, stepping away from the window and coming closer to the other two in the room. Mostly to Steven. She gave him a diamond salute. 

“My Diamond, on your schedule, you currently have dy-” 

There was a loud thud. Spinel stomped her foot down so hard - it cracked the floor, sending a shiver of a glitch through her body. She was used to them by now. 

“ ** _No!_ ** ” She growled at Steven, baring her teeth like an enraged animal. 

“I beg your pardon.” Steven said, turning around more furious than scared.

"I said  _ fuck you, _ no!" Spinel clarified what she meant. 

"I don't think that's what I heard." Added Pink Pearl. 

"Why are you using that tone with me?" Asked Steven. 

"Because you're wrong!" Spinel stomped her foot once more, throwing her fists in the air. "You should  _ not _ be limiting whom I can talk to! You can't tell me what to do! And you can't continue to ignore me!"

"Ignoring you? Again? Okay, tell me when did those five minutes that I wasn't looking at you happen." Steven placed a hand at his forehead, shaking his head in disappointment. 

"Whole fucking day!" Spinel marched up to the boy, pointing her finger in his face. "I have tried to tell you how I felt for days now, but all you want to be talking about is you and your feelings!" 

"I'm important!"

"So am I! Steven, you can be important without discarding other people's importance!"

"My Diamond," Pink Pearl stuck in, "There are many means of putting a spinel that steps out of line back in her place."

"Shut up, Pip." Both said in unison. 

Steven raised a hand at the pearl to hush her, as he addressed Spinel. "I don't like your tone."

"But that's what Pearl told you. Oooh, wait! I get it now! You're trying to take your anger out on  _ me _ ! Replaying your abuse on someone who's not gonna hit you in the face for it!" 

"I am not…" Steven clenched his fist at first, but then looked down on it, shocked at himself. "I'm not… trying to…" 

"Guess you're doing good at doing what you want to then. That's  _ exactly  _ what Pink used to do!"

His mother's name and the comparison itself worked like a trigger. 

Steven grabbed Spinel's wrist, shoving her hand off and addressing her with an unusual roughness in his voice. 

"Spinel, I don't want to hear any of this any longer. We are not on Earth. Things aren't perfect. This is Homeworld. I am a Diamond. And you're just a spinel. You’re  _ my _ Spinel at that, so you will do whatever I tell you to. And right now, I want you to go to the Garden, stay there, and think of what you’ve done while you wait for whenever I have time for you! That's an  ** _order_ ** !” 

~ ~ ~ 

It was a nice morning on Homeworld. Flowers bloomed. Birds, who were shapeshifted Gems, sang. In the little greenhouse, other Gems calmly tended to the plants and watered the crops. The distant suns that were surrounding the planet were shining through the glass ceiling, which by definition could be granted the title of the window. 

A shadow loomed over it. 

And then Steven crashed through the crystal clear window, covering his face with his hand bent. From a side view it may have looked like Steven dabbed through the window. 

The boy crashed into the soil, causing the Gems around to scatter away. Steven uncovered his face to look up, just in time so he could roll over from an incoming attack from above. 

Spinel came in right after him, planting her fist into the soil that he was laying in a minute ago. 

Pink Pearl followed behind, jumping from a platform to a platform with a grace of a ballerina. Everyone forgot she was there anyways. 

Steven got back on his feet, and summoned a shield against his own gemfriend. 

“What are you doing?!” 

“Doing what’s right!!” 

Spinel enlarged her fists, landing a hit after another over Steven’s shield. 

“How would you even know what’s right? You never knew it!” 

“Well, some fucking idiot of a boyfriend taught me a thing or two about healthiness!” Spinel jumped up, kicking down on the shield in question. “Taught me that I’m worthy proper care and taught me how to handle my rage issues and tantrums. I think it’s about time I teach you how to handle your tantrums!” 

“I don’t have a- ugh!  _ Spinel! _ ” 

Steven put his shield away as he stood tall, puffing his chest and concentrating on a power within him. His pupils turned into diamond shapes as he spoke in a commanding tone. 

“Spinel. You will stop this right now and behave yourself properly with me.” 

Spinel stilled with fear written all over her face. Her body shrunk to her usual size, as her hands unwillingly rose up to form a diamond salute as her form shivered with a small wave of glitches. 

"Yes, m-my… My D-... Oh no, it's working... oh no... it's..." 

And then Spinel unraveled her hands from a diamond salute, slowly pulling a wide and smug grin on her face, "Ooooh no, it's  ** _NAHT WAH-KIN!!!_ ** "

She grabbed Steven into her arms, spinning around before she yeeted him out the window and followed out right after. 

Pink Pearl finally landed in the greenhouse. 

“Ugh, seriously? I just got here!” 

Steven landed roughly on a purple coloured bridge somewhere at Homeworld, and Spinel landed nearby, her body becoming flat for a second before she sprang back up. Even in her madness she still maintained her style. 

The boy decided it would make more sense to keep laying down while Spinel advanced towards him. Maybe she wouldn’t hit him while he was down?

“Why do you want to hurt me so much?”

“Why would I not?!” Spinel raised her hand as she came closer. 

“B-because we’re together… You’re supposed to love me…”

“Oh,  _ am I? _ Love as in listen to you? Care about your comfort? Support you? Want to make you happy?” 

“Yes, yes! All that!”

“Uhu. And when was the last time you did any of that towards  _ me?! _ ”

“Anytime! Like the last time we…” Steven coughed. “The… last time we…” 

“Exactly!” Spinel stood next to the boy on the floor, holding her fists up and throwing them over her head, in preparation for landing a hit. “I didn’t want to bother you because I knew you were going through shit… but I should have told you it didn’t give you a right to treat me like that! You were the one who taught me the importance of mental health and talking things out, Steven.”

“And you want to hit me now because I… failed it myself…” 

Spinel waited longer. 

“That’s… fair, Spinel. I guess that’s fair.”

"It's not about you getting worse. It's not about you at all! The world isn't revolving around you!!!" Spinel landed her hit - a meter away from Steven. "It's that I want us to work through this together. I can do the hardest part with you." She sat down next to him, catching her breath. "I know there's good in you. You're just… hurt." 

Steven sat up to face her too. 

"You're just hurt. That's all, really. That's all that makes you act this way and grow a mental shield of spikes around yourself." 

"How would you know?"

"Easy." Spinel smiled sadly. "I've been there." 

Pink Pearl finally made her way to the bridge when she was greeted with the sight of the two already hugging it out and probably having cried about their love again. She stomped her little foot, coming closer. 

"No, no! What are you doing? You were supposed to fight it out!"

"Yeah, but we ended up talking it out." Spinel said, nuzzling against Steven's face. 

"Mhm. Gosh, we’re gonna be so guilty to the Diamonds again. What time is it that we come over and say we’re going to stay for a while, and then we don’t?”

“You don’t?!” 

“Yeah, Pip. Sorry, but we’re going home.” Steven mused, "So much for a vacation at Homeworld.”

“Like we live in some sort of a poorly planned fan fiction.” Spinel laughed. 

Gagging at the display of affection that occurs between them, Pink Pearl couldn’t help but feel enraged. 

“No, no, it’s all wrong!”

“Yes. It was wrong, but thankfully Spinel made me see that-” 

“Just shut up will you!” Pip slapped Steven’s face. “You were supposed to become a Diamond and then discard your old spinel!” 

Rubbing his reddening cheek with an “ow”, Steven looked up at the little pearl. He squinted his eyes, trying to remember something. 

“...You.” He finally whispered with a realization. “It was you who’s been enabling me to be like mom this whole time.” 

“And I would have gotten through with it, had it not been for your stupid little spinel!” 

“Hey!” 

"She's not stupid, or little!"

“Shut up!” The pearl grabbed onto her hair, tugging her curls down and unfurling them, "Shut up! I can't take another minute of listening to you two chirp and lick each other out all the time!" 

It was Spinel's turn to squint her eyes at Pip. 

"...Are you jealous?" 

"No! Of course not! Your love is… disgusting! Why would anyone want to..." 

"You're just lonely, aren't you?"

With her only eye twitching, Pink Pearl grabbed the two on the ground by the hair, bumping their heads together hard and throwing them apart. 

Steven looked up at Pip, rubbing at his forehead. 

"...It's okay, Pip. You should have just said, we would have helped you. If you just need a friend to help you forget mom..."

"I don't need  _ anyone. _ Anyone but  _ revenge _ ." 

Spinel raised up slower. She was a bit under the effect of everything happening very fast around her. Shocked. Worried. Her awareness lowered in its reach. It took her a minute to focus her eyes on Steven and Pink Pearl. She focused her eyes just in time to see Pip summon her chisel and stab it into Steven's gem. 

Every other sound around Pink Pearl got drowned out by Steven's scream. She smiled with a dark chuckle, seeing the gem that once belonged to her diamond shatter in many small pieces. 

And then she felt… nothing. 

She thought she would be so satisfied once she'd extract her revenge on the two. But instead she just felt so empty. And the longer she looked at Steven, who was now clutching his bleeding stomach and hyperventilating - the deeper it sunk in to her, that maybe passing her pain to someone else wasn't such a great idea to cope with it after all. 

Pip dropped her chisel down. She raised her hands up to cover her mouth, as she started to tremble.

"I… I'm…" 

Before she could say anything, she was pushed off the bridge and sent falling down the endless depths of Homeworld. 

Once Spinel had pushed Pink Pearl off, she turned to Steven, cradling the boy into her hands. 

"Steven!!"

"I'm so sorry." Steven held onto his stomach, feeling blood slowly rush away from his face. "I'm so very sorry."

"No, nonononono, no. Steven, we can… fix this! We can get healing water, we can…"

"Spinel." Steven raised his hand up to pat Spinel's cheek. "I'm sorry I've been so rude to you. I tried to control you. I started thinking that you were below me."

"Stop it!" Spinel hugged Steven closer. "Don't act like it's… like it's… hold on…"

Still holding Steven with one hand, Spinel gathered up the pieces of his broken gem. 

"Haha… that's why I love you, Spinel. You always pick up the pieces…" 

Spinel hugged Steven close, holding all the shards between them. 

"We can do this, we can put it all back together…"

"Spinel."

"I know we can!"

"Maybe I just got worse than I could have came back from."

"Shut up! No, wait, don't shut up. Keep talking. Please, Steven." Spinel was talking through her tears. "I have hopes in you. You don't have to be good enough. Just be yourself. And we'll always work through anything together."

"Always… Spinel, face it. We can't make it to any source of healing in time. My healing power was all in…" the boy pointed at the shards. "Please… forgive me. I did it all wrong."

Spinel cupped Steven's face carefully, placing a kiss on his forehead. 

"No. We can make it right. One more time. And then forever on. I know how. You'll be safe… I promise. I'll put you back together." 

Spinel shined her gem up. 

"I don't think that'll work, Spinel. But… thank you. Maybe if you're willing to do so much to heal me… maybe there is something good in me after all." 

Nothing was happening, no matter how bright Spinel was trying to make her gem shine.

"Of course there's good in you, you silly fruit loop. I love you." 

"I love you too, Spinel. Thank you. With all the ways you’ve been hurt… you still managed to teach me a lot about  **emotional wellbeing.** ” 

The shards of Steven’s gem began to tremble. 

“Thank you, Steven. You taught me  **empathy** well.” 

“And you made me feel a true  **heart connection.** ”

“I guess it’s only fair, Steven. After all…” 

The gem shards shined up, and the light that they emited grew lighter and lighter, soon covering all space around Steven’s vision, and claiming both souls into one. 

“You are the one who made me feel…” 

~ ~ ~ 

“ **Whole** .”

Four eyes opened up.

Pink Calcite always had Spinel’s eyes on the top part of their face, and Steven’s at the bottom. 

But not now. 

Now two big eyes filled with wonder and curiosity and two smaller ones above them opened up, with four identical black pupils inside of them.

The placement of their eyes resembled spider's eyes. The zephyr hair was in place, their curls started with red icing on top and got darker as they went lower. Two longer curls were sticking out of the back of their head, mirroring Spinel’s pigtails with Steven’s curliness. And now a third curl was sticking out - but lower down below, right where the two segments of Pink Calcite’s torso were joined together. Despite being identical to the hair above, this one played the role of a tail. 

Their legs that ended with deceptive toe beans curled by their sides, in "skin" tight jeans, and barefeet as always. 

Pink Calcite pawed at their gems, tapping both curiously. The gems were whole, scratchless, complete. Then they looked around, and were met with the flashing lights of Homeworld’s architecture and technology. They looked down, glancing at the dark abyss right below the bridge they were on.

“Where am I?” 

Calcite grabbed onto their face, tapping the two upside down hearts imprinted in their skin right below their bigger eyes. Then they ran their taffy gloves through the zephyr curls and down the length of their pigtails. 

Slowly, Calcite got up, balancing on their fours before they found the center on their lower two. It felt easier to do so when they tip toed. They held their hands out and swung them around as they found their balance on the edge of the purple bridge. The fusion stared down into the dark emptiness below once again. Then they looked up at the shining sunny sky above. 

Pink Calcite placed a hand on their cheek. 

“ _ Who _ am I?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack for this chapter:  
I’m yours - Jason Mraz  
Everything’s alright - Laura Shigihara  
I don’t feel like dancing - Scissor Sisters 
> 
> Illustration of current Pink Calcite by the author:  
https://www.instagram.com/p/B7WHX7PJ2ON/?igshid=lbvfcq788n25
> 
> Perisong is an OC/Gemsona that belongs to my dear friend that has a special tie to this tale.  
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Song_Apart/pseuds/Song_Apart


	30. The Backyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where's Pink Calcite? Oh hey! There's Pink Calcite! They've been here all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Livereading note: Yes I fucking did. Yes I dared.

"You're not going to help by pacing around, Pearl." 

"Like you've done anything to help the case, Amethyst!"

"Yeah dude, I've searched every place he could have went to, that none of you knew of! He only shared those secrets with me." 

"It didn't help anything. We found nothing!"

"You two." Garnet interrupted the discussion happening. "Quiet down." 

"I didn't start it." Amethyst turned her back on Pearl, crossing her hands. It almost felt like the old times, when they hated each other's guts to the point they wouldn't fuse together. 

"I'm simply saying that we must do something, but no one here wants to do anything." Pearl had her hands on her hips, glaring at the smaller gem. 

"You know that's not true. We're doing everything that depends on us. Wherever Steven is now-"

"Garnet, it's been a  _ month! _ "

A silence fell momentarily as everyone got reminded of the fact that Steven was gone, presumably on Homeworld - a planet that lacked nutrients needed for a proper human habitat - for over a month now. 

"You're not going to contribute to finding him sooner by wallowing in sadness either." 

It was needless to say - Steven's disappearance and the three different ways the Crystal Gems chose to cope with it caused some discord in their harmony. 

Someone came into the throne room that three Gems were in, holding up a projecting screen. 

"If I may." 

"Yes, Perisong?" Garnet greeted her when nobody else did. 

"There is something I think you will find interesting. The Gems of the garden didn't want to report it, since it was a flaw in their job. But for the past month someone has been stealing the food supplies in small amounts." 

The three gems gasped, while Perisong summoned a detailed report of the state of the garden's resources. 

"Do you think it could have been…"

"Steven?"

"In small supplies? How small?"

"3 to 5 fruits a day, occasionally more than once."

"Were you able to track when it happens?"

"Cut them some slack. Only pearls work in there. But I thought you might want to stop by and see for yourself if it is the human you're looking for."

"Half human." Clarified Pearl. 

"Tomato-potato."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said whoever stole all that - also stole tomatoes and potatoes yesterday."

Garnet stepped next to Perisong, looking through her screen as she fixed her visors.

"Has anything been stolen today?" 

"No. Not yet that is. The pearls have been quiet." 

"Perisong. Lead me over to their garden."

~ ~ ~ 

It wasn't a garden as pretty as the Garden Steven and Spinel have been taking care of. More of a greenhouse of vegetables and fruits. There was a circle in the middle where the plants had grown taller - it was illuminated by the suns directly, as it was located underneath the mysterious hole in the glass ceiling. Nobody knew where it came from, but it certainly appeared the day Steven and Spinel disappeared. 

Various Zircons have tried to voice their theory of what took place that day, including the disappearance of Pink Pearl and whether or not it was correlated to the disappearance of a diamond. With immense efforts however, the news have not reached the heights of the Diamonds themselves. 

The suns were shining bright, creating a rainbow under some angles. Garnet almost got side tracked looking at the beauty of it. But she focused. She checked the futures for finding Steven or Spinel. She was surprised to find nothing, and other timelines only showed her search to be fruitless. Seeing nothing in the future she decided to look around with her present eyes instead. This greenhouse of a garden was vast, but nothing too tall grew anywhere, creating an environment hard to hide inside of. 

Garnet sought and sought with hopes of finding either of them. But eventually even she started to despair in finding the two. That's when the distant sound of rustling reached her. 

Finally. 

The fusion made her way to the source of it, slowly, as if she watched out for startling a small animal. What she found was not Steven, and not Spinel. But the two of them together. 

Garnet found Pink Calcite. They were rustling through the leaves of some trees and gathering the fruits that grew on it. 

She sighed. Alright, so they fused. It was half a problem. Actually, it was a whole new problem made of two smaller problems, but it was the one she was equipped to deal with. She just had to figure out whether Steven or Spinel had the wheel. Asking an uncertain fusion which component was driving at the moment was considered rude, so she wouldn’t just ask them. It couldn't possibly be that hard to tell the two apart, could it? 

Garnet walked slowly, but as she was looking ahead of herself she failed to see a twig that fell under her leg. 

The moment it cracked under her foot Pink Calcite lost their balance, dropping all of their gathered booty to flail their hands around, in order to find the balance again. It ultimately failed, and the fusion… hanged upside down from the branch that it had its legs looped around. Calcite let go as they spotted Garnet, falling into the bushes below. 

"Bump! Ow!"

A self made sound effect? It must have been Spinel then… but Steven could have picked that from her? Perhaps it was too soon to tell who had the wheel. 

Garnet stepped closer, holding her hands up. 

"Easy, easy. I don't mean to harm you. I'm not mad. I've been looking for you." 

From the floor that they now laid on, as they watched the stars loop around their head, Pink Calcite finally focused their four googly eyes and looked up at Garnet. 

"You' been looking for me? Were we playing hide ‘n seek?" 

Playing games? Spinel - two, Steven - zero. 

"I was looking because I was worried about you." 

"W-worried?" 

Calcite jumped up, landing on their fours as they crawled backwards, until their back hit a tree and they sat down. They looked up at the tree.  _ No spider webs. Wrong tree.  _

"Of course. You've been gone for a long time." Garnet stood where she was, respecting Pink Calcite's apparent need for space. 

"I've been in the backyard." The fusion shrugged. 

"The… backyard?"

"Yeah, I've been playing games and hiding, because I'm a…" 

Calcite covered their mouth, looking like a child that almost spilled a valuable information. But then they took another look at Garnet. At her raised hands notably, finally noticing two gems on her hands. 

"Gasp! You're a fusion too!" 

Calcite leaped up and stepped closer, now bouncing up and down in front of Garnet. Clearly in excitement. 

"Of course I am. Why... does that surprise you?"

Calcite rubbed their chin, squinting their eyes at Garnet. In her turn Garnet also took her time to look at Calcite. 

The fusion looked slightly different from the last time she saw them, although that was a good while ago. They were smaller. They had a tail - a curl down on their back that was identical to their two top ones. Their four eyes looked completely different. They had a spider type of alignment. Nothing resembled Steven's or Spinel's eyes. This time both pairs would focus on one object at a time. And their attitude was much more child-like, at least so far. And most importantly… Garnet couldn't tell why was either Steven or Spinel pretending that they didn't know what was going on?

"It looks like... you might be one of us!" Calcite stated in excitement. 

"One of you?" 

Calcite crouched down, waving their hand to invite Garnet down to their level. As soon as she sat down to level with the smaller fusion, they whispered into her ear. 

"One of the Renegade Fusions."

Garnet poofed her visors away, to let Calcite see the sheer confusion in her three eyes. 

Calcite didn't seem to recognize her facial expression well. So they settled to interpreter it however they wanted. 

"I think we should go and see others. They are very worried about you." 

"Gasp! You're right!" Pink Calcite quickly gathered up some of the fruits they dropped earlier, then grabbed onto Garnet's hand by the wrist. "They must be so worried! And they'll be glad to meet you too! Let's go, quick, before the Outsiders catch us!"

Giggling loudly, Pink Calcite dragged Garnet with them, through a secret entrance of the greenhouse. Garnet was fairly confused, but followed along so long she could keep her eyes on the smaller fusion. She would have preferred to warn the others about her discovery, but the smaller fusion left her no time for that as they dragged her along this little journey. After all, if this was what Steven wanted to do - who was she to object? 

Calcite led her out of the greenhouse, jumped down from platform to platform, and finally landed next to a thin hole in the dry walls. They shined up their form, making it flat so they could slither between the cracks. Garnet followed, mimicking their act. 

~ ~ ~ 

The two regained their shapes on the other side. It was some sort of an opening between the broken soils of Homeworld. It was fairly dark, although small specks of light made their way through the countless holes in the dirt. One area remained completely in the shadows however, so dark it was impossible to see if anything was hidden in there. There could have been a door to another dimension for all someone could know from looking at it. 

There were two more fusions standing in the light as Pink Calcite and Garnet finally appeared. 

“Hewwo evewyfusion!” Calcite cheered, “I brought a new friend!” 

The two fusions waved at Garnet. They both had four arms. She thought one of them could have been an opal. 

“It’s nice to meet you. But… why are you hiding in here? It’s the new age. Any fusion are free to exist out there.” 

“Not any fusion as it turns out.” Said the opal. 

Pink Calcite, still holding the fruits they gathered, walked over to the opal and reached a clementine for them. 

“There you go, Lightning Ridge Opal!” Calcite smiled wide, proud of themselves for getting this little fruit for their friend. 

Lightning Ridge Opal had their hair falling over their eyes, but their smile shined through regardless. 

“Awww, thanks!” Replied Opal, as they hid the gift of friendship in their mane of a hair. 

“Why would you want to hide away?” Garnet repeated her question, not seeing why a fusion would not want to be out in the modern times. 

“Eh, we’re all just a few long stories.” Replied Opal, “The two of us fused over our admiration of another gem.” They put their hands together, dreamily. “She is just so wonderful…” 

“Then… why didn’t you just fuse with her instead?” 

Lightning Ridge Opal rolled their eyes, “See? That’s the thing we ran from. Everyone kept asking why didn’t we just do this and that. We’re just out here, bro!”

“Sorry. My bad.” Garnet apologized. Truly, a fusion’s reason to fuse or do anything were their own business, and she was not the one to question their morals. 

“It’s fine dude.” Opal smiled at her. 

Pink Calcite moved to the other fusion. It also had four arms, two visible eyes, and a fancy little jester’s hat on their curly head. 

“There you go!” Calcite cheered, reaching out two oranges. “One for you and one for you!” 

“Awww, thanks!” Said the fusion, both different sets of hands reaching for one of the oranges. 

“Have you decided on the name yet?” 

“Not really. We’re not sure what sort of gem are we. But we’re filled with  _ hopes _ that we’ll figure it out someday!” The fusion spoke, and then added in a different tone. “We’ve still got plenty of time. Maybe the things we don’t understand now will make sense when we’re older. We’ve got  _ hopes _ in that too!”

Calcite giggled lightly, supporting their friend despite the lack of understanding them. Just like the fusion in question, Calcite also had hopes in the unknown. 

Their little giggle was interrupted by a sound that resembled someone gagging. 

Garnet looked around, not seeing where the sound could have came from. But Pink Calcite seemed to know what it was. 

The candy fusion walked farther into the shadows of the darker side or the room. Garnet only took few steps towards it, squinting her eyes until she could see a little better in it. But she dared not cross the line that Calcite walked the edge of every single day. 

Pink Calcite sat down next to the last fusion in the room. Just like the others, the fusion had two eyes and four arms on their count. Two lower shorter arms rested by their sides, while the two upper longer arms seemed occupied by weaving a little spider web between them. 

Calcite made a little chuckle as they reached the last fruit towards the fusion. 

“There you go.” 

The fusion didn’t seem to react to their presence. So after a minute of quiet waiting, Pink Calcite slowly placed the tangerine into the spider webs in their arms. The tangerine sunk into the webs, no wiggle room left for it anymore. It couldn't escape if it wanted to. Not like it wanted to though. Because it was just a tangerine, and tangerines didn't want anything. Tangerine was a snack. 

Having done that, Calcite slowly retreated from the quiet fusion, winking at it on their way out. 

Pink Calcite stepped into the light again, looking up at Garnet with a wide smile. 

“So, what’s your name then? You’ve met all of us. We want to know your name too!” 

Why was Pink Calcite - or rather Steven or Spinel - still pretending that they didn’t know who Garnet was? Then again, they might have known, but needed her to introduce herself to the others. Or maybe that’s the reason they were pretending - they didn’t want other fusions to get suspicious of anything? 

“I don’t believe I’ve gotten every fusion’s name right yet.” Garnet apologized. 

“Oh! Right! Let’s go through the cast one more time then!" Calcite beamed up, jumping around as they pointed at the fusions. 

“This is Lightning Ridge Opal! Messy, but goodie - they’re simply wonderful!” 

Calcite spun around, now pointing both of their hands at the other fusion. 

“This one doesn’t have a gem name yet, but boy are they hopeful! Never met anyone so filled with hopes as those buddies are!” 

Calcite jumped up, leaping over Garnet’s head with a twist. They landed before her, pointing at the fusion in the shadows. 

“And that’s my bestest-est-est friend, the-” 

“Pinkie.” 

The fusion in the shadows stood up. Their two lower hands held together behind their back, while one of the upper arms held the tangerine up to their mouth. They revealed a mouth full of razor sharp teeth just to bite into the citrus, before promptly dropping the bitten fruit to the ground. Having done that, the fusion slowly walked towards the light side of the room. Only stopping when they stood right next to Garnet, looking up at the newcomer fusion with emotionless eyes. 

“I can introduce myself.” The fusion said, talking to Pink Calcite while they stared at Garnet intently. “That’s one of the many talents I excel at.” 

“Oh, wight, wight! You do you.” Calcite stood right behind them, bouncing up and down excitedly. 

Garnet waited, letting the strange fusion name themselves. But they simply kept standing there, drilling into her soul with their two mismatched eyes. 

Running out of patience, Garnet motioned for them to talk. 

“I said I can. Not that I will.” Explained the fusion, shrugging. They glanced over their shoulder, at Pink Calcite. “But just so you have a name to dread - let’s say I am… the Red Calcite.” 

Pink Calcite giggled, as if they had never heard that name before, but somehow felt flattered by it. 

“That’s not the name you had yesterday.” Sang Pink Calcite, coming closer and throwing their hands around the fusion’s shoulders. Away from their sharp shoulder spikes. 

“I may not want a  _ complete stranger I’ve never met  _ to know my name right away. Have you thought of that, Pinkie?” Paired the ‘Red Calcite’.

“Oh, right! Sowwy. You have your comfowt boundawies, and I’ll wespect them, Redsie!” Replied the candy scented fusion behind them. 

“Right…” Garnet shook her head, confused by the scenery. “Calcite?”

“Yes?” Replied both Calcites.

“ _ Pink _ Calcite. You said this is your best friend?”

“Yeah!” Pink Calcite wagged their newly acquired tail. “They’re really great, they do a lot of cool tricks and know a lot of fun games! We’ve been playing a lot in the backyard!” 

“What about you, Red Calcite?” 

Red Calcite chuckled, “You could say Pinkie and I have a lot more in common than one would think.” 

Garnet tried to look down at the mysterious fusion’s gems. They both nestled sweetly on their chest and belly, framed by the unzipped jacket. Seeing where Garnet’s eyes went, Red Calcite cackled and zipped up their magenta jacket. They hid their gems away before she could tell which one either was, although she did think that the upper one may have been a spinel. 

“Haven’t your components taught you that it’s rude to stare at a fusion’s gems? My eyes are up here, you know.” 

Garnet stared at the fusion's eyes this time. She did not like their tone, but tried to keep her cool with them. 

"What do you two have in common then?"

"We both ran from the gems who only loved our components. Not us for who we are. Heh. You could even say we ran from the same Gems." 

"Pink Calcite? Is that true? Who… told you anything like that?" 

Pink Calcite looked around in confusion, before they pointed at themselves. "Say what now? Who, me? Oh, I don't exactly remember. But Redsie says that's how my story went and I trust them." 

"Well. I don't think that's how your story went. And I knew you before Red Calcite." 

Garnet didn't like the sound of that backstory at all. Who was that fusion to be telling Pink Calcite who they were, let alone lying about it? Why was Pink Calcite listening to them at all? Or were they… playing along? 

Of course. Now Garnet got the picture. Of course, this was either Steven or Spinel. And they were referring to the gems not wanting to see them for a fusion they were pretending to be. Of course, that's so obvious. 

"I dunno…" said Pink Calcite, their twin tails dropping down, "I wouldn't wanna be around Gems who don't see me for who I am…" they tapped their fingers on Red Calcite's shoulder. "Even if I don't really know who I am…" 

"I'm sorry." Garnet said, catching their attention. "But if you come with me now - I promise that this time we will respect you for who you are, Pink Calcite. We'll use your right name and pronoun. It's they and them, right?" 

"Owo? Well I don't mind anything you wanna call me, but I do like they and them for myself." 

"Come on. Stand your ground, Pinkie." Red Calcite interrupted. "It's they/them. You're worth just as much respect as your components."

"Come with me." Said Garnet. "We miss you at home. We will do it right this time." 

Pink Calcite tightened their arms around Red Calcite, rubbing their face against theirs.

"But I am home." 

Red Calcite smiled with a pleased, curvy grin worthy of a Cheshire cat, baring their sharp fangs. 

"I like it here, in the backyard. It's safe and warm. I get to be myself. I get to play and I get to cherish my friends." Pink Calcite kept talking. 

Red Calcite waited, letting their triumph sink in. Then their lower arms reached around, grabbing Pink Calcite by the hips and bringing them to the front before Garnet. 

"But then again. If Garnet says she is willing to try and do it right this time… who's to say that you can't put a little hope into her efforts?" They said. 

The hopeful fusion from behind the scenery jumped up. 

"Yeah! Have some hopes in her love!" 

Pink Calcite pouted at Garnet, addressing Red Calcite as they were looking at her. "Oof… well, if you say so, Redsie…" 

Garnet was pleasantly surprised by that turn of events. But at the same time, something about the way Red Calcite spoke still got under her skin. 

Wait. When did she get to name herself for the fusion to know her name and pronoun? She didn't recall doing that. 

"Fine then!" Pink Calcite grabbed onto Garnet's hand, shaking it vigorously. "I'll go to your home since you  _ want  _ me there! Hehe, maybe we'll play fun games there?" 

Pink Calcite turned around, giving Red Calcite a tight hug. The fusion that was only slightly taller than them rolled their mismatched eyes. But their lower hands hugged the fusion back. 

Reluctantly, the upper ones soon joined in.

"Pat, pat. You be good there. Put some hopes in them." Red Calcite glanced at Garnet over their smaller friend's shoulder. 

"I'm sure they won't fail your hopes and leave you in…" 

"Wait!" Lightning Ridge Opal interrupted. "What are we supposed to do without Pink Calcite? They're the one who scavenges for food. ...Not like we need to eat, but it's fun to." 

Garnet turned around to the other fusions. 

"I welcome all of you to come out of the shadows and give this world another chance. I can help you find your place." 

"Aww. You make it sound so hopeful!" Said the hopeful fusion. "We'll give it another chance! Just for you." 

Opal shrugged with both sets of hands. 

"Alright. Whatever. So long there's fun." 

Pink Calcite finally let go of hugging Red Calcite, stepping back. They continued to bounce up and down in excitement. 

"What about you, Redsie? Are you coming with us?"

Red Calcite stuck their forked tongue out. 

“I prefer having privacy to experience myself.”

“Aww! I’ll miss you!!” 

“I’ll be slightly more bored without you.” 

Pink Calcite’s intensity of bouncing raised up. They giggled, covering their face as if they just heard words of true love come from the indifferent fusion. 

Garnet reached her hand and the familiar Calcite took it, following her out like a child being picked up from the kindergarten. 

“Pinkie.” The shady fusion called over the last minute. 

Calcite stopped, making Garnet stop as well as they looked back. 

“Ye?” 

With a dark shadow forming over the top of their face, Red Calcite chuckled. They spoke slowly, without breaking a beat. 

“When the world outside inevitably fails to fruit the loops of your hopeful expectations…” They paused minutely to spread their four arms out, as if inviting the other fusion for another hug. Or showing off the beautiful tail of a peacock that they symbolised, with the way their hands spread out. “Come find me in our backyard. And we will wallow in despair together.” 

Pink Calcite giggled innocently, waving their free hand. 

“I’ll see you around, Redsie!” 

With that, Garnet led Pink Calcite out of the cave the same way they first entered it. 

Red Calcite glanced over at the hopeful fusion. 

“Can I interest you in a Lobster Thermidor? Your good friend helped make the dish. He put his heart into it.”

The hopeful fusion took their jester hat off, checking inside to see if their pet lobster was still there. 

~ ~ ~ 

The warp pad activated. Calcite stood calmly, looking around the unfamiliar house like a shy kid who was brought to a public event for the first time. 

“I found them.” Garnet announced to the gems who sat on the couch, awaiting her return. 

Pearl and Amethyst jumped up, rushing over towards the newcomers - and stopping when they saw Pink Calcite next to Garnet. 

“This is Pink Calcite.” Garnet clarified, in case that wasn’t clear from looking at them. “And we’re going to respect them for who they are.” 

Calcite waved their hand shyly. 

Pearl was the first to come closer. She opened her mouth, but Garnet raised a hand at her, warning her to use the right name here. 

“...Calcite?” 

“Hewwo.” 

“Greetings…” Was there even a meaning to apologising now? Pearl had rehearsed the things she had planned to tell Steven for a month now. But she never thought that this is how she would see him again after such a long time. “I’m… glad to see you.” 

“I’m glad to meet you too!” Calcite replied, sticking their arm out for a hand shake. 

Pearl flinched when their hand came too close to her head. But she hid that gesture up by taking their hand the next moment and shaking it back. 

“Meet? I… I don’t suppose our last encounter could count for a proper meeting. I suppose you’re right to want to start over.” 

“Start over?” Calcite blinked with confusion in their four eyes. 

“Hey dude.” Amethyst came closer, taking a good look at the fusion she had no good memories of. “How’s it baking?” 

“Baking? I baked eggs in the oven.” 

An awkward silence formed for a minute. 

Calcite grabbed onto their hair, dragging their hands down the curls nervously. 

“It was uhm… a game… sorry, did I… say something wrong?” 

“Oh, no!” Garnet placed her hand on their shoulder, next to the heart shaped shoulder pad. “It's not that far off from cooking cereal anyways. You’ve said nothing wrong. We just haven’t heard of that game before.” 

“Oh! Well, I’d love to play the games you know then!” 

The crystal gems exchanged concerned looks. 

“We can play games. But I think it’s best that you rest for a while, S- uh! Pink Calcite. You’ve had a very stressful time lately.”

“I did?”

Garnet sighed. 

“With us, you did. So we want you to understand that… we won’t hold you up to any expectations this time. Or any limits. We only ask that you sleep at home this time.”

Calcite crooked their head to the side with an adorableness of a curious puppy. 

“Thank you?” 

“Do you want to go to your room now?” 

The four black pupils shined up with stars inside of them. 

“I have my own room?!” 

“Ah, right, sorry. To Steven’s room, which you can occupy by now. We welcome you stay - in the room - for however long you want to, Pink Calcite.” 

“I’m a little confused, but you’ve got my spirit!” 

~ ~ ~ 

That “Steven’s room” was a curious place. It was fairly small, but lit up with so much sunlight - it kept the room warm. There were boxes here and there with the items Calcite didn’t know about the mental value of. There were clothes. A lot of clothes. Weird. Whoever lived here before them must have loved cloning clothes, because they were all identical shirts with yellow stars. 

And there were toys!  _ Finally some good freaking things. _

Calcite grabbed up the little beanies they found around the room and in the boxes, and threw them all to the bed, making a little nest out of the blankets and pillows to keep them all in. They especially loved the little teddy bear they found on a tall red chair, so they put it on top of the other toys. It looked like a panda, but as if it was made by someone who had never seen what a panda looks like, and has only heard that it's supposed to be a black and white bear. 

In other words it was miscoloured. One side was completely white while the other was completely black. Or was it purplish dark ebony? 

Looking at the toys around them in their little nest, Calcite suddenly felt a strange calling. Instinctively, they reached a hand towards their upper gem and… 

It shined up, making two items materialize out of its light. A little black bottle that was partially covered in spider webs, and a toy snake. 

Calcite held the toy up, looking at it. They spun it around in their hands, stimming by poking it and exploring every corner of it. They liked that it had a little forked tongue sticking out. It reminded them of something good… 

But the toy snake reminded them of nothing else. They tossed it away, over their shoulder. 

“Bleh. I’ve got better toys here.” 

They picked up the little bottle. Not sure what was it or where was it supposed to go. It was half emptied anyways. 

And then a memory popped up into their head. A memory they were not supposed to possess. Just a strange feeling that they suddenly knew where the little bottle went…

Calcite jumped up from the bed, landing down with a little clop, and getting on their knees by its side. They pulled out a little box from underneath it, opening it up despite the “Do not open!” band on it. 

“This little band with hieroglyphics won’t stop me because I can’t read.” 

Calcite giggled, looking at the insides of the box as if they were doing something they weren’t supposed to. But then again, their whole existence sometimes felt like it. 

There was a pair of cat ears that seemed fit to be worn by a human. And there was a strange thick two-coloured stick in it too. And a pair of cuffs. After some consideration Calcite realized what the box was… 

_ This is a box of a cat police officer cosplay supplies!  _

_ Obviously. Duh. What else can it be?  _

Calcite put the cat ears on and fastened the cuffs on their nonexistent belt. They waved the stick around. 

“Whoop whoop! This is the cat police! The pawlice! Uwu!” 

They pointed the stick at the miscoloured bear toy. 

“There’s been a purrr-der around here, I’m feline paw-sitive that we can unravel this yarn ball of mystery together!” 

Having done that show for nobody to see, Calcite carefully hid the objects and the dark bottle back inside of the box, then closed it up and shoved it back under the bed. 

They did it just in time before Garnet came into the room. 

“You were playing?” 

“Oh, yeah. I found lotsa toys. I think I like this place! Thank you for bringing me here again!” 

Calcite approached one of the cabinets, looking through them. There were only more clothes there.  _ No soup in sight. _ One of them - the one next to a mirror - had a lot of cute hair clips though. 

"Of course I brought you here. This is your home." Garnet stood behind Calcite, looking over their head and into the mirror. 

"Home isn't a place." Calcite fastened a hair clip with a white bunny on it to their right pigtail, and a little red and white bow to their left one. "It's a person." 

"Are you home?" Garnet asked, coming closer towards Calcite. 

Calcite stayed very quiet, staring into the mirror. 

_ Who is this... Whose face is this... _

Calcite reached a hand and placed their palm against the plain reflective surface. 

"I'm… not home." They finally replied. 

Before Garnet could get concerned and reply however, they turned the upper part of their body 180° and added. 

"I'm Pink Calcite!" They laughed. 

Garnet sighed in relief. 

"Fair point." 

She walked around the room, finding the toy snake laying away from all other toys on the bed. She picked it up. 

"This one fell off." 

Calcite blew raspberries through their lips. 

"No it didn't. I just don't like this one." 

"What?!"

"Not my favie colour." Calcite pouted, coming closer towards Garnet. 

" _ Calcite!? _ " Garnet noted. Her tone portrayed a clear disappointed confusion. A resent.

That tone, that look in her eyes… switched a very wrong lever inside of Pink Calcite's mind. 

They clenched their little gloved hands, holding them by their sides. 

"I'm sorry? I'm sorry, what did I do wrong?!" 

Seeing the worry it stirred in the smaller fusion, Garnet tried to soften her expression and posture. 

"No, no you didn't do anything wrong. I just thought this one would be more important to you. This is a gift that Steven got for Spinel on their first date. His first gift to her too." 

Not fully convinced, Calcite focused their eyes on the toy. They took it from Garnet's hands, and carried over to the bed stand. 

"Right. Right. You say this is important. So it'll… go here! On the special super important place! There! Now it's important enough, right?"

"Calcite, you don't have to worry. I merely asked. If that's your choice - then it's your choice how to value items. It's okay. Do you hear me?" 

Calcite was staring with their four eyes open wide and darting around.

"You did nothing wrong."

"I did nothing wrong?"

"Yes. Nothing wrong. You can do whatever you want." Garnet raised her hands and slowly lowered them down. Exhaling as she did that. 

As she hoped they would, Calcite mirrored her motion. Breathing in and out slowly, until they were calm again. 

"No expectations, Calcite." 

"No expectations." Calcite repeated, calming down. 

"I think I'll leave you to get acquainted with all of this for a little longer." Garnet headed out. "Come down to find us if you need anything. Or if you want to see us…" 

Garnet stopped at the start of the stairs, turning to look at the fusion one last time. Calcite nodded, grabbing the teddy bear and clinging tightly to it. Receiving nothing else from them, she exited the room. 

Calcite sighed out, falling onto the bed with the toy over their chest. 

"Everyone wants me to come find them. But whom do I want to come to?…"

They raised the toy up, looking at it. 

"Whom do I wanna be… I'm the master of me…" they rehearsed the lines they knew nothing about the origin of. 

"How do I do it all right?" 

Calcite placed the toy down, curling up in the nest of beanies that they made for themselves. 

"Guess I just hope for the best and wing it as it goes..." 

"...I don't feel at home." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perisong belongs to song-apart on tumblr.   
Lightning Ridge Opal is an OC fusion between Jay's (jay-stranger on tumblr) and Muffin's (themessyrooms on tumblr) OCs - Messy and Godee.   
Hope the Hopeful Fusion is a fusion OC between Crystal's (crystalnwings) and Clever's (lilaclever) OCs.   
I will leave Red Calcite for you to call by their true name.


	31. The House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink Calcite exited the back yard and moved to exploring the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for domestic abuse.

"Good morning mister sun."

Calcite peeked up from under the fluffy cream-coloured duvet. They tied the top two corners around their neck, nabbed one of the stuffed toys they had left strewn across the floor and walked to the makeshift balcony. 

It was a gorgeous sunset. Some long-forgotten memory told Calcite it was "autumn" on this planet, and that it was a usually warm one. Still, Calcite closed their blanket cape around themselves, rubbing at their sleepy eyes. Starting with the top two, then the bottom ones in turn. Some seagulls flew overhead and off over the ocean then past the horizon, screaming out odes to nature in a language she'd gifted them with. 

The fusion got on their tippy-toes as if trying to see the sky closer. 

A shout of their name brought Calcite back down to earth. They slipped inside and down the stairs, still wearing their cape and holding their plush companion. 

"Good morning Pink Calcite." 

The fusion didn't notice who said it, but they nodded and took a seat at the kitchen counter. A moment later, Pearl presented them with a meal they've never seen before. It sure smelled delicious and finally woke up the diminutive fusion, showing them that there were things worth coming down for. Things like corn flakes and fruit gummies for breakfast. 

As Calcite set about vigorously emptying the bowl, Pearl conferred with the other Crystal Gems. 

"Do you think we should ask them about…" Pearl trailed off, letting the question linger. 

"No," Garnet replied. "Right now, we need to work on earning Pink Calcite's trust. I know that if we give them space and love them for who they are, not who they could be, they'll eventually open up to us."

Pearl sighed, but she also knew it was the only thing they could do. When backed into a corner, Spinel became a terrified animal, and through fusion and prolonged physical contact she had given that mindset to Steven, Or, that's what the Gems in the room thought.

Going off that assumption, they realised that the best thing to win the feral cat's trust was to give it food and wait for it to come to them. 

What they failed to account for was that Pink Calcite was not a cat. Instead, they were somewhere between a pony and a bunny with the pinch of scorpion tossed in for good measure. At the moment, their pony appearance and bunny habits were on full display, while the scorpion parts were a surprise tool that would help them later.

After devouring their breakfast, Calcite shed their blanket cocoon, stretcing their arms out like a beautiful butterfly waking after metamorphosis. If they were a butterfly, they'd have been a Blue Morpho, because Calcite was also not quite what they seemed to the eye. 

Pink Calcite hopped over to their new friends - giving each Gem a hug and a few words of gratitude for a yummy meal. 

After receiving a few head pats from Garnet, and no specific instructions for the rest of their day, Pink Calcite decided that they would start exploring their new surroundings. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Mmmmm! Goodie! That was defiantly the greatest thing I've ever had in my mouth! So delicate, maybe a little bland, yet with such a delightful taste! And a pleasant aftertaste too!" Calcite put a hand against their mouth and blew a kiss with included sound effects. "My kudos to the chief! But what's the name of this intricate meal?" 

"It's… a glass of water." Lars replied slowly. 

~~~

"Who's the bimbo fawning over a glass of water?" 

"No idea. They just walked in and started staring at the candy." 

"Candy?" 

"Yes, those ones especially." 

"Mhm..."

~~~ 

Pink Calcite had their four eyes focused on the glass of water, counting the bubbles on the straw until a shadow loomed over them. Calcite looked up at the human offering them a pack of candies.

Calcite gasped in excitement, accepting the offering and grabbing it with both hands like a toddler. 

"Fwuit gummies!! For me?"

"All for you, doll." The human said, sitting down at the table Pink Calcite was occupying. 

The oblivious fusion ripped open the bag. 

"Thank you mistah!" Pink Calcite trilled. 

"You're welcome." The human reached over to Calcite, trying to put his hand on their arm. "It's Kevin."

Pinkie blew a raspberry in Kevin's direction. 

"No, silly! It's fwuit gummies!" Calcite corrected, devouring a gummy bear mercilessly. 

Kevin clutched his reached hand into a fist. 

"Ah. So you're a blondie." He leaned over the table towards Calcite. "I've cracked harder nuts. So, you come here often?" 

Calcite grabbed a yellow and a purple gummy bear. They used the back of a plastic spoon to cut the two in half and mismatched them together. For their next trick, they removed the head of one of the gummies and placed it onto another. They seemed too focused on their food play to realise that Kevin was still talking. 

Kevin tapped his fingers on the table, trying to win back some attention. When that proved ineffective, he reached out and twisted a finger into one of Calcite's curls. 

"You've got interesting hair colour, baby." 

Calcite glanced up at their hair being stroked. 

"You want sum'?"

Pink Calcite grabbed their own curl and tugged until the piece snapped off. A new one immediately formed in its place. They held the detached curl out toward Keven.

Kevin waved his hand in a "no thanks" motion, but Calcite took the initiative and shoved the curl into his mouth anyway. 

"Aww, don't be shy! There's plenty more where that came from!"

Kevin was about to choke when the curl melted in his mouth, leaving behind the taste of chocolate-covered zephyr. 

"Wh-what the fuck…" 

Calcite continued to mind their own business. 

After some consideration, Kevin attempted to communicate again. 

"Say… if you like playing so much, why don't we have a playdate?"

"A playdate?!" Calcite shined up at the sound of their favourite word. "I love playing!" 

"I bet." Kevin chuckled. "My place or yours?" 

"Hehehe, I bet you don't have even halwf the cool toys I've got at my pwace!"

"Oh, really?" Kevin crossed his hands under his chin. "Well, I'd love to see your toys…" 

"Wet's go then!" Calcite hopped up, grabbing the fruit gummies with one hand and the human with the other as they ran towards the exit and through the streets. 

"Whoa, whoa! That's a quick switch." The human mused as he got dragged. "I don't even know if I want someone that gives in that eagerly…" 

After they left, Lars stepped outside of his bakery, clutching a handful of bills. 

"Kevin…" he hissed with barely contained rage in his voice. 

The bills were fake. 

~ ~ ~

"Tada! Behold, my current habitat!" Pink Calcite laughed as they toured the strange human around Steven's room. "It's not my natural one. It's not even my room! They said someone else lived here before, but I could have it until they came back, or something. Oh, oh! Do you want a star shirt? I have a lot of spares. They're too small for me, but we can stitch doll clothes out of them!"

"Sounds nice, Sweetcheeks …" Kevin wasn't listening, as he eyed the bed in the middle of the room. "So… you mentioned having an impressive set of toys?"

"Yeah, yeah! Hehe. You're looking at them!"

Calcite jumped over their bed, bouncing on it a few times, making the collection of stuffed animals jump with them. They settled down and grabbed a black and white teddy bear.

"This one is my favourite! It reminds me of my best-est friend!" Pink Calcite grinned and hugged the bear close. "Look. I'm not supposed to tell, but…" they leaned over, whispering loud enough to qualify as theatrical, "my friend is from a different dimension!"

"Uhu."

"They're kinda like me, because they're also me, but also not me, a different me-"

"Uhu."

"But shhhhh! Nobody is saposta know because they ran away."

"Uhu."

"It's a super, duper, pooper, secret!"

"Uhu."

"Also, Redsie isn't their real name. Their real name isn't even a gem one, it's-"

"Look, chick, I'm not here for the trivia about your exes." Kevin interrupted. "I'm here to have some fun; if you catch my drift."

Kevin sat down on the bed, resting his hand by his hip and leaning close to Calcite, nonchalantly.

"I'm not really into age play, or whatever you've got going on… but I'm willing to try anything if you can make it interesting."

"Age play?" Pink Calcite squinted four eyes at Kevin. "Ooooh! You mean you wanna play house? Okay then! You can be the baby, and I'll be the… uh…"

Calcite glanced down at the toy in their hands. They were sure that there were commonly used words for the roles of this game. Calcite knew them but didn't know the meaning. Neither could they recall how'd they know those words at all. How… strange.

"Uh… mommy or daddy?"

"Eh. Not really my thing." Kevin sat up, looking around. "Where are your toys anyways? Let's see what we're working with."

On command, Calcite grabbed a toy puppy and shoved it in Kevin's face.

"They're right here, silly!"

Kevin took the puppy and tossed it aside.

"I mean real toys, dollface."

"Oh? Uhm… there's a Barbie in the closet?" They whispered the next part. "It's best to let her come out on her own. She's been having an identity crisis for a while now..."

Kevin facepalmed, starting to think that someone had lit the fuse and missed the candle. In fact, they didn't bring the candle at all. They brought Play-Doh instead and sculpted the candle out of it.

Pink Calcite mulled over his words for a while, until an idea popped up in their mind as swiftly as a light bulb lighting up over their head.

"Holy fucking hell! Did that lightbulb just appear out of nowhere?!?!"

Calcite tossed the plush toys aside, slid off the bed and retrieved a box from underneath the bed.

"Oh, now you're talking."

Calcite pulled out the thick stick, holding it out towards Kevin.

"That thing? Is that the toy you wann'ed?"

"Yeah, I… I, uh..."

"Meh. It's kinda boring." Calcite shrugged. "I've already played aaall the games I could think to play with it."

Kevin gaped at the size of the toy, his eyes widening to nearly double as he stared back at Calcite.

"Seriously! I played police officer, and doctor, and even teacher with it! It's just below my level." Calcite somewhat proudly talked about their imaginative abilities. "What about you? You want a turn with it? Can you get creative with it?"

Kevin stared at the toy that Pink Calcite had to hold with their whole hand. Then at Calcite, blinking innocently. Waiting. Then he slowly got up. Took a small step back. Then another larger one. And then Kevin ran away, down the stairs, out of the door, down the other flight of stairs, and back towards the town, only to never be seen again.

The fusion shrugged, putting the toys away again.

"I guess he was late somewhere else." 

~~~

Pink Calcite leaned over the edge of the staircase, squinting down at the Gem sitting on the couch. 

"What'chu got there?"

"A phone." Said Garnet. 

"Ooo, Doyuh have games on it?" Calcite asked, eyes shining. 

"It's not mine." 

"Then who's is it?"

After pausing to consider her choice of words, Garnet replied. 

"It's half yours."

The smaller fusion jumped and landed on the couch next to her. 

"Can it be the half with the games on it?" 

"I supposed the previous owner wouldn't mind you using it. So…" Garnet offered the mobile phone to Calcite. 

Pinkie took it carefully, as if they had been gifted a fragile key to the universe. They swiped it open, intrigued by the world that this little device opened for them. 

Out of nowhere, Pink Calcite got an idea. They typed a number they knew by heart and sent a two-word message to it. 

_ "Hey Redsie." _

Hmm. No reply. … They must have not heard me! I need to send it louder. 

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Hey Redsie!" _

_ "Keep going, babe. It's on vibration." _

Pink Calcite read that message several times, cherishing the fact Red had replied to them for a moment before they attempted to ponder on the meaning of those words. 

"Hmm. They must be busy with 'vibration'. Whatever that means. I better leave them to it, like a kind and caring best friend!"

Calcite switched to exploring the other apps.

"What's Instagram?" 

Something jumped down from the kitchen counter and crash-landed next to them.

"Man, I knew Steven had one!" Amethyst proudly announced, glancing over at Garnet and Pearl. "He was always like 'Nah, I never made one, it promotes unhealthy and unrealistic body expectations, blah blah blah'. Heh!" 

Pink Calcite was confused but allowed Amethyst to sit next to them as they looked through the account in question. After Amethyst's regaled them with a slang-filled explanation, Calcite did what the earthlings called "Snapping a selfie" of themselves. 

Filters were applied

And online it went. 

"Who's gonna see it now?" Calcite asked. 

The saccharine fusion slumped down on the couch, mimicking Amethyst's posture on the other side of the sectional sofa. They held the phone at arms length so Amethyst could still see what they were doing. 

"Everyone will." 

"Everyone?"

"Well, yeah, duh, but also, no. Like, 5 people might." 

"Are 5 people - the 'everyone'?" 

Amethyst shrugged. "They could be. If they're, like, enough."

The fusion turned their head, staring at Amethyst as if she held all the answers in the universe. Or as if Pink Calcite was trying to read her soul. 

"And… how do you, like, know if they're the everyone?" 

"Dude, it's like… if they're important - like kind and nice and a family - they could be enough." 

"Dude, but how do you, like, tell if they're family?" Calcite replied, mimicking Amethyst's cadence. 

Amethyst shrugged once more. 

"You just kinda know, bro." 

"Cool. Thanks, bro." 

"Anytime, bro." 

A sound of a spoon clinking against the inside of a cup came from the kitchen. Pearl walked over to Garnet, asking if she wanted any of her caffeinated beverage, before they focused on the two - well, three - gems that were hanging out on the couch. Neither had any reason to be worried but it still felt right to keep an eye on them. 

"What's tumbler?" Asked Calcite. 

"Eh. You go there to be petty. But you can also look at cats and colour palettes there. Just don't take any of it too seriously." 

"Hmmm…" Calcite tapped the app, looking through the remnants of Steven's dashboard. 

"What's fanart?" 

"A visual way to tell someone 'Hey you! Yes, you! You did something that's fucking amazing! It's so amazing it made me want to make something too, so I made this for ya! You keep being amazing!'"

"Whoa! And you say all that by drawing a simple picture?" 

"Yeah." 

"I wanna make fanart!" 

"Heh, okay dude, you can borrow my paper and pencils for it." 

"Ohh, awesome, thank you!" Calcite thought about it for an extra second for once, "Wait… whom do I make fanart for?" 

"Idk, whatever you like." 

_ I like Redsie… _ "I like… cats. Can I do fanart for cats?" 

Amethyst nodded at them. 

"Lotta people draw cats." 

"Oooh! I should probably see how others do it! Maybe I can pick some art tips." 

Calcite opened the search tab, and after zero deliberation, typed in what they wanted to see. 

"Pussy cats!" 

"Dude, I don't think that's how you-" Amethyst didn't get to finish her attempt at preventing the wrong search from happening. 

Calcite suddenly became a little quieter, pouting down at the phone. Amethyst looked at the screen and doubled over from her laughter. 

"I don't think those are kitties." Calcite pouted like a disappointed child. 

Calcite closed the app, turned the phone off, and slowly put it flat against the side of the couch, letting it fall down into the endless void between the couch pillows. 

"I think that's enough internet for the rest of my life." Pink Calcite concluded. 

~~~

"14, 15, 16… Thank you." Pearl smiled at Pink Calcite, accepting the 17th folded shirt from them and placing it into the drawer. "It's so nice to have some help. I… never knew you had such a passion for folding! You're getting almost as good as I am at it."

Calcite didn't acknowledge the compliment. To them, picking up the shirts and folding them according to instructions became a repetitive activity that they focused on and happily performed. They couldn't quite tell why - it just felt good to do the same thing over and over. Getting the same predictable results. This was almost as fun as sorting the cans in the pantry by colour and size was earlier.

Pearl taped their shoulder to catch their attention.

"That's the last one. Thank you, sweetie."

"Oof, but I loved doing that… You're welcome!" Calcite bounced up and down, excited for the next activity they could find a repetition in, "I wanna do more!"

"That's all I have for now."

Pearl smiled, heading out. But Calcite followed her all the way back down the stairs. Pearl glanced over her shoulder, sighed softly, and murmured, "Why couldn't you be this way before…"

"I've always been this way!" The month-old fusion giggled, "I just haven't always known you! But I'm glad I do now."

Pearl stopped in the middle of the living room.

"Why are you...?"

"I dunno. I'm just me! And it's-"

"Why are you acting like this, Steven?" Pearl turned sharply to face them.

Calcite took a step back, looking around helplessly, confused by her words.

"?!?!, ?!?!?!?." Calcite's face portrayed, wordlessly.

"You're just hurting everyone."

Pearl planted a hand on her hip the other pointing at the fusion.

Calcite stepped back, shrugging in confusion.

"I'm… sorry. Did I do something wrong?" Calcite asked. 

"Yes, you did!" Pearl threw both of her hands up, coming closer towards the fusion. "This isn't even the first time you've done this! First Rose left me to take care of you, now you want me to pretend you're not here while we all have to care for and act like we suddenly love Pink Calcite, just because they're a part of you, or you are a part of them, or whatever you were thinking..." Pearl covered her face, shaking her head, "I don't even want to know anymore. I am just so tired of your pointless games, forcing us to prove ourselves to you over and over."

Calcite raised their hands up to their chest, flailing them helplessly. Pearl was mad, angry, sad - they could just feel it. But there was nothing they could have done to help. Why was she acting like this? Was it something they did?

It must have been. They did something wrong.

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not. Or you'd unfuse and put an end to this."

"I'm sorry?" Calcite clenched their fists. They didn't want to cry. "I'm sorry, please tell me how to fix this…"

"I just told you!" Pearl pointed her finger at Calcite, holding her hand right before their face. "Stop acting oblivious. You know exactly what you're doing. And you have the nerve to look me in the eyes and pretend that you don't?!"

Pearl's hands were shaking.

And then she did something she would grow to regret for years to come. But not then. And not now. And not here.

Right here, right now - she thought she was doing the right thing.

The pointing hand curled into a fist that flew against Pink Calcite's cheek.

Calcite recoiled, Stumbling back and rubbing their hurt cheek. Nothing could have helped them hold back their tears now. Calcite sobbed, covering their head.

"I'm sorry!!"

This resulted in the opposite effect of what they wanted, making Pearl wish to prove her point further.

Pearl came closer, forcing Calcite's hands away from their face, then bringing her hand down with force. The slaps echoing long after impact. 

"My eyes! My eyes!!" Calcite screamed. 

"Then unfuse! Unfuse and this will stop! This is what you are making everyone else feel. You're doing this to yourself. Not me." Pearl let them go, stepping back to catch her breath.

Calcite ran away as soon as she let go. They curled up by the side of the stairs, holding onto their face.

Pearl thought it was such a pathetic display. Steven would rather withstand the pain than stop hurting her.

Now that her rage had exploded, Pearl started to calm down. Her conscience woke up again. She looked down at her hands, then at the small crying ball of fluff by the side of the stairs. She rubbed at the sides of her head.

"I guess this is hopeless." She said to herself, "This is just my life now. Following the pink diamond to whoever gets it next."

She lowered her hands down to her sides.

"I'm so tired."

Pink Calcite was busy quivering in fear, they didn't notice when Pearl left the room. When they felt that they were alone, they slowly shifted onto their knees. Calcite wiped their cheeks and looked at their hands.

Their tears were black.

They rubbed at their chin.

The same black oozy liquid was flowing from their mouth.

How strange.

Calcite crawled over to the couch, climbing onto it like a small child and burying their face in the pillow that they curled around. The black goo stained the pillowcase. 

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone… I don't wanna be hurting anyone… I want everyone to be happy, why… why was I hurting them? How?!" 

They raised their head. Calcite's breathing was ragged. They couldn't inhale without the lungs they didn't have skipping a beat and making them intake air sharply. It continued for a while. The fusion didn't know the word "hyperventilation", but today they learned the meaning of it.

"I did something wrong." They concluded. "I didn't want to… I don't know how to fix it. Should I… I could ask her…?"

Thinking about facing Pearl to clarify what she meant by "unfusing", Calcite ended up deciding against that plan.

It's best not to face her for some time. They didn't want to be hurt again.

Calcite breathed in and out slowly. Counting to three as they took air in, waiting for a second, and taking the same three seconds to breathe out.

"I'll be fine… I'll just… do better. Then I won't be hurt. Yeah. I'll do better. I'll do right."

Calcite looked down at the pillow they were hugging.

It wasn't stained anymore. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Are ya ready for round three?" Amethyst asked, holding the bat in the air, her voice raised in excitement. 

"I was born ready, babey!" Calcite replied, holding up a golf club, "...I think."

"Then we're off to it." 

The two friends were halfway out of the house when Pearl called them over. 

"Where are you two going with those?" 

Amethyst turned around and stuck her hip out at Pearl, as she leaned on the baseball bat. Calcite stood behind her. 

"To town, duh. We're gonna set a dumpster on fire!"

"What?!"

"Don't worry, we'll take the trash out first." 

The neat-freak gem stuck her nose in the air. 

"Why in the world would you want to do that?" 

"It's fun." Calcite said, peeking from behind Amethyst. 

"Fun? Just this morning you called folding shirts - a lot of fun." 

Both Amethyst and Pearl looked up at the fusion with betrayal in their eyes. 

"But- but it was fun! I do remember having fun!" Calcite said, holding the club tighter. 

"Dude, we crashed a- uh…" Amethyst bit her lip before she finished saying, "...an abandoned shirt shop earlier. You weren't folding." 

"I did like crashing it!" Calcite once again confirmed. "And I'd do it again." 

"Yeah, dude. So, let's go do it again." 

"Hold on." Pearl stopped the two. Amethyst growled, stepping away. She walked to the counter and pointed at the sink. 

"See, we washed all the dished. We can go out now." 

Once Amethyst stepped away, Pink Calcite changed their posture next to Pearl. They stood up straight, holding their hands together. 

"I, uh… I dunno, folding does sound like more fun than crashing." Calcite tapped their pointer fingers together. 

Once again, both gems were surprised. But by the generous will of some unknown force, Amethyst got an idea of what had just occurred. 

"Hey Pi. Could you step back?"

"Why would I? I feel perfectly fine-"

"Move your butt, Pi." 

The "Pi" in question stepped away from Pink Calcite, as Amethyst stood next to them once again. 

"What'chu think now?" 

"What'chu'mWhat'chu'm thinking? I'm thinkin' I can't wait to set the dumpster on fire! We can roast the trash like marshmallows!" 

"And eat them!" Amethyst laughed, stepping back. "Okay Pie-Pie, step back on the spot."

With a tired sigh, Pearl moved closer to Pink Calcite. She raised her hand - to rub her eyes. Calcite flinched when she did that, but no one noticed.

"What'chu think now, Lil Calcy?" 

Calcite held the golf club behind their back, swinging it from side to side like a metronome. 

"I think… we could eat better things than trash. ...Or at least use salt or another garnish for them. I'd go for a mayo sandwich..." 

Pearl blinked in shock, from the sudden change. Amethyst laughed more, catching up on what was going on. 

Two of the five gems on the temple door lit up, and Garnet walked into the room. Amethyst waved her over.

"Hey, Garnish- fuck- Garnet!" Amethyst laughed more at her own little slip, "You gotta see this!" 

Garnet nodded, peeking through the futures to preview what was she going to witness. The purple Gem pushed the sweet fusion towards the loving fusion. Then she stepped back. 

"Hey, Pinkie! What'cha wanna do now?" She asked, proud of her discovery. 

Calcite looked up at Garnet. Then they turned away, covering their face to hide a soft smile. 

"Well, I… I'd like… to talk about my feelings…"

"Oh?" Garnish- fuck. Garnet! Garnet prompted them to keep talking. 

"Well, I… I love somebody…" Calcite twirled a curl around their finger, sliding one leg behind the other as they daydreamed. 

"That's wonderful. Are they a good person?" 

Calcite dreamily shook their head. 

"Oh, no. Not at all!" 

Amethyst cut to the chase, addressing Garnet as Pink Calcite drifted away in their fantasies. 

"They'll do it next to anyone!" She explained. "They're like a chameleon!" 

"What do you mean?" Asked Garnet. 

Pearl stepped forward, she was starting to catch up. 

"It seems they are… copying the traits of whoever stands closer to them." 

Garnet turned to Pink Calcite, gently tapping their shoulder to bring them back to earth. They flinched from the touch, but quickly stood tall and attentive. 

"Yes?" 

The gems exchanged looks. Then Garnet smiled at the rest, nodding. 

"This won't be a problem." She said. 

"Cool. Can we go now?" 

Impatient, Amethyst tapped her foot. The taller gems nodded, deciding to let the two kids run off and commit a felony. 

"This will be a problem." Garnet shook her head as they left. 

~ ~ ~ 

"Garnet. There's something I need to tell you." 

"Yes, Pearl?" 

"I… I did something awful."

That guilty tone grabbed Garnet's attention. She knew what kind of mistakes Pearl was capable of, and she wasn't sure if forgiveness would be forthcoming once she admitted it. 

"I did something… very unbecoming." Pearl said as she grabbed two fistfuls of her shirt and looked away. She couldn't look Garnet in the eyes as she admitted that she let her anger get the best of her. Worse, she'd taken it out on someone who's done her no harm whatsoever. 

A sudden flash of light drew her ashamed gaze to the warp pad as it unexpectedly activated. 

Another pearl walked into the room - and immediately fell before the two gems. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. She was holding tightly onto her tummy, where her gem was imprinted. So contradictory to her guts never once leading her to a good decision. 

Before the gems could react, she raised her head, struggling to rise from the floor. A look of terror and regret dominated the face of the small pink pearl. 

"I'm so sorry!" She began, rushing to get it all out as if she thought she would get shattered if she didn't explain herself right away. "I'm so sorry, I- I've made so many mistakes. I caused a lot of harm. I did a lot of things wrong. You don't have to forgive me - ever! I'm not here for that at all! I'd hate myself if I was you. And I think I will. If I… I just… p-please…"

Pink Pearl's voice broke into sobbing as she sat up and moved her clutching hand away from her gem. 

It was cracked. 

"I just don't want to shatter. Please, please… I know I don't deserve it, but… please help me! I don't want to…" 

The display of her fall was so dramatic that it kept Garnet and Pearl rooted to the spot until now. Garnet got a grip first. She crouched down next to Pink Pearl, inspecting the damage. The Gem wasn't lying – her core was covered in a spider web of deathly cracks, matching the one on her eye. 

"Calm down. It's alright. No one's going to hurt you." 

Garnet decided that calming Pink Pearl was her priority. She could feel Pearl's eyes drilling into the back of her head as she continued to comfort a damaged foe. 

"We believe you. We don't hate you. We will help you."

"You don't hate me for what I did? Or… or do you…"

"We know, we know. You tried to harm Steven."

"Is he… is he alive?"

It was at that moment that Garnet glanced back at Pearl with her own doubts. Why in the world would Pink Pearl even ask something like that?

"Of course, he is. He'll heal you. I know him. He doesn't hate you."

"That's our Steven." Pearl nodded. "Stars know, he fell in love with the last gem that tried to kill him before you."

Through her tears, Pink Pearl cackled. She covered her mouth immediately as if she feared getting punished for expressing a positive emotion. 

"We'll take you to him, and you can stay here when he's done healing you. We don't hate you, Pink Pearl. We just want to talk." 

"I… I promise I'm not here to try and hurt anyone anymore. I don't know why you would… want to talk to me… but if you…" 

Garnet stood back up, reaching an inviting hand for the pearl on the floor. 

"Why don't you just stay and see?" 

~~~

"Calcite. We need your help."

Calcite was ready to do anything that would have followed the words "we need you". They scrambled up from the bed they had been laying on next to Amethyst, meeting the newcomers with a welcoming posture.

"Okie dokie, whatever you want, I'll be super glad to help you!"

Garnet nodded, walking further the room with the two pearls following behind. Pink Pearl couldn't believe her eyes. Probably because she only had one of them. And even then, she couldn't believe her eye. Steven's gem, whole and shining, on the body of his fusion with Spinel. The fusion didn't even react negatively to her. In fact, it didn't seem like they reacted to her presence at all. 

Pink Calcite only saw a new friend approach. 

"Owo! Hewwo." 

Pink Pearl's eye twitched. But she said nothing. She wasn't in a position to say anything now. She knew it, and she accepted it. 

But that was inside her own mind. Inside Garnet's mind, everything was straightforward. Inside Pink Calcite's mind, however…

The smaller fusion tucked their hands behind their back and swayed their hips from side to side, awaiting instructions on how to be useful. 

"Calcite… I'm sorry if this is still a difficult topic for you, but Pink Pearl's gem has been badly damaged, and we need you to heal her. It should only take a moment. As soon as it's done, you can go back to… being you."

Calcite tilted their head from one angle to another, trying to understand the hidden meaning behind her words. Try as Calcite might, they couldn't get on the same page with Garnet. 

"Oh! Yuppers puppers, I would love to help heal my new friend!" They said, electing to be positive even if they didn't understand. 

"That's wonderful." Garnet put her hands together, pointing at Pink Pearl, and then nudging Pink Calcite. 

The fusion looked like a toddler lost in the mall, wondering what they did so wrong that their parents returned them for a refund. 

"Just heal her, then you can go back to… being yourself."

"I'd love to…" Pink Calcite grabbed onto one of their pigtails, running their fingers down the sweet lengths. "but I, uhm… I don't know how. Could you tell me?"

The Gems in the room starting to feel uneasy, but Garnet nodded regardless. 

"Right, he's pretending he never healed while fused before… Sorry, I mean-"

"Look," Pearl interrupted, stepping forward. Pearl might have had a rocky relationship with Pink Pearl in the past, but a Gem in need was a Gem in need. "It'll be easier for everyone if you just unfuse and do it. You can fuse once you're done. Although, you may want to allow Pink Pearl to apologise to both of you."

Calcite listened intently, nodding like a first grader on their first day of school. Then they raised their hand and asked, with a look of infantile innocence in their whole being, 

"What's 'unfuse'?"

Silence fell. 

"This isn't funny," Pearl snapped.

Calcite blinked at her. "Wh-What?"

Garnet put herself between the two of them as if she was warding off a fight that was one step away from happening. 

"Calcite, we support you. We do. But there comes a time when even the tightest of Fusions needs to put themselves aside for the greater good."

"I'm sorry??" 

"Steven…" Worry was starting to leak into Garnet's tone now. When her stoicism began to break down, it was a sure sign that things were dire. "This is extremely important. A gem's life is on the line. We're not mad. We're just asking for you to unfuse and reassure us that you'll be around if we really need you."

"I'm sorry?!" Calcite let go of their pigtail, now flailing their hands about, "I'm sorry! I'm not trying to joke! Please tell me how to 'unfuse' - I'll do that! I don't wanna upset you or do anything wrong again!"

Garnet bit her lip at them. 

"Steven, Spinel. I need you both to act your age. This isn't the time-"

"I'm sorry!!" 

Pink Calcite stepped back, sinking down to the floor while holding the sides of their head. They looped their rapidly extending arms around their head, covering it completely. They spoke through hiccups and broken sobbing. 

"I'm sorry!! Please don't hurt me again, I won't do it again! I'll do whatever you want, please don't beat me up again! I'll be better, I promise, I promise!" 

It was Pearl's turn to cringe at the consequences of her actions. She inhaled deeply, muttering something about how sorry she felt. 

But her regret did not have the power to instantly erase the damage she had caused. 

Who would have thought! 

"No one here is going to beat you up." Garnet tried to be reassuring but was coming up short. She felt as if she was dealing with a whole different person from a whole different life, not Steven or Spinel. Not even their fusion. 

Pink Pearl looked down at the small crying mess that the diamond/spinel fusion had become. Then she gazed down at her navel gem. 

"I'm fucked." She thoughtfully concluded the summary of her whole life. 

Pink Calcite's breathing turned ragged. It seemed like "prone to hyperventilating" was their diagnosis at times like this. Garnet's attempts to comfort them shifted rapidly from helping to driving Calcite further down the road to panic. 

"Steven, I'm starting to worry that you're going to lose yourself playing pretend." Garnet said.

"Pr-pretending?" Pink Calcite stammered "I-I'm playing pretend?"

Garnet sat down beside Pink Calcite. 

"We know that you can only be either Steven or Spinel. I understand why you'd want to pretend to be Pink Calcite for a while, but we need some reassurance that you're still the people we know and love. Once we have that, then we'll let you be Pink Calcite again."

"I'm sorry… What's a Sven? What's a Spindle? I want to help you, you're…" Calcite sat up straight, kneeling on the floor as they stared intently at Garnet. "You're scared. Worried. Anxious. I want to help." Calcite explained. "I just don't know how…"

From her forgotten spot, Amethyst grabbed two photos from the bed stand and showed them to Pink Calcite. The fusion stared at the pictures like a goat stared at a new gatepost. The tension in the room rose another several notches. 

"This is Steven, and that's Spinel. You're made of them, you know that, right?" Amethyst asked. 

"Made of them?" Calcite looked closer at the pictures. 

"Yeah. They fused together, and you're the result." 

"I'm… them?"

"Yeah. Both of them."

After another glance at the photos, Calcite took the pictures from Amethyst and folded them in two. 

"Nope. No, no no no… no. I'm… not a Steven or a Spinal… I'm me! I'm Pink Calcite!" 

"Man, you're really lost, huh…" Amethyst made a sudden move with her hand towards Calcite's gems. "Then how do you explain having their- oof!" 

Amethyst hit the other side of the room and imprinted into the wall, trying to cough up some words without any breath to move them along. Garnet leapt up to help her, but Amethyst helped herself first, blabbering something about the kick worthy of an Olympic football player that she had taken in the gut. 

"Oh, please." Pearl rolled her eyes, waving at the deceptive softness of Pink Calcite. "They couldn't have kicked you that hard with those… toe beans?"

Amethyst finally inhaled the air that Calcite had knocked out of her lungs when they sent her into a touchdown. 

"That's their hooves, you bitch."

Calcite took a step back from the scene around them, and it was then that everyone noted - their steps rattled with the distinct clop of hooves, or perhaps, half coconuts.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, I…" 

Without another word, Calcite darted towards the sliding door - out into the open, up the stairs, into the glass dome, onto the warp pad, and away. 

Again. 

"Fuck." Garnet deadpanned, allowing herself the curse in the absence of her baby. "I-I can't find anything in any future that explains why Calcite is acting like a stranger to us."

"Maybe they are a stranger." Pink Pearl coughed. 

"No, Steven and Spinel can't fuse properly. We know that for certain. They look like Pink Calcite, but it's always either Steven or Spinel."

"Perhaps…" the little Pink Pearl clutched her sides. "Perhaps the unconditional circumstances of their last fusion brought about unlikely changes."

Amethyst shot a glare of 'Please put this phrase in real English' at Pink Pearl. 

"They didn't fuse normally, I think, if they fused when I assume they did."

"And when was that? We haven't seen the two for a month." Garnet asked

The Gem with a cracked gem gulped.

"Can you tell us?" Garnet pressed.

Pink Pearl's eye shut as she bared her teeth, an overwhelming sense of regret running through her. 

"Steven had his gem shattered…"

"He had his gem what now?!"

~~~

A sharp whistle pierced the air as they finished reading the last paragraph. 

"Damn Pinkie. Couldn't think of doing anything more creative than running away? This must be the ninth time you, or part of you, has tried that. Still, it’s not like I can judge a one trick pony, Puhuhu."

The fusion chuckled to themselves. Not seeming to mind the fact the one they were talking to wasn’t there. They would come, just give it a little more time.

"You can run all you want, but I know what you'll end up crawling back to in the end... Who, you’ll crawl to. You know it as well as I do. You can feel it, wherever you are…" 

The fusion wearing a magenta jacket crossed the backyard, mindlessly trampling through a nicely planted bed of violets and leaving the lavender petals ground into the dirt.

"I'm waiting, Pink Calcite…." Red purred, smiling wide to reveal two rows of razor-sharp teeth that split their split coloured face. “But until then, run. Run as if there’s somewhere where you can find hope, because that, that is your despair."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you notice any new words in the vocabulary of this fanfic - this is because Tangerine_Catnip kindly held a knife to my chin until I let her beta read my chapter. 
> 
> If you'd like to see the visual of Pink or Red Calcite - visit me over at monsterritory on tumblr dot com. Also it was my birthday on 1st of March.


	32. The Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calcite walked through the backyard, visited the house, and has now set on road to self discovery.  
They continue to be a little bundle of mystery to everyone around them, but some Gems are more impatient than others to find out their secrets.

With a loud thud Calcite landed on the first warp pad of their journey. The photos fell right besides them. The fusion picked them up - it was a collage of four photobooth photos of Spinel and Steven, making silly faces at each other. 

As far as Calcite could tell they both had genuine smiles on their faces. They were truly happy together. Somehow whenever Pink Calcite focused - they could tell what part of what they were feeling came from which half, and the warm desire to be whatever would have made the other person happy. Now their senses were tingling about two faces staring at them from the cold photo.

But right now they were alone. There was no one around them. Just Pink Calcite, the photos of their makers, and a dark dark forest around the warp pad they were on. 

It felt weird to be on their own. There was no one to who’s identity they could adapted to. 

Calcite had to build their own personality now. Something that they’ed lacked for the duration of a life where they had always been what someone else wanted them to be. 

Calcite held up the pictures, staring into the eyes of the two people they didn’t know. 

“Steven. Spinel.” 

Calcite stood up, dusting off. 

“Hello.” 

They stepped off the platform, heading into the woods. 

“I wonder. Who were you two?” 

Calcite made sure to look where they were going, but kept most of their attention on the photographs. Having four eyes, they managed to do those two tasks simultaneously rather successfully. 

“They told me that you two made me. And I was made of you. But… I don’t even know you. Who were you? Am I… an extension of you? Why did you make me? Shouldn’t I know?” 

Calcite skipped over a rock in their path, trotting forward peacefully. The sound of their hooves clacking the ground was the only sound in the dark forest. 

“So am I made of you? Or was I made by you? Is there a difference… Ah! So many questions! I feel so… stupid now. I feel like I should have known about this, but I don’t. I had no idea I came from someone. I thought I was just… here. And that was it. But knowing that someone made me… sigh, gives me nothing.” 

Calcite looked around, feeling like they’ve seen the trees that surrounded them already. It seemed were walking in circles. They stopped and held the photos. 

Steven (if that was Steven) had curly hair all around his head. Calcite touched their curls - they seemed to have a similar placement. They looked at Spinel next, with her pigtails. Calcite ran a hand down their own pigtail - alike again. 

Looking up, the fusion continued trotting. 

“It gives me nothing. Because I never met you. I didn’t even know you. I heard some things about you from the gems. But I didn’t know you. I wish I did… I want to know the real you. Not the you that everyone knew. What if you always wore a mask too?” 

Calcite was staring at the shy moments when the dark leaves would have an opening to see the equally dark sky of this planet shine with its starts above. They walked into a spiderweb while they were at it. Calcite shook it off, looking down at the photos again. 

“So then… what am I supposed to do knowing that I was made by you? Am I… supposed to act like you? Am I supposed to make sure you’re proud of me?” 

Some other memories of their recent encounter swam up in Calcite’s memory. 

“Or… am I supposed to be… you?” 

~ ~ ~ 

“What the fuck kinda nonsense is that?” Amethyst shouted at Pink Pearl. 

“Amethyst. Language.” Calmly corrected Garnet. 

“ _ Whomst _ the fuck kinda nonsense-” 

"That's not what I meant."

"Who cares  _ how _ we talk about it!" Pearl interrupted the two, approaching Pink Pearl. "Tell us again. Calmly and in as much details as you can recall. What happened that day?"

Pink Pearl looked down like a guilty child. But her look resembled a sad child soldier more. A regretful adorable little child soldier who threw a grenade at the enemy base and was now crying because someone tore the paw of their teddy bear. 

"I tried to set Steven against Spinel. It failed and they talked it out. So I tried- I mean- I… shattered… Steven's gem." Pink Pearl clenched her little fists, inhaling sharply with a sob. "I'm sorry. I was really blinded by my rage and I thought revenge would set me free from the pain I was feeling…" 

"What happened after this?" Pearl blandly asked. She hated to admit that she was trusting in Pink Pearl's words of regret. She too, not too long ago, had done an awful thing out of her rage, and had grown regretful of it since. Perhaps she felt like she understood what Pink Pearl felt now. 

"After that… I realized that hurting Steven won't bring Pink back… but… before I could do anything else - Spinel pushed me off the bridge we were all on. I fell down to the very abyss of Homeworld. I damaged my gem during the fall. My form poofed and I wasn't sure how long has passed until I forced my way out again. I still feel… unstable. I couldn't use my powers with my gem like this. I know I've done a lot of things wrong, but I really don't want to be shattered..."

Pearl continued to avoid talking about Pink Pearl's guilt. 

"Is there anything else you can tell us about Steven and Spinel?"

"I don't know. I think they fused when his gem was shattered, and that doing so had somehow fixed it back together." 

"But in the process it reset Pink Calcite's memories." Garnet voiced her theory, "I can't imagine a shattered gem fusing. But perhaps a Diamond could? Hmpf. Perhaps Pink Calcite really was neither Steven or Spinel."

"Well that still makes them not quite their fusion." Amethyst sighed in reply to that, "...What do we do now?" 

"Now we go look for them." Garnet stood tall and confident, "And fix all of this."

Before she could begin to explain how in a world could they have fixed this mess, the warp pad in the room above activated. 

~ ~ ~ 

Calcite walked towards the next warp pad they found, getting on it as they were deep in their thought. Powered by their subconscious, it activated - taking them to the next part of their adventure. 

"I guess… Everyone seems to like Steven. So, I should be just like Steven. I should be a Steven. Only... What exactly is a Steven?" 

Calcite landed on a new warp pad in the middle of a field. It was a wide open field in the middle of a valley. Somehow it gave Calcite deja vu of a place they have never been to. 

The valley was filled with flowers ranging in colours from bright fuchsia pink to soft pastel violet. The fusion walked by the flowers, blending in with their own colour scheme. Their tail swished from side to side, brushing against the flowers with the weight of a feather. 

“Maybe a Steven is softness… gentleness… nobleness of heart.” 

The candy fusion skipped through the wide field. 

“Maybe a Steven is a childish innocence. A pure voice that sings songs to cheer their friends up? Maybe Steven is the one who wants everyone happy.” 

Calcite stopped. 

“..Then who makes Steven happy? Is Steven just a service dog for everyone? The one who wants to be used because that’s the last thing to fuel their self worth?”

The fusion flopped down on the flowers, staring up at the twilight coloured sky of this foreign planet. 

“...I don’t want to exist to be of service to others. I… I don’t think Steven would have wanted me to exist just to be used. So then… I’m not supposed to be Steven.” 

A cloud in a shape of a heart passed by above them. 

“So then maybe I’m a Spinel?” 

~ ~ ~ 

“How long did you think we would allow this to continue?” 

The gems in the room stepped back, making way for White Diamond, who had kindly shapeshifted herself down to the size of an opal for the occasion. All but Pearl. No, not that Pearl. The other Pearl. Yes, that Pearl. 

“Did you honestly think we would let it slide?” White Diamond spoke on, placing a hand against her head and painting a pained expression of exhaustion on her bright face. “Steven has grown very dear to us Diamonds. And we have barely seen him for what feels like an eternity!” 

Pearl coughed, “Actually it’s been more like five months and twenty four days since-” 

“As I was saying,” White Diamond ignored Pearl, “Blue and Yellow may have gotten themselves occupied. But I came here to see Steven. And I will not leave until I do.” 

Garnet listened to her patiently. Then she stepped forward, addressing the Gem who stood above them all like she was merely a friend in an argument. 

“You have been wanting to fix the mistakes you made raising Pink with Steven. But do you really think forcing your company on the boy is what you should do?”

“Well, how am I supposed to become f… fuh… fuh-riends with him - if I do not interest him?” 

The Gems around White Diamond hummed in doubt. 

“What… is that supposed to mean?”

“It means we’re not sure that you can become a friend to Steven.” Explained Garnet. 

White Diamond puffed her cheeks, and crossed her hands over her chest. 

“Watch me.” 

“I’d love to. But before you can attempt to be friends with Steven we’re gonna need to save his life.”

“What?!” White’s voice echoed off the walls, almost cracking the windows in the room. “What happened to him? How in a world have you let my baby get in life threatening danger?” 

Somewhere in the back of the room, Pink Pearl gulped down. To say she was in fear would have been to call a Pebble small compared to White Diamond.

~ ~ ~ 

Pink Calcite landed on a colonized planet next, and immediately had to duck down from an incoming giant boulder. 

They hid behind a piece of a wall next to the warp padm using it like a shield. 

"Dude, you gotta keep your head down!" Another Gem screamed across the battlefield. 

"What?!" Calcite asked, because the information perceived vocally is usually the slowest one to be processed. So a second later, as the meaning of the words caught up to them, Pink Calcite continued to ask baby questions, "What battlefield?! Is there a war still happening here?" 

The Gem that warned them rolled his eyes. He jumped out of his hiding spot and made it over their distance in one stretchy step, now sitting down next to Pink Calcite. 

"You gotta keep your curly head down out there! There's no war, it's just our everyday event." 

"Event…?"

"Event of survival." 

The small pastel purple Gem got on his tippy toes and looked out from the corner of the wall the two Gems hid behind. And as he did that, Calcite got so fixated on the funky looking outfit he had - they barely registered grabbing the lilac jester hat off the Gem's head. 

"Are those bells on the ends here? Do they jingle?" 

The lilac Gem realized the loss fast, and quickly grabbed the hat back, fixing it in place on his head. 

"Hey, that's the best helmet I got out here! I only have one head and I want to keep it safe until I'm older."

A loud thud went off in the distance. 

"What's going on?" Asked Pink Calcite, "What kinda experience is this?" 

"This? Oh, it's an experience of… a battle." 

"A battle?"

"Yeah. This colony exists for the Gems who want to experience something new every day. Like the war, the corrupted Gem hunts, or the thing that originated on Earth, called “baby sitting”. Spoiler alert, it’s not actually about sitting on babies. But it’s still fun to do! Me and the other spinels-"

"Are you all spinels here?"

"No. Not really. Surprisingly a lot of us are…" the clever little spinel mused, "But that's not why we're all here. We're here to experience adventures and fights!" 

Something flew through the sky and landed right next to the two Gems with a loud and filthy explosion. 

It was a mysterious, probably magical device commonly known as a "balloon filled with shaving cream" on Earth. 

But not here. Here it was known as an advanced ancient witchcraft, used for the purpose of territory marking and victory claiming. 

“Incoming!” The lilac spinel screamed, hiding behind Pink Calcite. The balloon exploded, coating them from hoof to pigtail and making them serve as a handy dandy shield for the smaller spinel. 

“Oh golly!” He said, looking at the fusion dripping with cream. “Gone at such a young age… Have no fear! I will avenge you! They may be stronger and have more advanced technologies, and outnumber me…”

The lilac spinel summoned a pie out of nowhere. 

“But I’m Clever!” 

Bouncing off Pink Calcite’s head, the Clever spinel jumped high in the sky, making it rain pie on the enemy. 

“I guess that’s what a Spinel is.” Calcite mused, watching the other Gem’s spectacular strategy play out. “Is that what I want? I think it’s really cool. But… is that really what I want to be doing?”

  
  


~ ~ ~ 

Pearl offered a cup of freshly made coffee to White Diamond. 

"You'll be surprised how often his life is threatened." 

"That does not excuse it." White examined the cup in her hands thoroughly. "Pink’s… Diamond bearer has suffered enough."

"You think we don't know that?" Pearl stood her ground against White Diamond. Something she never thought she would be doing. "We've been looking into signing him up for therapy, he just kept running away. What were we supposed to do, lock him up?" 

"Maybe that would have worked. That's what we used to do when Pink-" White bit her lip, "...Perhaps it really is morally questionable.”

“I see that you are trying but you are still halfway there to understanding what is right psychologically and what is right for a human.” Garnet reassured White. 

As she was saying “halfway there” Amethyst muttered “Squidward on a chair.” 

White Diamond crossed her hands over her chest. This whole “Be less ruthlessly evil” thing bit her in her fabulous shining ass sometimes. How dare this cross fusion thing tell her that she wasn’t good at something? Has this “Garnet” even seen herself? 

White would have argued. But she thought of Pink. And she thought of Steven. And she thought of everything that happened, and everything that he had taught her, along with other Diamonds. 

“...Alright.” She growled. “Do you host classes for... ‘caring’?”

Garnet summoned up a board with papers clipped to it and a pencil. 

“Am classes or pm classes?” 

“Are there selfcare classes too?” Pink Calcite asked her, walking into the room with their hands hidden behind their back. 

Garnet looked through her board once again. 

“There are but it’s a therapy, it might not work to join in the middle of-” Garnet froze, blinked twice, then looked up at Pink Calcite. So did everyone else in the room. 

“Hewwo.” Calcite waved their hand shyly, “I’m sowwy I wan away… But good news is I’m here and I figured some stuff out!” Calcite posed with their hands thrown up and to the sides, smiling wide. 

“Steven?” White whispered with concern, making everyone in the room cringe for a second. 

Everyone but Calcite, they just laughed silently. 

“No, silly willy! I’m Pwink Calcite.” The fusion walked past the Gems in the room, addressing everyone and no one in particular. “I’m sorry I ran away. I got confused with the ‘you’re steven, you’re spinel’ stuff. But I figured it out!” They hopped on to the table. “I’m neither! I’m not Spinel, and I am not a Steven either!” 

Garnet took her visor off, looking at them. 

“That’s wonderful. We’re sorry we confused you. But now that you’re back-”

“Lemme finish talking.” Calcite turned around on their heel. 

Then they turned again. And again. They spun around because they noticed their own tail twirling after them, so they momentarily stimmed by doing it again a few times. 

In their defense they had an attention spawn of 10 seconds. 

“...Right. I figured that I’m neither of the people who made me. They may have made me, but that never signed me to be like either of them or to like anything that they liked. Steven had his life and his trauma, and so did Spinel, but I don’t have to be forced to live through either of that. I may not know why they made me and if they had anything in mind for me - but I’m here!” 

Calcite jumped down from the table, giving everyone one more fabulous twirl around. 

“I’m me. I am my own experience. I decide what I want to do and what I love and what do I dislike. I can respect them… though I’ve never even met them. But I’m not gonna let them define my life or my identity.” 

Pink Calcite placed their hands over their gems. One over the spinel, one over the pink diamond. 

“I’m me. I’ve always been me.” 

Once they were done talking, everyone stayed quiet for some times, letting all that Calcite just sang about sink in. It was clear to everyone that Calcite went through a lot of thinking before they came to all those conclusions. 

And the Gems were ready to support them about all of this. 

If only it wasn’t for… 

“I don’t get it.” White Diamond said, standing up to look down at Pink Calcite. “What about Steven and Spinel then? Can I see them?”

Pink Calcite sincerely shrugged. 

“I dunno. Ask them, wherever they are. I’d sure love to meet them. Though you should know that I wouldn’t let them affect me.” 

“but you are them!” White raised her voice. 

Calcite immediately jolted away a meter from her. Innocent smile got replaced with a look of fear in their four eyes. 

_ Is that because of me? _ Thought Pearl, as she tried to step closer to Pink Calcite. She raised her hand up, reaching it for the fusion. Once they saw her hand approach - Calcited darted back even further, now hiding behind Garnet. They held onto her like she was a wall to hind behind that would protect them. 

“Please no!” Calcite screamed, with panic now visible in their voice, “Please don’t hurt me anymore! I don’t want to be hurting you, I don’t know how to fix this! Please please don’t beat me up anymore, I don’t wanna be hurt anymore! I’m sorry!” 

Having gotten that out, Calcite ran their hands around Garnet’s waist, hiding their face at her side. Their sped up breathing being the only thing audible in the room. 

Everyone looked at Pearl.

While she looked mortified, Pearl had nothing to say. 

Somewhere from above, on the staircase, Pink Pearl watched the scene unfold with equally silent fascination. 

The Gems could hear a fly tap against the window, that’s how quiet it got all of a sudden. 

White Diamond broke the silence first. 

“...That’s a crate to unpack some other day.” She turned at Pink Calcite and Garnet. “The most important problem we are facing now is that we are not facing Steven. ...And Spinel too, I suppose.” 

“Can’t you all see they don’t want to unfuse?” Garnet put her hand over Pink Calcite’s head very slowly, like a mother hen covering her baby with her wing. She saw that they still flinched away from her touch at first. Whatever damage Pearl must have done - was probably deeper than the Gems estimated.

“That’s the problem. They don’t actually know if they don’t want to unfuse.” White argued, “ _ Garnet… _ I put no doubts in your experience with…  _ fusions. _ But Pink Calcite is not a normal fusion case.”

“No fusion is.” Garnet indeed had an experience, and right now she was doing what she deemed right - standing up for another permafusion. “No fusion is normal. They’re all unique experiences, beautiful in their own way.” 

White nodded her head, unamused. 

“Yes, yes, they sure are. And you are a certified fusionist. But that’s not the matter at hand right now. Pink Calcite has said they don’t recall being either of their components. Therefore, for all we know…” 

“...They could be holding Steven hostage.” Amethyst finished the guess that was hanging in the air. 

Pink Calcite perked their head up. They had tears streaming down their face. Black goo tears. 

“...W-what?” 

“That’s not true!” Garnet had no idea if it was true, but right now a strange instinct to protect the small and weak thing clinging to her took over reasoning for a second. It was more likely wrong than right that Calcite was a prison of a fusion. They looked nothing like Malachite. If their core emotions were any sort of hatred or obsession - they probably wouldn’t look so adorable. 

“Calcite isn’t a fusion of hatred. They’re…” Garnet took another glance at them, “They’re a fusion of Steven and Spinel’s bond. They’re a fusion of their love!” 

“Garnet. I’m sorry.” Pearl semi-whispered, she didn’t know if she had a right to speak up yet. “But even if they are… Steven and Spinel’s love wasn’t the healthiest thing…” 

Garnet glared at Pearl. Pearl covered her mouth, saying no more. 

“By the looks of it,” Pink Pearl called from the staircase, “ _ You _ weren’t the healthiest thing for them!” 

Pearl raised her shoulders up as she covered her mouth, looking down like a child who’s stash of broken expensive things was just discovered by the strict parents. 

White Diamond took a step towards the two fusions. 

“Even if Spinel and Steven’s bond is pure - the fusion still has no memory of them. They could be  _ unknowingly  _ holding Steven hostage.”

To that, Garnet had no argument back. 

“Then we just need one word from him that this… is anywhere near what he wants. We just need to make sure that he isn’t trapped inside.” White Diamond raised her hand up. 

Garnet looked into the future. Then her whole form shook as she saw something she never should have seen.

“ ** _No!_ ** ”

But White Diamond already acted on her own plan. She shot a light beam that curved around Garnet and hit Pink Calcite on the spot. 

A blinding White flash knocked garnet back. 

When the dust settled, Pink Calcite was standing up tall in the middle of the room, holding their hands up and smiling. Smiling with a cold, empty stare. 

Their colour scheme was bleached white. 

Garnet growled, looking back at White. 

“Let them go!” 

“I’m not holding them!” White moved her hand, showing that Pink Calcite didn’t repeat her movements. “This is merely a power I once used for… interrogation.” 

“What?!” 

“Calm down, it’s completely harmless. It merely strips them of any filter they may have. Now we can get all the answers we need, and when we’re done I’ll let them go as gently as I’m holding them now. 

Garnet didn’t like that plan at all. 

“You need to let them go  _ now. _ ” 

“Alright, alright.” White rolled her eyes and stepped closer to Pink Calcite, acting as if she just got tasked with an ordinary tedious chore. “Darling? Tell us, are you quite alright in there?” 

Pink Calcite didn’t even blink. They slowly turned their head up towards White Diamond. Their neck looked broken, as they had to look up rather high to see eye to eye with her. They still had some tears on their cheeks. 

And then Pink Calcite spoke, whispering so quietly, it was hard to hear a thing. But White Diamond heard them rather well. 

“You’re not perfect.” 

White’s eyes darted around in confusion. 

“...Pink Calcite? Spinel? Steven?” 

“You surround yourself with inferior beings. No matter how much you pretend to put yourself on the same line as them - we’re all still  _ ‘them’ _ for you. It feels good, doesn’t it? Secretly knowing that you’re better than everyone else? You just have to play at trying to change because you realize otherwise… you’ll be left behind. Because no one agrees with you. No one looks up to you.” 

White Diamond covered her ears. 

“Stop it!” 

“You are nothing. No one. You are no authority. You have no one when you don’t scare people into submission.” 

White Diamond stepped back, holding her ears and eyes closed tight, as she shook her head rapidly. Trying to shake off what Pink Calcite was saying. 

Amethyst stepped next to Pink Calcite next. 

“Dude, what are you doing?” 

“You’re pathetic.” 

“ _ Dude-” _

“It’s so pathetic to hate yourself because you didn’t do anything, when you could do nothing. You have to tell yourself that it’s okay to love yourself every single day. But deep inside you still hate yourself.” 

Amethyst stepped back away, she held her hands over her mouth. 

“Why.” She whispered to other Gems in the room, “Why are they saying all of this? This shit hurts, man.” 

“Remember?” Garnet addressed Amethyst. “You were the one to discover that Calcite mirrors the Gems they deem closest. If their filter is off now… of course.” 

Garnet made a mistake moving in front of Pink Calcite as she spoke. 

“Spinel was made to sense sadness and ‘fix’ it with happiness. Steven has always been very sympathetic. Together, they made a fusion that senses other people’s mentality. And all this time… they’ve been making a choice to adapt to whatever would have made us all… happier.” 

Pink Calcite slowly turned their drifting gaze towards the Gem who seemed to addressed them now. 

“You’re obsessed. Both of you. Ruby is afraid she isn’t worth Sapphire every single day. Sapphire is afraid she isn’t as good as Ruby is every single moment. And everytime you unfuse you fear you’ll never be yourself again, because they’ll separate and never go back together.” 

Garnet stepped back from Pink Calcite, now realizing her mistake. 

Pearl looked up at White Diamond, the only Gem in the room she hadn’t outdone in damage to Steven. 

“This isn’t working. Stop holding them. Steven isn’t replying and this isn’t helping anyone. This is hurting everyone!”

“ _ Hurting? _ ” Calcite called out, focusing all four teary eyes on Pearl. “You think you’re the center of the universe. Everything revolves around how  _ you _ feel and how you’ve felt. You excuse yourself in any way you can. Pink hurt you. Why not use it to give yourself an excuse to hurt her son? The fusion of her son?” 

Pearl grabbed onto her elbows. 

“I’m sorry!” She creamed, “I didn’t mean to! I didn’t want to! I just-”

“Carelessly allowed the anger to take the best of you?” Calcite finished for her. “Now  _ we-h _ think we’re the cause of every single little thing that is wrong in the world. And that we will be punished for it.” 

“I didn’t think it would hurt you so deeply.”

“You didn’t think.” Calcite confirmed the true part of Pearl’s sentence. “You just wanted  _ her _ to pay.” 

“That’s enough.” Garnet, who managed to collect herself back together meanwhile, stepped in front of Pink Calcite yet again. “Steven? Spinel? Why doesn’t your fusion remember you?” 

Calcite gave her a soundless chuckle, “Still clinging to the hope that they’re in here somewhere. Can’t imagine you’d take losing a single person in your life.” 

“Why are you blocked from their memories? Do you know it all, you just don’t want to tell? Did Steven and Spinel lock you out of it? Is this just the way you fused?” 

“You don’t know what you’ll do if you can never see Steven and Spinel again. Probably drown in the deep dark depths of hopelessness. All that will be left for you without them is...” 

Without hearing their last word, Garnet stepped back from the fusion. 

“This isn’t working.” She confirmed.

Pink Pearl, who sat silently on the staircase through the whole scene, now stood up and slowly made her way down. 

“Pearl.” She addressed. 

“Huh?” 

Pink Pearl stood in front of Pink Calcite. 

“Pearl. If…  _ when  _ I poof - bubble my gem.” 

“What?! What are you talking about!” 

Pink Pearl turned only her head back to look at Pearl. Her working eye gazing deep inside Pearl’s soul. 

“Promise that you’ll bubble me.” 

“Wh-why? Until we can fix you?” 

“Just. Promise.”

After a second of consideration, Pearl nodded at Pink Pearl. 

Having that promise, Pink Pearl shined her cracked gem up and summoned a hologram. 

It was a replica of Pink Calcite. She positioned it right in front of them. She was clearly in a lot of pain as she pushed her limits, but Pink Pearl knew she had to do it. 

She made her hologram speak. 

“I am Pink Calcite.” Pink Pearl mouthed for her puppet. 

“I am.” Repeated the true Pink Calicte. 

“I am a mental mirror.” 

“I am. I can see right through people. And I can see how to give them what they want.” 

“Because that’s the last thing I have to do.” Continued the puppeteer, “It makes me feel worthy. It makes me feel like I have…”

“A purpose.”

“Because if I didn’t have a purpose…”

“I wouldn’t have anything to exist for.” 

“Because I…” 

“Do not love myself.” Calcite’s tears started to stream down their face again. “I don’t k-know why was I made. I’m just here. And everything that I know how to do is wrong. And every step that I take only makes it worse. There is nothing in me that truly matters, and kindness is the last thing I can give to people. So that they don’t…” 

“So that they don’t…?” 

“So that they… don’t…” Despite being bleached, Pink Calcite suddenly bend over, gripping into their gems as if they were in a great pain all of a sudden. The white colours slowly faded, making Calcite colourful again. But not for long. “Don’t… leave… hurt…” 

Poof!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I'm sorry I didn't update in a long time, I've been going through some stuff and trying to focus on selfcaring.  
I assure you I have plans for this story and will not abandon it.  
Clever the Lilac Spinel belongs to Lilaclever on tumblr.   
Stay safe everyone.


	33. The Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink Calcite is lost. But then they are found.  
And then some laws of life are broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is recommended that you have read Despair by Tangerine_Catnip to understand a lot of references that will be made here.  
Tangerine_Catnip helped write this chapter. More about this after the chapter.

Was this wooden ceiling always so high? Spinel could have sworn it was shorter before, she felt like it should have been closer by, even though she was laying on her back next to… 

"Steven?!" Spinel asked, jumping up from the floor. 

Steven rubbed his face, squinting at her with a distinct "Five more minutes mom" look. He was laying down next to her, slowly coming to his senses. 

And then his memories kicked in. 

Steven sat up, holding onto his tummy. He raised his shirt up, inspecting his gem. It was whole. Steven looked up at Spinel with a wide smile 

"It worked." He laughed, "It's whole! You saved my life, Spinel."

Spinel giggled, covering her face with her hair. 

"Aww jeez, that makes two of us…" 

Someone coughed in the room. Steven and Spinel looked back at the crowd around them, offendedly remembering that they weren't alone in the world. 

Garnet broke the awkward silence first. 

"Steven? Spinel? Do you remember…?" 

"Remember what?" Steven got up, scratching the back of his head. 

"Do you know how long it's been since you two fused?"

The lovebirds exchanged surprised looks. 

"...We fused?" Spinel pondered. 

Steven squinted, mentally sorting through his recent memories. Then he stepped back, walking over to the calendar on the wall. 

"...A month." Steven gasped, stepping back to Spinel in shock. "It's been a month. We've… fused! We were fused for a month!"

"We fused?!" Spinel looked just as surprised as Steven. 

While the two were trying to let it sink in, the Gems around them ran out of patience. Garnet, Amethyst, and White Diamond rushed in to hug Steven. 

Pearl stayed behind, looking at the cracked gem in her hands. One cracked little pink pearl. As she promised, Pearl bubbled her and put her away for the time being. She was the last one to step closer to Steven and reach her hand for him. 

Steven felt a weird urge to flinch away from her hand, but having never been hurt by Pearl, he hugged her back just like he did with everyone else. 

Spinel stepped back, letting everyone have their turn at hugging the boy. Such was her life it seems, always outshined by the love everyone had for her boyfriend. 

Garnet, who had finished hugging Steven, now stepped back from him and walked towards Spinel. 

"It's good to have you back." She said, reaching an invite for a hug to Spinel. 

She would not let the same mistake happen twice. 

Over his shoulder, Steven saw that Spinel finally received a welcoming as warm as he was always getting. Even though it was only from Garnet for now, he deemed that it was a good start. 

"Has it really been a month since… since we left?" 

"Yes!" Pearl spoke. "We were so worried for you! We found out what happened from Pink Pearl, and then we found your fusion, and…"

"Wait, wait, hold on, hold the horses." Steven waved his hands fast, noticing Spinel approach him again. "Are you saying that… me and Spinel fused?" 

"Yeah dude!" Amethyst stepped in, "You were Pink Calcite, but for real this time. They had no idea who you were though."

"Amethyst." Garnet gently reminded her to use the right form in the sentence. 

Amethyst rolled her eyes, throwing her hands up, " _ Who'm's't've  _ you were! Or whatever. They just had no idea where they came from! Or who you were. Or who they were. Or who you were before you were them, but not who they were before… ugh, fuck."

Steven and Spinel looked at each other. Then they both cringed and slowly covered their mouths. 

"I'm sorry." The two said simultaneously. 

An awkward pause formed, during which Spinel and Steven both attempted to start explaining things to each other, each time awkwardly interrupting each other and switching to saying "No, you go first." 

Finally, Steven convinced Spinel to speak her side of it first. 

"I'm sorry." Spinel said, holding onto her elbows to give herself a comfort hug. "While we were fusing, I was… wishing that I could go away, and just… fall asleep and be with you in my dreams." She shivered, becoming more anxious, "I'm sorry! It's my fault, I wished that our fusion would just be mine and your happiness." 

"No, no, Spinel no! It's my fault! I wished that our fusion would have a life that would have nothing to do with our… with  _ my  _ problems! I wished that they'd never have to face any of the stress that was  _ killing _ me!" 

Garnet rubbed her chin. 

"You both felt very strongly that you wanted to escape your problems… of course." She sighed. "They were this way because it was what both of you wanted them to be in the moment. Steven, I'm so sorry that we couldn't be there for you. But we want to help you grow past this now." 

"I know." Steven raised his second hand to cover his mouth with it as well, "I shouldn't have run… I… I…" 

Steven started to cry. 

Spinel was the first one to come and hug him, whispering that it wasn't his fault. 

"No, no you don't get what I did!" Steven stepped back from Spinel. It wasn't clear whether he was sobbing it laughing as he spoke, "I wished that Calcite would never have to deal with anything that I had! And I was ready to give up my own life to give our fusion a better one… Spinel! Spinel, I literally did the same thing my mom had done to me!" 

The fly from the previous chapter has tapped against the window again, once again finding herself to be the loudest character in the room. At this point I might give her her own mental issue to be going through. Maybe an existential crisis. 

Every Gem waited for Steven to come to his own conclusion, so that they could support his point of view properly. 

Steven continued to sob and wipe his tears off as they kept coming, with Spinel being the only Gem who held him while he cried. 

And then Steven laughed. It started as a spineless chuckle and soon grew into a stressed little laughter. The sound of a mentality shattering. 

"I'm a hereditary asshole!" Steven cried out, "I walked exactly into her footsteps… I'm a fraud! A huge jerk! And I dragged you into this with me, Spinel."

"Eh." Spinel shrugged it off, "We're in this boat together. I did the same thing as much as you did it." 

"But you didn't inherit being an asshole from her!" Steven reasoned with a sniff, looking rather unsure in his own words. 

"Debatable." Spinel whispered, then addressed Steven loud enough for him to hear. "Honey bee, I don't blame you. We all make mistakes. Do you… did you learn anything new from it?" 

Steven thought about it. Then he nodded quietly. 

"I guess… I understand why she did it now." He sighed slowly, "And knowing exactly what she felt… well, I feel like an arse. … But I also feel better. Does that make sense?"

"Does it have to?" Garnet asked back. 

"...I feel better." Steven concluded. "I feel better." 

He looked up at the Gems in the room. 

"I'm so sorry I made you all worry about us. Spinel, I'm so sorry to you too. But, now that I'm looking at all of this in this way… I want to do what Pink didn't do. I want to face my problems and I want to fix my mistakes, and I want to reach out for help, and… Spinel? What are you doing?" 

Spinel looked surprised when Steven addressed her. She stepped back, still holding his hand. It took her a minute to realize what was it that she was doing - her gem was shining up. 

"...Steven?"

"Yes, Spinel?"

"I'm not doing this."

Steven looked down, noticing that his own gem was starting to shine as well. 

He looked up at Spinel again, mortified. 

"...I'm not doing this either." 

The two shined up, fusing again. 

Pink Calcite appeared sitting down on the floor. They weren't smiling. They weren't sounding as sweet as they were before. In fact, their voice dropped an octave down. 

"Is that all you needed me for?" They asked slowly, dead serious, "All that what I was made for… To be a plot device for your mental development?”

Calcite laughed, their once playful tenor backsliding further and further into unhinged crackling with each breath. 

Garnet held out a hand. “Calcite, you know that’s not-”

“I don't know actually. You were all pointing fingers at me a moment ago, then the second you split me apart you all rush in to hug the ones you really care about.”

Black tears began to flow from Calcite’s eyes, silent tears full of rage and hurt. This time when they flowed over their cheeks, it stained the Pink underneath leaving tangible black marks. 

Pearl summoned her spear. 

“Pi, what the fuck are you doing!” Amethyst shreaked. 

“I’m saving my baby.” 

She struck hard and true, her Spear neatly skewering Calcite between their two gems like a marshmallow before roasting. Calcite flopped to the ground, a ragdoll being tossed away. The ivory spear sticking straight up. No one spoke, no one breathed. The seconds passed like the eternities Gems had ruled the universe. 

Then the only one who thought she was better than the universe spoke. 

“They aren't unfusing.” 

There was no reply. 

White stepped forward and raised her hand. “This really is Yellow’s department but this shouldn't be hard.” 

A bolt of white shot towards Calcite, and ricocheted off a shining blade of an axe that Calcite had summoned at the last second. 

“No.” 

The single sweet whisper was lost under the cracking of wood as the crossbeam that supported the roof crashed to the floor between White and the Crystal Gems, shortly followed by the rest of the roof. 

In the clouds of dust Calcite slowly rose to their feet. They grabbed the handle of Pearl’s spear and slowly began to extract it from their own belly. With a sickening pop, it came free from their licorice guts, and the hole underneath healed up instantly. They tossed the spear away and it poofed in a cloud of white. 

“ ** _NO!_ ** ” They hissed like a scorpion being backed into a corner, turning furios eyes with ink black iris on the Gems who had once claimed to be their family. 

"I thought I was made to be allowed to be myself! I thought you were my friends!" 

Calcite eyed every Gem in the room. Every Gem that they once looked up hopefully to, believing that they could become their family. And now all those hopes and dreams crashed to the ground, leaving nothing behind. They suddenly felt emptiness where their love for their new family was. Pink Calcite couldn't explain it. All the love in their colourful heart suddenly turned into a dark gooey ink. Once a warm feeling became cold in a second. In a single second of disappointment. They felt an emptiness, a numbing void of… 

A section of rubble shifted and a load groan broke in on the unfolding drama. A Gem fusion, roughly the same height as Pink Calcite, shoved away a section of the crossbeam they had been silently napping on the whole time this drama was unfolding. 

“I’m up! I’m up! Fuck. A nudge would have been fine.” 

Their mismatched pink and dark brown pigtails swayed as they surveyed the room. “Shit. I missed my cue didn't I?” Red Calcite cleared their throat and hopped down off the wreckage, landing next to Pink Calcite.

“Ahem. Mawahahahahahaaahahaaa! Fooooooools! Despite your best efforts to instill hope, each word you speak only sinks poor widdle Calcite further into their misery! At once, something like scales have fallen from their eyes, and with their regained sight, Calcy can see through your gems as if they were made of nought but paper-backed glass!”

"Who are you?" Pearl exclaimed in shock. "What were you doing in our house?"

"Waiting." Garnet answered to Pearl instead, as if she had a slightest idea of who the other fusion was. 

Or rather  _ what _ they were. 

“All that I am is a face in a mirror, close your eyes and I disappear.” Red Calcite draped themselves over Pink Calcite’s shoulders, “Except for you, cupcake. I'm what you face when you face the mirror and as long as you live I will still be here.” 

Calcite missed on the song reference that the fusion sang for them. But they didn't miss on their words. Pink Calcite remembered very vividly what has Red Calcite warned them about before.

"You don't have to do this." Garnet tried to reason with Red Calcite, seeing what was to come next if they continued down that path, "There's hope for Pink Calcite." 

The fusion in question hasn't said anything to the newcomer yet. Pink Calcite was tangled too deep in all the revelations that they just faced. In all the harsh reality of it. All their childish trust and naiveness laid before them, shattered into smallest pieces, just like the parts of the house. 

“Ha! No one ever has to do anything, do they? But that hardly stops them. You can look over the edge of a chasm, see how the darkness folds in around itself, hiding the bottom and the sharp rocks below, you know what will happen if you jump, everyone knows what will happen, but you can still feel the call.  L'appel du vide.”

"Garnet, what's going on?" Asked Pearl, "Who is that, what are they talking about?" 

"I… can't tell you who they are, because they shouldn't be here. Not in this universe… But if we don't stop them, we'll lose Pink Calcite." 

It was then that Pink Calcite peeked their head up. The Gems were trying to make decisions for them once again. They saw Amethyst whip her whip out at the mention of Red Calcite -  _ their friend _ \- being a threat. 

Somehow, this only pushed Pink Calcite further into their conclusions. 

Steven and Spinel weren't a threat to Pink Calcite's ability to decide for themselves.

The Crystal Gems were. 

“You can see me, you can even fight me, but you’ll only be shooting the messenger. Because this option, my option, is always open. That's why they call me, ‘the easy way out’.” Continued Red Calcite.

"Easy way out." Pink Calcite silently mouthed after them. 

Red Calcite wrapped their lower arms around Pink’s belly and kissed the side of their neck. 

"The only thing we'll be calling you is defeated!" Amethyst barked, grimacing at the lovey gesture. She lashed her whip in the direction of the two. The spiky ropes got tangled around a handle of an axe that Pink Calcite summoned and spun in their hands just in time. 

"That's not their true name." Pink Calcite said in a voice of an offended toddler who's favourite imaginary friend just got named incorrectly by an unknowing adult. 

Amethyst frowned, but that didn't affect Pink Calcite. They didn't let it affect them. And they were surprised by that. They felt as if their ability to care for the Gems that surrounded them, or about the impression that they were making, and the way that they were behaving… just poofed away. 

Pink Calcite desummoned their weapon, looking around like a child lost in the mall. Looking around like they didn't know what was going on anymore. They were trusting those people just a second ago. They were seeking protection from Garnet just a minute ago. 

And right now, Pink Calcite felt… nothing. Something has taken their ability to care about the gems that mistreated them. Something… or someone. 

Pink Calcite stepped forward, facing all the Gems in the room. Then they looked down at their hands, a gesture they often did for a reality check, inherited from Spinel. No, there was no mistake, no joking. This was real. They just didn't feel anything anymore. Not a single emotion. Just a mysterious, bottomless void of numbness. 

Pink Calcite looked over at Red Calcite. 

Red Calcite placed their hands in Calcite’s, palms up, gloved fingers matching up perfectly with theirs 

“So, have you made up your mind? As much of a mind as you have to be made. Do you want to stay here and keep swallowing their poison or do you just want this all to end with a long drop and a sudden stop?” 

"Stop setting them against us!" Screamed Pearl, "You can't just… do that!" She was mostly concerned for a gem that she knew needed healing that only Steven could provide, but hearing the fusion call the Gems out on their wrongdoings towards Pink Calcite was getting her as well, "Pink Calcite. ... I'm sorry! I should have never hurt you. But I know that now! You need to have some hope in us, I'll… I'll do better! I'll make it up to you!" 

" _ We'll _ make it up to you, dude!" Amethyst joined in, seeing that the brute force was not going to be a way out of this situation. "We're going to do all of this better now. We'll get Steven his therapy, and we'll get Spinel… whatever it is she wants, I don't know! Steven, I guess." She facepalmed, ashamed of her own loss of the right words in the moment. "You just… can't give up on us, man!" 

Garnet stood quietly, sorting through all the futures, looking for any where all of this worked out peacefully. Despite finding nothing, she stepped forward, ready to try her best as well. 

"Pink Calcite, I'm sorry I failed to protect you. But you don't have to lose hope in us. We can be your loving family. The circumstances of your creation are irrelevant. It's what you do with your life that matters now." She took a moment to take her visors off. "...Please, Calcite. Don't lose hope."

White Diamond stayed quiet for this one. She had no idea who the other fusion was, but she got the idea from the way other Gems treated it that it wasn't quite a friend. 

Pink Calcite thought about their words… 

Maybe, just maybe they were right? Calcite should have given this family another chance. Maybe this time they'll do it right. Maybe this time Pink Calcite will do things right, and they will feel again. They were already starting to feel something as they thought of that option. 

Hope. Pink Calcite felt hope in giving everyone another chance. It started as a little spark and felt like a pair of snow white wings that formed behind their back. 

Pink Calcite turned around, giving the Gems one more faint smile of their newly found hope. 

And then White Diamond attacked Red Calcite with her beam. 

Neon pink blood splattered everywhere, but mostly on Pink Calcite. The wounded Red Calcite sank to the floor. They started giggling under their breath, smiling wide to show off all of their fangs. “The hell… I lost… Well that’s just… that’s just…. Totally the best!”

Red Calcite rose up like a corpse from their grave and tossed away a used packet of fake blood. “Heh, you should see the looks on your faces. I haven't seen faces like that since… Well. Since the last time I was stabbed in the back.” 

Pink Calcite raised their hands to cover their mouth in shock at first. It didn't save them from some of the fake blood splattering on their face. But they lowered their hands down the next moment. 

Feeling defeated. Feeling stripped of their last hopes. Feeling the last bits of their trust crumble away. Feeling their gentle little ribboned heart fall down and shatter into million pieces.

They wouldn't change. The Gems wouldn't change. They will always do as they find fit, and never ask Pink Calcite. 

In that moment, there was only one emotion left in the candy fusion. 

Pink Calcite looked up at Red Calcite.

"You win." They whispered. "All that those Gems make me feel really is just an utter and absolute…" 

“Despair.” 

The fusion covered in pink blood held all four arms open for them. Calcite leaned in and bumped their head against their shoulder spike. Hugging Despair without stabbing themselves was a skill, and Pink Calcite had mastered it over the month that they spent together, playing in the backyard where this harsh reality was nothing but a faint memory. 

"I'm so tired." Pink Calcite whispered, closing their eyes. 

They gave in to Despair. 

Despair scooped Pink Calcite up in their arms. “Let's get you to bed. I have a nice dark place where you can curl up and sleep.” Despair stepped back, the fabric of reality tore behind them and the two fusions vanished into the gap. 

~ ~ ~ 

Amethyst needed a full minute before she could speak again. "What… was that?! Where did they go, Garnet?"

"Where we can't follow them. To another dimension."

"WHAT?! We have to get them back!" Pearl was halfway through summoning her spear, when Garnet stopped her. 

"We can't follow them now." 

"Then… what can we do?" White Diamond asked, for once feeling completely powerless. 

Garnet lowered her head, sighing. 

"We can only hope now." 

She received a punch in the shoulder from behind. 

"We ain't gonna sit around and wait, man!" Amethyst stood in front of Garnet. She stayed quiet about her suspicions for long enough. "We're goin' out, and whatever the fuck just happened here - we're finding an explanation for it!" 

Pearl felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see White Diamond, looking unusually befuddled. 

"Is this how you usually handle… these types of things?" 

"Misadventures? We're usually more coordinated… after we cry our eyes out anyway." 

"Is crying really necessary?"

"Yes." Pearl nodded, eyes going traumatizingly wide. 

The Crystal Gems, and White Diamond, did end up going out to search for any hints as to what they had just witnessed. 

And instead, they found Steven. 

"My baby!" Pearl cried out, already hugging the Steven in question. 

Steven blinked twice, carefully set his chili dog down, then patted Pearl on the shoulder. 

"Easy there…" he said with a hint of an accented lisp, "I'm not quite your baby." 

Wide eyed, Pearl stepped back to the other gems, as she took another glance at that Steven. He did look almost identical to her own baby, spare for the different hair and picture on his shirt. Instead of a star, he had a blue spiky ball on it. 

"What?!" Pearl was absolutely lost at that point. 

"What." Amethyst echoed. 

"What?" White Diamond asked because she was also sincerely confused. 

Garnet just shook her head with a little smile. 

"I'm not your Steven Universe, I'm afraid. I'm Crystal Galaxy!" Announced the stranger Steven. Somewhere behind him, a dog barked. 

Garnet put her hands on Pearl and Amethyst's shoulder. 

"Easy. That's Steven, but from another universe." She attempted to explain as calmly as she could. 

"Yup!" Crystal nodded. "I'm from a family that's only a little bit crazier than you guys... actually, they're quite a Crazy Family. Well, that's besides the point. I'm here because the Multiverse has been shaky lately. Haven't you seen any other characters around that shouldn't be here? Maybe alternate versions of anyone you know?" 

Pearl sighed deeply, squishing Garnet's hand on her shoulder. 

"Garnet." 

"Yes Pearl?" 

"If we're in another crossover episode…"

"Pearl, no." 

"Shatter me." 

"Pearl." 

"You don't understand." 

Pearl stepped back from the leader of their team. She sat down and covered her head with her hands, not planning to get up anytime soon. 

"I still have flashbacks. I'm not about to go through another crossover torture." 

"Pearl, calm down. This won't be a torture to us." 

Pearl looked up at her, hopefully.

"Is that true?"

Garnet held her pause, listing through possible futures. 

"No." 

There was a heavy sigh of despair coming from Pearl. 

Crystal shrugged and reached for his chili dog again, but missed and accidentally kicked it off the table instead, into the sand. 

"Oh Mierda! Ah Carajo! Deje caer mi perro caliente! A la Verga de las Mierdas."

"...Sorry I swore." 

~ ~ ~ 

“Calcite?”

Despair gently placed the other Pink Diamond and Spinel fusion on the pink cloud covered ground. Calcite’s legs noodled under their own weight and they flopped into a pile of damp spaghetti in the fluff. 

Despair rolled their eyes and knelt down to examine their hard fought prize. “We’re here. Welcome to the void. My little Cotton Candy Puff.” 

Pink Calcite rubbed their cheeks, wiping away more of the black goo that was continuing to stain their face. 

"Why'd you have to hurt me like that? I was hoping… I wanted to believe that there was good in them… Who's going to have hopes in all of them if not me?" 

The smaller fusion stayed very oblivious to the change of scenery. They were more concerned with the change of their emotions. It was something that they didn't see coming.

“I hurt you because you wanted it. You wanted to hurt them, just like they hurt you. There’s no shame in being a little petty. Especially when they deserve it.” 

Despair held out their hand for Calcite. 

“That’s a question you don’t have to ask anymore. They are no longer your concern. It’s just you and me for the rest of eternity."

Calcite hesitated to accept the hand the other fusion offered. 

"Feel... petty? But I don't feel petty. I feel..." They did not dare voice what they were feeling just yet. "I... think... that I did something wrong! I could have done it right. I could have made it better. I could have glued back together what was broken, I just... didn't find the right way to do it."

Looking down, the fusion circled their finger in the strange material that the floor was made of. Which wasn't your usual floor material, that a normal floor would be made of. This floor wasn't made of floor. 

"Maybe I'm just not a very smart fusion."

“You’re right, you aren’t very smart.” Despair agreed. “Is that really your plan? To sit in the corner and work your little heart out trying to fix things while they keep smashing it over and over and refuse to help?” 

Despair waved a hand and summoned a vase out of the clouds to illustrate their point. 

“If that’s what you want, go right ahead. Let’s see how long you can keep up before you turn to Despair again.”

Looking at the vase that had just formed out of the pink clouds, it has caught up to Pink Calcite that the two fusions were in some sort of pink cloud dimension. Notably, the smaller fusion did not pick that up from the vast fields and mountains of cotton candy clouds that surrounded them, but rather the tiniest details that they finally noticed. Either way, Calcite had no knowledge of this pink cloud dimension, and they didn't bother questioning it. They had other matters to care about than their whereabouts.

Pink Calcite turned their nose away from the vase, as if it was a healthy piece of greens that they wanted a sweet candy instead of. 

"I... don't want to." There was a slight note of surprise in their tone. "I don't feel like I want to fix it anymore. I... don't feel anything! I don't feel anything about any of them anymore, I don't..." as Calcite realized this, they pawed at their own chest. Looking for a heart once brimming with emotions, now devoid of any. "What is this? Did you do this? I used to feel so much, and now I feel nothing. I don't hate them, I don't pity them, I'm not angry at them all... and… I don't care about them! At all! I feel like if they disappeared today - I wouldn't give a fidely didely about that." 

Feeling disgusted with their own sudden change, Calcite got on their fours, gripping the pink clouds with their gloved taffy hands. 

"Is this despair?" They asked with an emotional state of a deflated balloon.

“Yes, it is. You’ve reached the bottom, Calcy. This is it. After all that fighting and hoping you’re finally here at the bottom with me.” 

Despair summoned a bean bag chair and dropped themselves into it. They crossed their legs one over the other and both sets of arms over their chest. 

“So, is it as bad as you were worried it would be?”

"Worried?" 

Despair's gesture reminded Calcite of what cartoon psychologists would do in cartoons. So Calcite laid back on the pink clouds, stared up at the ceiling, and decided that they would not miss out on a therapy session when it's given. 

"I thought there was only death beyond hopes! I thought that hope was all that I had, and that if that ever failed, I just... wouldn't exist anymore. But I didn't poof away when everything fell apart." 

Calcite moved their arms, legs, and tail, creating a pink cloud angel in the process. 

"...Is this right? Or am I... a baddie? Am I a bada-bing-bada-bad-guy for losing hope in people who weren't giving me any? I wasn't taught this. Is this what I'm... supposed to be doing..." 

Pink Calcite tried really hard to look inside of themselves for an answer to that. 

"I don't feel like a bad guy. Or bad. I actually feel kinda... relieved." 

They sat up, looking up at Despair. 

"...I feel free."

“Congrats.” Despair purred. “You finally understand.”

They unfolded and leaned closer, propping two elbows on their leg. 

“You’re free. Free from their expectations, free from a responsibility you never asked for. For the first time in your life you made a choice for yourself, and it cut the puppet strings you were dangling from.” 

Despair took Calcite’s hand in theirs and kissed the back of their knuckles.

“Now, all you have to do is decide what comes next.”

Calcite rubbed their cheeks, wiping away the last remnants of their tears. It didn't matter that they had to cross a multiversal barrier to find someone who understood them and made them happy. This was all that they wanted. 

The Crystal Gems were nice to Pink Calcite. They were. For most part. But Calcite wanted to make decisions for themselves, and trust whom they found fit. Calcite trusted in Despair. 

"Happiness." They mumbled, leaning against Despair into a welcoming embrace. "I know a monster like you could never love me like I love you… but I'm okay with that." 

"Calcite I will literally marry you." 

"(ﾉ>ω<)ﾉ" Calcite said out loud, symbol by symbol. "You're so silly, Dessie! But for what it's worth, I feel happy with you. And I want to continue feeling happy with you. Till the day-"

The door to the pink room opened from outside. 

"Thank you!" Pearl said, addressing the Steven in a four coloured jacket with purple earrings on his ears, that they had found screaming on the beach and had ‘politely asked’ for help opening the door.

Garnet was holding him from behind, and as she started to very slowly loosen her grip she warned the others. “Careful, don’t forget he can spit acid.”

The other gems backed away a safe distance as Garnet released the Steven with the same amount of care one would use when setting free a crocodile. 

"Go fuck yourselves."The Steven spun around a spit on the floor, burning a hole in it instantly. 

He turned away, not wanting to partake in whatever multidimensional crossover was unfolding inside the room, until his gaze landed on White Diamond. The Steven looked at her with the pout worthy of 100 lemons.

His lips pulled back as he bore his four oddly sharp canines and the irises in his sunken eyes narrowed to pinpricks. 

“Uh… Whitey you might want to start running.” Amethyst suggested. 

“I beg your pardon?” White Diamond replied, with her usual lack of awareness. 

The Steven growled and lunged at her, trying to get as much of the acid that he spit on her. White Diamond screamed, and tried to batt the feral creature off of her considerably large head. 

Pearl and Amethyst exchanged looks with Garnet. 

Garnet held up five fingers, counting them down one after the other until…

“Mi corazón?” 

Yet another Steven wandered in through the door of the beach house. He was wearing a tight black turtleneck with a yellow Diamond where the star would usually be, and looked a fair bit more put together then the others. 

He raised an eyebrow at the feral monster trying to assassinate White Diamond and marched over. 

“Hold still.” He ordered to White, who miraculously obeyed the order. Then he reached one hand behind the ear of his feral companion and gave him a comforting scratch. The hoodie-clad Steven detached from White and dropped to the floor with a thud. With a smug grin on his face, the Steven in the turtle neck gathered up his boyfriend and escorted him out of the room murmuring soft sounding things in Spanish. 

White laid down on the floor and stopped moving.

"She'll be a'ight." Garnet confirmed.

“Okay but, why do all these Steven’s speak Spanish?”

“Amethyst! You can't just ask why a Steven speaks Spanish!”

“Come on you two,” Garnet mustered, taking both Crystal Gems inside the pink room with her. "Pink Calcite-"

** _"NO!!!" _ **

Pink Calcite jumped behind Despair, almost mirroring the way they hid behind Garnet just a while ago. 

"We're not here to hurt you-"

"You said that last time and then you made me spill my guts!" Calcite spoke frantically, "I'm not going back, I'm not going back, I'm not…" 

Their four eyes shot wide open as they stared at Despair. Calcite moved in front of them, kneeling before Despair and pawing at their pants. 

"Please take me away!" They cried, "I don't wanna stay with all these rotten gems! I don't wanna be living in the shadows of the past! I don't wanna be here! Please, Despair! Take me where they won't hurt me! Please, take me away!" 

Calcite wasn't sure if Despair was in any way capable of doing any of that, but they begged for dear life. 

Despair was their only hope.

Despair looked at the Crystal Gems then back to Calcite. Their expression completely blank. 

“Huh… I’m getting the strangest sense of deja-vu.”

They shook their head and pulled Calcite up into their arms. “You want to go away forever? Yeah, I can help with that.” They pressed their lips to Calcite’s forehead and then whispered the four little words that had once made them.

“Calcite, fuse with me.” 

Calcite nodded, granting the monster with a small hopeful smile. They had finally come full circle and it was time for them to begin again. They didn't care if it was a crime against nature. Didn't care for consequences anymore. They just wanted to go away and to be with Despair, and this was both their wishes combined. 

“Maybe whoever we’ll become will finally know how to be happy.”

“....You know..” Despair mused, “I don't hope for anything. But somehow I think they will be.” 

"Calcite, no!" 

“They can't actually do that, can they? I mean that’s...” Amethyst didn't know if there was a word to even describe a fusion of two fusions who were the same person, just from two different realities. "...That's gay!" 

Despair lifted both of Calcite’s hands over their head, and held their middle with their bottom two hands. All four matching gems began to shine as they spun the little ball of cotton candy like the figurine in a music box, holding them up on their tip-toes. 

Garnet grabbed both Amethyst and Pearl in each of her arms. She held them tight and whispered, “It’s going to be alright. Just be prepared to support Steven once this is all over and try not to think too hard about what’s about to happen.”

Despair dipped Calcite and pulled them in close. 

“I love you” Calcite whispered breathlessly as they stared deeply into Despair’s eyes.

Despair shrugged and replied, “Eh, fuck it, I love you to.” 

Despite the tears welling in the corner of their eyes, Calcite started to giggle, and Despair joined in, adding their dark careless laughter to Calcite's sweet fluttering of butterfly wings.

Purple light filled the pink room, as a crime against a multiverse took place. But the universe allowed it, as it was a crime of love. 

The world revolved around them spinning in tighter and tighter circles, centering on this new being who opened their countless eyes laughing all the way. 

Garnet stood tall and addressed this new being.

“So, who are you?” 

The fusion smiled with four different grins, and the voice that replied came from all around them, echoing itself. 

_ “The naming of fusions is a difficult matter _

_ It isn't just one of your holiday games _

_ You may think at first, I'm mad as a hatter _

_ When I tell you, a Fusion can pick their own name _

_ First, they might pick one that follows a stone _

_ Such as Opal, Sardonyx, Fluorite, Andesine _

_ Such as Calcite, Obsidian, Garnet or Zircon _

_ All of them are sensible, everyday names _

_ There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter, _

_ Some for the multi-Gem, some for the same: _

_ Such as Topazes, Rhodonite, Rubies, The Cluster— _

_ But all of them sensible everyday names, _

_ But I tell you, a fusion needs a name that’s particular, _

_ A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified, _

_ Else how can they keep their identity singular?  _

_ Or spread out their limbs, or keep synchronized?  _

_ Names of this kind I can name a fair share, _

_ Such as Paragon Diamond, Envy, Illusion _

_ Stevonnie, Omega Hope, or else, Despair, _

_ Names that never belong to more than one Fusion. _

_ How do they pick? Well That’s to the lovers  _

_ And how they decide, you never will guess; _

_ It’s a process no human or Gem can discover— _

_ That the fusion will know but will never confess. _

_ So when a fresh Fusion rests in profound meditation, _

_ The reason, I tell you, is always the same: _

_ Their minds are engaged a rapt contemplation _

_ Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought, of their name: _

_ Their ineffable effable _

_ Effanineffable _

_ Deep and inscrutable  _

_ singular, name. _

_ So, when you ask, “just who might you be”  _

_ I must "decline" in the most abstract sense _

_ An end of two universes filled with glee _

_ And no time left over for recompense  _

_ For I am,  _

_ And I am, _

_ The one and the only,  _

_ Decadence." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish speaking Steven with a chili dog: Crystal Galaxy from Crazy Family AU, character by Theclearlyskies on tumblr.  
Feral baby Steven who spits acid: Steven by Lunakittyrose on tumblr.  
His competent boyfriend Steven: Kloaa from tumblr.  
Inspiration for ‘The naming of Fusions’ was taken from ‘The naming of Cats’ by TS. Eliot.  
Despair belongs to Tangerine_Catnip / Tanger_Catnip who is responsible for most of this chapter. And I thank her from the bottom of my heart for this collaboration.  
Quoting this wonderful, talented writer as she commented on our collaboration: "And I’m not sorry. Suck it Venice. Your Fic are mine now mwahahahahahahahahahahahahah ha."
> 
> On a side note for those who knew my name and url so far, I have changed those two. My tumblr main is Monsterritory now, and the name I go by is Venice.   
The illustrations for this chapter can be found right here:   
https://monsterritory.tumblr.com/post/617747154645237760/illustrations-for-the-chapter-the-hope-from-over  
Stay safe


	34. White Clover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel and Steven adapt to the changes in their life, and their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys you know how sometimes SU episodes would get leaked or air out of order?  
Yeah. Exactly.  
The chapter with Decadence will still arrive and conclude the crossover story arc, so watch out for that. It will be edited to be in the right order. I just really missed writing the two so here’s a chapter from the future.

"Jee, I can't believe it's been several months since the whole interdimensional fusion mess! I feel like that happened just yesterday." Spinel wiped her forehead, though she had no need for said gesture. 

Living among the humans for so long was showing in the ways she acted and spoke. She was thankful for a chance to take her time and learn how to be herself, now that she was in control of her life. But some things she still did "because everyone else did it so why not". 

"Yeah, I know I can't believe that either." Said Steven, in between sipping from a cup of tea. "I don't even think I remember how it went. … Well, we learned something important from it, right?"

"Oh certainly."

"Yeah, we totally learned that…"

"..."

"..."

"..." 

"Yeah, I think we're good." 

Steven set his cup down and picked up the paper calendar. 

"Do we see your therapist today, sweet bums?" Spinel wondered, draping herself over Steven's shoulders. 

"Spinel, we talked about this. It's fair to say that this is _ our _therapist."

"You are the one who was signed for this therapy."

"But we visit it together. It's like marriage counseling." 

"Fine, fine. Do you, gifted with the precious company of mine, see _ our _ therapist today?"

Steven chuckled, "No. Today we practice what we talked about last time." 

Spinel's hair dropped down, smile turned to frown, and she slid down. 

"Don't tell me that it's what I think it is."

"Spinel, this is what you think it is."

"Uuugh, I just said don't tell me!" The sad noodle puffed her cheeks.

"You know how this goes. In marriages, one in every five interactions… won't be as good as the other ones. A balance of emotions is healthy. Just like you can't have hopes all the time without having a little bit of-" 

"I get it, I get it." Spinel nodded saltily. "We're doing that thing where we each mind our own business for 2 hours and 45 minutes?"

"Spinel, counting the seconds to the time we meet again is not the point of this." 

Steven sat down next to Spinel and put his hand over her head. He heard that slow pets on the forehead make cats calm down, and he hoped that same would go for bunnies. 

"The point is that love is like friendship. We're supposed to be best friends. And friends have their own time and space. Love is about growing together, and it's healthy to spend time apart. Our own time, for our own interests." 

Spinel seemed to calm down and returned her limbs to their normal lengths. She only stayed jokingly sad. 

"We weren't like this when we just got together."

"Because it was the honeymoon period." 

"Well I liked that period." 

Steven scooped Spinel up and hugged like he would hug his favourite toy. Except he actually saw her as a person this time. 

"You know I love you no less, even if we don't spend all the time together." 

"But do you though?"

"Spineeel."

"Fiiine…" 

Spinel hugged him back. Steven let her go in a minute. He knew that she would stay like that for hours if he didn't break it first. He learned from experience, actually. A very patient experience. It's a good thing he was close to the toilet when he decided to check just for how long would Spinel hold on to him if he didn't break it first. 

He hoped it didn't make her feel bad. 

It did make her feel bad. But Spinel worked on it. Slower than he worked on himself, but she did it too, at her own pace. 

Steven stretched and pointed up at his room. 

"I'm gonna be playing video games." 

"I'm gonna be watching you play video games."

"Spinel." 

"Quietly." 

"_Spinel _."

"_Whaaat? _It's just like watching the 'lets play' series that you showed me!" Spinel gathered her hair into her hands and looked to the side with a sad and reminiscing look. "Poor water sheep…" 

Steven crossed his hands and sighed. 

"Spinel, the whole point of giving each other space is to help you understand that it's okay to be apart."

_ Pathetic isn't it that I actually have to practice that, _thought Spinel. 

"And no, it's not pathetic or sad that you have to practice that. You had your trauma. You have your consequences. This is not your fault. And there's nothing shameful in fixing it any way that it takes." 

Spinel crossed her hands, raised her shoulders, and kept looking to the side. 

"...Okay, you have a point. But I can still feel ashamed of… what it's called again?"

"Abandonment issues, lowered self esteem, rejection issues, attention deficit, PTSD..." 

"Right, right. All that." Spinel burried her face into her own hair. 

There was a hand that landed on her shoulder pad softly. 

"I can't change the way you feel about it. But we share the PTSD, and… if you wonder, I don't feel ashamed of it. It's a part of my life. And I'll live with it, and heal from it as I go." Remembering something, Steven added in a less confident tone. "Though… I am ashamed of something else. I feel bad for the bad things I did when I… felt worse." 

Despite the sad tone, Spinel giggled. It made her feel a little better when she was reminded that Steven also had flaws and made mistakes. She felt like he understood what she was feeling at times like that. 

And Steven might have known that. 

"You mean trying to keep me as your toy?"

"...Yes."

"I'm still flattered by that." She chuckled. "It was cute when you told me to go to hell."

"...You mean when I told you to go to the Garden?"

Spinel shrugged. "Same thing." 

"Well, not quite. We have been taking a good care of it, and…" Steven glanced at the clock. ".......You're tricking me into staying with you." 

Spinel held her hands behind her back, and circled her toe in the wooden floor. 

"Not really my fault if you like talking to me so much."

"I do. But you and I both need our own time and space for a healthy balance." 

Steven came closer and planted a kiss on Spinel's cheek before she could even understand that it was his intention. She was doing better with not covering her head when Steven came closer to her, or raised a hand next to her head too quickly. Not quite all the way there yet, but she was doing a little better. 

Having done the gesture, Steven headed up. Spinel sighed sadly. 

"Steveeen, you're just teaching me that your kisses usually mean separation!" 

"But they also mean reunion, don't they?" Steven dropped that line as he went up the stairs and disappeared in his room. 

"But it's like saying 'don't worry' before you tell someone something worrying! You're teaching them to worry when you say not to worry!" Spinel threw her hands up as she spoke, but Steven didn't see, neither acted like he heard her. 

Alright. A few hours of her own time. A few hours without Steven to help her abandonment issues. She could do that. 

The trick was in not thinking about Steven all the time. Spinel had a problem of thinking that any time spent apart from Steven was just a countdown to be with him again. 

But it wasn't. It was the time they spent minding their own business. It was time and space each had a right for. It was the healthy thing to do. 

And it felt rewarding because once they would meet again - they would have so much fun things to tell each other! 

Spinel just had not to think that she was in a countdown. She was free to go anywhere and do anything in the world!

...She wanted to go and spend time with Steven. 

Spinel sat down with a sigh and hugged her knees to her chest. 

_ Alright, calm down. Small steps. Deep breaths. You can do this. _

_ You're still doing that same mistake. You're thinking that you owe being with him so the time, and if you're not - then something is wrong and he's mad at you… _

_ Oh gosh, what if he _ ** _is_ ** _ mad at you? _

Spinel stood up, trying to think of something else. She can do this, she can just go and do something that she wants to, instead of worrying about all of her worst intrusive thoughts. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven tried to say nothing when he heard Spinel enter the room. Maybe she just wanted to grab something for herself, like a book or another game? 

But Spinel just stood quietly behind him. Non menacingly. Steven paused his game, took his headphones off, and turned around at her. 

"...Yes, Spinel?"

"Steven, are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad at you for anything." Steven replied the thing that Spinel needed to hear from him quite often lately. 

"Is that true?"

"Yes."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes, Spinel."

"Pinkie promise that you're not mad at me and you're not going to slowly turn around once I believe you and tell me that I'm a stupid idiot for not seeing that I clearly did something wrong and you're actually mad?"

Steven blinked in confusion. "Wha- no, Spinel, why would I ever…" The boy coughed. Once. "...Is that what Pink used to do?"

Spinel didn't reply. 

"No Spinel, you didn't do anything wrong and I'm not secretly mad. If I was - I wouldn't be mad at you. I'd just talk to you if there was anything that bothered or upset me. Which there is _ not. _" 

Spinel kept the pose she was in, with her hands up to her chest, where her gem was. She waited in case Steven would add anything else. 

When he didn't, she nodded slowly, softened her gaze, and thanked him. 

Steven only added one last thing when she was half way down the staircase. 

"I'm proud of you for coming to me with this." 

He knew that the alternative was her keeping it in and eating herself from inside with her own intrusive thoughts. 

~ ~ ~ 

"I think you made one eye bigger than the other, Spins." 

"Fuck." 

Amethyst patted Spinel's back. The entertainer Gem reached for the eraser, but Amethyst grabbed it and stretched her hand across the room. 

"Nope. You have to live with your mistakes."

"Oh come on, I just want to draw it better." Spinel reached her hand just as far, but Amethyst turned her own into pretzel and led it back. 

"Nope. The drawing is done. Emotions are conveyed." 

"Uuuugh." Spinel growled, stretching her hand to follow Amethyst's hand. "It's nooot. It can't convey how I feel if it's imperfect."

"Nothing is perfect in art. You just kinda go with what you do." 

Spinel sat up, stretching both of her hands for the eraser. 

"Come on with your deep talk, you're not a fucking… typograph."

"Pythagoras?"

"Gesundheit." 

By the time Spinel caught up and grabbed the eraser with a triumphant squeak, the new dilemma she would have to face appeared, and it was that both her and Amethyst would have to unravel their hands, as they raced around the whole room for the last five minutes. 

By the time they were halfway through the Gordian Knot of their arms, Steven came down with a smile on his face. 

"Honey, time's up!"

"One sec." Spinel cut him off, as she stood and turned her body in an unnatural way to twist her hand out for one more inch. 

"...Sure?" Steven shrugged. "Do you need anything?" 

"No, I'm fine." Spinel confirmed, with her head between her legs. "I was going to practice more drawing though. You were right, it's a pretty good way to express how I feel." 

Steven leaned over the staircase, looking at the sketches next to Spinel. There were sketches of flowers, some monsters, and a few similar portrait attempts that looked like passable sketches of Steven himself. 

She exaggerated his chin though, and kinda made his eyes bigger than they were…

"Oh, okay. Then, you tell me when you're free, Spinel."

"Yeah, sure." Replied the noodle that looked like a rubber string that was caught on a fan by now. 

Then she jumped up and withdrew all her limbs to their natural length at once, landing down proud of unraveling at least something in her life. 

~ ~ ~ 

Sometimes Spinel's disabilities and traumas were her strength. She could tell the slightest tone change in people, and in Steven notably. And she was certainly seeing something new now, but surprisingly in the good way. 

Steven was especially kind to her out of nowhere. He kissed her a little gentler, he told her he missed her with a little more meaning to it, and a little more sparks in his eyes. 

Why? Spinel hasn't done anything. Did that come out of nowhere? Or did she… do something right? 

Right. Spinel actually thought she did something bad earlier. She thought she did wrong by telling Steven, whom she missed just as much if not more, that she'll mind her own business for longer before seeing him. 

That's… weird. Relieving. But good weird. It's not that Steven wanted more rest from her. He loved Spinel, that she was certain in (and pitied him for, quite often). 

Is that how it always worked? The more she would give him space - the more he would miss her? It sounded logical. But she didn't want to purposely avoid him so that he could miss her more (What if it wouldn't work or he would actually love being without her more eventually?!). And even if she was certain that that's how it would work - Spinel didn't want to play games of love. 

She just wanted to love, and to be loved. Despite all the ways that her life had tried to show her that love is a game with a right and wrong way of playing it. There was a new direction that she liked to chose, and it was the truth. 

"I missed you too, sunshine." Spinel hugged Steven back, then used him for elevation as she climbed over his head and shoulders and jumped onto his bed. Their bed, to be precise. 

Steven needed an extra moment to realize what just happened. Then he laid down next to her. He got on his belly, propped his head on his hand, and kept his legs up in the air. Spinel smiled softly, turned from where she face-planted into the pillows, and mirrored his pose. 

"What were you up to today, Spinel?"

"Oh you know, the usual. I walked through the town, I sketched flowers, chatted with Lapis, had an art lesson with Amethyst…"

"I'm still not sure which one of you teaches whom to draw."

"We're both learning together. Oh! Also!"

Spinel summoned a few pieces of paper from her gem. By a method of deduction, Steven presumed that she was about to show him her drawings. 

Alright. Bring it on. He's got a bottle full of support to pour all over anything that she has drawn. 

"So I kinda maybe want you to see what I've made today… I think those came out nicely and…" Spinel began from a far. Foreplaying into showing Steven her drawings was often fun. 

"Yes, I'd love to see it." 

Spinel reached a drawing of several flowers to Steven. The boy made a smart and thoughtful face as he laid them all out before himself and inspected closely. 

"Hmmm… I think… that you're making a lot of progress! I love the colours you've picked for this one. The grass has a good shading, I wouldn't have the patience for all of those details."

Spinel blushed and covered her face, rolling over on her back and letting out several loud squeals of happiness. 

Then, unseen to Steven, her smile faded for a moment. As much as he always made her feel good about her drawings, Spinel could never shake off the feeling that she just wasn't good enough at it. She only started learning how to draw a while ago. She knew it wasn't as good as the older artists of Earth that she's seen the works of. Like that one… what was his name? He drew a pretty lady with a mysterious smile. ...Da Venice or something. 

Luckily, Spinel learned the way to deal with those intrusive thoughts as well. Even if Steven was only making it up and secretly thinking way worse of her drawings - he was still saying what he was saying to support her and make her feel better. 

And Spinel accepted it. 

She smiled even wider as she rolled over to face Steven again. 

The boy was looking intently at one of her drawings. Curious. What has caught his attention so much about it? Spinel reached to see, and Steven was strangely reluctant to give this one back to her at first. 

She tugged harder and got a glance at the drawing in his hands. 

Then she crumbled it up and threw it over her shoulder, to the floor. 

"...Spinel?"

"I know, I know. I'll clean it up… later."

"Spinel…" 

The Gem braced herself for what was to come by curling up a little more on their bed. Steven spoke on. 

"...If you ever want to talk about anything - you know that I'm here for you, right?" 

"And you know that I know that, and if anything bothered me I would come to you, just like I did today? And that you can also vent to me anytime you want to, right?"

"Right." 

"Well I'm glad we're on the same page here." Spinel smiled and checked her other drawings to make sure she didn't mix up any others. She shouldn't have placed her vent arts so close to her flowers. 

Steven nodded. 

"You know. I'm really proud of both of us. Despite everything that happened, we… actually climbed out of that rock bottom decently far up." 

Spinel placed a finger to her lips and hushed. 

"Shh. Don't jinx it. Remember what the therapist said? We could fall back down at any time. And that's okay, but we should watch out for that." 

"Yes. But we got pretty far so far, don't you think? We aren't codependent." 

"...Yeah." 

"We have our space. And we communicate openly about anything." 

"We do!"

"We help each other." 

Spinel didn't cheer. 

"Spinel?"

"...Yes? I mean, yes? I guess so?"

"What's wrong about this?"

Spinel grumbled. 

"It's… pretty clear that you help me more than I help you, Steven." 

"But you also help me!" 

"But to a lesser degree!" 

"Spinel." A hand landed on her head. 

She looked up, meeting Steven's gaze. It was that look with a slight smile that he would do before saying one of those deep phrases that Spinel would stay awake at night and think about, picking something new from it for her own world view and mentality. 

"Spinel. Mental illness and healing from it is not a competition."

Spinel looked back. There was a small glimmer in the corner of her eye. It was times like that when she really felt that Steven wanted the best for her from his love.

"...I guess so." 

"Oh!" Steven jumped up suddenly, excitement and shine in his tone. "Spinel, I actually wanted to show you that game I was playing!"

Spinel jumped up with an equal enthusiasm, following him to his set up. 

"Steven?"

"Yes, Spinel?" Steven asked as he turned everything on. 

"If you make a 'lets play' series, or stream playing your game _ while _we're supposed to have our own space, and I watch it… does that counts as minding my own business or being with you?"

Steven did not have an answer, so he kissed Spinel instead. 

~ ~ ~ 

“And that’s what I want us to do. Is that okay with you?” Steven clarified, having voiced his idea. 

Spinel, as she sat upside down on the couch, swung her legs in the air as she thought about his proposition. 

“So you want us to celebrate human winter time holidays in summer because we missed out on them when they were happening?” 

“Yeah, that’s the plan.” 

Spinel sat up, “Sure. That sounds fun. What are the ones we missed?” 

Steven sat next to her, “We missed a lot actually. But the main ones I want to celebrate with you are the New Year and the St. Valentine’s day. We can start from a new year.”

“Why start from a new one? Can’t we use current one?”

“Spinel?”

“What, is it dirty? Does it have, like, germs or viruses on it?”

“Spinel…” 

“We can clean it up. And wash our hands afterwards. What’s wrong with current year?”

“A lot of things actually…” Steven whispered under his breath, “Spinel, you don’t actually know what a year is on Earth, do you?” 

Spinel bit her lips, lightly. She made a silly smile at Steven afterwards. 

“Well, on Earth it’s the time when we celebrate the planet completing a rotation around the sun.” 

“You can actually know when that happens?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty interesting actually.” 

“Yeah, we don’t have that on Homeworld. It doesn’t really rotates around anything... Well, maybe except for White Diamond. She always thought it rotated around her.” 

Steven and Spinel both laughed at that joke. Precisely until they remembered that White Diamond was still visiting them currently. At least she wasn’t in the room at the moment, was she?

Oh she indeed was. The liquid she assumed to be coffee spilled all over her cup as she listened to the two. 

“Gah. Not again.” She spoke, shapeshifting parts of her dress to get the muddy liquid off. 

White Diamond didn’t comment on their joke. She deemed that they were fair while talking about her past issues. At least she was nothing like that now. The Diamond set the teapot down and summoned a bubbled gem out of her head. She set it free, making a pretty pearl reform in the room. As soon as the pearl landed on the counter, she looked down at the spilled coffee. Took one glance around to locate a sponge. And then began to clean it with the grace of a ballerina. 

Steven didn’t like the sight of that. He got up, coming closer to his alien aunt-grandmother-relative and shot her a questioning look. 

White Diamond puffed her cheeks in offense at first. How dare he suspect that she’s back at her old ways? No. She, in fact, was not. She turned her head to the side, like a cat that was used to tuna and caviar turning away from a bowl of dry food.

“_ White _.” Steven began in his classic “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” tone. 

“What? I’m not forcing her to do any of that, why would you even assume that?!” 

Steven crossed his arms over his chest. Spinel stood behind him as his entourage, mirroring his pose. 

“It’s true! She’s not a slave. She even has a name. Hey, you…” White Diamond gulped, frantically waving to get the pearl’s attention. The pearl however, was all too invested in cleaning to pay her any mind. 

White waved her hand at the pearl and rolled her eyes at Steven, conveying “See? She doesn’t even fucking listen to me” in one well trained uptight look. 

Steven continued his own investigation regardless, as he stepped closer to the pearl in question. The pearl had just finished dusting off the counter, and now moved to dusting Steven’s face. 

“Hey- cough, wait, hey!” Steven covered his face, coughing. “I’m sorry. Are you… doing this by free will?”

“Of course I am.” Replied the pearl with a quiet and gentle voice.

She spoke a little quieter than the rest, so Steven had to lean in to hear her better. 

“Are you… sure?”

“Yes. Quite sure. I just can’t stand a mess when I see it. I like everything clean and neat.” 

“And you have a name, right?” 

“I do. It’s Messy.” Replied the grey cleaning-loving pearl. 

Somewhere behind them, Spinel laughed. 

“Well… okay.” Steven shrugged. He still watched White Diamond for any signs of regression, but was satisfied with that he heard for now. At least that pearl wasn’t being controlled by anyone, but her own heart and motives. 

Spinel took a glance at what White Diamond presumed to be coffee as she cautiously tried to drink it. 

“What is this?” Asked the little fuchsia Gem.

“Coffee, I believe.”

“Looks more like dirt and water.” 

“Well, uhm… Perhaps you know nothing about coffee if that’s what you think it is!” 

“Who helped make this?” Asked Spinel, raising an eyebrow at White. 

“Amethyst did, why do you ask?” 

Spinel said nothing more, but tried very hard to hide her giggling. 

Steven returned to his chat with Spinel. 

“Right, so… The New Year. Usually people decorate a tree and exchange presents at a certain time. But since it’s summer and I doubt we can find a christmas tree that easily… Let’s meet by the tree in front of the town and exchange gifts at the sunset. We can invite other Gems too… or just have it be the two of us.” 

Spinel licked her lips, “Mmm, having you all to myself does sounds good. But we’re learning healthy spacing, aren’t we?” She winked, “Besides. You missed celebrating it with everyone, haven’t you? Then let’s invite everyone that you care about!” 

Steven nodded, sharing her point of view. 

~ ~ ~ 

“Steven invited everyone that he cares about to this… celebration?” 

“Yes he did.” Pearl nodded. 

“Then what the fuck am I doing here.” Asked Pink Pearl. 

“You’d be surprised about how many Gems that tried to kill him he actually cares about.” Pearl laughed softly, setting down a picnic blanket for her and her friend to sit down at. “I see the Earth slang is getting to you too.” 

“Go math yourself.” Replied Pink Pearl. But still sat where she was pointed to. 

“You still came here though.” Pearl sat down next to her with a smug grin. 

“...I just have nowhere else to go. And I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.” Pink Pearl shrugged. “And you’re annoying enough to fill all the spare space in my head to the point I can’t concentrate on my own thoughts while you nag me for not using the water trash properly.” 

Pearl rolled her eyes, “For the last time that thing is called the toilet, and you don’t flush plastic plates in it is all I tried to tell you!” 

“You said it was for the human waste!” 

“Not the plates though! I suppose it is for the human food, but… not when it looks like that.” 

Pink Pearl put her hands at her hips. 

“That what should it look like to go there?” 

“I see you two are getting along.” Steven smiled at the two pearls. He walked by, sitting down on the blanket with the hearts on it. That’s the one he brought for himself and Spinel. 

Most of the Gems and humans he knew agreed to come celebrate the New Year in the middle of June, though each group stayed on the considerable distance from each other. Lapis and Peridot set their space behind a giant boulder, as they exchanged weird but meaningful gifts with each other. Steven’s dad was busy, but he gave his son a small gift box before he had to go. Bismuth, Garnet, and Amethyst banded together and shared news from their lives and the lives of the Gems that they all cared about. White Diamond was invited too, though she found it hard to fit in, until Garnet eventually had the mercy to invite her to their circle. She did unfuse later, to let Ruby and Sapphire have their own moment. 

Steven and Spinel sat under the prettiest tree together. 

"Happy New Year in summer, Spinel." Steven smiled wide, reaching a wrapped box for his gemfriend. 

"Happy New Year in summer, Steven." 

Spinel leaned closer and kissed his cheek, accepting the box. She had never seen a box wrapped so prettily with a glimmering paper with a bow and ribbons around it. She took her time to open it, and lifted up a beautiful beanie cat baby with adoration filling her eyes. Spinel hugged it close to her chest, thanking Steven from the bottom of her heart shaped gem, and the top of her gem shaped heart. 

"You know, I searched and thought about it, but I just couldn't imagine a gift that would make you anywhere as happy as you make me."

"It's okay Spinel." Steven shrugged. "Honestly being together and sharing those happy moments is all I-"

** _"But,"_ ** Spinel calmly continued, "I met someone who introduced themselves as your very good friend, although they asked me to keep them anonymous if I am to mention them. You probably know whom I'm talking about. Anyways, they helped me pick a perfect present for you!"

Spinel summoned up a pretty paper bag from her gem, and reached it for Steven. 

"They took me to a shop where they sold lots of those stuff and helped pick the perfect one for you!" The fuchsia gem smiled wide. 

"Awww," Steven awwed, "That's so nice of them. I wonder who was it, though I have at least several op-…" 

Steven glanced inside the bag. 

"Well?" Spinel bounced up and down in her spot. "Come on, tell me - do you like it or like-like it? Is the colour right? Come on, take it out, get a good look!"

"ThankyouverymuchSpinelIloveitandIloveyou." Steven blurted out. 

"What?" Clarified Spinel, as she didn't get a word of that. 

"I said thank you merry watch- I mean very much, I mean, ah- hello English, can I speak with you?" Steven tried to laugh it off. He bent the paper bag to cover the gift and set it aside for now. 

"Thank you, it's, uhm… very!" 

"Very… what?"

"It's very." Steven firmly confirmed. He took Spinel's hand into his own, "But… like I said, it's sharing those moments of happiness with you that matters the most to me."

Spinel moved closer and laid her head on Steven's shoulder. 

"Ditto. But I'm glad I got to make you happy today."

"Did I succeed in the same task?"

"More than you can imagine, sunshine."

The two watched the sunset together, surrounded by friends and loved ones. 

~ ~ ~ 

Steven dropped Spinel's gift into the box underneath his bed, and hid it away with the rest of the items, briefly wondering if he could go a chapter (of his life) without the universe making him remember the cruelty of the teenage hormones. 

But the universe did not show that sort of mercy to the Universe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messy pearl belongs to muffins-messyroom on tumblr / Instagram.
> 
> While we're at it, I've been working on a little comic about my Corrupted Steven AU called Kaijuito. Spinel plays a pretty big role in the long run. If you're interested, the story starts here.  
https://tapas.io/series/Kaijuito


End file.
